#destiel out here easing mental illness

[nacvamp]

Unfortunately, Misha Collins is incredibly intelligent, funny, deep, charming, humble, egregious, fearless, and kind, and he restores my faith in humankind. Unfortunately, participating in spn fandom and letting myself be absolutely cringe-silly over pairings and fanworks has diminished my long-fought mental illness, given me access to joy and ease again, and I have hope for the future. Unfortunately, I am happy!!

[sharkfish]

2019 MONTHLY WRITING TRACKER

WORDCOUNT: 109,889 FICS POSTED: 21 (*plus tons of ficlets) 

i’m honestly super pleased with what i wrote this year. i wrote a ton of ace fics during pride, i explored some fun tropes, i finished some years-old wips, and i had a great time. thank you for coming along on this journey with me! i appreciate every single person who read one of my stories this year. 

i wish i could thank all the friends who supported me and my writing this year, but there are honestly too many and i would hate to leave anyone out due to faulty memory. i think y’all know who you are. i adore you. 

TOP 5 FICS PUBLISHED IN 2019

(and other stuff under the cut)

worth waiting - 1.5k 

“I’m going into heat,” Dean says in a rush. “And I wanted to ask — but Jesus, you’d hate who I am when…” He looks away, cheeks flushing, and lets out a hollow laugh. “I’m not even sure you like regular me.”

i’m always thinking about what non-sexual needs alphas & omegas might have during their mating cycles. a lot of mate-y stuff - nests, scent marking, nurturing, just touching. this one and my #2 fic are both about that. :) 

honeysuckle - 4k

“Your omega’s here, ok? Everything’s ok.”

Cas closes his eyes and leans a little into Dean’s solid warmth. His omega is here. He can smell them all over each other already.

“You made me such a nice nest, too.” Dean’s voice is low, honeyed and soft. He smells sweeter, it hangs thick and heavy in the air. “Show me.”

cas is an ace alpha who asks demi omega dean to join him for his rut for all those non-sexual needs. i like this one a lot! 

all the other things - 8.5k

Cas isn’t prepared for this. There was training when he started with Specialty Services Company, but not the kind of training that would make him ready for easing Dean out from under the hands that have hurt him. There’s something hidden but singing under there, if Cas is good enough.

i don’t see a lot of bdsm aus (where everyone is born as either a dom or a sub, and they generally don’t do well if they go long periods of time without dominating or submitting in some way) in this fandom, but i was excited to write one myself! i also adore sex worker aus so this scratched more than one itch. :) also, it’s the softest. 

the only permanent thing - 8.5k

When Dean looks down, he’s shocked he hadn’t noticed it before. The bunting that has lived under the soft dip of his elbow his entire life, frozen in flight, is perched on a branch covered in leaves.

The bird isn’t moving now, but sometime last night he did, and sometime last night he was given a place to rest.

apparently i worked on a lot of fun tropes this year! this is a soulmate mark one, where the marks are like tattoos that come alive when your soulmate is near. featuring mental illness, neurological illness, and demi cas.

ace high - 4k

Cas takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’ve never done anything like that before. I swear I’m not…”

“Trying to disrespect my chastity?”

i’ve been wanting to write more beta characters and here we are! they’re coworkers and there’s only one bed. you can probably guess how that goes. i apologize for the misleading title - there are neither aces or drugs in this one. 

BOTTOM 3 FICS PUBLISHED IN 2019

in the brutal rain - 1.5k (dcj)

Cas has always been “not quite right,” as his and Jimmy’s mother put it, so it was a shock to find out that Dean was interested in him in the first place. Jimmy’s usually the one that people like, while Cas stands off to the side, looking at flowers.

Was that hesitation before inviting Cas along? Was that a grimace when Cas embarrassed them in front of their friends? Are there whispers when he leaves the room?

cas is an anxious wreck (and grey-ace), jimmy’s nb, they’re all grossly in love. this fic is basically about cas haven’t an anxiety attack and his partners being there to support him. :) 

tough love - 2k (dcs)

Cas goes willingly into the chair in the corner, inhaling deep to scent Dean’s arousal spiking as Stiles stalks to him. “Don’t touch my mate,” Cas snarls, and he sees the delight twitching at the corner of Dean’s mouth to hear it, before Stiles grabs him roughly by the hair and kicks his legs out from under him.

when dean’s in heat, they call up their friend stiles and play a little game. i didn’t really expect anyone to read this one since it’s connoncon and Impure Destiel. but i had fun writing it! 

most perfect possession - 4k

“Hey,” Dean says, grinning. “I kinda like you.”

“And you’re willing to announce it to all of our friends and loved ones.”

“Let’s do this.”

beginning of the riptides sequel! i feel like i didn’t “market” this right so probably none of the riptides readers saw it (and it’s still marked as a wip). tell your friends! 

[goodfemalecharacters]

14x06 Coda: Definition Love

destiel, Jack asking more about love, 2k

When Jack opens his eyes, the first words out of his mouth are the very last words that Dean would have expected.

“What is love, then?”

Dean lets out a shaky breath.  Despite himself, he’s grown to care about Jack.  He doesn’t know what he would have done if he’d had to tell Sam—had to tell Cas—that he was gone.

The last hour or so has passed in a blur.  After Jack’s collapse, Dean hauled him into his room and tucked him beneath the covers.  He’s been pacing back and forth, dialing and redialing ever since.

He lowers the cellphone at the sound of Jack’s voice and sits gingerly at the end of the kid’s bed.  The tinny recording of Cas’s voicemail keeps playing even as he muffles it into the blankets.  

There’s a sour scent just beginning to tinge the air.  How he hadn’t noticed before is beyond him.  Dean thinks of the trials—of bloody tissues in the trash can—and mentally kicks himself.

“You scared the hell out of me, kid.”

Jack’s eyes lower. “I’m sorry.”

There’s a fine sheen of sweat on his forehead, and the high points of his cheeks glow red.  He bunches the blankets in his fist and doesn’t meet Dean’s eyes.

“Don’t be sorry.”

Suddenly, all he can think about is Sam, swallowed in the sheets of a too-big motel bed, lower lip quivering as he fought off another round of shaking shoulders,

“I got some medicine in you while you were out, but I don’t know how much it will help.”

They’d run out of medicine that week, Dean remembers.  He shakes off the memory of his six-year-old brother.  Sam’s fever had come down with some ibuprofen in him.  He knows better than to hope it’ll be the same for a Nephilim.

Jack lets out a wracking cough.  Dean springs from his seat and hands him a tissue so he doesn’t smear blood in his blankets.

“For the record,” Dean says, taking the now-bloody tissue and dumping it in the trash can next to Jack’s bed, “this is not what a cold looks like.”

Jack says nothing.

Dean sighs.  He might not be able to snap his fingers and make the kid stop coughing up blood, but he can at least answer the question.

“Love is needing someone,” he says quietly. “Not because of what they can do for you, but because of what they are for you.”

Jack nods—keeps nodding, because his head is heavy and he can’t quite stop.

“Sit up a minute,” Dean tells him.

He pulls Jack forward a little, fluffs his pillow.  Jack sinks back into it the moment Dean lets go, letting out a sigh.  Dean heads toward the door, convinced that Jack isn’t going to die, at least not right this moment.

“Dean?” Jack says after a moment, voice small, “I love you.”

Dean pauses, hand on the light switch. “Get some sleep.  Cas will be home soon.”

Jack manages to lever himself up on to his elbows when he hears the door open.  He tries not to frown when Charlie walks through the door instead of Cas or Sam.

“I brought provisions,” she says. “Sam will come see you soon.  He’s got two hunters up in Albuquerque that have never seen a ghoul before.”

Jack tries to smile.  It must look a little lopsided, because Charlie’s fades.

“Laptop, DVDs, the whole shebang.”

She sets her offering down on the end of Jack’s bed.

His face lights up. “Star Wars?”

Charlie grins. “Best movies of all time.  I love Leia.”

He’s been turning over what Dean said in his mind for the last few hours as he stared at the ceiling—his chest hurts too much to do anything else—and it doesn’t quite make sense yet.

“Charlie, what’s love?”

A flash of emotions play out across her face, one after the other.  It’s too fast for Jack to follow.  She finally settles on a neutral expression.

“I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that you’re not talking about Leia.”

Jack nods.  He knows why someone would love her—she’s the coolest.

“Love is pretending you love cupcakes, even if you don’t, just because she makes them for you.”

Her eyes glitter a little with tears.  Jack focuses on the shiny DVD cover while she recovers.

“Anyway.  Rest.  The others will swing around soon.”

Jack watches her retreating back until the door clicks shut and then slides the DVD out.

Toward the end of The Empire Strikes Back, Jack pauses on “I know” and fishes his phone out of the tangle of his sheets.

Mary?

He types and retypes the text a few times before he finally sends it.

what’s love?

If anyone would know, it would be Mary.  When they were captured by Michael, she’d tell him stories at night as she patched him up after Michael’s experiments.  About Sam and Dean when they were kids, about her husband, her parents.  

Love had been in every one.

She hesitates on her answer.  Jack can see the bubbles appear and then disappear.  He holds his phone tighter.

Love is being there for someone.

Then, another text.

I heard from Sam.  I’m on my way.

Love is being there.  Jack puts the phone away, and despite the pain in his chest, he doesn’t think he’s felt this at ease since Lucifer stole his Grace.

By the time Sam bursts into his room, Jack is nearly done with Return of the Jedi.  Sam has the beginning of a five o’clock shadow edging on to his face.  Jack wonders distractedly if that’s what happens when he gets worried—he just grows a beard.

“Jack.”

Jack tries to suppress a cough.  His whole body shakes with it.  Sam sits down on the edge of his bed, reaches out to take his temperature with the back of his hand.  It’s cool.  Jack leans into it despite himself.

He’s expecting Sam to yell at him for putting himself—for putting Dean—in danger.  The buddy system doesn’t do much good when one of the buddies is spitting up blood in between interviewing witnesses.  Sam doesn’t.

“I thought—” Sam’s voice stops.

He looks so much older than the last time Jack saw him.  For the first time, he notices the glint of silver just beginning to poke through the roots of Sam’s hair.  Sam scrubs a hand over his face.  It doesn’t do much to make him look less exhausted.

“Love,” Jack says abruptly, wanting to distract him. “Dean tried to explain it to me.”

A smile. “Dean?  As in, my brother?”

Jack just stares at him. “He’s the only Dean I know.”

Sam snorts. “Yeah, I know.  He’s just not really—love and love, you know?  Not really his bag.”

Jack doesn’t know what he could possibly mean by that.  He’s not sure if it’s the pounding headache that’s beginning to build behind his eyes or not.  He must look confused, because Sam keeps going.

“Love, huh?” Sam smooths his hands over his thighs, brushes some dirt off the knees of his jeans. “Forgiveness.  That’s love.”

Jack can’t help the yawn.  He tries his best to fight it back, but Sam still notices.  His face softens.

“You need rest.  Whatever this is—well.  You’ll need all the strength you can get.”

When Jack opens his eyes again, it’s to find Castiel sitting by his bedside.  He blinks blearily for a moment.  It’s hard to keep his eyes open. “Hello, Jack,” Cas says, leaning forward. He brushes some of Jack’s hair out of his face.  Jack’s throat closes over, and it’s not his illness.  He’s seen that movement in movies and TV shows.

As far as Jack is concerned, he doesn’t have a father.  But he imagines this is what it’s like. “I brought you soup.” Jack tries to sit up, but he doesn’t have the energy.  Cas braces a hand behind his head and helps him lean against the headboard.  Jack has never felt so weak in his life. “Thanks,” Jack manages to croak. He takes a swallow as Cas raises a spoon to his mouth.  Jack can’t quite tell what the flavor is, but the warmth feels good on his throat.  His whole body aches, and even the slight movement hurts.  He closes his eyes. “I tried to heal you while you were asleep.” Neither of them need to finish the sentence.  Something cold settles in Jack’s chest. He doesn’t think he’s afraid to die—facing down Lucifer in that church, all he’d wanted was for Sam to escape.  But the thought of Cas here in this room, alone, Cas carrying his body, wrapped in a sheet—it nearly breaks him. “Cas—“ he starts, but he can’t quite finish the thought. Cas spoons another mouthful into Jack’s mouth.  When a bit escapes on to his chin, Cas wipes it away. “Dean said I should give you ‘the talk,’ but only once you’re better.” He puts actual air quotes around the words.  Jack tried to smile, but it takes pretty much all of his energy to stay upright. “Tell me about love, then.”

Cas smiles.  There’s a flicker of the Castiel that Jack knows beneath the worried hunch of his shoulders.

“Love is coming home,” Cas tells him. “Come on.  Eat the rest of your soup.”

Love, Jack decides, is a lot simpler than the movies say.

“Hey.”

Cas looks up from the pile of books in front of him.  None of them have shown him how to save Jack, and his flipping between pages has gotten more and more frantic as the evening has worn on.

“Dean,” he acknowledges, turning back to the book.

It’s about angelic diseases.  And, as far as Cas knows, it’s totally false.  He’s never heard of an angel getting sick before.  

“It’s been hours.  You need to take a break.”

Cas glares. “I do not need breaks.”

Dean sinks into the chair beside him, watching him carefully.  For his part, Cas returns his gaze to the pile in front of him.  It’s become clear these past through hours that the cure to Jack’s illness isn’t going to be in a book.  There have only been about a dozen Nephilims over the course of human history.  None, to Cas’s knowledge, have ever had their Grace ripped out.

“I’ve been thinking about something since I talked to Jack.”

Something about the tone in his voice makes Cas look up from his book.  Dean takes one from the top of the stack and opens it to the table of contents.

“He asked me about love.”

Cas nods.  Apparently, he’s just been asking around the bunker.  He’d overheard Charlie telling Maggie about it when he’d gone to find a few more books.

“And I started thinking.  About how I’ve never said some things that I should have.”

This is not the right time for this.

“Dean—”

Dean doesn’t look at him. “After Ramiel nearly killed you, you said something.  And I was too scared to do anything about it.  I just need you to know that—”

“—I know,” Cas says. “I do, Dean.  I just can’t.  Not right now.  With Jack, I—”

Dean nods, looks down at the books. “Right.  Yeah.”

He gets up.

When he returns, he has coffee and a blanket that he passes over to Cas without a word.  Then, he takes the seat beside him and opens up his book.  Cas glances over at him when Dean’s not looking.  There’s going to be a time for this, he swears it.

Because being here with Dean?  It’s like coming home.

(ao3)

[eubii]

The 11 Get To Know Me Tag!

Thank you so much, @whatsatanisthinking for tagging me! Two tags in one day? It’s Christmas! :D ♥

Rules: 1. Always post the rules 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you 3. Write 11 questions of your own 4. Tag 11 people

1. Do you have any kind of mental illness? Diagnosed? No. But I used to take pills to ease my anxiety. Even though I really am a people person and I enjoy talking to people and being outgoing in general, I had problems with leaving my house without feeling utterly anxious due to some medication I took some time before. I haven’t taken the pills for anxiety since approx. the second half of May and I’ve been doing just fine the whole time! :)

2. How did you find tumblr? That’s actually a really interesting question! :D I think that it was around that time when I seriously fell for a fandom for the first time in my life. The fandom was the Attack on Titan fandom and I accidentally discovered tumblr looking for doujinshis ( = fan-created manga, with a pairing subtext) ((basically through looking for more gay porn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ))

3. Pineapple on pizza or not? Pineapple NO-fricking-WHERE. Just the smell makes me sick!

4. Best place to be? Doesn’t really matter as long as the right people are there with me. But I do feel most comfortable around our suburbia. :) I’ve grown up here and have a lot of good memories connected to this place!

5. Do you write? Oh, I do! Only fanfictions though, which is kind of funny because I used to be against writing them and now I can’t imagine myself writing anything else. You can bet that I have at least one fanfiction for each pairing that touched my heart in one way or another. I’m actually currently plotting a new one! :)

6. What makes you happy? So many things. Music, TV Series, Reading, Spending time with my friends, Spending time with my family, Spending time online, Interacting with people, Succeeding, Debating, Rain, Compliments, Money (material girl), Writing, Seeing my work being used etc. etc. there’s a lot of things which make me happy!

7. What was your first fandom? My first fandom with sleepless nights, shipping, reading fanfictions, listening to songs which remind me of certain characters/pairings and with basically everything a real fandom should have was the Attack on Titan fandom!

8. What was the first band you were fan of? If I remember correctly the first band that honestly moved my heart were The Neighbourhood. ♥ They’re still one of my favourite bands of all time, I’ve been to two of their concerts so far and I’d love to attend many more!

9. Did you ever do something that made you think all of your friends hated you? Yeah, I did. It was during a school trip and honestly, it’s so extremely stupid but during that time it really made me feel horrible. Long story short we got to take a sip from a river source in mountains and I just felt incredibly sick after drinking a few drops and my friends became affected with me constantly ranting about how I do not feel well to the point where they began to feel unwell as well. So I, like the big leader I claim to be, decided to let the teachers know that I and my friends do not feel completely alright. That led to the teachers prohibiting all of us from the tour which was supposed to be the next day. Suddenly my friends lashed out on me with how did I dare to tell the teachers that they feel sick when they actually don’t and that I should tell them about my sickness on. They stopped talking to me and it just made me feel really, really bad.

10. What are you afraid of? Not long ago a subway got stuck with me for like 2 minutes and it made me realise that I’m super afraid of getting stuck somewhere, in an elevator for example. I used to have claustrophobia when I was little so I guess these are the remaining aftereffects. :D I’m also afraid of failing and criticism.

11. Thunderstorms or Sunshine? Thunderstorms, no questions here. ♥

12. God or the devil? Science  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

13. TCC (teacher crush community) or TCC (true crime community): What do you think of the relationship between them? I’m terribly sorry but I have no idea what these are! Even if I looked them up I wouldn’t be able to tell you much about the relationship between them since I haven’t heard of them until now. I could do some digging and answer additionally! :)

14. Rain or thunderstorm? Oh my God, rain. Rain. Rain all the way. Raining is my favourite weather. Rain makes everything better in my opinion. If I wake up and it’s raining my mood immediately raises up!

15. Love+hate or complete boredom, but without hate? I actually thought about this question a lot. And I came to the conclusion that a complete boredom without hate can not exist. Anything without any hate seems completely surreal to me. Nothing is only white or black and if it had been then it would have been absolutely boring, as you stated and everything seems better than just ‘nothing’. So, yeah, love + hate!

16. A war for the right moral or no war but a bad government? As much as I hate wars I’d go with the first option in that case. If something is done badly it needs to change. And things are not going to magically change if there’s no action. To be honest I’m almost completely against the government. I despise the idea that someone has the upper hand over me or over anyone, really.

17. Nietzsche or Kant? Nietzche. His way of thinking seems pretty rebellious and somehow ‘anarchistic’ to me and I can definitely relate to that!

18. MBTI or Hogwarts House test? Enneagram. No, really :D Definitely MBTI over Hogwarts House test. But also definitely Enneagram over MBTI. Enneagram is disturbingly fitting, seriously reading about my enneagram type is like reading about my whole self and I love that! While with MBTI there are some things which seem a bit too off at least about my type. That doesn’t stop me from being a total slut for MBT, though. When I meet someone I begin to classify them as one of the 16 types right away! (same goes for fictional characters)

19. Swearing or puns? Honestly, both. But if it comes to me, definitely swearing. I swear so much around my friends that it must annoy the heck out of them. :D Thankfully I can control my foul mouth around children and (some) adults.

20. Psychopathy or sociopathy? Speaking in terms of fictional characters then 100% psychopathy! I love psychopathic characters to the core, almost all of my top favourite characters are psychopaths in one way or another or at least tend to psychopathic behaviour. But in real life, I’m going to go with sociopathy, without a doubt. We have to keep in mind that psychopaths, as charming as they can be, are dangerous people who are capable of doing horrible, inhuman things. Sociopaths are not really a threat to mankind, at least not that much of a threat as psychopaths are.

21. Family or friends? This is a question which, at least in my case, can not be answered. I love my family just as much as I love my friends. I do not have abusive parents and even if we get into an argument from time to time it’s never been anything which would make me ‘hate’ them to the point where I would prefer my friends over them.

22. Sheriarty or Destiel? Saved the best for last, I see. ;^3 Definitely my sweet consulting boyfriends! ♥

- - - - -

Okay, time for my contribution to the tag!

1. What is your biggest obsession right now? (Whether a book, song, character, could be anything really!)

2. Would you say you’re more lawful or chaotic? (according to moral alignment)

3. Recommend us one song you love!

4. How do you feel about “more colour more pride” ? (see: https://morecolormorepride.com/)

5. Would you say you’re more dominant or submissive? Generally speaking.

6. What is that one character quality you look for in others?

7. What is that one character quality that repels you?

8. Which language would you love to learn?

9. “I wish I were more...”, fill in the gap!

10. “I wish I were less...”

11. Write a short message to whoever comes to your mind, you don’t have to address them, just write what would you want to tell them! :)

- - - - -

Okay, I’m seriously buying ice cream to everyone who read the whole thing because this was one heck of a ride! :D But I enjoyed every bit of it! ♥

I’m tagging: @midnightmemory66 ; @erenistotallytop ; @harrisonatemyapplescruffs ; @anniemirai ; @mylockedforgood ; @deduction-of-sherlockholmes ; @morporkianhobbit ; @did-you-miss-me-moriarty ; @go-to-hell-sherlock-holmes ; @zubaidahwolf Again, hope you don’t mind getting tagged because I seriously tag you in everything! Please have some patience with me! :D And as always,  if someone feels like doing this tag just consider yourself tagged by me! :)