#dailypressconference

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Grant Shapps Imitates Chris Tarrant to Show the UK is out of Lifelines

Grant Shapps was invited to do front of house at the Downing Street daily press conference for the second time in six days. For a moment let the thought sink in. Since Shapps is a man obviously in a puddle out of his reach, there can be only four reasons for that. All the more experienced ministers, such as Rishi Sunak and Matt Hancock, have said they will be working to govern and restrict their appearances from now on. Or Boris Johnson knows how many dudes are in the cabinet – Where is Priti? – This is the best Shapps he is getting. Perhaps Grant has managed to persuade Boris that he is really two different people; that Michael Green's alter ego is a true individual. Or – and that is most likely – the government has accepted defeat and decided to turn the briefing into a piece of Dadaist performance art. The coronavirus had been deconstructed by interpretive dance. Not that the Shapps is not a trier. His normal level is in the graveyard slot of an online shopping site, as a salesman flying dodgy cleaning appliances. But he is made an attempt to improve his game for the press conferences by doing his Chris Tarrant impersonation on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Smile glued on, boundless joy and a big round of applause for Walsall's Emma who will go home with a £2,000 bumper prize tonight. The complicated terms and conditions of today's competition for coronavirus started with Shapps. In the previous 24 hours about 126,064 tests had been performed. Ok so some of them were on the same people and others were shipped out sets, but it was still a new record for the show and everybody could show their gratitude please. Afterwards the transport secretary listed the figure of the daily death. That was incredibly sad, he said. He did not sound particularly sad though. Perhaps because his repertoire does not contain complicated, negative emotions. He did not want to feel bad for the crowd. So how about yet another big shout for the UK with Europe's highest fatality ratings? After a quick rundown of the government's latest messaging service – Stay Alert, as both Stay at Home and Go Back to Work instructions were deeply confusing – Shapps got trapped in the proper gameshow. He did not want anyone to go home sad, so how about thinking about the pandemic with all the positive things? Despite no one using the trains, Network Rail had plenty of time to update the network and on several projects was now well ahead of budget. And the road upgrades to the A14 had been finished seven months early, with even fewer people using their vehicles. Felix from Felixstowe, with £ 16,000 you will be moving south. Who wants to be a multimillionaire? Shapps have. That is why he was able to reveal a huge cash incentive for roads and trains, with £ 1.7bn for potholes only. The creators of the series also suffered a minor heart attack at the back of the room. No-one had told them that Chris / Grant should start wasting their money like that. The Transportation department had to provide a clarification within minutes. The minister got a bit carried away. Really the £2bn was not new money. He was simply re-announcing money already promised. Still, by the time the series was repeated on ITV3 nobody will notice.

Public initial questions have proven to be especially difficult. Helen wanted to ask if colleges were going back in September and if her son were going to take out a £9k loan for an education he would not be having. Shapps smiled and bemoaned. This is a question he would like to pose himself, because he had a son at university as well. He would also be able to call a relative. Gavin Williamson unsurprisingly did not answer his call. Once asked about deaths in nursing homes, Shapps also had to ask the crowd, because he had no idea what the solution was. Using Boris as your role model is maybe not such a smart idea when planning for a press conference. "The death rate in care homes in Europe is 50%," he said cheerfully. "But it was only 25 percent in the UK." And if the elderly did their bit by dying a little sooner, we would soon be as successful as the Italians and the Spaniards. Cannot have Johnny Foreigner beat us on mortality figures. The remainder of the presser was similarly unluminous. Shapps is an equal opportunity platform when you do not know much about it. He was not familiar with the antibody tests but he was pleased that it was a reasonable question. He wants to be happy. He had no idea how many elective activities had been scrapped, but because he had used up all of his lifelines, he could simply tell that he hoped it was not that many. Nor did he know precisely what to do to save London's Transport. Shapps is as perplexed as Boris that telling people to return to work and social distancing are still solely pastimes for one another. Do not forget leaving your valuable comment on this piece of writing and sharing with your near and dear ones. To keep yourself up-to-date with Information Palace, put your email in the space given below and Subscribe. Furthermore, if you yearn to know about the 18-minute Ghost of Tsushima gameplay, view our construct, ‘Watch 18 Minutes of New Ghost of Tsushima Gameplay Shots’. Read the full article