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raymondebidochonlifechoices · 3 years

Text

To summarise:

Balls be balls, but there’s a crucial difference between a writer that has cojones and a show that is bollocks.

Apparently, Glen forgot to notify the FBI that Betty quit. Betty receives her diploma via post. Which is fitting, because I can only surmise that this is how she got her training too.

Now that there are no more serial killers in The Town Formerly Known As Riverdale, the F.B.I. decides to reopen their bureau there. It figures.

Riverdale’s Feminist Icon Veronica Lodge once again fails to pass the Bechdel test.

Since not one (Archie) but two (Jughead) white male protagonists have come to terms with their trauma on-screen, Betty pulls herself together off-screen.

Or does she? She joins Archie for some day drinking. Alcohol is, objectively, the only way b*rchie can happen.

Veronica is no longer the She-Wolf but the Black Widow of Wall Street. One would have thought that this kind of level-up in ruthlessness would be in her favour but not according to these writers.

Waldo is still on a mission to be a principal in a High School that offers only extra-curriculars: he re-hires Jughead to supervise the Blue and Gold.

Since no one is teaching at RHS anymore, Britta decides to break some rocks in Cheryl’s mines to keep in shape for football next season.

To show her appreciation, Cheryl drags Britta to her ex-teacher’s graduation party where all her other ex-teachers are. Awkward.

Frank and Alice being the only older adults left in Riverdale, hook up. After 5x18 uncle Frank is what Alice deserves.

On their first date at Vitto Alto’s old haunt, Jabitha decide to move in together to save up on rent. The level of romance is killing me.

This is the third time Archie’s new dog makes an appearance. Where’s Hot Dog, bitch?

With Veronica and Eric out of Archie’s life, Hiram tries to rekindle the embers of their relationship. Literally.

On his orders, a Ghoulie starts a fire at Pop’s. The damages are minimal but somehow the effects are devastating.

Sheriff Keller, who was once the mayor’s lapdog, who -in turn- was once in Hiram’s pocket, sits and nods sagely as Toni threatens bodily harm to a suspect and Archie proposes an arrest without evidence. Consistency.

Guidance counselor Toni extracts a Ghoulie’s tooth and with it the truth. Never trust a therapist in Riverdale.

Reggie ex Machina provides a usb stick with irrefutable proof of Hiram’s crimes. Unfortunately, he’s a secondary character, so there’s not enough time to explain how he got it.

Lollipop! Lollipop! Oh Lolli Lolli Lolli! Lollipop! The Chordettes are not back but The Trash Bag Killer is! After having graciously waited for Betty to catch her other serial killer, he’s now ready to rumble. Oh, yes, congratulations for her graduation too. This better be Hal Cooper with half a metallic head or else.

Adult Jughead is the same awkward teenager we all know and love. Boy can’t initiate a normal kiss to save his life. Not without social activism and arson beforehand. He’s weird. He’s a weirdo.

Queen Serpent Toni has an epiphany: what if they take the Serpents off the roads and back into Riverdale and find them a gig that pays just as well as truck driving? 10 bucks says that job is bouncers for Veggie’s new Casino.

Tangs aka Only Serpents Left Alive. Can you really blame Jughead for making fun of them in his book?

“I blame Archie” says Hiram. And my new T-Shirt.

Kevin takes his remaining kidney to Broadway.

This is Nana Rose’s season, gather around children.

Abigail Blossom, Cheryl’s ancestor (but not the one that slaughtered the Uktenas) was burned to the stake for witchcraft in 1890 because the townspeople wanted to steal her palladium mines. Abigail cursed them all.

I’m here for Jedediah Jones and Jedediah Jones only.

Cheryl doesn’t think that a curse that eradicated a whole generation of male Riverdale citizens is enough compensation and asks the core four to make amends to her personally. Veronica, Archie, Betty and Jughead, who have not spent the last 10 years with Jason’s corpse can’t fathom why they should live in the past.

Pop pops back in Riverdale but Tabitha’s parents don’t. Is it possible that the only reason for their existence was so that she could sing with Jughead in 5x18?

After unilaterally naming Riverdale’s four council members, Archie makes a talk about inclusiveness. All 10 paid extras agree.

Nana Rose heard that Veggie are together and has Cheryl speak the curse.

A Casino would turn Riverdale into a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah, exclaims Acid Queen Alice, miffed that she wasn’t once invited to teenage Veronica’s speakeasy.

Archie has been sexless for one day, so he proposes to Betty to give their relationship another go.

H is for Hero. “Tic Tic Boom!” says Hiram, who has placed a bomb underneath Archie’s bed. Legends only.

Toffee is back in Riverdale. She’s freed all the dogs from Archie’s yard and has set headquarters in Dilton’s bunker. From there She. Will. Lead. The Resistance!

No more nonsense, only curses now!

This exquisite Toffee header (or is it footer?) is brought to you by the incomparable @50shades-of-bughead, who was also kind enough to draw Toffee Leading The Resistance aka Barracks!Toffee. I’m in awe of your talent! Do you hear the people sing?

#Riverdale season 5 #s5 recaps #Toffee fanart #decy_fanarts

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