#dean forrester can suck my left nut

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls Season 1, Episode 21 ("Love, Daisies, And Troubadors"). Part 1

WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS EPISODE: We're on the last episode of Season 1! Luke "Fixes Lorelai's Porch Rail" and wakes the neighbors. Lorelai asks Luke to Pound One More Thing while he's out there. Lorelai has a dirty conversation at work with Max. Max watches Lorelai suck on a ring pop. Luke breaks in Lorelai's back door. Clara Forrester needs a foster home. Rory pours her heart out at a town meeting and everyone pity claps.

"Ms Gilmore, I'm here to fix your porch rail.* "Well, my porch rail does need a lot of screwing, hammering, nailing, and pounding Mr Danes." *porny music begins playing* (disclaimer: this conversation did not actually happen). "You're gonna wake the neighbors." (this was actually said)

STOP LOBBING ME SO MANY SOFTBALLS! If you keep making all the dirty jokes for me I'll be out of a job reviewing a 22 year old tv show to 3 people on a dying social media platform! Luke disappears as Rory shows up causing Lorelai to loudly exclaim "He was banging on something!" about 4 times. You wish.

Michel Wisdom: "I've made peace with the fact that everyone who calls here is a notch above brain dead, and the pennies I am thrown each week are in exchange for me dealing with these people in a nonviolent manner and usually that is fine, but today, sorry lady, I have ennui." Max calls Lorelai at work and they have a converation insinuating some kind of roleplay situation recently took place and they also talk about having sex withdrawals. Remember the time Max called Lorelai at work and they had a conversation about removing each others pants? Poor Sookie, already suffering from ennui, and the rest of the kitchen staff have to hear Lorelai and Max talk about how someone should write a novel about their Sex. Does she know about Archive of Our Own? Does she know that in the future a number of people will have written novels about her Sex with Luke? But not ol Max Medina.

Oh no, Rory found the DeanBox that she told Lorelai to throw away. Of course Lorelai didn't throw it out. Let's be real. Who's the one who really wants to hang on to pieces of Dean here? Lorelai explains that Rory "Is gonna want some of that stuff one day, when you're old and married, and you can look back and say "I certainly had an interesting life!" I'm sensing a theme here, which is that Dean's lot in life is to make Rory's life more interesting for her mother. Sure, Rory is going to want to keep her Dean box until she is old and married. Girls always keep boxes of their high school boyfriend's random shit for decades. "You can pull out all your old boyfriend boxes." I DON'T CARE THAT HE'S STILL 5 EPISODES AWAY, WHERE IS THE JESS BOX?! What was in the ChristopherBox? The box of expired condoms that led to Rory? I KID. I KID. Contents of the DeanBox Full Of Garbage Pointless Crap were as follows: Idk what the first thing was supposed to be-a dress? A stuffed chicken. Box of corn starch. Quarter on a string ("medallion"). OH WHAT PRECIOUS MEMORIES!

I love the Caboodles case in the background. When you're all grown up and married to your StepCousin Jess and open up your Deanbox, maybe the quarter will have appreciated in value. Rory is hesitating to enter Doose's because Dean will be working there. We're STILL doing this? Boycotting small businesses, hurting the local shopkeep every time you break up with a boy? Oh, the shopkeep here is Taylor, carry on not giving him your money.

Lane starts jumping up and down OMG'ing and freaking out just because Rory is going into the market. She didn't even have a plan yet. Everyone in this town has rotting fish carcasses for brains. The "this" is Dean & Rory getting back together. God help me. Time and time again, we see the primary lesson of Gilmore Girls is this: Don't date someone who lives in your small town. After your inevitable break up, you'll be doomed to wander the streets, unable to enter any businesses, and eventually you will starve to death. Don't shit where you eat, as Milo would say.

Honestly though I love Lane. How could you not? Taylor accuses Rory of looking like a shoplifter. The nerve! Like Rory would ever steal anything!

Mikey's an improvement from Dean! Go for it Rory! "He took Thursday afternoon off. He must have met one of those Thursday afternoon girls. They're slutty girls who get guys to switch their Thursday afternoons with another checkout guy so they can go do slutty Thursday afternoon things." It's fine if you want to calling hypothetical girls you don't know sluts, so we'll just keep calling you Mary, it only seems fair. Rory: Lane, you'd tell me if you ever saw Dean with another girl at school? Well, she never told you when Jess stopped showing up for class, so idk how reliable this girl really is.

"Suck my left nut" is my catchphrase of the week, and Diet Logan can suck my left nut.

Classic Diet Logan. DL lies to Madelyn and Louise by telling them Rory agreed to go with him to the PJ Harvey concert, which enrages Paris, who is still infatuated with Tristan, apparently, for some reason.

Shut up Rachel, can't you see there is a dalmatian behind you? Show some respect. Rachel: Luke's been at your place alot. Lorelai: Yeah, well, he's been fixing some things. The porch rail. Some roof shingles, then the porch rail again. Luke's been spending an awful lot of time "fixing the porch rail" Eh? Eh? Heh heh.

A Troubador War is a brewin'. Luke scares Lorelai when she unexpectedly finds him in her house. The following exchange requires no further commentary from me: Lorelai: How'd you get in here? Luke: I came in through your back door. Lorelai: My back door's locked. Luke: Well that's why I came through it. Your back door lock was broken. Lorelai: My back door lock is fine. Luke: Your back door lock is cheap. (this exchange goes on way too long). #BackDoor Nitpick Time! My favorite time! Same episode:

Lorelai Gilmore, Milk Denier. And a cracker denier as well. (She once said she didn't keep crackers in the house when a box of Saltines was clearly visible in her kitchen in the same episode). "I'm a loner." "I don't want to hear about the romance of being a loner." "Some guys are just natural loners." "Yes, lonely guys." "Independent guys." "Sad guys." "Maverick guys." "Lee Harvey Oswald." "John Muir." "The Unabomber." "Henry David Thoreau." "Jess Mariano." Okay you got me. I made that last one up.

Being a Milk Whore is more honest than being a Milk Denier, Lorelai. But is being a Milk Whore more respectable than being a Thursday Afternoon Supermarket Slut?

The House Of Forrester. House of The Damned.

Sure she's annoying as hell, but how did Dean's parents spawn an otherwise normal child? Honey, I have some news. I think you were adopted.

Apologize at once, Rory Gil. Poor Clara didn't ask to be born a Forrester. She doesn't need you traumatizing her too. Lorelai's bringing Max to a town meeting to pop his Town Meeting cherry. And oh boy, it's gonna be a good deflowering.

You have to admire MaxMedina's earnest enthusiasm about Ring Pops, like he just discovered the wheel. I was eating Ring Pops in the early 90's. Stars Hollow is at least a decade behind the times for everything, so I guess it checks out.

A sea of weirdoes. I'd say that if you packed any more oddballs into that tiny room you'd open up some kind of vortex to another dimension, but Stars Hollow is already not of this Earthly realm.

The American political landscape.

Piece of literal human garbage. I haven't dunked on Dean in a bit so I had to let it out. I get all backed up otherwise. Subjecting minors like poor Clara to one of these meetings should be classified as child abuse. Anyone want to open up their home to an incredibly annoying but sweet foster child?

Boring old MaxMedina just soaking up the weirdness and sipping his drinkydrink.

How does a Town Troubador make a living? Is this a volunteer gig he takes too seriously? Taylor somehow didn't know he existed, so this is not some local government-sponsored initiative. Clearly no one is going to pay him in tips. No one even pays for their food at the beloved local restaurant. Taylor asks him "what do you do for a living"? to which he responds "I don't want people to know those things." Ah yes the old Jess Mariano approach. A gigolo? A WalMart worker? A "messenger" for a guy named Todd? Miss Patty: He doesn't accept money. I tried. So not a Gigolo then. Taylor: This troubador act is a money making scheme! Prett-y rich coming from Taylor Doose who spends 7 years putting together "Fundraisers" to repair a tiny wooden bridge and is totally not pocketing the money. Taylor's the type of guy who says things like "no one wants to work these days!" but then this nice gentleman is out there trying his best probably hoping for a few bucks thrown into his guitar case, which is a pipe dream since this is Stars Hollow and no one pays for anything, and Taylor calls him a vagrant and a scammer. Taylor: Watch out Morey, after that anatomically explicit epithet your wife yelled at me earlier, you're both on probation. Oh Babette! I'd love to know what she called him. A cocksucker? A dickhead? Did she tell him to suck her left nut?

Pervy old Max Medina only bought Lorelai a ring pop for one reason and he's thinking he got his money worth.. Looks like Lorelai returned the favor and bought him a hot dog to suck on. The speech to follow is one of my all time favorite Rory moments and I truly enjoy it (ironically). Enjoy. "I have something to say!" *awed hush falls over the town hall* "Sometimes you have something to say but you can't because the words won't come out! Or you get scared or feel stupid! If you could just write a song and sing it, then you could say what you need to say and it would be beautiful and people would listen and you wouldn't make a complete idiot of yourself! All of us can't be songwriters, we'll never be able to say what we're thinking so we'll never get the chance to make things right again! Ever!"

I was about to type "And then everyone clapped" as a joke. And then everyone actually clapped.

Honestly, Barfbag's puzzled reaction to Rory's speech is the most reasonable one. Where the fuck that did come from Rory Gil? She took one look at that soiled mattress Dean Forrester and suddenly a prepared speech comes flowing forth?

Yeah. Everyone briefly pity-claps for Rory. Lorelai gives her a small hug. No Babette yelling "you go Sugar!" or anything of the sort. We see another brief shot of Dean looking confused. The meeting concludes. I applaud Rory's lack of social anxiety. If I gave an impromptu speech like that in front of what I would expect was a supportive crowd and no one even reacted, the humiliation would be a debilitating weight I would carry around for at least the next 15 years.

"Let's go home and you can suck on my Ring Pop." Tumblr only allows you to post 30 pictures per post, but just like Rory Gil, I have a lot to get off my chest, so I will continue this in a second post/ part 2. See you soon...

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, 2/18 “Back In The Saddle” (more glorious filler) Part 2

Wow, Netflix really borked the captions in this scene.

Thinking about how the Chilton Crew wants Lorelai to come to the school and advise their business class, and then I remembered that in a season 3 episode (the one where Lane dyes her hair purple) she does just that at Stars Hollow High, but it didn't exactly go well for her, because instead of asking her questions about what it's like to run an inn, the students were more interested in why 16 years earlier she let Crustypher Hayden boink her on her parents' balcony in the middle of the winter. Then an army of PTA Karens (or Debbies, in that case) approach her outside the school and the word "Condoms" is thrown about, absolutely scandalous. So perhaps she's better off giving this one to Richard.

I swear to gawd, Lorelai, you better give my boy Michel a day off with no questions asked, after all the times you abandoned your post in the last few weeks to help Lucas and left poor Michel to pick up your shifts. She thankfully doesn't give him any guff. We then learn he is (apparently?) excited about his mother coming to visit, while Sookie and Lorelai try to remedy Sookie's misprinted wedding invitations by screaming at some poor underpaid customer service agent who is probably Kirk. Glorious, pointless filler!

A few moments later, Lorelai declines Rory's invitation to Business Advise her and she suggests she asked Richard instead, so Rory goes and visits Richard and he...also declines. Emily gets wind of this declination and gives Richard the business about letting Rory down, and they get into a spat over it. Spoiler alert: He eventually changes his mind.

The sign reads as follows: LIBERTY BELL: The bell in Stars Hollow was cast in 1780 to celebrate the 1st anniversary of the town. The bell cracked the first time it was rung and weighed 2000 pounds. The strike of the bell is E-Flat. On June 6, 1944, when allied forces landed in France, the sound of the bell was broadcast to all parts of the country. Guess that's just another thing they're trying to erase from American history textbooks! Seeing as it's directly next to the gazebo and would be hard to miss, I don't think we ever see this sign again and I don't know why we're seeing it now. Also, there is no actual bell to be seen anywhere in the vicinity. Lane is babbling to Rory about something and I have no clue what she's on about. I had to rewind. Okay, it sounds like she took one of those "Career aptitude" tests at school and it told her she should pursue a career in sales and now she's freaking out over it. R: "Lane, in ten years we'll be having lunch in Paris not discussing if you made quota." Rory is really hoping that in ten years Paris IS her lunch. I'm dirty.

INCOMING!!!!!

The look on Rory's face is like she knows he's coming up behind her. The temperature drops a few degrees whenever he appears. She has a sixth sense for this stuff. She's evolved a series of survival mechanisms. She's like, "if I freeze, maybe he'll just sniff me, see I'm not a threat, and scamper off into the woods. He's more scared of you than you are of him. Stay perfectly still, Rory." Lane, however, is oblivious to the danger, as always.

Women's Reactions To The Arrival Of Dean Forrester: A field guide. Unless you'e Lorelai Gilmore, a typical presentation is quiet, slack jawed terror and/or silently planning an escape route.

Okay butthead, what do you want? How is AmyShermanPalladino going to stuff you into this plot about Rory's grandfather, one that has nothing to do with Boys?

Okay Forrester, you've reached your 1 sentence, four word quota. The time to stop talking is now.

How about you suck my non existent left nut, Forrester?

Please don't do it Rory. I know you have more than 4 brain cells to squeeze together in that smart noggin of yours and you can choose to decline.

She was probably like "Oh yeah Dean I REALLY miss seeing you play softball", the same way she probably said to him "I REALLY want to see Lord of the Rings with you." Dean my friend, it's fine if you can't understand sarcasm, many people can't, and that's OK. But I feel this is causing a bit of a communication issue between you and Rory. For example, you think Rory cares about your stupid hobbies but in actuality Rory would rather see you walk face first into a nest of sexually frustrated hornets than do any of this shit with you.

Are we still on this "I spent one night without Dean so now I have to spend every night with Dean" kick?

NO! NO NO NO. WHY MUST WE DO THIS IN EVERY SINGLE FREAKING EPISODE?! I HATE SEASON 2, I HATE "BARGAINING WITH BUTTHEAD" AND I HATE DEAN FORRESTER! Rory of course fucking COMPROMISES with BUTTZILLA FORRESTER, AGAIN, and agrees to watch him play softball next week if he ALLOWS her to stay home and do her HOMEWORK. GOD DAMN IT RORY GILMORE! ALSO DAMN IT LANE KIM, SAY SOMETHING.

I was so blinded with rage I almost missed the guy cradling a chicken in the background.

Poor Butthead is sad. Wah wah wah. That chicken has more brain cells than you.

Rory got the short end of the stick playing Bargaining With Butthead again, because he's still going to show up at her house later!

Not me going to Google to read up on the weight of a softball and trying to imagine the satisfying crack when one beans him in the head later, knocking him unconcious. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ALL THIS? Just so Jared Padalecki could get a paycheck? Remember how the WB cut Milo a check for not working? Couldn't they have done that to Jared? Go home, kick your feet up, and don't ever come back to this show. If only. Michel's Mom shows up at the Inn and it's a cute Z plot but it means fuckall and I have nothing to say.

We haven't been told why Richard decided to change his mind, but he did. The random student in the group is named Chip, and with a name like that he's definitely a 35 year old posing as a high school student.

Watch as Madelyn effortlessly invents the Amazon Echo (Alexa) (or a smartphone, depending on how you want to frame it, but the fact that it's meant to be stored in one area sounds more like Alexa to me) but Rory says it can't be done because nobody knows how to build a robot. Another brilliant woman whose multi-billion dollar ideas will eventually be co opted by a man. All because Rory didn't know anyone in her high school who could build a highly complex technologically advanced talking assistant in the year 2002. Pity, that. If you think about it, even the "Carrying your stuff" did not have to mean a literal robot butler, but foreshading the way a smartphone stores books and other school materials. Meanwhile Richard is falling asleep and nursing a migraine listening to her incredible pitch probably because she's a Girl, and the two other men in the group are contributing nothing. Louise wants to invent some sort of device to track lost lipsticks. You attach it to your lipstick then press a button on a remote to find it when it get lost? It sounds dumb on the surface then you realize she just invented AirTags. Rory and Paris are not on board with the LipStick LoJack or the Amazon Echo/Iphone. We have two incredibly advanced minds at work here. and they're being absolutely wasted. What this really means is that AmyShermanPalladino was inventing these things well over a decade before they were actually realized and entered the public conciousness. Let's give her some credit. Dang. I can't recall what the winning idea ends up being but I'm sure it will be absolutely usless. Wait, wait, here it comes... Paris' pitches...a first aid kit. Really? This is the brilliant idea that wins out over all the rest (they never bothered to ask Chip The 35 Year Old or Brad for ideas and actually Rory herself never contributed any idea of her own). Richard wants to know why Paris is inventing a) something that already exists b) something free c) something widely available d) something absolutely idiotic and lame and uninteresting to teenagers, and if you gave teenagers free first aid kits they'd probably just take the contents out and chuck them at each other. And what is her brilliant marketing tactic to get the Teens on board?

This idea is so dumb that it's completely out of character for Paris. How's this gonna look on your Harvard application, girly? I'm not gonna say that in 1998 I wouldn't have bought a lunch box full of band aids if someone slapped a picture of the Backstreet Boys on them, but... I don't know how to end that sentence.

Go on Paris, keep on making the old man feel smug and justified in his thinking that teenage girls only care about unicorns and the color pink. Richard: Tricked out first aid kits? You really think that's going to work? Paris: Yes, yes I do. Richard: So do I. It's perfect. I think Richard has been hitting the bottle a little too hard during his retirement. Rory agrees that the idea is just brilliant, the boys have still contributed nothing, and we cut away from the scene with Richard having never asked his own grand daughter to present any ideas.

She should have invented Buttzilla Repellent spray to keep Dean at bay. Honestly.