#death note light yagami on in denial oblivious track

[anaphoraholic]

something i noticed in the first episode of death note is how light seemed genuinely disappointed when ryuk said there was no penalty for using the notebook? it almost reads like he *wants* to be punished; like perhaps he took to writing down as many names as he could, whilst still believing that using a death note would result in severe penalty, specifically to procure the worst possible punishment.

i could see him doing this as a way of subconsciously dissuading himself from going down a darker path (or spiral, more like) – his mind recognizes that a lot of his current thoughts and feelings (ex. 'this world is rotten') seem to be tugging him in that direction, and wants to reinforce a belief in conventional morality and the world as a righteous system of crime and punishment by purposefully deviating from conventional morality and then encountering a punishment for doing so. if he does get punished (which he assumes he will), then all is good because he has been reassured that evil actions are usually then followed up by, essentially, karma.

this is subverted, however, and then there's nothing to hold him back as he continues to give into the darkest parts of himself. if an actual god of death isn't going to punish him for his misdeeds, no one will, right?

additionally, i think self-loathing and depression (desire to be punished/feeling of deserving it; wanting to feel something and seeking out punishment for this purpose) played a significant role in this, and that light likely noticed immoral traits within himself on some level and was thus drawn to punishment to either balance the scales and allow him to engage in those behaviors while absolving himself of guilt, or as a possible last-ditch effort to eradicate the desires to act on his more unsavory thoughts.

now, i don't think he would've been doing any of this on a conscious, decided level at all (my boy does NOT have high intrapersonal intelligence); this is just one of many ways i like to interpret the subconscious functions that might've led him from upstanding citizen to, well, kira lol