#desmond gets lots of baths when he was with altaïr

[teecupangel]

Seeing so many animal Desmond tropes and I can't believe no one suggested the hooded pitohui. Some people thought pitohui!Desmond was being dumb when he didn't fly away but jokes on them when most people became paralyzed, some died, but no one believed it to be Desmond's fault except the Assassins he hangs around.

If the name sounds familiar, you might have heard of the hooded pitohui from this tumblr post.

As hooded pitohuis are mostly known for having black and orange plumage, just imagine Desmond to be more on the black and Assassin red plumage.

For this one, Desmond’s toxicity is a special case in the sense that he can amplify or weaken the poison he emits as there is some Isu Bullshit involved but in general…

We all know hooded pitohuis are toxic but Assassins (and Templars) before modern day didn’t so…

Altaïr: Definitely felt the numbness and the burning sensation when he handled Desmond for the first time. Instead of going “Oh, this is bad”, he definitely did experiments with Desmond which includes getting samples of Desmond’s feathers from various parts of his body and checking where the numbness originates from. Would definitely rub Desmond on his throwing knives and blades. Would absolutely get some poor crusader or guard to lick Desmond just to see how bad Desmond’s poison can get. (Desmond agrees to all of these ‘experiments’ because Altaïr also gives the best berries and shares his own food to Desmond)

Ezio: Didn’t know Desmond was poisonous until Leonardo told him. Leonardo also did experiments with Desmond and the poison blade is based on Desmond’s poison (thanks to Altaïr’s experiments). Definitely licked his hand after touching Desmond because Leonardo told him to.

Ratonhnhaké:ton: Learned Desmond is poisonous after observing him sitting on Haytham’s shoulder and rubbing his bird body against Haytham’s cheek. Also… Haytham was immobilized for hours. Hard not to understand that Desmond was poisonous after that. Doesn’t make Desmond poison his weapons nor ask for any poisoned feathers. On the other hand, Desmond makes a good hunting companion who can easily numb their prey enough that Ratonhnhaké:ton can take them down. They have a relationship similar to a wolf and a corvid. Absolutely never tried to lick his hands after touching Desmond, who the hell does that???

Edward: It is an unwritten rule not to shoot down seabirds in ships and some, like Edward, practice the whole ‘do not shoot birds EVER’ tradition that some sailors/pirates do. So when there’s this small black and red bird that starts flying near him, Edward just makes sure that he doesn’t shoot it. Edward never learns that Desmond is toxic. He consider the bird a sign that he was going to be lucky today, mostly believing the guards are groggy or sick because they’re still drunk. It’s only after he actually joined the Brotherhood that he learns of the poisonous bird of legends and went “Oooohhhh…”. He definitely licked his hands after touching Desmond and it was by accident and he just thought that the latest rum he drank was special.

Shay: Liam definitely dared him to lick his hand after touching Desmond. Hope told him not to do it. He absolutely did. He still sees the bird at times even after he defected but the bird never comes near him again. The only time it ever comes near is when it sits on Master Kenway’s shoulder. Shay had to help Master Kenway once more twice after being poisoned by the bird though.

Arno: The poison the Brotherhood uses is based on Desmond’s poison. They don’t normally interact though but Desmond had been kind enough to let Arno rub his blades against his feathers whenever he becomes low on poisoned ammo. No. Arno did not lick his hand after touching Desmond. He wasn’t stupid. (… he might have tried to rub his face on Desmond’s fur after Élise broke up with him but he was drunk so that shouldn’t count!)

Evie and Jacob: They both heard of the poisoned bird of legends, of course. Desmond likes to fly around them whenever they have a mission. Evie told Jacob not to lick his hand after holding Desmond. Jacob stared at Evie dead in the eye as he licked… Desmond himself. It was very traumatizing for everyone involved.

[teecupangel]

So since I saw the corgi Desmond Idea for yew branches, all I can think about is if someone else get reincarnated alongside desmond as another dog. Like say Altair somehow gets reincarnated as a dog, thinking Saluki or Dobermann, too. Also because I find it amusing to think about him yoinking Corgi Desmond because he glows gold. And Desmond who was just chilling in his bag wondering why this dog just snatched him. Along with Jacob having to chase after this surprisingly sneaky dog, who somehow keeps out maneuvering him as he tries to get the Desmond back. Just kept thinking about this when I saw the idea :)

Okay, so nonny, there’s this movie I love as a kid. Used to rewatch it a lot. It’s called Cats & Dogs and it’s such a dumb movie but kid!me loved it so when I read this, I just remember that movie and you know what.

Screw eagle symbolism.

Corgi!Desmond gets yoinked by this bigass dog just as Jacob finally got him from those thugs who stole him from his sweet mom and Desmond is just…

He is sooooo done with this day.

He just wants to go home, take a long bath with the right temperature of water and with two maids massaging him as they clean him then sleep on his comfy doggie bed (which is the fluffiest pillow in the whole Disraeli household. He dragged it out of the Disraeli couple’s bed himself, damn it.)

But he can’t do that because this big ass Canaan dog stole him from what may or may not be an actual Assassin (FINALLY! Where the hell have they all been???) and this was also the perfect way to see how good the Assassin was.

…

…

…

He sucked.

And Desmond wasn’t even sure if the Assassin was just that bad or if this dog that has now dognapped him was just too good?

He was sure that this fucking dog just did a leap of faith and that was a sentence Desmond didn’t think he would ever think about.

This fucking life…

Finally, the big dog managed to shake the Assassin off by diving inside a hole that was just small enough for him but definitely too small for the Assassin. From there, Desmond realized that they were in some kind of underground…

Were those bones?

Oh fuck.

They were in the catacombs.

Desmond finally turned to face the dog and tried to say “Hey, man. I have a home. Just let me go and I won’t bite you.” even though he knew none of the animals he tried to talk to could understand him.

But this dog just went and said through gritted teeth as he kept his jaws clamped on the handles of Desmond's bag, “I’d like to see you try, little one.”

And Desmond’s just… BSOD.

What the fuck.

The dog talked.

He understood Desmond.

And Desmond understood him.

What the ever living fuck.

Too surprised by the sudden appearance of another talking dog, Desmond just let the big dog take him to one of the the deeper catacombs and…

Holy shit.

Was that…

He was pretty sure those clothes in the middle of the room was some kind of Isu clothes similar to what Minerva and Juno wore.

Oh great.

The dog who kidnapped him must be some kind of Isu bullshit that Desmond didn’t want to deal with.

And he was just finally getting used to being a lazy dog.

That’s when he hears another voice…

A more familiar voice.

“You brought another one, Altaïr?”

And a Maremma Sheepdog walks towards them as the Canaan Dog dropped his bag to the floor. He looked at Desmond and sniffed him, making Desmond freeze, before gasping.

“Altaïr, this dog smells like he takes a bath everyday. Did you steal him?”

“I stole him from one of those novices.”

And now that Desmond heard the dog’s name, he realized that, yeah, the dog also sound so fucking familiar. He didn’t realize it before because his voice and words had been a bit hard to understand since he had been holding the handles of Desmond’s bag with his teeth.

“The woman or the man?”

“The man.”

“Ah, poor boy.”

“That doesn’t mean you should steal someone’s dog.” Another familiar voice said and Desmond’s eyes widened even further as he saw a…

Holy shit.

Wolf?

No.

A wolfdog.

And that was the day Desmond realized that he wasn’t the only Assassin to have been reincarnated as a dog.

.

.

The Canine Brotherhood’s main mission?

To find and stop the perpetrators of the disappearing cats and dogs in London!

Evidence suggests that the Templars are involved and they have a lead.

They go to a warehouse that was supposed to be abandoned. Instead, it is filled with dogs and cats that are weirdly docile.

And learn the true perpetrators!

The Feline Templar Rite!

Ronron de Sabmiaou!

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Cesare Bormiao!

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Charmeow Lee!

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And they have the BALL OF EDEN! NO ANIMAL CAN WITHSTAND ITS MIND CONTROL WHEN IT ROLLS!

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AND IT IS UP TO THE CANINE BROTHERHOOD TO STOP THEM!

Altaïr Ibn-La’Ahauhau

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Ezio Baubauditore da Firenze

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Connor Kenwoffwoff

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Desmond Disraeli (He comes from a rich family and no, he will not accept Desmond Milyipyip)

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And, yes, Desmond is the only small dog in their Brotherhood and he hates it. They can easily pick him up using his nice bag. It's embarrassing but it means he doesn't have to walk which is a plus. (All dogs except Desmond are supposed to be native in the Assassin's birthplace)

On the other hand, yes. I did base the Templar cats on a bald cat, a cat who looks like he'll throw a temper tantrum, and a cat with a mustache without a care if they're native to each Templar's birthplace.

(In my defense… I should be sleeping already. I cannot be held responsible for whatever crazy idea my sleep-deprived brain comes up with)