#damn beano...knew...

[naomimonalpha]

Damn it I knew I was being punished but I didn't know why. I forgot to give tribute to the Divine Beano before I got a pink jellybean tattooed on my leg and that's why I had some kinda reaction to the ink!

Forgive me Beano!! I prostrate myself before you and accept my penance! I shalt not have held any bean above you!

I present to you

The Divine Beano

(Edit: haha oops changed up the bg)

[zimaprime]

no talk me im 😭

[bitsby]

RvB Walgreens AU

Yes, I’m back with another one of these abominations, starring our favorite red team leader. AO3 link is here.

Sarge finds love at the local Walgreens.

Part 1

Sarge and Tucker pull into a parking spot at the local Walgreens.

Tucker works the occasional weekend for a program assisting elderly folks who don't have access to a car for one reason or another. Unfortunately, his schedule coincidentally keeps lining him up to drive around the same crazy veteran, even though he tried to change up his times to avoid getting the old geezer again and again.

Tucker walks around to open the passenger door, then places his hand on Sarge's arm to help him out of the car.

"Just 'cause they won't let me drive don't mean I can't walk! Hands off, ya dirty blue!" Sarge bellows as he swats the younger man away.

"The hell? You're the Walmart greeter wearing blue all the time, gramps," Tucker says with a smirk, having learned that mentioning this color for some reason pisses the dude off to no end.

Sarge ignores the comment so he doesn't have to deal with being completely in denial about this fact. Instead, he occupies his mind with daydreams about the local Target having an open position so he can work for a business that has good taste in corporate colors.

The routine is the same as always: Tucker wanders through the aisles to investigate discounted previous holiday's candy and decorations, while Sarge shuffles to the pharmacy area to pick up his prescriptions.

What wasn't the same was the pharmacist behind the counter today. And gosh darn if Sarge had ever seen a sight as beautiful as her. Raven hair with stunning silver streaks in a loose bun, a sleek white coat accentuating her form, and a face that would make a boy hit puberty right then and there if he hadn't already. But thankfully, Sarge wasn't a boy. And he was ready to show this fine lady what a man he was.

"'Scuse me, miss?" he says, smoothing out his normally gruff voice. She cocks her head with a large smile, responding with bright excitement, "Why, hello there! Oh, oh, please, tell me, do you have an extremely rare and life-threatening disease and not a completely boring ailment like pneumonia? That would just make my day!"

God bless America-- Sarge was in love.

"I think you have somethin' for me, little lady," he continues with a chuckle. Sarge leans against the counter and flexes his arm to show how swole he was despite his age. He couldn't see it at first since he isn't wearing his bifocals, but now that he's closer, he squints to read the angel's name tag on her uniform: Dr. Emily Grey.

Dr. Grey's face falls, seemingly disappointed. "Oh, you called ahead to order the... Beano? You know, you can get that over the counter."

"Oh, nope! Must've heard me wrong! Dang phones, right? Yep, heh, I'm, uh, I meant to say, uh-- Viagra!" Sarge scrambles for an excuse to sound like an adequate partner, and hopes that it's sufficient.

Dr. Grey raises an eyebrow, but her smile brightens. Heh. Knew it would work. The lovely doctor turns to retrieve the product from a shelf behind her.

"Yep, normally Sarge Jr. has no problems, but a good soldier is always prepared!"

"That's very proactive of you,” she offers cheerfully, “especially given that most men your age tend to have a fairly active libido but not enough manpower to satisfy it!”

"Heh, well, once ya give me that magic little pill there, I'll be able to do a lotta satisfying. At least for four hours, anyway-- then I'll have to call ya to help me out." Sarge winks. Dr. Grey giggles as she pulls up his account on the pharmacy's computer.

"You'd need my number for that... Sarge?" She tilts her head quizzically. "Oh, there must be a data entry error, it looks like they only entered your surname--"

"No error there, gorgeous! Name's Sarge but you can call me daddy." Ha, he's on a roll, smoother than he'd ever been, age be damned!

"So how does a fella go about gettin' those digits, Ms. Emily Grey? Is your middle name murder? 'Cause I've got a boner for you." He earns another giggle from this heavensent being.

"I have no idea what you mean by that, but I would love to psychoanalyze you to find out!"

"Hey Sarge, d'ya get your fart meds? What's the hold up?" Tucker asks, carrying a bag full of Valentine's Day candy even though it was nearing Halloween. He approaches the two as Sarge finishes punching her number into his Jitterbug flip phone.

"Ain't no holdup, son!" Sarge hollers back, although his intended annoyance is dampened by his ear-to-ear grin. As they exit the store, Tucker lightly punches him in the shoulder with a proud smile. Sarge doesn't even think to berate or shrug off the whippersnapper, too distracted by his delight.

Sarge thinks on the battle won today. The battle… of love.

Part 2

"You're a DILF, sweetie, don't worry." Emily smiles at her husband of 19 years, rocking back and forth in the chair across from him on their porch.

"But he called me a GILF! I'm not a grandpa, Simmons doesn't even have kids! Him and that dirtbag haven't--"

"And even if they did, remember, you adopted him, so it technically doesn't have to count!" Emily disputes with her soft smile intact. She pats Sarge's hand lovingly. He huffs.

"Fine. Wait, what's all this hafta do with the Walgreens commercial we're doin', anyway? And why do they call it Walgreens? It would sound better if it was Walreds. Heh. At least it's not Walblues." Sarge shudders.

"Um, Mrs. Sharge? Could you shay the motto? My phone ish running out of battery," Jensen says anxiously, steadying her smartphone at the two. "Director Church won't be happy if I don't finish thish tonight!"

"Yer not even bein' paid, intern girl! Doesn't hafta be perfect!" Sarge grunts.

Emily rolls her eyes, then directs her line at the camera, "Trusted since 1901."

"Just like Sarge's dick!!"

"Palomo!! Ugh, I'll jusht edit it out!"

Fade to black.