#dad got admitted to the hospital on saturday and i was told at 4am before the most stressful work shift i've had in a very long time

[zaukiel]

gee i wonder why im struggling to focus and draw so badly today i must just be tired! yes! im very tired, this must be it.

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 7

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 181: Typing on day 182. I received an email from someone at DSM who had got my CV from Helen Proctor (she was the manager that interviewed me along with the founder) and wants me to interview for a IT business consultant role for a shoe firm (Loakes) in Kettering. I called the chap and had a quick chat and arranged it for Wednesday.

A few beers, as it’s Friday, and caught up via video chat with Foggy and Irish Mike (Foggy’s on quarantine having holidayed in the south of France). It was a late one and they were both pissed, but nice to chat. Andy and Ham were meant to join but were no shows - Ham had his sister’s funeral this week - might explain it.

Day 182: I messaged Ham - he went round his folk’s house after work last night as his two sisters were there. I have to admit, I am ignorant of all of Ham’s brothers and Sisters so he may well have meant one was Preaya in an urn.

Someone on the Oundle Chatter FB group asked about Google Hangouts (on behalf of her son who is attending college and they have online classes using it. I am now about to look into it for her. Why did I get involved. It’s 8pm on a Saturday, ffs!

Update, I researched it and messaged her - seems I hit a nail on the head and she seemed suitably grateful. Booze and pizza coming right up (at 9:15pm)

Day 183: Up at just before 2pm - I drank shed loads last night and went to bed after 4am. Faffed about but did manage my stair climb, a 10km walk and I am now making a roast dinner-ish tea (chicken breast stuffed with red leicester and wrapped in bacon) with all the veg and yorkies (I am trying to empty the freezer as it needs defrosting).

Day 184: I posted on FB that today was half a leap year of lockdown (that’s wrong, should have been yesterday). Rachel replied that it isn’t lockdown anymore. I replied that it is for me but that got me thinking - are we officially in lockdown still? Checked, and we are. Posted that on the same thread and Badger replied that the current level of lockdown has been uprated to level 4, whatever that actually means. Rachel’s post worries me - 1. ‘cos it’s indictative of the far-too-relaxed attitude and, 2. I wasn’t even sure even though I’m still observing the same lockdown behaviour that I was before Boris made his announce on March 23rd. Scary how facts bleed into fiction. 

Jim contacted me today, asked me to call. I did so, he says I’ll be asked to return to work (from home) on the 5th October (two weeks). Shirley from HR will be in contact. I’ll believe when I see the email from her! 

Day 185: Boris announced a tightening of the relaxed lockdown including pubs shutting at 10pm. None of it really affects me since I’m still in as full a lockdown as when it started.

Received an email from John Morton at DSM for an interview at Loakes tomorrow (Wed) at 09:30am.

Received a Facebook message from the editor at Oundle Chronicle - he wants to do a short article about the photos I take and post on the Oundle Chatter fb group.

Day 186: Interview went ok.

Called Dad and Rita to let them know that I received an email from RCI confirming that I will be back at work on the 5th of October.

In the evening, Facebook had posts concerning somebody walking round Creed Road with a knife in his hand, and the police getting involved!

Day 187: Spend spend spend. Paid my speeding fine today £357, my water bill £147, bought two new duvet cover sets and two new sheets £58, a new pair of walking boots (my relatively new Hi-Tec are leaking and falling apart) £75. Oh, and the car insurance renews day after tomorrow, £230. Thank fucking fuck I’m being taken off furlough!

Day 188: Friday and I’m going to have a few beers and watch a couple of films.  I’ve been trawling through Seinfeld and am most the way through S3, and it’s brilliant. The Kramer character is mentally good. One episode had the actress who played Janice in Friends - that episode is a classic - which also included an scene whereby the cast are all exclaiming ‘Saturday night’ similar to the Friends TikTok trend. Got a call this morning about a service delivery lead role for EPM, a education service provider, based in Huntingdon. It’s a good role, very involved, reporting directly to the head of IT. But it’s only £32k pa. I replied to the email the recruiter subsequently sent to say I am interested but that salary is less than £5k pa than I am on now as a 2nd line support techie!  Lastly, I am well on my way to doing 500,000 steps in September!

Day 189: I was woken by the doorbell - a delivery of one of the duvet cover sets. On the door mat was a missed parcel delivery note from Ryal Mail (I have to get whatever it is from Warmington PO) and a note from next door (No. 34) asking for me to turn my music down at 10.30pm. That’s fair enough but....10.30pm! What are they, 80 years old? I have felt low today. There is no rhyme nor reason as to my moods suffice to say I am not of the happiest dispostion on a permanent basis, resigned to being alone. In fact, I have come to terms with the fact I’ll die alone but, it seems, some days I cope with it a lot worse than others. On that cheery note, it’s 8.45 pm on a Saturday night so, I am about to launch into some beers, weed and pizza. I think tonight I’ll seek out the second John Wick film - watch the first last night - so fucking good. You gotta love Keanu!

Day 190: Hopefully the last Sunday of having an enforced no-work-on-Monday so I’m going to have a beer or two (it’s now 8:20pm - just cracked open a Bud), watch American Sniper and eat Chilli and naan bread and onion rings. I did a 12 km walk today - I recall a time when 40-45 minuts walking was enough. Today’s walk was 2 hours! I know it’s only walking but I feel fitter than I have for years; still unfit, but fitter. Day 191: Well, I enjoyed the decadence of boozing last night but it meant getting up at after midday! Still managed two walks, trip to Tesco’s in Hampton after picking up the mystery parcel from Warmington PO. It was two unknown bottles of beer for a marketing campaign I entered a few days ago! I have to not open the beers until I receive instruction whereby I’ll be joining in with other drinkers in video chat! Day 192: Smahed 500k steps for September with one day to go! Cleaned the kitchen - I’m going to do the whole house over the next few days while I have the free time since I’m back to work on Monday.  The lad from next door called round this eveing to ask if I got the note. When I said yes, he told me they (he and his partner) can still hear music. FFS! I asked where their bedroom was, it’s along side mine, so I guess it’s the TV sound that is travelling up and disturbing them. Great, fuck knows what I should do if I want to watch anything after 10:30pm. I suppose going back to work is good timing..I shall be going to bed around that time myself, especially if I want to get up early to get a walk in before starting at 09.00 am.

Day 193: Typing on day 194. Only managed one walk today, before 9.00am. It made a great change walking that early. I then set about doing housework (which I started yesterday) - I want to clean the house from top to bottom before going back to work. i.e. while I have time during the working week. I did the Kitchen yesterday and the whole lounge today. It’s fucking knackering. I managed 519k steps in September, works out at 9.6 miles per day, which is good and, also, annoying. I have taken delivery and laundered all my new bedding. It’s brushed cotton lushness, can’t wait to try it. Last ‘happy hour’ of (this current) furlough, so I had beers (and a fucking spicey sausage casserole)...hence penning this a day late.

Day 194: I didn’t get out of bed until nearly 2pm, FFS. Spome with Ricky Roberts about kayaking, it sound sliek something I could take up but, I would need to join the boat club to have somewhere to get in and out!

Day 195: Sueanne from work called to let me know she’s taking over from Jim ‘til new yer and that the team are looking forward to my return - lovely. Dad called, he and Rita are fine as usual - lovely.

Day 196: Got up fater 2pm. I was seriously fucking wasted last night. Had a video chat with Fog - just checked, it ended at 02.04am and I did a lot more drinking and smoking after that. I still managed a 9.7km walk and am now going to settle down to a few (just a few!) beers, shepherds pie and watch Casino. Day 197: Quiet Sunday with some bizarre results in Super Sunday in the prem. Man U lost at home to Spurs 1-6 and Liverpool were thrashed at Villa Park, 7-2. Work tomorrow, feeling a little apprehensive, not sure why. Got to go to the office (to reset password) at 09.00am

Day 198: Back to work. It went OK. I had to go to the office so that my a/c could be enabled and password reset and t get VPN working. There were a few problems but I was back home and logged in OK in the afternoon. Saw Mark in the office - he’s lost weight and was telling me about a cycling accident - I knew about it, but I didn’t realise he had been in hospital and had a plate put in his shoulder. He also has the exact same issue with codeine as me! I am pleased to be back at work but it’s different - no Jim and Sueanne in charge is the main thing. I’m just going to keep my head down; it’ll be for the best.

Day 199: Second day back at work and I’m (trying to) crack on with it. It’s all coming back... New walking boots arrived today (I have them on as I type); I reckon I’ll be OK to walk in them with no breaking in. That’s just as well as my evening walk took me by the marina and the path between the lock, the small bridge and, especially, the larger bridge into the field at the bottom of Basset Ford Road was flooded, no way my boots will be dry for tomorrow.  I did my stair climb before work, 3.5 km walk at lunchtime and then a long, second one, as mentioned, later. I want to try and do a short walk before work in future, hopefully. On the way back from the lunchtime walk, I saw the lad from next door who thanked for me keeping the music down as per the note he left, so, that’s all good.

Day 200: I’ve started a work diary,  à la ENDC....nowhere as urgently required but I just think it’s a good idea.

I wore my new boots for the lunchtime walk (3.6km) and they’re fine. However, I didn’t use them in the evening, they niggled the left foot a bit, so some breaking in is required. My usual ones were just about dry enough having been sat on the radiator! Day 201: Popped into the office today to pick up my full headset dongle, did a quick shop at Asda. So, only one walk today. I have not yet managed to get a walk in before work, just the stair climb, so missed out on a lunchtime walk today since I was shopping. Did 8.5km in the evening. Bought a card online for K’s birthday. Not sure why, we seem not to be communicating - I haven’t heard from her for over a month now which, as mentioned before, I shouldn’t find as hard as I do. The card’s pretty cool though, a quip about just getting a card as a present would involve non-essential travel. Now I am back at work, I want a to do loist app. I recall a smart one that was a linear/curved affair that I saw on Producthunt but, fuck me, I couldn’t find it after over an hour looking. Then I checked Google apps and there it was (Lightpad.ai) - I was chuffed and relieved. The lad from oundle School has been trying to get hold of me via Messenger (he tells me by email) so he can interview for the article in the Chronicle. He has pencilled in Saturday at 6pm.Fuck knows if it will go ahead, the whole thing is sketchy. Day 202: First week back at work over and done. I ordered some stuff from Amazon (slippers and socks) and they offered a free trial of Prime, which is the norm, but, seeing as I have had a free trial under that a/c, I assumed it would error, as I have seen before. This time it didn’t! So, tonight, I just about to have some beers, eat pizza and watch The Gentlemen,. It was suggested by Miles on FB when I asked for  recommendations. It’s been on my to-watch list since its release. I need some cheering up, I’m having a low ebb today.Day 203: Typing on day 204. The Gentlemen was pretty good. I had lots of beers and smoke and went to bed fucking late, gone 4am. Up at lunchtime. I was meant to be going up Foggy’s for a few beers and to listen to Cobblers vs Posh but I sacked that off. I went for a walk at tea time when it got dark fucking quick and pissed down. I didn’t mind ‘cos Posh won 0-2. I watched two films in the evening: Master and Commander: Far Side of the World and Official Secrets. Both excellent. Day 204: Another late night, so up at just before 2pm. 12.64 km walk! I’m going to make stirfry and watch Knives Out...taking advantage of Amazon Prime.Day 205: I didn’t watch Knives Out last night, Amazon Prime was playing up. Tonight, however, after uninstalling and reinstalling the LG app, it’s working again. But, rather than a film, I have started watching The Boys series. 3/4 through the first episode and I’m kinda hooked. Another long walk tonight (I didn’t go out before work or at lunchtime), over 5 miles. My new boots are a marvel...they’re still new - I can tell I’ve got a little bit of wearing in still to do, but, pretty much from the off, I can walk long distances in them. I’m impressed. I think, because they are so light, they may be susceptible to the cold, especially now I can walk for longer periods without hypo-ing. The snow and frost will be the test.Day 206: Bit of a frustrating day at work. I am pleased I have a diary of events to update, that’s all I will say on this potentially public diary. Had a chat with Mark about certain aspects of the day, it was a good chat whereby he agreed with some of my gripes. In the evening I took part in a Ipsos marketing test of two beers with a whole bunch of people online. Ultimately, you have to choose one of two beers you prefer and answer questions why. It’s then revelaed which beer you chose. The beer I iked best was Stella but 4.6%, I think that’s the next product iine for them. You don’t get to find out the other beer. I shoudl recieve a £15 amazon voucher for partaking. If that actually happens, I’m going to buy a pair of gaiters. My new boots are fab (although I did turn my ankle last night) but their insides don’t half attract gravel and debris.Day 207: A productive day incorporating ToDoist with work and GCal, I have sacked off Lightpad.ai (it was too cumbersome moving tasks between dates) - so I managed to tick a few things off the task list as a result (responding to Jo Broom’s voicemail, chasing an eye appointmen, for example). Tim came round and did the garden, nice chinwag. I saw little Derek the other day, as well, he’s not coping great with the whole pandemic atm, certainly now lockdown has relaxed, he’s not as social as before. Day 208: Had a chat with Sueanne today, which is not unusal, and I was asking about creating KBs...she remarked how well, and quickly, I getting up to speed. It pleased me. I am having battered fishcakes, potato wedges and peas for tea. I am looking forward to it the most ridiculous amount (it’s cooking as I type). I shall eat as I watch more of the rather excellent The Boys. Seinfeld is on the back burner atm. Day 209: Emily Folgate’s room mate at uni has tested positive for Covid19! Marc’s avoiding the pub and I am glad I didn’t pop up there last Saturday! Bumped into Ash and Dee when i walked past the vets, chatted for 5 mins, it was really nice to see them. The lady next door (38) stopped me outside to say she recently realised that it was me who posts photos to FB, and said they’re ‘amazing’! End of week 2 back at work. As I type, I’m on my first beer, about to have many more and a smoke, half way through The Trial of the Chicago 7 on Netflix. Living the dream! Day 210: Things got messy last night. Sugar levels were a mess. I couldn’t even make it upstairs at one point, laid down on the long rug nursing a big bottle of coke. Got up at around 1pm and did usual shit, now having a beer, spicy sausage casserole in the oven (and it is fucking spicy) and I’ll pick a film to watch in a bit. Posh won, 2-0 at home to Oxford, up to 4th, one point behind Lincoln.

[sirfrogsworth]

Ever since I had the super bad reaction to an antidepressant med, aka the worst 4 days of my life, things have not gotten much better. It seems to have triggered an anxiety in me that I can’t get to go away for very long. I also seem to have all night panic attacks. Night after night I would have to lay in bed with my dad to sleep so I wouldn’t feel so alone. He would rub my back until I fell asleep for a while. 

Finally after being fed up with this happening night after night, I decided maybe I should check myself into the hospital to get checked out. I wanted to make sure there wasn’t anything physically wrong with me. So about 4am on Saturday morning another attack hit me and my parents and I headed to the emergency room. I would find out later that this was a mistake, as they don’t treat people with mostly mental conditions very well in ERs. 

We arrived and signed up. The waiting, even at 4am was about 2 hours. I finally got into a little room, where we waited another hour to see anyone. Finally a nurse came in and scribbled down my symptoms. A few minutes later a very rushed doctor came in and I asked him if he could maybe check me out physically to make sure nothing was wrong. My heart rate was very fast and that worried me. He said that he needed to get psychiatry down to look at me. I asked again if he could just clear me medically to make sure there wasn’t some other sinister force causing all of these symptoms. He dismissed me once again and said that he would get me some anti-anxiety medication. 

About a half hour later a nurse did come in to take some very basic blood tests, so I guess the doctor did listen to me somewhat, but no where to be seen was that anti-anxiety medicine he promised. Even as I was freaking the hell out. 

After the blood tests came back fine, they moved me in to a special holding area for psychiatric patients. The nurses there were very nice, but they weren’t much help, as I still couldn’t get that anti-anxiety med they promised me hours before. 

They told me that in about an hour, an “assessor” would come down to evaluate my case. This was an assistant to the psychiatrist that took notes on the condition on the patients in the special ward. She would then relay her notes to the doctor and depending on his judgment of her notes, he would decide if I would be admitted for treatment or not. After about another hour she comes to inform me that I was not worthy of admission. I should be sent home and follow up with my regular psychiatrist on Monday. I still was not given any medication to relieve my panic attack. And they were sending me home. 

It was about the most useless hospital visit I’ve ever had. I got there at 4am and left at 1pm the next day. And not a single med was given to me so I had to freak out the whole time I was there. 

So I took their instructions and called my regular psychiatrist on Monday. He felt that the strong anti-anxiety meds were not a good idea because they can be addictive. Instead he suggested a beta blocker that can sometimes help with anxiety. Once I read up on the pill I realized I was already on a very similar beta blocker that I use for my abnormally fast heart rate. 

So I am basically back to square one. I have pills I shouldn’t take that do help and other pills that I am already taking that don’t seem to do anything. And I guess I have to call the doctor back again to see if he has any other ideas of what I could more safely take to help alleviate some of my anxiety. 

I am so lost right now. I don’t know what to do. It seems like my doctors don’t know what to do. All I want to do is curl up and cry most of the time. And when a panic attack comes, I take the “bad” pills because fuck it... I need them to keep from going out of my mind. 

[bmyselfandi-blog]

mom

there was a time in my life where the hardest thing i was going through was a high school breakup. i thought the world was ending, that id never experience a worse heartbreak than that one. i got over it and went back to the guy a few times. it was on and off. that was the beginning of my junior year, around september. come april 21st i received the worst news i could have handled at the time. my mom was diagnosed with cancer. now she never really told us, well at least me, she never told me the stage of the cancer. but it was rectal. they tell you not to look up that kind of shit because it will scare you but me, i dont listen when told not to do something. now, i probably should have, it scared me what i found, but also gave me hope. it said curable. they said long life span. so, in my mind it was all going to be okay. my dad took it very hard. i poften found him crying alone, and i cried too. we all did. my mom was the type of person to help anyone in need, she was amazing, loving, wonderful, generous, warm, any fucking word to describe an angel, that was fucking her. still is. anyways fast forward about a year, end of my senior year. i start dating this new guy, hes amazing, he gave me the world. i couldnt have asked for a better man. stuck by my side through some fucked up shit that was my fault. we had our fights, like every couple. he did some things that i didnt like but i pushed past it because i loved him. thats what couples do right? well, not even a year later i spent less time with my family, more time with him and his. i regret that every day of my life. ill never forget the first day of my new job my dad made me cry because he told me my mom thought id rather spend time with my boyfriends mom than her. i balled my eyes out on my way to work. i never wanted to hurt my moms feelings like that. she couldnt do much, she was weak and it was getting harder for her to do everyday things. that was november. come march 25. it was a saturday. my mom was sitting in her spot on the couch and my dad was downstairs on the computer. i dont remember my sister being home. my mom asked me to look at her eyes and tell me what color the whites were, they were yellow. that meant jaundice. i told my dad, we told her she needed to go to the hospital. she said she didnt feel well and didnt want to go that day and if she wasnt feeling any better shed go the next day. i didnt think too much about it, this wouldnt be the first hospital trip that month or let alone that year. sunday; i went to my boyfriends to hangout and have dinner. after dinner my dad told and said they were going to the hospital. we then drove up to meet them. they took my mom in the back, i went back with her as did everyone else. the crazy thing is, is i dont remember all too much. i remember being back h=there, them asking her certain questions that made me sad, like if she was sad, depressed, thinking about dying. i brought her up some things when we went, i had this pair of ankle fuzzy sicks that i gave to her, she asked me to put them on her feet, i remember there being a hole in the big toe, she thought it was funny. it got later, they ended up admitting her but were trying to find a room. my dad had to work the next morning and i hadnt started my new job so i told him i would stay with her that night so she wasnt alone. they had a room in the pediatric ward so they sent us up. there were two cribs, a bed and a couple chairs in the room. i slept in the chair that turned into a bed. the nurses were very nice. we got some rest after being moved up there. it was very late, almost 4am. the next morning my uncle was up there and my dad came soon after as well. days went by, i started my new job, id go up as soon as i got off to go and see her. she got worse each day but we didnt think anything of it. turns out the tumor was actually starting to quickly crush her liver. she started not being able to talk well. they eventually put her on a heavy breathing treatment. she stopped talking and responding. my dad asked a timeline and the doctor said he didnt like to put timelines. i thought she would get better. they had my dad sign a DNR, we werent going to make her suffer if she didnt have to. it was selfish of us to want her to stay with how much pain i knew she was in. we had family up there always. april 4th. it was a wednesday. by now they had put my mom into hospice care, we had the option of bringing her home but we didnt want to make her uncomfortable by moving her. they gave us the whole room we were in. 315 bed B. we had people come and talk to us about urns and getting things like that. a hospice worker told us that their phone line was always available to talk on, whether it was a week later or a year later. i didnt have workbthat day. i went up to the hospital early. my moms cousin Colleen was there. my boyfriend came up as well. my dad my sister and her cousin kim came up as well. we hung out all day. i told colleen i probably wouldnt end up going to this festival i had in may because i wanted to be there everyday for my mom. colleen said that was almost 2 months away and that my mom may not be here by then. i didnt want to think about that. my mom would always be here right? that night me and my boyfriend ordered chinese. we were going to pick it up but they had delivery. we were also supposed to go to the store but we decided not to for some reason i dont remember. we ate our nasty chinese food. i got shrimp and lobster sauce, my moms favorite. we were all sitting aruond talking. my dad had ran home to let the dogs out since no one had been home in a while. anytime he would leave the room for anything longer than a half hour he would hug my mom and tell her to wait for him. he left. he got to the house. he let the dogs house. we were sitting there when my boyfriend looked over at my mom. her eyes were open. they hadnt been open in days. we instantly went over to her. her cousin got the nurse. me and my sister held her hand. i called my dad crying. all i could muster out was the word “hurry” and the pain in his voice when he said “okay” was enough to break anyones heart. the nurses knew. we all knew. i held my moms hand crying. my boyfriend rubbed my back. i told her i loved her. my sister told her she loved her. kim consoled her. we knew her fight was over. kim closed my moms eyes and like that she was gone. it was 10:15. we had to wait for a doctor to pronounce time of death. time of death was 10:25. my dad got there, tears in his eyes. we called family to tell them. his best friend was up in a heartbeat. his brother came up. i called my best friends. sarah and her boyfriend were up within minutes. my boyfriend held me. everyone cried. my dad hugged me and my sister so tight. the nurses were wonderful and sweet. it was probably 3 something in the morning when we left. i said my final goodbyes and told her i loved her. how could i just leave my mom in this room all alone? i couldnt handle it. i drove home with my boyfriend and let my dad drive alone. i dont know why i did that. i should have went with him. we got home and i couldnt tell you anything after that. i dont remember much about the days that followed. i know the next day we had to make phone calls to change things into our names and take my moms off. we received lots of “im so sorry for you loss”’s. it got sickening. we got flowers, cards, food. my boyfriends family was so helpful. i took that friday off of work and went back monday. got a lot of sorrys there too. her memorial was friday the 13th. i worked that morning. i shouldnt have but i had to go on like normal. how do you just go on like normal? how do you just up and live without your best friend, your fucking mother? she was supposed to be there through everything. she was supposed to live a long happy life with my dad. she was supposed to watch me get married and watch my have her grandchildren. she was supposed to be free of cancer and get better and live happy and healthy. she wasnt supposed to die. she should still fucking be here today. but shes not. months later, not even a year. my boyfriend and i broke up. just shy of a year since her passing, march 2nd. my friend and i had a run in with my ex. she flipped him off while we were driving. he followed us to the gas station and cussed us out. later that night he posted a story on his snapchat. black screen with the words “ your mother would be ashamed of you” written on it. directed towards me. how dare he say that shit. how could the same man that held me while i held my dying mothers hand say some dumb fucking shit like that to me? i dont quite get how he could ever in a million years say that shit. she was liuke amother to him. he was there through everything we dealt with, all the grieving, the sadness and depression in my house. but what bothers me is how a few months later we were getting back together. and how i could forgive him for saying that. i never did forgive him and i dont think i ever will. he said he posted it to hurt me because he was hurt. but how could he stoop that low. later on he brought her up again when he wanted me to stop smoking. “ how would mom feel” i tried kicking him out, ive never yelled at him before until that night, i got in his face and screamed not to talk about my dead mom. he didnt again. we stopped talking about a month later and havent talked since. he never understood what i was going through. what i am going through. i cry a lot. i miss my mom everyday. i think about her every hour of the day. my dad texts her almost every day. he posts on her facebook sometimes. i text her sometimes. i call too to see if someone new has her number. its still disconnected. i dont want someone new to have her number. thats her fucking number. no one elses. i still dont feel like this is all real and here its been a year and a half. christmas is coming up. her birthday is christmas eve. it was her favorite time of the year. we held the party at our house very year for anyone who wanted to come. it was always a full house. everyone loved my mom, she was an amazing person. a family friends words describing my mother to someone were “she had to adjust her halo when walking into a room” and thats always been true. even now, im sure she visits often. i wish so bad that she could be here, that she could see how everything is going. i miss her so fucking much and i just want my fucking mom back. i know everything in life would be okay if she was here. i know it would solve every problem me and my family have if she was just fucking here. she should be here. she should fucking be here right now.