#damn moonshadow elf culture forcing her to think emotion = weakness = vulnerability = BAD

[serabellyms]

It took every ounce of her willpower not to give in to the reflex that crossed her mind: to pull away, to yank her arm out of his grasp, to ensure that hard, outer shell of hers remained intact. Anyone else, she would have done exactly that; Callum remained the only exception, even if every fiber of her being was screaming at her to hide. Despite that, her posture became stiff, almost frozen, like she didn't know what to do other than seize up or run away. She only became stiffer as he pulled down her hood, but she couldn't even look at him; she couldn't let him see her guilt.

A part of her knew she was falling back into old habits... but that first meeting between them after she'd got back had only kickstarted them back into gear. Even now, she was warring with herself; instinct told her she could be out the window or out the door faster than he could react, and the adrenaline, the panic, the fear of being vulnerable was distressing enough for her. Don't cry, she coached herself. You've no reason to cry about this.

"....I can't," she admitted softly, gently tugging her arm out of his grasp. Maybe she wasn't going to run, but she couldn't talk if she felt like it wasn't on her terms. Her other hand reached across her torso, grasping at the spot where he'd grabbed her, like it was creating a wall where she'd feel safe. "Because--it wouldn't be fair to you." She didn't know how to say exactly what she meant by that, staring at the floor as she searched for the right words. Her grip on her own arm tightened, just enough to conceal the shakiness rising from that vulnerability.

With a deep breath, she continued. "Wha' I mean is... it--it wouldn't be fair that my--mess, my problems, forced you into talkin' about... everythin' before you're ready to. You don't deserve to be forced, and I haven't earned the right to talk about that before you're ready. Because... if I do that, it's just going to soun' like an excuse. And I don't deserve to make excuses for what I did." Sure, like anyone else, she deserved support dealing with her problems--but not from him. Not when those problems were the reason he'd been hurt in the first place.

"I hurt you. An' you have every right to be mad and upset abou' it, Callum. I know that. So... I haven' earned the right to talk about my problems until you've had a chance to talk about... yours."

Callum watches her and there's a tiny and soft annoyed sigh. He thought they were getting passed this. That things would be okay, but they're not. She's still avoiding him as if he's the plague. Granted he hasn't been the best at communicating lately either. But Callum is trying now. After what they went through these last few days, they owe each other that.

"We have kitchen staff here for a reason." Callum grabs her arm, not letting her go so easily. He has to pull down the hood to get a good look at her. Yeah, yeah, he knows that's a little rude. But what other choice did he have? He wasn't given many options when her first instinct is to always run off.

"Now talk to me, what is going on, Rayla? We can't keep avoiding each other forever. That's not fair." His voice betrays him with a crack. He misses her dearly. Each time she ran off, it felt like another sting of abandonment and rejection.

Which is stupid! He shouldn't feel this way, but he does. There's no helping it.

"Please? I don't want keep missing you this much when you're actually back." He adds in a hushed whisper.