#dacre mongomery imagine

[gutterdreams]

Ten Feet Over PT 2 [Billy Hargrove]

Part One Masterlist

Disclaimer: I don’t own the GIF or Stranger Things. Word Count: 4.2 k Warnings: Swearing.

* There will be a part 3 and I’m very excited to write it. Thanks for reading!

Monday couldn’t have come quick enough for Billy. He felt parched having resisted contact with you for the rest of the weekend. Multiple times he felt inclined to call toy, but distracted himself with working out, helping his dad clean out the crawl space, and even finishing a homework assignment that he hadn’t had any intention of starting. When Susan suggested he invite you over for dinner, he lied and said you were busy. Billy laid awake in bed, headphones on and hands folded behind his head, just looking for your face in the ceiling. It crossed his mind to get up, get dressed, and drive to your house. Twice, he shot up and threw the covers off his body, but he always laid back down in defeat. It wasn’t as if you were making the effort to speak to him right now.

Billy couldn’t shake the recollection of how broken you appeared, a discarded kitten shivering and crying in the chair that he shoved you into. He would close his eyes and see it, haunting him and reminding him of what monstrous weight lived inside him. He couldn’t help, but be scared that you weren’t going to forgive him, that he had pushed you away completely. He prayed that come Monday, he could talk his way out of trouble. Before his eyes finally gave up and shut, he decided he would find you before the first bell rang and plead his case. Unfortunately, he woke up late since it took him ages to actually fall asleep. Max was banging on his door and irking him back to reality when he rolled out of bed. After dropping the little ginger haired girl off at the junior high, Billy just barely pulled into his school parking lot in time. The first bell had already ring and he hadn’t even jogged inside yet. He had wanted to stop by the grocery store and buy you flowers, but now he would have to make do with just his bare hands and whatever fancy talk his brain could muster. At least, he had the first period to try and come up with something. Billy used the five minutes in-between classes to search for you in the hallway. He swore everyone was taller suddenly and moving slower than usual. Billy shoved people out of the way, weaving through shoulders, but he didn’t so much as catch a glance at the back of your head. He made it to his next class and sighed with frustration. School was really getting in the way of his plans today. He walked between the row of classes to get to the window seat he always claimed for himself in English. He stopped at Nancy Wheeler’s desk this time and leaned back to address her. She saw him, smelled his cologne first, but kept looking down at the assigned paperback.  Whenever she had to, Nancy ignored Billy’s existence. “Hey, is [Y/N] here today?” He asked, wiping the corners of his mouth with a wrist as if his question was casual. There was a chance that, maybe, you were sick or something. It didn’t even occur to Billy that you might have stayed home to avoid having to breathe the same air as him.   Nancy kept her eyes on the page she was open on, reading the same sentence for the third time since he started talking to her. “I haven’t seen her…” Billy kept going. When she sighed and flattened the book out, annoyed, he wondered if she knew about what had unfortunately happened between the two of you on Saturday, how he had lost his temper. Billy figured Nancy didn’t know because he knew if she did that she would be screaming at him like a rabid banshee. “Yes.” Nancy finally answered him, using her most unpleasant voice to show off how much she disliked him. “She was in calculus this morning.”   Nodding, Billy thanked her with a tap on her desk with three of his callused fingers and then stuffed himself behind the desk that was stained with his mindless pen doodles. He didn’t pay attention throughout English class. They spent the first fifteen minutes talking about the different themes of East of Eden, but he just sat with his thumb in the middle of Chapter 3 while looking sorrowfully out the window. They were supposed to do solo reading for the rest of class, making notes for their papers as they pleased, but Billy just stared at the stale pages, not taking in a single word. He looked for the letters of your name in every paragraph and then checked the clock. The day was moving at a snail’s pace. When lunch came, he checked his parking spot. He was convinced that you would be waiting by his car as sometimes, though rarely, you beat him out of class and met him by the hood of the Camaro. His heart fell softly into his chest when you weren’t there looking for him. Billy cursed under his breath and ignored Chuck and Tommy waiting near his car, waving at him to join them. Determined to sort things out so he could feel better, Billy headed to the cafeteria. If you were in your morning class, you were around. From the open door, he looked around the crowded room and found you within thirty seconds. You didn’t shine like you usually did. You are sitting deflated between Nancy and Danica, across from your best friend since Mommy & Me swim class, Trish. The only person missing was Barb, but you tried not to dwell on her absence. Billy watched you stir your yogurt around mindlessly, paying more attention to the mild blueberry swirl in it than anything anyone was saying. He could tell you were feeling off and he hoped that he wasn’t responsible for that. It took him a second to work up the courage to approach your table. There was nothing more frightening than a group of emotional teenage girls in Billy’s experience. They made a very powerful army. He took a deep breath and laid a flat hand on his abs then walked over, knocking into people as he did. Billy stood at the end your table like an outcast and earned a glance from Nancy that made it plain he was not welcome followed by a friendly wave from Trish. You didn’t so much as acknowledge his arrival. Instead you pretended your yogurt cup was interesting, so he cleared his throat for your attention. It was easy to keep yourself from looking at him. He had scared you more than any horror film or front page news story ever had, but there were sounds he made when he walked, small gestures his hands always performed, and his musk that you had been addicted to. It made it impossible to not know he was there. He cleared his throat again, but this time Nancy dug her eyes into him like untrimmed cat claws and Trish just looked between the two of you, plainly muddled. Billy leaned in, both hands on the table and try, “Hey, can we talk?” It was simple and probably a worn out line, but it was all he could work up the courage to ask. It was frustrating when you didn’t respond and continued to ignore him, but he understood why. He wasn’t so unreasonable. Billy sighed and tried again, “We really need to talk.” You could feel your best friend’s eyes dilating toward the crown of your head that you were keeping bowed. You hadn’t shared with anyone what transpired on Saturday night. For a reason you didn’t fully comprehend, you felt embarrassed. Billy felt like he had given you more than enough time. You two spent all of Sunday apart and every second until right now. Personally, he could not wait any longer. He tried to be quiet, let you have a moment, but his eyes studied you nervously to try and read your next move. He noticed instantly that your neckline was bare. You were wearing a red blouse with black squares uneven all over it, tied up just underneath your navel. It was buttoned up just past your cleavage and Billy stared at the space where the necklace he had given you was usually sitting. You had loved it and lit up like Christmas lights when he gave it to you in your backyard, the two of you cuddled up in your autumn attire on the bottom porch step. It had never come off your body since he clipped it together there that day. You wore it in the shower, during sex, and everything in between. Billy’s heart began to twitch off beat when he saw it wasn’t on your person anymore. Since you weren’t speaking to him or even giving him a single glance, Billy stalked around the table and sat across from you, right beside Trish, earning himself an eye roll from Nancy that could have reached Neptune. “[Y/N]?” Like a good friend, Trish worried as her eyes paced between you and the guy she had only befriended because you asked her to. She was weary of Billy, but lightened up when it became evident that he was very serious about you. She was frightened in the beginning that he was just looking for prey. You looked up at her meekly, but Billy memorized your expression. You seemed annoyed, but mostly unsteady. Usually, he was the one you looked to when you felt that way. He hated how the tables had turned. This wasn’t how he meant for things to go. “Where’s your necklace?” Very concerned, he asked.  Billy folded his arms over the table’s surface and leaned in, prompting you to pull yourself back and let out a nervous exhale. All your friends watched as you stood up from the table, gathering your backpack from the floor beneath the bench and your half drank lemonade bottle from the table. “I’ll see you guys. I’m going to go…work on…” You had no plans. You were leaving just to get away from Billy. “something. Chemistry or something.” It was a lie. You were currently in Biology and they all knew it. You had barely walked six steps away from the table, but Billy was up from the bench and chasing after you. He almost walked over top of Jared Peabody to get to you as you were walking out of the cafeteria double doors and into the bright white hallway. “Hey.” He walked behind you, almost on top of your heels as you kept heading straight. Eyes clenched, you pretended you couldn’t feel his pace right up against your back. “[Y/N/N] - “ He reached out and two of his dry fingers brushed against your elbow. With a hitched breath, you jerked your arm forward and cower. The lemonade bottle dropped the floor, but you didn’t bother to pick it up.

Billy stopped only at the sight of you flinching and had to catch his own breath, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” It was loaded to him and squeezed on his heart to say, but to your ears, it felt empty. He bent at the knees and picked  up your drink. “You should come over tonight.” Carefully moving around you, checking on your expression from the side, Billy suggested as if things were normal between you both. “I have to watch Max ‘til Susan’s home around six, but we can just hang out in my room.” Honestly, it sounded like a dream to him. Billy swore if he could just have a few minutes with you in both his arms, curled up on his single bed, that he could make everything all better.

Hugging your elbows, moving your hands up and down your arms in an effort to give yourself comfort, Billy leaned against the brick wall in front of you and waited for you to speak. You were looking under his elbows, beyond the water fountain, but concentrating on nothing. As you mindlessly moved the short sleeves of your blouse up and then down, he saw the vivid slate blue spots. They were left behind from his thumbs and middle fingers like a violent dot to dot activity on your skin. Billy felt his own ribs ache as if someone was jabbing into them with their phalanges. He squinted away, unable to look at what represented what a demon he feared he was becoming. Both hands tightened around the lemonade bottle, desperate to be busy. He glanced down at them and felt disgusted. He wished he could just cut them off. They were weapons, they had hurt you, and he hated them for it. He hated himself for it. Weakly, he managed to speak through the silence that was killing him from the inside out, “Do you want to come over tonight?” In response, you shook your head like a little kid who was on a timeout. Your shoulders and neck were tight together as you held in the tears that were stuck behind your nose, making you feel congested. “I don’t want to be alone with you.” As if it was a secret meant for only your ears, you barely whispered. It stung Billy as if you slashed him in the middle of his stomach. He felt his center give out slightly and his shoulders drop. “We could go somewhere else then…” The fact that he felt like he needed to give you an alternative now burned internally. You were supposed to want to be alone in his bedroom with him. You two were a couple. Still, Billy was relentless on a quest to get his own way, “I don’t know, the park. Max can skate around, we can hang out.” There was always other people at the park. It used to annoy him because he would bring beer and hoped to get drunk and make out with you on the tire swing, "I know I overreacted..." He offered out one bare hand, a gesture he felt he could safely test the mood with. “Don’t touch me.” Still refusing to look up at him, you instructed coldly. “Come on…” This felt unfair to him. He moved closer, but it just prompted you to jolt back. “[Y/N], you’re my girlfriend. I love you.” He had to pant between sentiments. Right now, they felt a lot heavier than words coming from his throat. It was a desperate plea. “I’m not your girlfriend!” It was a visceral truth shooting out from your diaphragm. The halls were practically bare, but anyone in a room down the way could have heard. Finally, yours and Billy’s eyes met each others, but he looked gutted while you finally were able to breathe for the first time since he approached you in the cafeteria. “Yes, you are.” In total disbelief, he said back as if he was the one who got to decide. “No, I’m not! I am done with this…I am done feeling like an idiot! I am over… I am over being with you, Billy!” The feelings that had been arguing with your heart that still longed for Billy’s attention were finally pouring out, splashing him like boiling water fresh from a screaming kettle. Even if you hadn’t looked as crushed as you did, Billy could feel the tender pain radiating from your face. “I promise….” He went in for your wrists, but you ripped them away as soon as his fingertips were against them, surprising him instantly. “I promise to work on it.” Billy really wished he had made time to stop for flowers this morning. Truthfully, he was sure that they would help his case here and earn him forgiveness from you quicker. “Your promises don’t mean anything!” Your scream hit a note you didn’t know if you had reached before, scratching your throat as it did.

“That’s it?” Like a wet towel being wrung out in the sink, Billy’s face came together and questioned you with disbelief written all over his frustrated face. How was this happening? You two were perfect together. “There’s no more you and I because of an accident?” 

The question prompted you to stop, your heart still thumping through your chest, but your breath lightening up. Were you overreacting? It had been a thought that tangled itself around your brain, but the bruises on your skin always answered it with a firm ‘no’. The agonizing hurt of your words was evident, practically glossy, on Billy’s face and you weren’t sure what to do. He might have hurt you, but you didn’t want to retaliate. Everything felt so confusing.

“Babe, come over and - “ He checked with the toes of his boots and started up again.

“I don’t love you anymore.” The words hitched in your voice, but you managed to say it right to him. Instead of looking him in the eyes, your pupils connected to his shoulder that was leaning in and you watched  it slouched down. 

Right in the heart, your verbal bullet had pierced him and Billy felt like he had just had the wind knocked out of him. It reminded him of when he was a kid and his dad accidentally pushed him so hard on the swing set at the park near their house that he had flown off and landed in the rocks flat on his ass. He was too stunned to wail or make any expression beyond dumbfounded. “I don’t love you anymore.” Like a ballad that he would hate, you said softer this time. Hearing it again, Billy knew he wasn’t dreaming. His body ached at your confession as if it was being burned from the inside out, embers sizzling at a record pace internally. His lungs flared and he wanted to add more ash to the merciless fire. He needed an entire carton of smokes. “You’re just upset. You’ll get over it.” He sounded as if he was assuring you, but mostly Billy was trying to convince himself of what he was saying. He spun around in one swift motion and started to head down the hall, seeking a safe place to rage. “You just need to cool down…” While he might have felt a world of anger, Billy was still of sound enough mind to know that freaking out wouldn’t bring you back to him right now. He needed to fix his impulsive reactions. 

Once he had turned the corner and out of your line of sight, he whipped the plastic lemonade bottle down the hall. Billy threw his hand into an open locker door and slammed it. Then he gripped it and just kept slamming it over, and over, and over again until his fingers felt numb from clutching the metal so intensely. You heard every time the locker closed again. Everyone coming out of the cafeteria or walking around the school could. In every sense of the expression, you were between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, it was natural for you to want to go to Billy when he was in pain and in need of comfort, but on the other hand, there was a brand new crack in the foundation and you weren’t sure how to walk along with him over it now. Everything felt uncertain and uneasy. Flinching as you stood alone in the hallway, listening to his tantrum, you felt a small hand on your shoulder and jumped. It was just Nancy, Trish glowing behind her like the curvy Stevie Nicks inspired goddess she was. “Gossip in the girl’s room?” Trish offered, just as you would if she was the one looking like they had just watched Endless Love alone, in the dark, on your period. For the first time you felt confident in yourself and nodded ‘yes’. Nancy took the lead, walking straight to the nearest girl’s room while Trish threw an arm over your shoulder and pulled you into her pillowy breasts. They were ways strangely a wonderful source of comfort. “He’s such an animal.” Nancy expressed through a grimace as she pushed the door open. Billy had only just stopped using the locker like a cymbal. “Sorry, I know he’s your boyfriend, but -” As you walked through the door she was holding open, Nancy tried to explain herself. “We aren’t together right now.” Sounding guilty, you admitted with your chin dipped into your neck. Well, you didn’t think you two were. You had just told him you didn’t love him anymore. “Okay, what’s going on?” Trish wasted no time. The bathroom door swung shut and she stood in front of you right beside the sink with her arms crossed your under her boobs. She wanted the dish. “Why was Billy so desperate to talk to you?” She felt like that was the best place to start. “Or why was he trying to rip a locker door off?” Nancy usually didn’t waste her time questioning why Billy did any of the bizarre things he did, but for the sake of getting the scoop, she would play along. “On Saturday…” Scratching at your hairline, you began. “We just…we got into a big fight. I was mad at him about helping Stephanie…” “Hoe.” Like the ultimate hype girl she was, Trish didn’t miss a beat. “It just escalated.” You didn’t want to come out and say it. There was still a hole in your brain, the part of how it all happened felt fuzzy. Not to mention, you felt confused and ashamed. It wasn’t the kind of thing you shared casually. Besides, you didn’t know if, maybe, you were overreacting. Truthfully, you didn’t know how you felt at all. You were going back and forth constantly between livid, crushed, sympathetic, forgiving, confused, and all the way back to embarrassed. “Elaborate.” Nancy’s mind went to the worst place possible as she leaned back against the cold wall, the garbage beside her full of barely used brown paper towel. “What do you mean it escalated?” With Billy, that was never something minor. She had seen him go from sitting with his hands flat on his lap to pummeling a guy just for breathing too loudly. Trying your best to keep cool, you examined both your friend’s faces. Trish seemed light. To her, there was no real reason to freak out yet. Nancy, on the other hand, was already pissed off.  She sensed your fear and that was enough for her to react. “He just…I don’t know if I can get over it or not…I’m not sure.” The fight with Billy was all you had been thinking about since he left Saturday night, but yet, you had no firm answers at all. Everything was still on the fence. Were you just upset? Were you over it? Did you really not love him anymore? “Did he fuck her?” Trish bluntly asked, leaning in and ready to turn the school upside down for you. “I can kill them at the same time. I’ll find a way.” “No. No.” Shaking your head, you refuted. “Well, I don’t think so.” “So, what did the big ape do?” Nancy rolled her eyes, frustrated that you hadn’t come out and said it yet. “Stop protecting him and tell us.” “He just really freaked out. Totally unleashed. I’ve never been in his line of fire before.” Now you were worried that the flames from him were all you could see. He was proceeded by smoke. It was so hard to look beyond. Nancy wasn’t surprised, but she was still heartbroken to hear that what she assumed would happen had. “Tell me, he didn’t hit you.” She knew that he was the Prince of the Suckerpunch. She imagined that it would be all over your face in various textures and colors if he had, but then again, Billy could be sneaky. Nancy’s heart raced as she pushed off the bathroom wall and approached you. “No. He didn’t.” You swore to them both with honest eyes. Of course, you had been terrified that he was going to. Now, you just worried what they would say or think if you shared how he held you down in the chair as if he wanted to break your bones through it. “It just sort of felt like he might.” Instantly, you shut your lips and looked away from your reflection in the dirty mirror above the sink. You said too much. They would never forgive Billy now even if it was the truth. “Well, obviously, you’re never talking to him again.” Nodding, Trish assumed out loud and made it law between your clique. “Yeah. If he has stuff of yours or you have things of his, leave that to us. I’m not scared of that man-child.” Nancy reached forward and squeezed your forearm in an attempt to be comforting. In fact, she had half a mind to go over to Billy’s place without your permission and give him a large piece of her mind.  “I’m fine. It’s fine. I just…I don’t know.” You wished the right thing to do was clearer. Then again, nothing with Billy was.   “No. You do know.” Nancy couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “If you stay with him, that’s it. I’ll never talk to you again.” She was coming on strong, but she was also being honest. Nancy couldn’t support this anymore, not when her good friend looked so terrified all day. “I lost Barb and I’m not losing you because Billy has a bad temper. No way.” She held your stare as Trish nodded along to every word. “Fuck Billy Hargrove!” She shouted and accidentally made you chuckle with a tear falling from one eye. “Say it.” Softly, like the way you were told nice girls behaved, you shook your head 'no’ and wiped your face on the shoulder or your blouse. “Fuck Billy Hargrove!” Trish screamed for you and then moved to the bathroom door, ripping it open and yelling the sentiment again, “Hey Hawkins! Fuck Billy Hargrove.” She declared into the hall. You laughed again and Nancy pulled you in close to her side and led you out of the girl’s room, the two girls shouting the same three words into the air until you joined in as you moved back to the cafeteria. It was like sunlight finding a tear in the storm clouds to peek through. While gently, you were still laughing and that was all thanks to your friends. You had a hunch the sinking feeling that your deteriorating relationship gave you would only feel worse without them. 

TO BE CONTINUED

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[gutterdreams]

Honestly [Billy Hargrove]

4.7k word count. 

Warnings: swearing, lite smut/mentions of smut. 

Disclaimer: I do not own the gif. 

Please let me know what you think. I’m excited to write part 2.

To say your relationship with Billy caused a rift in your friendships would be an overstatement, but a ripple was certainly surging through your platonic relationships because of the California boy. Even when they had tried, they failed to see anything redeeming about him. Between his mullet, inability to button up his shirts, and foul mouth, none of your friends saw anything even remotely decent about Billy Hargrove. Sometimes, you couldn't even defend the issues they took up with him, but he was good to you and, as you liked to tell yourself, that was all that mattered to you.

“I will be there tomorrow, it just won't be until after I'm off work.” Closing your locker right beside Nancy, one of your dearest friends since preschool, you mentioned. She was having a small get together since her parents were out of town due to her dad's business trip and her mom's desperate desire to muddle up some romance between them again.

“Great, great.” Nancy nodded as her voice went up an octave. She exchanged concerned looks with your other friend, Denise, and then sighed. She would regret it if she kept it to herself, “Would it be cool if you didn't, maybe, bring Billy?”

While it was no secret that your friends didn't like your boyfriend, you still looked at them with a widespread stare of disappointment.

“How are you guys ever going to come around to him if you don't hang out with him?” The question felt reasonable to you.

“We're not going to come around to him.” Denise clarified bluntly. Nancy might have been beating around the bush, but as she adjusted her fitted floral blouse that was tucked into her high-waisted pair of Jordache jeans. “Your boyfriend is a psycho. I'm not going to try to understand what you see in him besides his amazing ass.” She could give credit where it was due. They were all just waiting for you to see the light and walk away from him even if they were also scared of what he would do when that day came.

“It's really challenging to be nice to him.” Nancy tried to explain as she turned to lead the three of you down the hall. Even if your schedules rarely collided this semester, you three spent as much time as you could in between classes. She hugged her textbook to her flat chest and cocked her head to the side. It was tiring to always have to talk to you about Billy when she disliked him so contently. She was over trying to convince you that he was no good. It often felt like you weren't talking about the same person. “Especially with how he treats you.”

“That's the thing,” Stopping in front of the door to your chemistry class, you faced them both with a wrinkled forehead. “He's good to me. I know he's flawed and has done really shitty things, but as far as being my boyfriend goes, he's good to me.” It was a line they had heard from you more times than they could count.

Nancy and Denise checked in with one another again, almost decompressing in sync as they returned their eye contact to you.

“He cheats on you, [Y/N].” Denise mentioned. Sometimes, it was so obvious to them that they just assumed you knew and made yourself okay with it. Judging by how narrow your expression went, they realized that you weren't actually clued in. This was the first time you were hearing about it. “After he takes you home,” Your curfew was a nonnegotiable 12:30 AM. “He meets up with someone else.”

“Last week it was Heather O'Malley.” Since you didn't look like you believed Denise, Nancy jumped in and added faces to the story. “And that party at Jared's, he came back and was all over Ashley P.” She nodded along with Denise. “So, if you want to be with him, that's your business, but we can't support it.” She sounded firm and it was the first time that you saw a real resemblance between her and her mother.

On one hand, Denise and Nancy were your closest friends. You couldn't imagine them lying to you or being hurtful on purpose, not after losing Barb. The bond between the three of you had stitched itself even tighter when you lost the other girl in your group. However, you knew how Billy felt at the idea of you being close with someone else. You two talked about trust due to his impulse to crush the skull of any guy who even mumbled your name. You really did give him the benefit of the doubt. If you cheating on him made him feel as horrible as he said it would, you imagined it went both ways. As if on cue, the school bell rang and you could tell Nancy was itching to leave the awkward conversation and head to class.

“I will talk to Billy.” Itching at the hair falling into your face, you told them exasperatedly as you moved to let others past you to get into class. “See you guys later.” Biting down on your lip, you watched them leave with pouts that pitied you and went to find your spot. Of course, your brain couldn't shake what they had said. You found yourself looking for traces of your boyfriend all over the other girls in your class, almost smelling Melissa Godlewinski next to you to see if she carried the aroma of his cologne.

Lunch break required you to assemble yourself like a divorced parent. Some afternoons, you met up with your friends in the cafeteria and hung out or worked on homework and then the others, you stood around Billy's car with his friends or just drove around for the hour with his hand fiddling up whatever skirt you had on. He was leaning against the locker next to yours when you came out of chemistry, waiting for you with an unlit cigarette between his fingers and the sole of one of his shoes against the metal locker.

“Hey, Gorgeous.” He groaned at you through his smirk as you leaned into him, his magnetic pull stronger than your own free will. Instantly, you smiled at his knuckles against your hip and kissed his mouth that perpetually tasted like cigarette ash. It was a flavor you had learned to like. “You ready to go?” He was calling dibs on you this lunch hour.

“Yeah, but can we just hang out you and me?” You asked once your faces were more than a centimeter apart. He flung some of his hair out of his face and looked you up and down, devouring your frame under your chunky red cardigan.  

“Oh yeah?” Both brows wiggling under his curly fringe, he turned his head against the locker and watched you closely as you unlocked your own to put your books away. He was blissfully ignored the freshman who was assigned to the locker beside you, the one he was using as a post to lean on. “You miss me, huh?” He drew his finger, the one against his cigarette, over your ear to tuck hair behind it since your black headband was doing a lousy job at that. It wouldn't have mattered anyway, Billy always wanted to be touching you whether it was both hands leaving fingerprints on the cheeks of your bare bum or just grazing his fingers through your hair. He figured you wanted to hookup and afternoon delight was always worth ditching his friends for.

“Yeah.” Chuckling at his comment, you nodded and shut your locker. His arm was swung over your shoulders almost as soon as your locker was closed. He pushed off the wall and headed slowly down the hallway with you. “I also got to talk to you about something.”

“Is this about that party at Nancy Wheeler's house tomorrow? Because I'm really okay if we skip it.” Just as your friends were uninterested in Billy, he wanted nothing to do with them. Their acceptance meant nothing to him.

“No, it's not that.” You shook your head and wandered through the glass door he held open, releasing you both to a cool November afternoon. “Um...” Billy was already at the bottom of the three cement steps and on the ground while you nervous waited up top. He turned around and impatiently waited for you to join him, his eyebrows connecting above his nose as he observed you and how anxious you appeared. It was a look he only ever saw you wear when you were standing uncomfortably between him and the prudes that were your friends.

“Nancy and Denise and I were talking...” You started through the knot tying itself over and over at the pit of your stomach. As soon as you said the name of your two best friends, Billy's blue eyes rolled to the side and his head dropped back with irritation. “They said they've seen you with other girls before...”

“What do you mean?” His tongue poked into his cheek and he spoke nonchalantly behind his pearly whites, waiting for you to carry on. He wanted you to come right out and say it, accuse him of being the piece of shit everyone knew him to be. “We go to school with other girls. I'm around other female humans...”

“No, like, with them.” Sucking in your stomach, you continued. “And they just - “

“What?” Billy cut you off and stepped back up one stair, his eyes stabbing into yours as he closed more of the space between both of you. “They just what? They just don't want us to be together so they're making up stories? Those bitches would love it if I was cheating on you. They don't like me.” He started to growl, his eyes looking overhead to see if he could spot either of your friends through the windows in the door. He knew where they spent their lunch and had half a mind to go spoil it. “I thought you trusted me, [Y/N].” He pointed his index finger into your chest and pursed his lips together in a protruding frown. “You believe them, don't you?”

“I don't know.” It was the wrong answer and you knew it before you looked up from the toes of your burgundy Keds. Billy let out a burning exhale through his nostrils and it sent your head shaking. “No, I don't. I trust you, I just – it's hard when neither of you guys like each other. I'm in the middle.” Putting up both your palms as if you were caught in a crime by police, you saw the fire threatening to explode in his expanded pupils and tried to calm him down. “I'm sorry.” That was more likely what he wanted to hear. “I shouldn't have even asked. I trust you.” You did even if your friends didn't.

Reluctantly, after a few beats, Billy uncurled his fists at his sides and exhaled deeply from his mouth. He offered you an open hand and linked his fingers between yours before leading you both down the steps. He only unlocked your hands to throw his arm over you again, looking around the parking lot for your friends as he headed to his car. He needed to drive right now. He needed an outlet for his anger. He needed your thigh under his hand as he sped carelessly down an open road. Billy opened up the door to the passenger side of his car and pulled you back just as you were about to enter.

“Don't let them come between us.” He advised in a low tone, hovering his face over you and then kissing you fervently, one hand grabbing your hip and the other behind your neck. “They're just fucking jealous.” He summed up as his lips left yours. Billy stepped back and watched over the hood of his car, looking for the likes of anyone you were close to, and then shut your door behind you. He walked around his beloved Camaro and got in, content to spend his lunch on the go and taking you away from the school he so ardently despised.

* * * *  *  *  * *  

Somehow, Billy felt as if he had won. It was Thursday night and you were in his bedroom, not at your part time job at the nearest Dairy Queen and not listening to pop music in Nancy Wheeler's room. He was smoking like a chimney, letting out long exhales of pungent smoke, while laying with his shirt open on top of his unmade bed. Loudly, Slayer was playing as you sat crossed legged by his feet, using your shut textbook as a makeshift desk as you filled out an application for California State University, this time the Long Beach campus.

He rolled his head to the side of his pillow and watched you, eyes fluttering with adoration as you kept focused on writing your answers with clean penmanship. While it wasn't always easy to work while Billy's loud music bounced off the walls, you had learned how to mostly drown it out. Under his sock, Billy wiggled his big toe against your knee and earned your attention. Looking up slightly, you smiled at his feet and then at him, noting the big grin he had on.

“Seven months and we could be in Long Beach.” From the second you pulled the brochure out of your bag, Billy had begun building a life for you in the California city just like he had on Monday when you were filling out an application for the Bakersfield campus. Each time, he couldn't contain his excitement. It drove him to finish high school in Hawkins, to keep going when his house felt more like a war zone. You two were going to graduate high school and he was going to whisk you away, take you to California, where you could start the life he wanted. 

He thought he had it all figured out. He would work construction while you went to school studying whatever major you finally decided on. You two would rent a bachelor apartment that was just enough room for the two of you until you could afford larger. He figured you could easily find a random waitress job or part time gig at Gap to help pay rent. Billy was even finding himself imagining you with a ring on your finger and a little mullet donning baby bouncing on his knee. Marriage and kids hadn't been in his daydreams before, but when he thought about the two of you ditching Indiana for California, his mind expanded into colorful places it hadn't considered before. 

“You're going to love it out there.” He promised. You two had chatted once before about moving elsewhere, but Billy had his heart set on going back to California and you didn't mind. The college selection out there was large and well-regarded. It wasn't as if you knew what you wanted to study yet anyway. You just knew you didn't want to be serving blizzards out of a drive-thru window much longer.

“I know. You tell me that all the time.” Chuckling, amused, you reminded him as you put down your pen on top of the application – giving the ballpoint and your fingers a short break.

Billy pat the open space under his other arm that was folded behind his hair. You rested the textbook, application, and pen on the floor and laid down beside him with ease. You wished that Denise and Nancy could see Billy like this: relaxed and in his element. This was where you felt closest to him and this is why you could forgive his temper, bad judgement, and lack of manners. Feet crossed together at the edge of his bed and his arm around you while you stared at the ceiling with each other, Billy felt like someone you could be with forever. Of course, you knew your friends would never see him like this. He felt so tense and defensive around them that he would have to be sedated in order to actually relax. Billy's heartbeat never went to a normal rate when he has standing around with your group. It took all of his energy to not start a fight every time.

In an effort to be closer to you, Billy put out his cigarette in the plastic ashtray on the night stand beside him. He turned onto his side and grinned like the Chesire Cat at you before beginning to kiss your neck, right where your clavicle and shoulder met. He tugged at the wide neck of your shirt to make room for his mouth. Both his hands wandered around the perimeter of your body as he nuzzled into you, moaning. Your eyes fluttered open and closed as you squirmed on top of his bed.

“Your stepmom is home.” You reminded him with a small laugh. “And Max.”

“I don't care.” Billy groaned into your neck as his hands slid under your shirt, tugging on it slightly as a clear indicator that he didn't want it on your body anymore. His erection was growing under his jeans and he happily pushed it against your groin. It was a wonder how it didn't split through the front of his denim that he only wore skintight. As you pulled your top overhead, Billy broke away from your body to fiddle with his belt in order to remove his pants. He was watching you as you laid back down, a bra and jeans the only thing left in his way of the body he proudly called his own. Your eyes slid away as you removed your headband to toss it to the ground. It went without saying that when you and Billy fucked he would grip at your hair. Your eyes caught the sight of his open cigarette carton on his nightstand next to the ash tray. A phone number in black cursive was written across it in a style much neater and daintier than Billy's. Underneath it, the name Brenda was written in the same font. Right before you could ask who Brenda was, his mouth was on yours again and he put your right hand on the elastic waist of his boxer briefs, urging you to touch him as he clumsily kissed at your mouth, parting it  with his eager tongue.

Billy slid one hand behind you, wasting no time to play with the clasps of your bra. As much as he liked that you were wearing one with no padding, just white lace, he much preferred the feeling of your bare breasts in his hands. The goosebumps that arose around your nipples when he touched them always turned him on more than he generally was. You arched your back slightly to give him more access and when his hand slid out, you noticed the pack of birth control that slid from under the pillow with it and not the championship smile he was donning over you.

“Whose are those?” Instantly, you sat up and put your arm out to keep space between both you and Billy. You fumbled with raising the straps of your bra over your shoulders as they had fallen as soon as he had it undone.

“They're yours.” He shrugged and lifted his nose upward.

“I take mine in the morning. I've never brought it here.” That was a fact. “And that's a 28 pack and it's Alesse.” You took a 21 pack and by Yaz. Some things, a girl just knew. Some things, Billy Hargrove couldn't charm his way out of. “Oh my god.” Shaking your head as you held it low, you reached behind yourself with both hands and started to clasp your bra back on. “God, I'm so stupid.” Hissing at yourself, you tried to remember to breathe. Billy lied to you. He looked you in the eyes that afternoon and lied to you, made you feel awful for assuming he was cheating on you. Your friends were right and you were the fool.

Dumbfounded, Billy just slid off the bed and stared at you with a look that suggested you were insane. It was his go-to defensive trick whenever you two disagreed.

“How am I supposed to know how it got there? Maybe, it's Max's, or Susan's, or some random girl my Dad's with.”

Once your shirt was over your head, you fixed Billy with a look that silently asked, 'Are you serious?'.

“Why would you step mom's birth control be in your bed?” Your eyes were squinting so tightly together that they were practically shut. You couldn't believe that you even had to ask a question so ridiculous. You knew the birth control wasn't Max's because she was thirteen and you weren't about to entertain the possibility that Neil Hargrove was cheating, not Billy. The fact of the matter was there was birth control pills in Billy's bed and they were not yours. “I'm leaving. I can't be here right now.” You swung your legs over his bed and stood up and Billy had to stop himself from pushing you back down, he stood in front of you and tightly took your wrist in one hand to keep you from moving away from him.

Fear shone evidently through your eyes as a gasp was stuck in your throat, mouth hanging open as Billy shook in front of you with his eyes maintaining a piercing glare at you. He had scared you, just like he did when he sped with his eyes shut. He remembered how shitty he felt when he pulled over,  manically laughing only to see how terrified and upset you were by his side. Billy loosened his grip and slid his fingers over your palm softly until his hands were locked behind his head.

“It was one time, [Y/N].” He confessed and rolled his eyes as soon as you huffed. “It meant nothing. I was drunk. I don't even remember her.”

You didn't know what to think or what to believe because, all at once, the trust between you both that kept your relationship together was broken. It was impossible to know now if Billy was telling you the truth or not.

Your mouth stayed hanging open until you swallowed at the pain forming in your chest and threatening to meet your throat. You bent down to collect your things and pack them up in your school bag. The music you could usually tune out was growing louder and it made the room feel smaller. All you wanted to do was get out. Billy was hovering over you as you unzipped your bag and started stuffing things into it.

“Come on, don't leave. Talk to me. Hit me. Scream at me. Don't fucking leave.” Billy spoke at you, frustration with the situation obvious in his tone. Up until then you had never heard a vocal eye roll.

“I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to hit you. I don't want to - “ Stopping yourself you started looking around his room for your cardigan, not sure where he had pulled it off of you when you first came in an hour and a half ago. “Billy, I can't even think right now. You lied to me today and for however many other days...” Right now, you were in action mode, but your voice was warbling along with your bottom lip and you didn't know how long you could stay there without sobbing. The ache in your chest was beginning to knock loudly and you were seconds away from letting it in.

“One girl! One time. You're going to throw this away because of one fuck up?” He shouted at you, side stepping to stay in your path every time you tried to move past him.

“Was it Brenda?” You asked, thinking of the cigarette carton on his nightstand.

“Who?” He asked right as you saw your knit sweater laying over top of his messy dresser. Billy was confused by the female name you guessed and let you slip over to his dresser due to the distraction. You peeled your arms through each sleeve viciously and then opened up his top drawer, just in case he was lying again. The collection of lacy underthings confirmed in a bevvy of colors that everyone else was right about Billy. You had been played. For a second, you heaved out a laugh and then glanced over your shoulder as you could sense Billy coming closer. His cologne wafted closer, the floor creaked under his socked feet, and his body's warmth was infringing on your back. You spun around and tossed the first underwear you grabbed, a small black crotchless contraption that you had never even considered wearing. It hit his chest lightly and slid down him to the floor, but before he had looked up from his feet he had a handful of other pieces being tossed at him.

“One fucking girl!” You shouted as you threw bra after bra after underwear at him, eyes burning with tears that were rushing out of you in a heavy flood. “One girl!” You screamed. “What did she move in for a week?” You didn't look at the sizes of lingerie, but you could tell they weren't all just from one girl and, if they were, they were not from just one night. Loudly, you began to sob as Billy moved in closer. He took your arms, one by the wrist and one by the elbow to keep you from whacking at him and tried to hold you firmly in one spot. “You don't deserve me!” You screamed in his face, your own violently turning red. Nancy had told you from the night you first went out on a date to the movies with Billy. He didn't deserve you. At the time, it sounded silly, but now you wanted it to be true. You wanted her to be right finally.

“Calm the fuck down.” Billy warned behind grit teeth. He couldn't talk to you if you were so worked up. “[Y/N]!” He groaned bombastically as you tried to wrestle away from him, but before he could carry you over to his bed to sit you down, his bedroom door swung open and his Dad looked angrier than both of you in the doorway.

“Both of you!” He almost roared, holding himself back. You knew that Neil had a temper that inspired his son's, but he had never directed it at you before. He had degraded his son in your presence or raised his voice at Billy, but Neil largely left you out of it. It was no secret that he felt you were too good for his boy. “Stop it.” He growled and instantly Billy let go of you. “Max is going to sleep, you two are being very fucking rude,” He kept going, his glare opening fire on Billy and then bouncing quickly over to you. “turn your music off and shut up!” He shouted before composing himself. His chest fell inward and he took note of the girl's underwear all over the floor behind his son. “[Y/N], it's time for you to go home.” You were only there under the belief that you and Billy were working on homework together. He didn't think that included studying for the debate team.

“Yep.” For once, you agreed with Billy's dad. With one wrist, you wiped at your eyes and then stalked between the Hargrove men to collect your backpack. “I'm sorry, Mr. Hargrove.” The manners your grandmother drilled into you as a little girl won and you couldn't help, but mumble out an apology as you walked by Neil to the door.

“I'll drive you home.” Defeated, Billy sighed and walked around his bed to find his jean jacket and keys. You didn't turn around though, you didn't stop to wait or acknowledge him at all. “It's cold out.” He spoke past his Dad to you, but you walked towards his living room, out of his sight. Leaving him alone to handle his Dad's wrath, not playing the role of his safe haven anymore.

[allfandomxreader]

A Eulogy for Billy Hargrove

Pairings: Billy Hargrove x Reader

Words: 2.9k

Summary: It’s one week after Billy’s death and Max asked you to speak at his funeral.

Warnings: Definitely cussing but I think that’s it

A/N: Hi I’m back from the dead and have been thinking about Billy a lot lately and thought of this :) let me know what you think! Not my gif!

Masterlist

In the first flashback you were the one talking to Billy, not El whenever he died. 

Billy’s weight presses against you. His hands no longer feel soft and gentle, the way they felt in the months prior. His body no longer belongs to him. His eyes see right through you, almost as if you aren’t beneath him. You still see him as the man you loved --love.

Your body aches. Your head reels from the impact it made against the tile. Your limbs sore from running, your throat still burning from where Billy grabbed you. But none of this matters. You want to reach Billy, you want him to come back to you, for everything to be over and life to carry on.

“Seven feet,” You blurt. His eyes lock with yours for the first time, his body jolting at your words. “You told her the wave was seven feet.” His breathing deepens, his grip relaxes. “You ran to her on the beach. There were seagulls,” Tears escape your eyes as Billy begins to slowly come back. “She wore a hat with a blue ribbon. A long dress with a blue and red flower.”

Billy looks away, his eyes scanning something you can’t see. Something he always does when he’s concentrating. “Yellow sandals, covered in sand.” You choke, “She was pretty,” Billy’s lips curl into something like a smile, the closest he could get in a time like this. “She was really pretty.” You nod and he follows your actions, curls bouncing beside him. “And you, you were happy.”

Tears cascade down his cheeks. You reach for him, slowly, as if asking permission to touch. “Do you remember telling me this?” He nods again, eyes fluttering closed. “Do you know who I am?” Another nod. “I love you,” You sob, “I love you so much.” You want to hold him, to feel his skin against yours.

The sound of the Mind Flayer’s screeches pull Billy away. Just when you finally had him back, he was taken once more. He stands slowly, squaring his shoulders like he does to seem threatening.

The Mind Flayer screams but Billy doesn’t flinch. From where you lie, you can see the terror spreading through Billy’s eyes. You already know what’s coming, the monster will reach for you. There will be pain. You don’t want to die, you’re not ready. But Billy came back, and right now, to you, that’s all that matters.

Instinctively, you kick yourself back. Using the last bit of your strength to scoot away from the Mind Flayer, but there’s no use. You can already see the hand shooting from his mouth. You raise your arms to block your sight, accepting pain, accepting death.

And then nothing.

When your eyes open you only see Billy. His hands push against the Mind Flayer, running at it, trying to save you. He’s screaming, you can almost feel his agony through his cries.

You see the other hands too late. It’s too late to scream, too late to warn Billy. The Mind Flayer tears into Billy’s side. Billy doesn’t stop screaming. Another hand into his body. Billy’s grip weakens, his limbs fall back to his sides but the hands don’t stop coming.

With one final scream from the Mind Flayer. Dark liquid leaks from Billy’s mouth, you can’t tell if it’s blood or whatever’s left from the Mind Flayer’s possession, maybe both. He hasn’t stopped screaming.

The Mind Flayer shoots one last hand, this time into Billy’s chest. Billy falls silent, his body limp in the monster’s many hands. The monster retracts, Billy’s body dropping to the floor.

It was your turn to scream, a sudden burst of strength pulsing through your body, just enough for you to reach him. He’s gasping, choking on the darkness that’s pooling in his mouth. “Billy?” You sob, hovering over him. Your hands brace his shoulders that are slick with sweat. “Billy, Billy please.” You shake him, trying your best to keep him awake, to keep him alive.

“I love--” Another choke, “You too.” His voice is hoarse, but nevertheless, it’s him. You can tell by the twitches in his lips that he wants to smile, he wants to speak, to say how everything will be okay like he normally does when life gets shitty. You reach for his hand, squeezing it gently, careful to not add to the pain he’s already in. He squeezes back.

The blue in his eyes fade, his lips in a line, his body perfectly still. Just like that, in a span of a few agonizing moments, the Mind Flayer took everything from you.

Billy Hargrove died six days ago.

You stare at your reflection in the mirror, the young woman staring back is almost unrecognizable. Your eyes swollen, the circles beneath them so dark even makeup couldn’t hide them.

You should be getting ready for college, packing up last minute things for your dorm, bidding goodbye to your parents, eager to get the hell out of Hawkins. Instead, you’re preparing to say goodbye to a man that was taken too soon.

You clutch the crinkled eulogy in your hands, folding it gently and tucking it into your pocket. With a final deep breath, you carry yourself through the house and out the door and into your car.

The four doors and cushioned seats used to be comforting, but now it just reminds you of Billy. Even his scent still lingers, or maybe you’re just imagining it.

“I hate when you drive, you know? You always take turns too fast and hit every single pot hole on the road.” Billy scoffs, dipping some fries into ketchup that’s smeared onto a napkin.

“Oh, so suddenly I’m the bad driver?” You laugh, “That’s rich coming from you Mr. 60 miles per hour in a 35” as if on cue, your tires glide over broken pavement jolting you and the complaining passenger.

“You just proved my point!” Billy laughs, flailing his hands dramatically. His outburst sends the napkin from the console and onto the seat and his jeans. “Shit.” He grumbles, peeling back the flimsy paper and rubbing it with clean napkins.

“Don’t rub it, shithead! That’ll make it worse!” You screech, trying to stay focused on the winding stretch of road ahead of you.

“How else am I supposed to clean this shit off then?” He only rubs the condiment into the seat’s fabric further.

“You blot it... I think?” You chuckle, watching your boyfriend struggle beside you with ketchup covering his fingers. “I swear to god if that stains my seat you’re never going to hear the end of it, Hargrove.”

You stare at the dark, lopsided stain that still adorns the passenger seat. You can faintly make out his sincere apologies through his laughter. You almost laugh at the amount of chemicals the two of you scrubbed the seat with. You’ll never wash it off, or even try to. Not now.

Billy’s burial is tucked away near the edge of the cemetery. Knowing Neil, it was probably the cheapest plot of land he could find. Even in death, he couldn’t honor his son. It makes you sick.

Today, the air is warm, the sky is clear, not a single cloud in sight. The sun beats down on your black clothes, you feel as if you’re being burned alive. As if you haven’t endured enough pain to last you a lifetime.

You walk leisurely along the path not ready to face the closed casket. You weren’t ready to face a lot of things that this day will bring. The looks of solemn faces, the look of concern. Your mother has worn that look every single day. People will ask the inevitable: “Are you okay?” and of course, you’d have to say yes.

You aren’t okay. You don’t know if you ever will be. Billy left a gaping hole that will never be filled. He was your other half. Everyone will tell you “It’ll get better with time.” but it won’t. You could live seven lifetimes and the pain of Billy’s death will never get any easier.

You hear voices behind you. The annoying shrill of Carol and Tommy’s voice linger behind you. “Should we say something?” Carol says in an attempt to whisper, she’s never been very good at it.

“Be my guest.” Tommy hisses. They fall silent as they approach, their footsteps even slow. Carol doesn’t say a word, neither does Tommy, and soon they pass. You meet Carol’s eye, the look of sympathy written across her features. You can’t tell if she’s faking it or not, either way it disgusts you.

Carol’s claws for nails drag along Billy’s bicep, he doesn’t bat it away. “Billy,” She sings, bringing the red cup to her lips, staining the plastic with expensive lipstick. “Come on, just this once. Forget about the little bitch for just tonight. I promise I’ll make it worth your while.” She purrs.

Billy rolls his eyes but looks at her nevertheless. He opens his mouth to say something but is cut short when locking eyes with you.

Your hands shake, rage pulsing through your veins more than the alcohol. You throw the half empty cup against the wall, trudging out of Tina’s grand house and into the cold autumn air.

“Y/N!” He calls after you, pushing through the crowd of teenagers. “Hey! Would you just stop walking for two fucking seconds?”

“Fuck off, Hargrove.” Your feet don’t stop moving. You don’t know where you’re going or even where the sidewalk leads, but anywhere is better than that house.

“I didn’t even do anything.” He jogs to catch up.

“Exactly. You didn’t do anything. You could’ve told her to piss off or push her hand away but you did nothing!” Billy watches your arms move in wild motions as your anger got the best of you. “For fucks sake, is everything you said a lie? Everything that we’ve done and talked about, was it all just some sick game to you?”

“What? No! I--”

“Because it looks like you’re still the same power hungry horn dog that you were when you first stepped into town. Fuck, I should’ve listened to Nancy or Steve, or literally anybody with a working brain to not get involved with you.”

“What are you talking about? Carol means nothing to me.” He’s frantic, you can tell he’s being truthful. You almost feel bad for making a scene. You stand silent for a moment, crossing your arms over your chest to keep warm.

“Then why didn’t you defend me?” Your voice is almost lost in the wind but Billy catches every word.

“You stormed out before I could even say anything.” He sighs, taking slow steps towards you. “I’ve never lied to you, everything has been nothing but the truth. I’m sorry I was a piece of shit when we met but I promise I’m not that guy anymore.” He folds you into his chest, the scent of tobacco and alcohol invades your senses.

“You promise?” You whisper. He pulls away, taking his warmth with him.

“Fuck Carol, or any other girl. I want you, I love you. I’ll love you until my heart stops. I’m going to be yours forever.”

“Jesus Christ,” You chuckle, “Are you proposing to me right now?”

“No, but one day, I’d like to.”

There was a lot of truth in what Billy said that night at Tina’s party. He loved you until the very last second of his life. But you didn’t think forever would just be memories and old ketchup stains. You thought forever would entail a marriage, maybe kids, if not at least a dog. Forever should’ve ended sixty years from now, not six days ago.

A sea of black greets you when you finally make it to the burial. People are milling around, some talking to one another, other’s munching on refreshments you’re surprised Neil even arranged. People stop talking as you pass them.

You see Max, her tear stained cheeks, tissue balled in her hand. Lucas holds her free one, El rubs soothing circles along her shoulders. The rest of the teenagers are beside her, nobody says anything, each of them staring at the closed mahogany casket just a few feet in front of them.

The funeral begins, a minister takes the podium and rambles about the afterlife. Neil even talks, he says bullshit about being a proud father and how Billy meant the world to him. You can’t help but roll your eyes. Susan blots her tears and gives Max a soothing pat on the leg as her daughter emerges, brushing past Neil as she messes with the microphone.

“Billy--” She begins, words caught in her throat. “Billy was my brother,” She opens her mouth to say more but her voice fails. Her sobs are amplified from being so close to the mic. Through blurry vision, her eyes meet yours, a silent plea to help her.

You stand, gaining attention and murmurs from the audience. When you reach Max, you pull her into a hug, stroking her hair as she cries into your shoulder. “It’s okay, I got you.” You rock her back and forth, ignoring the uncomfortable shifts from people in their chairs.

Max finally stands, still sniffling. She squeezes your hand before taking her seat between Lucas and El.

You lean close to the microphone, shifting it slightly so you could stand straight. “Um, a few days ago, Max asked me to speak today,” You start to pull the wrinkled paper from your pocket, ignoring the smeared ink and tear stains before balling it up and tossing it to the side. He didn’t deserve something rehearsed, that’s not how either of you did things. You refuse to start today.

“Billy Hargrove was a lot of things. He was a student, an athlete, a brother,” You pause, giving a weak smile towards Max that she attempts to return, “A friend, and probably the love of my life. I know a lot about Billy, I know him better than anyone sitting here today. So, I thought I’d share with you who the real Billy Hargove is.” You breathe, swallowing the lump in your throat.

“If Billy ever told you that his favorite color was red, you shouldn’t have believed him. It’s actually blue. More specifically, he told me it was the color of the sky on a clear day.” You look towards the sky, the sun blinding you only for a moment. “Billy would’ve loved today. He’d look up at the sky, he’d close his eyes, and stand in silence. After a few moments he’d beckon for me, and I too would face the sky with my eyes closed. He’d ask if I could hear it, the waves, the seagulls. Truthbetold, I’d never be able to. I’ve never heard the ocean. But I’d always say yes.” You smile fondly at the numerous occasions where that exact scenario occurred.

“Billy was smart, he was one A away from a 4.0. He always took pride in having a higher GPA than me. Billy was also strong, and not just because he worked out everyday. No, Billy was strong because he had to be.” You glare at Neil for a brief moment, making him move awkwardly in his seat.

“Billy deserved so much more than what was given to him. I wish he could’ve seen California one last time. I wish he had the chance to leave this town, to start over, to never look back. He deserved that more than anyone else I know.” You take another breath, mind racing for something else to say, something to make people know Billy wasn’t the monster they believed him to be.

“California was his happy place. He told me many times that wherever I was, he was happy. But I always knew his happy was in California. Billy would tell me all kinds of stories about him and his mom. There was this one story where he caught a wave that was seven feet. He ran and told his mom who was on the shore. He never forgot to emphasize how pretty she was. How happy she was, how happy he was.” Tears prick your eyes, threatening to spill as you retell the story for the second time this week. This time, Billy wasn’t your audience. “He always talked about how one day he’d see her again. I wish he got that chance.”

“Billy died a hero, in many ways most of you could never understand. He died a hero to me,” Your eyes travel to find Nancy, Steve, and Johnathon. Each of them give a knowing, proud smile. You look at the young teens in the front row, the boys stare at their shoes, kicking their toe into the earth below. El wipes away tears, Max grins at you through hers, clinging to every word you speak. “To all of us. Even if you don’t know it.” With a final deep breath, you open your mouth one last time to finish your speech.

“Billy didn’t know peace for most of his life. I hope that he does now. And I hope wherever he is, the sky is forever clear, that he can see the ocean waves and hear the seagulls.”

Most people have left by now. Nancy and Johnathon made sure to give you hugs, Nancy reminded never hesitate to call. You said you would, but both of you know you’d probably never pick up the phone.

You sit alone staring ahead at the grey tombstone. “In loving memory of William Hargove. A loved brother and son.” You trace the words with your eyes over and over, unable to look away.

“I’m sorry,” You say quietly, “I know you would’ve wanted it this way. But it should’ve been me.” You stand, taking a final look at the empty cemetery. “I’ll love you until my heart stops, Billy Hargrove. I’m going to be yours forever, I promise.”

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