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atopearth · 4 years ago

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Xenogears Part 1 - Fei’s Experiences & New Meetings

The classic 90s anime style is really beautiful! I wonder what happened though, something contaminated a ship and it caused all the controls to go out of control, forcing the captain to self destruct it since it even killed all the evacuees?😣 And then some lady rose from the wreckage? It's kinda crazy how the Kislev Empire and Aveh country could fight for so long that they don't even know what the initial reason for war was anymore. So, Gears are the gigantic humanoid robots that both countries excavated from ruins and used their newly developed technology "Ethos" to repair and use these ancient Gears that are really useful for war since it reduces the need for man to man combat. Hmm so our MC Fei has lost his memories and had been taken to Lahan by a black hooded guy... I thought Dan was being crazy to suggest that Fei take his sister Alice away from Timothy (since they're getting married tomorrow) but it seems like there's more merit to it than I thought... Since even Alice thinks that if only Fei was born in this village and that if they had met earlier, then maybe things will be different... I wonder if Timothy knows, he seems like a nice guy too... Omggg, I feel so bad for taking the bird egg lmao, especially since the bird pecks you to give it back... And now Yui is cooking it!! Ahh, I feel bad loll.

Well, I expected Timothy to die but I didn't think that Alice, the chief and many other people ended up dying because the Gear Fei knew how to use went out of control... That's pretty saddening. To be fair, it wasn't exactly his fault since Lahan was getting attacked by Gears, but I guess if he listened to Citan and didn't fight, everyone would have been able to evacuate properly.. you can't blame Dan for hating him. I think his confrontation with Elly was pretty telling though, shows how much he's given up on life after losing everyone and having others hate him... Okay, the jumps/platforming in this game kills me, I'm so bad at it that I want to quit lmao. Anyway, Fei's outburst on Elly trying to blame the Gears for the destruction of the village was saddening to watch, like it was obviously their fault but it was also his, but he couldn't accept that it was he who killed everyone important to him. It was pretty heartbreaking. It was obvious that Elly was a part of the Gears who ended up emergency landing at Lahan and caused this all to happen, but it seems like the words she shouted at Fei were also directed at herself. She seems to have been unable to accept that she needs to take responsibility over other people's deaths in her past too? Well, all we know now is that somehow Fei knew her name before she even said it, so they must know each other in the back of their minds, especially since Fei knows how to pilot a Gear, but Citan is also important in this since he seems to know what or who Fei is to an extent? I guess Fei's fate is doomed to be surrounded by the Gears no matter what, since he had to use it again to save Elly. It was pretty saddening that Fei told Citan to shoot him if he were to go out of control again though. Citan was really perceptive to realise who Elly was, and it was kind of him to tell her to go back before she gets into trouble and causes pain to Fei. It was nice of Elly to want to apologise to Fei after realising how terrible she was for trying to shift the blame to Fei when she was the one who caused the tragedy. I didn't really realise what was the difference between surface dwellers etc, but I guess people like Elly are rulers of people like Timothy and them?

It honestly took Fei a while to realise that leaving Weltall (the Gear) around would endanger Lahan since both Kislev and Aveh obviously want it lol. But it's nice that Citan finally explained to him properly that they need to fix it and move it away as far as they can to protect the rest of the people. Took a while for Aveh to get them, but I wonder why Grahf wants Fei to "awaken"? Obviously no one cares about razing Lahan, so doing it to awaken Fei was no problem for them, but why do they have to go through this trouble? Lol at Bart the pirate guy, so rash and silly. Getting stuck underground due to quicksand does not sound fun... But to think that Citan knows the guy on the pirate ship, and his name is Hyuga? Hmm. Ohh so the thing Grahf said about killing God wasn't too insane, since apparently humans and god got along in Paradise until humans ate the forbidden fruit for knowledge and got kicked out, so then humans went to get revenge and somehow made god injured enough to go into sleep? But right before god went to sleep, god made right hearted humans and that's their ancestors... Hmm, so then Grahf is from the humans before? If Balthazar called Weltall a slayer of god, maybe it's one of the Gears back then?

Ohh, so Bart is really some form of royalty! It's a good idea for him to try and create a new power aside from Aveh and Kislev to make things more balanced, since right now, all they continue to do is try to one up each other until the other can't anymore. But it seems that Aveh's Prime Minister Shakhan has captured Bart's cousin because she has half of the puzzle to some sort of treasure? Lmao at the cups floating instead of being picked up by the pixel characters hahahaha. Also, it's nice to know why they're pirates, since it's true that considering their manpower, money etc, they would never be able to excavate ruins at the same rate as the other countries, so they've gotta steal it instead. Surprisingly, Bart was much more mature than I thought. His exchange with Fei after Fei got mad and ran off was really...understandable. I think I really liked the part where Fei said that Bart likes to fight, but Bart says that no one really likes to fight, it's because they all have reasons to fight that makes them have no choice but to fight. I also agree with Bart that the best way to "help" the children from Lahan now is to end this war. I like this part though, Fei may seem annoying but he's just really lost and confused right now, so it's nice to see everyone try not to force him but tell him their perspective. I'm amazed at how proactive Citan is and how responsible he is though. I'm glad he's got his own Gear now! So Shakhan killed Bart's father right before Kislev and Aveh could come to some sort of a truce? That's terrible... Glad to know that Margie/Marguerite seems to be doing well though. Kinda crazy to go into a random house and there's a guy saying he wants miners without families so that if they die, he doesn't need to pay compensation to them...like, wow. Omgg at the thieving kids though! We have to give them 1000G right now to get stuff later on😭 I'm so poor after getting ripped off at the restaurant and the inn, sighh. I thought the inn was 40G for the whole party but it was per person!! Insane!! And then the food!! The food was 300G! Even more expensive than the stay at the inn!! Sigh. This place is so cool though! I can run around with a balloon and a kid laughs at Fei for having a balloon even though he's an adult lmao. Also, loll if you drink the alcohol from a shop, the screen goes wonky because Fei is a bit tipsy or drunk hahaha.

The moment I heard about a tournament, I knew Fei would have to enter. It's funny though that guards would slack off from their post and watch the tournament, so that's the best opportunity to get Bart to go through the sewers and save Margie. Dragon slaying slacker or beloved slacker sounds like a great anonymous name to use in the tournament though hahahah. I'm shocked that Dan is in the tournament, like wow, he's beating adults?! Dang. Anyway, it was pretty depressing to see him bash up Fei for revenge but still not being able to satisfy his hatred, it's understandable though... I wonder who that Mysterious guy was, but honestly, whether it be Ramsus or this guy, they all seem to know Fei. Ramsus was an okay boss though, combos are pretty cool now that I know how to use them lol, never realised you could save your AP by not using it all up when you attack. I didn't think Elly was here though, it was nice of her to save Fei and them, but it was also kind of Fei to tell her to escape with them. As expected though, she's definitely got her own reasons for staying, and it would probably be really bad if she deserted Gebler. I think it was really nice to see that Margie is really faithful to Bart and wants to help him as much as she can, but she feels bad that instead of helping him out, she seems to cause trouble for him instead, which is saddening... But, I think her being safe is a form of support for Bart so I hope she stays safe... I have to admit though, that Chu-Chu stuffed doll she took with her actually being alive and in love with Fei was so random lmaoo, now Fei has a weird fan?

Sending Margie back to Nisan was more emotional than I thought. It was nice to see the variety of reactions towards it, such as the Sisters being so happy to welcome her back, whilst other townspeople are having an important meeting to talk about what they should do if Shakhan were to retaliate etc because Bart kinda "stole" her back. I think the symbolism of the one winged angels in the cathedral was pretty cool, the whole idea of God being able to create perfect beings but choosing not to so that humans would rely on each other was kinda nice; just like how these angels need the other's wing in order to fly. Oh wow, the portrait of Mother Sophia really does look like Elly... I wonder if Citan saying the brush technique of the painting being similar to Fei's means that he painted it or something... It makes me wonder if Elly and Fei are modified humans or something so their life spans are long🤣 Sophia is the founding mother of Nisan huh? 500 years ago...hmm, I wonder if it's related to the legend of the "old humans" and the "new humans". Maybe the "old humans" created by the God back then are people like Fei who don't grow old or die or something haha.

Ohh, both Citan and Sigurd are actually from Solaris (where Gebler is from) and they call foreigners "Lambs", people who are used as slave labour, and they left because they disliked Solaris' doings... Hmm, I wonder if that means the Emperor that Citan thought about in his memories or something is the Solaris Emperor, and he's actually a spy from there coming here to find a way for them to invade or something. That would be pretty crazy, especially since he made a family (Yui and Midori) here... Oh okay, I'm glad they're expanding on what exactly the Solaris Empire is because I've been a bit confused. I never thought that the capital of Solaris was actually in the skies above though!! No wonder why they look down on "surface dwellers", it's like as if they're their own gods since they're in command of distortion fields called "Gates" that allow only them to tread through to the capital. Ohh, Sigurd is actually a "lamb" and was used as a test subject and then escaped by airship (so I guess you can leave and go to Solaris by airship huh?), wheras Citan was actually born in Solaris! Whaaat! Pure Solarians are rare, so they just steal surface dwellers to like have children?! Crazy, absolutely crazy. I didn't think the place Ramsus and Elly came from would be too crazy compared to Aveh and Shakhan but omg, I think they're more insane now lol. I'm not sure what or how bad Ramsus is exactly, but if Citan and Sigurd both revered his ideals and followed him willingly because of his dreams and visions to change the system in Solaris and kinda make test subjects and lower citizens like them have more equal standing and opportunities, I wonder if he lied or did he kinda like brainwash them and take advantage of them due to their weaknesses? Hmm, so the higher up Sigurd and Citan went, they found out that Solaris uses people as human guinea pigs to test out drugs that change people's personalities and make them more aggressive and draw out their latent abilities, which I assume would be beneficial for war? I wonder if that means that the reason why Elly couldn't leave with Fei and them is because she's been affected by drugs like "Drive" and the other variations, and she might die or have withdrawal symptoms that she can't control if she were to leave? I see, so Citan realised that Ramsus was the same as all the others, instead of prioritising rank, he just prioritised skill, in the end, his methods and everything didn't hope to change people's lives for the better, he just put in his own way of ranking them instead.

Hmm, with Gebler on Shakhan's side, it will definitely be troublesome trying to get Fatima Castle/Royal Capital Bledavik back considering the difference in their forces. Ohh, that's a good idea! To use the Kislev Gears they have to lure the smaller Western Guards to think that Kislev is invading! Interesting to know that Vanderkaum was demoted and will be easy to deal with because he's a simple guy and doesn't know how to deal with Gears LOL. Anyway, executing the plan tomorrow is so quick!! It's kinda interesting that Fei will be leading some Gears to cause a diversion with the main unit at the Kislev border so that it'll be easier for the others to infiltrate the capital. Aww it's so cute how Sister Agnes talked about how Margie should prepare herself to be the future queen alongside Bart. Honestly, I think the connection between Bart and Margie is undeniably deep and loving, so I'm all for it! On the other hand, it was nice to see Bart being doubtful whether he's really suitable to be king, since it's normal to think like that, but it was really sweet to see that Sigurd's desire to come home was what gave him motivation to save himself from his kidnapping + brainwashing in Solaris, so it should be natural for Bart to want to go home to his kingdom too.

Miang and Ramsus are a thing?! Anyway, she seems dodgy...I thought she was going to be an unimportant character, but it seems that she actually has her own objectives. Omggg those rocks with the running jumps, so frustrating!! Lol, I wanted to throw my controller loll. Anyway, I feel bad for Elly... She was forced into using 'Drive' to protect her team, but it changes her personality drastically, and it makes her unable to control herself... I'm glad Fei helped her come to her senses but I worry for her since she doesn't feel like she has anywhere to go aside from staying in Solaris, even though they just really want to use her as a weapon due to her potential. Loll at Maison coming to the rescue for Bart using his crab looking robot that can fly, but then the motor died or something so they had to jump away lol. Miang seems much more vicious than she looked in the beginning though, she literally called Shakhan a puppet and said she didn't care who was the puppet as long as they were obedient to Gebler. It's really saddening how wrong everything went though... What was that OP gear that Ramsus wanted to destroy? And did it really kill everyone on the Yggdrasil..? Maison and Sigurd are such good people though... It's kind of nice that Ramsus actually treats Sigurd as an old friend that he trusted back in Solaris, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. I feel so sad though, not only did the guys on Yggdrasil sacrifice themselves to protect Bart, but even Maitreya and them who went with Fei on the mission sacrificed themselves for Fei. Why are they so kind and faithful?

Anyway, I'm quite enjoying Xenogears, I think the journey and adventure is actually really fun, but also very emotional. Right now, Elly and Fei's interactions are probably my favourite because of how similar they are to each other, yet they make the other realise things about themselves that they could not find within them. They bounce off each other nicely to show their feelings, their guilt and their sadness really well. I also really love how active and strong Bart is. Initially, I thought he was rash, but really, he's actually quite level minded, and very kind. You can see it in how much the others respect him and believe in him. Citan is still more of a mystery for now, but he is a helpful guide for everyone. But yeah, I love the variety of everything, whether it be the tournament, playing mini games etc. The only thing I hate is all the platforming lolll. Battle system isn't the most interesting either, but I'm just kinda here for the story anyway so it's all good for now lol. (edit: I’ve taken a break from playing Xenogears for a while because it’s so clunky and tedious but I’ll see when I go back to it haha XD)

#xenogears

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21yroldmeesh · 7 years ago

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back again 7/20/17

iit’s been a year since i have written in this blog and dang it’s kind of heartbreaking to read the “ty” post. i mean ima just be open cause i’m sure as hell people don’t even know about this blog anymore L O L i have 0 followers L O L

things on the agenda: dan, guy who drove me to va, my first and last hookup

me and dan actually broke up over a month ago (6/16/17... i have a particular thing for dates) and it’s been a weird experience. i literally thought we were going to get married. you can talk to someone for 5 yrs almost everyday and it only takes a day to become strangers. actually you can get close to a stranger. we’re worse than strangers. with us, it’s best to spend some time apart because if we start talking, we don’t even know what we want from each other. like, we actually have such good chemistry but too much has happened too much pain too many lies. it’s one big clusterfuck. i don’t normally curse but i’m going to curse a lot in this post future michelle. i was willing to live in the boring ass town of ann arbor, michigan and i would have been perfectly happy for simply just being with you and being loved by you. i had so much love for you. your fungus feet, your crackly white tongue, you never brush your teeth, everything weird dumb annoying about you just stopped being that and it was “normal” anyways,

i decided to write again because for the past week, my mind has been all over the place and i think my friends are getting annoyed of hearing me out so here i am.

that night, i tried convincing him that id be able to forget about all that he has done. i was crying. i thought it was so fucking unfair man. whenever he lied to me and i’d try to break up with him, he always held on to me and i am a push over... i gave in every time. that day, we fought and yes, i said let’s break up but i told him i didn’t mean it. and then he just brought up how even though i didn’t mean it, everything i said was right and that we arent good for each other. he kept saying this was for us. we didn’t make each other happy. bull shit. i made u so happy. u were only “not happy” when i wanted u to be mature. i mean this is a memory i want to erase from my head so im not going to go into it. but i just felt so hopeless like you just tied up my arms and i couldnt do anything. i asked you to let me hold on to you ONE time because i let you do that with me. and you just wouldn’t budge. do u know how that made me feel? i felt like everything was my fault. if i didnt bring up anything, we would have still been together. we were doing amazing. you opened up to me for the first time literally the day before we broke up and damn everything just happened so fast. you made me feel like i was the type of person who didn’t let myself be happy.

well, the first night i was completely miserable and suicidal. i don’t even know how i survived but i did. for the first two weeks i cried my damn heart out. i let myself feel pain. i didn’t touch alcohol at all until i knew i was ready to not emotional vomit while drunk. i went in my car, blasted music as loud as i can, sobbed for thirty minutes until i was exhausted and came back home. once you hit rock bottom, you got to come up right? i couldnt be alone. i was always with friends. what the fuck was the MCAT right (ugh) i did this multiple times and i think by the third week, i was feeling pretty good and realized you and i weren’t good for each other. actually, correction, we weren’t good for each other because you weren’t willing to be. i guess i just wasn’t worth it to you anymore. well, correction, i didn’t give necessarily my all either. breakups are never on one person. you just lied to me way too much and i just couldn’t trust you 100%. i said i forgave u but i never really did, did i ? what is relationship without trust. it’s surprising how we even lasted this long. well, its because of our chemistry. whyd you have to go fuck it up dan. you and i had such a good connection LOL maybe u can have that connection with others but im just picky af LOL

actually, i haven’t thought about you dan for a very long time. i sound pretty hung up on you still up there but i’m not. something just happened recently which i will go into later

but actually i have not thought about you at all. its funny because ive been telling haram “who the fuck is daniel am i rite” hahaha its been fine for me. ill be sad but now i can be alone and just deal with it. im doing really well. when i was dating you, for some crazy reason, i thought i couldn’t be without you. why the hell did i think that? like i went through my darkest times without you and survived every single bit of it. why did i ever think i ever NEEDED u in my life? i havent felt depressed since we broke up. isn’t that the craziest? i never have suicidal urges like i did while dating you. im never sad for too long. im just doing me. being with friends. being with awesome people. meeting new people. and yeah i miss you, but damn i think the emotional roller coaster and the clusterfuck of lies (like you telling susan in MAY THAT U LOVE HER?!!?!?!) just made me like dumb and made me believe i just couldn’t let u go. love is insane. and i am insane. michelle in love. there is no logic in it whatsoever. i’m just the type of person to just give it all she got u know? fucking cheat on me, i’ll be here. fucking take my money, i’ll be here. i think id peace the fuck out for animal abuse doe. but anything else is pretty much game.

but yeah i am no longer that person. i am so special and cool to deal with that LOL im actually not a bad catch. i realized i am going to run far far away from someone who lies to me. it’s just not worth it. i love you. i loved you but damn i just kind of miss u as a best friend. nothing romantic anymore. i just miss talking to u and talking shit with u but you can beg for me back, and it is a huge no from me. also i really respect u stepping up with coco while im not in ann arbor. ur just a bad boyfriend. i always knew that tho and i still went in for it. none of that anymore LOL fck that for real. like i wanna be friends with u just so we can hang out. im not the same person anymore LOL and i just think we would really get along now LOL

when u said you couldn’t give me a ride i was upset but not really? i just understood. it wouldn’t have been good for us and last week, i don’t think i was ready to be in a car ride with u for that long even when i thought i was. looking back, i think it would have set me back a lot. thanks for making the best decision for us. you were always able to do that, i cant hahaha

but yeah anyways, this guy who i talked to for three days kind of offered to give me a ride. correction, we talked for two and then like he just decided to do that for me. very impulsive but i mean i get it, so am i

as we were talking, i realized we were way too similar to even have any romantic attraction. like, i know he did because i think he saw that as a good thing. but everyone else and me later on, realized, similarity for michelle kim is not the best. she needs excitement, passion, and just someone different for her fire. we were similar so we could have been good friends but i think i realized we couldn’t be more than that when he just started coming off too strong. idk, five days in of talking, he was just telling me don’t fool around with other guys and just like telling me to enjoy my single time while i can and it was very overwhelming. not to mention he dated a girl who actually became pretty closely to me recently and i actually really dig her so that was just a final like nope cause it wasnt worth it at that point.

so i get to ny and im having all these realizations about the guy who drove me to va while im out with my friends. as im getting all these “boyfriendy” texts im like nope nope nope nd telling my friends i think i have 0 feelings for this guy now.

next thing you know, my first and last hookup walks over to my friend asks her to smoke and he tells her he thinks im cute. i mean i didnt even know until like round 3 or even until he told me the next day. but yeah we just made quick eye contact and that was it. he joins us for round 2 and dang he is hot as fuck LOOL ok well maybe its cause i literally haven’t seen a guy that hot in a while. L O L like i always liked skinny tall guys. but he was like tall and fit?? like wtf?? LOL it just took me off guard and he was showing interest and i was just suuuuuupppppper drunk so we just went home to my airbnb. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I MADE OUT it was so crazy. like i dont think he believes me because he knew i wasnt a virgin but then i told him i never made out before so he was like so confused but didnt ask me questions cause i guess he just thought i was lying?? idk man. but ya we didn’t do anything except make out and when it got hot and heavy i was just like yo u want pjs and then told him lets just go to bed

l o l

and hes like a super big gentleman

he kind of didnt want to leave cause hed say stuff like ill leave when u go out. ill leave when u tell me to leave and i was like “ok u should leave now” and idk how but he just kind of stayed

and then he ordered food and idk we talked about his mom and my mom and we played this dumbass creepy game that we literally made up called black mirror black mirror idk man it was super fun and he even pretended like gdragon, hes a complete clown and i love clowns LOL but yeah he left and i went with my day, saw jane and joohee, came home and he texts me. hes like aksing to hang out and im like yeah if we dont get white girl wasted.

we meet at one of my fave places beauty and essex. it was awk at first because i did not expect it to be like a bar bar since i came during dinner time last time. but we ended up having a lot of fun and it was good. we tried going to fat buddha but line was too long and one thing led to another, he came over my house and we just kind of made out and i d k what happened but i was suppppppppppper drunk LOL like more drunk than last night that i was dropping my phone in the uber and i was a mess but we ended up having “sex” it was just super fast and weird man. he just felt so diff from dan so i felt really out of it but the other guy finished and i think alc was also hindering his performance and it was just a clusterfuck. we just ended up going to bed. next morning, i know he got into super big trouble with his mom and i felt really bad about that. and then he left. i went to va. he texted me saying have a safe trip and that it was a super fun weekend and yeah that was that.

im starting to realize i fucking like this guy LOL i mean i prob dont but i thought and think i do u know. im just not the type to do this and i feel like he got the worst image of me LOOL yeah my friends were like michelle ur not the type of person to just have one night stands cause one ima fall in love with them and two ur just not the type

idk i just lost myself from being in nyc

nyc is like the root of all probs

love that place but still crazy

and ya i think hes kind of cute but i also know hes not really down since im in mich and all so ya ohwellz we’re only 21

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