#depression cw but more optimistic than my last posts

[robotslenderman]

Cleaning my room is helping with the depression. Makes me feel like my space more belongs to me and not to them.

Also. Been feeling blehhh a while over how many possessions I have. The biggest reason my room has become such a bomb site over the last few years is because I don't have space to put fuck all.

While browsing houses for sale it finally hit me why: it's bc I'm a grownass adult cramming the contents of a one bedroom apartment into one room. This isn't just my bedroom, it's also my laungry, medicine cabinet/bathroom (in terms of supplies), study/hobby room, lounge room, verandah (plants), dining room and (sometimes) my kitchen.

I've got my iron and ironing board in here, I've got all my cables in here and my over the counter meds, I keep my dog treats in here. I'm seeing photos of bedrooms where all they have in one room is a bed, night stand and wardrobe, and I've got all that plus a ton more. I've got a chest of drawers, an arm chair, a table, a bed, shelves, desk, etc etc.

If anything I've actually done really well to maximise the space I've got and I should be proud of that. I mean, shit, I've done so well on the furniture tetris front I'm pretty sure I can fit in a corner wardrobe and a dressing table and have room for more, and then I'd have more storage.

But I've decided that since I'm working full time and I'm living at home, I'm going to put every cent I've got towards a deposit and then, depending on if it's possible, try to buy a house in a cheaper city where there's still jobs. If it turns out I have too many possessions to throw out then I'll get some cheap storage, but for now I'll try to save more.

Work is winding down for Christmas so I'm going to start sending out job apps again to get a position that pays better. If I can handle it I'll get a casual Saturday job somewhere for extra cash. When I have enough saved I can start looking for a place, I'll look for remote work to help with the transition.

At least, that's the plan for now. Fact is that I don't have the cash flow to rent, not without eventually draining my savings, but if I can stick this out and save up for the house deposit I'd pay less per week and I'd have a house at the end of it. Which is super fucked up -- I can't afford to move out and rent but if I stay long enough I might be able to afford to buy a fucking house. But if I don't take advantage of this opportunity and do this now I never will be able to again.

So if I'm gonna have to put up my parents bullshit I may as well get a fucking house out of it.

[starberry-cupcake]

Free Short Stories: Aromantic Recommendations

Aro week is over but I spent it reading aro stories that are entirely accessible online (with their authors' consent) and thought I'd share some with you, as well as some extra resources. I’m going to include under “read more” content warnings and specific details, like the kind of rep included or important notes, so if you want to be sure and safe before reading them, you can click “read more” for all that information, or if you prefer just the blurb, avoid it easily enough. There you will also find the extra links of interest and other masterposts.

Edit: This post used to be split in two parts, I’ve integrated them into one whole post for everyone’s convenience. 

1. Nkásht ii by Darcie Little Badger

Josie and Annie set to investigate a strange death that may involve more than they expected. Sometimes the love that heals isn’t romantic and bonds that are strong are those chosen.

2. Hope of the Future by Elizabeth Barrette

In a fantasy setting, a human cleric finds an elf bard and a strong female dwarf, all cast aside for their identities, and create their own home and family. The same characters also appear in another poem that continued their story: The Underground Gardens.

3. Tanith’s Sky by Penny Stirling

Ash is left with the loss of Tanith, after she sacrifices herself to save the world. Tanith's memories resurface in people's minds and Ash has to navigate their identity, their memories and how to label for others’ sake their lost relationship.

4. And If The Body Were Not The Soul by A. C. Wise

Ro is a human who forms an unlikely bond with an alien refugee, discovering a different layer of proximity that doesn't chain to the type of physicality humanity sets. In that process of discovery, Ro learns about the other side of the social oppression in their own city.

5. The Crows Her Dragon’s Gate by Benjanun Sriduangkaew

An exploration of the background and re-telling of the story of the goddess Xihe. Marrying out of the obligation of customs and pressure, this story explores the feelings of Xihe, her relationship with Di Jun and the freedom she ultimately seeks.

6. The Girl Turns West by Darcie Little Badger

Another tale set in Native American culture (the author is a Lipan Apache writer), this story is about family, sacrifice and forms of non romantic love and devotion that transcend the limits of life and death.

7. Kin, Painted by Penny Stirling

The narrator can’t find a place in a family that seems so determined, so certain, painted each in a specific way. A poetic prose filled with magic and the colors that we paint ourselves with, which can sometimes change with time.

8. Cucumber by Penny Stirling

A queerplatonic couple in a fantasy setting deals with social pressure in a story written in poetic verse.

9. The Famine King by Darcie Little Badger

A woman is chased by fear, memories and a being that affects her relationship with her own identity and mental health, while finding refuge in a found family. These characters are also included in a previous story called To Sleep.

10. How My Best Friend Rania Crashed A Party And Saved The World by Ada Hoffman

Emma, a Relator, finds out that her best friend Rania, a World Saver, is being used by her boyfriend and can lose her credibility as a Hero for it, so she enlists a tech-savvy Number Fiend, Deborah, to crash a high school party in a forbidden sector to confront the guy.

11. Unlike Most Tides by Darcie Little Badger

Mathilda is in peace with her solitude until she communicates with energy beyond her understanding and finds the voice of a murdered woman who asks her for help to deal with her killer: her ex boyfriend.

Content Warnings and Extra Details

1. Nkásht íí by Darcie Little Badger

Details: urban fantasy, folklore, suspense, aromantic lead character, main platonic relationship between female characters. CW: minor characters deaths, accidents, the death of a child is mentioned, domestic abuse in flashbacks.

2. Hope for the Future by Elizabeth Barrette

Details: aroace male lead in a poly relationship with a female and male character, fantasy, story in poetry, happy ending. CW: arophobia and acephobia, family abandonment.

3. Tanith’s Sky by Penny Stirling

Details: fantasy, sci fi, drama, hurt/comfort. Main qp relationship between an aroace cis female lead and a non binary allo lead. The aroace lead is dead by the start of the story, which I had my hesitation about, but the story does a wonderful job capturing Tanith’s life in an aftermath of what would be another untold story, as well as Ash’s identity and their relationship, as well as the process of grief and moving forward. CW: major character death, grief, depression, transphobia, arophobia and acephobia.

4. And If The Body Were Not The Soul by A. C. Wise

Details: explicitly touch-averse asexual non binary lead, very likely aromantic (expressed but not named in the text), sci fi, social strife, hurt/comfort, found family and friendship (nb and cis female, nb and alien friendships). Many commenters have expressed that Ro is potentially an autistic character, some autistic authors and reviewers have agreed or disagreed but I couldn’t find whether the author stated that at any point. CW: mild depictions of violence, xenophobia, social issues and unrest, happy ending.

5. The Crows Her Dragon’s Gate by Benjanun Sriduangkaew

Details: the goddess Xihe is depicted as aroace yet marries the god Di Jun for a time in which she lives troubled. Fantasy, mythology, re-interpretations, angst with a happy ending. CW: internalized acephobia and arophobia, dubious consent, violence, animal death, toxic marriage, there is a side wlw couple of mortals who die.

6. The Girl Turns West by Darcie Little Badger

Details: there isn’t romance in the story, the lead character doesn’t seemingly have romance in the future and there is a side female character who explicitly rejects suitors and prefers to live independently yet with her family. Considering that the author has written several aroace characters, I decided to include this one and another story in Part 2 as strong potentials (there is another story by the same author that other sites recommend as aro-representative, but I think these two are a lot less vague). Fantasy, mythology, folklore, bittersweet ending. CW: death mentions, wounds and accidents, blood mentions.

7. Kin, Painted by Penny Stirling

Details: poetic prose, fantasy, aromantic lead character, trans male character, non binary characters.

8. Cucumber by Penny Stirling

Details: fiction in poetry form, queerplatonic relationship in a fantasy setting. CW: arophobia and acephobia, social pressure.

9. The Famine King by Darcie Little Badger

Details: mystery, suspense, horror, folklore, hurt/comfort, angst w/optimistic ending, explicit non romantic & non sexual main relationship between to female characters. CW: blood, wounds, cannibalism mentions, mental illness with hallucination episodes, racism.

10. How My Best Friend Rania Crashed A Party And Saved The World by Ada Hoffman.

Details: high school setting, uplifting, sci fi, aroace lead character in a friendship with a heterosexual girl and a bisexual girl. CW: arophobia by the best friend, which is not confronted or discussed, mentions of racism. Notes: I read this story for the Pride list last year and I didn't include it because I had a bone to pick with Rania's character. The story is fun, a lot more lighthearted than many of the ones here and has a distinct tone that makes it good to include, plus Emma (the lead) is a very friendly, social and well-liked person, rather than the traditional robot/alien foil aro, ace and aroace characters tend to receive. So, even if I'm still uneasy about Rania and how her bad attitude is not acknowledged in the story, I’m still including it for all its perks.

11. Unlike Most Tides by Darcie Little Badger

Details: there is a protagonist who prefers to live in solitude and speaks about it and about her favorable feelings towards it. It isn’t explicitly stated that she is aromantic but, much like The Girl Turns West in Part 1, I’d say it’s a good addition to the list, though it's probably the least explicit of the bunch. Mystery, supernatural, sci fi, suspense, positive ending. CW: murder, corpses, side character death, blood, femicide.

Other masterposts:

@coolcurrybooks's first and second masterpost I consulted

Penny Stirling's recommendation list

LGBTQReads recommendations list

Claudie Arsenault recommendation list

Aro and Ace character database

Aroaessidhe recommendations list

YA Pride masterlist

My own LGBTQ+ free short stories rec list from last year, some of these stories are in it but the majority is not

[gureishi]

Hi hello hi.

I’ve got a bunch of wonderful prompts sitting in my inbox but I was feeling anxious af yesterday and today I had to go to a freakin Zoom funeral and my anxiety brain instead spewed out...this.

I was watching a playthrough of the Forgive ending to try and sort out the timeline for the Jihyun request I’m writing (which I should be posting tomorrow~ <3) and then I started thinking about the disturbing little hints that are in there about depressed Saeyoung and alcohol, and then my anxiety said I needed to write about it. So I transposed that thought into another timeline so my boy could have an mc cause god knows otherwise it would get way worse.

I know alcohol is a really sensitive topic when it pertains to the Choi twins because of their trauma relating specifically to alcohol and alcoholism. To be super super clear, drinking can be fine and okay and not harmful for lots of people, but that’s not the type of drinking I’m portraying here. 

YEESH, I’ll stop rambling. Cw for alcohol abuse; if Saeyoung drinking alcohol is gonna be triggering for you please skip this one. Take care of yourself I love you <3

wanna be ok

The bunker is dark when you get home, and that is your first sign that something is wrong. 

You’re off work a little early, and you fully expected to find the house bright and full of energy. Usually at this time, there would be at least one brother in the living room. There’d be a half-built robot croaking gibberish in a corner or an inexplicable mess from some overly enthusiastic project in the hall.

But when the door slides open (greeting you by name, of course), you’re met with darkness and a startling, eerie quiet. Could they both have fallen asleep…? You check your watch. It’s just after nine.

“Saeyoung…?” You slip off your shoes, calling quietly in case he really is asleep. He hasn’t been sleeping much since his father’s investigation began, waking up at night and pacing the house. Sometimes he does fall asleep at the computer, even these days…

No answer. You peek into the darkened living room. Nothing. No light from his office or the bedroom, either.

You hear a noise and spin, senses on high alert. All your instincts telling you that something is certainly off, you peer warily around the corner.

He’s in the kitchen.

“Babe?”

He’s perched precariously on one of the tall stools at the kitchen island. His arms are everywhere, splayed over the scrubbed wood; he’s slumped over, head in the crook of his elbow. His hair is mussed as though he’s been running his hands through it.

None of this surprises you too much—it’s much a difficult few days. But what does startle you is the stale, harsh smell in the air. There’s a bottle on the counter that looks suspiciously like…

Dread settles in your stomach like hot lead.

You call his name again, some foolishly optimistic part of your mind hopeful that this is an off-color prank. But this isn’t the kind of thing he jokes about.

At the sound of his name, he stirs, lifts his head. As he does, he slips to the side, almost falling off the stool—catching himself at the last minute on the island.

He blinks at you blearily, as if he’s trying to get you into focus, and you know in that moment that he’s not messing with you.

“Hiii, babe,” he slurs, his voice thick. He tries to say your name, stumbles over it. Laughs at himself.

“Honey.” You approach him cautiously. Closer up, the smell is unmistakable—it’s whiskey, mingling with his natural spicy-sweet scent in a way that you find particularly unsettling. “What did you do?”

He tries to spin around in the stool to face you and nearly falls again—you have to reach out an arm to grab him. He gazes at you dizzily, his eyes glazed over.

“Wha’ d’you mean?” he mumbles, his words running together. He sways dangerously on the stool and you put a hand on his shoulder, bracing him. Out of the corner of your eye, you peer at the bottle beside him—it’s one you’d gotten as a gift ages ago and put away in a closet. It’s more than half empty.

“Baby, why did you drink that?” You shift, taking his face in both your hands; he’s unstable again without your hand on his shoulder. You turn him, make him look you in the eye—and he tries, he tries, but his gaze slides over your face as though he can’t quite focus on it.

“You’re pretty,” he sings, and he leans forward as if to kiss you—and misses, his head falling onto your shoulder. “Missed,” he says, giggling. His hands reach clumsily for your waist.

It would be almost cute, you think, under other circumstances. If it weren’t Saeyoung, who doesn’t drink alcohol. Who’s promised himself never to drink alcohol—and for good reason.

He presses his lips against your neck, tilting sideways as he does so. Okay. Okay. One thing at a time. You know how to deal with drunk people, under normal circumstances. Just pretend it’s not Saeyoung. Just for now.

“Come with me, baby,” you say, expertly evading his grasp and offering him both your hands. “Let’s go sit somewhere a little more comfy, okay?”

“Don’wanna,” he mumbles, titling to the right. “Comfy here.”

“You’ll be comfier on the couch, I promise.” You keep your voice light. Taking both his hands, you give a gentle tug, and he obliges you, sliding off the stool without any of his usual grace or agility. He sways as he lands on his feet and you brace him with both hands again, waiting till his gaze clears. 

You lead him to the living room and he comes obediently, albeit stumblingly.

“…m’too drunk for this,” he mutters, laughing at himself as he narrowly avoids running face-first into the door frame.

“Too drunk to walk to the living room?” You guide him more carefully now. Most people would be well and truly messed up from the amount that he drank—based on your cursory assessment of the kitchen, anyway. For him—someone who has, to your knowledge, quite literally never consumed alcohol before—it’s astonishing he’s even still conscious.

You steer him to the couch. He hesitates and you turn to him—his face has gone pale, and he claps a hand over his mouth.

“M’gonna…never mind.” He shuts his eyes.

With some difficulty, you get him onto the couch. He slides sideways immediately and you slip a pillow under his head. He smiles a sloppy, lopsided grin.

“…galaxy,” he murmurs, sinking heavily into the pillow. You don’t question it.

Confident that he’s not going anywhere, you make your way back to the kitchen, fill a big glass with water. Now that you’re alone, your hands are shaking.

It’s not the end of the world to get drunk, but it’s certainly less than great to do it alone. It’s worse, though, so much worse, because it’s him—because of the promise he made to himself, because of the memories of his mother’s violence, because of the fear you know he has of those same genes manifesting in him.

You know that the last few days have been difficult, that the trial’s brought up memories he’d long repressed. But you wouldn’t ever have anticipated…this.

What could possibly have happened?

You take in the havoc in the kitchen: in addition to the whiskey bottle, there’s a glass knocked over on its side as well as the usual debris from chips and other junk food. One of the stools is on the ground.

And where, you think suddenly, is Saeran?

You take a deep, steadying breath—care now, you remind yourself. Figure out the rest later.

When you return to the living room with the water, he’s crying. 

His eyes are shut tight and he’s wrapped both arms around the pillow; there are tear tracks on his cheeks and as you approach he lets out a quiet, pitiful sob.

“Sweetheart…” You kneel beside him and he wriggles toward you like a wounded animal. You bring a hand to his face and wipe away the tears and he clumsily throws out one arm and dangles it over your body.

“Drink a little bit of this, please, love.” You tilt the cup toward his mouth and he opens his lips the tiniest bit. You get a little water in him; most of it ends up on the couch.

“…still hates me,” he mutters, pushing aside the cup, nuzzling his face into your chest. You stroke his messy, tangled hair with your free hand, pulling it off his forehead.

“Who does, baby?” 

“Saeran…does.”

You run your fingers over his feverish skin; his cheeks are flushed and his forehead is warm to the touch.

“Saeran doesn’t hate you, honey. I promise he doesn’t.” You try again with the water. It’s a little more successful this time.

“Does. We hadda…fight,” he slurs. “Gotta…find’m.” Defying all logic, he tries to sit up again, using your shoulders for leverage. Even in this state, he’s stubborn as hell.

“Where is he?” you ask, not sure if Saeyoung will even be able to tell you. You help him wriggle into a sitting position, thinking it’s perhaps safer than lying down after all.

“Walk,” he murmurs. He’s trying to look at you again, his eyes wandering over your face. “Babe! Your face’s…blurry.”

You sigh. It’s not out of the ordinary Saeyoung to push Saeran too far, or for Saeran to snap at him and go for a walk to clear his head. You wonder if the confluence of circumstances—the trial, both twins’ tensions running extra high, the memories Saeyoung associates with his family and raised voices and a dark, empty house—led to this turn of events.

One of the cameras near the door flickers to life—someone’s coming into the garage. You sit up stick straight. Saeran was just on a walk—he couldn’t have gone far. Which means…

“Baby, I’m so sorry, but I need you to move again.”

He groans and mutters something you don’t understand, but you have no time to waste. Glad you’ve already got him sitting, you slide your hands under both his arms and pull. He sags like a rag doll, but he doesn’t weigh a lot, and you’re strong—you tug him to a standing position and he sways dangerously in place, his face pale again.

“Can’t,” he moans, and you don’t have time to pity him. You simply can’t risk the consequences—for both brothers—of Saeran finding him like this.

“C’mon, sweetheart, please try to walk. For me.” You kiss him firmly on the cheek and he perks up a little, reaching for you. You take both his hands again and walk backwards, guiding him to the bedroom.

“No more…” he moans, but you get him down the hall and into the room, giving the corners a wider berth this time.

Panting, you deposit him on the bed.

“…spinning,” he mutters, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. 

“I swear I will be right back,” you gasp, and you run from the room before he can respond. You sprint to the kitchen, sweep the whiskey bottle into the cabinet under the sink. You dump the glass and throw it under there too for good measure. You right the stool, leaving the chips bags—that’s normal enough. 

But the smell…

You hastily grab your bag, which you’d dropped on the floor earlier when you’d found him here—pull out the little bottle of perfume you carry, spritz it liberally over the kitchen island. You inhale. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than nothing.

You throw open the big window over the sink and, bag under your arm, slink back to your bedroom. As the bedroom door is shutting behind you, you hear the security system beeping, the front door sliding open. Just in time.

You spin around. Now where is…?

A soft moan from the en suite bathroom answers your question. You peer through the dark—sure enough, he’s sprawled on the ground, head bent over the toilet. The fact that he’s managed to drag himself there is impressive. You sigh—this was inevitable and is probably for the best.

You sit with him there for a long time: pressing a cool, wet washcloth to his head, plying him with tiny sips of water when you can. He apologizes to you again and again in a raw, miserable voice; you stroke his hair and rub his back and promise him that he’s going to be okay.

Eventually he slumps into your lap and, almost incoherently, whispers the word “bed.” So you hoist him up again, arms around his torso; he tries valiantly to help you, stumbling through the doorway, over the carpeted floor. You guide him onto the bed and he practically melts into it, his breathing immediately slowing, deepening.

You get him as comfortable as you can—wresting his jeans off and casting them aside, tucking the blankets all the way around him. He murmurs groggily as you press a soft kiss to his forehead and then he’s out, chest moving slowly up and down, face peaceful.

You’d never know, you think.

You retrieve his glasses from the bathroom floor, fold them neatly on the bedside table. And then, steeling yourself, you slip through the bedroom door as quietly as you can, tiptoe down the hall. As you’d suspected, Saeran is still in the living room.

“Hey,” he says, lifting his eyes from the book he’s reading. He’s draped over the couch, white hair tousled. He’s turned on a lamp—the dim light illuminates the red roots that are just starting to grow in.

“Hi,” you say. For something to do, you fetch the cup of water you’d left on the floor earlier. Saeran doesn’t bat an eyelash.

“We had a fight,” he offers, unprompted. He drums his fingers on his book—the same nervous habit his brother has. “Did he tell you?”

“Um…sort of.” You put the cup on a side table. Nervously straighten one of the fluffy throw blankets.

“I was mean,” Saeran says bluntly. “I shouldn’t have been.”

You perch on the arm of the couch. Once, he would have flinched away from you; now, he watches you impassively, green eyes unreadable.

“Was it about the trial?” you ask, with some hesitation.

Saeran shrugs. “I guess. He keeps all the TVs in the house on all day. I can’t stand hearing our father’s voice anymore.”

“Right.” You know this—know that the ongoing trial is wearing on them both, know that they’re coping in their own ways.

“Is he…” Saeran looks down and back up at you; his eyes are bright. “Is he mad?”

You take a shaky breath. “No,” you say honestly. “But he feels bad that you fought.”

“Should I talk to him?”

He is still looking at you. You’re surprised—he’s never asked you for advice before.

“Maybe in the morning,” you say, perhaps a little too firmly—but Saeran is unfazed.

“I get it,” he says. “I’m gonna go back to reading now.”

You smile, grateful as always for Saeran’s manner. There’s no risk of overstaying your welcome, because he’ll always tell you when he’s done.

“Good night,” you say. He looks up at you again, gives you a tiny smile.

“Night.”

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

You wake abruptly the next morning. Through the haze of half-dream, half-wakefulness, you hear an intrusive rustling sound—then clunk. Clunk. Clunk. Your eyes shoot open.

“Saeyoung…?” you murmur, the events of the previous night momentarily evading you. You blink the sleep out of your eyes, see a blur of red hair in your peripheral vision.

He’s…cleaning?

“Oh god.” His golden eyes go huge with panic as he sees that you’re awake. He drops the mop (why was it clunking?) and throws himself onto the bed, kneeling beside you. “Hi. Good morning. Um. I am. So, so, so, so, so, so, so sorry. I mean, I—uh. Gah. I practiced this. Hang on—”

“Shhh.” You put a finger to his lips, pushing yourself up in bed. He sits back on his heels like a guilty puppy, eyes huge, waiting for a scolding. “So you remember last night, huh?”

His cheeks match his hair. He lowers his gaze.

“I am so, so, so, so…”

“Hush.” You take his face in both hands again, just as you’d done the night before. Tilt it up, forcing him to meet your eyes. “You don’t need to apologize to me. But I would like to know how it happened.”

He hangs his head, one red curl falling into his eyes. You brush it away.

“I don’t know,” he mutters. “You know I’ve never done that before. Right?”

“Yes, I know.” You slip out of the blankets and sit cross-legged, facing him. “Do you remember why you did it? Why you went looking for the whiskey that I didn’t even think you knew was in the storage closet?”

“I’d known where it was for a while,” he says softly, shamefully. “I found it one day when I was looking for an old hard drive and I guess I thought, wow, glad I know that’s there in case I ever lose my mind.” 

This surprises you. You didn’t know he’d ever give it any thought at all.

“I wasn’t seriously thinking I was gonna drink it!” he says hurriedly, his cheeks growing—if it were possible—redder. “It was like a…weird, bad joke. Like, haha, what a great way to escape my mind if I ever hate myself that much. I…dunno.”

You make yourself take a deep breath. You hate it when he says things like this. “Okay, fine. So why did you…?”

“I fought with Saeran,” he says, still looking down. He twiddles his hands in his lap, fiddles with the blanket. “It was stupid. We were just tense about the trial. And then he left, and it got dark, and I was alone, and I just couldn’t…stop thinking about her.”

“Your mother.”

“Yeah.”

He taps a pattern on his thigh, too fast, too hard. You take his hand, wrapping up his fingers in yours. He shoots you a grateful glance.

“It’s hard to explain,” he mutters. “It was like I was possessed. It was this feeling, like if I could…get inside her head somehow, I’d understand.”

“Understand what?” You realize you’re squeezing his hand too hard and you make a conscious effort to loosen your grip.

“Why she didn’t love us,” he says simply. You look up; there are tears in his eyes again. Automatically you reach for him, catching a tear on your fingertip. You kiss it away.

“Did you?” you ask quietly. Slowly, he shakes his head.

“I don’t think I ever will.”

“Oh, Saeyoung…” You hold open your arms for him and he bows his head, falling into you. You cradle his head against your chest, kiss the tears from his eyelashes.

“I don’t deserve you,” he whispers.

“You are a wonderful man, and you deserve the world,” you say firmly. You wrap your arms all the way around his waist and squeeze him tight and he exhales, like he’s letting out breath he’s been holding for a long time.

“I’ll never do it again,” he says, his voice muffled by your shirt. “I promise. I mean it.”

You thoughtfully run your fingers through his curls, de-tangling them, pulling them apart one by one. “Can I ask you something I’ve asked you before?” you say tentatively. He nods; you can feel it. “Would it be okay if I just…got some names? My therapist offered to make a list for you before, you know, and you don’t need to commit to anything, but I just—”

“Yes.” He pulls back enough to peer up at you. There are tear tracks on his cheeks again but his expression is sure. “I’d like that.”

His eagerness takes you by surprise. You smile and kiss the tip of his nose.

“Thank you.”

He leans his forehead against yours. “I’m meant to be the one thanking you. You shouldn’t have had to take care of me last night. You should’ve just left me there.”

“Never.” You take a deep breath and he breathes with you, exhaling against your lips, tickling you. “Now would you please explain to me what the hell you were doing that woke me up this morning?”

He giggles, a little guiltily—still, you’re relieved to hear him laugh. “I felt like crap, both physically and emotionally. I thought I could start apologizing by…”

“Slamming the mop against the wall?”

“I don’t…actually know how to use a mop.”

That makes you laugh, and it feels good, like a release. You wrap your arms around his neck and he sighs against you.

“You’re gonna be okay?” you whisper. He nods, gazing at you reverently.

“Because of you,” he says. He strokes your hair with his long, thin fingers—cautiously, gently, like he needs reassurance that you’re still there. “I’m gonna be okay.”

[btvs]

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s Diagnosis

I wrote this essay as a final for my University Seminar writing class. I thought I would share it since a good amount of my followers watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, have BPD, or would be interested in the topics. I discuss the representation of BPD in television and how the show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is able to portray a borderline character while destigmatizing the disorder. It’s under a read more because I have no other way of posting it. Feel free to reblog/share!

Mental illness is misrepresented in the media, especially personality disorders, which are so stigmatized that they are mostly shown as villainous. Personality disorders are actually fairly common, but a lot of people do not know that because they only have an image of a movie villain in their mind when they think of a personality disorder. A lot of neurotypical people are starting to understand depression and anxiety through the media, but the media still has a lot to work on when portraying more complex disorders, for example, Borderline Personality Disorder. Simplified, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a disorder characterized by unstable emotions and relationships.

Multiple movies and television shows have portrayed characters with BPD, but do not always directly state their disorder. One television show with a diagnosed borderline character is The CW’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. The main character, Rebecca Bunch, acts in ways that are extreme, but are also relatable to people without BPD. In one scene of the show, Rebecca’s therapist lists off the BPD symptoms to her: severe mood swings, profound fear of abandonment, instability in relationships, unstable sense of identity, paranoia or dissociative episodes, excessive and frequent anger, feelings of emptiness, impulsive behavior, and recurring suicide threats or attempts - all previously shown throughout the show. Does Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s portrayal of Borderline Personality Disorder help reduce stigma and promote awareness in the media?

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is a television show that helps destigmatize BPD. People can relate to and sympathize with Rebecca before they know about her diagnosis. Since she gets diagnosed so late into the show, people already are familiar with her character and like her. That way the viewer will learn and understand what it is like to live with BPD and not judge after she gets diagnosed. It also makes the disorder seem less abstract and different. A lot of the things Rebecca goes through are common experiences that many people can relate to (THR, 2018).

Despite the misleading title, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend deconstructs the sexist term and expands on many real life topics. One of the main topics of the show is mental illness. The media has a problem of portraying mental illness negatively, which highly impacts viewers�� opinions about mental health. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s portrayal of BPD is extremely important and a huge step to improving the media’s portrayal of mental illness. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is a positive, destigmatized representation of BPD, because it helps people with BPD, people who do not know a lot about BPD, and people who have the wrong idea about BPD.

A label of a mental illness can be both beneficial and unhelpful for the person who is diagnosed. The author of “A diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. who am I? who could I have been? who can I become?” writes that they have been on a path of survival rather than living since they did not have the support they needed. Although there are a lot of questions that come with a BPD diagnosis, it is good to stay hopeful (H, 2018). The question of if the label is helpful or not is irrelevant when discussing representation in the media. People want to see characters who deal with the same things they deal with, whether it is a “good” or a “bad” thing. This relates to the stigma of mental illness in television and the media in general. There are more efforts being made to reduce stigma recently in the media, and the best thing to do is stay optimistic (Robbins, 2015). Crazy Ex-Girlfriend helps people with Borderline Personality Disorder realize that they are not alone, and their disorder does not make them inherently bad.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is helpful to people who have BPD. Seeing representation of one’s own mental illness portrayed well in the media is validating, because it helps that person know that they are not alone. In the case of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s portrayal, the character with BPD is still seen as human. It is also good for people with BPD to relate to a character and see their own experiences in that character, even if the character is not one that people should look up to or aspire to be. It is especially important to also see a character get help with their illness.

Another viewpoint that the media can contribute to is recovery from mental illness. According to the article, “Staff perceptions of borderline personality disorder and recovery,” there was a study of different recovery types and which ones therapists think work best. The two types discussed are therapy directed at BPD-specific behaviors and therapy for general wellbeing. The findings of the study noted that different patients had different needs, even with the same disorder (Dean, Siddiqui, Beesley, Fox, Berry, 2018). The media is essential to this point because by showing many portrayals of BPD, viewers can learn that mental illness takes different forms and people with the same disorder can show different symptoms. In that study, the sample of people working with BPD patients was not broad enough, although there were a number of diverse opinions. Generally, the population believed that social functioning was not a necessary aspect of recovery, for example, a patient with BPD could be technically recovered despite being impaired in work and/or school. However, showing success in those areas does not indicate that the person is not suffering from a mental disorder. Rebecca from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is an extremely successful lawyer, but has severe issues with relationships, especially romantic relationships. Showing recovery in television is also important, because people need to know there is hope and a solution to suffering from a disorder. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend has multiple episodes showing Rebecca at therapy and learning new skills to help her recover. In other television series, many characters’ mental illness goes away within a few episodes of their diagnosis (Gillespie, 2018). People suffering from BPD can watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and relate to the recovery process since their disorder is more persistent than other forms of media make it out to be.

A character’s personality and mental health diagnosis can change the way that a viewer feels about the character. In Villarreal’s peer-reviewed article “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend creators weigh in on the exploration of Rebecca’s mental health”, the creators discuss how mental health in regards to romantic relationships in television is ignored and viewers, without thinking, will forgive toxic characters more easily if they are in love. It was extremely important to give this character a diagnosis to understand some of her unhealthy behaviors. This will result in viewers without BPD becoming less attached to her, as well as understanding relationships in a different way. Although this interview mentions that the point of the show’s diagnosis is to make viewers less attached, it is not meant to scare people away (Villarreal, 2017). The creators of the show want people to realize that mental illness is not an excuse. This is different from many sources of media, which make mental illness seem like an excuse for the characters’ unhealthy behaviors. By showing that mental illness is not an excuse for an action, people without BPD can understand that it is not just a cause of a mistake that happens once.

Although Rebecca has been manipulative and made some terrible choices throughout the whole show, she is portrayed as a person and not just her illness. The show has combated the stereotype that mentally ill people are abusive. Rebecca has not been a completely good person, but nobody really is a good person, and that is the point of the show. Her illness did not make her do those bad things; she did them. She admits during the last episode of the third season that she is not her disorder, and she is not insane. She takes full responsibility for her actions after two and a half seasons of thinking she did nothing wrong.

Characters in other television shows or movies who have BPD are usually undiagnosed and are the villain of the show. This is not a good example for people watching who have never heard of BPD because then they will associate those symptoms and behaviors with those villain characters. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend may be the first portrayal of BPD in the media that does not assume the character as the villain or an abusive person. Rebecca is definitely an anti-hero, but she usually has good intentions in her eyes. By putting Rebecca’s actions in context and thinking about it from her perspective, it is clear that the show does not add to the stigma, it in fact makes it understandable why Rebecca would do some of the things she has done (Vicky, 2018). Rebecca helps people understand what it’s really like to have BPD, and that humans make mistakes, even though mental illness is still not an excuse.

In the article “does television influence adolescents’ perceptions of and attitudes toward people with mental illness?”, the authors address the stigma around mental illness shown in television and see how people view mental illness from watching television. They think that these television shows will cause people to have a certain opinion. This is because viewing television causes people to subconsciously change their opinion because of the direct experience, especially if they do not have personal experiences with mental illness (Minnebo & Van Acker, 2004). This could just be a correlation, but knowing that a lot of people get other opinions from television and the media, this is a logical hypothesis. The way that Crazy Ex-Girlfriend addresses mental illness is easy for viewers to understand, since the character does not even know what BPD is until she gets diagnosed with it in season three.

Although some of these sources address different views of characters with a mental health condition - Villarreal’s interview addressing how people forgive the mentally ill character and Minnebo and Van Acker’s article addressing the stigma against mentally ill characters - both believe that the media needs to strive towards a middle point. People should be able to have a neutral opinion towards these characters, the character’s disorder should not excuse their actions, and the television show or movie should not portray the disorder in a negative light. This will destigmatize mental illness by combating stereotypes that already exist in the media. Reviews of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend made the point that the show already does a good job with portraying BPD. The co-creators of the show believe that it is important that people do not connect with Rebecca, which although it seems like it would not help people without BPD understand the disorder, their point makes sense considering that a lot of Rebecca’s actions are bad. In a later interview, co-creator Rachel Bloom discussed how people should be able to relate to Rebecca enough to understand her, but still be able to see how extreme her actions are (THR, 2018). Bloom may be contradicting herself, but the show’s message is very complex and multidimensional. Overall, these sources are positive towards the representation of BPD in the media and in general. Most sources are pro-recovery, meaning that although a person or character may have BPD, they should be encouraged to recover from unhealthy patterns of behavior.

Hopefully, by watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, people will understand the importance of recovery, mental health representation, and stigma in media as well as understand Borderline Personality Disorder in a more objective way. The more people watch the show, the more likely it is that someone will be inspired to make a show or movie with a borderline character. The more representation people see, the more likely they are to understand their friends and peers. Representation in one show or movie can make a huge difference to the media and society as a whole.

References

Dean, R., Siddiqui, S., Beesley, F., Fox, J., & Berry, K. (2018). Staff perceptions of borderline personality disorder and recovery: A q‐sort method approach. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12180

Gillespie, C. (2018 February 15). ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’ Succeeds in Portraying Mental Illness Where So Many Other TV Shows Have Failed [Article]. Retrieved from https://www.self.com/story/crazy-ex-girlfriend-portraying-mental-illness

H, G. (2018). A diagnosis of "borderline personality disorder" who am I? who could I have been? who can I become? Psychosis, 10(1), 70-75. doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/17522439.2018.1431691

Minnebo, J., & Van Acker, A. (2004). Does television influence adolescents' perceptions of and attitudes toward people with mental illness? Journal of Community Psychology, 32(3), 257-275. http://dx.doi.org/10.1002/jcop.20001

Robbins, A. E. (2015). A role for media in reducing the stigma of mental illness (Order No. 3700920). Available from ProQuest Central. (1680594008). Retrieved from https://login.glacier.sou.edu/login?url=https://search.proquest.com/docview/1680594008?accountid=26242

T. (2018, June 04). Rachel Bloom Teases 'Crazy Ex-Girlfriend's' Final Season | In Studio With THR. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUCBy1gz6UQ

V. (2018 April 29). Why Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s ‘Nathaniel is Irrelevant’ Was Incredibly Important in Relation to BPD [Blog post]. Retrieved from http://figuringmeout.co.uk/cxg-2

Villarreal, Y. (2017). 'Crazy ex-girlfriend' creators weigh in on the exploration of Rebecca's mental health. https://search.proquest.com/docview/1974584894/AF58C64E17A94028PQ/2?accountid=26242

[mdhwrites]

Lost Love, Lost Year?

CW: Depression/Anxiety/Suicide I saw someone talking about how a show had managed to pull them out of a dark place and given them new energy and it reminded me of last year and especially last summer. The year where I spent a Summer helping fix up my parent’s house for my sister’s wedding. The year where I wrote somewhere close to FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND WORDS, three hundred thousand of went to a single story. Where at one point I was writing 2-5 chapters a day because I couldn’t stop being motivated to type. Where I was putting down Stellaris because one more turn was too long before getting back to creation. The year I fell in love with The Owl House. Late March I listened to “Little Miss Perfect” for the first time and found THE animatic that everyone knows (even if its creator effectively disowned it). It reintroduced me to Lumity and I started seeking out more. Comic compilations, art, and even considered writing some myself despite having not done fanfiction in over a year. Then I finished Season 1 and the questions I had INVIGORATED ME. Literally the first chapter of my behemoth of a first TOH fic, The Power of Love, was motivated by me wondering how the hell Luz’s magic was so strong in the finale and finding a fun, whimsical answer that fed into shipping possibilities and it just exploded from there. It was easily the most productive I had ever been. That first month included a minimum of 200k words written between one offs for TOH and Amphibia but most PoL. I loved what I was writing so much that I even started seeing if I could take those concepts and turn them into an original creation which is what eventually became “Little Miss Rich Witch” which was even named after the song that got me into the fandom. I even published the first two chapters to PoL just to share with them and to sneak peak at what I might be working on behind the scenes. A moment that led to one of the most sincerely suicidal moments of my life. Where I spent at least an hour just staring at a river, unable to think or feel much of anything as my legs both wanted to go and yet never move. A night I still can’t say much more about than this, even a year and a half later. But I didn’t blame people for their disinterest. I instead took down the chapters and moved on. I was still passionate and pretty much didn’t slow on my content creation for the story. It was still updating every day at that point I believe and I was still writing almost every day. Season 2 was also just around the corner and I was willing to be optimistic about Amazon’s new serialized storytelling platform, Kindle Vella. I would even go on to pour almost two thousand dollars of my savings into fanartists to get the promotional art that might make Little Miss Rich Witch be able to be seen this time and on a new platform to help me maybe finally find success as a writer, even while I continued TOH fiction. But then Vella was just... A failure. And the majority of artists I commissioned simply never posted the pictures. And all the while, I found myself seeing cracks and fissions within the show I loved. I started forming questions that weren’t met by possibilities but by simple laziness and plotholes, even before the half of the season affected by the shortening would arrive. And around that time is probably when I slowed down. When I started putting things on hiatus because I simply couldn’t keep up with any of my projects. All the ambition and confidence I used to have turned to ash. Turned to sludge that continued to try and pull me down. I didn’t stop creating, not entirely, but it became more sporadic. More of a shotgun than a focused stream until my serials were no longer updating, neither for my original works or my fanfiction. And with S2B and the new year, it really just got worse. Even shorter stories were harder for me to work on. What took two months or so to make (The Blight’s Ruff Secret/Their Ruff Secrets) now took half a year (Crises Girlfriends). The serials I knew were better for me, that gave me some of the validation I needed, continued/continue to sit abandoned, even after when they were supposed to stop being on hiatus. Focusing on them just hurt. Just like focusing on the show and trying to be happy with everyone else was. My mind was swiftly growing to hate the show, not helped by the fandom, who I was fully entrenched in now, having decided to claim I was a bigot and a pedophile for aged up fiction I wrote and the fact that I dared include sapphics in my original projects while being a straight white guy. Not even saying how my representation was bad, just that it was inherently immoral because of what I was. And all the while, my depression became ever more crushing. Where a year before, I could see my parents at least once a week and spend the whole day helping them, I would struggle against my anxiety to just go see them. Nowadays, I struggle to even go for a morning walk with them. The socializing on Twitter I’d done to try and make friends is no longer something I can do as even leaving comments can feel like a chore now when before I was happy to brighten anyone’s day with a headcanon about their piece or just telling them how wonderful it was. The confidence that told me I could work on multiple projects is now just a false nectar brought about by a manic phase that not even my psychiatrist will believe me about despite me having been diagnosed with bipolar for years.

I just... Plenty of the past year going wrong could just be my illnesses or the problems with the world at large but I can’t help but wonder how much losing TOH made me lose a part of myself. Where my joke of “If being analytical of literally everything you watch sounds like a terrible way to enjoy anything, you’re right” is actually robbing me of ANY sort of happiness. I don’t know. Even now my brain tells me I’m being dramatic. That I’m just a failure who had a couple good months when he’s used to only having bad ones. That if this could be the solution, I need to stop being such an asshole even as it itself won’t shut up and demand I think more about it all. And besides, if losing one hyper fixation ripped this much strength from me, what will happen when I lose the next one?