#desire and hatred and envy and desperation etc

[ghostliteal]

Amadeus - loved by God; love of God

This was one of my final projects for Kat Lam’s illustration class! I’ve wanted to create a poster for Amadeus for a while now, but through the class I think I was able to push the concept a lot further.

I wanted to capture the conflict Salieri feels possessing mortal approval, when really he desires immortal approval in the form of Mozart’s “god-given” talent.

It was really fun finding references for his hand gestures (I wanted to give him a baton, but apparently they weren’t used in conducting until the early 1800's) and for the theater! It's a real theater in Prague that's been operating since 1783 (and maybe I spotted it again in S2 of IWTV?)

[lizzxrd]

Feeling particularly mentally ill about Silva and Amalthus again. Thinking abt their dynamics and it's making my brain vibrate.......

Silva just completely abhorring Indol and religion in general but also desperately wanting any sort of forgiveness for the vague unknowable feeling of guilt he carried with him since he became a Blade Eater. Amalthus being essentially the pope for a religious nation that prides itself in altruism and forgiveness and also him being a self proclaimed god with followers with a cult-like devotion.

Silva hating people who think of themselves too highly and authority figures but also clinging onto those kinds of people and structures that allow them to exist because that's all he knows.

Amalthus hiding all of his true emotions behind a cold uncaring veneer and Silva constantly goading him bc 1) he simply hates his ass and it's fun to torment him and 2) he wants to know what exactly lurks underneath that mask. He wants to draw out Amalthus's true hatred and unapologetically vile nature to take him down a peg.

Amalthus treating Silva as a lesser not bc he believes him to be as a Blade but rather bc he envies him for being a stronger Blade Eater - one that was made far before Amalthus turned himself into one at that.

Them desiring each other bc they cannot truly obtain/control/best the other. Them wanting what they cannot or rather should not have. etc.

[alilaro]

random Volturi outfits  (1/?)      •   details under the cut  ↬

(from left to right →)

1.  main verse

2.  cottagecore au

  ↬  aro: merchant/baker/angler   ↬  sulpicia: engineer/medicine/armory   ↬  caius: cartographer/architect/carpenter   ↬  marcus: farmer/herbalist/shepherd   ↬  athenodora: hunter/weaponsmith/arborist

3.  (casual) human au

4.  pokemon au

   ↬  aro: psychic/fairy—mime jr., florges (yellow, shiny), abra, claydol, espeon, hynpo.

   ↬  sulpicia: electric/poison—shinx/luxray (shiny), toxel, seviper, raichu (alolan), mareep, dedenne.

   ↬  caius: fire/dark—quilava, impidimp, marowak (alolan), vulpix, scrafty, zoroark.

   ↬  marcus: grass/ghost—phantump, venusaur, torterra, sawsbuck, morelull, yamask.

   ↬  athenodora: steel/ice—riolu/lucario, aggron, sandslash (ice), perrserker, frosmoth, corviknight.

5.  steven universe/gem au  (full reference)

  ↬  aro: rose spinel. round gem on right hand, made by pink diamond. electroswing.

  ↬  sulpicia: hessonite. cushion gem on left hand, made by pink diamond. chiptune.

  ↬  caius: seafoam pearl. cabochon gem on forehead, made by yellow diamond. (given to moss agate.) piano.

  ↬  marcus: prasiolite. round gem on chest, made by blue diamond. chillhop/strings.

  ↬  athenodora: indego zircon. baguette gem on collar, made by blue diamond. synth beat.

6.  demon au

  ↬  aro is a minor demon of gluttony; working for Beelzebub. curses people into overindulgence of, not just food, but other addictions (ie; drink, drug, spending, etc) His presence is also known to cause the rotting of food, famine, and eventually even cannibalism. 

  ↬  sulpicia is a minor demon of greed; working for Mammon. She makes her victims uncaring and unsympathetic to those around them willing them to become so greedy that they will take from others directly with malice. She causes hallucinations, akin to being "blinded by greed", tricking them into risks that lead to punishment or death. Her acts range from petty theft to long-term acts of greed for power such as dictatorship, whereas she uses the person as a puppet, speaking through them and affecting the lives not just one, but many. 

  ↬  caius is a minor demon of envy; working for Belphegor. His presence causes a person's anxiety and self-doubt to fester into spite, hatred, resentment. The person will usually be so blinded by their jealousy that they destroy whatever they had to begin with (ruining relationships, lack of success, etc), to the point where they feel like they have nothing left, and succumb to misery. He is known to occasionally tempt people into drowning themselves, and if successful, they’re souls become trinket-like treasures for him to keep.

  ↬  marcus is a minor demon of sloth; working for Abaddon. His curse is slow but painful. His victims will slowly lose motivation and inspiration in the passions they have, no matter how hard they try they just can’t seem to find satisfaction. Soon the person is so accustomed to passionless rest and it becomes all they know. They lack all ambition to move on. They linger on the past. They fantasize about what they could’ve been, and the dream becomes their reality, consuming them. His victims often die by the hands of negligence—having become so absorbed by their own imagined lives that they forget to take care of the one they have, acting comatose in their last days as their physical form succumbs to hunger, thirst, or disease.

  ↬  athenodora is a minor demon of pride; working for Lucifer. Her influence makes her victims prone to risk-taking, from something like gambling and losing it all, to getting into accidents, or for a unsatiable desire of “success”, gaining a one-track mind and gaining near-successes followed by a life-ruining plummet, usually by their own hubris, and with nothing to fall back on. Can amp a persons pride so much they will sacrifice their lives for unnecessary or selfish reasons, in a desperate attempt to be seen as a ‘hero’, to the point of hallucinating scenes/memories that are completely nonexistent, when they will most likely be forgotten to all.

7.  formal wear: dress

8.  formal wear: suit

[writinggeisha]

According to Thomas Fuller, the devil lies brooding in the miser’s chest. Rod Stewart said that a person has to have a burning desire in the chest to succeed. And then there’s Erma Bombeck, who quipped, “What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?”

An overweight man or out-of-shape bodybuilder might have pecs that move and look like flabby breasts. A female stevedore or competitive swimmer might develop a muscular torso that appears more masculine than feminine.

In several areas of this post I created separate headings for chests and breasts. However, you might prefer to apply words differently, sometimes for comedic effect.

When considering descriptors, pay attention to opinion adjectives and how they affect point of view.

Emotion Beats

Before reviewing the following beats, note that he crossed his arms across his chest can be shortened to he crossed his arms.

Many readers will associate a puffed-out chest with aggression or arrogance, but they might not see a clear association with delight or determination. Ensure suitable context for vague emotion beats.

Aggression Puffed-out chest

Aggrievement, distress Shoulders slumped inward over chest Chest, neck, and face flush and feel hot

Agitation, nervousness Clutching papers against chest

Amazement Holding a hand against chest

Anger Thrusting chest forward, fists propped on hips

Anticipation Holding a hand against chest

Anxiety Tightness in the chest

Arrogance Puffed-out chest

Confidence, scorn, smugness Puffed-out chest Light feeling in the chest

Conflict Tightness in the chest

Confusion Tightness in the chest

Contempt Puffed-out chest

Defeat, desperation, discouragement When emotion is intense: chest pains or numbness accompanied by thumping heart

Defensiveness Pressing chin against chest Holding both hands over chest, shoulders hunched inward

Delight, euphoria Puffed-out chest Heart drumming in chest

Depression Hollow sensation in chest

Desire Heart fluttering in chest

Determination Puffed-out chest

Disappointment Tightness in chest

Dread, fear, terror Chest pains Clutching chest with one or both hands Heavy sensation, tingling in chest Closed posture, arms and fists pulled into chest

Embarrassment Tightness in chest Drooping posture, chest pulled inward

Envy, jealousy Heartburn burbling up into chest

Excitement Chest-bumping with another person or persons

Frustration, irritation Tightness in chest

Gratitude Placing one hand over chest (heart)

Guilt, shame Tightness in chest Lowering chin to chest

Happiness Placing both hands over chest

Hatred Tightness in chest When emotion is intense: chest pains or numbness accompanied by thumping heart

Hopefulness Placing both hands over chest Humiliation Tightness and pain in chest

Insecurity Holding a familiar item of comfort against the chest (stuffed animal, lucky charm, photo of a loved one, etc.)

Overwhelm Sitting or sleeping in fetal position, with knees drawn close to chest

Pride Puffed-out chest

Regret Tightness in chest Massaging shoulder or chest

Resentment Tightness in chest

Sadness Tightness in chest Heavy sensation in chest Massaging shoulder or chest

Satisfaction Puffed-out chest

Sexual attraction Embracing someone, with full chest-to-chest contact

Shame Tightness in chest Shoulders hunched forward over chest

Shock, surprise Quickly clutching chest with one or both hands

Sympathy Crossing hands over chest and curling shoulders inward

Adjectives, Both Chests and Breasts

A to C Abnormal, adolescent, amazing, ample, armored, athletic, bare, beautiful, blood-caked, bloodied, bloodstained, boyish, brazen, bristly, bruised, bulging, bulky, bushy, childish, chubby, clean, cold, compact

D and E Damp, defined, deformed, delicate, developed, developing, diminutive, divine, effeminate, elongated, emaciated, empty, enchanting, enormous

F and G Fabulous, fat, feminine, fevered, flat, flawless, fleshy, fragile, frail, frosty, frozen, full, furry, gleaming, glossy, glowing, gorgeous, grimy, grizzled

H to M Hairless, hairy, hard, healthy, hideous, hirsute, hot, icy, ideal, immense, impressive, inflamed, insubstantial, iridescent, leathery, magnificent, marvelous, massive, meager, motionless

N to R Naked, narrow, outstanding, painful, perfect, phenomenal, prodigious, prominent, proud, puny, raw, repugnant, resilient, rock-hard

S Sexy, shaggy, shallow, shapely, shiny, shirtless, shrunken, slack, slender, slimy, slippery, smooth, sodden, sopping, sore, splendid, sticky, stunning, superb, sweaty

T to V Tempting, titanic, T-shirted, unattractive, underdeveloped, unimpressive, unprotected, unremarkable, unusual, veined, velvety, voluminous

W to Y Warm, well-defined, well-fleshed, well-proportioned, wet, wondrous, wrinkled, wrinkly, young, youthful

Adjectives Breasts Only

A to D Akimbo, alert, alluring, ample, barren, blubbery, bold, braless, budding, buoyant, busty, buxom, chaste, chesty, conspicuous, dainty, delectable, delicate, diminutive, dry

E to L Empty, enchanting, enlarged, exuberant, fake, firm, flabby, flaccid, free, generous, gigantic, girlish, heavy, high, huge, immature, jaunty, large, little, lopsided, lovely, lumpy, luscious, lush

M to R Maternal, mature, miniscule, modest, monstrous, nascent, numb, oversized, padded, pendulous, perky, pert, plump, pretty, ripe, rotund

S Saggy, sensitive, shriveled, small, smallish, soft, succulent, sweet, swollen

U to W Unbound, unencumbered, unfettered, upright, upstanding, useless, virginal, voluptuous, well-endowed, withered

Adjectives, Chests only

A to F Angular, athletic, bearish, beefy, bony, brawny, broad, buff, built, bullish, burly, cadaverous, carved, chiseled, clear, confident, congested, deep, expansive, frail

G to O Gangly, gaunt, handsome, hard, haughty, hench, Herculean, hollow, hulking, lean, male, mammoth, manly, masculine, matted, meaty, mighty, musclebound, muscular, obdurate, overdeveloped

P to R Powerful, puffed-out, rasping, raspy, resonant, ribbed, rickety, rigid, robust, rugged

S Scrawny, sculpted, serviceable, sinewy, skeletal, skinny, sleek, slick, solid, sonorous, strapping, streamlined, strong, stubbly, sturdy, sunken

T to W Taut, thick, thin, tight, tough, unyielding, valiant, vast, weak, well-muscled, wheezy, wide

Similes and Metaphors

Rather than copy any of the following, leverage them as ideas for your own phrasing.

Breasts like twin doorknobs

Breasts like twin watermelons

Breasts more wrinkled than last year’s apple crop

Breasts that bounce like water balloons

Chest as blocky as a chest of drawers

Chest flatter than a smushed bug

Chest hairier than a barber’s floor

Desire that burns like a wildfire in his chest

Fear cinched her chest tighter than any corset ever could

Grief—an anvil crushing his chest

Heart beating in her chest like a butterfly trapped in a net

Shock pierced his chest like a lightning bolt

Upper body like a bulldog’s chest

Colors

Torsos that spend hours bared in the sun will mirror the color and tone of a character’s neck and face.

If a character keeps the upper body covered most of the time, it will be lighter in color—humor fodder for Canadian or Icelandic protagonists, perhaps?

B to W Bronzed, coppery, creamy, crimson, dark, fair, freckled, lily-white, milky, orange, pale, pallid, patchy, pink, rosy, sallow, salt-and-pepper, snow-white, snowy, speckled, swarthy, tanned, tawny, white-haired

See also the Color/Tone section of 300+ Words to Describe Skin.

Scents

Exposure to many substances will cause a person’s chest to retain the aroma, often affecting first impressions.

If a woman, who has referred to herself as a “single virgin” in a matchmaking app, arrives with the smells of baby powder and spit-up emanating from her cleavage, her prospective date might suspect she isn’t telling the truth. A CEO whose chest smells like wet dog might trigger a sneezing fit and subsequent avoidance by a prospective investor.

A to D Almonds, antiseptic, baby oil, baby powder, bacon bits, a bakery, barfed-up booze, bat guano, the beach, body wash, burnt flesh, C4, camphor oil, cat food, chocolate milk, coffee grounds, cookie dough, depilatory, diaper cream, dirty socks, dog breath

E to R Egg salad, a forest glen, formaldehyde, goose grease, Grandma’s kitchen, gunpowder, halitosis, honey, kerosene, K-Y Jelly, lamp oil, lemon frosting, maple syrup, musty beard, old books, a one-night stand, orange peels, peppermint tea, pilfered doughnuts, pipe tobacco, rancid coconut oil, road kill, rotten cheese, salad dressing

S to W Sandalwood, sawdust, shampoo, a skunk, soap, a sour dishrag, sour milk, a spice rack, spit-up, stinky towels, strawberries, sunblock, sweat, talcum powder, tar, tent canvas, too much cologne, vanilla, wet dog

Shapes

Many shapes in this short list can refer to both chests and breasts.

A to W Asymmetrical, barrel-chested, bell-shaped, blocky, concave, conical, convex, domed, flat, misshapen, pear-shaped, pigeon-chested, pointed, pointy, round(ed), shapeless, teardrop, triangular, wedge-shaped, well-rounded

Verbs (1) Transitive

These verbs take direct objects. A character’s chest might burn with desire, fill with air, or strain against shackles.

A to S Ache (from, with), brush (against), burn with, engorge with, fill with, heave (against, into), peek out of, press against, resemble, rub (against), scrape against, slam (into), strain against, support

Verbs (2) Intransitive

The verbs in this section don’t require an object. A chest might balloon, congest, or expand. Period.

A to G Ache, appear, balloon, bead with, bleed, bounce, bulge, burn, clog (up), collapse, congest, constrict, dangle, deflate, distend, drip, expand, freeze, gleam, glisten, glitter, glow

H to T Hang, hurt, itch, jut, leak, perspire, prickle, protrude, rattle, relax, ripple, sag, shine, shrink, sink, spasm, strain, sweat, tickle, tighten

Verbs (3): Verbs that Take Chest/Breast or Chests/Breasts as an Object

Examples:

Serafina bandaged her chest with strips torn from her petticoat.

Brad thumped his chest. “Nobody tells me what to do.”

An arrow pierced the knight’s chest.

A to H Adorn with, bandage, bare, batter, beat (at, on), blanket with, claw at, clutch, compress, cover, crush, cut, decorate with, display, draw on, expand, expose, feel, flash, hold, hug

I to S Inflate, lacerate, massage, paint, palpate, pierce, poke, press (against), puff (out, up), punch, push, shake, shave, slash, slather with, slice, squeeze, stab, strike, swath (in, with)

T to W Thrust out, thump, touch, uncover, unveil, wax, wound

Nouns, Both Chests and Breasts

N to T Nipples, pecs, pectorals, thorax

Refer to the next two sections as well for suitable nouns.

Nouns, Chests Only

You might (usually in poetry or older works) find breast used as a replacement for chest, as in: He beat upon his breast.

Compared to the plethora of slang and vulgar terms coined by authors for breast(s), I discovered a dearth of similar words for chest. Prompt for an opinion editorial, perhaps?

B to T Breast, Chewbacca sweater, gorilla torso, lung carpet, man boobs, manpelt, manssier-stuffer, muscleini, rib cage, thorax, torso, trunk

Find more words by googling slang terms for chest.

Nouns, Breasts Only

If your character is an uncouth jerk, you might be able to get away with using some of the rude words of this section in dialogue. Otherwise, you’ll invite the ire of readers. As Shakespeare’s Falstaff said, “Discretion is the better part of valor.”

If you need more offensive words, google derogatory terms for breasts or offensive names for breasts.

B to F Bazookas, boobs, bosom, bra stuffers, breast-o-raunts, bust, buzzums, casabas, chesticles, chi-chis, cleavage, Daddy’s playground, double-Ds, flotation devices

G to X The girls, healthy lungs, hooters, jugs, knockers, mammary glands, mammas, mammilla, melons, milk tanks, mosquito bites, num-nums, ta-tas, teats, tits, twins, wardrobe malfunctions, XL lungs

Props

Props augment a story or twist it in new directions. Try some of these to add humor, pathos, or intrigue.

A to I Angina, beard that reaches to or covers the chest, broken rib, cancer, chest cold, COPD, cough, CPR, crumbs, emphysema, extra nipple, glitter, honey, huge nipples, inflammation

L to W Laceration, mastectomy, mastitis, measuring tape, missing nipple, muscle shirt, nipple piercing, pneumonia, scabs, scar, sequins, tattoos, wart

Clichés and Idioms

Chest �� chest … chest … breast … breast … breast …

Excessive repetition? Maybe you’ve incorporated too many clichés and idioms. Try these replacements.

Bare one’s breast [verb]: admit/show vulnerability

Beat (on, upon) one’s chest/breast [verb]: bewail, lament, mourn, regret

Close to one’s chest [adj]: confidential, hush-hush, secret

Get off one’s chest [verb]: admit, confess, reveal

Make a clean breast of it [verb]: admit, confess, reveal

Strong enough to put hair on one’s chest [adj]: powerful, pungent

Take a spear in the chest [verb]: admit, concede, confess

Thump one’s chest [verb]: bluster, boast, brag, swagger

[breatheinthesea]

Truth, set me free

If you’re reading this right now, I assume you’re coming from my video or you just happen to be among the few thousand who still follow this account- 

either way, and regardless of if you know me personally or not, I just have to start off by saying thank you. A genuine thank you- one that could make me cry just thinking about. I know anyone who couldn’t give a rats ass about me or my life wouldn’t be here, so by default, I’m guessing (secretly hoping) the rest of you do. Anyway, thank you for reading this. I know it’s long as hell and will take up some of your minutes here on earth, and that’s important to me, that you chose to be here rather than anywhere else. I want it to be like we’re sitting on the bed talking like best friends do when they really need to open up about something that’s been hurting them, even if I’m a complete stranger or just another “youtuber” to you. And speaking of best friends, I haven’t really fully opened up to mine about what’s been going on, so if you’re reading, I’m sorry for being so distant this past year and a half, and I hope this blog post helps everyone and anyone in whatever way it can. It will surely be helping me.

So, where to begin? is the question I am haunted by every time I think about actually writing this blog post. I begin obsessing over the starting point and then never end up starting, which can be so utterly frustrating. I have a thousand thoughts racing through my head, it’s hard enough to grab onto one, let alone place it in the perfect sequence. While writing used to ease my mind, now I am just overwhelmed by the never-ending options of words to use, opportunities to make run-on sentences, and ways to say everything I wish I would’ve said differently. I over-analyze every sentence, read it over and over and have to convince myself not to delete it. So as you can imagine, I’ve avoided any kind of writing lately- journaling, blogging, texting friends and emailing companies back, etc… You get the idea. Basically, something I used to love has turned into a struggle, something I avoid like the plague. And my mentioning this is to make a comparison of what my life’s turned into- something I used to love and now completely struggle to manage on a daily basis.

If you happened to sit through my agonizingly long video titled “Where Have I Been?”, then you’re probably already familiar with the fact that I’ve struggled with mental illness for a while now. If you didn’t watch it, and don’t want to, I basically explained that in the beginning of 2015, I began losing myself. I started questioning my religion that I had put my entire identity into, thus launching me into an identity and existential crisis, which I couldn’t really recognize at the time and surely didn’t know how to process. I felt extreme guilt, shame, and self-hatred for not being the person I thought I was for so many years, and who others expected me to be. I only confided in very few people, and they all told me to just keep praying and trying to mend my relationship with God, and when that didn’t work, I felt obligated to wear a mask of certainty to compensate for how terrified I was of actually admitting I didn’t know what I believed. It was exhausting and painful to keep up that facade, especially being so formerly open and confident about it online.

Now that I’ve spent the time analyzing exactly what happened and asking myself “where did it all go wrong?”, I’ve discovered the questioning and doubting actually began in 2013. I just couldn’t handle it anymore after two years of feeling like a fake, a sinner, a liar, and a person who was surely going to hell if I had died. And as it goes, those internalized emotions that I had been bottling up for years eventually manifested into harming myself in a desperate attempt to get the people around me to realize I was not okay. And it worked. I got the attention I desired, and it quickly turned into an obsession that I had not prepared myself for at all. I always believed I was in control of it, but just like with any addiction, it soon took control over me. I was powerless to the urges and addicted to the rush. I started cutting on February 7th, 2015 and didn’t stop until October 5th- 3 trips to the ER, 25 stitches, and 4 days in a psych ward later. It was the worst time of my life, and I was sure I had hit rock bottom.

Nope haha.

After months of therapy, I thought things were starting to look up. I moved out of my apartment that encased those terrible memories, and planned to start completely fresh. I was determined to get happy again. I began embracing the unknown and started aligning my actions with my morals. I discovered veganism and realized what I had been missing my entire life. I started smoking marijuana again after 5 years of demonizing it, which in turn helped keep me away from the heavy drinking which was a major trigger for my self-harm (I finally quit after cutting through a nerve that made me lose feeling in half my forearm.) I moved into an even bigger apartment, started dating someone who thought like I did, and spent all my time and energy trying to control and perfect every aspect of my life to make up for the years I felt I had wasted. I made my beauty room white and sparkly like everyone else’s, bought a better camera, new lighting, a monitor, a green screen, a new microphone, etc… and once everything was perfect in my eyes, I vowed to my subscribers that I was back, that “2016 would be my bitch”.

Nope again haha.

I still felt empty. I still wasn’t satisfied. I was still filling a void. While I attempted to make everything around me perfect, I just felt more and more imperfect. Thoughts of being incompetent, a failure, not good enough, and a waste of talent were all I could focus on. Filming gave me anxiety like I had never experienced before, and I was never satisfied with any video I tried to produce. My heart was simply no longer in it because the perfectionism I acquired inhibited any form of enjoyment that I formerly got from creating youtube videos. And this shattered me, because I had no plan B. I had no college degree to fall back on, no other passions, this was it for me. So I pushed on, and tried my best, but fell short over and over. The shame of not feeling capable of doing a job I used to be in love with, and that others would kill for and find incredibly easy, weighed on me every day like a ton of bricks. I watched other youtuber’s execute videos so flawlessly and passionately and instead of getting inspired, I became crippled with envy and decided I could never be as talented, as professional, as funny, as naturally beautiful as them, and this was so disheartening coming from a person who used to make videos called “how to be confident”. I realized that while I had recognized that I lost myself somewhere along the way, I never truly found myself, and still haven’t. I got swept up in my own depression, leaning solely on my boyfriend to make me happy, and we all know that doesn’t and cannot work for the benefit of both people in a relationship. I became attached, overly dependent, extremely jealous and it only caused more pain. I had so much negative energy, it was like carrying a cloud around me where anyone who came close would just suffocate with me.

Of course, I didn’t want to feel this way, and I noticed the only time I felt okay with myself was when I was high. So I stayed high. My addictive personality leached onto this plant like it was my new savior. I couldn’t stand being sober, because it revealed how miserable I was inside. I wasn’t willing or simply didn’t know how to deal with my emotions, and it got worse and worse as I continued to self-medicate and ignore the root cause of my depression and anxiety for months. I tried medication after medication and the up’s and downs from those side effects were truly unbearable at times. There were weeks where I didn’t enjoy anything or even recognize myself. My favorite foods didn’t appeal to me and all I wanted to do was sleep where I finally felt safe in a dream. I remember listening to music and there wasn’t a single song that made me feel anything. Nothing. It’s like I was a robot, just a body with no soul inside. I remember walking into my mom’s house one day and not recognizing her face. I remember getting my skirt altered for my best friend’s wedding and I was just staring out the window thinking “I’m not real. None of this is real.” I often felt like I was tripping and had to have someone convince me I was a real person, in a real world. My perception of reality would become so distorted. It sent me into panic, I would have severe episodes of rage and confusion and no one would know what to do about it or how to help me. This happened multiple times a week for a period of time. This is the type of shit that convinces people to kill themselves because they lose any attachment to themselves or outer world. It was the scariest shit I’ve ever experienced, and partially why I’ve sworn against anti-depressants and mood stabilizers for a while.

My life felt like it was falling apart, and well, it pretty much was. My income was decreasing at an alarming rate due to the fact that I was barely filming videos and terminated all contracts with any companies that tested on animals (all of them). I spent my money so carelessly because I never imagined that with this job I could ever fall back into debt. I was financially stable for so many years and expected that to be the case for a long time, but I was very wrong. The last month of living in my apartment I had to ask another Youtuber to loan me money to pay my rent, which was incredibly embarrassing and shameful for me, but thank god for kind and generous friends. I moved back into my moms house in October and my depression, anxiety and manic episodes continued full force.

I’m getting anxious at this point, biting my cuticles like a mad man trying to make sure my story comes across accurately. I’ve been putting this off for so long that now I just want it done and over with so I can move forward. But I don’t want to forget anything, or not include the important details of what’s been happening. But then again, I’m in control of this, and I think I just need to hurry it up. So, long story short, things got even worse once I moved home, which I didn’t think was possible. I was still smoking every day, my relationship with my mom was turning very ugly with almost every conversation ending in “fuck you” instead of “I love you.” I barely left my room and was sleeping more than any normal person should. My rage was at an all time high. We found a different psychiatrist to do some intensive testing on me, and after 4 hours of questioning, it was revealed to me that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. This was relieving and shocking all at the same time. I didn’t know what that “disorder” was when I first found out, but once I researched more, I realized I definitely acquired it somewhere along the way, and this was somewhat good news because now we at least had some direction to go in as far as treating it.

I started therapy again but it just wasn’t enough. I was still an emotional roller coaster every day, with no ambition to help myself and still completely reliant on marijuana to mellow me out. Everything overwhelmed me, everything scared me, and nothing was good enough. I would just stare at my walls and genuinely want to be dead. I was consumed by negative thoughts, and felt there was no way out. That’s when I decided to go to treatment.

I’ve been in treatment since January 25th. I go to a psychiatric facility every single day for 7 hours, and will for another month. We focus on DBT therapy and so far I’ve seen some improvement. I no longer have the manic episodes, and I’m learning how to control my anger in healthier ways. I’ve been sober for 67 days and will remain so for the duration of my treatment. I’ve met some pretty amazing people there, and just the structure and routine of it has been something I’ve needed for a long time. I don’t consider it a “cure” and my mental illnesses are something I will have to battle for a long, long time. Maybe even the rest of my life. But I can see the light now when for months all I saw was darkness. I’ve started reading books again and have fallen in love with learning and expanding the horizons of my mind. I’ve realized that nothing is the same as it was and nothing should ever be the same as it was. I am constantly growing and constantly becoming. I know now that I had a very abrupt spiritual awakening when I couldn’t yet comprehend that I was wakening, and it has proven to be the most important challenge in my life thus far, and for that, I am grateful.

As far as Youtube goes, all I can say is I didn’t come this far to only come this far. I have shit to say and minds to reach. I am working day in and day out to overcome my perfectionism and anxiety so I can return to Youtube as the absolute best version of myself. It will take time. It will take patience on both ends. I have to re-learn how to love myself and I’m sure some of you can relate to that. But I’m just so fucking thankful the universe gave me this job and this platform that I get to come back to when I feel ready. I know not everyone has agreed or understood why I can’t just film myself putting on makeup, but I hope this blog post has helped you realize why. When you get an illness, you take time off of work. When you get a mental illness, you should 100% do the same. It was me against myself the entire time. I don’t know exactly when, but I stopped loving myself and it crushed my spirit, crushed everything I had ever loved, including Youtube. And don’t get me started on the overwhelming amounts of guilt for not using my platform to spread the vegan message. That’s a whole other story.

Meditation, DBT skills, books, and TED talks are about the only things keeping me sane right now. I’ve had to accept the fact that I’m a work in progress and I hope everyone else can too. We’re all struggling with something. Life is fucking hard. But I’ve survived my darkest days and know that the only direction I can go from here is up and that is exciting. But I am still scuffling for stability, especially financially. I know it’s been obvious with the sporadic sponsored videos but for right now, that is just the reality of it. I need money to stay afloat just like you do, and I’m trying my best to stay true to myself in the process, but it has been very compromising. I’m still trying to figure this all out. And I appreciate those of you who are understanding and defend my integrity in those situations where it is questioned. I get it, though, and I’m going to make it up to you. It is my goal to return to my channel as a new evolved being, with a passion for makeup artistry and MANY other things. I am completely open for suggestions when it comes to future content, but I won’t be reading comments for a while until I know I can handle it. My friends and family will be reporting back to me with requests and constructive criticism so we can still stay connected.

I can’t believe I’m about to end this post when I never thought I’d see it come to completion. What a weight it was to carry. I feel so relieved and so happy to have gotten this off my chest and into the abyss of the universe. I cannot predict what this will mean or what it will do for someone, but my hope is that it is a catalyst for support, love, and positive endeavors moving forward. I will not return to social media if I cannot do it wholeheartedly. I must be unapologetically myself as I am still learning who that is, so it will be interesting haha. For the first time in a while, I am excited for the future. I hope y’all are too. Thank you immensely for your unconditional support and friendship. Despite everything, I know I am very blessed.

Thank you for reading. 

“Transformation isn't sweet or bright. It’s a dark and murky, painful pushing. An unraveling of the untruths you’ve carried in your body. A complete uprooting before becoming.” 

[northcountryradical]

On Applying Radical Love To The Revolution

“The true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love. It is impossible to think of a genuine revolutionary lacking this quality.” - Ernesto “Che” Guevara

Preface

As a Christian leftist, an Anarcho-Communist in particular, most people on both sides of my chosen ideologies will not understand or even agree with my conclusions that follow. However, I feel that I must make known my convictions, if not for the sake of the people who strive for truth and justice, but for the very least, my own sanity and easement of my extreme disappointment at the current state of our world which I so dearly love. This is not meant to be an authority on political or religious orthodoxy, as I, a human am just as fallible in my thinking as anyone else. Rather this is meant to offer a point of discussion, in hopes that honest and meaningful dialogue can inspire change from the collective desire for unity and reconciliation in this broken world. For all who read this, I offer the humblest of thanks, and the greatest desire for peace and joy within your life.

The Beauty of the Resurection

The message of Christ is one of liberation. It is a message of redemption. It is a message of hope for all who suffer under the bondage of oppression and sin. The death and resurrection of Christ put an end to spiritual death, rescuing humanity from all forms of servitude to the forces of evil that held us in darkness. 1 Corinthians 13: 54-57 states, “When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Our hope resides in the sacrifice of Christ and his utter destruction of the bonds that held us in slavery to sin and oppression. Does this signify the end of all earthly hardship? Of course not! As we can all very well observe, corruption and hatred is rampant in our society today, as it has been for thousands of years. We must seek militant struggle to end these crimes, but we must also take heart in the fact that the ultimate victory has been won.

Our Struggle

This struggle against the evil of this world has been one that has raged since the beginning of time. Men and women of all generations have attempted to break the bondage of human suffering through revolutionary acts, often creating temporary pockets of freedom and progress. As history shows, this revolutionary growth, while often very gradual has been the overriding theme of humanity as it  has developed. What I seek to show is that biblical hope is not mutually exclusive to militant revolutionary tactics in developing a better world.

A constant notion that is thrown around is that of love. We often hear that “love trumps hate,” yet in a world where violence is the exclusive weapon perpetrated against the people by the state and other reactionary, fascist forces, it is often difficult to accept such a notion that love can defeat the behemoth of the capitalist, imperialist, state apparatus. And while no true revolution can ever succeed through peaceful intentions, as our own American Revolution has taught us (however pitiful its application has been), the necessity for a loving humanity remains immensely crucial for any success to be achieved. Therefore, I would like to posit a revolutionary theory based upon the biblical notion of love.

The following will be based upon 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. This is a passage that is typically reserved for weddings, in showing how one partner should love the other. Yet I find it no less applicable now than it is in the context of marriage.

Love is patient

Many revolutionaries idealistically seek an immediate change in societal thought and action. Both Marxists and Anarchists have fought for an immediate transfer of power, whether under a transitional proletarian state or a direct democracy coinciding with the abolition of the state completely, yet these endeavors have all but failed. Many contextual circumstances have factored into these failures, however I personally believe the overriding sentiment in derailing their success has been the impatience of the people and those revolutionaries who so desperately sought to end injustice and oppression. Love is patient.  Revolution takes time and it is our duty as participants to realize that people’s hearts are not going to be changed overnight. Coercion only takes things so far and ultimately results in the kind of oppression we are fighting in the first place.

Love is kind

While it may be easy and many times necessary to fight fire with fire, we must remember as revolutionaries that our duty is to the people. Kindness to those who we may disagree with is essential for our success and survival. This does not mean that we capitulate to opposing, reactionary ideas, rather that we come along side them and bring them toward a better understanding of a grand alternative. Self defense and militancy against our oppressors is a necessity, but for the masses, even those who oppose us, kindness and grace will ultimately bear more fruit than mindless repression. We must remember that the majority of the working class is working to survive and may not have the advantage of understanding the complexities of the political realm. A little grace goes a long way in convincing people of our cause.

It does not envy

For leftists of all ideologies, this should be a no brainer. Envy is one of the main tools of capitalism that divides us as the people. Love seeks to make sure everyone is provided for, no matter their social status, race, gender etc. When we strive to acquire what we cannot or don’t have, we fall into the trap of self serving exploitation, doing whatever is necessary to gain meaningless treasures, whether they be physical goods or accolades from our peers or anything else that seeks to promote ourselves above our fellow man.

It does not boast, it is not proud

While the temptation will always exist to seek affirmation for the success of revolutionary action, we must not let ourselves become so diluted in the thought that we are the sole saviors of the revolution. In the words of Emma Goldman, “Conceit, arrogance, and egotism are the essentials of patriotism…Patriotism assumes that our globe is divided into little spots, each one surrounded by an iron gate. Those who have had the fortune of being born on some particular spot, consider themselves better, nobler, grander, more intelligent than the living beings inhabiting any other spot.” We must not fall into the arrogance of our privilege while neglecting the needs of those who struggle for survival every day. We must remember that it is ultimately the masses, the people, who take all the honor of carrying out the revolution.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking

This sentiment echoes the above statement in that by seeking reform and justice, we cannot dishonor the efforts and struggles of all people who fight for truth and integrity within the world. While there may be small, petty disagreements between revolutionaries, we are duty bound by love to hold our character intact when interacting with the people and our fellow comrades. Disunity is the knife in the back of any revolution. Self seeking behavior is counter-revolutionary and only leads to disruption and ego. This can be the difference between liberation and oppression in any struggle.

it is not easily angered

While righteous anger directed at injustice is acceptable and ultimately the backbone of any resistance movement, we must be careful to not let emotions get in the way of organized, effective action. Past actions by well intentioned revolutionaries have shown that poor tactics and planning based on emotional reactions have resulted in disastrous atrocities and unnecessary death and destruction. It is our duty to protect not only our own activists but the general population first and foremost. Misguided anger, especially within organized resistance movements can mean the difference between life and death.

it keeps no record of wrongs

This may be the most difficult concept of all to grasp as a revolutionary. As we look around the world, we can very easily see the massive amount of injustice that keeps the people in bondage. We must not ignore this! Our main duty as members of the resistance is to fight against this evil and serve the people as best we can. Yet as the masses turn from subjugation to liberation, we must look past any former indiscretions to build a better, more unified society. There will always be crimes that need to dealt with from the elites, the ruling class and counter-revolutionaries, but we must remember that ignorance is not a crime. Many of the people in this world are simply unaware of the general injustices that are holding them down. They cannot be held accountable for their blindness to the realities around them. It is our duty as revolutionaries to bring to light these crimes and take part in their suffering so that they may understand true freedom.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth

“To tell the truth is revolutionary.” - Antonio Gramsci. For far too long, our understanding of the world outside the west has been tainted by xenophobic, racist, reactionary rhetoric that much of the general populace has eagerly adopted without so much as a second thought. Truth is a scarce commodity in our age. With the state seemingly extremely content with deceiving the public outright, our objective of justice and revolutionary change is threatened dramatically. We must not let the lies of the ruling class convince us of supporting evil under the guise of patriotism, safety or worse yet, unity. Truth is our most valuable weapon against the fascist goliath that faces us. Your ignorance is their power!

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres

Our main goal as revolutionaries, as members of this resistance is to protect those who are the most marginalized. This includes POC, LGBTQ, immigrants, the poor, refugees and anyone else who is systematically oppressed by capitalism. It is our greatest responsibility! We must always trust their needs and respond to them accordingly. It is out of love that we do this! It is out of a righteous indignation that we fight for what is right! We must stay strong and always hope for a better world. “The hopeless don’t revolt, because revolution is an act of hope.” - Peter Kropotkin. We must always persevere, no matter the cost. Hasta la victoria siempre! Until victory always!

The Victory In Revolutionary Love

“We know that the road to freedom has always been stalked by death.” - Angela Davis. As a Christian, I believe that Christ’s death provided the ultimate sacrifice for liberation. Yet our earthly job is far from finished. As long as revolutionaries and ordinary people seeking justice continue to love, resist and care for one another, I truly believe that another world is possible. Our victory is already here! We only need to reach out and grasp it. The fight goes on!

In Solidarity,

C. Becker

[itssidviciousbitch]

Sexology

I've always been fixated upon the dogmatic tenets of sexuality, the studies of sexology and the findings of sexologists. Sigmund Freud — influential/historical neurologist, atheist, psychologist, sexologist — labeled the suppression of sexuality as sexual repression in which sexual expressionism is prevented because of abstinence as a blockage. With sexual repression follows self-loathing and self-hatred. Afterward, you experience the feelings of guilt and shame which then become a contribution toward your lack of self-confidence/self-esteem. The dogma of sexual repression evidently derives from cultures/societies based upon a dogma of moralism based upon the dogma of religion. Ideologies — Islamism, Christianity, Catholicism, Seventh Day Adventism, etc. — suppress any form of homoeroticism, condemning homosexuality, rejecting sexual expressionism. Freud exercised the suppression of sexual expressionism as the root for wrongdoings of civilization. The repression of premarital sex, condemning fornication, murdering victims of rape, executing homosexuals for the sole purpose of heresy, etc. It's created this structural taboo... of sexuality, naturalism, and instinct. Marriage itself controls sexuality. Bowie was one of the first defiant artists, defying the structural taboo. Freud wrote three in-depth essays about sexuality and psychosexual development. Infamous for his atheistic views, he also deemed the existence of a deity as illusory and exposed irrationalities. Omnipotence is exemplified as desired in the desperate yearning for a fatherly presence. He established psychoanalytic studies: the study of the unconscious, the studies used as methods of treatment for disorders. From birth, humans naturalistically possess a libido. This libido furthers/evolves into five stages: the oral, the anal, the phallic, the latent and the genital, deriving from something called the erogenous zone, the area in which sexual sensitivity occurs, generating sexual arousal/fantasies/orgasms. Freud suggested that sexual frustration/shame during youth causes neurosis during adulthood by imposing that neurotic behaviors are manifestations of childhood frustrations in terms of sexuality. He analyzed the behavior of children for each stage of sexual development such as the mouth during breastfeeding or the anus during the usage of a toilet for defecating. Freud innovated the psychoanalytic concept of being polymorphous perverse that unraveled the five stages of sexual/libidinal development originating from infancy. Furthermore, we're all born polymorphous perverse and sexual/genital infantilism exists solely because one pursues/explores their libido but experiences failure in achieving gratification because of societal or parental dissatisfaction, the structural taboo. he oral stage of the five stages of sexual/libidinal development (their erogenous zone being their mouth) is in infancy, the first years of birth. Infants unconsciously explore oral tendencies in their environments since neither ego nor personality has been developed so therefore everything is based upon the pleasure principle of libido exploration. The oral stage has the psychological tendency/consequence for chewing gum, biting pencils, smoking, etc. The anal stage has the psychological tendency/consequence for... being corprhorliacs or anally expulsive. The phallic stage (the erogenous zone being their genitalia) has distinctive psychological consequences/fixations for both sexes. Freud proposed a further expansion by saying males experience a form of castration anxiety and females experience... a form of penis envy. The unresolved tensions eventually manifest into homosexuality, pedophilia, and neurosis. Marquis De Sade is the historical blueprint/father for sadomasochism, atheism, and sexuality. His radical libertinism, fanatical atheism, extremist naturalism and disturbing sadomasochism during his era redefined generations and defied his generation. His philosophy remains intact with defiance. Sex magic/magick is the ritualistic, spiritualistic and ceremonial sex practice that pursues a religious intent. You channel the energy of your orgasm toward a deity... something among that practice. Occultism revolves around the ceremonial practice of sex magic/magick. Freudian studies influenced the practice in evident forms. Anton Lavey brilliantly writes the distinction between compulsion and indulgence within his philosophical novella so your narrow-minded confusion can be satisfied. The cultural history of sexology and sexuality is downright beauteous. Thus being said, eroticism shouldn't be taboo and sexuality shouldn't be shunned upon. If one yearns for self-love, one must firstly yearn for self-acceptance. If one yearns for such, one must yearn for the exploration of thyself. Traditionalism and egalitarianism promote a blockage of this exploration.