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[richardberryjr-blog]

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[kai-keda]

So on Tuesday I went to a psychiatrist. 

I guess now is as good a time as any to share what the verdict is. It's funny, I'm kinda scared to go public in any form about this even with this blog being quiet lately due to my recent surge of tweeting.

But this was originally meant to just be a personal blog for my personal business. I never really intended to become a youtuber or to become some name in any fandom but I guess, for better or for worse, that's where I stand. Not that I'm overstating what reach I have, I know I don't have any sort of real fan-community behind me or anything but I do feel like there are people watching me now, again, for better or for worse. I guess maybe that's why it's so hard to come clean about this.

Yet still, while I sit her at 7:41 in the morning regretting a sea of bad decisions that left me wide awake throughout a morning that I should've been sleeping through since the night before, I feel it's important to be honest. I've never struggled with being an open-book and an over-sharer before but with the random hit that caused my stomach and heart to sink low inside of me being what caused me to start writing this post on my phone as I lie in bed wondering why I haven't just typed the words out yet I guess it makes sense.

Well, the truth is, I'm BiPolar. I've been bipolar my whole life and only now has it been officially diagnosed.

I know I made it sound like it was some big serious thing and if the fact that friends and family just accepted it without any question is anything to go by, everyone reading this will probably just groan at how I built it up.

But it's a big deal for me.

Especially right now after I think it finally settled and the numb state of "oh this is a thing, I'm gonna miss those manic episodes though lol" has seemed to pass and I'm left feeling...broken.

For lack of a better phrase I feel broken.

I look back on my life, on all the highs, on all the lows, on all the times I acted out of an anger that I could not control and begged for someone else to stop it as I couldn't stop myself and I feel broken.

I know there aren't a ton of believers on the internet these days but I really feel I need God more than ever right now.

I need help to remember that I'm made in his image.

I need help to remember that he made me for a purpose. I need help to remember that all my kinks and stranger parts are there to fit and to aid that purpose.

I don't know why this hurts more than the previous diagnoses of Social Anxiety or the occasional low of accepting Trichotillomania. I don't know why BiPolar seems so much worse. It's just a mental disorder.

God suddenly typing that and saying it in my head hurts.

Disorder.

It's wrong.

It's not normal.

It's... broken.

I'm taking medication for it now, so that's a plus I guess but will I like who I am? 

There will never be another 10+ hour stream where I get overly-heated over something that I know doesn't matter and then end up with a bunch of the bigger DBYoutuber names talking about their favorite hentai. The medicine Geodon knocks me out too hard.

I'm not taking it tonight because I have to work tomorrow and can't afford to miss it as the medicine will have me do but I don't plan to stop taking it for good.

I’ve been told that the reason some people stop taking the Lexapro is because it works too well. They feel like different people while taking it and decided that learning to live with the Social Anxiety is better than living with the new 'them’.

I don't want to live with BiPolar.

I don't want to live with Trichotillomania.

If the medicines will stop them both then I'll take them.

Racing thoughts and excessive talking is a symptom. Will that leave with everything else? Is that symptom the reason I type as much as I do in responses? Will that leave?

Will the entire identity I've formed of my online persona leave with all the lows and highs and anger problems?

Will I like not being that way?

That abnormal way that is what made me stand out in the first place?

Will I like not being abnormal?

Will I like not standing out?

Will I like being normal?

Will I like being fixed?

Will I like not being broken?

I'll miss the manic phases.

Yes I said that I feel I'm passed the numb phase where I joked about that but I still believe it to be true. I'll miss the funny stories of telling people "hey! I just bought, like, five figures and a couple manga from the 2nd and Charles near my house!".

People seem to like the 10+ hour stream where I yelled at Hail Zeon. Hell, a few people have told me they love that part.

I don't.

I hate it because I was out of control.

If I were analyzing myself the way I analyze stories I would say that my yelling at Hail Zeon about how I resonated with the feeling of being out of control of your anger was a cry for help for him to stop it because that's what was happening.

Maybe that is the case.

"I like your passion. I don't want you to lose that."

That's something my sister would say to me a lot.

She would tell me to not get so personally attached but to not let people tell me I can't be passionate.

I wonder if the medicine will stop that.

All I know about what the medicine is for is that it's made to help me feel normal. I want to know what normal feels like but right now I'm scared.

Will I like what normal feels like?

Will I like not being broken?

Will I like being fixed?

[richardberryjr-blog]

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[richardberryjr-blog]

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[elvisbeck]

I’ll be doing a livestreamof Super Mario Odyssey on January 27! See you there! https://gaming.youtube.com/c/DBYoutube/live