#d0nt r3/blog

[boethiah]

honestly I’m bummed as all hell mostly because. i wanted to be honest about my struggles with mental illness on this blog because it’s such a stigmatised subject and i want to believe that talking about what it’s actually like might help even one other person feel a little less alone. and it hurts for people to turn around and use “it’s ok boethiahs a mental defective with a terrible life” as some sort of… gotcha. like they win the argument and are better than me because they aren’t mentally ill. as absurd as it is THATS the thing that hurts. and it’s not easy for me to just Not Talk About It because being mentally ill pretty much dominates my life, but rn I kind of want to never talk about it again!!

like… idk how he can accuse me of “evidently struggling with empathy” when he made a post like that. “oh don’t worry people like her tend to have awful lives :-)”. as if im a lesser person bc, what, i was abused as a kid and have a personality disorder? as if me being molested was some sort of karmic justice for me being a Terrible Person. these people literally see the mentally ill as subhuman and idk why of all this shit THATS what gets to me but there you go

[lakesandquarries]

so im. kind of a mess right now my anxiety’s been really bad lately. i’m also starting to feel really, really insecure about my writing, to the extent that i’m gettng writers block. i’ve also noticed that i’ve been getting unreasonably jealous of other writers lately, to the extent that i had to close down skype because people were tallking about someone else’s fic and i just kept think “why does no one say this stuff about my fic, they must all secretly hate mine and think this other one is better and mine is garbage and im garbage” and i keep trying to tell myself thats not true but its not working and i dont know what to do i feel bad for even thinking that way because i feel like being unreasonable, im overreacting, i need to stop comparing myself to other people but its so fucking hard because my brain is actively fighting me i dont know what to do i dont know how to stop feeling like garbage and im so tired of feeling like garbage but its like - god i dont even wanna say because i feel so petty!!! but everytime i see people talking about other baby blaster fics - especially trust - i just…my brain just goes “that fic is better than yours, yours is garbage, why even try, no one cares yours is just a cheap knockoff, why are you even bothering with it, if you stopped writing people wouldnt even care” i just. i dont know what to do and im so fucking sick of it. im not even sure why im making this post. theres a little voice in the back of my head going “you’re petty and shitty and garbage and you’re being manipulative by posting this and you’re being manipulative by writing this” i dont even know why im writing this!!! i guess im just desperate for attention lmao all those things ive seen about people with dpd are true im just a fucking child that cant care for itself, im a vampire feeding off other peoples willingness to help, im needy and pathetic and im so fucking tired i just wanna. go to sleep and not wake up for a few months. life is happening to much and i need a break im gonna put a question mark because im fucking!!! desperate for atttention!!!!

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