#denial is the strongest drug yall

[vyeoh]

My mom's unwavering belief that I can get bitches is proof that people will believe in anything

[hiddenreligion]

This is going to be long, and I’m just putting all this out because this is how I’m coping. No one has to read this if they don’t want to. The TL;DR version is my grandma is dying and I’m having work problems on top of that and I’m not in the best frame of mind. But for anyone curious, I am about to put everything out there under the cut.

This summer has been really rough. I moved from GA to SD last year for a promotion and to get away from really really bad family drama that had finally taken it’s toll on me and was making me severely depressed. I hid it well because I had to. Me and my grandmother (mama pronounce mawmaw because I am good ol’ southern trash yall) have always been close. My mother and father divorced when I was one and she was a young mom. So young that she had to take an unpaid internship, mow lawns, and work two convenience store jobs while she worked on becoming a teacher. We were piss poor on food stamps and almost lost our home, apparently, but I was 2 when she finally went to Mama and asked for her help. Mama and Papa literally raised me until I was 4 and my mom had a stable job, was able to get off government help, and she fell in love with my dad. BTW, there is a huge difference between father and dad for me so when I say dad, he is the man that wanted me and actually was there most of my life unlike the sperm donner that is my biological father. Gonna leave that for another story, maybe. Needless to say, I am really close to my grandmother. So, when her health started failing, I was there. We lived together for 11 years, basically from 18-29. I held two jobs, finished a bachelors, and lived and took care of her that entire time. It was hard and I missed my entire 20s. During this time, my family was in denial that anything was wrong for 8 of those years. They were too caught up in a toxic divorce and family drama which they always somehow drug me back into. I’ve always been the family peace maker whether I wanted to or not, so when I say I knew every intimate detail and scandal, I literally heard EVERYTHING. Then, about three-four years ago, Mama had a string of problems ranging from heart attacks to falls. One black Friday, I was getting ready for work at 3am and heard her scream for help. She had had a stroke of some sort and a pin in her spine moved and temporarily paralyzed her from the waist down and made her memory go completely. She recovered a bit, but after that she was walked bound and they diagnosed her with early onset dementia. The rest of my family was STILL in denial, even after all of the hospital visits, the doctors, everything. They said I was over exaggerating and I should just go live my life. Anyone living with someone with dementia or memory problems knows how much of a struggle it is just to do every day chores. Mama would cry and try to follow me outside if I left her sight. Once, when I went for groceries, she somehow got in her old car (I had hid the keys and this still happened) and she backed into our brick mailbox. I was completely useless and unable to go do anything even if it was to get her medicine. It was tough. Finally, they couldn’t deny it any longer when I literally had to resuscitate her on the living room floor when she tried to die in my arms. Yeah. My basic CPR certification was not the type of nursing she needed. After that happened, my mom moved in with us and, despite me and my mom generally not getting along for more than an hour, it was a tremendous help. Mom finally helped me get a nurse for mama through her insurance and helped with all the paperwork. It was such a relief. Still hard, but much better. Then we came to the conclusion that I needed to finally start my own life and quit putting it on hold. I have a degree and nothing to really show for it other than numerous retail jobs, food service jobs, and endless amounts of stress. It was a good, but hard decision and it took alot for me to move. I did, though. No one will ever understand the freedom I feel not being afraid to go for a walk or the PTSD like flashbacks every time I go to do something by myself. My home city was also a terrible, crime-ridden place. All of that was long behind me when I moved and I even got a promotion and started thinking of life past the moment. But I am also so alone up here. I have my sister, but other than her, I knew no one. And uh...I’m not the best at making friends because I am a reclusive, blunt, eccentric, cave-creature. I don’t even know how to have a life anymore and suddenly had all this free time. I already know how to do taxes and adulting, how to get chores done at 7am before work so I don’t have to worry about anything, how to keep things clean and take care of myself and others. (except cooking *cough*cough*) But the past few months, my Mama’s been in steep decline. She also was diagnosed with congestive heart failure before I moved and she’s been in and out of the hospitals. And my fudging work decided to turn down my request to see her this month before my 30th birthday. I am so livid right now. She fell yesterday and broke her hip and was taken to the hospital ER again. Since then, they have determined that she can’t have pain meds because they cause her heart to nearly stop. AND NOW I woke up at butt-crack of dawn to a call telling me her kidneys are failing. Things have been really really bad at work this week, too. Every single day 1-4 employees have called out and we were down two managers because they both went on vacation at the same time AND approved 6 employees for vacation at the same time. People have been showing up 2-3 hours late if at all, people have been sick, throwing up, unable to come in due to car troubles--just anything you can imagine. I was already seriously mad about the scheduling and now I’m angry, sad, and just...done. I got “coached” (basically yelled at for ten minutes) because I couldn’t finish the 48 hours of planograms we had scheduled this week. Surely that had nothing to do with no one being there to work? Yeah. Right. Also, been working in overtime all week and got yelled at for that, but it was damn near unavoidable and I just want to get everything at work fixed. I have been crying all morning and talking to my grandma on the phone, but I have never felt so far from someone I love. She had been like a mom to me, better than my own mom. And she is the bravest, strongest woman I know. Sassiest, too. I could go on and on about her. I have told my work I am going to see her and it’s a family emergency. She may not last long now, at least that’s what the doctors have said. The ticket was outrageously high, but I couldn’t give two shits right now. She has kept me together all these years and I have to be there for her. Sorry this is so long for anyone that actually read all of this. I rarely talk to anyone about all of this and I needed to get it out somehow. She’s sleeping right now and I have to prepare to go see her and find a cat sitter. Prayers and thoughts are always welcome.