#dazai has ruined my life actually anyone kaiji tang voice atp

[honeyinapot]

The Long Goodbye

I’ve also got this on AO3 and Wattpad uhhh I don’t use tumblr often I don’t think I’ve ever written anything on here since I made the account? If you wanna teach me anything that’d be nice…

Character deaths warning this is Dazai you’re reading about + Beast Light Novel spoilers.

"Osamu, why do you always seem like you're going somewhere?" You murmured to the man laying on your chest.

"Belladonna," His laugh vibrated against you warming the heart he pressed his ear against. "I'm not going anywhere." 

"I know you Dazai, maybe you're not going anywhere but you're planning something." You frowned raising an eyebrow at him, "And you know how much I hate that nickname cut it out." 

A calloused hand slipped from under you, Dazai slide his body above yours before resting his hand on your cheek. Dipping his head and gently kissing the curve of your neck softly. A contrast to the rough hand grazing over your burning ears. 

"Love, forgive me..sometimes I feel as though you'll be the death of me." Dazai cold breath brought chills amongst your spine. "Even outsmarting me in my own game, you know I love it when you call me my name." 

"Osamu." 

"That's better." Before resting his weight against you once more. A comfortable silence trickled in, staring at the ceiling you slipped your hands in his hair massaging his scalp as he controlled his breathing. 

"What are you planning?" 

Dazai grinned up at you. "Well right now I'm planning to cuddle with you for an hour or so then maybe seduce—"

You sat up bending his body uncomfortably above you, he rolled off to an empty side of the bed. 

"Seriously Dazai, I'm trying to have a conversation with you." You furrowed your eyebrows at the steel case beside you, he made you curious. He sighed through his nose and faced the ceiling. 

"Like I said earlier, I'm not going anywhere or planning anything. Can we go back to what we were doing?" 

He was changing the subject, but this had been something you wanted to discuss for awhile now. 

"Dazai, why have I never been to your job? Actually, why won't you let me?"

"I never want to see you there." He still wouldn't look at you. 

"Where do you work?" 

He didn't respond. You pressed your lips together as you stared at him. You wanted him to tell you the truth, you gave him chances, hints, nudges. Now you were pushing. 

"The Port Mafia, (Y/n) I work at the Port Mafia." You said for him. He stilled turning to look at you with wide eyes. 

"What...what did you just say?" 

"Did you expect me to never see a wanted poster with your name on it? Or see the news? Are your bandages on too tight?" Sarcasm poured from you, you didn't want to be cross with him, but if you want to hide something don't do a piss poor job at it. 

Dazai pushed off the bed. He felt around for his deep brown rich coat and shoes. 

"What are you doing?" You stood following him.

"I have to go."

"We're not done talking."

"I'm done...I'm done talking." 

"You're kidding." You breathed out as he approached the door. 

"You face countless threats everyday risking your life, but you're a coward when it comes to me?" 

His back faced you as he held the doorknob with an internal struggle. He shut his eyes seeing something he never wanted to see again. 

"Yes (Y/n), goodnight."

He slipped away leaving only a quiet click of the door. Presenting him with what you knew meant Dazai had more plans to arrange. He only hoped you wouldn't be there when the time came. 

You hadn't heard from him in days and it was getting on your nerves. You only wanted to talk, to understand, to calm your nerves. There'd been more fights breaking out within Yokohama since your last conversation. 

You didn't even know if he was alive. 

You were bristling as you stood in front of the large building. You really meant to calm your nerves but you just weren't able to brush aside your curiosities. 

Suited up men and women stood outside the building as you walked toward the doors. One of them to your surprise held the door open for you. 

"Thank you."

"Enjoy your trip Mrs. Dazai."

The door shut behind you as heat rushed to your face. 

"Mrs?" You mused as your brain finished. You continued to the receptionists desk as the image of that fool pranced around your mind. A small grin rested on your face seeing him jump around room to room, person to person with your picture. 

'Look at my wife!' 

Asking for your 'husband' you made your way to his office. During the elevator ride up you thought about what it would be like to actually marry the man. Your days always filled with adventure. 

The doors opened to a long empty corridor. You heard only the sound of your shoes and the fabric on your thighs rubbing together. 

You stared out at the beautiful day taking in how warm and sunny it was. Maybe you'd bully him into taking you on a date. 

Dazai always had a reason for his actions, maybe you pushed too far. You couldn't wait to see his face to say you loved him and you were sorry. Sliding your hands in your pockets a smile spread across your face and your heart sung. 

But then you saw him.

"Osa...Osa!"

You tried to breathe, make your voice stronger. 

You weren't sure where your mind went as the scream built in your throat. At first you hadn't realized...but then his bandage unraveled and his deep brown eyes met yours for a moment a second and you could've sworn you felt your heart burst as he fell. A tucked away thought that you'd always feared finally came true. 

You wrote for days. 

Blueprints. Drafts. Editing. More drafts. Copies. Then finalized your work onto a page. 

When you awoke in your new world you were certain your days of hurt would be over. All you had to do was find him. So you searched and stumbled upon a coffee shop. 

You slipped above the stairs without alerting anyone. 

Your heart responded to familiar laughter, it made you walk faster brushing past someone.

"Hey!" A distraction you ignored and pushed forward throwing open doors.

"You're not suppose to be in here—" You could faintly feel their hand try to grab you by the arm. 

"What the hell? Hey!"

You finally threw open the door he stood behind. A room in disarray, paperwork fluttering around him and his tan coat as the sunset in the distance. Although you were facing his back you could tell he was grinning at the chaos around him. 

Seeing him again wedged your heart in your throat. Your voice once again faltered, his name fell from your lips as a whisper. It felt like too long since you'd last saw him, nearly moments ago you were cooped up in your room writing to see him again. 

Momentary bliss was destroyed when arms scooped you up pulling you into a frenzy. 

"I've been calling for you throughout the hallway! You can't be up here." Blonde hair floated into your vision as you struggled against him thrusting your body forward and hanging onto the door frame. 

"Dazai you suicidal bastard when I get my hands on you—"

Osamu's head snapped toward the sound of your voice, the smile he dawned earlier slipping as he recognized you. He'd barely been able to piece together your name in his brain as distant memories of your lives together haunted him. 

You reached for the wooden beam above the doorframe hoisting your body for your legs momentum and throwing them back to land into Kunikida's gut. Weakening his grip you slipped from his arms releasing the beam and stormed up to the glowing man before you. 

Without wasting time you pulled his body close grabbing him by his collar. The tan coat felt different on his body compared to his darker attire. 

And his eyes. God, his eyes. You'd never seen both before one had always been enough. But being here seeing light simmering in his deep brown eyes unravelled something in you. You were happy to see him, it finally brought you peace, yet you were also pissed beyond words you couldn't find. 

While you sat in your home writing you hadn't prepared what you'd say to him. You hadn't even thought about the raw emotions you'd have spilling out, the tears you failed to fight. 

Seeing you like this broke him, he hadn't planned to find you again 

"You said you weren't going anywhere, you swore! You never lie Dazai at least not to me! Why? Why? Why?!"

Dazai had loved you many times, but he wasn't sure how he messed up so badly. Well he did, he just refused to believe it. This wasn't his first time writing in the book, but this was his first time seeing your heartbreak. In every timeline he'd created for you he never lived long enough to see the aftermath. He'd never even gotten to the level of being with you, thinking staying afar would be safer, smarter.

Although he countlessly told himself this he always got closer, intertwining himself in your life. Despite his ability Osamu was still human, and humans made mistakes. He couldn't help it, he desperately missed you in his world. He hadn't held you in years, kissed you, heard you, all he'd been able to do was place flowers on your grave.

Only hearing his own voice, holding himself, missing your touch. 

Osamu had met you years before his mafia life. You'd survived in the slums together by outsmarting and stealing from on goers. Today you managed to pickpocket the wrong one. 

"I don't feel too fondly about little pests as yourselves touching me. Unless of course it were my dear Elise." He spoke calmly without a care in the world as he brought a foot down hard onto your abdomen. Your body salivated from the pain allowing you to cough up only that. He dug his heel into you as he grabbed Dazai by the throat. 

"Now which one of you insects has it?" 

You squirmed under the weight as Dazai observed keeping his one eyed gaze hard. 

"Well boy?" Mori tore his eyes from Dazai to you as you writhed beneath him. 

"Doesn't seem like your friend can take much more—" Mori looked back only to quickly release the dangling boy. He narrowly missed a golden metallic butterfly. Quick on his feet Dazai swooped low kicking the man off you. You scrambled toward him both of you bolting out the bright lit alleyway.

You huffed and puffed as you leant over, your lungs and body screaming for air. 

"Let's stay away from that area for awhile." Dazai murmured just as out of breath as you were. 

"You don't have to tell me twice..who even was that guy? I mean who strangles kids!?" Despite being in the wrong yourself he could've defended himself some other way. There's no need to go murdering children. 

"You ignored me only to not know who we were stealing from?" Dazai was as pissed as a fifteen year old could be. 

"I didn't hear you! He looked like an easy mark!" 

"(Y/n), you're the easy mark! His wanted posters are literally everywhere he's from the Port!" 

You ignored the remark he made given your mistake it was justified. 

"Then why didn't you let me take him on? The mafia sucks and you know how my ability works I could've won easy." 

Dazai opened and closed his mouth completely clamping his mouth shut at his reasoning being ridiculous. He couldn't even lie, not to you, never. 

"Because."

"Becauseee?" You annoyingly nudged at his feet. Dazai turned away from you leaving his bandaged side to your sight. 

"Osamu? Because what?" 

This was the truth even if it was partial. 

"Because...dumb old guys focus more on hurting you than me, so it leaves a clear opening to land a hit."

You stared at him void of any emotion.

"What?" He still refused to look at you, but he felt your stare.

"That didn't answer my question." 

Startled he looked at you with red flush on his face and brown eyes bubbling with panic. A funny contrast compared to his usual teasing and stoic personality. 

"I'm suppose to— I—you!" Dazai placed his hands on his face and let out a muffled scream. 

"Do you know what the Mafia is?" Dazai drug his hands across his face as you gave an answer. In his eyes you saw that something wasn't right. 

Barely a second later Dazai had shot toward you crashing your bodies together onto the dirt. As your head hit the ground a giant syringe stuck into the spot Dazai had been. 

"If you're curious, I could show you the definition." You looked in horror as the man you robbed earlier approached you. 

Osamu held you close with a scowl on his face dissipating his earlier fluttering emotions. 

"Join me and maybe I'll spare you the punishment of trying to embarrass me."

A rumbling filled the heated room from the bees residing in it. You opened a window to clear the suffocating feeling. You didn't know how Dazai wore that dark long trench coat when you work together. He should've been hot enough with the bandages on. 

Pulling away from the window you decided to check on your colony's productivity. Lazily stepping toward an angry bee covered corpse you dug into his mouth to retrieve a blood filled honeycomb. Your signature. Your eyes lingered over your work that you'd brutally honed for three years. Crystals gleamed within each hexagonal shape indicating the sweetness. 

Your sights peered over to Dazai who'd been using the torture method on the aspiring new port mafia's boss. In other words a fake using the actual Port's name in vain. Dazai had still been punching the man and you wondered if he'd ever be done. 

"I'm bored Osamu." 

His dark brown eyes met yours a deep void that barely clung to light. 

"Then come over here and finish him off." 

He pulled away as you approached him shaking off the blood on his fist and wiping the rest on his coat. Rolling your eyes you yanked open the boss' mouth and placed the honeycomb made from his deceased partner and placed it. You patted the gang members head to hush him. 

"Be a good boy and don't spit it out. The bees will follow wherever the comb is."

The boss teared up, maybe from pain, maybe from remorse, or from enjoying the sweet treat you left. You didn't really care. The job was done. 

"Don't take us sparing you as a change of heart, we just need you alive for the papers, m'kay sport?"

He had the nerve to cry. 

The both of you turned away, Dazai slipped an arm around your waist as you left the building. 

"Fucking Port Mafia wannabe." 

The walk most of the way back was long..for Dazai at least. 

"Dammit Chuuya's right you are a waste of bandages!" 

Dazai avoided looking at you, which was easy for him. 

"I didn't do anything wrong!" He whined denying your complaints. 

"Nothing wrong? You dropped me!" You pushed the lanky eighteen year old onto the grass. You hadn't expected him to pull you down with him. You shrieked as you tumbled down the hill with him. Your limbs intermingled with Dazai's as well as your laughter. 

"I don't scream like that!" You snickered. 

Dazai mimicked you once more sending both of you into fits of laughter. 

"Stop!" You laughed harder to the point were it hurt to even breathe. 

"It's exactly how you sound!" Tears flooded Dazai's eyes as he held his stomach. It hurt from the laughter so did his heart as he watched you. 

Hair a mess, clothes tussled and blood stained from earliers fight. His heart caught in his throat from how beautiful he found you in the nightlight. He sat up fast feeling dizzy. 

You continued to laugh until you realized you'd been laughing alone. You breathed out, "Osamu?" 

He'd sat up and looked toward the sky. You could barely see his face. Following his lead you also sat up leaning your body against his. 

"Belladonna." He turned toward you leaning closer making your face burn. 

"Is something wrong?" You whispered.

"It's just will you..." Dazai's face shyly lowered to your shoulder, "will you do a double suicide with me?"

Your rising blood pressure rose higher switching from nervousness to anger. You thought he'd been asking you something different. As playfully as you could you shoved him off you.

"No idiot and stop calling me by that stupid flower!" 

He looked at you with puppy eyes.

"So you won't kill yourself with me?" 

"Is there a bandaged squeezing your brain? No!" You stood up even more pissed as you blinked back tears. It frustrates you more that you were upset about this. Every time it felt like he was toying with you. 

"How about I go finish the report and I see you tomorrow Dazai? It's late and I just want to knock this out." 

"Why the formalities (Y/n)? Did I make you upset?" Dazai joined you standing, towering over you with a smirk. You turned away from him fighting hot tears and a tightness in your chest. 

"I'm gonna head back."

You peeled away from him miserably trudging up the grassy hill. Dazai followed behind you hands in his coat pockets. Walking ahead gave you time to cool and brush off negative thoughts. 

"(Y/n)?"

You paused in your steps taking a breath in before turning to him. He stood paces away from you hands now at his sides fidgeting as he balled them up. 

"Is something wrong?" 

A simple question. Simple enough to make the floodgates pour. Enough to have Dazai bolting toward you. 

A few droplets wiped away bloody grim off your face. Dazai's calloused hand held your cheek, his thumb smeared stray tears as he whispered. The street light above you flickered on and the sight of him, the proximity made your chest hurt. 

"Hey, what's wrong?"

You slapped the hand away. 

"You're what's wrong! I don't get you! I just—"

You buried your face in your hands with a sigh. You felt small in this moment, vulnerable. 

"You're so frustrating look I—" You slide your hands off your face. Looking him in the eye you started over. 

"I like you a lot. I don't understand if you like me back because you're always teasing me. Getting my hopes up and then stepping all over them like some game! It's irritating just give me a hint anything!"

He'd clumsily crashed his lips into yours having zero prior experience besides his pillow. He wished Chuuya had taken up his offer on practicing because God was he nervous. You were soft and bittersweet against his lips despite how rigid you were. 

'Fuck, wait.'

Dazai pulled away from you. He shouldn't have done that this wasn't some fairy tale this was real life. Yet when he opened his eyes he saw yours shut tight, face flushed and hands squeezing at your uniform. 

You peeked an eye open with a pout on your face. 

"Why'd you stop?" 

That night something you'd always cherish was the way his eyes shimmered. Pupils blown out wide and a bright light creeping through his eye while he stared at you with a wide grin. 

"You're stiff as a wall."

You'd blush harder if you could. 

"You're awful you know that, Dazai?"

"Osamu." He leaned closer to your face.

"What?" 

"When you're happy, mad, or angry even with me call my name. We've known each other for too long, but it's alright we'll have more than enough time to practice."

You tried his name again, it felt differently with your newfound relationship.

"Osamu."

"Good, now we can practice those kissing skills." 

You knocked him upside the pole.

"See you at the base, while you're up there plan a date for us tomorrow. We're taking the day off."

You weren't going to make it. You knew that even with Dazai blasting his way through members it was obvious. 

Your focus had been occupied with more than enough between taking fire and bringing swarms over the men. Although you were busy your instinct had you peek at Dazai. You were right, it was a shame that he'd always been your weakness. Two members had eyes on him both taking fire as he returned shots. A third member crept behind him. Without a clear shot you leapt out of cover sure you'd gotten everyone. 

"Osamu! Watch out!" You fired two shots into the members skull and they fell.

Dazai turned toward the sudden disturbance as he hid behind his cover. As he ducked away to reload he'd seen you get shot three times in the chest. To his horror he'd seen his targets change their aim to you. In response to this the bees you deployed were further angered planning new hives in the two remaining. 

Dazai rushed over dropping to your body in a heartbeat. Pulling off his jacket he pressed it onto you to stop the bleeding wound. The fabric didn't help. You were choking. Gargling up words as you bled out. 

"(Y/n)..no hey..look at me, look at me."

You saw the panic in his eyes, but remained calm. Everything was fine, he was safe. 

Blood filled your mouth and pooled out of it as you struggled to speak. You reached for his face cupping the bandages instead of flesh. 

"O...s...a? Os...am....u?" Your body seized still from the pain grabbing a hold of the bandages and pulled. If your heart hadn't been broken already the organ broke at the sight of both his eyes. As you saw yourself dying you watched that light you loved fade alongside you. Tears rushed to your eyes as Dazai turned to a creak at the door. 

A file of members barged in. You could see Dazai scream as he fired at them. Despite how close he was you could no longer hear his screaming nor the ricochet of the guns. 

But you could feel his tears on your body as he fought for you as you quickly drifted to a permanent slumber. 

Soon after Dazai quit the mafia. There was no longer any point to continue protecting you. 

He'd already failed.

Years passed. 

He'd turned 19. 

                Then 20,

                    Then 21,

                         Than 22 without you. 

And every year he found himself feeling eighteen again for four years. Cold and alone missing you. 

Until he found it. The very thing Fyodor had destroyed the world with. 

The Book. 

He shaped and molded worlds for you to live in. Worlds where he could see you happy. A world where he could see you safe. Never again hungry scraping up dirt in the slums. He could never put you through that again. Dazai originally wrote to see you from a distance and then he left. 

The first time he'd done so he came back to this world without you again feeling empty. He picked up a pen again to see you then disappeared. 

But then he bumped into you, his mistake really he shouldn't have gotten too close. Months of seeing you from afar had him craving for more, but touching you gave him butterflies. A sudden thrill he'd missed for years—he caught himself before the rollercoaster of emotions went any further and once again disappeared. 

Now? 

Being away from you for so long made him restless. 

So he created a world where he could fall in love with you all over again. Every world he'd made he'd kept everything that built your personality, especially you're cleverness. The very thing that led you worlds to his, something he hadn't even planned. 

The only two aware of it should still be in that book. 

Akutagawa and Atsushi. 

So how?

"Osamu!" You pulled him worlds away back to his own and he breathed. 

"You have nothing to say? Since you're so quiet I'll say what I've got on my mind bastard." 

You opened your mouth to yell at him, but he'd shut you up with a kiss. 

And he was eighteen with you again. Having his first kiss under a dim flickering streetlight, stealing bread from bakeries, taking out targets, going on dates. He was forever eighteen every time he kissed you. 

But this time was special because he was eighteen and his life finally moved forward. 

Bonus: Kunikida grumbling as he picks up and reorganizes the papers surrounding the two of you. 

Extra bonus: You're absolutely terrified of Atsushi he's literally known in your world for being a murderer?? Since he's a cat and cats are scared of water you throw a lot of water on him the first day, and then adopt him.