#deleting all connections with that post and the others i felt was influenced by it

[normalwomanontheinternet]

omg lesbianmooncolony!! so glad i found u again. ur more gorgeous than ever ^_^

oh my goodness my head is spinning from this ask and my heart rate shot up. i did not in a million years think somebody on tumblr would recognise and remember me!

in ~2013-2014 i was lesbianmooncolony on tumblr and i had ~5k followers, which felt huge at the time. i renamed lesbianmoonbase at some point after i learned about settler colonialism lol. i also had a bunch of sideblogs, i remember i had gaykissesonthemoon which was my nsfw blog and gay4polearms which featured art of women knights.

i had a big meltdown and deleted everything when i found out other more popular trans women were talking shit about me in the comments on some other post (the one that lodged in my brain was "i hate her she's so annoying").

around that time i had just finished uni and started a job, most of my uni friends left the city and i was very isolated. tumblr was a huge source of connection for me and so everything on social media felt very life-and-death important. offline, i was waking up, going to work, coming home and getting blackout drunk. i had a period of hearing voices and doing witchcraft about it - chilling in bogs with candles, drinking river water, drawing demonic symbols late out night outside uni buildings, that kind of thing.

i quit my job, moved back in with my parents, my then-girlfriend convinced me to quit drinking, i got a job that paid double in london, i met a whole circle of revolutionary feminist organiser cis lesbians who became my primary friend group and an incredibly good influence, and life got a whole lot better for me since then!

now i'm a decade older and wiser, i am not taking social media nearly so seriously. but this post really made me think about how i was doing then versus how i am doing now! thank you so much for this it really made my day!

bonus: here is what i looked like right when i started hrt in 2012

and here's some random pics from the period i was most big on tumblr, back when i was ~22 and ~2 years into transition. back then i was desparately unhappy with my body. look at me squeezing my tummy in as much as i possibly can. and trying to get all those angles!

and here's how it's going these days!

[ophernelia]

big simblr vs small simblr anon, you've been blocked. not interested in disingenuous questions about the same grating ass conversation. people reblog what they like. idc if it has a thousand notes or two, if i like it then i reblog it. i'll see posts with low notes and be surprised they don't have more for sure. it's just the luck of hitting the algorithm or not. so again- if i like it then i reblog it. some of us are here for the community, to just genuinely have fun, and to interact with the friends we've made in the community be it big or small. the notes and attention aren't the sole focus. whining about not having access to someone else's platform just so you can grow your own is so goddamn entitled. we have access to the same audience. curate your content, use good seo, utilize other social networks if you're seeking growth. i started all my stuff at literally 0. celebrated when i got 10 subscribers on youtube. was grateful when i had 20 followers on tumblr. majority of my growth came from my own merits, not larger accounts or attention seeking. just like so many of the other folks here- we were not handed a platform. i was talking about lykaia to a wall for the longest and eventually other people came to listen too. y'all hate the aesthetic girls down for their semblance to traditional influencers, but then exhibit similar behavior as said group. regardless of your follower count, you're still a valid part of the community. focus on that more.

and the meanest thing i'll say about this is: sending this to a black creator, especially one that uses alpha cc, knowing damn well how hard it is for black creators to grow an audience in general is outright crazy. not to mention- my shit is fantasy based so my niche is real fucking niche. starting out i have had to delete so many comments and block so many people who felt the need to tell me they were repulsed about how i choose to do shit. it wasn't just a lack of engagement, it was negative and hateful engagement. and despite that, i've been able to find and connect with other people. get a fucking grip.

[roserefrain]

asterversary gush under the cut because i can be a little shy. as a treat.

so. it is now the second anniversary of me knowing aster's name (which if you did not know, is why this particular day is designated as the floriaster anniversary) aaaand it's about a month out from the one year anniversary of this blog! so i just kinda wanted to gush about aster and this blog and everything.

aster has always been really incredibly important to me, even before i knew much about them at all. who they are has influenced so much of who i am and what i value. a good sense of curiosity for the world around you and why it works, a refusal to accept things as they are if they are in fact unacceptable, compassion for others, the ability to approach things with a level of sincerity and wonder, and a sort of endless appetite for art, wherever it appears. these are all things i've always admired in them, that i try to carry with me in turn. (i fully blame how Literary Analysis Brained i am on them)

i really cant imagine who i would be without them. they'll always be an important part of my heart. when i was younger that importance resulted in a lot of sadness, honestly. a lot of "well it can never be like that again, i had it good but now it's just memory" it often hurt to talk about them. not to mention that often talking about them resulted in Very Harsh Judgement in the angelkin communities i tried to be a part of. (your usual. that's not biblically accurate. i know your kin memories better than you do actually and let me tell you everywhere youre wrong. etc etc.)

i had sort of resigned myself to thinking that all of this needed to be "inside thoughts" forever. no one else would get it, or even be willing to like. try and understand. even in spaces i felt comfortable, it was a blacklisted topic in my mind.

and then. while browsing through commission tags on tumblr. i found the self ship community. i browsed a few blogs daily, but was too nervous to even hit the follow button for a while. this community seemed nice, it seemed interesting, but i also recognized that florian and aster didn't exactly fit the typical mold of self insert and fictional other, and i dont really refer to them as such. was i still. allowed to be a part of this?

i only made the leap into making a blog because i realized if i wanted to commission some of the wonderful artists i saw, i'd need a blog for them to @ with their finished work, and Dude people on my main don't even know that i'm angelkin. i also wanted a space away from my angelkin blog, as that had grown more general and less personal.

i'd never really had a more personal blog on tumblr before, a blog where i talk about myself, a blog where i mainly Post instead of just oops all reblogs. i was notorious for making a sideblog and then deleting it soon after, but i wanted to give this a try.

and it was fun !!! i was having fun !!! i felt more connected to my angelkin memories than i had in so long, i loved seeing other people's ships, and it even motivated me to get back into writing, something i hadn't done for years. and. seeing people react positively to florian and aster was crazy to me. there was no endless questioning, no random judgement, it was just. if people like them, they stuck around.

i never know at what point it's like. socially acceptable to call someone a friend? and i know i struggle actually talking to mutuals sometimes (i feel like i've gotten so much better at it than at the start of this blog though. im in a discord server! i am Occasionally sending asks and leaving replies! i have added people on other platforms! this is very impressive to me looking at where i started) but. just know if you are a mutual here, i very much consider you a friend at this point and it genuinely makes me So Happy to be here talking about ships and whatever else with you, even if it's Fully parallel play where we haven't spoken directly to each other yet.

it genuinely means the world to me that people care about floriaster, and that i have a space now where i can talk about them, along with whatever else is on my mind! i hope i can be on this blog doing this sort of stuff for many years to come.

[hypermascbishounen]

I honestly keep forgetting about N!Juste bc he's such a travesty, so wnv I get reminded of him I'm just as angry as day one, lol. I just mentally delete N!Juste every time I see him, like dragging a corrupted file to the recycle bin. Tbf he's easy to forget, bc he's also boring and the least of Nocturne's problems so far, but obv I'm going to dislike it a lot as fan of HoD.

What gets me most I think, is how most ideas I've seen of a post game Juste, have him in a mentor or at least respected ancestor role to Richter(if not just outright his dad, lol). Even with bad end Juste - in fact *especially* with bad end Juste - it's hard to imagine Juste being so checked out on his descendants. If anything, Juste having a controlling/overprotective streak, seems to be a possible thing with him, which you would think sudden catastrophic loss would actually make worse.

(imo a bad end Juste would react to Richter like Marlin in Finding Nemo, but forced to train him excessively instead of being able to shelter him. Especially when Richter *is so similar to Maxim, who he lost.* I think he would have every motive to try and ensure Richter has the best odds possible against anything.)

And this idea doesn't come from nowhere - A lot of elements of Juste (and Maxim) as characters, right down to gameplay, is backshadowing SoTN and Richter in particular. It's very much an implication that Richter inherits traits from the both of them, whether by blood, fate, or literally being trained by them, or relatives that already had been. Juste's connection to Richter in this way, was the only reason to even bring him into a Richter storyline in the first place.

And the Juste we know from HoD has an incredibly strong and distinctive personality. "Ooc" doesn't even really begin to describe how off N!Juste is. He's basically a reused stock archetype. He's the cookie cutter they used to make N!Trevor, thrown on the tray after they ran out of dough.

And tbh they didn't even need to do this, so it's baffling why they chose to. I can't claim to see into the genius peak minds behind nfcv, but my nearest guess is that not only do they not see No Legacy as a narrative problem for Richter, they see Legacy itself as an active threat. Bc Juste was genuinely their last Get Out of Jail Free card to give Richter a legacy and they wasted it, specifically to reinforce Belmont's as Useless. They actually could have had him just be a mentor to Richter that influenced him from a relatively safe distance in the script, while changing not a whole lot, imo.

The only other explanation is that they were just too scared have anyone as cool as game Juste or his friends anywhere near their watery product, lol. He is just full of too much prettyboy protagonist style while also being loaded to the balls full of magic power and having real Belmont swag. They could not have even a backstory version of this man that wouldn't threaten to upstage their constantly berated Richter, or their precious fanservice Alucard they just redesigned. He is too powerful.

Regardless, they felt the need to literally take away everything that makes Juste recognizable - his outfit, his powers, his friends, even his face!(that beard really is horrendous, it actually feels like it is there to hide his face istg). He can't even have his character flaws, they had to be replaced with ones that make him more suitably disaffected. All for the completely 0 pay off of another Useless Belmont.

[bunkernine]

hi pls ignore this if i have mistaken you for someone else and am making a fool out of myself but are you the person who wrote isosceles?? because that fic altered my brain on an abnormal and chemical level way back when and i just remembered it the other day and binged it all again and i feel like i remember there being a few other fics in that universe (one from travis’s pov iirc) and i wanted to know where they are. of course if you are not the person who wrote isosceles i am a fool and feel free to ignore this ❤️

I did, yeah.

I wrote it when i was 14 so at a certain point i didn't want to be associated with it because it didn't reflect me as much anymore. It was my big baby at the time!!! But i divorced from that a few years ago. As for the other universe fics, if i remember correctly: connor, drew, a vers where jason admits to liking him back (some point isos implied that jason DID like leo back but was too confused to do anything).... But i deleted those first because they just weren't as fun, and my own friend group was falling apart so it felt too close.

But yes, you have found me LOLOL. Isos is orphaned, but unfortunately the other fics are deleted fr. Sorry :( but thanks for enjoying it!!! 💖

(ramblings under the cut)

The reason why i didnt delete isos too was because so many people were saying what you are now. If i could, id rewrite it (both with style and plot differences) and do a whole new remastered version. Im not sure why i decided to write his senior year when i was a freshman/sophomore LOL so I always figured I would've came back to it when I was older.... Clearly I did not.

I WAS miserable in high school, at least socially. So Leo was a little TOO personal and it made me mad when i basically did what he did towards the end. I spent some time just doing some random apolleo fics. Capolleo series, so my name should've been capolleon by then? LOLOLOL i had been majorly influenced by some now-deleted fic which is why apollo is even there 💀 but now im apollos age in the fic and im like 'hmm. Yeah maybe not...'

Then there was a fic that was coming out towards the end of isos that i felt was copying me 😭😭😭 ← 14/15 yr old feelings. Who cares! But i would update and then they would update and i was so paranoid 😭😭😭 honestly, the vibe in general for valgrace in 2018 is much different than right now, and it was much more open and varied in topics. This is not to discredit the current valgrace leaders or whatever the fuck, but the vibe is just ... Pretty different.

But yeah. Im sort of using this ask as an excuse to talk about it, but isos was SO big and what i was known for within the small vg circle (outside of the text fic at the same time 💀) so i was constantly reminded of it. And dont get me wrong, i ADORED that fic when i was writing it. I was upset whenever my life was too messy for me to drop the chapter of the month. Double updates felt so ... Um. Mature and awesome, like i was a professional 💀 i wrote leo as bisexual but he had a pretty strong inclination to men because i was figuring I'm out that I wasn't bisexual but a lesbian, but I couldn't really articulate that, especially as I was dating a guy through that fic. That was some cute little endpoint i was gonna have but its reality frightened me so it was dropped... The complexities of piperleojason were insane to think about when i was like, crying at lunch in my bf's car 😭 When it was posting, i left some really crazy A/N's showing how volatile i was at the time, that i eventually deleted. But i was so proud of it and it was a comfort to write. I think the drafts were a lot more raw but people loved it anyway.

Anyway. It's been a while since I've been able to talk about this fic. People have left the most loving comments in the world and it connected with a lot of readers. Its also my only fic that had fanart and playlists and such made for it! I was so proud of that! I dont think people understand how incredible that is and it truly is the dream for fic writers!!! I have other fics that inspired ppl, but isos was the one ppl constantly flocked to or appreciated :)

I used to cry writing some parts of it and now it just feels like an old diary entry. I haven't read it in a while and thought about remaking it (probs... As college kids though) but haven't bothered. Technical-wise, theres so many things that are dropped or forgotten or are just clumsy but thats really just a maturity thing.

Anyway THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!!!!!!!! Ppl dont ask me about my fics like they used to which was the whole reason why i made this account :(((( among other things, lack of interactions in fandom have decreased so much :((((

Love love love uuuuuuuuu

[djhamaradio]

I do not have a brand because I am not a corporation.

I lost my job recently and had to log back into my LinkedIn account. The whole thing felt forced and weird because I never use the app and I never post anything and suddenly I posted an alert showing I was open for work. The whole process felt weird because everyone in my network seemed to be confused because everyone on there is an ace at networking and using their personal brands to show people what they have going on in their work lives and I felt like a faker. Same way I feel when I am told I am not effectively branding my radio show and my escapades in the record digging world to become a vinyl influencer (not sure if that exists). The whole thing has me depressed because I get the feeling my inactivity is not helping with my job prospects. And no matter what advice I read on Forbes or whatever blog about personal marketing I’m never going to be good at it. I lack the brand consistency or whatever it’s called because ultimately I am not that committed to this world of personal branding. The article above from the wonderful folks at Vox reminds me that this is one of the legacies of late market capitalism everyone is merely a sellout but we don’t have interests or passions anymore everything we do or say has to be leveraged for likes and followers. The thing I find most intriguing about this world is the pervasisveness of hucksterism, and just pure fakery. I find people employing awful vague corporte phrases like maximizing productivity to describe their day to day lives.I find people posting shit about how one can leverage their brand to build a following that will lead them to make a living off social media. it is all disgusting but more than anything speaks to just how much consumerism, and capitlism in general has infected every sacred facet of human life. We have all become brands, and as brands your ultimate goal is to sell, sell and sell. Sell agressively, sell even if it means lying and sell with your consumer in mind. I look at myself I truly joined social media to connect with friends, at some point I left Facebook because my conservative family had joined and thewas now on they had an issue with my Halloween costume (Me dressed as a member of De La Soul and my girlfriend at the time in. slutty Nun costume), so I deleted the account and stuck with IG. On IG aI liked sharing music banter, odd ball humour and rap references with my small cast of friends who get it, and I use it to let people know when my radio show is on. My show is decently popular and I dont make a living doing it, I do DJ gigs on the side and I make decent guap doing it but would absolutely never do that for a living. The DJ gig funds the record collecting, and the radio show is a creative outlet that is all it is. I dont give a shit about branding, even though in a sense I am acting like a brand but I am not selling you anything. I put myself out there simply to say hey check out what I am doing and let me know if you fuck with it other than that no biggie. I aint out here saying if you listen to my radioshow your dick will grow bigger, all the chicks will like you and I am offering somekind of solution to one of lifes ills. My purpose is simply to say hey dont know what you doing but tune into my non-commercial uninterrupted absolutley amteurish radio show where you get to hear me play funk, soul, jazz and african music, for its on sake and not to sell but plugs or lawn mowers. The branding shit is particularly insidious because it makes us forget that there was a time when people congregated because they shared deep interests outside of the capitalist objective, think about stamp collectors, book clubs, bowling leagues and in my case a group of guys who drive around the midwest frequenting record stores spending huge amounts of hours scouring dollar record bins for prized records (This is also a dying art but I digress). I think at the heart of it social media has democratized aspects of the creative world. I just want to live in a world where I am not a brand.

[ladala99]

Another Primal cub! This time from an established line - Eclipse.

Though if he becomes king, I probably won't keep his looks - I'll probably use Destiny as a looks replacer.

Other story stuff below the cut:

Some things that are now canon but I didn't/may not have time to write (or did write but felt it was too repetitive from what I already have posted and deleted it. Sorry for any fans of the mind-control descriptions.):

Sunrise got her memory wiped by Ilere while she was still around. Wisdom had no problem with it after his priorities were altered.

Destiny has infatuated every lioness of his generation and routinely picks out one to hang out with and mind-control. They're all into it due to his power.

Destiny prefers lionesses with interesting eyes.

Lightning has the power to connect a lion's power to a physical object, allowing it to be passed to a different lion without Ilere being involved. These powers can only go to lions/lionesses in the same line. Desert's power is being held this way. This is the power she got from Ilere, but she can only enchant objects during November and possibly July.

Sandy wanted to keep Burnout on permanent mind-control following Desert's defeat, but Wisdom put a stop to it. She still used her infatuation power on him to try to get him to do her will, but his sense of self-preservation overcame his renewed intense feelings for her.

And as for going forward looking at this Primal cub of Eclipse's line, I think we have another not-necessarily-evil character! As a refresher, Eclipse had her will quashed/mind wiped due to her scientific curiosity, and that curse did not pass to this cub. He will be incredibly curious with scientific tendencies, and especially from Wisdom's line, he'll be very smart.

He's growing up in November and into December, meaning he's first being surrounded by ancestral influence from lions from before the demonic takeover, followed by NPCs from all over the event cycle appearing in December, leading him to learn about it and its ever-repeating ways. He'll likely be very interested in the event cycle to try to predict and use it to his advantage.

He's going to be favored over Destiny given Primal of a huntress line>non-Primal, but he is of the lineage that is dead last in priority, so if another huntress-line Primal boy is born, he'll be replaced.

[yamahex]

Playboy Image Pt. 2

Contains 17+ Smut

A/N: Shit. Here y’all go I hope you like this more, the beginning is the same as the first one but we ball. I might have went too far at the end, oh well💀

A couple days passed after the argument and Jack still hadn’t called you. Deep down you knew he wasn’t serious about the relationship but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

You rolled over on your bed towards the sound of your phone and your eyes widened at the notification.

champagnepapi:

Aye you should come to this party tonight

(Random Address) @ 10

Hope to see you there

Even without Jack you were known in the social stance, having been a radio host/ influencer. But you never thought that Drake would invite you to a party. You and him had briefly spoken before to set up a interview and he seemed to take a liking to you afterwards.

“Fuck it.”

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself in your house why not feel sorry at a party? Clicking from your keyboard rang out.

I’ll be there

Your eyes glanced at the corner of your phone and saw you only had two hours left to get ready. Then you got off the bed and made your way to the bathroom to shower.

After your shower you did a simple but classy makeup look and put on one of your best dresses. Obviously Jack would be there with it being Drake’s party, so you had to show off. You decided to delete all the pictures of you and Jack off your page before leaving.

The two hours went by fast and soon enough you were pulling up to the address. The valet opened your car door and you marveled at the extravagant house. Your heels clacked against the concrete steps as you walked up to the entrance alongside a bunch of other people.

Immediately you felt out of place, you had connects but this was technically a high profile event. While looking around your eyes fell upon Drake standing next to Jack. Both of their eyes widened and Drake excused himself to walk over to you. Jack’s eyes lingered on your figure, then on the interaction.

“I’m glad you came, you look amazing.” He leaned down to give you a hug, which you accepted.

“Thank you for inviting me! This was very much needed.” His arm wrapped around your shoulder.

“Shit let’s enjoy ourselves then.”

Throughout the night you mingled, drank and danced. It was a much needed relief from your emotions. But every so often you felt eyes on you. And you knew exactly who those eyes belonged to.

He hadn’t stopped looking at you since you entered the party.

“Aye let’s take a pic real quick!” You were pulled out of your thoughts by Drake. A smile appeared on your face as you looked at the camera. You wrapped your arm around his neck and he wrapped his around your waist.

You decided to plant a kiss on his cheek for the picture which Drake absolutely loved.

Jack watched with dark eyes.

After the picture was taken he showed you to get your approval. Your head nodded and he instantly posted it to Instagram and tagged you with the caption:

“WCE”

His arm lingered on your waist and you turned to look at him. You took in his features, suddenly feeling tension build. His eyes raked down your body then connected with yours. He titled his head towards the direction of the stairs and without thinking you nodded.

You took a deep breath as he grabbed your hand and led you up the stairs. Your eyes briefly connected with Jack’s and his expression was filled with utter shock.

The next few moments went by in a flash. All the sudden you were bouncing on top of Drake with your head tossed back in ecstasy. Your moans rang out through the room. Both of your orgasms ripped through your body as you felt his cum spurt inside you.

Jack’s eyes widened with his ear pressed against the door. Were you really fucking Drake right now?? His mind was blank and his heart was racing. His next moves were made off impulse.

The sound of the door swinging open startled you and Drake. Jack walked up to you and pulled you off of him making you feel his semen run down your thighs. You shook yourself out of his grasp and covered yourself with a sheet.

It looked as if steam was coming out of his ears.

“What the fuck Jack, what’s your issue?”

“You’re fucking my girl bro.”

Drakes eyes widened and you turned to look at him.

“I’m single, just like Jack.”

“You’ve gone too far, all this because I won’t post your ass??!”

“This had nothing to do with that Jack, god you’re so selfish. I did this cause I wanted to. Him being your idol just happened to be a extra bonus. Maybe you should think about that next time you try to play someone.” You smirked at him and his eyebrows furrowed in anger. He turned to walk out of the room.

“Hey Jack.” He turned around to look at you. The smirk was still evident as you moved the sheet and allowed him to see the cum running down your legs.

“How’s that for your playboy image?”

[keepingupwithfundies]

we’ve decided to close down the blog

Phew. After nearly five and a half years, I can’t believe I am actually writing this post. But here it is. For the past few months, we’d been discussing officially closing the Keeping Up With Fundies (KUWF) inbox for good. The combination of the increasingly busy lives of the admins with Josh’s conviction for possession of CSAM has led each member of the admin team separately to realize that it was time to close the inbox one last time. 

So, here it is. We’re going to permanently close the inbox on April 17th, in the evening. After that point, we won’t be posting on this blog any longer. This is slightly anti-climatic, due to the lack of posts recently, but we decided we still wanted to take a moment to close this down rather than simply fading away quietly. 

To be clear, though, we aren’t deleting the blog, or the blogspot or anything. We’re going to leave it all up. But there won’t be any new posts and you will no longer be able to send in asks. 

Ok, end of announcement. I’m going to take a second just to share my own thoughts. 

In some ways, this is bittersweet. This blog really has meant a lot to me over the years - especially due to the connections I’ve made with the other admins and other bloggers here on tumblr. The nights spent chatting on the discord, waiting for an announcement. The polls I worked hard on to entertain people throughout the early pandemic. Typing up recaps in between law school classes. Those early days on Skype with Annie, talking through how we wanted the blog to look. I have some really fond memories of my time as an admin.  

However, ultimately, this decision feels very right. First, my life has changed pretty drastically.  I was an undergrad when I joined the blog, and now I’m a practicing lawyer. And second, things for the fundies have also changed very drastically. I feel like 2016, when I joined the blog, felt like the beginning of the fundie influencer era with Jinger’s wedding, and now they’ve all got a vitamin or hair tool to sell you. The shows have come and gone. And Josh’s conviction has made it really difficult at times to follow these families. It is time to shut this door. 

So, thank you for following along with us throughout the years. Even though it feels strange to say given the subject matter, this blog really truly was something special for a while there. 

Below, each admin is going to share their own little piece about their time on the blog. Mary was unable to write an addition to this post, but sends her best wishes to all going forward. And if you’re looking for me, I’ll still be hanging out on tumblr at @keepingupwitht. But my season of life with KUWF is coming to an end, and it was really neat. 

-T 

From Em: 

Thank you to the whole Fundie Tumblr community - collectively we’ve created a really cool place online where we can make friends while safely and kindly deconstruct toxic belief systems around us, be it in our own lives or in our media outlets. That’s super super cool. Thank you for letting me be part of that over the last few years, but most of all, thank you for being my friend. As the last year has unfolded with news from the Duggar (and the Bates) family, I’ve felt a sense of needing space to step out having to watch them so closely. To be able to shift my internal energy, as those families show themselves as a darker force. 

I've been spending my time doing environmental work, nurturing my creativity, volunteering, and rescuing hospice shelter cats - all callings I need to follow. 

I’ll be around here and there on my personal fundie blog @fundietrash and scrolling through fundie news every so often, but I’ll always be grateful for this super unique and wonderful experience ❤️ 

From Suz: 

I am so thankful to have been a part of KUWF and to have worked with my wonderful co-admins. I'm thankful to the Fundie Tumblr community for the insightful discussions, mutual support, and compassion we've maintained for people in spiritually ab*sive situations. In the time that I've been a part of this blog, I've graduated from college and began a lifelong journey of land stewardship and farming. Social commentary on religious fundamentalism will always remain a part of my life, and I will surely carry my experiences from this blog with me. My mom used to lurk in Fundie discourse communities. She has since passed, so I've also been thankful to feel close to her through this process. 

Many of us know the harms of religious extremism and were compelled to discuss these groups and families because of it. As the darker aspects of the families became more apparent, it became more difficult to analyze the reality of their lives and their actions. The hypocrisy, political extremism and ab*se became too dark to comfortably discuss. 

There is hope for the children and adults who are stuck in spiritually ab*sive situations, and there is hope for all of us who have stumbled across this blog during our own religious deconstructions. I hope that this community and the relic of this blog will remain a safe space for people seeking solace in exvangelicalism. I will be around on my personal blog @echoesofthequiver and will remain a part of this community, although in a different capacity. Thank you everyone. 

-Suz

[the-light-of-stars]

idk i'll just write it down, no read more this time cause i don't want this to get deleted like the other one because i dont wanna type it out multiple times. like mentioned for the other post - take this with a grain of salt, as you should everyone's personal opinion, cause erring is human etc etc (kind of wanna make a post about that too):

so the thing about "death of the author" is that it seems like it sometimes gets misinterpreted as meaning "the author sucks and we should treat their work as a separate entity unrelated to them so that we can enjoy it in peace without having to think about the author's bigotry or shortcomings" - an argument i've seen especially often in regards to the Harry Potter books on here but applies to other works and authors as well - and also a dangerous sentiment imo because treating the work as separate from the author isnt suddenly gonna get rid of the bigotry that has already seeped into every line and every fibre of their work, in some obvious and some less obvious ways, but rather what this mindset will achieve is allowing teh reader to ignore these influences of bigotry because 'its ok if i see it as separate from the author and without their influence'. An authors influence is woven through all of their work, even of authors that are trying not to let their own personhood influence their creation (like for example some surrealists claimed to do) , so completelyseparating a work from its authors opinions, experiences and socio-economic circumstances is - imo - impossible.

that said, separating a work from its author in this way is not what "death of the author" is actually about. I am sure others on here have already put it more succinctly but basically "death of the author" means that as a reader you have to rely on your own analysis for interpretation of a work since you (usually) can't just go and ask the author what their intentions for their work were, a circumstance that essentially makes it irrelevant to a reader wether the author is still alive or not, because either way they will not be there to explain their every thought and intention behind each symbolism and metaphor in their work to you.

It means that as soon as it becomes distributed a work becomes separated from its author in the way that it is now open for interpretation for anyone that looks at it, that the author's intent is not the end all be all anymore since individual readers won't be able to always correctly gauge what the intent was anyways (unless an author includes a guide listing every intention and thought behind every single ever so small part of their work with it), that the reader's individual interpretation is subjectively valid and just as valid as the interpretation of every other reader. (although while all readers interpretations are subjectively valid , as they are the only interpretation the reader comes up with in the moment at least and that is something that holds merit, i would argue that there are interpetations that are more objectively true or succinct than others. its the same as with paintings - e.g. one person that doesnt know about the circumstances of the painting's creation might interpret Picasso's Guernica as a representation of depression or inner struggle, which is subjectively a valid interpretation for them as a viewer since it is what they felt when seeing the image and there is intrinsic truth to that connection as far as this individual viewer goes, but objectively this is a painting with a specific historical context intended to portray a specific historical event so the interpretation of it as such is the more "objectively true" one. But still each individual interpretation still is true and valid at the very least as a direct result of the individual viewer or reader's experience)

A book is an orphan in this way - it bears the name of its parent and creator but does not and can not explain the reasoning behind every one of their actions. An author may include a scene or description that may or may not be intended as something carrying symbolism, but wether or not it holds an intention like that is something the reader will never be able to tell with absolute certainty unless they somehow have the opportunity to ask the author about it, which most readers will not have.

Take the infamous "the curtains are blue" for an example: when you as a reader see this description of blue curtains you will not without a doubt know wether this description was meant to hold any symbolic meaning or wether the author added it for as simple a reason as enjoying the color blue and, if it does hold a symbic meaning, you will not without doubt know what the exact meaning the author intended was. You can guess and make logical conclusions based on context of the story, based on its historical and socio-economic background and based on the author's biographical data and their known opinions on things - all of this being part of literary analysis (although ofc you dont necessarily have to know all the context to analyse a work, there's even academic schools that insist you dont need that kind of context at all) - but even the writer of the best most detailed analysis of a work can never be completely certain that their interpretation lines up perfectly with the author's original intent, because in most cases said original intent can't be referenced exactly anymore.

so in conclusion: "death of the author" has to do with literary analysis and isn't a free pass for 'reclaiming' a work by a shitty creator, in fact the creators shittyness cannot be fully separated from their work cause it will have influenced their writing and should be kept in mind while reading and analyzing.

[nightswithkookmin]

MONDAY, JANUARY 18TH: GOLDY'S LOG

I miss Suga. Scratch that. I miss Agust D. My spirit animal.

I've been thinking about him a lot lately, wondering if his injury isn't an exemption to military service. I wonder if he qualifies, in light of his injury, as an able body. I wonder what their law defines as able body.

I wonder if he passed the legal physical exam and health assessment test when he turned 19, since he's had that injury way before debut. Or if BTS have undergone that mandatory military service assessment since they are all past 19 and what their results are.

Jimin has chronic back pain too. That should qualify him for an exemption to military duty. He can still do desk work if it's that serious.

I should talk to ***** and look into South Korea's law on exemptions to military service.

Moon values the arts and culture industry. There's already been an extension for conscription for the benefit of BTS. Their success and longevity in the spot light perhaps influenced this decision. Should BTS maintain this momentum, an exemption would be inevitable I feel.

I miss them. They've been gone for too long. I'm worried about the impact this is going to have on their popularity if they disconnect from fans for so long or be mechanical about the way they connect with their fans.

I hate the limited access to them. But Scarcity increases the value of a product and it's not surprising if this is the approach BigHit is adopting in the wake of the pandemic.

Limited access not only raises value, it creates demand. Bang PD is a bigbrain marketing genius- I hate it.

They are taking a huge risk with this new marketing strategy. Personally, I'd stick to what works but then I am no marketing guru. Just a consumer who likes to play it safe. I guess I won't be getting hired anytime soon. Fuck.

It's all very fascinating.

What's equally fascinating is the shippers out here on these streets. The Jokers.

I... they confuse the hell out of me sometimes.

How are they going to question my rationality when I talk about moments I feel Jikook are having issues in their relationship or had broken up etc but then have no problem with and even applaud that same rationality when I talk about moments that has led me to believe there is lack of depth in Tae Kook's dynamics or that they are not real by any standard or that another ship in BTS isn't real.

Do I have two minds? Or are they more inclined to be selective in their beliefs based on their biases towards Jikook and against other ships? It's weird.

By the same lens I define Jikook as real, I define Tae Kook or any other ship that includes JK and Jimin as not real. And by that same lens if I feel Jikook aren't together then I'm wrong and irrational?

It really confounds me.

Not sure if they expect me to apply double standards to Jikook in those instances.

I don't think there is right and wrong opinions or perspective when it comes to shipping, but I think if they are right about me being wrong about my perspective on Jikook then I must be wrong about my perspective on any other ship in BTS as well.

I can't be right about one and wrong about another. I'm either right about all or wrong about all.

I can't be 'right' about Tae Kook having 'issues' in their bond in such a way I think it often bars them from fully nurturing their bond and developing depth to it but then be 'wrong' about Jikook also having issues that mess with their bond from time to time when it's the same measurement I use in accessing the depth of bond of both ships.

I really don't understand their way of thinking.

What is right and what is wrong and who decides on that?

I think we ought to substitute right and wrong with 'believe and believable.' The approach to such discourse should be about what one is willing to believe or not believe about certain discussions: I believe this. I don't believe that. Because believes stem from our personal biases towards a subject.

And the people that come running to me with 'look, Jikook smiled at each other in On era so change your mind'

I would except I hear this debate all the time. I wonder if they realize they sound exactly like the Tuktukkers in my DMs trying to convince me Tae Kook is real.

'Look Tae sat on JK's laps! How can you say there is no depth to Tae kook' ' He squished JK's cheeks' 'Jk said he wants to ride with Tae, if there was no depth why did he say he wanted to ride with him'

I have a feeling Soft Koo is back. The days of Terminator JK might be over. Too bad, I liked terminator JK. He was a bad ass.

I like that he is experimenting with his looks. But I'm glad his Ravi-esque phase is over. I wonder who he is drawing inspiration from this time. He reminds me of Jimin though. There is something peaceful and serene about his looks.

Can't really tell much because Bighit is sitting on tons of footages. I think I need to send a truck to Bang PD HQ.

I don't like that Jimin posted a Vhopemin photo for Tae's birthday. It was cute and all but I don't like it. That shit felt passive aggressive as fuxk. Lmho. What, he didn't have a V or Vmin photo in his gallery? Sounds like someone didn't put much effort in their VMin agenda for this post.

I wonder if he will keep the same energy come JK's birthday. I mean both him and Tae didn't post for him💀

May be I'm reaching on this one. But a single post where V was not even the focus of the post... I think his birthday means a lot to him and he enjoys when people shower him with love and attention and I don't think his birthday is an exception.

And he kept reiterating after such said birthday how he recently discovered he loves to be loved and how he does most of the things he does in order to be loved by his fans, friends and family.

And it breaks my heart that, the headlines read BTS shower X, Y with love on his birthday but the two people close to him were missing from that list this time. The media talks about BTS posting for eachother as them showering eachother with love. Certainly they all know this.

And the fact Jin posted for Tae after Tae's birthday says a lot about Tae and JK. Tae had no intention of posting perhaps because he left JM a message on the packages. With Jin I feel he was overcompensating for not posting for him on his birthday...

JK gets a pass. If JM wasn't happy about him not posting for his birthday, he would have pulled a Jin.

Jimin talking about coming to the realization he loves to be loved makes me think JK withholding his affections openly made him come to the realization he loves to be loved. Just a hunch. And the only reason JK would withhold his affections is if Jimin himself estopps him. Those two give me headaches.

I think I got the closure I needed from this.

LESSON: dont get on JM's bad side and bloody post for his birthday 💀

Tae been releasing photos of Jimin and Jhope a lot lately. Not sure how that makes me feel either. I think it's beautiful. But when I think about all these beautiful photos he has of Jimin on his phone and how generous he is with them- I think they would have been more meaningful had he released it on JM's birthday. The snow photo he posted still sits in my Vmin heart somewhere.

I really don't like this not posting for each other's birthday business. It's 2021. They need to cut it out.

I feel JK set a bad precedent but personal happiness first so good for him.

This moment haunts me for some reason.

What was going through V's head. I want to know. RM looks done. Lol.

Jimin is really beautiful. I love his eyes when he smiles and the thing he does with his shoulders.

Some people complain I write a lot. Some say I don't write enough. Ayayayai!!!!!!

What to do.

I think I accidentally deleted a post.

I'm looking forward to JKK1. Stay Gold, Still with you, Your eyes tell... I hope he hasn't given his best away cos those were bops.

PJM1... oh God I'm nervous. I'm excited for it but nervous. I think Serendipity is a classic. The Christmas song was equally great and frankly the only good Christmas Ive heard so far and I don't even like Christmas- nothing against Baby Jesus I just think it sucks. That bridge in Dis-ease is something.

I want to read his thoughts. His spotify playlist is insightful but I want to confirm if he really sees himself as a mess who is always causing his lover grief.

I mean he did say he has realized he needs to be considerate towards those that love him. Not sure yet the connection there.

I want to read his thoughts.

PJM1....

I love JHOPE. I think his ship with Jimin is beautiful and healing. They make my insides warm. Not sure if their shippers think they are real. Do they? That would be awkward.

I think RM and Jimin need to spend time together... it would be good for them.

Jimin and Sungwoon shippers are alleging Jimin has been staying with Sungwoon all this while. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

But the bit about him living with Sungwoon before the start of Bon V 4 has me🤔

Around that period, I don't believe JM was at the dorms and Jikook were not together then too. He must have been staying somewhere...

I'll let them have that.

But around November 2019 when he was having issues with JK he was staying with Tae too so no I don't think that means Sungwoon is queer or that Jimin is sleeping with him💀

They need to get out of their imaginations.

I think Jikook will drive me crazy one day.

I can feel my cranium swelling.

JiRose shippers need to pack it up. They really think Jimin is straight? 💀

It's the bad editing for me.

That doesn't look like a straight face to me. Unless his butt was on fire and he was uncomfortable looking at that black interviewer, I think that's his flirting face.

Lately I've been thinking about what ifs.

What if Jikook is not real?

I wish I believed that.

[helena-thessa]

Author’s Note

Heyy 🥰

I wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who’s following me here because of my writing, specifically Beyond the Walls. To not distract from the flow of the story, I tried to limit my author’s note on the final chapter and wanted to write a full acknowledgment note here. 🖤

No, I couldn’t. A pregnant pause, but not from hesitation. You could say I took a gamble.

Levi almost flinches. Erwin’s most recent gamble is the reason he sits alone on the shoreline holding a conversation with a fucking Ghost. Bitterness chokes out even the possibility of speaking aloud.

Too late now, but Levi reminds Erwin all the same. Sometimes the stakes are too high to take risks.

No, Levi. Words hardened by resolve. When the stakes are too high, all you can do is take the risk.

My initial plan was to go through and individually name the incredible people who consistently left comments, or shared really thoughtful insight, or added analysis of canon/my story that brought clarity and encouragement, or sent me ridiculously kind tumblr messages. But I’m really fucking blessed because there are so many of you. Please know, I genuinely struggle to read kind comments and receive compliments, I have to peel my hands off my eyes and coach myself through it lmao, but they seriously mean the world to me. Thank you.

I actually love that I’m embarrassed at how many mistakes I made in the beginning and along the way. I’ve learned so much! Please, no one be shy with your constructive feedback. I am on here to have fun, but also to improve as a writer. 

I’ll be posting an epilogue. The story concludes that Mikasa hasn’t found her purpose, but trusts that she will. I wanted to explore that and show it, though.

In the future, I’ll post some behind the scene thoughts on any hidden gems or unnoticed Easter eggs 😏 and also some deleted scenes. Everything in my blog related to Beyond the Walls is tagged like this post. 

content warning !! mention of abuse and trauma

My intellectual and creative goal was to realistically portray Mikasa and Levi as shown in canon, while expanding on how trauma, for lack of a better phrase, fucks things up. That said, my characterization for Levi was also heavily influenced by Z, my younger brother. I have one biological brother, four adopted sisters, and one adopted brother, Z. Z was three and I was sixteen when he was brought to our home. I remember he kept digging garbage-food out of our kitchen trashcan even though he’d already ate, even though there was food in the fridge and pantry he was allowed to have, even though we promised him he could eat again when he was hungry. I was only a kid myself then, but it was the start of my understanding to that sort of trauma. When you have nothing and have always had nothing, you don’t know that you can ask and you don’t expect more. You only accept what is given to you and you take what you need to survive. How that looked at three and how that’s developed in the decade since for Z, I won’t go into other than what you read with Levi in this story, but I still felt it was important to acknowledge him. 

Lastly on the note of trauma. Joanofsnark commented on Chapter 6: “... you gesture toward a long history of grief, suffering, and missed opportunities for connection”, and I felt like the story was so seen. As the final chapter reveals, none of the story would have happened if Levi and Mikasa hadn’t missed such an opportunity for connection in Chapter 1. This isn’t a sci-fi fic, but the concept is similar: Beyond the Walls is an ‘alternate reality’ that existed because of trauma and that missed opportunity. I don’t know, I’m meditating on that myself still, but I guess what I want to say is that I hope in real life, we can all be bravely vulnerable, believe in second andthirdandfourthandfifth chances, and seek connection even when it’s so hard. 

Okay, I’ve rambled enough. Now, I’m looking forward to causing fun and mayhem in the fandom fuck yeah rivamika smut challenge bby!! and finally reading other rivamika works. Again, seriously, thank you, thank you. 

Don’t be a stranger. 🥰🖤

xo, Lena 

[trishvaylar]

Maybe I just got lucky or maybe not, but I had a post in my drafts, a long one, written in two parts, about Rederina, I finished writing it, posted it but...it just got deleted, with no way for me to get it back unless I am to write it again right now. Well, seeing as there are only a few hours left until the Blacklist return with season 8, episode 03, and I am emotionally very uplifted right now (I was granted someone I love more then life, and that is inspiring, so much so writing a post I just spent over an hour finishing, from scratch, is not an ordeal at all, at least does not look like it anyway🤗) -I shall just do it again!

So, this Rederina post will contain two parts, the first about all the wrong reasons antis hate Rederina and the second about the sheer logic and inner magic and beauty of Rederina!

Shall we begin?

So, the first and foremost reason why there are Rederina-antis is that James Spader is a Man! Oh, of cause, he IS a man, there is no doubt in my mind about this and he has a great sex appeal, which we, women all around the world, feel very acutely. Yes, he is a man, but apart from that, he is although a great actor, whose gift comes from God! He could perfectly play a man who used to be a woman, no questions asked. Why would anyone object to that, if, when James'characters kissed a man in screen in Crash and in TV in the Office, I heard absolutely no objections to his chatacters' bisexualism. I see this as hypocricy and huge double standarts. I could also include an anti reason here that Rederina is anti-transgender. That is just stupid as fuck, because this is about love (Katarina's real reasons for changing her identity, which comes first, and gender switch comes in second, but I would elaborate on this in the second part of the post), not transgender rights I hugely respect.

So, I believe we are done with this reason, lets explore the others. And the top after mentioned above is the Daddygaters' reason. They believe Red is actually the real Reddington, Liz' Father. They create alaborate proofs of their theory, to explain why would Red make Liz believe she murdered her Father by shooting him when she was 4, why his remains were burried then dug up and then burned, if he, Red, was her Father all along. What Daddygaters do not recognize is that their elaborate explanations not only take the sound logic out of the show, but also make Red someone towards Liz he never was - a monster!

I really think this is enough talk about Daddygaters hating on Rederina.

The other reason for the antis is that we had The Witch listed as Katarina Rostova, number 3, on the blacklist. Oh well, this one is a piece of cake. It is a writing ruse used by many writers, ours just used this trick too. The moment I knew Red was an imposter, I knew we had to have an imposter Katarina, making her the name on the blacklist, very high up.

There is another reason, closely connected with the previous one: that Red and Katarina could not be one person, they have to be two people. I think this is very simple - The Witch is not Katarina, because WE KNOW KATARINA LOVES MASHA MORE THEN HER OWN LIFE! The Witch only cared for herself and her own survival, not about Liz. Mothers do not change like this, ever! Who else on the show loves Liz like this? Red, no one else. By that logic Red could ONLY be Katarina, Katarina could ONLY be our Red.

There are other, emotional, or plot-wise reasons for the antis to list, but they are minor and boring, we just talked about everything of any importance at all.

So we could light-heartedly pass to the second part of the post - the logic and inner beauty and magic of Rederina canon.

First and foremost Rederina is beautiful and logical because it tells the story of the greatest love of all, the Mother's love for her child. Look at what Katarina did in order to ensure her Daughter's safety - she forfeited her own identity, her personality, her self, not mentioning her Father, who never accepted the change and saw it as murder of who his daughter was, of her gender, her right to be Masha's Mother, to be with her. She entrusted Masha/Liz to Sam, who would ensure that Liz grew up emotionally safe, well protected, loved, taken care of, growing in the normal, non-criminal environment, with plenty of advise, money, guidince, smoothing the path done by Rederina. Because Katarina never planned to fully dissapear out of Liz' life. As Red (she chose to become Reddington for a few reasons - Reddington already existed, was dead, she knew everything about him, he was the Father of her only Daughter she literally adores, he was a man, by becoming him she could build that criminal Empire to counter any threat to Liz and to keep her, that is, Red, free and a very formidable enemy even in the eyes of the Cabal or anyone ever to try to topple Red or to trace Liz) she still influenced Liz' life, all aspects of it, but to Liz Red was only a notorious criminal, an he had to start from scratch in his relationship with the Daughter. When, in the end of season 7, Red answeres Liz' question by saying "you are the Daughter of Katarina Rostova", that sealed it for me. Liz inherits the Empire as the Daughter of the Mother, not as the Daughter of the Father, because, yes, Red has his name and face, but the soul is the Mother's!

In Cape May, where Katarina went alone 25 years ago, she tried to decide how to protect Masha. She was there alone. After "loosing" Liz Red goes to Cape May to try and find the spirit of the Woman, to ask one question - had his becoming Red to protect Liz failed to keep her from dying. His inner self, Katarina, could not answer that question, so Red goes to Dom, to THE PARENT, to try and get that answer. Eventually Dom and Aram lead Red to a belief Liz did not die as the result of that faithful choice.

We know Liz did not die, she tried to protect her own Daughter - Red understood, forgave without any discussion (but he did not forgive Mr Kaplan for hurting the Mother's heart), just stopped calling her Lizzy, for she is trully an adult in his eyes now. Red keeps forgiving, understanding, accepting Liz as only a Parent would. Those who wish Red to emotionally abandone Liz, they would never have their way.

I decided not to mention the romantic anti-rederina reason because that is soooo perverted in my mind I just can not bring myself to counter that with serious arguments. Romantic love is keen2 on the show, with the potential keenler, but romance between parent and child? No thank you! But having started the thread of emotional abandonement, I had to mention this one moment too.

So, Red seeks emotional support and advice from KATARINA'S FATHER? When it is a Parent Red needs? I mean, how more obvious could this get?

Then there is the fact that everything Liz ever finds out about her Mother, comes from Red. He tells Liz about what Katarina feared, how she loved Liz' Father, what she felt while being pregnant, what she felt after Masha was born, the photograph, of her and Masha, that her Mother is in her, even the diary and the time machine Liz got from Kirk - Kirk only came back into Liz' life thanks to seeing Liz and Red on TV together while they were on the run. The way Kirk and Red talk about Katarina is also very telling - Kirk tells what he remembers, and Red just adds personal details to what Katarina did, things only Katarina would really know. And Kirk would only accept help, the cure, from Katarina, for he knows - in her own way she cared...she cares still. That was one huge clue for me as to Rederina canon; Cape May was another; Dom was the next; even The Witch was just another clue.

Liz will know, eventually, who Red really is, and I hope she will hear it from him and all of us will:

I AM YOUR MOTHER!

That would be the most epic moment in the history of all the TV-shows in the last thirty years. Because that would prove the existance of the greatest love of all - the transending, unconditional, sucrificial, all-encompassing love ever existing in the world! The Blacklist, the show which is an ode to what makes our world worth living in: this kind of love which makes us human!

@katarinas-redemption with love and gratitude

[fatalism-and-villainy]

Nobody asked for a Qi Ye reaction post but here one is nonetheless (at almost 1500 words.... hello.)

[~spoilers~]

One of the first things I can say is that I love love LOVE Priest’s writing style. It’s hard to say how much of this is a translation thing, because I did get the vibe that this translation was a lot smoother and better than the other cnovel translations I happen to have read. But god!! Her style is very densely allusive, and a challenge to follow at times, but so so beautiful. The story’s narration also shifts perspective a lot in the middle of chapters, which gives it this almost cinematic bird’s eye effect for me (except with internal-emotional states more than visuals). I can see it being the kind of thing that might bother people, but I love it – and I think that it ties in with the themes about the ephemerality and impermanence of life, and the way these little moments are all part of a much bigger sphere of existence.

I also like the way she does humour more than MXTX, honestly? I find the slapstick humour in MXTX’s works to be overdone and distracting from the other story and characterization work going on in her works. Whereas here, the humour landed more and also felt like it tied in more with the actual development of character and themes. Like, for instance, Liang Jiuxiao’s battle with the sable wherein he gets scratched every time and exhausts Beiyuan’s entire supply of antidote – it’s over the top, but also genuinely funny to me, AND I feel the comedic setup of Liang Jiuxiao constantly being an unwanted visitor contrasts very well with the entire heartbreaking scenario involving Beiyuan drugging him for Zhou Zishu, as well as his general progression from a Pure of Heart, Dumb of Ass archetype to being completely shattered by the evil and corruption in the world.

(The Sex and Kissing stuff is also, imo, more sensual and generally hotter to me than MXTX’s stuff – not trying to pick on her specifically, she’s just my only point of comparison for these novels.)

The main romance is ehhh… Mixed Feelings? I loved Wu Xi in all the parts he wasn’t playing the role of “love interest who expresses their love via violent jealousy”, but the parts where he WAS…. woof. Like, I don’t necessarily mind jealousy when it’s internal sensations, or when it’s a very intentionally fucked up dynamic, but I like it less so when it’s couple who’s riding off into the sunset and are the only foil to the general aura of melancholy and sadness in a story? Really hope that’s a one-off specific piece of characterization and not a general Thing for Priest…

I did actually like the gradual development of Beiyuan’s feelings, and the way there’s no Big Moment of Realization – or rather, there is a moment of realization, but it’s not super dramatic, it’s just sort of settling into something that’s been there awhile.

Another problem with their relationship for me though, I think, is how rushed the denouement of the book is, and how many important things are glossed over. Like, okay, they’re riding off into the sunset, but are they actually going to talk about the fact that Beiyuan seduced Wu Xi for Deception Purposes and then drugged him…? Taking advantage of Wu Xi’s very earnest and intense feelings in the process? Like, they stay in the capital for three months of negotiations before they leave, all while Wu Xi hides Beiyuan in his house – there must have been conversations and Relationship Negotiations? And yet we don’t See any of that, we’re just treated to them riding off in a carriage with some cheeky little line about how Beiyuan has the rest of his life to make things up to Wu Xi (presumably by having rough sex)… like ok.

The racism… there was a lot of it in the presentation of Nanjiang! I think the thing that stood out to me though was the line about Wu Xi’s having a kind of intuitive understanding of how people are (an intuition attributed to children, even!) despite not being cultured – it slots so perfectly into the kind of colonial propaganda that posits colonized people as having this innate, intuitive understanding of the world or connection with nature or what have you – but of course they’re not mature, they’re not cultured, they don’t have the capacity for rationality, that we do. To be fair, the line I’m thinking of is also applied to Liang Jiuxiao, but it is of a piece with how Nanjiang is characterized throughout the novel – like, oh, they’re so simple! When they like someone they just get married! It’s presented as a romantic ideal, but in a way that portrays Nanjiang as being Simple and Rustic and lacking the cultural complexity of the Great Qing. (Especially since we b a r e l y see the country or its people on the page.)

(Not to mention the way Wu Xi’s bodyguards from Nanjiang are portrayed as being confused and grossed out by him being in love with a man – contrasted with the commentary about how commonplace sex between men is in the Great Qing. Feels very like Nanjiang gets cast as less “enlightened”?)

I think those elements are also part of why the romance doesn’t fully stick its landing for me – because Wu Xi does take in and consider Great Qing cultural stuff, and incorporate it into his worldview alongside the influence of his home culture – and we don’t see Beiyuan doing something similar in return. He wants to leave for Nanjiang in part because he’s exhausted with capital politics and wants freedom, but why Nanjiang specifically? What does the country mean to him? How’s he actually going to fit in there? (This is another thing that also could have been filled in more with more actual writing about what goes down after that final battle.)

I honestly was deeply moved by Helian Yi. I shed literal tears for that man on multiple occasions. I do feel like I would have benefitted from more actual exploration of his past life-relationship with Beiyuan? Because as it was, I felt like that aspect of Beiyuan’s characterization was kind of informed rather than fleshed out – what did he see in Helian Yi in the first place? And I think the unrequited love would have been more poignant if we’d had more flashbacks to when it was requited.

Also, the possible-incest reveal?? What even was the point of that…? (I know people have posited that that’s why Helian Yi originally had Beiyuan killed, but with that final deleted-on-JJWXC extra I feel like it’s meant to be that he thought Beiyuan was responsible for Su Qingluan’s death. Another thing that should have been elaborated on, plot-wise…)

In general, the ending was very rushed. It gave me distinct “project due the next day” vibes.

ZHOU ZISHU!!!! – my main emotional engagement with this, tbh. I loved what was done with him, loved getting to see more of the atrocities he was behind (haha), loved the chilling “ends justify the means” ideological track he was on, loved how enmeshed he was in Hierarchy and political intrigue and how Carefully he handled himself around his social superiors… yeah.  

I am also…. Also losing my mind over the entire Vibe between Zhou Zishu and Liang Jiuxiao. Misplaced devotion… broken pedestals… weird subtextual hard-to-define Feelings... selfishly wanting to hide the worst parts of yourself from someone…. Ahhhhh it’s good. Love those intricate complex homoerotic friendships. If there Exists any fic (whether platonic or less so) that anyone wants to rec… pls do 👀

I have to say, another problem I had with the ending was that I don’t think the tonal dissonance was well-balanced. Like, there’s a very melancholy atmosphere for pretty much everyone except the main couple, and I do understand that their getting away from the capital is the only thing that engenders that happiness (as a big theme of the book is that the politicking in the capital is exhausting and demoralizing – and to my understanding that is similar to the themes at work in Faraway Wanderers.) But I don’t feel as though those two streams were working in communication with each other in the final chapters – I would say that the cutesy scenes with the main couple just felt jarring in contrast to the sadness and regret that permeated the rest of the narrative. I think perhaps they were too saccharine, rather than emphasizing escape and looking forward to different possibilities? I’m not sure. (It also seems questionable to present Nanjiang as an Escape, given that Wu Xi is in charge now?? They’re still right in the thick of politics?) Anyway, this all is why I like the placement of that final extra at the end of the narrative, because it Is a turning back to melancholia that I like to see during nominal happy endings.

[l0chn3ss]

l0chn3ss update

I feel like the last time I ever really active on tumblr was in the year 2016, so i want to address my absence between 2017-2020. Part of it is because I feel like I owe it to my friends and mutuals who I just basically left on read and another part is because I’ve always treated this blog as a personal blog that documents my life and my growth. I put off writing this for a long time but now that I have a huge paper due, now is definitely the time.

You are welcome to skip but I will address a few hard hitting questions I feel should be answered, especially since I feel like I departed like an anti-hero of a bad tv show.

Where I am currently: I am in grad school to obtain a master’s in library and information science. I have a full time job at different middle school libraries, though I work from home now. I also tutor kids on the side to pay for my tuition because I basically make minimum wage. Quarantine messed with my head at first, but now I’m feeling much better and I’m trying to reconnect with friends and close a lot of loose ends.

TLDR: I took an extended break because tumblr mobile sucks and my laptop needed serious repairs. I made a huge migration away from social media in 2018. I prioritized my education and in-person connections, which fell to shit because of my fandom involvement in the past. I did not like the direction of the main fandom I participated in and knew that many of the people I once respected did not respect me in return/ Us versus them mentality. I recognized that I treated my life on tumblr too seriously and took petty drama personally. I am sporadically on tumblr now because I genuinely enjoy the social connection and because I still like running fandom events.

Yes, you can reblog this. I’d love for this narrative to be heard.

Long version: To preface this, this post is being written to give myself closure and because I really am procrastinating on my final big paper of this semester. I’ll be tackling on the points in the tldr in a longer narrative that will appear to be in an expository fashion, which I recognize will be a source of contention, but my intentions are to throw it onto the table so that I can be freed. I can let it go and move on. I’m no longer a 20 years old who cared too much of what other people think and will think; I think differing perspectives are important and I want to give myself a chance to say my piece. That and I recognize that I lost the audience that I once had, so I doubt this will be an issue at all. It’s been 4 or what ever years, let’s just not.

Back in 2015-2016 there was a huge back and forth between three groups of people in the SE fandom. The reason why I’m not listing out the name is because I don’t want this to show up in the tags. I’d say that the three groups could be seen as quite literally the soma shippers (mostly white, demi sexual girls), lgbt centric bloggers (very kid or star oriented, very fed up with soma), and the people who were deemed as alright to soma shippers (c r ona, ste inm arie, jac k im centric people). There was a constant (and understandable) tension between the first two groups while the third was like the weird cousin that everyone in the social circles liked because they sprinkled in soma for the masses. Don’t argue with me on this-- this was literally how the fandom was in 2015 and you know it.

The main issue was that one group felt that they were being inclusive towards identities and sexualities while the other felt that they were not. I remember that one of the arguments was that soma WAS an LGBT ship because people headcanonned the members to be demisexual. However, the other side of the argument was that it wasn’t good representation of a gay pairing. Now that we can look back at this 5 years later, I have two things to say: 1, I now very much understand why the argument broke out because of how heated the topic is, and I do believe that I lean more towards the “other side” now that I’m not wearing rose tinted glasses, but 2, I need to make it clear that demi people are lgbt, but a headcanon is not fact and ship diversity was the main question at hand, not the ship itself. This argument lasted for weeks, destroyed my friendships, and no matter what I felt I did in the moment (which was to mend the fandom), it was taken as an insult.

(Side note: Somethings that I remember was being in someone’s DM’s to encourage them to participate in the large fandom events more, but once they twisted my intentions and rallied their friends, I became their enemy. I also became the mods’ enemy but then again, when was I not? I was made fun of for saying “queergender,” a term that is now currently being widely used, quite openly by someone I wanted desperately to be friends with. I was outwardly mocked by popular users who only apologized behind closed doors but didn’t bother to clear things up with their followers. Adults who were in their 30s quite literally attacked a 19 year old. It was in that moment that I realized I would never become friends with either side, and not because I didn’t want to.)

I bring this up because as I begun to stop writing soma fics, I also begun to see and understand why people moved away from it. It wasn’t the ship itself, it was the culture surrounding it. However, on tumblr we have the ability to connect intensely with the content we produce. Therefore, the ship itself began to be connected with the shippers and their attitudes towards outside pairings-- that attitude being tied into elitism.

I say this with every ounce of love I can because I once had the exact same mannerism. When you become so tied into one pairing to the point where other ships appear to threaten the existence of it and you react negatively towards it, you become rancid. The popular tag “everything is soma” takes a very dark turn. Even if readers consume another pairing’s work, they will be obliged to say “I ship soma more BUT that was cute.” They will read an entirely different topic and wonder why soma wasn’t inserted into it in the background. They will reject pairings that separate the two as if breaking them up is sin and an insult.

The only reason why I stopped writing my soma fics in 2016 was because I saw a real need to fill in the gaps of other pairings. I took what people were saying to heart and I wanted to change my ways and my perceptions. I saw the animosity of the ship culture and rejected it. I wanted to use what little influence I had to make the fandom just a bit more accepting. In 2016, I don’t think the fandom was ready for it. In 2017, they still weren’t ready for it. In 2020, I see hope, but I wonder sometimes if it’s masqueraded pity because of previous treatment.

In the middle of it all, I went from being the soma angst master to becoming the weird person everyone once knew. I was the friend that people excluded from group chats and I just “wasn’t the same.” Cliques grew extremely large in power in 2017 and exclusion hurt like a bitch.

The straw that broke the camel’s back and completely shut me down was in 2017 when I was graduating as a bachelor. There was a fandom event that I decided to go all in to. For context, there used to be a huge debate on how many times a person should enter in an event, but in my mind, the more exposure the better. My graduation and the event took place at the exact same time, which was cool, but what hurt me was what happened after.

I was lucky enough to be accepted into field school (when you travel to do outdoor excavating) for my major. I’m an anthropologist-- it was an honor. I didn’t plan in advance for it, and if anything, I thought that I would be committed completely to the events and my 5 or what ever entries at the time. I’ve always prided myself in communicating with others, so I made sure to let my partners in the event know what was going on. I was so excited to be going on my first ever excavation and no one at the time said anything otherwise, in fact, they all seemed incredibly supportive. 

What I didn’t know was that I would be called out by name in the event feedback response by one person who felt that I didn’t take the event seriously enough and that I should’ve prioritized my time accordingly. Two of the mods let me know because it referred to me directly, though the name of the submitter was not included. It was not only a slap in the face, but a dumbfound moment that reminded me that wow, fandom content really is someone’s life out there. My enforced silence because of lack of internet in the woods actually upset someone and made them believe that I wronged them, because I put my real life ambitions first before a fandom event.

It was then when I woke up and I remember very clearly thinking to myself: I don’t want to be like them. I don’t want to treat my fandom life seriously. I want to participate in fandom for fun, not out of duty. I don’t want to prioritize this life because in the end, if I am hated for putting my work and education first, then I don’t want it.

(For context, I suspect that it was the same person who made a 200 note call out on me during the fandom tension. I respected this person immensely, but I also treated them like the flawed person I believe everyone is. I’m sure because of this, I’m pretty much trash in their eyes, which is totally fine. They have really cute cats so they can’t be all too bad. Don’t look into it too deeply.)

Once my month long field school was up, I was already used to not being on the internet or any of my social media accounts. I didn’t play my mobile games for a month. I didn’t read the news for a month. It was like going cold turkey on the internet, which reshaped my habits entirely. The only time that I had online within that time span was during the weekend, but I spent my time working on my projects and catching up with friends instead of being on apps.

I was also completely fed up with tumblr’s mobile app at the time, so one by one, I deleted my apps. Good bye to tumblr, snapchat, what little I used of instagram, twitter, everything. The only thing I kept was facebook, which was because it is the main platform that I use to message my boyfriend. That meant that any friends I retained from the fandom (who I still contact now) were also friends who had the chance to add me on facebook.

This was the cause of my 2 or 3 year hiatus on tumblr, and therefore the fandom. I occasionally checked back every 6 months to do a few fandom events, but I have several unopened messages and notifications that I haven’t been able to get to. I open my instagram for a few days once a year, and I only go onto twitter if my friends tell me (through facebook) that they dm’d me a post there.

When I left my online persona behind, I quickly strengthened my in person connections. New drama that erupted every other day became replaced with starbucks and boba runs. Reality TV shows replaced fanfiction. Text messages replaced the tumblr activity feed (which still doesn’t work on mobile BTW). I study at cafes unironically with friends instead of typing alone in my room. Overall, it opened my world considerably.

I still like making fun of myself and I try not to take myself seriously. I still make self depreciative memes to send to friends but then double up with kermit heart pics. I’m still a plot bunny, I still write my fics, I still watch my anime, I still play video games, I still sleep at 4am, I still take my depression medication, I still love potatoes, I still use my voice for people who can’t find theirs yet. But I think I’m in a much healthier mindset now, even if I still make stupid shifty posts calling out bad behavior.

Nowadays, I’m working on my Master’s degree in secret. My parents don’t know about it because my mom doesn’t like that I want to go out and do unladylike things like getting an education. I tutor kiddos and I’m really good with younger children, but I’m not going to do anything with kids because I just don’t want to. Instead, I want to work at an archive or a museum to bring my library interests and my anthropology background together. If I had my dream job, I would be a marine archaeologist; however I love my boyfriend of 8 years whom you probably all remember and I really came to terms with my grandeur dreams. I’m extremely happy with living in a small town with loved ones now, and I don’t need to move somewhere far away from my parents to be content. It’s a huge realization.

From 2018 to 2020 I got into actual drama in person while I was job hunting. Adult people suck and honestly it’s kind of embarrassing how ill equipped some people are. Even so, I currently work in middle schools as a media assistant. One of those realms is the library, and honestly it’s like fulfilling a prophecy. As much as I love the social aspect, public schools are an absolute train wreck.

I’m going to wrap this up now. This post is meant to help me close the past and move forward because the fandom culture feels different now. Things from several years ago don’t need to resurface. I want to enjoy my life fully, and fandom life is one of those aspects that I truly did enjoy. I’m going to keep using my voice and act like a fool, but I’m also not going to be losing sleep because of this. People are going to talk about you no matter what, whether positively or negatively, and it’s important to not take it personally.

Idk, go enjoy yourselves. Do things for yourself. It’s more fun that way.

[sugasgrowl]

Duplicitous [Chapter 4: Shanghai]

So I already posted this and typed everything out and then tumblr decided to be a cock and delete everything except the title of this. @staff​ sit and spin on it fellas your website is a shitshow. Anyway, I need to disclose that this is a work of fiction. None of the actions taking place in this story do I agree with or believe are true representations of these idols’ characters. Read with discretion and pls be nice to me lol

AO3 link: here

Series Masterlist

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 

Pairing: Jungkook x named OC (Oh Nari), Jooheon x named OC (Oh Nari)

Genre: Mafia au, multigroup (Bangtan and Monsta X focused. A few other idols mentioned.)

Word Count: 8165

Warnings: Guns, knives, alcohol use, smoking, Taehyung loses his shit, mental breakdown, mentions of death, a little bit of gore, blood, blood play, smut, unprotected sex, creampie, toxic relationships, fingering, physical abuse and emotional manipulation, strangulation, public sex, Jooheon is a MASSIVE piece of shit, there’s probably more but tumblr deleted this and I had to retype everything :’) Just read with caution. This chapter is intense.

Fic Summary: For the past eight years, Oh Nari has not existed. Instead of being a person, she has been a shadow eternally indebted to the Monsta X crime family for getting her off the streets and away from her murderous father. But when using her skills in covert operations to help take down a rivaling mafia known as Bangtan, information comes to light that changes everything she’s ever known. Loyalties are tested, alliances are formed, and lives are at stake as Nari fights for family, truth, and freedom from the duplicitous life she’s been forced to live.

Chapter Summary: Taehyung discovers the truth about Leah’s death. Nari faces a problem of her own.

The last time Nari was on an airplane, she was coming back to Korea from Thailand. After going through with a hit Jooheon put out on Lalisa Manoban. She was the rich and powerful heiress to the Manoban mob that had connections out the ass that were beginning to bleed into Korea, and, therefore, Monsta X territory. He wanted Lisa gone, and Nari had been there to serve. The poor girl was wiped off the planet less than five minutes after she and Nari stumbled into her penthouse suite. 

That was probably a week before she came to take down Bangtan. Now, just a few months later, she was stepping off of Bangtan’s jet and mentally preparing herself to attend a gala in hopes of finding a supplier who would work with them to ensure that their deal with Choi went through. Everything felt different. She even seemed to look different, face just a little fuller and a softening around her eyes that she prayed Jooheon would never notice. 

Everyone was sluggish and tired as they shuffled off the plane, all carrying hanging bags full of formalwear. The sun was just beginning to sink below the horizon in an exhausted stupor, throwing shadows long and dark across the asphalt. Most of them were too focused on getting in the right headspace to chatter and banter as they usually would. Things had to go well so that the deal could be successful. So that Choi would fork over the money. So they could keep Choi’s men out of their hair and prevent any mishaps where he thought he had the upper hand or more power. 

Yoongi’s phone call with Kim’s associate, Zhang Yixing, got them rooms in the hotel where the event would be held. Though they weren’t staying in Shanghai after the gala, they happily agreed to use the rooms to relax and get ready beforehand. 

Zhang had arguably more power and influence than even Kim, due to the fact that he inherited one of the most successful businesses in China and was sitting pretty in the CEO position. He had people licking at his feet both in the office and when he left to go manage his weapons trade--the side business he ran in the same circle as Kim. Younger, more business savvy, and more professional than his late associate, Zhang was not one to underestimate. 

Nari had a bad feeling about how the night was going to go. 

She didn’t know why. Maybe it was because it was so last minute and she had no time to read up on Zhang Yixing. She knew he wasn’t one to trifle with, but she knew less than she had ever known about someone Yoongi was working with or was going to work with. All she knew was that the gala they were attending may as well have been a convention for the god knows how many men Zhang had important connections to--the whole event flying under the radar because of the way he advertised it as a charity ball hosted by his company. There were too many uncertainties, as far as Nari was concerned. She didn’t like the fact that she knew so little. She hated feeling helpless. She needed to be the most informed, have the most intel, and be the most prepared. It was how she was trained.

But if Yoongi trusted the situation, she would stand down and trust his instincts. 

Blessed (or cursed, depending on who you ask), Nari had a room of her own. She appreciated the silence, but a part of her wished that she had someone to keep her company. It was bordering on too quiet, like she was truly and completely alone in the world. She could nearly hear her heartbeat as she finished her makeup, eyes smoked black and sultry, and lips glossed like they’d never kissed the cheeks of men from whom her hands had stolen final breaths. The silk of her dress brushed across her skin like champagne kisses, the corseted bodice hugging her waist and making her look more like a woman than she felt. The silk straps fell off her shoulders, and the flowing skirt slit to her upper thigh in a way that made her feel almost as exposed as knowing next to nothing about what was to happen that night. 

If she had seen herself through someone’s else’s eyes, she would have thought she looked like a goddess. And truthfully, she knew she did. But she wished she could just be bare and faceless at home with the guys while they ate at Sejin’s instead of going in blind to visit a lion’s den. 

A knock on her door drew her away from the mirror. As she turned the knob, her worries melted away, only to be replaced by the persona Bangtan needed her to take on. The persona that she needed to be.

All seven of the others were standing outside her door--all seven looking dashing in tuxes. 

Yoongi jerked his head. “Let’s go.”

And with that, Nari grabbed her clutch and headed out the door. 

She walked alongside Yoongi with her head held high. For some reason, she felt like she was entering battle. She didn’t know why. There was no intention of a fight, no intention of murder. At least not tonight.

The weight of someone’s gaze fell heavily on the side of her face, and she pulled her eyes from the nothingness she’d been focused on before. Yoongi was wearing an expression she couldn’t quite read. As if he could hear her thoughts, he looked ahead again and cleared his throat, thumb jamming into the button to call the elevator. “I’m assuming you’re armed.”

The chill of her knife’s handle grew frigid against where the holster sat on her inner thigh.

“Always.”

“Good.” He led her into the tiny space by the small of her back once the doors slid open. “Just in case. You never know. I think we’re all hiding a weapon or two.”

The sheer mass of their party meant breaking into groups of four and taking two separate elevators. Made them less conspicuous. That part made her nervous, mainly because they didn’t know what awaited them on the first floor, and being split up meant possible weakness. She was going to have to trust that everyone could fend for themselves. She locked eyes with Jungkook as the doors slid shut, and as the car began its descent down to the first floor, she felt her heart skip. God, she hoped he knew how to defend himself. 

Namjoon shifted from foot to foot with strong hands clasped under his navel. He gave Yoongi a quick glance. “I don’t have a good feeling about this.”

Shit. So maybe she wasn’t crazy after all.

“Namjoon, trust me,” Yoongi stubbornly spoke, eyes staring at the polished reflection of himself in the golden walls. “I’ve never led you into something that we couldn’t handle.”

“We don’t know anything about Zhang. He could be leading us right into something.” His deep voice was low, almost like he was scared someone was listening. “Who does he even work with? What type of people are we dealing with? What do we know about this guy?”

“The kind who will keep Choi from trying to start a war over some stupid guns.” Their leader turned and looked up at the younger man. “Kim is dead because of our own. It’s been a hard few days. I’m doing my best.”

The ding of the elevator was too cheerful and grating for the frayed nerves buzzing beneath Nari’s skin. If Namjoon didn’t feel good about it, Nari certainly didn’t, either. He was smarter than her, and he knew the workings of Bangtan better than she did. If he felt there was reason for worry, there should probably be reason for worry. Even if it was over something small. Even if Yoongi said otherwise. 

“Jin, Hoseok, and I will go straight to the conference room to meet with Zhang,” Yoongi said as he stepped out the second the doors were parted enough for him to fit through. “The rest of you keep an eye on the ballroom. Make sure there’s nothing shady in the works. Eat, drink, and be merry. Just be alert.”

Hoseok nudged Nari forward with his shoulder, hands shoved deep in his pockets. When she looked back at him, his befreckled mouth curved into a smirk. “Showtime, princess.”

Namjoon eased out of the corner of the elevator and looked down at her with a half smile. There was a tightness in his eyes that she felt to her core as he held up his arm for her to take, “We’ll see how this goes.”

“We’ll be fine,” she assured, linking her arm in his and taking a deep breath. The echo of her heels on the marble flooring set her on edge, but the warmth radiating off of Namjoon’s large frame at least made her feel somewhat centered. “We know what we’re doing.”

They could hear the dull roar of the crowd before they set foot through the doors of the ballroom. Draped in ornate gold to match the rest of the hotel, the added decorations for the “charity ball” made it feel almost gaudy and overwhelming. Countless people clumped together and slowly made their way around the art installations that lined the walls. Some made their way through the line for food or alcohol. Relaxed jazz played by a man seated at a grand piano to the side of the room, his eyes seeming to droop out of sheer boredom. They slowly followed the flow of people, though the pace was nearing a crawl. 

Jungkook, Taehyung, Jin, and Jimin appeared out of thin air, Jin scurrying to meet Hoseok and Yoongi where they waited. The first of the four donned a slightly annoyed expression. “Thanks for waiting.”

“You took too long,” Namjoon deadpanned as he pulled Nari’s arm from his. “I’m going to do a sweep and get a feel for the people here. Maybe see if I can pick up any useful information.”

Jimin plunged his hands into his pockets and strolled after him, that trademark sway in his step. “I’ll come with. No one should go off alone.”

They disappeared into the crowd without so much as a second look.

Taehyung prodded Nari with his elbow in an offering of his arm and waggled his eyebrows at her. “Shall we make our way to the bar, my queen?” 

She snorted but took his arm anyway. “Yes, squire. Take my arm.”

The three of them made their way to the heavily stocked open bar, eyes and ears open for any possible threats amongst the two or three hundred people gliding around the ballroom in their floor length gowns and their overpriced tuxes. 

As glints of diamonds and pearls glimmered before her eyes in a sea of shine, she wondered how many of them had tasted suffering. She wondered how many had the luxury of not knowing what their fathers’ knuckles tasted like. What their mothers’ blood smelled like. Assuming that the answer was slim to none, white hot anger bubbled and stirred in the pit of her stomach. In her life, Nari never wanted, but she surely suffered. The fact that there were people so stupidly unaware of what pain was made her rabid.

Had Jooheon? Had he suffered? Had he felt pain, or had he always been a monster? She always thought that monsters were made, not born, but when trying to imagine Lee Jooheon enduring hardships at any point in his life, she drew blanks. All memories she had of him involved him building pain and resurrecting fear. 

God was to the universe what Jooheon was to suffering.

“Nari?” Taehyung asked, brows pulled low as his dark eyes searched her face. “Did you see something?”

She had to stop. She had to focus. Thinking about him would only make her emotional in the worst way.

She sipped the liquid gold from the cool flute in her hand, forcing her face to relax and all the bitterness to retreat into hiding. Slender fingers twitched in search of a relief only nicotine could bring. Mentally, she cursed Jungkook for getting her hooked. Her head shook. “All clear. You see anything?”

“Nope.” He swiveled around in his barstool to face the crowd, elbows resting on the slick of the bar. “I don’t think this lot has the stones to be a threat.” Jungkook jerked his chin in the direction of the security lining the perimeter of the room. A valley deepened at his brow. “The rich bitches might not, but they do. But I don’t figure they’ll make a scene unless they have to. Still, we can’t be sure.”

Nari knew Jungkook was right. Yet still, that nervous feeling of impending doom loomed over her head. It had her leg shaking and her eyes flitting from face to face in the mass of bodies meandering across the marble floors. Made her teeth grind like a bad night’s sleep. She had no reason to have the hairs at the back of her neck prickling the way that they were. Maybe Yoongi and Zhang would come to an agreement soon and they could go back home. Back where it was safe.

Reaching over into the inside pocket of Jungkook’s dinner jacket, Nari looked into his eyes and held up his pack of cigarettes between two fingers. “We’ll have clearer eyes without cravings.”

And without a single opposition, the three of them were strolling towards the terrace.

Namjoon met them just as they stepped into the warmth of the night, a strange look in his eye and his jaw clenched. Jimin’s inky black eyes jumped nervously around their surroundings, and his hand was precariously hovering over the waistband of his pants. He itched to draw his gun. 

Joon tugged Taehyung closer to the four of them by the sleeve of his jacket. He leaned close enough that Nari could smell the spice of his cologne. “Be civil. We aren’t the only family here tonight.”

Nari blinked, not computing. She’d seen no one. She’d heard nothing of any other crime family being at that event. Why didn’t she know? The prickles at the nape of her neck turned into currents of electricity crawling across her skin.

She opened her mouth to ask for more details when a glacial chill crept across the terrace. A familiar change in the air. That knowing drop in her stomach. Like mercury in a thermometer. She knew before she heard his voice.

“Isn’t this a lovely surprise.” Jooheon spoke from across the way, voice eerie in the way that it was kind but in no way genuine. In no way warm. The rest of Monsta X leisured on the designer furniture, demeanor relaxed and unbothered. But Nari could see their eyes. They glowed. She knew that look all too well. “To be here at the same time as Bangtan. What a coincidence.”

His eyes bore into Nari as he sauntered closer. She felt like her heart was rattling the cage of her ribs, trying desperately to free itself. Her palms sweat. Why was he in Shanghai?

Don’t be stupid. He’s here for you. The thought made her knees threaten to give out. Somehow she kept her composure and sent a polite smile.

“And who is this?” Pools of burning tar lingered on her every curve. Eyes anchors pushing her head underwater. He was drinking her in. Or more likely, like he was scouring her for any sign of betrayal. “What is someone so beautiful doing with amateurs?”

“Funny. It seems Bangtan is dominating the market right now.” She curtly said, gaze cold. An unhinged part of her brain let the truth speak. Her eyes held Jooheon’s. “I’m sorry. Who are you? I don’t appreciate strangers insulting my family and our business.”

“Lee. This is Oh Nari. The Oh Nari.” Namjoon made no move to come closer or create distance, but he was tense. Coiled and ready to strike at any given moment. Like he half expected Jooheon to try to slit her throat right then and there. 

Truthfully, so did she.

He stepped closer so that he skirted on being uncomfortably close. Nari’s body betrayed her in the ache of her chest and the heat prickling between her legs. He was so close to her. Half of her fought the urge to wrap her hands around his throat. Half of her wanted him to do the same to her. To kill him or to love him. That was the constant battle she fought. 

Jooheon’s lips stretched into a cunning smile, ends of his mouth curling like wisps of smoke. “What a shame we missed the opportunity to work with you. Your loyalty and insight could take us miles ahead of our own records.”

She spent eight years completely in tune with Jooheon. Saying those words was like swallowing vinegar for him. If she squinted, she could just make out the subtle clench of his jaw.

Jooheon gently took her hand, gaze coy. Crisp lines of black ink lay emboldened against the skin of his wrist, peeking out from the sleeve of his expensive suit. A jolt of electricity shot from her fingertips to her shoulder when he pressed his lips to her knuckles. It rattled her up to the scalp. “If you ever tire of working with dogs, feel free to contact me.”

“I’ll keep that in--”

A crash sent her reaching for the knife that sat like lethal ice on her inner thigh. Every sense was on edge, every hair standing on end as she whirled around to find the source. Jimin, Jungkook, and Namjoon all readied themselves to draw weapons if need be. Everyone was wide, quick eyes and tensed muscle. Nari’s brows furrowed.

Taehyung stood frozen in place, his glass reduced to silvery shards glinting at his feet. Statue-like. His hand still hovered like it still held a drink. His pallor was pale and gray, even in the low lighting of the terrace. His expression was unreadable--caught between disbelief and realization. 

Jimin, unmoving, glanced his way. “Tae--?”

“It was you?” His eyes were locked on Jooheon. The man’s voice didn’t sound like his own. Tight and frail. A breath held, meant to contain the storm brewing inside. 

A ghost of a smile teased Jooheon’s lips. “I have no idea what you’re talking about--”

The frozen composure Taehyung sported dissipated within half a second. He stalked towards Jooheon, eyes black and endless as hell itself. Monsta X and the majority of Bangtan alike drew their weapons in a frenzy of metal and confusion. The few bystanders unfortunate enough to be on the terrace with them fled to the safety of indoors. 

Nari watched as Taehyung roughly grabbed his hand. He yanked the sleeve of his jacket up to reveal the dagger that was forever etched into Jooheon’s skin. His mouth twisted in a snarl, all color rushing back into his face in excess to make him a brilliant shade of red. “It was you!”

Jooheon ripped his hand from Taehyung’s grip and fiddled with his cuff link. Voice calm. Unbothered. “I have no idea what you’re referring to, Kim.”

“You know exactly what I mean!” Long fingers fisted designer lapels. Yanked him forward to be nose to nose. Saliva gathered at the corners of Tae’s mouth. He was rabid, then. Barely human. Lost in the break of his sanity. Shadows from low light hollowed out his features. A wolf mid-turn. He seethed through gritted teeth. “You killed her, you son of a bitch!” 

Nari gasped. There was no way. Leah. Why would Jooheon have killed Leah? The weight of Monsta X’s aim made her head feel heavy. Guns drawn, muscles tight. Nobody daring to breathe.

“I know that tattoo,” he spat. Black eyes pierced through the curtain of hair that fell into his face. He gave Jooheon a hard shove. Got in his face like he didn’t know what death was. Kim Taehyung was fearless. “I know that tattoo! I know! I know that tattoo! I know it!”

His pretty mouth twisted into a deranged smile. Caught between a sneer and baring his teeth like an animal. His eyes were dangerous. Unhinged. His laugh made Nari’s skin crawl. “It’s burned into my goddamn brain! It’s all I fucking see.”

He drew his gun. Aimed it right in Jooheon’s face. His smile wiped away with the click of the safety on his weapon.

Changkyun redirected his sight. Barrel pointed directly at Taehyung’s head. Nari’s stomach dropped. Her eyes burned with panic. Jooheon wanted an excuse. Self defense. So he could claim Bangtan started it first after he slaughtered Tae.

“Stand down,” she barked, lowering her blade. It fell to the ground with a clang. Changkyun locked eyes with her, but she didn’t look away.

Somewhere behind her, there was a pause. Confusion. Silent gazes asking why she was taking the lead. 

“I said stand down, goddammit!” She raised her hands by her head and looked back.

Jimin, Jungkook, and Namjoon stared at her, bewildered. Jungkook’s voice was disbelief. “What are you doing--?!”

“They’re going to fucking kill him!” she hissed. She was sure of it. Could feel it in her bones. 

Jooheon loved enemies’ emotions. They were easy kills. Easy ways of manipulation. He had a plan. She knew it. Taehyung begged for a bullet between the eyes with every enraged word. With Taehyung gone, they had no tech guy. No IT man, no hacker. Half their brain would be gone. Their humanity would be gone, too. They’d just be monsters. 

They’d never seen her so scared before. Never heard that waver in her voice. It made their weapons ease down towards the concrete. Their eyes flickered between one another. Made their mouths dry and their palms sweat. 

Taehyung’s face twisted, his eyes shimmered with furious, angry tears. Chest heaving, he stared at the weapon held so comfortably in his hand. Stared for a second too long. Like it spoke to him. It slowly sank until the barrel was pointed at the ground. His shoulders sank with it. His voice was broken. “You killed her.”

That light glimmered in the wells of flaming oil Jooheon called eyes. Unbridled glee. Unabashed joy. A panther playing with its food. He smoothed the wrinkles left in his jacket from Tae’s desperate fingers. He smirked. “Taehyung, I’m terribly sorry for your loss, but I have no memory of this. Maybe you missed something? Evidence? Have you checked the closet?”

Nari’s breath caught in her lungs as Yoongi’s words rushed back to her from the day she moved in. Taehyung’s closet.

“The...the doors won’t stay on the tracks. Sorry. They’ve been through some...wear and tear, you could say.”

Taehyung rushed to aim his weapon once again with shaky hands. Face contorted with emotion and burning red. 

All of Monsta X redirected their guns towards Taehyung’s head. Jimin lunged to jump in, but Jungkook held him back by a handful of his jacket. 

Taehyung was too enraged to care.

“Nari--” Namjoon warned.

She was already wedging herself between the two men. Her heart hammered in her chest. 

Jooheon wanted to push him. He wanted to force his break so he would have an excuse to end him. Without Taehyung, it would be easier for them to knock down defenses and break into files. All of their clients. All of their members and their information. Schedules. Details about loved ones. Safehouse locations. All of it. He was trying to topple Bangtan without keeping her in the loop.

“Tae.” 

Her interference had Hyungwon, a dutiful member of Monsta X who was all mouth and leg, encroaching on her from the side. Like he had the mind to take her out or shove her out of the way for war’s sake. 

Out of the corner of her eye, Nari saw Jungkook appear out of nowhere and fist the collar of his shirt. The barrel of his gun roughly kissed the underside of Hyungwon’s chin. The flames in the chocolate of his eyes and the hatred in his voice Nari had never witnessed before. 

“Touch her and I pull the trigger.”

Taehyung ignored her. He stuck to screaming insults and expletives at Jooheon, who stood all too smugly just across the way. He fought against Nari, trying his damndest to get past her. 

“Taehyung, give me the gun.” She enunciated, clammy hands pressing to his chest as she slowly edged him back. Her voice was muffled by his seethes and growls. “Tae. Look at me. Please. Please look at me. Now isn’t the time. It’s not the time for this, you can’t do this here. Not with them.”

He was practically vibrating under her touch, though he did lower his weapon. His eyes were locked on Jooheon’s tattoo, veins cabling in his sinewy neck. “He killed her.”

“You can’t kill him, Tae. Don’t kill Jooheon. Give me the gun.”

“I will.”

“You can’t.” She raised her voice. “They. Will. Kill you. The only reason they haven’t yet is because there are witnesses and I am in their way. Do you understand?”

“Why the fuck do you care if he lives or dies!” he bellowed, that chilling gaze snapping to her face. “He deserves to die--!”

“I know!” she yelled over him. All fell silent.

“Look at me,” she snapped, stern. He grudgingly obeyed, nostrils flaring. “They have more connections here than we do. We’re outnumbered. In the time it would take the others to get here, we would all be dead. Leah wouldn’t want you to die like this. Don’t make this a suicide mission.”

“Yeah, Kim.” Jooheon prodded from the six foot distance between them, if that. “There are other fish in the sea. I mean, I get it, she was hot, but my god, all this over one insignificant bitch?”

Before Nari could react, Taehyung lunged. Nearly shoved her out of the way. 

Jooheon reached for his weapon in the same breath, already jumping at the bit to blow Tae’s brains out. She could hear the click of him pulling back the hammer. She wouldn’t let another member of her family die. 

On reflex, Nari disarmed Tae with a swipe of her hands. For his own sake. Broke down his grip so he had no choice but to let go. The metal was warm in her hands. His face twisted into an angry wince. 

She didn’t want to do it. A solid 90% of her wanted him to pull the trigger. To end the man who she knew was manipulating her. Who was undeniably abusive. But if she let him? Chaos. They would get killed anyway. She couldn’t let them die. She wouldn’t. She was attached. A mistake that she couldn’t say she regretted allowing to happen. 

Plus, that small, remaining 10% was still stupidly, madly in love. She could remember the good times, as odd and sterile as they may have seemed when looking back. 

Memories have teeth.

Taehyung looked at her like she had just killed Leah all over again. Like she stole something from him. In a way, she did. He was so tense that she half expected him to lunge at her, too.

She held her hands by her head, held the pistol out as if waving a white flag. Her expression was stern but bordering on empathetic.

“Joon. Take it.” Her voice was that unfamiliar bark. She’d never heard that tone before. Neither had her team, but that didn’t stop Namjoon from stepping in and gently taking the weapon from her and breaking it down to parts. She could feel the presence of Monsta X lurking behind her, but she didn’t care. Her men were watching her back. She could trust that she wouldn’t die at their hands. Not today. 

Her eyes were locked on Taehyung as she directed her commands to Jimin. “Take him to his room. Keep him there. Keep him calm.”

“Taehyung,” she softened her voice and stepped closer to cup his cheek. “I care. Okay? I care about you, and I’m brokenhearted for you. But if I let you kill him, you will get us all killed. There will be no justice.”

Feline eyes searched his, determined. She whispered—nearly silent. Quiet enough that her promise only met his ears. “Justice will come. I swear to you.”

He looked heartbroken. That furious kind of heartbreak that has people screaming at the sky. He hated her in that moment. One of the best men she’d ever known wanted to strangle her to death because she saved his life. 

But he left with a disgusted spit at Jooheon’s feet. Too overwhelmed with hate and frustration to do more than that. 

Jungkook finally withdrew from Hyungwon, jaw set. He eyed her, waiting for direction. He trusted her. She could see it in the way he waited. It was a shame that his trust was unwarranted. Still, those doe eyes were a comfort.

She turned to Jooheon. His gaze was hard. Cold. Nothing unfamiliar to her, but there was something swirling just beneath the surface that she sensed. Her tongue darted out to wet her lips. She sneered, “Stay away from my men. We’re here for Zhang.”

She meant it. She hated him. She loved him. 

She turned to walk away, and her men followed.

When Nari entered the ballroom, nervous glances flickered her way. She didn’t care. Her heart was hammering pathetically in her chest, the air in her lungs turned barbed wire. Fuck them. They had no idea what was at stake, what they just nearly lost. Each step across the marble floors made her grit her teeth harder and harder. 

Jooheon just almost killed Taehyung. Jooheon killed Leah. Monsta X murdered Leah, and she had no idea. Why did they keep that from her? In the eight years Nari had known him, Jooheon had always kept her in the loop. Always. There wasn’t a thing that she didn’t know. 

So why, suddenly, did Jooheon begin hiding information about contact with an organization that she would be infiltrating just over a year later? During that time, she was learning all about Bangtan. Every minute detail. That was something she should have known. 

Yoongi and the others met Nari, Jungkook, and Namjoon near the bar. She couldn’t force herself to explain. She just waved to Jungkook and Joon for them to do the talking. She needed to be alone, if only for a minute.

Too overwhelmed and shocked to acknowledge her leaving, Yoongi said nothing, which Nari was thankful for. She hurried to the bathroom in peace. The hypnotic hum of the crowd was a song motivating her to keep her composure. That dull roar kept her mask on tight and secure. The sudden silence after the swing of the bathroom door was permission to fold.

She just almost lost Taehyung. They just almost lost him. Monsta X was more than ready to spray his brains across the gaudy terrace. 

Shaky hands ran through her hair, pushed the windblown strands out of her face. Breaths pulled ragged and rough from her lungs fighting the icy hands that seemed to have reached straight through her chest and clutched them in a vice grip. 

Spotless and reflective black and white tiles seemed to swim before her eyes. Her legs were trembly and weak. She had to pull herself together. 

Both hands planted themselves on the sleek black countertops and her head fell forward--the sweat and heat collecting in her palms creeping around her fingers in foggy halos. The closest to an angel she would ever be. 

The door swung open with the power of a gale force wind. She didn’t bother looking up. She didn’t care who saw her anymore. 

A gasp ripped from her throat when her head was yanked back by the roots of her hair. Wide eyed and horrified, she made eye contact with the Devil himself in the mirror.

“What the fuck kind of game are you playing at, Oh?” Jooheon sneered in her ear. Close enough that she felt the heat of his breath. A vein bulged in his temple. 

“I’m not playing any games--”

A short cry left her lips. Pain. Sharp, throbbing, lights dancing in her line of vision. The onyx countertop was biting ice against her cheek. Jooheon’s nails dug into her scalp. 

“I told you if you turned on me, I would kill you.” 

The deafening, tinny ring in her ears made it hard to form sentences. Made her tongue heavy. 

Her scalp burned when he straightened her up by her hair. Spun her around and pressed her back against the wall. Something tickled along her eyebrow, right along the crest of pain he left behind. He seemed to tower over her. Eyes black as death and those full lips pulled back into a snarl. She loathed herself for thinking he looked sinful in the best way. Her eyes widened when strong fingers wrapped around her throat.

“You’re working for them.”

“No!” she rasped, clawing at his hands. She couldn’t breathe. Panic. Voice gone, she hurriedly mouthed, “Undercover! I’m undercover--!”

She caught her reflection in the mirror. Red faced. Blood trickling down the side of her face. Dressed in some of the nicest clothes money could buy. In a foreign country, in a bathroom no less. Essentially alone. This was how she was going to die?

Strangled, desperate noises caught under his fingers. She clawed at his vice grip. “Jooheon--! I’m undercover! It’s an act! I’m loyal! Baby— baby, please—” 

The back of her head met the wall with a crack as he slammed her back against it with a force she’d never felt from him. Nari was almost certain she felt her brain bounce helplessly off the wall of her skull. Pain blinded her and stole a startled yelp from her lungs. There was another debilitating second of galaxies swimming before her eyes before the chill of Jooheon’s fingers disappeared. Her legs buckled and sent her tumbling into a limp heap on the cold floor. Dry coughs wracked through her in raspy barks.

He reached down and pulled her up by her upper arm. No time for recovery. Only for submission. “Get up. Stand up.”

Weak knees wobbled below her, but she forced herself to obey. 

He pinned her to the wall again, body pressed close to hers. Voice a low rumble, he spoke quietly as he gave her a once over. “You’re undercover.”

“I’m undercover. I’m j-just doing what you sent me here to do.” Somehow, she conjured up a sureness that she didn’t feel. She struggled to hold her throbbing head up, eyes barely focused. “If I don’t act like one of them, they’ll be suspicious. You know that.”

He hesitated. Jaw twitching as he thought it over. Fear had her legs trembling. He was going to kill her. She knew it. She was going to die alone at the hands of a man who had been puppeteering her for five years. She didn’t know who she was--all her time had been spent trying to repay Jooheon for… 

For what? Taking her off the streets just to use her for his own gain? Why would he choose her anyway? Had she been ignoring the glaring truth all this time?

After gauging her sincerity, he nodded, eyes still cold. There was a bitter twist at his mouth as he fully pressed himself to her. His chest was stone against hers. “If you ever said that shit to me outside of a job—”

“I know.”

“I would kill you. You’d wish you’d been given a chance to die like Son Daehyun.”

There was an electricity in the air. Something brewing behind Jooheon’s dangerous eyes. He was so close to her. The familiar scent of his cologne filled her nose. Made her chest ache. She despised that part of her wanted him in every way imaginable. Hated that even after he manipulated her and treated her like a dog, she was still wrapped around his finger. She was absolutely disgusted with herself. Would she ever be able to escape from this life? 

His breath tickled her neck as he slowly brushed his lips along her pulsepoint. Her eyes fluttered shut, a shaky sigh slipping between her lips at the touch she’d been craving for months. A hit from the deadliest drug. Dangerous love. Every negative feeling numbed. Not gone. Just dulled. She could never forget how terrible he was and how badly she needed to get away, but she also couldn’t find it in herself to care with those lips on her neck. She was an addict. She didn’t know how to quit. 

In the darkness behind her eyelids, she felt him leave a burning, open mouthed kiss at the juncture of her neck and jaw. She shivered when the caress of his tongue traced her jugular. Taking a shaky breath, she arched her neck to allow him more access and murmured, “You killed Leah.”

He hummed, uncaring. A strong hand ghosted along her side, sliding down the silk of her dress to grab a handful of her ass. Tight. Almost painful. Almost a threat. He pulled her impossibly closer. “If it really mattered to you...if you cared...you would’ve slit my throat by now.”

Her arms anchored at his shoulders when his hand slipped past the slit in her dress to trail along the holster secured at her inner thigh. He’d barely touched her and she was already breathless. “But why? Why didn’t you just tell me--?”

“Why? Why why why?” he mocked, voice pitching up as he cupped her sex. He tucked his lip between his teeth, lids heavy. “That’s not knowledge necessary for your job.”

The condescending way he spoke had a pang of arousal shooting straight to her core. He knew every single one of her buttons, knew just what to say and do to make her fall apart. To manipulate her. 

“You’re not as righteous as you think, love,” he breathed against the shell of her ear, smug. His fingers crept higher, sending her heart galloping in her chest. A twinge of ice laced in his voice as he curled a finger past the lace of her panties. “You’re here with me. You’re gonna let me fuck you right here with Bangtan there in the ballroom. You wanna know how I know?”

Her whimper was all the acknowledgement he needed. 

A skilled finger traced her slit, gathering slick and swirling it around her swelling clit. He growled, “Because you’re a filthy, desperate whore. You’re so eager to please me, baby. You know you’re mine and no one else’s. You’d do anything to get me to praise you.”

She was soaked. She hated herself--for aching for him, for wanting him, for wanting this. She hated herself almost as much as she hated him. She wished she wanted to kill him then, it was the perfect moment.

His breath against her ear and the almost painful ache between her legs had her rolling her hips into his touch, fucked out whines muffling into his neck. She needed it. Needed the praise, needed more. “P-please--”

“You know what you have to do for praise,” he chided, nose grazing her cheek. 

She knew. Of course she knew. And she knew that when his sinful fingers were no longer teasing her entrance, the idea would make her sick.

“You know you have to finish the job. Finish what you started. We both know that even if you’re unsure now, you’ll do what I tell you to in the end. Because you’re mine,” he sneered, cock straining against his pants and pressing into her stomach. He was smug--insufferable. Stroking his own ego to completion. “Even if they’re your friends. You’re still here with me. Even if you’re attached to them, you stopped Taehyung from pulling that trigger today.”

She gasped against his shoulder when he buried a finger knuckle deep in her soaked, needy cunt. Curled the digit until she saw stars and could bear it no longer. Until she fucked herself on it, desperate for friction.

He smirked. Eyes hungry. Losing himself in his own talk. “As much as you think I deserve to die, angel, you love me too much to let it happen. You’d let me give every member of Bangtan a Colombian necktie before you let them lay a hand on me.” 

She had to bite his jacket to conceal her moans when he added a second finger and began finger fucking her until her legs shook. Fast. Filthy. His fingertips rammed against her g-spot and had her mouth desperately searching for his, trying and failing to make him kiss her. 

Jooheon pulled back, pupils blown so wide that his eyes were black. Unending. The atmosphere was crackling lightning and rolls of thunder. Almost in a trance, he reached up and swiped his thumb through the trail of blood that shone bright crimson on the side of her face. His touch made her brow throb, a low whine catching in her throat. 

His eyes followed his thumb, traced the smears of red on her skin like paint. When he wrapped his thick lips around his finger, his eyes flashed. A deep groan rumbled in his chest. Nari felt his cock twitch at the salty, metallic taste on his tongue. The taste of life. The taste of death. Of pain. 

He kissed her then. Dirty. Deep. She tasted the rusty tang of blood on his tongue. 

“I’m g-gonna-- Gonna cum--” she panted weakly as the fingers of his other hand continued to wreak havoc on her, cheeks flushed from how quickly he had her spiraling. 

Without another word, he withdrew his fingers and pulled her around to stand in front of the mirror, her back to his chest. The breathtaking, blinding urge to tip over the edge faded as quickly as it appeared. Looking at their reflections, she was appalled. She was a mess. Hair ruined, makeup ruined. Blood smeared across the side of her face. 

Jooheon neared madness. Eyes glowing, magnetic. Lips swollen and gaze hot. 

She was desperate, needy, when she gripped the counter and ground back against him. “Jooheon, please.”

Biting his lip, he hurried to unzip his pants and ruck her dress up over her ass. Pushed the thin lace to the side.

Nothing compared to the overwhelming stretch as he pushed in with a deep roll of his hips. Sheathed balls deep and stuffing her so full that there was barely room for any air left in her lungs. Her jaw dropped as he wasted no time before grabbing her hips so tight it hurt and fucking her hard enough to jolt. It was filthy. The chance that anyone could walk in at any given moment and see him fucking her senseless. The way her wet pussy squelched in exaggerated echoes through the tiled bathroom. The fact that Bangtan was just beyond that door and across the ballroom. 

Short, broken moans slipped from her lips. She could feel herself creeping closer and closer to release with every glide of his thick cock against her aching g-spot. “Joo--heon-- Oh my g-god-- So good--”

Her whines were cut short by his hand. Heavy. Angry. Covering her mouth, silencing her desperate whimpers. His other arm snaked around her waist. Forced her back to arch deliciously, made him hit a spot she didn’t even know existed. Her neck ached in the bent, arched way he forced her head back. But she didn’t care. All she cared about was how quickly she was falling apart on his dick. How she could feel arousal trickling down her inner thigh, dripping like honey from a spoon. Slow. Sweet. 

Jooheon leaned closer, caged her in. She could see the fierce, carnal look on his face as he locked eyes with her in the mirror. His thick lips brushed her split brow as he spoke, holding her impossibly tighter. Forcing her in place as he purposely kissed at her wound. “You’re mine.”

Whatever crust of congealed blood had sealed the cut split. A trickle of a fresh bead rolled down from her brow, a slight wince narrowing her eyes from the sting. 

Her muffled moans rose in pitch as he increased his pace. Pain was a gift when it came from Jooheon. When he was stroking, pushing all her buttons to have her falling apart in record time. The slap of his balls against her clit made her eyes roll back. Made her knees tremble. Muscles jumpy as she tried to hold herself together. To make it last as long as she could. 

Seeing her nod frantically, he slid his hand down to grip her chin. Fingertips digging into the hollows of her cheeks. The dull pain made her core clench tight around him, made his hips stutter. 

It was the flutter of his eyelids that pushed her over the edge. That snapped the band that had been tightening inside her. That brief millisecond of humanity in him. The thaw in the ice. 

Her orgasm wracked her, left her mouth hanging in a silent cry. Euphoria. The best of what hell could offer her. White hot flames licking between her legs, sending overstimulated jolts to seize her muscles. Sin. No need for clit stimulation when his dick was ramming her g-spot to completion. 

He hissed into her ear, raven wing eyes locked on hers. “You belong to me. Say it.” 

“I’m yours--” Her words were stretched and malformed around the too-tight way he dug his fingers into her cheeks. 

The whine in her voice, the soft sob she let out made him groan. He barely looked like himself. Barely composed, hair falling in his eyes. Without warning, he dragged his hot, silky tongue up the side of her face. Licked the fingerpainted crimson from her burning skin.

He came with a growl, teeth gritting as he emptied himself into her. 

There was a moment when the world seemed to stop. When nothing felt real, nothing had sunken in. Those few seconds ticking by that felt like an eternity. 

Panting, his voice dropped an octave as his gaze held her reflection’s. “Finish what you started. One more chance. If you waver again, I’ll kill you myself.”

And just like that, he was letting her go. Tucking himself into his slacks and slipping through the door.

She stood there, dazed and leaning against the marble countertop. Trying to gather herself. She wasn’t sure how many minutes passed with her standing there, statuesque and trying to make sense of what just happened. 

She just fucked Jooheon. In the bathroom. With her teammates just beyond the door in the ballroom. She fucked Jooheon, and he hurt her.

They’d been together for nearly eight years, and he’d never ever laid a hand on her. Threatened her, sure. Manipulated her, absolutely. But never in the entirety of their relationship had he ever tried to strangle her and slam her against a wall. He never made her bleed. 

Her head pounded, an icy chill running down her spine at the memory of his tongue on her skin. Something was different. Something changed him, something made him snap. Or...maybe nothing was different. Maybe he had been fighting the urge to do something like that for a long time. 

As she turned her head, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and grimaced. She had to clean herself up. Had to get back to--

The door swung open.

Nari froze, eyes wide and blood cold at the sight of Yoongi standing before her. Large hand splayed out across the unblemished white and gold door to hold it halfway open. 

The world tilted on its axis. She was a deer in headlights, caught mid-leap in the unstoppable path of a semi. 

Neither of them moved, neither of them spoke. Both letting time stand still.

She had no explanation for the state she was in. There was no way for her to explain the dried blood on her face, the smear of her lipstick, or the cum slowly oozing down the inside of her thigh. She was caught. This was everything she’d fought to prevent. This was the end, this was her end. She was sure of it. There was no redemption for a rat, no savior for a double agent. 

Her eyes burned with tears. If she was dead, no one could protect them. Maybe they’d let her give all the information she had before Hoseok and Jimin sliced her to pieces and smashed her skull in. If they’d even believe her. 

Though she was wide and glassy eyed, face pale, Yoongi wore a look of stoic indifference. Unperturbed. Unshaken. 

“Clean yourself up,” he clipped, eyes hard as they took in her disheveled appearance from beneath his faded blue fringe. He was unreadable. To have caught her red handed, he wasn’t exploding. He wasn’t loud and angry. That terrified her. 

Yoongi’s black eyes locked with hers. “When we get back to Seoul, you and I are going to have a little chat.”