#depressed 13 year old me didnt give as much of a shit bc the anxiety part of my mental illness hadnt kicked in yet

[princeanxious]

okay so its late and this is like. A ramble. Ive been seeing and learning alot abt fae over the years of being on the internet and reading up stuff and learning abt practical and literal witchcraft still being a thing(which is So Cool!!!) so excuse this lil ramble bc I'm having a "jfc gdi younger me" kind of moment, y'know?

But like

Ya ever just

Remember a memory from years ago that suddenly makes a bit more sense with this new added probability?

And you then proceed to have a small crisis bc your past self didnt know any better and did a dumb stupid thing?

I recently learned that Fae like to give gifts! And can leave them. At your home. And you're not supposed to accept them. Youre supposed to be respectful, and politely decline them, write them a note, leave an offering in return, follow the rules.

Well. I'm still learning the extent and intent of faes and stuff like that but like. This moment stands out in my memory and it was probably the summertime too when i was still in school. But like.

One morning I just woke up in my room, to a quiet home, my door locked(normal), no one else home that i can recall, and I found on my table, a single piece or like, roll of bread.

Now. Like. Okay to really understand why this was weird you get that you'd have to know the type of foods you have in your house, the utensils you have, the intent of the people living in your home towards you, guest stuff. Ect.

Suffice it to say, this roll of bread was a kind of bread we did not own, nor buy at any time before(I checked at the time, there were no dupicates anywhere in my house), on a napkin with a generic pattern ive never seen, nor had we used before, and in asking around the house, I found that no one had given me the bread while i had been asleep or knew where it came from. So. Mysterious bread roll placed next to my bed of mysterious origins and no clue what kind of bread it was on a sunny day during a time where i still explored my local forest.

:) so, being a teen with no sense of safety and still not really awake that morning, I ate it. And I didnt die, but now i realize. :| hm.

Did I accept a gift from the fae?

[cuntryhuman]

i just saw a tiktok that reminded me if todays thearpy session and like my step dad rlly does just 'ur faking mental illness we didn't have it back in my day''ur 13 you shouldn't have anxiety' 'Its A tRend' LIKE OFC YALL DIDNT KNOW ABOUT BACK IN UR DAD ROBERT YOU WERE BORN IN LIKE THE 60s IR SOME SHIT WITH YOUR OLD WHITE MANN LOOKIN ASS and he rlly is just 'just stop compring urself to others' THEN COMPARES MY ADHD AND MY OLDER BROTHERS?! HE HAS INTERAL ADHD I HAVE EXTERNAL ADHD then be like 'Its been a year you cant have self esteem issues' ???? wtf 'I dOnT fEel rEmOrSe beCausE i sAw MY doG gET hIt' ok??? i cant grive a dog ig he always makes it abou HIS life experiences like?? IM LIVING THROUGH A PANDEMIC AND HE WANTS TO TAKE AWAY MY ONLY OUTLET TO TALK TO PPL. I bring up the fact my younger bro hits my ass 24/7 and hes hsut 'hElL gRow OutPf It' LIKE NO HE WONT IF YOU DONT EXPLAIN WHATS WRONG WOTH IT HE WONDERS WHY I SAY IM GOING TO CUT THAT SIDE OF MY FAMILY OUT WHEN I GROW UP? I SAY 'im uncomfortable with this movie that practically smut' yOur oVerReaCtiNg i relize i have alot of oent anger towards my dad who is lowkey abusive. not to mention he talk about me being trans (to his knowledge) like its just a phase he yells at me to take my meds. THOSE FUCK WITH MY DEPRESSION AND MY APPETITE. IF I TAKE THEM I WILL FALL BACK INTO AN EATING DISORDER. he says its for my seizures. i take cbd for those. he just wants me to take it so my adhd doesn't affect HIM he wonders why i don't like talking to him about my mental health? hes said being suicidal is 'selfish' and dumpong ur problems on someone else like the only reason ppl commit suicide is because they feel that death is better then pain and suffering he doesn't understand me. ive tried explaining the fact that he is the reason that i feel im so fucked up in the head. he brushes it off. he says he has adhd. that it affects him to but his room wasn't dirty. he grew up in an era where child abuse was legal hes undermined my legit truama related to seeing my dogs die with the excuse 'i can't feel remorse because I've had so many dogs die when I was your age' LIKE NO. IVE ONLY HAD 3 PASS. I GET ATTACHED TO THEM. AND HE HAS THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO SAY GET OVER IT?! IT WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC. I COULDNT VISIT MY GRANDPARENTS WHO ARE BATTLING CANCER. I SAW SOMEONE SWERVE TO HIT MY DOG AND HE TREATS IT LIKE IT WAS AN ORDINARY THURSDAY iv literally sobbed for hours on end because of things he said 'I doNt wAnt tHis pIty pArTy' YOU HAVE A DEEP VOICE AND ARE SCREAMING AT ME A FOOT AWAY FROM MY FACE ABOUT MY DIRTY ROOM YET NOOoo MY YOUNGER BROTHER GETS A FREE PASS BC HES EPILEPTIC AND YOU DENY MY MENTAL ILLNESS WHICH AFFECTS THIS. 'yoUr rOOm bEinG clEaN wILl mAkE iT beTter' NO IT WONT. ILL STILL WANT TO KMS D A D BECAUSE OF **YOU** UNDERMINING MY TRUAMA mf rlly yells at me for 3-6 hours then says 'now give me a hug' and then yells when i dont want a hug? like that makes me want to distance myself from you. i use my phone to escape your yelling and you rlky are just 'YOuR On iT tOo mUCh' like????????????? he says i do thing for attention and popularity i dont want that though i hate being watched. and like i wouldn't look for small bits off attention if you payed attention to mr as a child and didn't vent to me about seeing someone DIE i was like 7. like,,, i see where i get my love for gore. in all honesty its prolly just the tip of the iceberg there have been times where mom had to call the police on dad bc he was yelling that much Like this one time back in El Paso mom's friend had a straight up come pick me up along with my younger brother because Dad refused to leave he was screaming and actually screaming I mean screaming wait to the point where I of all people was literally cowering behind the couch hmm yes. that prolonged truama is prolly some of the shit that caused the system to form. it was like when i was 10 i was in an rp that was so gorey that the mods on amino had to stop it on a GORE amino and i was literally just🧍🏼 well that was fun not scared at all

literally ly someone graphically decribed cannibalism and i was 'haha mood' i'm pretty sure my dad contributed to like half my tiggers def the yelling he says he wishes i did mot realistic art like no bitch my art my laws of Physics yeah like take those old medieval drawings these mfs like he says its amazing then hes jsut 'do realistic' at these yeah humor is my coping mechanism and holy fuck is fitting bc that treats my truama like a fucking joke mom understands it fairly well its just dad if i cam out as a sys to em he'd prolly send me back to the mental hospital yeah he doesnt understand like i got my hereditary anxiety from my moms sind and hes just i di not see

[rectusdominus]

50 Questions Game

I was tagged by @lordfartwad thanks ily

1. what takes up too much of your time? panicking about things out of my control

2. what makes your day better? good music, sunshine, dancing/performing, working out and accomplishing something new

3. what’s the best thing that happened to you today? nothing happened today. eating toast was the best thing to happen today.

4. what fictional place would you like to go? Pandora would be cool? idk

5. are you good at giving advice? most of my advice is useless in a practical sense, so no

6. do you have any mental illness? yeah depression, there’s definitely an anxiety related problem in there somewhere

7. have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no but I’ve woken up multiple times with my arm completely numb and immovable and had to manually wake it up again. not great.

8. what musician inspired you the most? Kurt Cobain which sounds cliche but it’s valid. Billie Joe Armstrong is also up there

9. have you ever fallen in love? I technically say no, but I fall in love with different things in a romantic sense every day

10. what’s your dream date? fun thing would be a concert or to the movies, dinner either at a place or outside somewhere, maybe we can just fuck around town at night and then sit outside somewhere until it’s late. I want spontaneous fun with friends or partners idk

11. what do others notice about you? don’t really know, probably how uncomfortable/unprepared I am in social situations

12. what is the annoying habit you have? there’s too much to unpack here

13. do you still talk to your first love? not applicable

14. how many ex’s do you have? not applicable

15. how many songs are on your playlist? I have too many playlists but my spotify library is maxed out at 10,000

16. what instruments can you play? I used to play clarinet but I can’t really play anything

17. who do you have the most pictures of? myself probably, I don’t have friends

18. where would you like to go before you die? Vegas again, Italy would be cool, but definitely Vegas

19. what is your zodiac? Leo

20. do you relate to it? now that I’m mentally stable? hell yeah

21. what is happiness to you? performing in front of a big crowd under lights, the thrill being on a big roller coaster on a hot summer day, watching the kids I coach succeed

22. are you going through anything right now? college stuff, getting a car/license, deciding on what I want to do in the next few years/where I want to be with myself

23. what’s the worst decision you’ve ever made? oh I’m not going down that road but thanks for asking

24. what’s your favourite store? Journey’s even tho I never buy anything there, I really should, the stuff is cool. I’m also really into sports apparel stores idk

25. what’s your opinion on abortion? I don’t necessarily “like” it but like.. it’s a safer option in some medical scenarios and also it’s none of my business if that’s something you want to do it’s better to have the option

26. do you keep a bucket list? not for my life, but I have stuff for the year or “by the time I’m this age” I take it as it comes

27. do you have a favourite album at the moment? The Menzingers, After the Party will always be The One

28. what do you want for your birthday? a tattoo or some piercings or a car or all of the above. NO WAIT I need to go skydiving bc I didn’t do it before I turned 20 so I have to do it while I’m 20

29. what are most peoples first impression of you? uhhh idk probably uncomfortable, seems kinda closed off so possibly bitchy, and idk she dresses kinda weird but I respect it

30. what age do you seem according to most people? younger than 20 I’ll tell you that

31. where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? too close to my head but it’s so I hear the alarm/vibration to wake up

32. what word or phrase do you say the most? I say “dude”, “bro”, “yo”, “sweet”, “sick”, and I use the word “just” a lot in sentences for some reason. I sound like a 14 year old in 1992

33. what’s the oldest age you would date? idk 23-25? it would have to be like.. really worth it tho

34. what’s the youngest age you would date? 19, I think my limit would always be a year or two younger than me

35. what job/career do most people say would suit you? they don’t really

36. what’s your favourite music genre? rock music

37. if you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? besides here in hell idk maybe New Zealand? I don’t like anywhere, we’re all fucked

38. what is your current favourite song? “Smile Like You Mean It” by The Killers

39. how long have you had this blog for? since early 2012 I think

40. what are you excited for? the future

41. are you a better talker or listener? listener, I can’t talk for shit

42. what is the last productive thing you did? try to make sure my college money is useful to me

43. what do you want for Christmas? a tattoo pls thanks

44. what class do you get the best grades in? apparently math? but really just the ones I care the most about

45. on a scale from 1-10, how are you feeling right now? maybe an 8 just because I’m content but I do seriously wish I had something to do

46. what can you see yourself doing in 10 years? being a choreographer/coaching, or working behind the scenes somewhere for something related to my major

47. when did you get your first heartbreak? when my parents got divorced when I was 9, but it was for the best so !! yay

48. at what age do you want to get married? when/if it’s the time but not until after I’m 30

49. what career did you want to have as a child? I wanted to blow glass or be a welder or something

50. what do you crave right now? adventure

I tag: @whatlomalikes @boodhirooks @solovalker @gayperry @kingfindekano @bicon-pappymcpoyle and anyone else idk

[noahhernandez]

I’m OLD and bored 8/7/2020

1.Is there a boy/girl in your life? No!  2:Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? If it is Pajak then no i do not <3  3:What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” A cat, and oddly enough Cardi B 4:What’s something you really want right now? A stable job that I like :)  5:Are you afraid of falling in love? No, but I don’t want to. Relationships are soul sucking and not in the fun way. 6:Do you like the beach? No i do not like the beach one bit. Well, I like being in a beach house but I don’t like getting in the water. 7:Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Yes I have  8:What’s the background on your cell? It is the scene in Hereditary where he husband is on fire 9:Name the last four beds you were sat on? Mine, Emily’s, Bri’s, lol I don’t really know um  ? Probably like my aunts when I lived with her 10:Do you like your phone? Yes it work 11:Honestly, are things going the way you planned? NO! I wanted to have a fun summer and look for another job and think about studying for Grad School and etc etc but I was JOBLESS for FOUR months and bc of COVID we cant do a DAMn thing 12:Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? I have absolutely no idea probably like.. ? I don’t know lol 13:Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? Rottweiler 14:Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? Emotional pain, lol it’s funny bc my last answer said physical I have grown up so much  15:Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? Art Museum 16:Are you tired? Physically yes lol 17:How long have you known your 1st phone contact? For 16 years because it’s my little sister 18:Are they a relative? omg yes 19:Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? NO ! well maybe 1.  20:When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? I have no idea bitch !  21:If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? no 22:Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? no  23:How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? 3 24:Is there a certain quote you live by? no!  25:What’s on your mind? literally nothing its kind of nice like not thinking 26:Do you have any tattoos? Yes, I have a sleeve so a total of like 9 tattoos i think idk 27:What is your favorite color? black 28:Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? Hell if I know 29:Who are you texting? Nobody bc Emily and Janett are at work and Bri (F.) is simply not texting me 30:Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? yes 31:Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? Yeah of course its called  i know things bitch 32:Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Ya of course i can tell michelle faith bri emily and janett everything  33:Do you think anyone has feelings for you? u know probably not 34:Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? my eyes are dark brown lol so no 35:Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? i dont care 36:Were you single on Valentines Day? yes !  37:Are you friends with the last person you kissed? I honestly dont know the last person I kissed like i dont know if it was michelle or not lmao 38:What do your friends call you? Noah 39:Has anyone upset you in the last week? No  ! 40:Have you ever cried over a text? Probably ! Yes when I was told “sorry noah i cheated on you last night” like who TEXTS that LMFAO anyways I cried 41:Where’s your last bruise located? hand from work 42:What is it from? oh from work 43:Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? Bitch i want to die 44:Who was the last person you were on the phone with? leann  45:Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? my dr. martens theyre like 2 inch platforms lmao 46:Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? No lol 47:Would you ever go bald if it was the style? no omg 48:Do you make supper for your family? ew hell no i live ALONE 49:Does your bedroom have a door? omg yes  50:Top 3 web-pages? Facebook, Twitter, Youtube 51:Do you know anyone who hates shopping? Um, no all my friends shop about an average amount 52:Does anything on your body hurt? My back and my feet!!  53:Are goodbyes hard for you? They were sometimes. Sometimes it do be sucking when u say goodbye but didnt know it was the last :( 54:What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? I had the sudden memory of last summer when I fell down the stairs at work and spilled coffee all over myself and had to change 55:How is your hair? Short and not combed at the slightest 56:What do you usually do first in the morning? Pee! !!  57:Do you think two people can last forever? nope!  58:Think back to January 2007, were you single? I was 10 59:Green or purple grapes? Green 60:When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? um honestly i have no idea lmao we arent allowed to hug each other in these tough times!  61:Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? no !  62:When will be the next time you text someone? I am texting Angel rn actually 63:Where will you be 5 hours from now? Asleep 64:What were you doing at 8 this morning. dead ass asleep 65:This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Nope !  66:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? this is gay yes all my friends but only because they are funny not because I enjoy seeing them 67:Did you kiss or hug anyone today? I did not hug anyone or kiss anyone today!! ! 68:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? i literally was struggling so hard to go to sleep last night so I was probably really frustrated 69:Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes on taking exams normally except my last like ... 2 years of college were phenomenal   70:How many windows are open on your computer? 4- amazon, youtube, CBS and this 71:How many fingers do you have? 10 72:What is your ringtone? like the original one 73:How old will you be in 5 months? 24 LOL  74:Where is your Mum right now? Honestly I have no fucking idea lmao 75:Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?  because they cheated on me, they were very toxic and manipulative and uncaring and i dealt with it for a long ass time and it literally going to kill me if I kept it up. Dealt with bad anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, I wasn’t eating, and I had to start taking medication and see therapy because of it literally it was the worst shit ever  76:Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? No 77:Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? Let me think of some- yes. Faith, Peter, Michelle, Bri, Emily, Janett, Angel, Anissa, I’ll still consider Keyla my friend too hehe .  78:Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? some guy named Chris 79:Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? No 80:Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? yes and I hated it

81:How many people have you liked in the past three months? 0 82:Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? no lol 83:Will you talk to the person you like tonight? no!  84:You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? Definitely MICHELLE and PETER. I would ask Bri and Emily to please not let me get that drunk 85:If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? yes 86:What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? I literally work at a movie theater an nothing cool happens like the last almost 6 years of working there have been boring 87:Who was your last received call from? Leann asking me where my nametag was at in my car 88:If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? um yes 89:What is something you wish you had more of? money !! $$$ 90:Have you ever trusted someone too much?  ya it was some dumb ass shit !  91:Do you sleep with your window open? hell no i live in southeast houston is too fucking humid and hot for that shit i will get mold 92:Do you get along with girls? yeah lmao 93:Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? i dont even know i dont think so 94:Does sex mean love? hell no!  95:You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? nope!   96:Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? ew no those are trashy 97:Did you sleep alone this week? yes lol :( 98:Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? my friends what kind of dumb ass question is this  99:Do you believe in love at first sight?  no !  100:Who was the last person that you pinky promise?  nobody ! if anything I smokey sweared with Michelle like 23 years ago