#d3ada5 mental breakdown watch

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there are so many earthy concerns but I’m too busy thinking about the Everythingness of it all

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I have trust issues but they’re weird. It waxes and it wanes. It builds and then it breaks and then it builds again. I’m so eager to forgive. I live in a world of simultaneities, where I’m unreasonable and justified, where they did something wrong and I hate them for it, but they also did nothing wrong. The only thing I know for sure is there is pain, but I don’t know how to feel about it let alone what to do. I want to minimize. I want to make a big deal about it. I want it to be over. I want to forgive silently on my own so the pain drifts away unnoticed. I want to trust again. And I do. Again and again and again. But it always breaks eventually. And I come crawling back for more.

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I might have had a psychotic episode several months ago which would explain a lot of things including why recovery after it all went down was so long and hard but I still don’t actually know what was real and what wasn’t which makes it hard for me to be confident on if it even WAS a psychotic episode.

No one in my life has been able to meet me halfway to break down my experiences, look at them, and really determine what is what. I don’t want to be disrespectful of psychotic people for identifying with their community and their experiences, but I do, even when my status is unclear.

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Ughhh can’t sleep

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Having a bad brain day when you have uncancelable plans sucks ass

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I’m not sure if I’m just seriously bad at art because I hate almost everything I’ve ever drawn or if this is just the artist block speaking. But I have lost all confidence in the skills I used to think I had. Maybe I never had them and I was deluding myself. I want to draw again and be excited to draw again but how am I supposed to do that when I know no matter what I do the art will turn out as something I hate?

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Fucking agony I take the risk of having a benzodiazepine as a sleep aid and it DOESNT EVEN WORK. even when I ALSO TAKE MELATONIN WITH IT

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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I know I’m doing bad when I’ve bitten my lips raw

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It’s amazing how you can go months, even years after something happens totally unaffected, and maybe you’ll totally forget it even existed, and then BOOM it all comes rushing back. New trauma

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I woke up this morning feeling insane and I really don’t know why

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I’ve decided I’m not traumatized anymore. Maybe I never was

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I just think it was really dumb of me to have missed my mental illness like some maladaptive safety blanket because now it’s here to stay and it’s no longer fun anymore

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Today’s minor win is I slept 9 hours today instead of 11 due to the changes in my medication

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So basically I’m having this depression because by doctor’s orders I’m titrating down on a medication that I do not want to take. I’m doing everything right and I’m getting this fuckass depression anyway wtf

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The eternal question of are my meds working and thus making me feel better, more energetic, etc. or are my meds NOT working and this is actually the start of hypomania