#dear God. plz I beg you. let this weekend be normal.

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

Notes about what I need to tell my therapist about on Wednesday

- parent visit and how it went

- PTSD convo with arrow and resulting reaction

- major dissociative episode on Sunday

- first dissociative episode with evidence that I did something in the section I lost time from (laundry and coloring)

- text conversation debacle with mom

- major dissociative episode on Monday during class time

- phone call with Dad

- dissociating way more in general

- getting behind on homework and having to catch up

- nightmares for 5 days in a row

- startle reactions being more amped than usual (door opening)

- breaking down in front of my capstone advisor on Wednesday

- more texting with mom

- came out to my cousin

- slightly weird texts from my cousin

- wrote a sci fi horror story about the dissociating

- got through most of a horror movie!

- why I could not finish the horror movie (lunchroom guy)

- seriously the dissociating is bad. multiple days in a row of not feeling hungry. until directly after grounding myself. upon which I would dissociate again bc it hurt.

- can I *please* get screened for PTSD

[jujywrites]

sweet sense-enfolding things (IHWYHM CH2)

plz go read Exquisite Sights and Sounds right now (it's YKT smut)

Title from the poem "Death--Divination" by Charles Wharton Stork

AO3

FF.net

or keep reading

~~~

"Rat. Are you awake?"

Yuki is. Of course he is. The knock on his wall that should surprise simply doesn't.After yesterday's open-window fiasco he had come up with enough excuses to barely see Kyo or Tohru, and skipped out on dinner again— he'd found a tray of steaming soup and rice left at his bedroom door when he finally ventured out, surely courtesy of Tohru. He felt embarrassed the entire time he was eating it (delicious, as usual); why couldn't he be grown up and pretend everything was normal like those two were doing?

He gets up and taps back, then puts his ear to the wall.

"Tohru has something she wants to tell you."

He can hear her rough breathing. So they're starting up again.

"You've been avoiding us, Yuki-kun. I don't like that. A-And Kyo-kun doesn't eith— ah...!"

Kyo shushes her harshly.

"You know it's true," she whispers back. Then, louder, "So, Yuki-kun, I have a," a broken moan, "a deal for you."

Yuki's been half-hard since he started listening, the Pavlovian response already inescapable. He shuts his eyes and inhales slowly, hand trailing down to his pajama waistband.

What is he doing with you?

"He's, oh, he's just teasing me with his finger. I'm on my hands and knees, Yuki-kun."

Dear god. He said it out loud, enough so she could hear, and he hadn't intended to at all. A whimper sneaks out of him before he bites his lip to cut off anything more.

"Tell him what you wanted to, baby, or that's all you're getting." Kyo must be speaking right in her ear, because his voice is right in Yuki's too.

"But— but the deal... Whatever happens here stays here. And if you... if you still spend time with us outside of this, the way we always do, and if you can pretend this only exists during these moments... Then we'll let you watch us."

He jumps to full hardness immediately, a moan tumbling free as he shoves down his pants and starts stroking, heart beating wildly. "Please, fuck, I'll do anything, please...!"

"That's— K-Kyo!— That's good. Okay. Then that's what we'll do. Kyo, please, wh-what are you...!"

"Good girl," Kyo says, voice rough. "I wanna give you something special for that. And you, rat." There's some rustling, creaking; what position are they getting into now? And then his hand smacks the wall and Yuki jumps, dick throbbing. "Make it to the weekend. Saturday. If you keep our agreement 'til then, you'll get your reward."

It's only Tuesday. Yuki doesn't care, even though that might as well be a lifetime away. "Yes, yes," he whines, and he doesn't care, not with Tohru echoing him desperately.

"Oh, Yuki-kun, he's— his tongue, he's l-l-licking—!"

"Oh, god," Yuki gasps, shuddering at the image in his head. He wants to be tasting her right now, wants to make her ride his mouth while Kyo fucks him into the sheets.

Tohru shouts for Kyo, a thump that must be her head hitting the wall, and then: "Yuki-kun, wait for me. You can't... you can't c-come until I tell you."

Instantly he stops, shaking with the effort. Tohru's... command has him dangerously close already, but Tohru doesn't sound far behind, chanting Kyo's name.

"Yes, yes, oh, right there!"

"Tohru," Yuki says, barely a whisper. "Come on, sweetheart, please..."

A short, sharp scream that turns into a sobbing moan, begging for more. And then silence, just heavy breathing, and then she says, hoarse-voiced, "Are you still hanging on?"

He started teasing himself again, listening to her reach and then tumble through her orgasm, but he hasn't given in. "Yes. I've— I've waited."

Kyo laughs softly. "Didn't think you had it in you."

Fuck you, he definitely only thinks, feeling suddenly smug.

"Good boy, Yuki-kun. You can go ahead now."

He's nearly there before she's finished speaking, that phrase unleashing broken gasps and a desperation ten times stronger than anything he's felt since all this started. And he moans her name, and even Kyo's, when he does finally come, his entire body a live wire that almost has him sobbing against the wall; he just gasps raggedly, inhaling oxygen like someone drowning.

"Oh, that's so good, you did so well..." That's Kyo, Kyo is saying that, and then he groans right into the wall, and there's no way any of that is getting unpacked just yet.

He doesn't want to hear them.

He could listen to that praise forever.

"Thank you," he moans out. Delirium and exhaustion, maybe, but he means it.

"We'll see you tomorrow, Yuki-kun."

He sits on the floor against the wall, staring out at nothing, for who knows how long before he cleans up and gets back into bed.