offtherec

[jocksaved-a]

“you wish you were me.” “kevin you are a closeted football player in a small town who’s hopelessly in love with his best friend and have a homophobic father i may hate myself but i don’t hate myself that much”

[deathlisted]

@deathtaken​ asked: Oh, man, what have you been smoking? for wendy from ian final destination 3 prompts | always accepting

she can’t help the eye roll, of course ian mckinley is going to be 𝙳𝙸𝙵𝙵𝙸𝙲𝚄𝙻𝚃. she’d never known him to be any different. “ don’t. ” it’s clear from her voice that she’s 𝚃𝙸𝚁𝙴𝙳, clear that she’s been through far too much in the past 24 hours. frankie and then lewis and now ian if she 𝙲𝙰𝙽'𝚃 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚅𝙸𝙽𝙲𝙴 𝙷𝙸𝙼. or at least save him. but that’s the issue with ian, he doesn’t let people do either of those things. especially not someone like wendy that he’s not even close to. but she has to 𝚃𝚁𝚈. if she doesn’t, it just means that she’d be letting him possibly die without actually trying to at least warn him, and that’s not the kind of person she 𝚆𝙰𝙽𝚃𝚂 to be.

“ 𝙸 𝙳𝙾𝙽'𝚃 𝙲𝙰𝚁𝙴 if you think i’m crazy. i’m past caring about what you think of me. but i’m 𝚃𝚁𝚈𝙸𝙽𝙶 to save your life. ” but she doubts her words would have all that much affect on him. he seems a bit too.. egotistical to be willing to listen. “ you don’t have to believe me. at all. just.. 𝙷𝚄𝙼𝙾𝚁 𝙼𝙴. ” it’s an approach wendy doesn’t like, just adds to the feeling that she’s crazy, but she figures its what he’s more likely to respond to. “ just 𝙿𝚁𝙴𝚃𝙴𝙽𝙳, for a moment, that this could all be happening. 𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙻𝙻𝚈 happening. and let me help you, just for a little while. just long enough to make sure you’re 𝚂𝙰𝙵𝙴. you and erin.”

[disordercd]

TAGS  038.

[fatefaked]

TAGS  002.

[promqueenedold]

TAGS  002.

[deathseen-a]

TAGS  002.

[littledragooon]

-& intro // by d3athb3d-xo ❤ liked on Polyvore

BABY GIRL HAT, newborn hospital hat, newborn girl hat, infant girl... / wanker banner / gels tubes / elf princess / Hannah Pixie Snowdon @hannahpixiesnow Websta We Heart It / go to hell for heaven's sake. / white square

[jocksaved-a]

@deathtaken​ asked: what were you thinking? :)))) amo album sentence starters | accepting

things have been 𝚁𝙾𝚄𝙶𝙷 for a while now, losing jason being the first in many things that slowly and yet somehow quickly tore kevin apart. but despite jason being the 𝙻𝙾𝚅𝙴 𝙾𝙵 𝙷𝙸𝚂 𝙻𝙸𝙵𝙴, kevin could’ve been alright after losing him. he still would've had ian, but then 𝙸𝙰𝙽 𝚆𝙰𝚂 𝙶𝙾𝙽𝙴 𝚃𝙾����. and maybe he still could’ve been okay, if it wasn't for all the other deaths that he 𝙵𝙰𝙸𝙻𝙴𝙳 to stop. if it wasn’t for the constant intense memories of being 𝚂𝙿𝙻𝙰𝚃𝚃𝙴𝚁𝙴𝙳 in blood and flesh from frankie and lewis. if it wasn’t for the constant reminders of the 𝙶𝙾𝚁𝙴 𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝙷𝙾𝚁𝚁𝙾𝚁𝚂 he'd seen under the roller coaster at red river. he could’ve survived without 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙱𝙾𝚈𝚂 𝙷𝙴 𝙻𝙾𝚅𝙴𝙳, but he'd been forced to deal with so much more trauma than 𝙰𝙽𝚈 𝚂𝙸𝙽𝙶𝙻𝙴 𝙿𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙾𝙽 could ever deal with.

he had 𝚃𝚁𝙸𝙴𝙳 to be strong, had tried 𝚂𝙾 𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙳 to be the best he could be. he still had a life to live, his father still 𝙴𝚇𝙿𝙴𝙲𝚃𝙴𝙳 the best from him, his brothers still 𝙽𝙴𝙴𝙳𝙴𝙳 him, he couldn't let the pressure fall on frankie. but it was all 𝚂𝙾 𝙼𝚄𝙲𝙷 to deal with, had all been so much to live through. and he had gotten 𝚂𝙾 𝙳𝙰𝙼𝙽 𝚃𝙸𝚁𝙴𝙳 of trying to live through this. everything was impossible, everything had felt so different to how it had been 𝙹𝚄𝚂𝚃 𝙼𝙾𝙽𝚃𝙷𝚂 𝙰𝙶𝙾.

he'd been trying to 𝙴𝙽𝙳 𝚃𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙶𝚂 for a while. pretty much since the night of the tri-centennial. he drank more than a person should be 𝙰𝙱𝙻𝙴 𝚃𝙾 𝙷𝙰𝙽𝙳𝙻𝙴, did hard drugs with little worry about safety and 𝙾𝚅𝙴𝚁𝙳𝙾𝚂𝙴𝚂. he'd tried more practical ways too, he'd tried 𝙴𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚈𝚃𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙶 he could think of. but clearly it 𝚆𝙰𝚂𝙽'𝚃 𝙷𝙸𝚂 𝚃𝙸𝙼𝙴 to go just yet, clearly death wasn’t willing to let him die just yet. he hadn't 𝙸𝙽𝚃𝙴𝙽𝙳𝙴𝙳 on anyone finding out until time was up, hadn’t planned on anyone being 𝙵𝙾𝚁𝙲𝙴𝙳 to see this. but joe had made a surprise visit, had wanted to 𝙲𝙷𝙴𝙲𝙺 𝙸𝙽 on his little brother. something that at least joe would think was a 𝙶𝙾𝙾𝙳 𝙸𝙳𝙴𝙰, considering the sight he walked in on.

there’s 𝙰 𝚅𝙰𝚁𝙸𝙴𝚃𝚈 of things spread across the floor of kevin's room, each having more 𝙿𝙾𝚃𝙴𝙽𝚃𝙸𝙰𝙻 𝚃𝙾 𝙺𝙸𝙻𝙻 than the last. a few needles on his desk, 𝚄𝙽𝚁𝙴𝙻𝙰𝚃𝙴𝙳 to his attempts but just as dangerous, razor blades across the floor that just 𝚆𝙾𝚄𝙻𝙳𝙽'𝚃 𝙿𝙴𝙽𝙴𝚃𝚁𝙰𝚃𝙴 𝚂𝙺𝙸𝙽, a gun he'd shot at himself a hundred times which only 𝙲𝙻𝙸𝙲𝙺𝙴𝙳 as if it wasn't loaded despite the rounds in the chamber, a 𝙽𝙾𝙾𝚂𝙴 dangling from the ceiling fan which had simply left a 𝙱𝚁𝚄𝙸𝚂𝙴 rather than actually cause any death. kevin 𝚂𝙷𝙾𝚄𝙻𝙳 𝙱𝙴 𝙳𝙴𝙰𝙳, but for once death doesn't want the boy to go yet.

he'd 𝙵𝚁𝙾𝚉𝙴𝙽 when the door opened, and the look on joe's face had been 𝙷𝙴𝙰𝚁𝚃𝙱𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙺𝙸𝙽��. clearly he wasn't prepared to walk in on that, but he could feel the 𝚁𝙴𝙻𝙸𝙴𝙵 joe felt at the fact that kevin was still 𝙰𝙻𝙸𝚅𝙴. reluctantly kevin had gone out to the living room with joe, the pair 𝚂𝙸𝚃𝚃𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙸𝙽 𝚂𝙸𝙻𝙴𝙽𝙲𝙴 for quite some time before joe had spoken. kevin thought the answer to that question was 𝙾𝙱𝚅𝙸𝙾𝚄𝚂, but he didn't dare say that. his plan had been 𝙿𝚁𝙴𝚃𝚃𝚈 𝙲𝙻𝙴𝙰𝚁, and he knew joe had worked it out.

“ you 𝙳𝙾𝙽'𝚃 get it. ” and hes talking about a million things there. joe 𝙳𝙾𝙴𝚂𝙽'𝚃 𝙶𝙴𝚃 what it was like to watch the two boys he loved 𝙱𝚁𝚄𝚃𝙰𝙻𝙻𝚈 𝙳𝙸𝙴, to get covered in blood 𝙳𝙰𝚈𝚂 𝙸𝙽 𝙰 𝚁𝙾𝚆, to watch 𝚂𝙾 𝙼𝙰𝙽𝚈 people die in a matter of days, to be 𝙱𝚄𝚁𝙽𝙴𝙳 𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝙸𝙽𝙹𝚄𝚁𝙴𝙳 and left alone in the end. kevins decline had been one joe 𝚃𝚁𝙸𝙴𝙳 to stop, but 𝙽𝙾𝚃𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙶 could’ve stopped the boy now. apparently the only thing on earth that was stopping kevin from dying was 𝙳𝙴𝙰𝚃𝙷 𝙸𝚃𝚂𝙴𝙻𝙵. what a bitter irony.

with 𝙻𝙸𝚃𝚃𝙻𝙴 𝙷𝙴𝚂𝙸𝚃𝙰𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽 kevin gets up and rushes to his room, coming back moments later with the 𝙻𝙾𝙰𝙳𝙴𝙳 𝙶𝚄𝙽. “ 𝙳𝙾𝙽'𝚃 𝙵𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙺 𝙾𝚄𝚃. ” but he knows joe will. “ just watch. ” and to joe that may seem like hes trying to make his last moments 𝙲𝚁𝚄𝙴𝙻, but he knows joe will get it once hes done. gun is aimed at his own head, trigger pulled 𝙾𝚅𝙴𝚁 𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝙾𝚅𝙴𝚁 𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝙾𝚅𝙴𝚁 𝙰𝙶𝙰𝙸𝙽, clicking every time. he pulls the trigger more than necessary, makes sure it's 𝙲𝙻𝙴𝙰𝚁 that it goes through every possible bullet. 𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝙽𝙾𝚃𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙶. and then he steps towards joe, opens it up to reveal that it has 𝙵𝚄𝙻𝙻 𝙰𝙼𝙼𝚄𝙽𝙸𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽, every single time he pulled the trigger 𝚂𝙷𝙾𝚄𝙻𝙳'𝚅𝙴 𝙺𝙸𝙻𝙻𝙴𝙳 𝙷𝙸𝙼. the gun is put aside now, carefully placed to 𝙵𝙰𝙲𝙴 𝙰𝚆𝙰𝚈 from joe. kevin wasn’t about to let a ‘𝙵𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙺 𝙰𝙲𝙲𝙸𝙳𝙴𝙽𝚃’ take his brother.

he 𝙳𝚁𝙾𝙿𝚂 to his knees in front of joe, tears in his eyes as his hands find their way to joe's knees, the boys head dropping to rest in his brothers lap as he 𝙱𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙺𝚂 𝙳𝙾𝚆𝙽. “ i've been trying.. for 𝚂𝙾 𝙻𝙾𝙽𝙶.. ” words come out as whimpers between sobs, 𝙱𝙰𝚁𝙴𝙻𝚈 even understandable. “ i just want it all to stop but.. 𝙸 𝙲𝙰𝙽'𝚃... death 𝚆𝙾𝙽'𝚃 𝙻𝙴𝚃 𝙼𝙴.. ” and hes officially past caring if joe thinks hes 𝙲𝚁𝙰𝚉𝚈. kevin knows, at the very least, that its very clear that he's 𝚄𝙽𝚂𝚃𝙰𝙱𝙻𝙴. “ 𝙸𝚃'𝚂 𝙽𝙾𝚃 𝙼𝚈 𝚃𝚄𝚁𝙽. ” and what could almost be called a bitter laugh comes out at that, followed by even 𝙼𝙾𝚁𝙴 𝚂𝙾𝙱𝚂. he hates it, hates the idea that someone else would have to die for him to go down the same path.

“ I can't die like this, I cant.. 𝙸 𝙲𝙰𝙽'𝚃 𝙳𝙾 𝙸𝚃 𝙼𝚈𝚂𝙴𝙻𝙵. ” and despite the sobbing it seems as if maybe he 𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙻𝙸𝚉𝙴𝙳 something as he spoke, but the look in his eye says it's 𝙽𝙾𝚃𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙶𝙾𝙾𝙳. “ i cant... ” his gaze drifts to the 𝙶𝚄𝙽 𝙾𝙽 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙵𝙻𝙾𝙾𝚁 before back up to joe. “ but.. but maybe I can still be 𝙼𝚄𝚁𝙳𝙴𝚁𝙴𝙳... ” words are quiet, but hes not sobbing anymore. and he 𝙺𝙽𝙾𝚆𝚂 joe would never do it, knows joe would 𝚁𝙴𝙵𝚄𝚂𝙴, but now that hes thought of it he feels like he 𝙷𝙰𝚂 𝚃𝙾 𝚂𝙰𝚈 𝙸𝚃. hes finally realized another option. “ joe... ” quiet, 𝙳𝙴𝚂𝙿𝙴𝚁𝙰𝚃𝙴. he doesn't want his brother to have to deal with the 𝙶𝚄𝙸𝙻𝚃 of it, but hes so focused on the new chance to 𝙼𝙰𝙺𝙴 𝙴𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚈𝚃𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝚂𝚃𝙾𝙿 that hes not thinking about anyone else.

“ 𝙿𝙻𝙴𝙰𝚂𝙴... 𝙺𝙸𝙻𝙻 𝙼𝙴. ”

[jocksaved-a]

@deathtaken​ asked: You lost people real close to you in a fucked-up way. And in order to feel less guilty or whatever… seeing signs and patterns, man. I don’t blame you. But it’s wrong. from lewis :’) final destination 3 prompts | always accepting

the words hit him 𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙳, because he knows to some extent they're true, but even so he shakes his head in defiance. “ no, man, that's 𝙱𝚄𝙻𝙻𝚂𝙷𝙸𝚃. ” but you can hear the way he questions it in his voice, can hear the uncertainty. so much less confident in it all without wendy around, so much 𝚆𝙾𝚁𝚂𝙴 at it than he thought he'd be. lewis is his 𝙵𝚁𝙸𝙴𝙽𝙳, he should be able to handle telling him all of this stuff, even if it is a little out of the ordinary.

“ this 𝙸𝚂𝙽𝚃 𝙰𝙱𝙾𝚄𝚃 𝚃𝙷𝙴𝙼. ” but isn’t it? jason and carrie had been the start of it all, really. if those two hadn’t 𝙳𝙸𝙴𝙳 kevin never would’ve began his research, would’ve been spooked by wendy's premonition but never really 𝙱𝙴𝙻𝙸𝙴𝚅𝙸𝙽𝙶 that it was more than a hunch. if jason and carrie hadn’t been on that coaster nothing in kevins life would’ve 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝙽𝙶𝙴𝙳.

“ you 𝚂𝙰𝚆 the photos wendy took. ” the photos are thrust forward once again, as if lewis hadn’t been looking at them only a few 𝙼𝙾𝙼𝙴𝙽𝚃𝚂 earlier. “ the ash's 𝙱𝚄𝚁𝙽𝙴𝙳, ” emphasis put on their photo, as if he hadn’t got what kevin was trying to get that. “ frankie... ” he pulls out frankie's photo, but he hasn’t actually said anything to lewis about Frankie's death yet. simply said it was related to the photo. so he'll finally point at the fan, almost seeming 𝙲𝚁𝙰𝚉𝚈 with the intensity he puts forward. “ frankie’s head got obliterated by the 𝙵𝙰𝙽 𝙴𝙽𝙶𝙸𝙽𝙴 from my truck. ” voice shakes, the boy still not entirely done processing it. he swears he can still feel the 𝙱𝙻𝙾𝙾𝙳 on his skin, in his hair. still feels the hard gravel ground on his skin and under his nails. but this 𝙸𝚂𝙽'𝚃 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝚃𝙸𝙼𝙴, and his thoughts are shaken from his head as quickly as they’d come along.

lewis' photo is 𝚃𝙷𝚁𝚄𝚂𝚃 𝙵𝙾𝚆𝙰𝚁𝙳, again, this being the 𝚃𝙷𝙸𝚁𝙳 𝚃𝙸𝙼𝙴. kevin points at the statue in the background, at the 𝙲𝚁𝙾𝚂𝚂𝙴𝙳 𝚂𝚆𝙾𝚁𝙳𝚂 that can be found on the wall behind lewis. “ its gonna happen 𝙷𝙴𝚁𝙴, we need to get you out of here. I'm trying to 𝚂𝙰𝚅𝙴 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙻𝙸𝙵𝙴. ”

[jocksaved-a]

@deathtaken asked: listen i love you and your portrayal so much??? you are the light of my life and i would die for both you and kevin. i can literally hear kevin saying all the shit you write , youre just perfect how’s my portrayal? | always accepting

im gonna cry cam oh my god i love you so much

[jocksaved-a]

@deathtaken​ asked: “I told you from the very start: trust no one. Not even me.” from ian! betrayal sentence meme | accepting

there’s a 𝚂𝙸𝙻𝙴𝙽𝙲𝙴 after his words, kevin just trying to process what he said. “ 𝚆𝙷𝙰𝚃? ” voice comes out quiet, confused. but kevin knows what he said, knows the implication behind the words. even if he doesn’t 𝚆𝙰𝙽𝚃 to. he's stunned into silence, everything in his mind moving a million miles an hour. memories of joe warning him not to make this mean anything, jason's reaction to finding out, 𝙹𝙰𝚂𝙾𝙽 𝙸𝙽 𝙶𝙴𝙽𝙴𝚁𝙰𝙻.

kevin had totally 𝚁𝚄𝙸𝙽𝙴𝙳 things with jason in pursuit of this, whatever this had been. late night texts, sneaking out, sex that they both claimed had 𝙽𝙾 𝚂𝚃𝚁𝙸𝙽𝙶𝚂 𝙰𝚃𝚃𝙰𝙲𝙷𝙴𝙳 but clearly had meaning for both of them. or did it? could it be that joe's warning was 𝚁𝙸𝙶𝙷𝚃? that ian mckinley was 𝙳𝙰𝙽𝙶𝙴𝚁𝙾𝚄𝚂? kevin didn’t want to think so, but as the boys words echo in Kevin's head he doesn’t know what to think.

kevin had been so 𝚆𝙸𝙻𝙻𝙸𝙽𝙶 to do whatever ian wanted, would crumble at ians silent command. it took next to nothing on Ian's part to make kevin 𝙼𝙴𝙻𝚃 and follow any instruction sent his way, and now this. now here they stand, and it's so clear that kevin's 𝙷𝚄𝚁𝚃. even if he doesn’t fully understand what's happening. “ I.. 𝚆𝙷𝙰𝚃? ” words escape him, but somehow his voice sounds less confused now and more 𝚂𝙲𝙰𝚁𝙴𝙳, tears threatening to spill. hes still confused, but as the reality of what hes given up and what hes about to lose is setting in there’s no feeling 𝚂𝚃𝚁𝙾𝙽𝙶𝙴𝚁 than his fear.

[jocksaved-a]

@deathtaken​ asked: KISSES from ian ;)))) send ‘kisses’ for a kiss | 17 - an emotional kiss | selectively accepting.

things are 𝚁𝙾𝚄𝙶𝙷 right now. kevin's face is burned, julie and wendy are struggling to hold him up, julie's just 𝚂𝚃𝚁𝚄𝙶𝙶𝙻𝙸𝙽𝙶 in general. it's not going well. and then ian shows up. and while kevins usually happy to see the boy, wendy saying that hes the one that causes her death has kevin ��𝙴𝚁𝚅𝙾𝚄𝚂 to say the least. “ 𝙵𝚄𝙲𝙺 𝙾𝙵𝙵, mckinley! ” its yelled, sounds like hes mad, but really hes just trying to keep everyone 𝚂𝙰𝙵𝙴. of course ian's only retort is sarcasm, of course he doesnt 𝙻𝙸𝚂𝚃𝙴𝙽.

kevin's too 𝙴𝚇𝙷𝙰𝚄𝚂𝚃𝙴𝙳 and sore to yell again, instead all of his strength going into just staying up, staying moving. but then theyve 𝚂𝚃𝙾𝙿𝙿𝙴𝙳, and ians talking like a crazy person, and once again kevin's scared. he doesnt wanna lose anybody else. cant lose another person he 𝙻𝙾𝚅𝙴𝚂.

before he knows what's happening wendy is pushing kevin to the 𝙶𝚁𝙾𝚄𝙽𝙳. he yells as he goes down, partly because it hurts and partially because hes 𝚂𝙲𝙰𝚁𝙴𝙳 that the reason they're dropping is going to kill ian. the fireworks fly over their head and it seems to only 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚅𝙸𝙽𝙲𝙴 kevin that hes right, but when he looks up the fireworks are exploding behind ian. he cant help but admit that it looks 𝙲𝙾𝙾𝙻, but it's also terrifying.

kevin's eyes gravitate to what the fireworks hit, attention turned to the cherrypicker that looks oh so unstable. he 𝚂𝙷𝙾𝚄𝙻𝙳𝙽𝚃 be on deaths list, if they just saved wendys life then it should be over.. but it doesnt 𝙵𝙴𝙴𝙻 over. “ 𝙸𝙰𝙽. ” voice is broken, pain evident as he forces himself to stand. this boy has been through far too much. despite the 𝙿𝙰𝙸𝙽 that comes with every movement he's moving quickly as he can towards ian, very quickly 𝚃𝙰𝙲𝙺𝙻𝙸𝙽𝙶 him to the ground. and while hes sure the tackle hurts, the cherrypicker crashing down next to them wouldve 𝙷𝚄𝚁𝚃 𝙼𝙾𝚁𝙴.

for a moment kevin just stares at the cherrypicker, 𝚂𝙼𝙰𝚂𝙷𝙴𝙳 into the ground where ian had just been standing. his arms are still around ian, still holding him close. he can feel ian 𝚂𝙷𝙰𝙺𝙸𝙽𝙶, can feel that hes just as scared as kevin is. theres silence as kevin turns to look at ian, one hand 𝙶𝙴𝙽𝚃𝙻𝚈 coming to push hair out of the boys face. but his hand isnt as soft as it usually is, instead all 𝚂𝙲𝚁𝙰𝙿𝙴𝙳 𝚄𝙿 and dirty. but the moment is how it usually is all the same, and it only takes a 𝚂𝙴𝙲𝙾𝙽𝙳 for kevin to lean down and kiss ian. hes sure wendy's confused but he doesnt care, officially no longer 𝙱𝙾𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚁𝙴𝙳 by who's watching. hes crying, hes hurt and hes kissing the boy he 𝙻𝙾𝚅𝙴𝚂. that's all that matters to kevin right now. all he cares about is ian being safe, being 𝙸𝙽 𝙷𝙸𝚂 𝙰𝚁𝙼𝚂.

[jocksaved-a]

tag yourself im the bitch writing jocksoft in her rules instead of jocksaved

[deathlisted]

TAGS  015.

[deathlisted]

TAGS  013.

[jocksaved-a]

@deathtaken​ | plotted starter

its been months since the tri - centennial, 𝙼𝙾𝙽𝚃𝙷𝚂 since kevin last saw or heard from ian. the boy driving away after 𝙱𝙰𝚁𝙴𝙻𝚈 getting out alive was the last kevin saw, their relationship 𝙳𝙸𝚂𝙰𝙿𝙿𝙴𝙰𝚁𝙸𝙽𝙶 with ian’s van as it left in a hurry. he had no idea if ian was okay, no clue if he was even alive, but he wasn’t willing to just 𝙻𝙴𝚃 𝙶𝙾 of everything that there was between them.

perhaps it was his 𝙻𝙰𝚂𝚃 𝙳𝙸𝚃𝙲𝙷 𝙴𝙵𝙵𝙾𝚁𝚃, one last shot to make life worth living. not that he could do anything about it if it didn’t work, he’d already 𝚃𝚁𝙸𝙴𝙳 and it hadn’t done anything for him, death had made it clear that kevin doesn’t get to decide when he’s had enough; as always kevin is 𝙽𝙾𝚃 𝙸𝙽 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚃𝚁𝙾𝙻 of his own fate. it doesn’t feel like just a few months ago that they had all been living happily, that he and ian and jason had all hit the 𝙱𝙴𝚂𝚃 𝙿𝙾𝚂𝚂𝙸𝙱𝙻𝙴 𝙿𝙾𝙸𝙽𝚃 in their relationship that they could ever get to. it felt like a lifetime since he’d lost half of his heart on that roller coaster, and it somehow felt 𝙴𝚅𝙴𝙽 𝙻𝙾𝙽𝙶𝙴𝚁 since he lost the second half at the tri - centennial. 

if he was going to be 𝙵𝙾𝚁𝙲𝙴𝙳 to survive he at least wanted to do it with someone he loved, and while joe and nick and frankie meant the world to him lately all they’d been doing was telling him that he needed to be 𝙲𝙰𝚁𝙴𝙵𝚄𝙻. ‘you don’t wanna end up 𝙻𝙸𝙺𝙴 𝙽𝙸𝙲𝙺’ being one of the first things joe said, something nick had seemed almost 𝙾𝙵𝙵𝙴𝙽𝙳𝙴𝙳 by even if joe was right. but all they did was worry about him, and while they had 𝙴𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚈 𝚁𝙴𝙰𝚂𝙾𝙽 to worry there was one thing kevin could promise them: 𝙷𝙴 𝚆𝙰𝚂𝙽'𝚃 𝙶𝙾𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝚃𝙾 𝙳𝙸𝙴. that was the only thing he knew for sure, and in a huge contrast to the last time he was thinking that, this time he actually 𝚆𝙰𝙽𝚃𝚂 𝚃𝙾.

he’d 𝙷𝙸𝚁𝙴𝙳 𝚂𝙾𝙼𝙴𝙾𝙽𝙴 to track ian down, starting with one of nicks friends but quickly moving to someone more 𝙿𝚁𝙾𝙵𝙴𝚂𝚂𝙸𝙾𝙽𝙰𝙻 when a busy college student couldn’t fix the problem immediately. and it had taken a while, but the guy had found him. 𝙰𝙻𝙸𝚅𝙴, safe, far away. kevin had told himself that he’d be 𝙾𝙺𝙰𝚈 so long as he knew ian was okay, but the moment he saw the address he realized how much he’d been 𝙻𝚈𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝚃𝙾 𝙷𝙸𝙼𝚂𝙴𝙻𝙵. 

it wasn’t too 𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙳 to get the money to make the trip happen, kevin had gotten 𝙶𝙾𝙾𝙳 at finding ways to get money lately. living an unhealthy and 𝙲𝙾𝚂𝚃𝙻𝚈 lifestyle would do that to you. and while he’d now have to take his addictions on the road with him, there was 𝙽𝙾𝚃𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙶 that would stop him from getting to ian again. 

but then, after 𝙵𝙰𝚁 𝚃𝙾𝙾 𝙼𝚄𝙲𝙷 𝚆𝙾𝚁𝙺, he’s standing on the doorstep to the address he’d been given, and he wonders if it’s a 𝙶𝙾𝙾𝙳 𝙸𝙳𝙴𝙰. he knows he wants nothing more than to see ian, but he’s not sure he wants to see ian 𝙻𝙸𝙺𝙴 𝚃𝙷𝙸𝚂. he’s a mess, has been for 𝙰 𝚆𝙷𝙸𝙻𝙴, not at all the boy ian had left behind. he’s a shell of the boy ian had loved, his life spiraling downwards at a quick rate. the 𝙲𝙻𝙴𝙰𝙽 𝙲𝚄𝚃 boy in a dress shirt and a letterman jacket was gone, replaced by messy hair and stubble and clothes that didn’t exactly scream 𝙲𝙻𝙴𝙰𝙽. not to mention that he had no idea if ian would actually 𝚆𝙰𝙽𝚃 to see him, or if he’d even recognize him. he’d heard frankie say that if it wasn’t for the fact that they lived together he’d never 𝙶𝚄𝙴𝚂𝚂 it was him, months of drinking and drugs 𝚃𝙰𝙺𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙸𝚃𝚂 𝚃𝙾𝙻𝙻 on his appearance as well as his personality.

but then he knocks, and he’s 𝚃𝙴𝚁𝚁𝙸𝙵𝙸𝙴𝙳, and its like he’s standing in ian’s doorway the first night they’d kissed 𝙰𝙻𝙻 𝙾𝚅𝙴𝚁 𝙰𝙶𝙰𝙸𝙽. he’d been so nervous that it wouldn’t work out, so nervous that the boy would change his mind, nervous at simply the thought of being with 𝙸𝙰𝙽 𝙼𝙲𝙺𝙸𝙽𝙻𝙴𝚈. but now here he was, in love and 𝙳𝙴𝚂𝙿𝙴𝚁𝙰𝚃𝙴 and alone. standing there constantly torn between if he wants to 𝚁𝚄𝙽 before ian can turn him away or if he’d stand there and knock 𝙴𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚈 𝙷𝙾𝚄𝚁 until ian would finally give in and open the door.