#darry curtis has mental health issues

[trekkiehood]

I felt frozen in place. I hadn’t meant it. Not really. I was just angry and when I’m angry I say things sometimes. It’s like the whole world is shaking and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Darry just makes me so… angry. So angry that I don’t even know what words are coming out of my mouth.

--- Pony says something in a moment of anger and immediately regrets it. Darry's response is far from expected.

Authors note: 

This struck me in a vision and I did not intent to write a full one-shot based on it but here we are. (I promise I'm working on the next chapter of Problem Prone.)

I also just need to say, I do not normally write first person. I do not normally LIKE first person. But for some strange reason I could only write this in first person. But the book is also written in Pony's POV so please at least give it a chance lol

It also just jumps right in. No exposition. Very very unlike me. This fic in general is just not my normal style but hey it's Darry angst.

Please enjoy!

TW: Survivors guilt/passive suicidal ideals“

"I wish you had died instead of mom and dad!” As soon as the words left my mouth I knew I didn't mean them.

It wasn't the Soda's quick “Pony-” that surprised me. That was expected. Soda, the mediator who made sure neither of us ever went too far. Well I just did.

It was Darry's “And you think I don't?!”

I stepped back as if I'd been physically hit.

“Darry, I-”

“You think I don't know things would be better? You think I don't wish every single day that it has been me who ran to the store? That it has been me who died? You think I don't know that I will never be enough for you?! That if Dad was here you'd never be worried about money and Ma never would have let you drop out.” He said turning to Soda. The look in Darry's eye was scaring me.

“I didn't mean it.” I said like that would fix. Like it would reverse time and return all the water that had leaked from the cracked dam.

“Yes you did.” His voice was pitched higher than normal and he was talking real fast. He didn’t sound like Darry at all. “You meant it because it's true.”

“Darry,” Soda stepped forward like he was talking to one of the scared colts at the rodeo. “I couldn't take it if you were dead. We need you.”

“Oh come on, Soda. If I had died there would have been a paragraph in the paper about how sad it was, maybe the football team'd have a moment of silence in my honor. Then it'd be done. Things would go back to normal.”

“Don't - you can't talk like that.”

I hated that Soda was the one doing all the talking when I was the one who had started this whole mess. But I couldn’t find the words to say. I felt frozen in place. I hadn’t meant it. Not really. I was just angry and when I’m angry I say things sometimes. It’s like the whole world is shaking and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Darry just makes me so… angry. So angry that I don’t even know what words are coming out of my mouth. Soda’s always telling me that me and Darry are more alike than either of us realize

“You know I’m right. Pony knows it too. Everyone would’ve been better off if it was me instead of them.”

“It ain’t true. Ma and Dad never would have recovered. Never. And neither would we. A couple lines in the newspaper? You really think that’d be all it’d mean to us? To the gang?”

“Soda-” And some of the hysteria was gone. Now he just sounded so… tired. Defeated. The fire of anger was gone now a the air felt cold. Like someone had left the freezer door open for too long and zapped all the heat out.

“And even if it was, it don't change nothin’ now.” Soda didn’t let Darry get any further than his name. His voice was calm, but firm. Like how he sounded when he was trying to pull me out of a nightmare. Maybe they were all in a nightmare now. “ You are the one who is here. And we’re glad you’re here. And we need you to stay, okay? No good would come from you not bein’ here. None. You gotta believe that, okay? You gotta.” It had been a good while since I’d heard Soda so torn up. I thought he might start crying right there in the kitchen.

“Darry,” I finally found my voice. “I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to say that- I was just angry and it slipped out. I don’t mean it, really. I don’t… I don’t wish you were dead. I was just angry is all.” Maybe I was gonna be the one to cry. I didn’t think so though. I was in too much shock. Too cold. Like if I cried my tears would freeze right on my face.

Darry never voiced his self doubts. He was Superman. He could wear the weight of the world on his shoulders and not even begin to crack.

But maybe he did. Maybe at night when he’d ask us to do the dishes and then go to bed early, he did. Maybe when he was alone and no one was around. Because the words he was saying right now didn’t come from nowhere.

Darry looked between us and I saw his jaw tighten, his eyes a little too glassy. If me or Soda cried that wouldn’t be all too unusual. We weren’t no babies but the whole gang knew we had to get our emotions out somehow or we’d blow. But not Darry. I didn’t know what to do if Darry started crying.

It felt like the world was fallin’ in and I had been the one to drag us over one of those fault lines. Like that one in California. The one that was just waiting to bust open and take out half the state. That’s where it felt like we were right now. Standing right on top of it. Waiting for the final earthquake that would crack it open like an egg and swallow us whole.

So I waited. I waited for Darry to do what he always did. To pull us back over the edge to safety. To make sure his little brothers weren’t in any danger of falling.

But he didn’t say anything.

He stared at us for a long moment. Then he slowly shook his head and walked out the door.

Soda and me just stood there. That chill seemed to have gotten colder, freezing our feet to the floor.

I looked at my brother and found that I couldn’t read him. I knew he was upset, that much I was sure of. But aside from that, I was at a loss.

I had to apologize. I had to make him understand that I didn’t mean to get so close to the edge. That I didn’t mean to yell so loud the earth started to shake.

“Soda, I-”

“Don’t.” Soda didn’t get upset at me often. But when he did it meant I usually did something awful. Something almost unforgivable. “Just don’t right now. I can’t-” He finally looked over at me and I was thankful not to see hatred in his eyes. I wasn’t sure exactly what I saw there, but it didn’t make me feel any better. “Stay here.” He ordered, seeming to finally have thawed enough to move. Soda didn’t give me another glance before heading off after Darry.

I wasn’t sure how Soda had managed to escape the ice that held me in place. How he’d managed to break away and go do what needed to be done.

He had meant don’t leave the house, not don’t move from that spot. But it would be pretty hard for me to go anywhere when I was too cold to move.

My whole earth was shaking and I couldn’t tell if it was the house or just me. But I knew that I had started this.

Then the fault line opened, swallowing me whole.

Notes:

Please let me know what you think!

I've found that dark angsty stream of consciousness plots are the ones that I am best at lol.

Also! Please go check out my friend CO_Raindrop and her story "Home Without Leave". It's her first fanfic and I convinced her to actually post it so please give her lots of comments :) (She also beta'd this for me and she's really awesome).

I would appreciate any thoughts that you have <3

Much love and God bless, Jamie

[chained-sweater]

୨୧ dear diary

— a/n : i said i'd post my fics on here. i kept my word.

— characters : darrel "darry" curtis jr., sodapop "soda" curtis, ponyboy "pony" curtis (mentioned), steve randle (mentioned)

— timeline : several years post-canon

— warnings !! : swearing (just one), angst, implied mental health issues, implied suicide

— chapters : 1/1

— words : 655

dear diary?

dear journal?

dear future me?

future me?

yeah, that sounds about right. anyways, i don't know why i'm doing this. i mean, i saw ponyboy doing it himself. he told me that writing in a journal helps keep him organized and composed of his thoughts. or something along the lines of that, i'm not sure.

like i said, i'm not sure what provoked me to do this: write in a journal. i normally don't do this. i usually just bury my feelings deep inside until i can no longer hold them in and explode into a mental breakdown. it's just...i don't know..it's...strange. yeah, strange is the best way to put it.

i know i'm supposed to write for an extended period of time, but my hand is cramping already. having bookkeeping as your second job when you already work in construction takes a toll on you. i suppose i could take a break and finish writing later.

see you, stranger.

— darry?

— past you

* * *

future me,

hey, it's me again, your past self. i know i said i'd write again after a small break, but i completely forgot. two months ago. (oops.) i guess that's what happens when you toss things away carelessly into your jungle of a closet.

but...yeah. i guess i have an excuse though. ponyboy left for college a while ago. i miss him, i think. i don't know. the night before he was supposed to leave, we got into an argument. it was our worst. we were screaming at each other so loud steve could hear us all the way from his house. ponyboy had tossed his luggage into his car and said he never wanted to see me again. sodapop was still crying after he left. ran off to his room. i feel bad. neither of us are entirely over it, but soda's getting better. i'm not. i got nightmares about our argument, ponyboy leaving. it got to the point where, by some miracle, the gang scrounged up enough money to send me to therapy. that's why i couldn't write in this. (well, it was mainly because i was stressed at the time and cared less about finding a stupid journal i wrote in a long time ago.)

ah, i got too carried away there. maybe this is good for me—writing down how i feel and getting my thoughts out. it's working, i guess.

i'll write some more another day. let's hope it's not in another two months.

— past you

* * *

i need to keep this out in my line of sight to keep up with my entries. it's been almost a year since i last wrote in this thing. so much for me promising to not have such huge time gaps here, huh?

god, i don't know where to begin. i got out of therapy a few months ago since i was deemed "cured," but the gang thinks otherwise. they know the night terrors haven't gone away, and they definitely noticed that my depression has gotten worse.

my headache is killing me right now. i'll write later.

* * *

i'm fine.

i'm fine, okay? it's been six months since i last wrote in this thing, and i honestly couldn't care less about trying to find a consistant schedule for my entries. i don't care. why do i even bother in the first place? it's just a hobby i was pressured into doing.

well too bad. i'm not writing in this shit anymore.

* * *

...hey.

i know what you're thinking: 'how long has it been since he's last written here?'

well...it's been...a while.

oh, and before you say anything else, this isn't him. it's his brother, soda. now you're probably wondering why i'm the one writing here...the answer is rather simple.

darry killed himself two years ago. stole one of our dad's guns from the attic and shot himself clean through his skull.

...i'm sorry.

— sodapop curtis

୨୧ the end

[st4rr-girrl]

Struggling in silence

ON HOLD

{Series; prologue}

Ep. 1

Summary; You struggle heavily with mental health, but you don’t want to tell the gang, afraid of judgement. So you fake your happiness so they don’t know. Slowly they start figuring things out.

Warnings; Cussing, self harm, abuse, neglect, suicidal ideation, blood, gore, angst, mental illness, attempted suicide, sexual/nsfw themes, drugs, alcohol, violence.

Now playing; genexix

You’ve known the gang your whole life, since your parents were friends with their parents and you were only 15.

Your life has always been hard; your parents were abusive. Nobody knew though. Not even the gang. You hid all your bruises so well and masked your emotions. Nobody suspected a thing.

Not to mention your un treated mental issues. You knew there was something wrong with you, but you refused to tell anybody. They would just use it against you. Like everyone does.

Back to the abuse; your dad would physically hurt you, along with mentally and verbally abuse you. While your mom ignored you in a whole. She always avoided your pleading eyes for help, and would grimace every-time you got beat.

If she wanted to, she could save me.

You started to think your father forgot about her existence. He would cheat on her every night, and only a knowledged her when they were outside around people they knew. Or in church. How ironic.

You were very close with the gang. They were your true family. Although you held love in your heart for your abusive and neglective parents, you will always love the gang more than you loved your parents.

You were super close to two people in particular; you liked them a little more than a friend should. You didn’t view them as family, though.

Relationships w the gang

Johnny Cade. He had it way rough at home, and you secretly related to him, though you’d never tell him. He’d accidentally slip up and tell Ponyboy, who would tell Darry due to worry about you, then Darry would tell the gang and your life would be over. Nobody knew about your huge crush on Johnny. Though you wanted to tell him how you felt, you knew he didn’t like you back, so you loved him from a distance.

Dallas Winston. He’s also another huge heart throb you have. Nobody knew about that, either. You loved him so much. You him and johnny were so close, and you’d all go crazy if you lost each other. He always protects you, and you keep him out of as much trouble as you can in return.

Darry curtis. He’s like an older-brother figure to you. Well— the whole gang (expect for j and d) are like older brothers to you. He’s a lot more strict than the others, but only because he cares. You get where he’s coming from, but he can be harsh.

Sodapop Curtis. Another big brother. Though he’s goofy, and you feel like you can let loose a little more around him. He doesn’t judge very much. He’s protective of you, because he sees you like a little sister. He’s a little more protective of you, than he is of Ponyboy, because Ponyboy is a little stronger than you. (Mentally and physically)

Ponyboy Curtis. He’s like a younger brother, but you view him like the same age as yourself, and he appreciates that. You understand him more than anyone in the gang, and he always goes to you for support. You’re glad that he can rely on you. He is also another reason why you won’t tell anyone about your troubles. You’ll disappoint everyone that rely on you— including pony. You and him also watch movies together and trade books.

Two-bit matthews. He’s goofy, and jokes around with you a lot. You both push each other around for the fun of it, and he thinks it’s the funniest shit ever. He knows when to be serious with you, like if you get seriously hurt, or something traumatic happens. He checks up on you every once in a while, cause he suspects something is up with you. He always tries his best to make you laugh.

Steve Randle. You and Steve don’t really acknowledge each-other much, but you do converse about cares every once in a while. You both still really care about each other— despite not being as close. He loves you and he’ll protect you no matter what, and vice versa.

That’s what’s important— now let’s get on to the story.

[mrs-johnny-cade]

Can I have a ship? I'm 15, half American half Italian, and 5'4. I have brown eyes and shoulder length hair. I play the ukulele and I love art and creativity in general, but I can be scared to express myself because I'm a hypochondriac. My parents divorced when I was young and my brother was in and out of the hospital bc of his mental health for awhile so important issues matter to me, and I'll always stand up for what I think's right even if it means breaking a few rules. Thanks so much xxooxx

I ship you with Darry. 3am ukulele jam sessions. He pretends to hate it cause he has work in a few hours but he secretly loves it. You probably find really cool was to refurnish a bunch of stuff around the Curtis household. The gang would absolutely love all of it. Two-bit getting you to draw pictures for his little sister all the time. Pony gets you to help him with art projects for school. Darry appreciates that you're always concerned about him and his brothers. He'll lecture Steve on how it's not polite to make fun of people, then he lectures you about not hitting Steve.