#dfz3kingdoms

[darkfalcon-z]

Drawing his sword he looked up to heaven and prayed, saying, “If I am to return to Jingzhou and achieve my intent to become a chief ruler, then may I cleave this boulder asunder with my sword. But if I am to meet my doom in this place, then may the sword fail to cut this stone.” Raising his sword he smote the boulder. Sparks flew in all directions, and the boulder lay split in twain. It happened that Sun Quan had seen the blow, and he said, “Why do you thus hate that stone?” Liu Bei replied, “I am near my fifth decade and have so far failed to rid the state of evil. I greatly regret my failure. Now I have been accepted by the Dowager as her son-inlaw, and this is a critical moment in my life. So I implored of Heaven a portent that I might destroy Cao Cao as I would that boulder and restore the dynasty. You saw what happened.” “That is only to deceive me,” thought Sun Quan. Drawing his own sword, he said, “And I also ask of Heaven an omen, that if I am to destroy Cao Cao, I may also cut this rock.” So he spoke. But in his secret heart he prayed, “If I am to recover Jingzhou and extend my borders, may the stone be cut in twain.” He smote the stone and it split in twain.

What is this boulder made of? cottage cheese?

[darkfalcon-z]

And he said, “I am only laughing at the stupidity of Zhou Yu and the ignorance of Zhuge Liang. If they have only set an ambush there, as I would have done, why, there is no escape.” Cao Cao had scarcely finished his explanation when from both sides came a deafening roll of drums and flames sprang up to heaven. Cao Cao nearly fell off his horse---he was so startled.

This is so funny

CaoCao: those losers didn't even set up a trap

Zhao Yun with the trap set by Zuge Liang

edit:

His companions, remembering the sequel of his last laugh, said, “Not long since, Sir, you laughed at Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang. That resulted in the arrival of Zhao Yun and great loss of troops to us. Why do you now laugh?” “I am laughing again at the ignorance of the same two men. If I were in their place, and conducting their campaign, I should have had an ambush here, just to meet us when we were tired out. Then, even if we escaped with our lives, we should suffer very severely. They did not see this, and therefore I am laughing at them.”

You will never guess what happens next!

Yakety Sax starts playing

(this time it's Zhan Fei)

and the same thing happens for the third time and Guan Yu attacks

[darkfalcon-z]

Next Zhuge Liang said to Zhang Fei, “You will take three thousand troops over the river to cut the road to Yiling. You will ambush in the Hulu Valley. Cao Cao, not daring to go to South Yiling, will go to North Yiling. Tomorrow, after the rain, he will halt to refresh his troops. As soon as the smoke is seen to rise from their cooking fires, you will fire the hill side. You will not capture Cao Cao, but you will render excellent service.”

I wonder if Cao Cao won't dare to go South to Yiling because the Burial Mounds are there (this is MDZS joke for those who don't know)

[darkfalcon-z]

Remembering the old times, I filled you with wine and kept you to sleep with me.

why would you say it like that?

[darkfalcon-z]

Liu Bei took the child but threw it aside angrily, saying, “To preserve that suckling I very nearly lost a great commander!” Zhao Yun picked up the child again and, weeping, said, “Were I ground to powder, I could not prove my gratitude.”

I feel like Zhao Yun is crying because Liu Bei is throwing a delicate baby around after all he'd been through to save the little guy and how Lady Mi killed herself. I get it, Liu Bei is trying to show he values Zhao Yun more than his own son, but like, dude, your man went all over the place, risking life, killing people, seeing how the mother kills herself so the child could have better chances at survival, and he's the boss casually dropping the baby, saying he doesn't care for none of that? rude.

[darkfalcon-z]

The Blue Blade would cut clean through iron as though it were mud, and no sword had so keen an edge. Before Zhao Yun thus fell in with Xiahou En, the later was simply plundering, depending upon the authority implied by his office. Least of all thought he of such sudden death as met he at Zhao Yun’s hands. So Zhao Yun got possession of a famous sword.

Zhao Yun got a cool colour sword. This reminds me when Guan Yu got a cool colour horse (that used to be Lu Bu's cool colour horse).

[darkfalcon-z]

Seeing that Lady Mi had resolved the question by dying, there was nothing more to be done. Zhao Yun pushed over the wall to fill the well, and thus making a grave for the lady. Then he loosened his armor, let down the heart-protecting mirror, and placed the child in his breast. This done he slung his spear and remounted.

for the context: Lady Mi committed suicide because Zhao Yun insisted on rescuing her together with her baby (she was very seriously wounded and the enemies were approaching), she wanted to increase Zhao Yun's and the baby's chances of safe escape (while her own chances of surviving were low either way)

I like how the book depicts Zhao Yun handling the baby (though this is not as funny as Lu Bu's daughter burrito)

[darkfalcon-z]

The ambuscade into which Zhou Yu had fallen had been prepared by the orders of Zhuge Liang and was triple. However, Huang Gai and Han Dang contrived to get clear and found refuge in the ships, though with the loss of many troops. When Zhou Yu was in safety and looked about him, he saw Liu Bei and Lady Sun safely resting on a hilltop. How could such a sight fail to put him in a rage? And with the access of rage, his wound, not yet healed, burst open once again. He swooned and fell.

Still not as funny as the guy who died because they were out of lemonade.

(was it Yunan Shu or Yuan Shao - it wasn't really lemonade - he requested honeyed water, which he didn't get)

[darkfalcon-z]

It was then the early winter of the fourteenth year of Rebuilt Tranquillity (AD 209). The bridegroom elect, his escort, and the intermediary left the city of Jingzhou with a fleet of ten fast ships to sail down the river to Nanxu.

I love the title 'bridegroom elect'

since it's the Romance of the Three Kingdoms 'Rebuilt Tranquillity' is actually just wishful thinking or worse, a PR move

[darkfalcon-z]

Zhou Yu accepted the plan and Gan Ning, with three thousand troops, went to attack Yiling.

When news of the approaching army reached him, Cao Ren called to his side Chen Jiao, who said, “If Yiling be lost, then Nanjun is lost too. So help must be sent quickly.”

I see... everyone wants to join the First Siege of the Burial Mounds

yes, I know I've made essentially the same joke before, sue me

When the main army drew near Yiling, Zhou Yu asked who would try to break through the besiegers, and Zhou Tai offered himself. He girded on his sword, mounted his steed, and burst straight into the Cao Hong’s army. He got through to the city wall.

See, there IS a siege happening

[darkfalcon-z]

A fourth party of three thousand troops was led by Ling Tong to the borders of Yiling and attack as soon as the signal from the forest was seen.

A couple of centuries and perhaps an alternative dimension and they'd could be meeting Wei Wuxian

[darkfalcon-z]

He went nearer and peeping in, saw a man reading by the light of a lamp near which hung a sword. And the book was Sun Zi’s classic “The Art of War.” “This is no common person,” thought Jiang Gan, and so he knocked at the door.

what an extraordinary guy he must be, he's reading a popular book! how could other people compare. Truly a sign of exceptional talent

[darkfalcon-z]

Then Zhou Yu took off the commanding sword which he wore as Commander-in-Chief and handed it to Taishi Ci, saying, “You take this and wear it for the day as master of the feast. This day we meet only as friends and speak only of friendship, and if anyone shall begin a discussion of the questions at issue between Cao Cao and the South Land, just slay him.”

This is bit extreme

Who is going to be "banned" by the mod?

[darkfalcon-z]

In eager response to his question one stepped out, saying, “When I was a youth, Zhou Yu and I were fellow students and pledged friends. My three-inch tongue is still good, and I will go over and persuade him to surrender.”

oh do tell how you are going to employ that three-inch tongue of your for persuading the fellow

I mean, I know it's meant to convey Jiang Gan's (a guy, who, I think, hasn't appear previously) flexible speech, but I've been corrupted by the Internet

[darkfalcon-z]

In a little time Cao Ren, Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan, Li Dian, Yu Jin, Zhang Liao, Xu Chu, Zhang He, and other generals of Cao Cao came up, but none dared advance, frightened not only by Zhang Fei’s fierce look, but lest they should become victims of a ruse of Zhuge Liang.

The problem of picking up the book after a long time is I don't remember who the characters are. I obviously know Zhang Fei and Zuge Liang. And Cao Cao, that's a given. But others? Xiahou Dun is the guy who ate his own eye, right? And Cao Ren is maybe, probably Cao Cao's son? other than that I have no idea.

update:

regardless who everyone is they all run the fuck away from Zhang Fei

[darkfalcon-z]

On came his pursuer, spear at poise. Suddenly a brilliant flash of light seemed to shoot out of the pit, and the fallen horse leapt with it into the air and was again on firm earth.

Turns out some sort of magic is protecting the baby because he's from imperial bloodline