#damange ctrl

[full-gearhq]

Full Gear HQ is a NEW Discord based, BEHIND THE SCENES roleplay server. Focusing on the behind the scenes action that happens behind the closed doors of all your favorite global companies.

* Group oriented roleplay

* Friendly and knowledgeable staff as well as writers always looking to discuss wrestling and plot

* most muses available

This is NOT an E-Fed. We will NOT be doing any kind of in-ring action, this is purely behind the scenes!

Most Wanted below:

Roman Reigns, Adam Cole, Austin Gunn, Channing “Stacks” Lorenzo, Damien Priest, Daniel Garcia, Darby Allin, Finn Balor, HOOK, Jay White, Kenny Omega, LA Knight, Malakai Black, Okada, Ricky Starks, Sami Zayn, Tony D’Angelo, Wardlow, Wes Lee, Wheeler Yuta, Jimmy Uso, Kevon Owens, Santos Escobar, Buddy Matthews, Malakai Black, Eddie Kingston

Asuka, Bayley, Becky Lynch, Blair Davenport, Brinley Reece, Carmella, Cathy Kelley, Charlotte Flair, Dakota Kai, Fallon Henley, Harley Cameron, Iyo Sky, Jacy Jayne, Jade Cargill, Jaida Parker, Jakara Jackson, Kairi Sane, Kelani Jordan, Kris Statlander, Lola Vice, Lyra Valkyria, Maxxine Dupri, Mercedes Mone, Naomi, Roxanne Perez, Thea Hail, Toni Storm, Zelina Vega, Aj Lee, Kayla Braxton, Samantha Irvin, Lash Legend

[benefits1986]

2018: The Come From Behind Playback

Marami-rami akong snaps na still and slithering this 2018 and sa totoo lang, mahirap pumili ng pang-top photo pero I am confident na among all the photos, eto talaga ‘yung pak level, literally and figuratively. For one, dito talaga nagsimula na maiba ang takbo ng kwento, ng plot twists and pasabog ng 2018. This year has been a “distill me and be still me” year na hindi ko talaga inaasahan at all. So, ayun na nga, as I am penning this, I am laughing out loud, shaking my head, and giving myself whacks on the head and pats on the shoulder. I have arrived. Ang tagal kong inantay itong vibes na ito --’yung ako na nakaalpas na sa shackles ng pagkawala ng mom ko. Wala akong paki kung sabihin ng iba na ang tagal naman ng 6 years kasi kanya-kanyang trip ‘yan at hindi biro na ang first ever loss ko as an adult is not only my mom but the tito I was once super close to. Mga 1 or 2 years apart lang sila nawala. Iba ang ball game ‘pag permanent loss. Nawala ‘yung solid ground ko. Nawala ‘yung center of gravity and center of the universe ko. I was left with nothing but me, myself and I. Emptiness was something that meant nothingness, but now, happy to share na emptiness and nothingness are paving the way to new chapters that waited for a really, really long time. 

So, I must say na 2018 is a come from behind year. Ito ‘yung jump off point ng mga what if’s ko na super I tried na hindi isipin kasi nga ‘di ba, we are made of the choices that we did not make. Pero 2018 has been a year of paradigm shifts and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. ‘Yung tipong, girl, ikaw ba ‘yan talaga? Pero, eventually, with all the uphill and downhill paganaps, na-realize ko ano ba talagang mga bagay na nagma-matter most to me. And, it has not been easy, but, kinaya! Kaya pala. At kaya pala naging ganito ang plot twists kasi maraming bagay na worth the wait. :) Basta, let things happen and trust fully in good vibes. 

A few days before 2018 ended, nakita ko ‘yung watch na binigay sa akin ng mom ko through my brother nung 26th birthday ko. Grabe lang. Alam na yata talaga namin ng nanay ko na hindi na siya aabot ng birthday ko kaya pinaabot na lang niya sa kapatid ko. Until now, may kirot at malalim na hugot ‘yan, pero ngayong 2018 ko rin naitawid with flying colors ang aking birthday month. Yes, hindi lang birthday. Birthday month! Usually kasi sobrang tindi ng undiagnosed depression ko (undiagnosed kasi legit siya talaga pero ayokong mag-undergo ng meds talaga because I tend to have addictive tendencies, so girl, salamat sa universe for sending me the right people to watch over me na may license at experience sa ganitong dark chapters) from May until June. As in todo. Pati health ko apektado the past years kaya ang ginagawa ko is I take a trip para may reason ako na hindi magkasakit at magkulong na naman sa bahay. Hindi ako ma-celebrate ng sarili kong birthday pero ang sama lang talaga ng thought na four days before birthday ko nawala mom ko. So, Siargao happened on mom’s 6th birthday in heaven. Day 0 ‘yun and grabedad lang ang Siargao. Hindi views. Hindi things to do. Hindi siya super duper ganda. Sakto lang. Pero the vibes, the stories and the whole experience made Siargao one of my most memorable trips to date. :) And damang-dama ko kasama ko mom ko while I was slaying my first ever solo travel sa Pinas and sa Mindanao. <3 

Hiatus year din ang 2018. I was always looking for a break pero ang napuntahan ko e seryosong breakdown kasi ngaaaaaa, ako lagi naga-adjust sa lahat ng paganap which is very, very bad pala. ‘Yung hiatus ko, JK Rowling-inspired ‘yan. Ihhhhh. Hindi ko alam na ‘yun pala ang kelangan ko para legit na marecalibrate ako lalo na ‘yung moral compass ko. Fucked up kasi ako without me realizing it fully. So, ang sagot na nakuha ko is AKO NAMAN. As simple as that. Tapos na ‘yung adjustments at the expense of losing my self or giving up the things I dearly hang onto and fight for. Tapos na pageexplain kasi at the end of the day, being judged is something so usual that it’s extra to see someone na walang bias. :) 

Reconnection year din ang 2018. Eto ang isa sa pinaka come from behind chararats ng 2018. Totoo na kapag CTRL + ALT + DEL ka ng mga tao, bagay at paganap na hindi talaga worth it, you get a room for people, places and paganaps that matter. Sobrang nagulat ako na ‘yung support group ko this year is sobrang well curated. ‘Yung as in I can be who I am without being mocked or questioned. Ang sarap na makasama ang mga tao na totally believing in you instead of blindly being with you or ‘yung mga secret toxic people na hindi na nga tumutulong, nakaka-stress pa. <3 Sobrang grabe lang na from being a closed book as in super sealed, I was able to start embracing my vulnerabilities. <3 Long way to go, pero andito na ako. 

Start of self love din ang 2018. Again, Siargao may kasalanan nitong pa-fitness journey kasi gusto ko lang talaga mag-bikini top (yes, top lang. I will never get abs and thigh gap in this lifetime perhaps) and shorts sa birthday week ko na alam kong kaya ko. Sooooo, ayun. Kinaya. And, hindi ‘yun a product of crash diet and all the fads. :) Mas masaya ako kasi pati dad ko, nayaya ko sa path na ito. Syempre, I still smoke and eat massively ‘pag di ko na talaga kaya, BUT, I would like to say that I’m more mindful about my body. Hindi dahil sa weight loss pero sa feeling good talaga dahil I am able to travel better. As in. :) Whenever people ask me what my secret is, balik lang ako sa pagtatapos ng hate ko sa healthy living kasi my mom lived a really healthy lifestyle but she died young. I am done with binge eating kasi gusto ko lang, pag-inom like crazy just because I want to numb the pain, and all the works. Hindi ko sinasabi na I won’t go crazy on food and drinks ever, but, now, I am making constant conscious choices. Sobrang nakakatuwa rin na there are people who are asking me to guide them in their journey, too. Again, hindi siya laging okay lalo na Christmas season, pero truth be told, I was able to maintain my weight a month before Christmas season. <3 Tiwala lang lagi sa sarili and it really, really helps to have a fitness kuno partner na hindi judging at lalong hindi pangasar or condescending na tao. Sa umpisa, ang dami talagang contra but trust me, titigil din ‘yang mga ‘yan. Also, acceptance of one’s body is always key. For me, I will never be the THIN ONE. Yung built ko is not at par with the standards of beauty and guess what? I DO NOT CARE kasi I know my scope and limits. Hindi ako naooffend sa mga comments na payat-na-hindi-inakala and all speculations lalo pa ay season ng patutsada sa reunion. Naooffend ako sa mga tao na insecure at walang sense ng self worth dahil sa body image nila. Nakakatawa at nakakaiyak at once. Salamat sa mga body positivity warriors na naging malaking parte ng 2018 ko. :) Sa inyo ko napagtanto ang consistency, going back to basic and just being at peace.

Ang 2018 din ang taon ng pagbonding ko ng with feelings sa pamilya ko. Truth be told, after my mom passed, I shut the world down. Hindi emo. Just plain na hindi ko alam to deal with emotions so under the category salat sa emotional intelligence. Finally, hindi ko na kelangan na manood ng films para maiyak at magkabugso ng damdamin. Kaya nga ako naging fan ng cinema hindi dahil sa pa artsy at pa indie. Hahaha. Kelangan ko lang ng safe place para magpakawala ng emotions ng little investment. Controlled pa rin. Hahaha. Ang fucked up kasi 2018 lang ako nakatagpo ng mga tao na puwede talaga akong magpadanak ng honest feelings na hindi ako jinu-judge. Yes. 2018 lang. Summer 2018 onward to be specific. And ang galing kasi hindi pala siya mahirap when you are with the right people. :) Ang gaan sa pakiramdam at nakakawala ng kalam at kabulukan ng kaibuturan.

Salamat, 2018. Tunay mo nga na-distill ang pagkatao at subok ko sa pagpapakatao in a very, very graphic, horrific, and fantastic way. It was a ride na talagang worth it.