#depression and writers block is kicking my arse

[room-on-broom]

I can't upload videos to tiktok. tumblr won't let make posts with photos or pictures in. I seem to have been shadowbanned or something on Instagram . What the fuck whereabouts I meant to post my illustrations then???

[ask-ghazghkull-da-waagh-prophet]

BOSS, APPARENTLEE DEREZ DIS FING KALLED "OKSYGEN" AND DA UMIES AN' ORKZ NEED IT TA BREEF, APPARENTLEE DEREZ NONE OF DIS "OKSYGEN" IN SPACE

I FORT DA UMIE DAT WAZ TELLIN' ME DAT BUK HAD HIS WORKY BITZ NOT MEETIN' DA GUBBINZ IN IZ 'EAD ROIGHT.

'OW KAN WE OPEN DA WINDOWZ ON DA ROKK AND GO DAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKA WIFOUT SUFFOKATIN'?! DEM UMIEZ NOT ROIGHT IN DA 'EAD BOSS.

...DEN I KRUMPED 'IM. I DUN BELEEVE IN ANY OF DAT 'UMIE BUK. OF KOURZE DERES AIR IN SPACE!

LET 'EM KEEP FINKIN' DEY CAN CUNVINTZ YA AN' DEN DEY AINT GONNA KEEP AN EYE ON YA WEN YA HIT EM WIF YA CHOPPA.

DEY WASNT GUNNA BE A GUD FITE ANYWAY

(sorry about the delays on some of these, adhd + writers block + Christmas depression kicks my arse sometimes)

[evebjournal]

08.26.2023

I've got a case of writers block again. More so the fact I keep finding myself doubting my own writing again and again. Go away imposter syndrome, you are not wanted here.

The smoke from the wildfires are thick. I feel the world is going to shit. The depression lingers but I'm working through it.

A family friend of mine got me a job but I don't want it. An ex-smoker working at a vape shop is just a bad idea. Though I am desperate for any kind of income because I'm stuck in poverty but I just don't think I can work again. The perk of being disabled. Being stuck in poverty, wanting to work but you can't because you're chronically ill. Haven't had the best work luck either. I get a job, work my ass off, work myself too hard. Boom, fibro relapse. Worked for 3 months and I'm still recovering and its been a year.

I want to focus on my writing. What I would give to go to college and get a higher education.

On a slightly lighter note not only have I become obsessed with Dark Souls 3 but the Soulsborne universe entirely. This game has taught me a lot. That every time you die you learn something. A different path you've never explored. Though I have to admit I've rage quit a few times and sworn when I've lost all my souls but its okay. Its a great game and would highly recommend you play it. I'm only level 42 and Cathederal of the Deep is kicking my arse. Might grind Farron Keep and level up some more. Crystal Sage was the hardest boss yet and honey... I mean its Dark Souls, you ain't seen nothing yet. Its gonna get harder. Sometimes it gets easier then it kills you again lol

Been smoking AK-47, we'll see if it either inspires writing or playing more Dark Souls 3 😅🥲

[ghost-chance]

Update

HO-lee MO-zes, it’s been FOREVER since I’ve had a chance to get on my computer instead of making do with that brain-numbing tablet! Finally, I have time (and ability) to answer posts and emails - it’s only been, say, since before Thanksgiving? Good grief. Anyway, here’s a brief update of the highlights of my latest pseudo-DOTFOTE episode.

Surprisingly, no one died over Thanksgiving and there was no family violence. Other than an impromptu drop in from a relative from the Land of Fruits and Nuts, the Chance family’s Thanksgiving dinner was remarkably drama-free. I suspect it had something to do with almost half of the people not attending, half of the attendees imbibing in copious amounts of wine, and the rest being too young to read the room. I’d call it a success.

Speaking of wine, I took an unexpected trip to Dumbfuck-ville Thanksgiving day and paid for it from Friday to Sunday. Apparently you can get hungover without ever getting drunk, provided you’re dehydrated enough...and, apparently, I was plenty dehydrated. Normally the one (large and very full) glass of wine I had with dinner, the second one afterward, and the three fingers’ worth of Scotch before bed would have had no effect on me. Combined with about seven cups of coffee, lots of salty food, a couple sodas, and only half a glass of water that entire day...well, let’s just say I had a fifty-piece percussion section practicing in my skull. Thirty-some-odd years old and I just suffered my first hangover...and I didn’t even get the pleasure of being drunk first. So wrong.

After the hangover abated (Friday night) I had even more fun on the way. Cold brought me an early Christmas present: A FLU BUG! He shouldn’t have. We have since instituted a renewed ban on giving gifts before Christmas...and Cold has been warned against bringing me all the sicknesses that he doesn’t catch. We need to patent his immune system.

The Annual Rodent (Chance family tradition, see previous posts) has been hidden and the hunt has officially begun. So far, Dad hasn’t found this year’s hidden tormentor but we’re keeping a close eye on the race. He has until Christmas Eve to find it to win this year’s Rodent Hunt.

Went on official writing hiatus until further notice. Writer’s block is killing me.

Three more things broke in the Chance household. I managed to fix one of them. The rest we’ll have to bribe Maintenance to fix.

Yet another incident occurred in which a ditzy neighbor mistook Cold for my son. She still has her teeth but her pride is in question. See previous post.

I FINALLY got a slight reprieve in the depression I’ve been fighting; no promises that the lull will last more than a couple days but any break from apathy is a good break. In the meantime, I used that break to do some housework and put up the bare minimum of our decorations. IF, God forbid, death decides NOT to take a holiday this year, I really don’t look forward to taking everything down later. That said, even just having a couple strings of lights and a 3′ tree is a comfort.

Cold earned himself some brownie points. Last night I was up in the window hanging a strand of lights. Now, for the record, this is the KITCHEN window - hanging these lights requires standing ON the windowsill with my ass propped against the fridge, the window open, and one arm hooked around the windowframe for support. If I hang the lights during the day, people tend to gather on the sidewalk below and try to ‘talk me out of jumping.’ (IRL, we live in our town’s equivalent of a high-rise. It’s only funny until the firetruck’s called and I have to shake the lights at them in explanation.) Apparently while NIGHT is a safe time to avoid spectacle, FRIDAY NIGHT isn’t such a good idea. Bunch of drunken twerps shambled down the sidewalk while I was working and started catcalling, whistling, and shouting at me to ‘shake it.’ (I wish I was making that up.) Being the sweet considerate person I am, I loudly advised them “Blow it out yer arse!” and continued my work. At that point, Cold offered to go kick their asses. I declined on account of one of the idiots was now passed out in the gutter and Cold was in his underwear - not the most likely to escape the ‘bystander or perpetrator’ test.

Other than more of the same - Woozle mining the halls, Heiferlump being lazy, Cold being an awkward grump, etc - that’s about everything worth mentioning. If I recall anything else later, I’ll try to add it. Meanwhile, I’ve got stuffs to reply to, so cheers.

[originalscottishlegend]

So today was my 33rd birthday, so naturally,  I have spent the day thinking about the changes in my life and what I have achieved. 

A lot has changed in the last 12 months but some things haven’t. The obvious change is that I now have my daughter in my life and I can’t imagine a world without her now. She is my world and I love her more every single day. 

Some other things have changed that I’m not overly thrilled at. My back is now defective and spasms wildly in agony whenever it feels like it. 

I found some white hair in my beard, that was depressing. 

But something haven’t changed outside of my home life, which isn’t always the best,  apart from my daughter, I’m not happy in life. I have a few friends that I talk to often but I don’t have many that I would call close friends and the ones that I do forgot it was my birthday until I mentioned it. 

There are people, or a person, out there who I had hoped to hear from, someone that meant the world to me and still does but alas people have moved on with their lives and I am happy for them, I don’t know if they have just forgotten about me completely or if contacting me would be too painful. But if you are reading this, and you know who you are, I miss you. 

I am not working just now and that has sapped my motivation, and time, to write anything. Many of you many have noticed I haven’t published any stories for a while. That’s the reason. I’ve got nothing my brain is kaput I may have lost the ability all together. 

I haven’t made any further progress with trying to get my book published, and after the scam I almost fell for I’m feeling a little gun shy. 

I have had some people helping me with editing it and being beta readers. 

I know you are probably reading this and I want to apologise for wasting your time. I haven’t had time to look over the edits you sent me and I haven’t sent anymore chapters on, I apologise for this and ask for patience but see above. I am just not in a good place writing wise just now. 

So the thought of trying to send my novel off to others has gotten me scared. 

There are other things that have been going through my mind today but those are things too dark to be written about here. 

Birthdays are supposed to be about celebrating the past and the future but right now I don’t know where I am going. 

I’m losing my identity. 

Tonight for example. I was talking to someone who is hurting and in trouble. I offered to help, give then someone to talk to, to listen to them and possibly help guide them through the darkness they are in, I’ve been there myself so I know how hard it is, and all I got back in return was attitude. So quite frankly I give up. I’m not doing it anymore there are I only so many times you can be used as a punching bag and I’m done with it. 

I’m not going to put myself out there anymore it’s not worth the effort 

It gets you thinking. Where do we go from here? https://youtu.be/7XdAQpq_1Xw

Moving on.  I did get a couple of thoughtful gifts for my birthday firstly 

It’s a scrap book. It’s filled with pics of the baby, me when I was a baby my grandad who died 15 years ago and some others of me growing up. I wasn’t expecting the picture of my grandad. He died when I was 18 and it hit me Hard. It just wasn’t something that I was expecting.  After 15 years to come across this picture of my grandad in a scrap book my wife, who never met him, was overwhelming and I’ll admit I started crying 

This man was the best man I will ever know, I try to live up to the examples he left me but it’s hard. I’ll never be the man he was but god dammit I’ll try 

The other thing I got was this. My new favourite mug 

#gallery-0-10 { margin: auto; } #gallery-0-10 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 33%; } #gallery-0-10 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-0-10 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

I just couldn’t ask for more.  So all in all it’s be an, internally, turbulent day. 

I hope the next 12 months are differnt and that I can get back in track with things. But I’ll need to wait and see 

Have a good day folks.  By the way before I go. Here is me at 9 months with my sister 

My daughter looks so much like me it’s scary. 

Poor kid. 

It’s been a day of thought  So today was my 33rd birthday, so naturally, I have spent the day thinking about the changes in my life and what I have achieved.