#dacullum-writes

[doric-column]

Let’s talk about the moment Aziraphale *almost* denies the Metatron.

“Anything you need to take with you?”

“No. Nothing I can think of.”

His voice is uncertain. He gazes longingly through the window, where Crowley waits by the Bentley. Aziraphale hasn’t lost him yet. It isn’t too late to change his mind. We can see it play out across his face, and he wheels on the Metatron.

“I—I think I…”

What? Changed my mind? Made a mistake? Can’t do this? Can’t do it without Crowley? The micro expressions going on in this second look out the window are absolutely crushing. The hint of a smile is gone. His face is cast in shadow. He is resigned.

He’s decided. The possibility he could fix things in Heaven is too strong a draw to back out now. Crowley is still waiting out there. He’ll always be waiting. Maybe Aziraphale can make a better world for him.

“Nothing at all.”

This smile is *forced.* Aziraphale truly believes he can change the system. He needs Crowley. But the only thing he wants more than being with Crowley *right now* is the chance to be with him indefinitely in a world where they are free to love one another without fear.

The entire scene is shot in such a way that when Aziraphale is alone on screen, he occupies only half of the frame. He is only one part of a whole, and the loss of Crowley (for the time being) is palpable. Out in the street, the shot of Crowley is framed in a similar way, though reversed.

I still feel ways(TM) about Aziraphale’s decisions at the end of E6, but this little moment of “I—I think I…” is proof he considered backing out, and almost, *almost* went through with it. He could have rushed to Crowley, could have run away with him to the South Downs or to Alpha Centauri, but the system would stay broken, and any peace they would’ve had would only be borrowed. He wants to give Crowley the real thing—all of his love, all of the future, unfettered by the constant threat of a corrupt Heaven.

[doric-column]

If you need me I’ll just be over here learning at the master’s feet.

How long do you usually give a book before you decide you're not going to finish it?

Until I die.

[doric-column]

I still can’t believe I live in a post-S2 world, where I have 24/7 access to an honest-to-someone Aziracrow kiss but it hurts too much to watch.

He is so broken here. In a way he just *wasn’t* after the bandstand breakup. He even perks up when the bell above the door chimes again, thinking perhaps Crowley changed his mind…and even if he hadn’t, if Crowley came back at all at this point Aziraphale would have stayed with him. So much hope in that next look toward the door…

…but it’s only the Metatron. Crowley hasn’t crawled back to him. Crowley has held firm the line. Crowley has drawn his boundary lines. He’s had enough. He’s not coming back. The hope fades to disappointment and horror.

…Crowley is really gone. Maybe this time for good.

[doric-column]

Baby girl pulls off the color combo by sheer willpower.

[doric-column]

Met a hero in real life today. She is a lovely human and a beautiful writer.

Here’s to both: unwillingness to compromise on the authenticity of your craft, as well as the pursuit of social commentary in prose.

[doric-column]

And knowing what comes later at the ball, Aziraphale first initiating touch/physical intimacy with this chest touch and then with dancing and hand-holding…

…it further refutes the idea that the kiss was unwanted or unwelcome. Oh, Aziraphale wanted it. He’s wanted it at least all season. But he didn’t want it to be a kiss goodbye. Their last touch before Crowley walks away.

“I forgive you.”

There is something extraordinarily intimate about touching someone while not even looking at them. It says:

- I know exactly where you are in reference to me, I don’t even have to look when reaching for you.

- I’m so confident in our relationship I know exactly how you’ll react when I touch you, I don’t have to look and gauge your reaction at all.

- I can interact with you while giving only part of my attention to you, I trust you completely.

- If I’m giving a large portion of my attention elsewhere, I still need to somehow feel connected to you.

[doric-column]

My giant fiddle-leaf, Janthony (it’s not just a J) and his children of divorce. The little fiddle-leaf is Bentley; she lost a bunch of leaves after S2 and is still recovering. Muriel, the monstera, is oblivious as usual. Muriel knows something is up and they are trying their best to please their dad. I see your tender new growth, Janthony. Hang in there. The light is coming.

[doric-column]

Alternate ending.

[doric-column]

Listen.

I’m trying to move forward, okay?

Some days it’s easier to tackle a new creative project. Some days I can water my peace lilies without getting emotional.

But today I cracked open a new book that takes place in London, and I saw them everywhere: St. James’s, Soho, Chinatown.

How long am I legally required to be tormented as a child of the ineffable divorce?

[doric-column]

Janthony, nooo! You’re letting the sadness of S2 get to you. You have to try. You have to care. For me. You’re my friend. I love you.

[doric-column]

Chapter 19 of my fic, Strangers Again, is out today.

“I thought, at the time, that my,” Aziraphale seemed to choke briefly on the word, and he swallowed as though forcing down bile, “that the kiss—and whatever else it became—would be a means to an end. But it was…misguided. I see that now. If anything, it seemed to h-have the opposite effect…one of driving him away.” He hummed thoughtfully, shifting his feet. When he spoke next, his voice was melancholy. “I suppose, in the eyes of this committee, our acquaintance could be interpreted as a misappropriation of resources. But I had my orders.”

[doric-column]

40s Crowley's coat is too bulky. There, I said it.

[doric-column]

"Aziraphale’s heart was a cold weight in his chest, the corpse of a once-brilliant star that sucked all light, his center of gravity, the shared moments of companionship—into blackness. A bit of his soul, redacted and unspeakable."

Chapter 18 of my fic, Strangers Again, is out today.

[doric-column]

Bentley needed a change of scenery. In the South Downs, if you will. The fresh air and the view have done her a world of good.

Look at her precious little new leaf! She is trying so hard.

[band-geek-727]

“But the only thing he wants more than being with Crowley *right now* is the chance to be with him indefinitely in a world where they are free to love one another without fear.”

THIS

ALL OF THIS

Let’s talk about the moment Aziraphale *almost* denies the Metatron.

“Anything you need to take with you?”

“No. Nothing I can think of.”

His voice is uncertain. He gazes longingly through the window, where Crowley waits by the Bentley. Aziraphale hasn’t lost him yet. It isn’t too late to change his mind. We can see it play out across his face, and he wheels on the Metatron.

“I—I think I…”

What? Changed my mind? Made a mistake? Can’t do this? Can’t do it without Crowley? The micro expressions going on in this second look out the window are absolutely crushing. The hint of a smile is gone. His face is cast in shadow. He is resigned.

He’s decided. The possibility he could fix things in Heaven is too strong a draw to back out now. Crowley is still waiting out there. He’ll always be waiting. Maybe Aziraphale can make a better world for him.

“Nothing at all.”

This smile is *forced.* Aziraphale truly believes he can change the system. He needs Crowley. But the only thing he wants more than being with Crowley *right now* is the chance to be with him indefinitely in a world where they are free to love one another without fear.

The entire scene is shot in such a way that when Aziraphale is alone on screen, he occupies only half of the frame. He is only one part of a whole, and the loss of Crowley (for the time being) is palpable. Out in the street, the shot of Crowley is framed in a similar way, though reversed.

I still feel ways(TM) about Aziraphale’s decisions at the end of E6, but this little moment of “I—I think I…” is proof he considered backing out, and almost, *almost* went through with it. He could have rushed to Crowley, could have run away with him to the South Downs or to Alpha Centauri, but the system would stay broken, and any peace they would’ve had would only be borrowed. He wants to give Crowley the real thing—all of his love, all of the future, unfettered by the constant threat of a corrupt Heaven.