#dean never gets that. dean never has the memories scrubbed clean or the body's trauma response lifted.

[angelsdean]

Dean remembering Hell in Supernatural: Bobby Singer's Guide to Hunting.

(for context they're up against a Greek Goddess that is feeding on their memories--preferring the good ones--so Dean starts remembering all his worst ones to hurt her)

[wanderingcas]

Week 7: Season 12 Inspired Destiel!

[Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful submissions to Week 6 of Spn Fanfic Submission Thursday!! There’s some absolutely quality fics in this list, so check them out. If you want to participate in next week’s fic submissions, check out the schedule!

Please signal boost so we can get these great fics circulating!]

Things That Will Probably Not Happen in Season 12 by @expatgirl

Three fics from Mary’s POV as she tries to adjust to being alive again, tries to understand her sons, and the guy that seems to live with them. The fourth fic is from Dean’s POV, as he tries to understand the same things.

Teen and Up; Mature for the 3rd fic, 8.7k words. (Complete)

[POV Mary Winchester, POV Dean, Weird family dynamics, Hugs, Swearing, Dissociation, Blood, Prayer, Blow Jobs, Feelings]

Warnings: Mild eye trauma/ mild body horror (not shown), brief suicidal thoughts

Dean (and Cas') Top 13 Zepp Traxx by @pantheonofdiscord

Dean eases Baby down the frontage road, trying not to look in the rearview mirror as his home gets smaller and smaller behind him.

He’s done this a hundred times. He’s driven down this road in the soft morning light, heading out to some little town in some distant corner of the country. This is a job like any other.

“It’s not like we’re never coming back,” Cas says from the passenger seat.

Dean and Cas and the open road, to the tune of Led Zeppelin. A post-series story in thirteen parts.

Explicit. 82k words. (Complete)

[Dean/Cas, road trips, mutual pining, getting together, case fic, post-series, angst, fluff]

And Back Again by @funnywings

Takes place after the finale. Mourning, loss, and a game of spot the difference between the Cas that used to be and the one Jack brought back. Happy ending guaranteed. 

Teen and Up. 4k words. (Complete)

[Angst, Happy Ending, Dean’s POV, 12.23 Coda]

Warnings: Temporary MCD

This Isn’t How It Was Supposed To Go by @nox-lee

It’s been excruciating all this time without Dean and now he’s finally here. Cas wants to soak Dean in, wants to scrub him clean of the prison grime and smooth away the new lines that have formed on his hardened face. He wants to breathe him in and re-catalogue every freckle. Instead he watches Dean disappear down the hall and slam his bedroom door.

This isn’t how it was supposed to go.

Explicit. 3k words. (Complete)

[12x09, 12x10, coda, angst with a happy ending, smut]

Heaven Help Me by @righteousdemondean

Coda to 12.23 “All along the watchtower” Teen and Up. 647 words. (Complete) [angst, hurt no comfort, dean-centric, drinking mention, alcohol abuse mention, character death]

Please Come Back by @spn-akf-yana

Even months after the events with the portal, neither Sam and Dean have given up on bringing Cas back. Jack doesn’t to begin with know his true heritage so he tries to help, but not knowing how to raise the dead, he opens the portal again, which just brings up bad memories and things become even more complex when he finds out who he is.

Teen and Up. 9.9k words. (Complete)

[angst, post-season 12]

Rebirth by @mrswholmeschester

Set right after season 11, this story explores the new dynamics now that Mary is back. Dean finds out something about himself as he and his family try to find Pandora's box to trap Lucifer. 

Teen and Up. 16k words. (Complete)

[Destiel]

Rage by @darkheartinthesky

Castiel was always too stubborn for his own good–too stubborn to die, even. As Castiel sits recovering, Sam and Dean prepare for their biggest fight yet. Meanwhile, come Hell or high water, Mary Winchester is getting back to her home world.

Teen and Up. 50k words. (WIP) 

[S13 Fic, Hurt!Castiel, Caretaker Dean, Dean Winchester vs Feelings, Supportive Sam, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF!Mary Winchester]

Warnings: Graphic imagery, violence

Feather by @ialwayscomewhenyoucall

Dean mourns Cas after the events of “All Along the Watchtower”

Teen and Up. 336 words. (Complete)

[12x23 coda, angst, grief]

alive by @babybluecas

Cas is standing right before him: same coat, same blue eyes—so radiant and alive, as if they have never lost their light.

Teen and Up. 898 words. (Complete)

[Angst, Castiel’s return, post-season 12, pre-slash, pining]

Warning: Major Character Death

You’re Me and I’m You by @deservetobesaved 

A witch’s spell causes Dean and Cas to switch bodies, much to Sam’s amusement. Dean pretends he’s super annoyed about it (not really) and Cas is just adorable.

Teen and up. 1.5k words. (Complete)

[fluff, crack, body swap, s12, canon divergence]

Conversation Hearts by @mittensmorgul

Following the events of 12.11, Dean takes stock of the things he remembers, and the things he’s always tried to make himself forget. If he can’t make his own words, maybe store-bought is fine.

Teen and Up. 4k words. (Complete)

[Valentine’s Day Fluff, Episode: s12e11 Regarding Dean, Dean Uses Actual Words, even if he has to borrow them from terrible candy, Fluff, Dean rode Larry, and squished a bunny, Love Confessions, First Kiss]

Welcome home, Cas by @xbooksandtea

“Cas,” he whispered, and he was able to hear the blood rushing through the veins in his ears. Shimmering lights were dancing at the corners of his vision. His skin felt both burning hot and ice cold at the same time, the way he imagined it would feel if you dove into a pool while someone branded you with a burning claw – the way that left scars.

General Audiences. 1.6k words. (Complete)

[fluff and angst, reunions]

Memento Mori by @cas-essence

Dean is annoyed to find out that they forgot to wrap up the case of Benjamin’s stabbing. Still, he finds himself intrigued as he is told that the dead angel had owned an apartment and he, Sam and Cas drive back to have a look around. Old wounds are opened and start to heal as Cas is finally able to say goodbye to one of his siblings properly.

General Audiences. 8k words. (Complete)

[ep 12x10, hurt Castiel, hurt/comfort, team free will, pining dean, fluff and angst, Angel headcanons]

Good Scotch (Is the Way to Dean’s Heart) by @braezenkitty

A sort of coda to 12x13, inspired by 12x14 and this post, and set between the two episodes. Dean’s pissed about Mary lying to them and putting lives in danger—for putting Cas’ life in danger. He’s angry and he needs some comfort and distraction. He also needs another bottle of scotch. Castiel provides.

Teen and Up. 3.5k words. (Complete)

[Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Winchester Coping Mechanisms, First Kiss, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant]

Careless by @lies-unfurl

Castiel has always obeyed Ishim.

Explicit. 1.5k words. (Complete)

[Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Castiel, Castiel Whump, Episode: s12e10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets]

Warnings: rape/non-con, suicidal thoughts

Angels Calling by @hefellfordean

Post s12e17: Castiel has tracked down Dagon and Kelly Kline with the help of other angels, after the Winchesters and Eileen let her go, and calls Dean for help. Dean has to deal with Cas’ return to Heaven and is worried about what that means for their relationship.(Basically my guess about what would happen to Kelly Kline before the final episodes aired)

Teen and Up. 2.7k words. (Complete)

[Canon Divergence, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, BAMF!Cas]

Just Pretend by @thursdays-fallen-angel

After Sam’s footsteps crunch over the gravel and disappear into the house, the only sound remaining is Dean’s ragged breathing, and the thundering of his own heartbeat in his ears.

General. 2k words. (Complete)

[Angst, 12x23 spoilers, Fix-It]

Hymnal by @humanformdragon

When Castiel meets Mary on the way to the Bunker, they end up talking about the past, and about doubt, and about decisions. Castiel recalls a past Christmas, one where Anna was ordered to carry out God’s will in a village no-one now remembers, and he finds he isn’t so sure of when his first steps towards Falling were taken.

General Audiences. 7.8k words. (Complete)

[Castiel and Mary talk, Conversations, Destiel is background, Mostly me musing on Castiel’s past, s12 time frame]

May I Have This Dance? by @thefiendishfangirl

Mary takes a quiet moment to teach Castiel to dance.

Teen and Up. 1.1k words. (Complete) 

[slow dancing, fluff, implied smut, supportive mary, cockblock sam]

Untitled by @deanwinchcester

Based on this post. Cas can sense lies and confronts Dean on the “you’re our brother” line.

General Audiences. 369 words. (Complete)

[first kiss, 12.19 coda]

lifeless by @casitels

Dean brings Cas’ hand to his lips, and for a moment, he leaves it there.

General. 196 words. (Complete)

[Coda, Episode: s12e23 All Along the Watchtower]

Warnings: Major Character Death

the (not so) reluctant big spoon by @woefulcas

dean and cas get some much needed time together while sam works a case with eileen - sleepy morning cuddles ensue

General Audience. .5k words. (Complete)

[hunter husbands, extreme fluff, sleepy morning cuddles, dean likes being the little spoon but he wants to wrap himself around cS ok, it’s a struggle, s12 should have had more fluff and cuddling and i’m bitter about it]

The Way Out by @awed-frog

Things are going pretty good, which is why Dean should have seen it coming. Sam and Toni are so in love it’s disgusting, the big monsters are all gone or dead, and Dean and Cas - yeah, okay, so they kissed and now they’re kind of together, okay? Shut up.

No, the second Dean had caught himself thinking about food processors and beach holidays, he should have fucking known his happy ending would turn around and kick him in his fucking teeth. And now it has, and they’re supposed to get on a damn plane and put on monkey suits and have Christmas dinner at Lord and Lady Bevell’s, and Dean just can’t - he can’t face it, he can’t breathe, he can’t even see through the injustice of it all, because Cas - Cas -

Mature. 67k words. (Complete)

[Angst and Feels, Pining, Friendship, Time Travel, First Kiss, First Time, Declarations Of Love, Team Free Will, Young Winchesters, Profound Bond, Canon Compliant]

softly; because we are screaming by @cuddlemonsterdean

He’d tried, all through dinner. Fuck, did he try. They’re a family and families eat together. But the food just didn’t wanna go down. As if there were still words locked in his throat, words of hurt and accusation, and they were in the way. The more he tried to get past them, the harder it got to talk. Like his insides were torn between heaving it all up and keeping everything inside.

Teen And Up Audiences. 1k words. (Complete)

[implied/background Deancas, implied one-sided Crowley/Dean, 12x14 Coda]

Warnings: implied panic attack, implied selectively mute!Dean

Season 12 episode codas series by @whichstiel

A series of 24 episode codas for season 12 - one unique story for each episode, plus a bonus story for that Endverse prop photo from episode 2. Features Destiel, Rowena, Mary, Crowley, Lily Sunder, the Banes twins, and Saileen.

Generic to Explicit, 32.5k words. (Complete)

The sun cannot fall from the sky by @the-idiot-under-your-bed

Coda for 12x23. “Just know that no matter what anyone says, they love you. I love you, and Dean loves you. Just, don’t give up, ok? Come back home.” 

Teen and Up. 1.3k words. (WIP)

[12x23 coda, angst, wayward sisters are there too, anger, canon character death, character return?]

The Death of Reservations by @60r3d0m

Maybe at some point, he had stopped believing. But not believing hadn’t stopped him from ducking into the room that he had prepared for Cas’ return every month. Not believing hadn’t prevented him from dusting the shelves and washing the sheets and accumulating stupid knick-knacks for Cas to have because they had reminded Dean of him.

But now Cas is back.

Before Dean can call him, he’s standing in the doorway (coda to 12.23).

Mature. 616 words. (Complete)

[Love confessions, caretaker Dean, Castiel in the Bunker]

All Was Well (Previously: Fuck You) by @hunterangelkisses

Dean might never admit it, but this was all he needed in life: him and his Baby and Cas (who was his second Baby, really) and his brother and Eileen, his mom would be back in a few days… Jody had called to check in earlier with stories about the girls, and even Donna had called the day before to tell them how things were going in Stillwater. In other words, here it is, the sweetest, fluffiest fic ever as a giant FUCK YOU to Bucklemming (or Fucklemming, as I’ve been calling them) and the other SPN writers.

General Audiences. 1.7k words. (Complete)

[fluff, established relationship, marriage proposal, fix-it for 12x21 There’s Something About Mary]

Balance And New Beginnings by @hekate1308

Dean turns his back on his family and the legacy of the Men of Letters when he learns Sam and Mary have been working with their British counterparts behind his back. Joining Cas on good-old-fashioned hunting trips, occasionally aided by Crowley, he soon learns there are more good monsters out there than he ever thought possible. And they need a protector.

Meanwhile, Sam is growing more and more lonely until one day, he looks in the mirror and doesn’t recognize the man staring back at him. Is it too late to return to the brother he’s let down so many times before?

General Audiences. 54k words. (Complete)

[Dean/Cas, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Season 12 AU, post-12x14]

You, You’re Everything by @spearywritesstuff

Castiel tells Dean about his last days in his female vessel. Ishim said that humans were dangerous and that being close to them made one weak, but twice now Castiel has tested that theory, once in 1901 and now with Dean.

General Audiences. 1.7k words. (Complete)

[Coda for 12x10, Lily Sunder Has Regrets]

Say it Again? by @a-fandom-life-for-me

Back in the bunker after the events of 12x12, Dean is furious with Castiel and his deathbed “I love you.” The sexual tension reaches its breaking point and Dean discovers just how much Castiel actually loves him

Mature. 8k words. (Complete)

[Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Season/Series 12, Season/Series 12 Spoilers, Wingfic, Angel Wings, Men of Letters Bunker, Bunker Sex, Castiel in the Bunker, Sam Ships It, Grace-Powered Orgasms, Angelic Grace, Grace Kink, Soul Bond, Love, Anal Sex, Rough Sex]

O’ Christmas Tree Series by @osirisapollo

This series was written before we really knew how terribly anti-family Mary was going to be. It’s based around Christmas/New Years and has the whole Winchester family (including Cas!) happily celebrating the holidays together. Dean/Cas get together series, starting with a ficlet on how Dean figures out his feelings for Cas.

Teen and Up. 13.5k words. (Complete)

[Tooth-rotting Fluff, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Sam Ships it, Mary Ships It, Holidays, Humor, First Kiss, Family Feels, Everything is Fine and Nothing Hurts]

Still Missing (Gotta Tell You Something) by @profound-boning

“I hope they don’t come for you, Cas. God knows what would happen if they somehow found out about the Bunker. If they…”

Dean cuts himself off and Castiel strains to pick up more. Dean’s longing is still strong, and a tug from Sam’s soul echoes in Castiel’s grace. After so many years, Sam is a brother in all but blood to Castiel. And Dean, well. Dean says “you’re our brother” and also “I need you” and Castiel can’t help but think maybe Dean doesn’t always say what’s really in his heart.

General. 2.4k words. (Complete)

[Canon Compliant, Episode: s12e09 First Blood, Coda, POV Castiel. Mutual Pining, Love Confessions]

[megansescape]

Memories.

This is one of my entries for @sdavid09‘s Taleteller’s winter challenge. My AU was Police Officer Au paired with the song When she loved me by Sarah McLachlan. This was Beta’d by the amazing @inmysparetime0.Tags are below the cut, I am using the tag lists from @mrswhozeewhatsis and the SPN Fanfic Pond. If I have incorrectly tagged please let me know and I will remove you asap.

Summary: When the reader is injured, Police Officer Dean Winchester is distraught and begins to remember the path they took that led them to where they are now. 

Pairing: Dean X Reader.

Warnings: Angst, Gunshot wound, Blood, Character Death, Grief.

Word count: 4835.

Dean P.O.V.

“We need help here quick, we have a female patient with ballistic trauma to the chest, punctured lung, possible broken ribs, major blood loss with possible internal bleeding. She is in need of an immediate blood transfusion and we need to get her in the E.R stat.” The paramedic conversed to the nursing team around her as she wheeled in Y/N on a stretcher. “She has been stabilized but has flatlined twice on the way over, she had to be defibrillated three times before her heart rate stabilized.”

I lost sight of her as the medical staff wheeled her away, her blood coating my hands and shirt, tears falling down my face. I stood there praying that she would be okay, I needed her to be okay, I couldn’t lose her again. We had been through so much and this couldn’t be how it ended, I loved her too much to let her go. A hand on my arm pulled me out of my thoughts and I turned to face the nurse who stood there with a concerned look on her face.

“Officer, are you okay? Are you injured at all?” She asked me whilst skimming my body with her eyes, her gaze coming to rest on the blood staining my skin.

“No this... this isn’t my blood, i...it’s….it’s my partner’s.” It was all I was able to say before the churning of my stomach became too much. I raced for the bin and vomited the contents of my stomach into it, retching when there was no more left. When my stomachs convulsions finally stopped, I slowly raised my head and was promptly passed a napkin. As I reached to grab it, I again caught sight of my bloody hands and felt nauseous once more, swallowing down my reaction I grabbed the napkin and wiped my mouth before disposing of the soiled napkin.

“I can show you the bathroom if you want to clean up a little.” The nurse offered me politely.

“Thanks.” I said stiffly before following her to the nearest bathroom, she gestured me inside and then walked off to resume her duties. As I walked into the room, locking the door behind me, I was hit with the overwhelming urge to scrub myself clean of her blood...her pure, innocent...NO. I shook my head clearing those thoughts from my mind, I had to be strong right now, it was the only way I was gonna survive this. As I began washing my hands in the sink, watching the blood come away from my hands and swirl down the drain, I was pulled into my mind, remembering when we first met.

**Flashback**

It was the summertime and I had just joined the police force in my new town of Lawrence, Kansas. I was a relatively new recruit and honestly I was struggling to find my place in the station. I had just finished a huge stack of paperwork after a long day and I was ready to call it a night when I heard it, the most beautiful laugh I had ever heard in my life. I turned to the sound and was met with the sight of a gorgeous woman talking to the chief, I was stunned. I sat there in my chair, gawking at this ravishing woman like a lunatic. She looked over to me and smiled softly. I stood up quickly knocking over my files, feeling like both an idiot and a cliche. As I bent down to start picking them, I heard her giggle and couldn’t find it in myself to care how silly I looked.

As I picked up the files on the floor I heard the clacking of heels coming over to me, I looked up to see her standing over me with a shy smile on her face. She knelt down and started picking up my files, I knelt there gazing at her awkwardly before rushing to help her. Once we had collected all the files, we both stood up and placed them on the desk, still not saying anything to each other. I scratched the back of my head, nervous and awkward before finally gathering the courage to speak.

“Thanks...um I’m Dean. I’m new here.” I spoke whilst rubbing the back of my neck nervously.

“I’m Y/N, you gonna stand there staring all day or are you gonna come get a cup of coffee with me?” She smirked at me and I knew right then that I was lost.

**End Flashback**

I was pulled from my thoughts by banging on the bathroom door. I quickly turned off the tap and dried my hands. As I was unlocking the door, I was greeted by an aggravated man who pushed passed me to get into the restroom. I made my way to the reception area, knowing it would be too soon for any news about Y/N, I decided to sit down it the waiting room and try to collect my thoughts. I felt like I was in shock, I couldn’t understand everything that had happened. 

As I sat there watching the staff come and go through the hospital halls, I sat and thought of all the lives that hung in the balance in this building, I had never thought of it that way before. I knew that her life was in danger but she was a fighter. I trusted that the Y/N I knew wouldn’t let herself go out like this. She was always so strong, even when she showed her vulnerability, she still radiated strength. I was blessed to be one of the few who had managed to see her softer side. Thinking of the times I shared with her, I started to drift back into my memories.

**Flashback**

Y/N and I had been secretly dating for 6 months now and I had never been happier. I had never felt this way about anyone before and even my family was commenting on how different I was. Of course I couldn’t tell them who I was dating, unfortunately Y/N and I were forbidden to date due to the regulations of the station. It didn’t help that as I had been promoted from paperwork, I was assigned a partner and the chief saw fit to place me with Y/N. This was both a blessing and a curse, we stood to lose more if we were caught but it gave us more of an excuse to see each other everyday.

This was gonna be my first day back in town after visiting my parents for a week and I was looking forward to seeing Y/N, I hadn’t been able to speak to her all week and I had missed her terribly. I walked up the stairs of her apartment complex, flowers in one hand and a six pack of beer in the other. As I reached her door, I felt a bubble of joy build in me at the thought of being able to hold her again.

I knocked on her door and waited for her to answer, I hadn’t told her I was coming so I thought it would be a nice surprise for her. When she opened the door the smile dropped from my face, she had been crying; her eyes were red and swollen, the tears still streaming down her cheeks. She took in the sight of me standing in her doorway and suddenly jumped into my arms, nearly causing me to drop my things. I chose to drop the flowers so that I could wrap an arm around her, holding her close as she sobbed into my neck.

We stood there for a few minutes, her sobbing silently into my shoulder and me swaying her slightly, just trying to calm and relax her so I could find out what was wrong. Eventually she moved away from me, taking a shuddering breath as I let go of her. I reached up using my free hand to wipe some of her tears from her face, she leaned into my palm, smiling sadly as she did. Y/N went back into her apartment silently, motioning me to follow her, and I did after picking up the slightly crushed flowers from the floor. Closing the door behind me, I placed the beer and flowers on the side table as I followed her to the sofa, where there was a hoard of blankets waiting there. She quickly walked through into the kitchen and I heard the tap running, she came back in a minute or two later with a vase filled with water.

“Y/N, you don’t have to do that right now.” She ignored me as she went and put the flowers in the water before placing the vase down on her coffee table and settling down on the sofa. She snuggled under the blankets holding them open for me to climb in with her. As I looked at her tear-stained face, I knew I couldn’t refuse her, I toed off my shoes and removed my jacket and climbed on to the sofa. Taking her in my arms I felt the tension release from her body, relaxing into me completely, I let her relax a while before asking her what was wrong.

“You can tell me what’s wrong you know. No matter what I will never judge you, you know that right?” I asked her gently, hoping that she would confide in me.

“It’s just a lot’s happened since you’ve been gone. I was just so lonely all this week from you being away but I would have been fine if only we hadn’t lost a civilian today, it just pushed me over the edge.” She sniffled as she spoke. I pulled her into my arms, I knew the pain of losing someone on the job and knew there was nothing that could be done to ease the pain. The best thing I could do for her was just hold her and comfort her, then when she was ready, I would treat her and make her laugh and feel better about as much as I could. I always wanted to be here for her, when she was sad, I was sad, when she was happy so was I. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.

**End Flashback**

Shaking my head of the memory, I looked at the time and was shocked to see that it had been an hour since we had arrived. I stood up and went to the desk, needing to know if there was any news.

“Excuse me Nurse...Rice? I was just wondering if you had any news on my partner.” I asked her quietly, sending up a silent plea that there was some good news.

“I am sorry Officer but I can’t give out patient information, not without you being a relative. I’m sorry.” The nurse told me remorsefully.

“Please, she is my partner. I have known her for years, I have just seen her get seriously injured, all I want to know is if she is okay?” I pleaded with her once more, tears building in frustration. She seemed to take pity on me and quickly typed on the computer in front of her. Picking up the phone beside her she made a quick phone call, barely talking at all, just making sounds of affirmation. She thanked whoever was on the other side of the call and hung up.

“I have just spoken with one of the nurses in the O.R and she is currently stable but she is in surgery, we won’t know anything for a while yet, I’m sorry that’s all I can tell you.” She smiled at me regretfully.

“Thank you so much. I really appreciate it, have her relatives been notified?” I was relieved that things seemed to be going okay, it was gonna be tough but we may just pull through this. I wasn’t going to let my hope build too much, I knew that gunshot wounds got complicated way too easily, especially chest wounds.

“Yes all the necessary people have been notified Officer, I’m afraid everything is up to the surgeons now. Try not to worry she is in great hands, the best thing you can do right is to calm down and wait for her friends and family. When they arrive you will all be able to support each other.” She said with a smile, turning back to her computer continuing on with her work. As I went and sat back down in the waiting room the entrance doors opened up, the Chief came marching in followed by a large portion of the police force. They all started making their way to the reception and I rushed over to stop them.

“Guys, stop. Look she is in surgery right now, there is no point going up and bothering them when there is nothing they can do. Come sit in the waiting room with me.” I motioned for them to follow me and they did quickly. Once we were all sitting down in the waiting room the questions started all at once, it was overwhelming trying to understand everyone all at one time. The Chief whistled sharply silencing the room, everyone turned to face him, he walked over to me choosing to sit in the seat beside me.

“How is she?” He spoke calmly.

“I don’t know much, just she is in surgery and they are doing everything they can.” I responded softly.

“Were you hurt?” He asked.

“No, it should have been me though.” I knew it should have been, she was too good for this to happen to her.

“Cut the crap Winchester. We all know that if the roles were reversed she would be saying the same thing. Neither of you should be here, it was supposed to be a simple domestic dispute. I don’t want to hear any of this rubbish alright?” He commanded me and he refused to look away from me until I nodded. We all sat there silently waiting for news on Y/N. I started thinking of the past once more.

**Flashback**

It was a week before Christmas and it had all gone wrong. Y/N and I had been caught by the Chief, hooking up in one of the interrogation rooms and he was bringing us in for a meeting. I was waiting outside his office as he spoke to Y/N and the nerves were starting to get to me. I couldn’t stop fidgeting, I needed to know what was going on. Just then the door opened and the Chief motioned for me to come in. I took a seat on the seat next to Y/N, I looked to her trying to give her some reassurance but she just looked away from me. I frowned, worry creeping back into my thoughts.

“Officer Winchester, I have heard all I need to from Officer Y/L/N. I understand that this has been going on for quite some time, despite both of you knowing it was against regulations. Do you have anything to say in your defence?” The Chief spoke quickly and sternly. I swallowed and braced myself as much as I could.

“Yes Chief, I do. I love Y/N and she loves me. I know it against the rules but you can’t help who you fall for. Please take that into consideration.” I pleaded with him. I knew we were likely to lose our jobs from this but I knew we could survive it together.

“Well Officer Winchester, whilst that is an incredibly sweet speech, you still broke the station rules. You two are two of my best officers, for that reason and that reason alone, I am going to give you a choice. Stop this romance now, be assigned different partners and remain at a professional distance from each other...or you can both give up your jobs here and find work in a different station. It’s your choice.” I looked at him calmly, relief filling my body.

“We will leave…” “We will split up.” I looked over at Y/N gobsmacked. I couldn’t understand why she would say that. She just looked away from me.

“I am sorry Dean but my career comes first, it has to.” Y/N spoke quietly, still refusing to look me in the eyes. I could feel my heart breaking, I thought we had something worth fighting for.

“Fine, I see how it is. Okay Chief, it’s over. Done.” I said coldly, willing myself to not break in front of them but I was barely hanging on. “Are we done here for now Chief?”

“Yes Officer Winchester, you may go. Take a couple of days off, give yourself sometime to distance yourself from the situation.” I nodded at him before quickly leaving the room and heading to my locker. I pulled out my belongings and headed out into the snow, making my way to the local park. Once I was there I sat down on a snow sodden bench, not caring about the cold wetness seeping into my legs. I went into my bag and pulled out the black jewellery box that I had bought Y/N for Christmas. Opening the box I pulled out the snowflake necklace I had bought her as an early anniversary present. I held it in my hand for a moment, squeezing it in my palm tightly, closing my eyes as a single tear falling down my cheek. I let out a shuddering breath dropping the necklace into the snow, hoping that whoever found it gave it to someone who loved them as much as I loved her. I stood swiftly and walked away to my lonely apartment.

**End flashback**

I had been waiting here for two and a half hours and the fear was starting to get to me. Every time we would ask for an update, we would get told the same thing, that she was in surgery and that we would just have to wait. I didn’t know how much longer I could wait, I was sure I was going insane from hanging about this room. I was exhausted from the shock and trauma of the day and was about ready to pass out from exhaustion.

“Why don’t you get some rest? We will wake you if we get any news.” The Chief asked me.

“I don’t know. I want to be...yawn... awake just in case.” I stretched trying to wake my body up.

“Get some sleep Winchester. There is nothing any of us can do right now. That’s an order Winchester.” He said smiling at me kindly.

“Thanks Chief.” I laid back in my seat and closing my eyes, the events of just a few hours ago replaying in my sleep, creating one of the worst nightmares I had ever experienced.

**Nightmare**

It had been 3 years since Y/N had ended our relationship and we had kept our distance from each other. Unfortunately we were having a crime spree at the moment and lack of resources had forced us to be paired together for the first time in years. I had been reluctant due to never really finding closure with her, but I knew that I could be professional about this and not allow it to affect my work. We were on our way to a suspected domestic assault case, we were prepared and professional but we were still refusing to talk to each other. When I looked at her, I couldn’t help but notice that she was even more beautiful than before. I shook my head quickly, turning away from her, I couldn’t allow myself to be distracted by her. We pulled up outside the property and exited the car, walking to the door I allowed her to take the lead, knowing she handled domestic disputes better. I was more suited to being back up in cases like this, knowing that she had a kind face and gentle demeanour that generally lowered people’s guard. Knocking on the door we waited for an answer, a young woman came to the door.

“Hello?” The woman seemed scared.

“Hi there, we are from Lawrence PD. We heard there has been a bit of a disturbance here, is everything okay?” Y/N asked whilst trying to peer in the property. I was taller than her and I could see a little further in, I was able to spot a man pacing back and forth at the back of the room. I kept my eyes on him, not trusting his body language and obvious agitation.

“Yeah, everything’s fine Officers. Please leave.” She tried closing the door but Y/N wouldn’t let her, placing her foot in the doorway preventing the door from closing.

“Well then you won’t mind us coming in and having a quick check.” Y/N replied sweetly, pushing open the door. The man reacted before I could warn her, drawing a gun as Y/N swung open the door, shooting her without hesitation. As her body flew backwards with the force of the impact, I drew my gun, shooting him in the shoulder. He dropped the gun and I rushed over handcuffing him, radioing for help as I did. I then rushed back to Y/N, ignoring the screaming civilian, I applied pressure to the bleeding wound. I moved her shirt to be able to see the wound on her chest better and that’s when I saw it, a glimmer of silver sparkling. I placed my hand on her wound trying to stem the blood flow whilst she tried moving her arm up towards her chest.

“No, no Y/N. Stay still okay, help will be here soon and you will be okay. You just need to stay calm okay?” I pleaded with her, knowing that the more she panicked and moved around, the more damage that would be done to her body. Still she reached up and grasped the chain of the necklace she was wearing, holding the pendant out for me to see, when I saw it fully I was shocked. It was the pendant I had bought her all those years ago, I had dropped it into the snow, how did she have it now?

“All those...all those years ago, I followed you out into the snow. Cough. I needed to make..make sure you were gonna be okay. I saw you drop this an...a...and...I picked it up. I have never stopped wearing it.” I held her close, still applying pressure to her wound as tears began streaming down my face. “I made the wrong choice that day. I should have chosen you.”

“We still have time. We can start again, you and me against the world.” I smiled down at her, sniffling as I continued to cry. “Where’s that ambulance? It should be here by now.”

“I should have said this a long time ago Dean.” She spoke softly, gasps for air leaving her body as she got weaker.

“Shh Y/N, you can tell me soon. Please save your strength.” I begged her, she shook her head slightly.

“I will always love you Dean.” I smiled down at her, it was all I had ever wanted to hear for the past three years. As I looked down noticed her eyes were closed, fear welled up inside me.

“Y/N...Y/N… wake up. Please.” Realising I could still feel her heart beating against the hand resting on her wound, I breathed a small sigh of relief. She must have passed out from the pain, so long as I could feel her heartbeat I knew she was going to be fine. Just then I heard the siren of the ambulance and the police, she would be okay.

**End Nightmare**

“Dean.. Dean. Wake up.” I jolted awake with a gasp, I saw the chief standing over me. Looking around, it took me a minute to realise where I was and why I was here. I had been hoping that it had all been some terrible dream. As I looked towards the door I noticed a nurse and a doctor coming over, he must have been one of the surgeons as he was wearing blood stained scrubs.

“Chief, I think they have some news.” I said to him hopefully.

“Chief Singer, I am afraid I am going to have to ask to speak to Officer Winchester privately.” The doctor asked him politely, the Chief nodded and motioned for the few other officers that were there, to follow him out of the room.

“What’s wrong Doctor? Is she okay?” I asked him nervously, unsure of what was going on.

“Officer Winchester, Miss Y/L/N had you as her emergency contact and as you are the closest living contact we have for her, we have to speak to you privately.” The doctor told me, his gaze shifting sporadically. “Miss Y/L/N had multiple injuries when she was shot, not only was there the initial wound but the bullet had broken one of her ribs and some of the shards had penetrated one of her lungs, causing it to collapse. Luckily the bullet missed all her internal organs, so we were able to fix this and remove the shards safely but what we didn’t realise was something more dangerous was happening. One of the shards had flown at such a speed in a completely different direction to the rest, towards the heart. The shard didn’t manage to fully penetrate the heart but…”

“But what Doctor?” I could feel my stomach churning, I was petrified. “She’s okay right?”

“I’m afraid not, whilst the shard didn’t penetrate her heart, it did manage to nick a major artery and weaken its integrity. This coupled with the stress her body was under from the cardiac arrests and the collapsed lung meant that the artery began leaking blood at an alarming rate. I am so sorry Officer Winchester but she passed away. There was nothing we could do. I am so sorry.” The Doctor looked at me, guilt written on his face as I took deep shuddering breaths.

I couldn’t believe it, she was gone. How was I supposed to carry on without her? I fell back down into the chair, sobs wracking through my aching body. I tried to breathe through the sobs but found myself only crying harder, the thought of her gone tearing through me like cold steel, I was being ripped apart and I didn’t think I could stop.

The Doctor left the room to tell the others, whilst the nurse sat down beside me, trying her best to calm me as I let out a guttural scream of agony. It was a long, long time before the sobs turned my throat raw, making my voice raw and hoarse. The nurse was about to leave, the Chief was getting ready to take me home, snippets of their conversation leaking through the sound of the blood roaring in my ears, her family would be here soon and they couldn’t see me like this, it would be too much for them. All I knew was that in all my life, I had never known pain like this.

The nurse knelt in front of my one finally time as I sat there silently, having gone into shock hours ago, she took a hold of my hand and pressed something inside.

“She said you would need this to ground you, if it came to it. She passed it to me whilst we were prepping her for surgery, her last thoughts were of you. I know that might not be much of a comfort right now but it may help later on. The Chief is gonna take you home now, he’s gonna stay with you awhile, make sure you're okay. He is gonna give you some medicine; one for your throat, one to help you sleep. You need to rest okay? Goodbye Officer Winchester.” The nurse left and I looked down into my palm to see a single snowflake necklace.

**Two weeks later**

“She was the best of us all and I was never a better man than when I was with her. I am sorry for the long speech, I know there are many others who want to talk about her and the impact she had on their lives. There wasn’t a person she met, who was unaffected by her. That’s why I loved her, she was always happy, strong and kind. She made everyone’s lives better.” I looked around at everyone who was gathered here for Y/N’s funeral. I looked at her gravestone, a small, wistful smile on my face as I remembered all the good things she had done with her life.

“My life will never be as good as when she loved me.”

Y/N Y/L/N.

Daughter, Friend, Officer.

The rarest snowflake of them all.

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