#darnedchild rambles

[darnedchild]

When you finally get a chance to binge watch three seasons of Bridgerton and your spouse pops in with his laptop to hang out with you for a bit and then five episodes in you realize he's not even trying to pretend he's playing WoW anymore and is fully invested in whether or not Daphne and Simon are able to get their heads out of their asses.

Then he spends the next day discussing whether or not season two Anthony had learned anything from how poorly he'd handled his relationship with Sierra in season one. (No. No he did not.)

And then, after you've finished watching everything, he gives you an in-depth analysis of why season three is the best one (totally agree), asks what you know about what happens to the characters in the books, and you both try to guess what characters will be featured in season four.

And also you both yell "tushy" every time you see someone's naked butt. Because you are both hella immature.

[darnedchild]

When my mom was a teenager, she went camping with her family.  She used to put empty pop cans in her very long hair to curl it.  I’m sure you can guess what happened one night while she was sleeping on the ground.  She made some new furry friends.

Ooooh how about some cursed raccoon facts?

raccoons are curious and extremely tactile animals so if you go camping in the US and forget to zip your tent flap, you make wake up suddenly in the middle of the night to find tiny hands running sensually though your hair.

[simplyshelbs16xoxo]

I'm no good at fan art, creating gifsets or graphics for Benedict's birthday, so I'll do what I can do best, and write about him.

There is a certain  je ne sais quoi about him that has always drawn me toward him. I can never pinpoint to just one quality or physical attribute. It’s everything. Benedict, to me, is not just a typical celebrity crush, but a real role model. Through the beauty of his heart, he re-defined what a man should be, or rather brought back timeless values/morals to a modern world. He’s kind, down-to-earth, and one of the most giving people I wish I had the pleasure of meeting. I find myself wishing I could give more to the charities he supports.

You know how we have comfort foods or even books/fanfics that make us feel the warm fuzzies inside? Benedict is like a comfort for me, whether I’m watching interviews, skits, and letters live on youtube, or watching shows and movies he stars in. For example, Doctor Strange is the first Marvel movie that’s ever become a comfort film for me. Considering most of my comfort films consist of rom-coms and Tim Burton films, that’s quite an accomplishment. 

As for physical attributes, his ever-changing, oceanic eyes are the prettiest damn eyes I’ve ever seen aside from Elizabeth Taylor’s purplish eyes. I love his smile and his laugh; it always brings me joy. His voice also brings me comfort, and I often find myself listening to audiobooks he’s narrated although I never listen to audiobooks. I only listen to his. A couple nights ago, I fell asleep listening to My Dear Bessie (thanks, @darnedchild), not out of boredom, mind you, but from feeling comfort envelop me.

I wish the happiest of birthdays to him. I hope he gets to spend the entire day with his beautiful, loving family. I am so happy he found the love of his life, and that he has the big family he’s always wanted.

Anyways, this probably seems like the ramblings of a crazed fangirl, and maybe that’s all this will ever be viewed as, but I know in my heart that it’s so much more than that. I could never describe in perfect detail how much Benedict means to me, though I’m sure it says enough that I’d probably be a sobbing mess if I ever did get to meet such an amazing person. In short, I’m in love with him, but not romantically. It’s in a way I can’t describe, really. Maybe it’s because we both have old souls, and I tend to be drawn to people whose souls speak to mine.

[darnedchild]

Had a panic attack so bad my husband came home from work to hold me while my therapist got on a zoom call to calm me down and do breathing exercises and hold ice cubes AND as a special treat I got to have an ativan and a nap.

Yay. Fun times. Fun times.

[darnedchild]

I was taught to treat the 'and' as a decimal, just like @theleftpill. I also still write checks to pay my bills, I wonder if that has any influence over the matter?

Question for the floor

I was just reminded of a childhood memory – one of my teachers from when I was in 1st or 2nd grade told me that it’s not proper to say, for example, 112 as “one hundred and twelve,” that we’re supposed to say “one hundred twelve.”

Their argument was that saying 112 as “one hundred and twelve” makes it sound like two separate numbers – 100 and 12.

Leaving out the “and” when you’re saying a three digit number sounds unnatural to me, even now. I mean, in almost every context, people can figure out you’re saying one number instead of two, right?

What does everyone else think?

[darnedchild]

I was reminding my husband that we need to find a place to live, move, and get an address established before school starts in August because I am NOT sending our son to the middle schools he's currently zoned for.

And my son's answer?

"You could homeschool me."

"Sweetie, I love you so much, please don't take this the wrong way; but I would rather stab myself in the ear with a fork, repeatedly, than homeschool again. I still have nightmares from the two years during COVID."

"I had fun then!"

"I ... did not."

[darnedchild]

Has anyone else ever seen a series called "Blackpool" with David Tennant?

[darnedchild]

It's Halloween. Also known as the night my husband has to break out my anxiety meds just so I can hand out candy while he's out with the Demon Spawn without having a panic attack and curling up in my closet with sensory overload.

I love the IDEA of Halloween and costumes and candy and scary movies. But I dread the interacting with people and loud noises and talking and eye contact making part. But someone has to do it while my husband is supervising the Demon Spawn, and that someone is, apparently, me.

[darnedchild]

I'm going to write too much so I apologize in advance. I do a few things when I want to add smut to a fic - I start by deciding how explicit I want to get, that makes a huge difference in the words I use to convey the same ideas. Do I want soft and romantic and sort of vague details, or do I want to earn that E rating by using more erotic language and extremely descriptive details. Then I write down a rough choreography of the important moments I want to touch on (a kiss, pausing to meet each other's gaze, specific phrases I want to work in, specific postions I want to use, etc). Once I know the big things I need for my scene, I can go back and add the filler bits to get me from one to the next. Sometimes I go back and add to or tweak a scene several times. One super important step I do is to read through each movement and picture it in my head (where are the hands, is it possible to hold that position as described, if he's touching her in those two spots how is he above her without squashing her, can the human body really bend that way). If you can't imagine being able to do it yourself, the chances are that your characters can't either. I try to be realistic with recovery times and how long someone can last before cramping or getting chafed, but that sort of thing can be a mood breaker and your character may not have those limitations. Remember, you don't have to detail every movement or thrust; feelings and emotions can be very erotic without a single naughty word or squishy sound.

I can’t write smut.

But I really want to. Like, there’s a scene in my head asking to be written but the words end up feeling awkward. How do other writers do it? How much porn do I need to watch so I can make a decent smut fic? I just want some sherlolly smutfest of my own, why is it so hard?

[darnedchild]

I got a chance to watch all ninety (NINETY) episodes of Forbidden Desires Alpha's Love from that Sh*rtTV app and it was as tropetastically cheesy as I hoped it would be and so bad I loved it. Also, the episodes are only a minute, minute and a half long. Also also, before anyone asks, I did not pay the $50 to the app to be able to watch the all the episodes - there are people on the clock app out there doing the lord's work.

(I mentioned the ads I wanted to write fic for yesterday, and it's for this, don't judge me.)

Two things I learned from it:

I still have a thing for cute gingers. Bless you Eric Stoltz and Alicia Witt.

2. You know how sometimes people take a book or ship or whatever and write their favs into classic, sometimes silly, trope situations? Hello, they were roommates with only one bed.

You know, fanfic.

I really have the urge to do the opposite with this thing.

I mean, keep all the tropes (so many, so very very many - He is her college professor and new stepbrother AND also the Alpha werewolf of a local pack. AND her mother drugs her and tries to sell her off for a night to some rando - which I don't consider a spoiler because it's the first scene in the first episode so they start out strong. AND AND evil mean girls, UST, towels that "oops" accidentally fall down, attempted murders, surprise pregnancy, fake dating, hiding relationships but not very well, witches, mating bonds, heat, evil werewolves, rich dudes, gold diggers, "surprise" betrayal... ALL the tropes) but maybe write it like an author who wasn't on crack?

I would pay at least $6.99 to read this story if it was a book, but my exhaustive three minutes of internet searching seems to indicate that it is not base on a pre-existing story.

So now I want to write one.

I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO DO THAT.

But I kinda want to.

[darnedchild]

Husband "snuck up" behind my unobservant ass to tell me something, and I ended up clutching my chest like an 80 year old Victorian widow and yelling, "God damn it! I am a delicate fucking snowflake with a heart condition, stop scaring me!"

[darnedchild]

I haven't been able to watch Bridgerton yet because barely five minutes into episode 1 season 1 there is sex against a tree and naked butt, which is absolutely fine and also an interesting way to introduce a character; but also a lot of smexy moaning, and I am hard of hearing, and I have an 11 year old in the house who likes to play on his switch in the spare room next to mine. Do you see where this is going?

No Bridgerton for me until after the Demon Spawn's bedtime, and Captain and I have been watching horror movies at that point (date night serial killers and zombies for the win).

So I decided to read the Polin book in preparation for watching season three and... IMO, it's meh.

Maybe if it had a similar plot to the TV show I would be more into it? I love what I know of the show storyline! And the book is not that. I don't remember much about book five when I read it years ago; but I'm pretty sure I didn't dislike it.

Anywho, I'm only 2/3rds of the way through the book so maybe it will get better?

Are the rest of the books worth the read? Or should I stick to Polin fanfic and trying to watch the series?

[darnedchild]

Captain and I parent differently.

For some reason, my husband was trying to explain the proper way to throw a punch to the 10-year-old.

Captain - "Don't tuck your thumb into your fist. That's a great way to break it. Even better, just don't get into a position where you need to punch someone."

Me - "He's totally right. You're small and slow; if you get into a fist fight, you're gonna get your butt handed to you. What you need to do is find a bat or a chair or something with mass that you can lift and just swing it as hard as you can at their head."

Captain - "Wait. No."

Me - "Maybe you'll get lucky and stun them long enough to run. If not, remember to scratch the face or any skin you can reach. Get that DNA under your nails. Scar them up really good so the police can find them easier."

Captain - "I meant don't get into a fight in the first place."

Me - "Or that works too. I guess. But if you have to... go for the eyes."

Captain - "Okay, time to change the subject."

[darnedchild]

Went to Disney World. I'm not saying I spent large chunks of the day stalking Kylo Ren, to the point that my son asked if we really needed to walk past Kylo's shuttle AGAIN ... But I'm not saying I didn't. (Spoiler, I totally did.)

[darnedchild]

Went to Disney World. I'm not saying I spent large chunks of the day stalking Kylo Ren, to the point that my son asked if we really needed to walk past Kylo's shuttle AGAIN ... But I'm not saying I didn't. (Spoiler, I totally did.)