#destroyerof

[featherstcnes]

feeling the world beneath her two feet again was something she'd never thought possible. her last sight was meant to be the dark, endless skies of vormir. the nothingness that stretched on for what seemed like eternity. for how much dread the place held, it was beautiful. if it had been some empty planet, devoid of any meaning, it would have been breathtaking.

but now, each flash of that planet in her mind brought about a feeling she couldn't quite place. she hadn't thought coming back was possible. she wasn't sure any of the avengers thought it was possible, honestly. she saw their faces the moment steve had come back with her. the disbelief. the recognition that all of this wasn't a dream. it wasn't supposed to be possible, natasha guessed. how was it? she'd died. she didn't need to hear all of the explanation about how time worked differently on vormir.

she'd felt that void of nothingness.

she didn't need someone guessing about how or why this was possible or any other question in between.

it had been days. days of sitting in what was left of the compound as they rebuilt. days of people fussing over her, ensuring that her vitals were normal. they were. for all anyone could tell, she was the exact same as the moment she had left this planet all of that time ago. but in reality, natasha knew that she wasn't the same. not in the ways that mattered to her. it was a weird balance she'd settled on in her mind -- a way to keep herself stable. thinking about being gone, about the question of really being here, and not it being some vision passing by in her thoughts before she'd died ... it was still hard to place.

just even talking to people was strange. she'd requested space. as much as possible, anyway. she'd had the reunions. the ' i can't believe you're back ! ' the hugs ( that she would love to say she hated but in reality, she couldn't ). all of it.

she'd seen daisy, of course. how could she not have? but even that was ... well, what even was it? how else were you supposed to reunite with someone that you thought was gone forever? she clung to the idea of daisy like she was some kind of lifeline. but neither of them seemed to want to dwell on the obvious elephant in the room. natasha wasn't blind. she knew that there was more that they both wanted to say. more that was building under the surface, begging to be spoken.

❛  why did you leave me?  ❜ [ @destroyerof ]

the question had left daisy's lips a while later, leaving natasha in stunned silence. it wasn't a question she had been prepared for. why did you do it? that she would have been prepared for. she could give some speech she'd been throwing around in her mind for days. but daisy's question held a different weight. she felt it in the air. she felt it in the way that the steady rhythm of her heart faltered. the way that her body seemed to tense as if she'd done something wrong and couldn't figure out a way to solve it. natasha always had an angle on something. if it looked like she was failing a mission, most of the time, she'd had a clear handle on it. pretending to fail, to lose, was a way to gain the upper hand.

but there wasn't a way to be in control here. not in this.

" i didn't - " already starting with a lie. she didn't what? she didn't leave her? she had. in daisy's eyes, she had. even in her own eyes, she had. she didn't mean to leave daisy, not in the way that daisy was phrasing her question. in that moment on vormir, standing across from clint, of course she'd thought about daisy. she'd thought about their last conversation. about leaving all of that behind without even being able to say goodbye. she'd deserved more than whatever natasha had given her. she'd deserved so much more than that.

but at the end of the day, natasha knew it had to be her making that sacrifice.

" i didn't want to leave you. " she said to daisy, barely even able to look at her. natasha had never been good at sharing feelings. that had been more than obvious. even in all of those nights at the compound with her, sharing stories, watching movies, laughing .... there had been parts of her that she'd never fully shared. she compartmentalized all of it. while it was a skill she'd learned when she was younger, it was something that slowly was turning into a weakness in some ways. " do you think i left the compound and had it in my mind that i was going to let you go? that i wanted to leave all of this behind? " her hands gestured between the two of them, an exasperated look on her face as she turned to face daisy more fully. " i finally had something good -- you. it wasn't something i wanted to throw away. and i didn't. " she wasn't giving this up. but if she'd ruined things permanently? well, saving the universe would have to be worth it enough to make up for it.

but trading someone she loved for people that would forget about her sacrifice aside from what they read in textbooks wasn't a fair trade.

" i thought about you there. of course i did. i had to make peace with what i did in those moments. i couldn't let clint - " she stopped there. she didn't want to imagine a world that left her alone without him. but that was exactly what she'd left for both clint and daisy, hadn't it? just another twisted version of the same thought. "i'm sorry, daisy. i don't even want to imagine what you thought, what you felt. i can't even imagine what that was like. " she'd tried to imagine what it would have been like if she never left, if she'd been too late to stop clint. " but i can't change my decision. i can't say i wouldn't do it again, either. and maybe i should apologize for that, but i can't. "

these last few sleepless nights had help her come to terms with what she'd done, at least to some extent. they'd helped her place her emotions, however confusing they were. they helped her come to terms that somehow, she was here. that they were both here, and they had a second chance at whatever this was.

" and if you want to hate me for what i did, then please, hate me. maybe it would be easier for me to swallow than you just being relieved that i'm back. "

[destroyerof]

welcome to DESTROYEROF, a highly private rp blog for daisy johnson from aos/mcu. as of right now, this blog is not accepting new partners.

[spookyscarykittycat]

Thinking of changing my url to feminist-lgbtqpluslover-notracist-antiterf-antiislamophobes-pedohater-and-destroyerof-overall-bigots so that the creeps and douches stay away from me.

[featherstcnes]

too many thoughts had been running through her head for days. she had felt ... broken since that day she'd almost been caught. her mind was moving in too many different directions. she was losing sight of what the plan was. what the mission was. you don’t remember me? .... it's me, it's daisy. natasha shook her head, running a hand through her hair. she needed to get this woman out of her head. she wouldn't hear the lies about braiding hair, about sleepovers, about any of it. but she'd been having dreams -- dreams of dark hair, of laughter, of a time that felt more like fiction than reality. was some part of her remembering? or was some part of her just trying to fool herself into believing the woman that had let her go?

you can remember me. i know you can. you promised you would.

natasha groaned. she hated this. this had not been an issue with anyone else that had been on her tail. this had not been an issue with anyone she had been after. she didn't know what it was about this ... daisy that had gotten her mind so twisted. and better yet, she'd known that the girl was on her tail. she'd been nursing the gunshot wound in her arm that she'd received when she'd fled the scene and daisy, and she'd been hiding out in a random house that had been empty for weeks. she'd been in this area for a while before daisy and the others had found her and no one had entered the doors once -- she assumed it was a summer home and was currently unoccupied. she'd take it for now. even though the woman was on her tail, she wasn't going to run.

no. she was going to get answers.

the moment she'd heard footsteps, quiet ones - she had to give daisy credit for that, natasha just allowed herself to relax against the counter she was leaning on. the redhead's gaze was focused on the entryway to the kitchen after taking a sip from her drink, waiting. a pistol was on the counter next to her, currently untouched. if the woman was truly not putting on an act the last time they'd spoken and natasha really somehow knew her... she doubted she'd need the weapon. but, well, it didn't help to have some insurance.

" i've known you were coming for days, daisy. " the name tasted foreign yet familiar on her tongue. " you can stop pretending that you have the upper hand and just walk in here. i'm not going to kill you. " the yet was unspoken. / @destroyerof

[featherstcnes]

continued from [x] @destroyerof

natasha had lived plenty of lives. the latest, however? she would have preferred it to have never existed. she always knew shield did anything and everything to get what they wanted. she just had never quite imagined that the day that was supposed to be the happiest of her life turned into the day that would prove to haunt every thought and every action for years to come. she could remember the day so vividly. the way she felt the bullet hit her chest, the way the darkness took over all of her senses. the taste of blood in her mouth while everything had went dark as she stared up at daisy. she'd woken up on a ship, not even sure how many days later, an iv in her arm and people running around around her. everything had been ruined, and nothing had been the same ever since.

she'd lost trust in the people she was meant to sacrifice everything for. she hadn't cooperated for weeks as she'd healed. but eventually, she had to say something. natasha had no problem not cooperating for the rest of her life -- if they wanted to keep her locked away, then they could. but she found herself hoping that if she found a way out, she could get back to daisy.

it hadn't happened.

she knew they were tracking her even before she'd strayed away from the mission and had someone intercepting her just a few hours later. natasha knew how this worked. she'd been a pawn for years, doing the bidding of people that owned her. and so she did what she knew best -- she threw herself into the mission. deep undercover. it wasn't just a simple mission that would be over in a few weeks. this was months, years, of pretending she was someone else. bringing down an organization from the inside out. that was something she knew how to do. she knew how to get close to important people, to make them trust her. she'd done it her entire life. hell, she'd even done it her first few years in shield out of instinct.

marina orlova. another alias to add to the list.

she'd tried to not let the emotion show on her face when the person from shield had shown her the file about her new alias. marina. a friend, a best friend, that had turned into nothing more than an assignment. she'd taken the name as her alias without a complaint. she'd use that name like a weapon. a silent promise that she'd help take down everyone and everything in her way to avenge her old friend.

natasha had pulled the trigger, yes. but the red room had killed her.

completing her mission was easy. it had taken years. years that she would never get back or replace. she did what shield wanted her to do. she'd brought ruin to organizations, just as she had in her past. she'd taken out powerful men that no doubt would cause uproars. what was another few enemies to add to the list of people that wanted her dead?

after it was over, she'd been given a new assignment: find this mysterious person that was wreaking havoc. creating disasters. take them out.

an easy target, supposedly. except when every single piece of intel led her back to daisy johnson, she'd wanted to back out. but she couldn't. she'd find her. but she wouldn't kill her. couldn't.

she wasn't sure how she'd ever be able to, even if shield tried to force her hand.

truthfully, natasha wasn't sure what would happen. she'd expected hostility. she never expected daisy to be happy she was standing in front of her. her intel had told her that there was multiple people with her -- a team. natasha prepared herself for that. she'd gotten herself out of situations with more people than this fighting against her, she could handle this. or at least that was what she told herself.

as a man spoke harshly towards her, natasha didn't even bother raising a weapon. it wasn't worth it. not yet, anyway. she could ensure that half the people in this room were wounded or dead before someone could even blink, if she wanted to.

" you want me to explain everything in ten seconds? " a part of her wanted to laugh. looking at daisy, at the expression on her face, it was like she was looking at someone completely different. in some ways, she recognized the woman in front of her. but that softness in her gaze was gone. any love that daisy once had was gone. natasha knew that she shouldn't look for any of that in her expression before she'd walked in on everyone, and yet, she still had.

" if you think i planned any of this, then you're blinded by whatever lies are in your head. " natasha didn't know enough about what happened after that day she'd 'died'. any time she'd asked about daisy to whoever had organized her mission, people avoided her questions. they'd said they helped with things after her death, and that was all the information she'd been given. natasha had a feeling that was a lie. " if i told you what happened, would you even really believe me? would you call me a liar? " natasha wouldn't blame her -- she didn't trust anyone these days, either. she'd given up on trusting anyone after she'd found out that the same organization that saved her was trapping her into a mission she couldn't get out of.

natasha shook her head. maybe she'd just walked in here to greet death as an old friend. maybe she was destined to have everyone she'd once loved and trusted turn on her.

" if you're so angry, have your guard dog do the dirty work. " natasha motioned her head towards the man that had held a blade towards her. " kill me. " she walked closer towards the man, her hands still not reaching towards any weapons on her body. " do it, " she challenged, louder, eyes focused on the man. she wasn't threatening her life for no reason -- it was partially a way to really see the hierarchy here. to see exactly who listened to who. to see how far she could push someone before daisy couldn't stop them or just wouldn't want to. " or do you want the honors yourself? " natasha turned her gaze back towards daisy. it was clear daisy was agitated already -- she could feel the effects of that.

explaining all of this would be worthless. natasha knew that. what worth was there in explaining how all of this hadn't been her idea? sure, she could have figured out a way to get to daisy almost immediately. but she hadn't. it was something she questioned herself about as she stayed undercover. but she had to finish the mission. and she had. it just so happened that her next one brought her back to daisy, anyway. and to get anywhere, to find anything, she had to get through to daisy somehow. but as natasha stalled with her words, her piercing gaze, she still was coming up empty. this wasn't the daisy she knew. it was the furthest thing from that.

" look me in the eyes and tell me honestly that you think i made the choice to drop off the face of the earth. that you think i would have ever made the choice to do this. "

[featherstcnes]

free. it was a funny concept to natasha. was anyone truly free? even daisy, working for an organization like shield. she was doing their bidding in some shape or form, was she not? she was held to a standard, a guidebook. a ruleset. natasha was as well -- she had a leash, albeit not a tight one. she was free to go where she needed to, be gone as long as she needed to, as long as she came back. as long as she got the job done. the redhead could say all she wanted that she needed to be free, but what was she being freed from? a life that had given her possibilities? a purpose? there was a job that needed to be done, and she was doing it. she had to.

she knew that daisy wasn't forcing anything on her, that much was clear. nothing was demanded of her. the woman's words sounded like a plea, begging for understanding. and natasha didn't know what to make of that. she was trying to piece everything together, but her head was aching as she tried to do so. maybe there were flashes of dark hair, laughter, late nights, but had those not been experienced with someone else? was anything in her mind real? or was it something she'd done to protect herself?

worse, had she done it to protect the woman standing in front of her?

you'd have to kill me first. if the situation was any different, maybe she'd laugh at daisy's words. it prompted the thought of what this situation could be like if things were different. if she allowed herself to think about whatever daisy kept describing. how they were a family. how they laughed. how they promised so much. would she be wrapping the other woman in an embrace? would their be fingers grasping onto clothing as they pulled each other into their arms, begging to be closer? natasha's gaze moved back to daisy. this woman would be the one thing that dragged her mind into endless torment. a hurricane of what if's. of distant pasts, long gone.

" i've only ever been good at one thing. " one thing that most definitely did not need to be said. her reputation spoke for itself. " if you take that away, i don't know what i would do. who i'd become. " a breath. " i don't need to be free. " i just need to understand. that part was unspoken. natasha wasn't even sure where that echo in her head came from. was a part of her really trying to level with her? to break open whatever was holding these supposed memories under lock and key? " i'm sorry you spent your entire life searching for this. for me. " maybe it sounded harsh, but in her mind, it was not meant that way. whatever the other woman wanted, it was not here. not entirely.

" and you don't need to protect me. i've spent my life doing that myself. i've made it this far. " by skill or sheer dumb luck sometimes, she wasn't sure. " obviously, i can't stop you from doing what you want. just like you can't stop me. " natasha looked to the side, gaze focused on something outside of the window for a moment. a part of her felt like she owed something more to daisy. a part of her that she didn't want to acknowledge felt something different. a gnawing feeling deep inside that there was something more here. something she was missing.

something that had faded long ago that was crawling to the surface.

" if we see each other again, i will not forget this. " it was the truth. this conversation, both of their meetings, would be something that she'd be playing on repeat in her mind. there was something she was missing, something she needed to place. " i have a way of making enemies with powerful people. i have a feeling this will not be the last time we see each other. " she paused for a few moments, gathering her thoughts. " i have a job to finish here. if shield finds me, they will regret it. " if daisy was involved, perhaps natasha would spare her -- she knew the promise of keeping shield in the dark was genuine. but that was easier said than done. " i'll keep to the shadows, like i always do. they won't find me. "

daisy sat absolutely still as she listened to the other woman speak, visibly wincing when she heard her name and how slow natasha said it, as though it sounded foreign in her mouth. for a moment, she saw a slip, a kink in her armour, a sign that something she said sort of got through to her. it was a cruel joke that the one person who promised never to forget her would end up being the one person who did. and although she hadn't dared to hope that her little speech would get through to natasha somehow, she still felt a little crack in her heart when it was clear that it didn't. at the very least, natasha deserved an explanation, so that was what she got. when it came to matters of the heart, daisy didn't give up, even when she should.

"i don't expect you to remember," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper, but they could hear each other just fine in the quiet of the kitchen. "i'm not expecting a past version of you either. that's not why i'm here."

and now brought of the moment of introspection; when she recognized why she was here, why she'd chased natasha down even after the first initial rejection. in a way, it was a selfish reason. but the reality of it was that it was just... simple. she was fulfilling a promise. she was extending an olive branch, even if natasha didn't want it, to the person who had been her family so long ago. she was welcoming her back, if she wanted it, and seeking redemption for having failed her so long ago. she didn't need to be free of anything, but did she want to be? was there any part of her that longed to be her own person, outside of running by the rules of those who owned her? even if natasha never remembered her, she wanted to make sure that she knew she was still there for her in some capacity. that the past mattered, even if it was forgotten.

"i didn't come here for that," she started, standing up from her chair, not wanting to feel like she was going to fall down through the floor, wanting to ground herself a bit. "i'm not trying to push you, i'm sorry if it felt that way. i just... you may not remember, but i do. i just needed to see you again. i needed to tell you that i'm around, and i'll always be around, if you need someone. i... i don't know what my end goal was. i don't know what i expected. i just needed to see you."

she knew she was rambling, but how else would she be able to explain her mindset to natasha? she had already told her the truth, but she didn't want to scare her off entirely. "we said a lot of things to each other that night," she whispered, wondering if she could maybe job her memory a bit more. "i promised you that you'd be free someday, and that i'd live to make that happen. you called me family. we knew the chances were slim, but i've never forgotten. i've spent my life remembering. i've spent my life searching. you don't have to know me. you don't even have to like me. but i won't let go of that promise. you'd have to kill me first." poor choice of words, but regardless, they were out in the open now.

natasha may not remember her, but she was alive. that was more than could be said about most of the people that daisy had come to care about in her lifetime. she was always the person who wanted to protect those she loved and she was always the person who failed, over and over again. her heart bled and her sanity cracked with every passing day. a little hope went a long way with her. she knew she would likely only see natasha in passing glances from now on, but if she could preserve that, she would. it was more than she usually got. it was more than she ever thought she'd get again with her.

but then came the other issue. if she found her, surely shield could do the same. if she couldn't get through to natasha, couldn't jog her memories, she could, at the very least, shift her promise. make sure that she was protected in a different way. make sure that no one on shield found her and made her pay for her crimes. maybe that made her complicit in them. maybe she didn't give a fuck. "i'll step back and keep my distance. shield won't find you, i'll make sure of it."

[featherstcnes]

to think that her life had been so ... normal before all of this. normal wasn't really the right word, but had anything in her life ever been normal? the fight, the constant running, that was all she'd known. she'd taken on more aliases and lived more lives more than she'd ever even lived her own. natalia romanova, a name that existed solely on paper. a life that was making less and less sense as time went on. it made even less sense now that daisy was working her way into her life somehow. was there truly that much redacted from her file that she'd lost sight of this much?

watching daisy approach her, natasha allowed her eyes to take in every inch of her. it was an attempt to jog her memory, to see anything that would remind her of whatever the woman wanted her to see. natsaha wasn't even sure she wanted to see it. did she want to see something that she must have clearly blocked out for a reason? maybe daisy was a weakness, something that she avoided for so long to keep herself safe. taking in a breath, she moved to meet the woman's gaze, the nickname making her hands grip slightly onto the counter. nat. she wasn't sure she'd ever heard anyone call her that.

natasha didn't even bother wasting time analyzing her expression or her surroundings behind the woman to see if she was alone. deep down, she knew that daisy came alone. the way that she spoke, the way that she stood in front of her ... she was here for personal reasons. not to drag her back to whoever was hunting her before. there were plenty of questions that natasha had for her, the first being who was after her. she'd heard some code names and some chatter over comms while she'd been in that abandoned building, but not enough to get enough information. and she'd run before she was able to find any further information. it was a mistake that she wouldn't make again. she would have been able to take on the people that had been after her, daisy included. but she'd left. natasha had been thinking over her actions for days, and she still couldn't come up with enough of an explanation.

" getting intel about my location, stalking me, it all sounds the same out in the open. " natasha said easily, attempting to calm herself. why did she feel so tense? why did her heart feel like it was clawing its way up her throat? she didn't know this woman. she shouldn't have to force herself to keep her composure. " you can try all you want. " natasha pushed herself off of the counter slightly, standing up a bit straighter. " you clearly came here hoping to accomplish something. so talk. " it was clear that daisy was fighting something in her mind. natasha could see her eyes. the pain that was held there. the hope that simmered.

" i don't remember you. maybe i never will. but you came here knowing that, " natasha started. " and yet ... you are still disappointed. " natasha moved one hand to rest at her hip, a finger resting slightly in the belt loop of her black jeans. " first, you are going to tell me who's after me. why they want me. " natasha needed at least a start. how else was she going to eliminate the threat without at least a hint of a lead? she could leave, yes. but her other work here wasn't done. and she couldn't be hiding in the shadows with people watching her every move. and with daisy on her tail too? she knew that this was a recipe for disaster.

" and second, you are going to explain who you are. and ... who you think i am. " natasha paused for a moment, trying to find the right words. " tell me something about me that's not just simple things like braiding hair. sleepovers. tell me something real. " her hair was braided right now. was this something that daisy had done in the past? did daisy teach her how? did she -- ? natasha paused. she couldn't let herself do this. not now. " i need to hear something that no one else would know. " maybe natasha herself wouldn't even know. " you want me to remember. "

her eyes ached like there was a weight to them. she'd studied natasha more than she'd studied anything else in her life; she was burned permanently in her heart and in her mind, haunting every waking moment and every nightmare. despite running on no sleep, she felt more alert than ever as she approached the safe house, gun holstered on her belt, necklace catching on her jacket. a sickness rolled in her stomach as she approached, fully aware of what was on the other side. there was no telling how natasha would react to seeing her again; would she hear her out? would she push her away? was daisy acting selfishly, knowing that natasha wouldn't likely recover the memories of her, was all this just a way for daisy to see her again?

maybe it was. maybe there was a part of her that felt doomed, like this was a mission she just knew she was going to fail. maybe she had her doubts every time she got just a little bit closer to her, every time natasha didn't approach her, suddenly remembering what they'd shared long ago. she wouldn't admit it to herself, but she suspected that this would either work or she would meet an untimely end.

but wasn't it worth it, in the end? even if this didn't end in her favour, wouldn't it be worth it to see her again? to remember, even if it was just for a moment, what it was like to have someone who cared about her in the world? who didn't use her, didn't sacrifice her? wasn't it the ultimate dedication, the truest from of love, to continue to come back to someone even if they didn't know who you were? who would she be if she abandoned the promise they'd made to each other so long ago?

--- fool. she was a god damn fool.

foolish as she was, she unlocked the door with a shake of its inner mechanism and made her way inside. immediately, she felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up, and as she approached the kitchen and heard a voice, she realized why. fool, indeed.

despite herself, she relaxed at the sight of her. the air around her ears rushed as her world zeroed in on the woman in front of her. even though she'd been watching her, seeing her in person was completely different; just like last time, daisy found herself stunned with how much she looked like her younger self. but taller, older, more beautiful, more sure of herself. more traumatized. eyes that had seen too much and not enough at the same time. daisy felt her stomach roll again and she balled her hands up into fists, if only to resist the urge to reach out to her.

"nat," she said softly, the nickname leaving her lips before she could even try to stop herself. she tried to relax her shoulders, show that she wasn't a threat (she noticed the gun, of course she did), but found them to still be tense despite herself. her body thrummed with energy and her eyes stung harder than before. barely two feet into the safe house and she was already going to cry. this was going well.

she didn't bother to ask how natasha knew that she was coming. "i'm sorry. i'm not stalking you." well, she was. "i just..." she gestured at nothing, her hand falling limp at her side. she opened her mouth to say something again, to explain herself, but nothing came out. she took the chance now to meet natasha's eyes, and saw what she'd suspected: no recognition. not like she'd hoped. now the tears were here. "i'm sorry," she whispered softly. "i wanted to try again. just in case."

[featherstcnes]

there was nothing that could have prepared her for this conversation. she wasn't even quite sure what she felt in response to daisy's words. it wasn't indifference. it wasn't nothing. it wasn't recognition. she didn't know what she felt. and for someone that was so consistently in tune with everything that she felt ( or at least in tune enough to repress it ) , she didn't know how to feel with any of this. was she supposed to feel sad? longing? she didn't understand. it was something she didn't know how to place, and that thought alone confused her. maybe there was some part of her that knew the woman across from her. maybe there was a part of her that cared. and that terrified her.

she wasn't made to care for anyone.

natasha was a weapon. a tool that could manage even the toughest of missions when all else failed. it was how she'd gained her reputation. it was how people learned to quiver in fear at the sight of her if they knew who she was. people should be terrified. and yet this woman sat in the kitchen of this house and didn't even bother looking at her as if natasha wouldn't even harm a hair on her head. it was bold, she had to admit. " no one's hunting me? so this bullet wound on my arm from the last time i saw you was just for fun? " there was a hint of sarcasm there, natasha crossing her arms over her chest slightly as she looked at daisy. " shield. i've heard of them. another group to add to the list to avoid. " if the woman was leading her into a trap, natasha didn't believe it. she was sharing all of this openly. honestly. she didn't believe that daisy was lying, she couldn't hear it in her voice. it was honesty.

listening to her speak, natasha let her mind fill with the images that she was describing. family. it was so foreign to her. her parents were -- summertime with her parents. sunshine. laughter. somehow, all of those images felt fragmented now. were they real? was any of this real? what was real and what was imagined? natasha looked to daisy and saw the woman close her eyes as she continued to speak, and for a moment, natasha tried to imagine what she was speaking of. why she allowed herself to, she didn't know. this woman was someone she didn't know. was it a test? was this some sick test of her loyalty to the kgb? a test to see if she would run at the first question of her past?

her scar. all train of thought stopped at the mention of her scar, a hand instinctively going to touch the place on her abdomen where that very scar rested. it was always covered. she'd never allowed it to be seen, that much natasha was sure of. the only people that had seen it were a select few at the red room, and natasha was positive that daisy was not some secret spy to challenge her. not at all. a flash of pain moved through her in the spot that she touched and she took in a sharp breath. she knew she was letting too much show. this was something she didn't know how to process, not really. her training hadn't prepared her for this. natasha didn't speak for a long time. several long moments passed between them where natasha simply didn't say a single word. the silence felt like a crushing weight upon her chest, pushing her into the ground. maybe she'd never be able to crawl her way back up.

" it hurts sometimes, you know. " a beat. " the scar. " natasha looked up to look at daisy then, taking in a breath. " i never remembered how i got it. i made up a story in my mind of getting it during training. " it was an honest answer, and natasha wasn't sure that daisy needed an honest one, but she'd given it anyway. " i don't need to be free of anything, daisy. this is who i am. what i am. " she paused for a few moments, running a hand over her forehead. " i don't even know what you're apologizing for, i - " natasha took in a deep breath. she didn't even know how to move forward with this. seeing this woman crying, so clearly lost in the memories of some past that she believed were real... and maybe they were real. maybe they were. but to natasha, it was some distant world that she'd never existed in.

but she had existed in it. deep down, maybe she knew that. somehow.

falling into an open window, a grimace on her face. a pained noise escaping her as she'd failed to catch her fall into the room. a frigid breeze on her back. a chill in her bones she couldn't escape. broken promises in the night. " i don't know who you are, " natasha breathed out, but it almost sounded as if she was convincing herself. maybe she was. " daisy. " the word tasted weird on her tongue. " i don't know what you want me to say. do you want me to lie? to say i remember you? " she asked, looking over at her. " you make me feel like my head is ... " she paused. why was she sharing so much? why was she trying to level with her? maybe it was some part of her just trying to feel anything other than the nothingness she'd forced upon herself for so long.

" this is all i know, daisy. this life. this ... " she trailed off. " i can't remember what you want me to. if this is real, i can't ... " she hated this. she hated that there was some part of her that wanted to remember. if she didn't remember, maybe it was for a good reason. maybe it was to save herself from whatever she was trying to protect herself from. but she couldn't place her childhood. she couldn't place any past friendship. she only knew this. the hunt. but she'd had ... a family? with her? " daisy, i'm sorry. " what was she even apologizing for? she didn't even know her, not really. not entirely. " i don't know what you want me to say. whoever you think i am, i'm not. not anymore. so if you're hoping for some past version of me to push her way through the cracks, it won't happen. it can't. " i don't think there's a past version of me left.

"i don't remember you, maybe i never will." words she fully expected to hear but still felt like a shard of glass in her heart. daisy tried not to let it show on her face, but she always wore her heart on her sleeve when it mattered, unfortunately; the tears in her eyes made her vision blurry, her hands balling into tighter fists. natasha continued to speak and she listened silently, letting the other woman express what she had likely been thinking for weeks. this was not at all what she wanted, but it was what she deserved. again she was faced with a dilemma: did it matter if natasha remembered her? was she doing this for selfish reasons? was the promise she'd given natasha, so many years ago, something she was able to uphold, or was this a lost cause? and if it was a lost cause, did it even matter?

before her mind could wander too much, natasha continued speaking, her voice breaking through her own thoughts, so familiar and foreign at the same time. she let her eyes wander, taking her in, examining the braid, recalling a time when she'd done that braid herself. she should've expected this sort of reaction. if she was here, and caught red handed, she might as well give up her position entirely. natasha clearly had the upper hand, and she was a fool if she thought otherwise. (somewhere out there, she suspected coulson was FURIOUS with her for running off again, but no matter.)

she took a cautious step in, moving closer when natasha didn't stop her, until she was leaning against the chair near the table, slowly sinking down onto it. her legs felt like jelly, all of her senses on overdrive. she lifted a hand to wipe at her eyes as she tried to take a deep breath; her chest felt heavy with the weight of everything. she remembered how it felt to feel her own mother betray her, try to kill her, turn on her like she didn't matter. she remembered how lonely she felt after that, sitting on her bed, newfound powers shaking her veins, no one to share the weight with. she remembered endless nightmares. the body of a girl her age, red hair spread out behind her, flashing by in cruel, taunting images, night after night. for years. the way she'd taunted herself, tortured herself with the truth that she'd failed her, failed the only real family she'd ever had. until, of course, she found herself here instead, facing the exact person she'd been so afraid that she'd already lost. and well, she sort of has, hasn't she?

"right, well..." she paused, finally finding a way to breath, sigh leaving her lips. "where to start." she looked up, letting herself meet natasha's eyes, despite the pain that burst behind her eyelids when she did so. "first of all, no one's hunting you. i'm the only one looking for you." she paused, considering. "i work for shield, technically, but they don't know anything. i've been careful, working completely off the grid, without their resources. my superior, coulson, knows i've been... wandering off, but he doesn't know the truth. no one does. that much, i can swear to you. they're not hunting you for anything."

she paused once more, then moved slowly, unlocking her phone. she placed it on the floor and slid it over to natasha. it wasn't a shield phone, it was her own. "that's everything i know about you, everything i've used to track you. you can see for yourself. no ulterior motives. i just... wanted to see you again."

and make you remember me. please, god, why don't you remember me?

"my name's daisy. daisy johnson," she continued, her voice a bit quieter, as she held her hands together. "i joined shield by accident, many years ago, but decided to stay to try to find you. we were childhood best friends. we did everything together, when we could. i had a terrible foster home, but you always made it better." as she spoke, explaining their childhood, a small, wistful smile crossed her face. "it was good. for a long time, it was good. you were my family. until you kept disappearing, until you came back bruised and bloody. until one day, right before senior prom, you told me you thought you were going to have to go away forever. we made a plan to run away, and i... i never saw you again." she didn't elaborate. didn't explain the kiss, didn't explain the details of that night. it was too painful, and unfair to natasha to push all of that on her.

she had been looking off into space as she spoke, and now her eyes drifted down to her hands. she felt the tears stream down her cheeks but she ignored them; she'd cried enough over this to know that trying to stop it would be pointless. "you knew everything about me," she whispered, closing her eyes. (in the safe house of a known assassin, and she willingly was closing her eyes.) "that scar on your abdomen, you stitched it up yourself that night. broke the stitch when you climbed in my window. i patched you up and we laid in my bed. i played that night over and over again in my head for years. i don't expect you to remember, but i... i promised you that someday, you'd be free of this. we both would be. and i failed." she opened her eyes, tears falling freely. for a brief second, she saw the nat she once knew, smiling at her softly from the bed that night, promises whispered in the dark. but then she blinked and the new natasha was there, and she finished with a mere; "i'm sorry."