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thebibliomancer · 3 years ago

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Essential Avengers: West Coast Avengers #6: QUEST for CATS!

March, 1986

I love this title, if nothing else!

Cat Quest! Quest for Cats! Lets goooooo!

Let’s summon a cat out of smoke because this book has insufficient amounts of cats!

As I try to type this, a cat attempts to lay on my wrists! Cats!

But before cats, last time on West Coast Avengers time.

Last times: West Coast Avengers Tigra has been more and more taken over by her cat side. Mostly its causing her to be super horny and mercurial of mood. Also: Wonder Man re-revealed to the public that he did a white collar crime like twenty years ago when it was the 60s. And Hawkeye aggressively pursued Ben Grimm the Thing to be the sixth member of the team! And there’s something going on with this guy called Master Pandemonium who can turn his arms and legs into demons! There’s just a lot going on, okay? But it has resulted in Firebird, the not Phoenix phoenix themed hero, to be hanging around the team. Also, Ultron kept prank calling Hank Pym until Hank yelled at him so Ultron suddenly decided he wanted to make amends instead.

There’s so much going on.

LIKE THE BEST MAGIC SPELL EVER

(I assume its the cat summoning spell from the cover)

Love the caption box that seems to bemoan that California has lost its way in the Greed is Good 80s by losing its interest in the occult.

I mean, these those days you hardly ever find a former living vampire teaching superheroes how to summon demons.

Not like the good old days.

Anyway, yeah, that’s what Morbius remembers of the spell that he saw that one time which he doesn’t even know if its related to the same cat people that Tigra is looking to speak with. But what he does know is that the West Coast Avengers probably should do the spell at Daemond Mansion!

The phone rings, interrupting things. Hank rushes to answer it because IT MIGHT BE ULTRON but its not, its just Wonder Man’s agent.

I do like what Hank thinks as he’s rushing to answer.

Hank Pym, Normal NotSuperheroMan: “It might be Ultron again! He said the last time he wanted to ‘bury the hatchet’ between us -- so it must be time for him to tell me ‘April Fool!’”

I love that sounds perfectly in character with Ultron’s new prank caller persona.

Just calling Hank to get his hopes up and going ‘just joking, bro!’ Lean fully into being a petty shit.

Anyway. Something I notice about Englehart’s writing that I don’t think I remembered from his earlier Avengers run is that its very wordy.

When Simon Wonder Williams goes to answer the phone, Hawkeye, Mockingbird, and Tigra all over thought bubbles where they muse that this might be the verdict on public opinion on Simon re-revealing his criminal past.

(While, hilariously, Firebird is watching all this nonsense going on and thinking "If only I could be an Avenger -- !”)

As it happens, the phone call is good news. Simon Williams’ agent got him a role in a good movie! An A-movie! With Universal Studios!

In also good news, the polls are coming up Wonder Man. The majority of people aren’t bothered by that embezzlement Simon did decades ago. Or however long ago. Sliding time scale.

Hawkeye has to be the party pooper because that’s what the team leader needs to be sometimes and points out that they need Wonder Man on the team for their cat quest.

Iron Man is on medical leave for werewolf wounds and Wonder Man is their only heavy hitter.

Tigra argues naaaaaaah, the cat people are friends! We don’t even need to punch them! Go on and do your movie, big guy!

Mockingbird suggests Firebird could join them since she’s hanging around anyway, which Tigra balks at.

Because she arbitrarily hates Firebird. For cat reasons? Probably.

Tigra: “Her? She’s not an Avenger! She’s just a little bird who got her wings clipped!”

Firebird: “I -- I don’t know what I’ve done to offend you, Tigra -- but I apologize for it, whatever it is!”

Firebird also points out that she has her own mission to deal with. Y’know, Master Pandemonium? But Mockingbird points out that she went off to look for Master Pandemonium and just ended up hanging out with the Avengers again! So might as well stick with them for this cat quest and then they can all look for the guy together!

Hawkeye disinterestedly approves of Firebird as a temporary party member and then runs off to call Ben Grimm.

Hawkeye lies a liiiiiitle bit, claiming that Tigra has been asking after him so the Thing agrees to join the mission so he can hang out with Tigra for the old times’ sake of that time she was hanging out with the Fantastic Four.

Hawkeye: “Got ‘im!”

Pfft. Oh Clint.

Later, the (West Coast) Avengers fly to Topanga Canyon Hills to visit Daemond Mansion, a clearly very haunted house.

Firebird: “I do not like the feel of evil in these walls! It seems to be... waiting...!”

Tigra: “Nobody wants to hear your feelings, Firebird!”

Geez, Tigra.

You are becoming unpleasant.

Also, despite all the ominous feelings, the only thing in the mansion is a very cat-looking coyote who apparently has nothing to do with the Epic imprint series Coyote.

Thanks, caption box!

ANYWAY, the West Coast (Avengers) find a giant pentagram painted on the floor of the ritual room and get down to doing some black magic(k)!

Didn’t think I’d see it happen so casually in an Avengers book but there we go!

Actually, a more magic focus in their adventurers would distinguish the West Coast Avengers from the Hydrobase Avengers. The East Coast team doesn’t not deal with magic. I mean, Wanda learned witchcraft over a weekend. But its not one of their most common genres of adventure. Its something that happens to them sometimes and they’re never happy about it.

MAGIC(K)!

I can think of a lot of circumstances where a spell of Summon: Cat Hunk can come in handy.

Carpool lane. Need a date for prom. Need some help carrying groceries. Shoulder to cry on. If you be into that kinda thing no judgement. Dealing with rodents of unusual size. Have some extra fish to get rid of. Want to put the fear into a cat-hating dog. Hugs.

1001 uses. And yet I named but a few.

Although Cat Hunk Balkatar hasn’t strictly made any aggressive moves, the Thing immediately moves to punch him. And Firebird, deciding that he’s an evil demon who must be purified, immediately sets him on fire.

Hilariously, while clearly smouldering from the fire, Balkatar claims that since fire doesn’t exist where he comes from, he’s immune to it.

YEAH SURE THAT’S HOW THINGS WORK now I’m going to lick the sun. In my land there is no photosphere so naturally I’m not affected by plasma.

Also, again, they summoned this dude for help and immediately started kicking his ass.

Geez, guys.

Tigra ends the fight by going ‘hey I’m Tigra’ which works a charm.

Tigra asks that Balkatar take them to the cat lands for their cat quest and Balkatar wastes no time disappearing them to the land of the cats.

Meanwhile, Simon Wonder Williams Man appears on the set of the movie that he still doesn’t know which movie it is.

The motive for casting the big guy? “Pictures live or die by word of mouth, Dino, and Wonder Man’s number one in that department right now!”

Hey, wouldn’t be the first time Hollywood tried to strike while the iron was hot on someone’s notoriety or whatever.

A foot in the door is a foot in the door.

Anyway, then Wonder Man is attacked by a barbarian type with a sword and mace.

A barbarian type: “DIE, vampire! You’ll not mingle my blood with the poisonous ichor which bloats your veins!”

Morbius is in the A-plot, dude.

The barbarian dude tries to hit Simon with his weapons so he just breaks them. And then tosses the guy across the room.

Dude is like seven feet of pure muscle but he’s not pure ionic muscle.

Turns out though, that this random dude attacking on a film set was in fact an actor! The lead actor! Arnold Schwarzburger, who is legally distinct from Arnold Schwarzenegger!

And like that Arnold’s role as Conan, this Arnold is playing Arkon in Arkon IV (so this Arnold’s barbarian movie did a lot better?) and they need a really spectacular villain!

(Apparently the director told Arnold to attack Simon, as a sort of unannounced try-out for the kind of action the movie might have)

You might remember Arkon from long, long ago in Avengers #75 and 76?

He was the barbarian king of another world who came to Earth to start a nuclear war that would save his own world? He instantly fell in love with Scarlet Witch because she was the One Woman on the team and had to be available for all plots like that?

Anyway, apparently his rampage around Earth in those two issues made enough of an impact on the public that there’s a trilogy of films about him. Not bad.

Plus, if you make movies about people from another world, they can’t demand a cut of the profits. Probably. I think there was a She-Hulk story adjacent to this but I don’t remember what the legal deal was.

Arnold Schwarburger, who is definitely not a real world Arnold who is also a bodybuilder actor, isn’t bothered by being thrown across the room because he’s just thinking how cool the movie will be if Simon plays the villain.

The director suggests that its a sympathetic villain to try to keep Simon’s interest but, hell, Simon would play the horse if he got a role in an Arkon movie!

Looks like things are coming up Wonder Man!

Anyway, back at the West Coast Avengers Compound, Hank Pym goes for a ride on Hawkeye’s sky-cycle.

Ultron-12 invited him to talk and while Hank isn’t afraid of Ultron killing him, he isn’t about to invite Ultron inside the (West Coast) Avengers base.

Ultron-12 shows up and does Hank a startle, although the killer robot emphasizes that he’s not here to kill Hank.

Ultron-12: “You know, father, I have ceaselessly evolved myself since I gained self-awareness as Ultron-1! In those early days, I hated my father, as many adolescents do -- but having progressed through twelve forms, I have finally seen what most young men see -- that the struggle to assert myself at your expense is essential, but an essential phase that mature men outgrow!”

Oh my god.

I am enamored with Ultron just... growing out of supervillainy. He’s always been a bit of a tantruming piss baby but. The idea that he’s gone through so many iterations that he goes ‘and now its time for me to put away childish things like trying to kill my dad and trying to turn his wife into a robot!’

It’s amazing.

I think my favorite part is that Ultron doesn’t really say that being an evil killbot was wrong, just immature. In fact, he says that it was essential to his emotional development!

I know where this is going (cursed future knowledge) plus there’s so much asshole Ultron content in the future, like Ultron and Hank smooshing into one horrible cyborg. But I can imagine a future Avengers team which casually has Ultron on it, like the difference between present Braniac and the Braniac on the Legion of Super-Heroes. Except with less of a time gap.

Anyway.

Ultron also has non-maturity reasons. Although he credits them to having a mature outlook now.

Ultron-12: “I have looked at my life -- or lives -- and seen that my dreams of creating a ‘son’ in the Vision, or a ‘wife’ in Jocasta, have collapsed -- and you are my only relative! Moreover, father -- now that you are divorced, it is likely that the only ‘son’ you’ll ever have is me!”

Hank Pym: “That’s not an easy concept to swallow, Ultron!”

Ha.

Ultron: ‘We’re the best company we’ve got!’

Hank: ‘Oh that makes me so sad.’

Ultron further explains that he was impressed how Hank Pym heroically fought when he was kidnapped by the Grim Reaper. Presumably the fact that he did it without any powers adds to the impressiveness.

So he thought about it and decided, ‘yes, that’s good’ and instead of Ultron he now goes by Ultron Mark Twelve because he thinks it sounds human.

I’d personally suggest Ultron Mark Twelve Pym but maybe he wants to reconcile with Hank before he starts using his name.

Ultron-12: “So, father -- may we put my evil past behind us and forget the first eleven Ultrons? May we begin anew?”

Hank is noncommittal. That’s a lot of grievance to just forget but Hank suspects that if Ultron were a meat son, Hank would be ready to forgive.

SCENE CHANGE SO HANK DOESN’T HAVE TO MAKE UP HIS MIND NOW

Its been a couple of pages but the West Coast Avengers and also the Thing and Firebird have arrived on the planet of the cats. Or “the land within.”

It seems like... its an enclosed world. There’s what could be a rock ceiling above the cat city. And there’s a sorta-sun called the glowsphere, which warms the land but doesn’t grow anything.

Also, all the decorations are cat themed. But I don’t point and laugh whenever anything on Earth is all human themed so I’ll be respectful.

A welcoming party of cat people meets Balkatar and the West Coast Avengers plus the Thing and Firebird before long and remind him ‘UH HEY bringing in outsiders is ABSOLUTELY TREASON, you dunkass!’

But Balkatar introduces one of the ‘outworlders’ as Tigra and the welcoming party immediately changes their tune.

Huh, Tigra was right about the cat people being her friends. Her name is opening doors.

When she goes in front of the king though, he’s less awestruck.

He orders his guards put the non-Tigras in cages so he can speak to Tigra privately.

Ben Thing tries fighting back but Hawkeye convinces him to stand down and let himself be taken prisoner.

I’m sure he has a plan.

Or maybe he’s just over-valuing Ben telling the king to get off “our backs!” and misreading it as another sign that he’ll badger Ben into joining the Avengers (West Coast) yet!

Although Hawkeye does complain about having to make the smart, leadership decisions like not punching cats as they’re led out.

With the (West Coast) Avengers led out, the king gives Tigra leave to talk.

Tigra: “Your majesty, I am cursed with having two separate souls -- the one I was born with -- Greer Nelson, a woman of Chicago, Illinois -- and the one that was overlaid upon it by your people -- Tigra, your legendary warrior!”

This cat king isn’t actually familiar with Tigra’s backstory so Tigra recaps her entire backstory!

As people are wont to do. As was the style at the time.

So in brief, Greer Nelson was the Cat wearing the costume more known for Patsy Walker, Hellcat. The costume was given to her by her friend Dr. Marie Tumolo and increased her physical and mental attributes. Then the Cat got shot by ALPHA RADIATION while fighting crime.

Dr. Tumolo revealed that she was actually a cat person, gathered a bunch of other cat people, and transformed Greer into Tigra through “science, and magick, and mental energy.”

Hmm.

Tigra was a lot more catlike back in the day. She even had cat ears.

Anyway, after telling her story, Tigra says dominance keeps swinging back and forth between the cat and woman sides of her and she wants the cat removed even if kills Greer.

The king tells her to relax, their science entirely capable of removing part of her soul without harming her. And as The Tigra, she’s welcome to their aid.

EXCEPT the king declares that the part of her they’ll remove is the human woman part.

Tigra: “What? Oh, no -- Please understand, it’s the uncertainty that torments me, not the Tigra part! I’ve had many good moments as Tigra -- but I’m human! I want to be human again!”

King Cat: “Silence! If you were one of my subjects, I’d have you destroyed for such insubordination! I must consider your situation at great length!”

Then King Cat tells Balkatar to take Tigra off so he can think about the situation at great length.

Balkatar asks if he’s in trouble for bringing outsiders to the cat land and the king says he’s not in trouble for Tigra but might be for the rest of the group.

So Balkatar takes her to the cliffs surrounding the city and apologizes for the king, saying that its a hard life in the “land within” so the king has to be harder.

ALSO he mentions that “it is our nature to please females” so uh.

Tigra: “Nothing will please me till my life gets settled!”

Balkatar: “Oh, I doubt that -- not if you have any part of us within you!”

Tigra: “Well... I suppose you’re right! Cats’ moods do come and go -- !”

Eesh.

So she and Balkatar sit on the warm rocks and chillax.

Balkatar mentions that as the Balkatar, he actually does a lot of just chillaxing on warm rocks.

Balkatar isn’t a name, its his job.

The Balkatar is the cat man selected to answer the summons of outworlder sorcerers. So I guesss he has to be on call so spends a lot of time just waiting.

Tigra isn’t really listening to this. She’s more thinking “I can’t not fuck him!”

So they make out and maybe more. The time skip, it’s like a fade to black.

After the maybe-sex, Grigar the Balkatar tries to convince Tigra to move in with him. Move into his dimension, I mean.

Still, kinda moving fast, dude.

Moving in after one fade to black? Geez, you’re coming off as desperate.

And then its time for the post-maybe-sex history lesson because apparently Tigra is a title just like Balkatar is.

Luckily(?), the history of the Tigra involves explaining the whole ass history of the cat people.

Yay, multi-tasking!

Anyway.

A sorcerer from Earth named Ebrok turned normal cats into cat-people.

I don’t know why he did this but he taught the first cat-people Flavius and Helene magic. The other sorcerers didn’t like cat-people knowing magic and tensions eventually led to a sorcerer on cat-people war.

A war that the cat-people lost.

The sorcerers banished all the cat-people to the land within, with the Balkatar being the sole exception who could come to Earth if summoned by a sorcerer. To do cat errands, I wager.

Unbeknowst to the sorcerers Flavius and Helene managed to avoid this banishment. They hid out with Ebrok and helped him with his work.

Apparently, his work was to create the bubonic plague.

Because one of the enemy sorcerers found out that Ebrok was hiding cat-people and killed him. In retaliation, Flavius broke a flask of black plague over the sorcerers head, unleashing it on the world.

Geez, Flavius. You’re a mass murderer!

This cat story being told by a cat seems to lean sympathetic towards the cat-people but maybe Ebrok was a dick?

Anyway, Flavius had murderer’s remorse. He and Helene fled into the mountains and tried to create a cure of the plague.

Wait, why did Ebrok create a plague and no cure?

But either way, Flavius and Helene’s efforts were thwarted by the sorcerers’ guild, still very angry at the concept of cat-people who know magic.

Flavius and Helene tried to summon the Balkatar to help them but his whole deal prevented him from going against the sorcerers.

So instead, Flavius and Helene decided to make more cat-people! The new-fashioned way! The same way Ebrok made them!

Except, they couldn’t figure out how to turn cats into cat-people. The narration says that the sorcerers blocked their efforts but doesn’t go into any detail on how they did that.

And the panel is just Flavius and Helene looking quizzically at a cat that doesn’t give a crap about them.

So who knows.

Anyway, if they couldn’t turn cat into people, they’d go the other way and turn people into cats.

“Thus was born the warrior of our legends -- the first Tigra!”

“And she fulfilled her function with great savagery!

I assume that means she killed all the sorcerers in that hostile sorcerers’ guild.

So with the Balkatar freed of the sorcerers’ control, kinda, Flavius and Helene summoned him again and asked him to have sex with Tigra I to create a second race of cat-people.

HMMMMM.

I have no reason to suspect that this exposition isn’t 100% historically accurate but it sure is a thing that the Balkatar is telling the Tigra that, historically, they should bang.

Anyway.

This Balkatar-Tigra cat-people race eventually led to Dr. Tumolo and her cat-people friends.

And Dr. Tumolo’s research was, retroactively, all about granting humans the power of the cat-people through artificial means. Like the Cat costume, which Balkatar describes as “something very like an artificial Tigra.”

Uh. Do the powers of the cat-people include grappling claws?

Anyway, all this talk of Dr. Tumolo makes the Tigra want to exposit.

Tigra: “Poor Marie! I guess I’ve always felt I was sort of her legacy -- which made it that much harder to reject this form -- but I never knew how much a legacy I really was! She did her best for her people, as she saw it -- but I wonder now, in retrospect, how much she cared about people-people! She didn’t tell me what she was up to, until she made me a real Tigra!”

Anyway, Dr. Tumolo is dead now, Tigra exposits and flashbacks.

The High Evolutionary turns a cat into a cat-person named Tabur, as the High Evolutionary is wont to do, and Tabur went on a rampage in Marvel Premiere #42. Dr. Tumolo sacrificed herself trying to stop him and Tigra wound up actually stopping Tabur, turning him back into a cat.

This plausible sex and exposition session is interrupted by one of the cat-people who tells the Balkatar and the Tigra that the king has summoned them.

Balkatar: “What a shame...!”

Random cat-person: “What did you say?”

Tigra: “He said -- ‘nice day if it don’t rain!’”

Heh.

Comedy duo these two.

Anyway, the two lovecats? return to the throne room for the king’s decision.

King Cat: “There is an outworlder who is extremely bothersome to us, since he considers us to be demons! His name is Master Pandemonium... and I want you to kill him!”

Oh, hey, what’re the odds!

Now the Avengers (West Coast), the cat-people, and Firebird are all after Master Pandemonium!

This dude be collecting enemies.

Tigra protests that Avengers don’t kill!

And before the king can answer, the (West Coast) Avengers Assemble right in the throne room and start beating people up.

They got bored waiting off-panel, broke out off-panel, and came on-panel to help!

What are teammates for, after all.

Mockingbird singles Balkatar out of the crowd and starts kicking his ass, demanding he tell the rest of the cat-people to call off the fight.

She’s missed some nuance about the Balkatar’s position here, I feel.

Either way, Tigra objects.

Tigra: “Wait, Mockingbird! If anybody jumps his bones -- it’ll be me!”

WELL

Just going to up and say it, huh?

The (West Coast) Avengers and two guests re-assemble, for some reason. It makes for funny text, at least.

But Tigra yells the fight to a halt.

Tigra: “The king already made his decision, Hawkeye! He’s going to help me -- no strings attached!”

Gaaaaaaaaaasp, Tigra, that’s a fib!

What prompted the change of mind?

Who knows! And who needs consistent characterization when you can just go ‘lol cat mercurial.’

Grumble.

I don’t object to an excuse to have an adventure in cat-land with the cat-people that gave Tigra her cat-powers. Learn some Deepest Lore about why a tiger woman.

But I have a problem with the inciting reason.

Tigra suddenly having trouble with her cat instincts and all. Which seems to come out of nowhere and has nothing to do with where she was before the ongoing.

Maybe it’ll get better or not get worse? Hope springs eternal.

Now I have to go read part of Secret Wars II to make sense of an Avengers issue that’s super tied-in! Haha, why!

Follow @essential-avengers because West Coast Avengers! Just the concept of the West Coast Avengers! Maybe the Great Lakes Avengers, wink. Like and reblog too, to make me feel good about myself.

#essential avengers #west coast avengers #avengers #essential marvel liveblogging #just a whole bunch of cat people #Tigra #hawkeye #Mockingbird #Wonder Man #Firebird #the Thing #the absence of Iron Man due to werewolf wounds #Michael Morbius #Hank Pym #Ultron #Ultron Mark Twelve #a lot of stuff going on in this west coast avengers book

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