#derry aka surioch

[razorsadness]

While trawling the Chicago Bar Project website, I went down this rabbit hole which led me to a reminder of the night A. (aka Derry, aka Suirioch) and I first kissed, which was seventeen fucking years ago this month. And now I can’t stop thinking about him. One thing I often think of when I think of our whole…thing…is how, until years later when he finally told me his true feelings, I spent so much time trying to convince myself that he didn’t really care for me, he never had, he just wanted an easy fuck… Then, after I did know the extent of his feelings, I looked back on everything and went: oh. Because only an (emotional) idiot would have missed all the signs of how he really felt. Like how he found me. I may have been a fan of his band, but I wasn’t some groupie; he found my website and liked my writing and was like: hey, we should hang out. And at first he tried to couch it in things like: I’ll put you on the guest list! or You can interview the band!, but that was obviously just to mask his own insecurities. And then just everything else: the way he treated me every time we did see each other, the fact that he continued to pursue me even when we didn’t live in the same city, the things he said to me after we did finally get together… Sigh.

[from a journal entry, November 14, 2020]