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wyzzze · 2 months ago

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Kind of obsessed with the way Lighter in most of his trust events keeps saying that he wants to kill himself

And when you tell him that you'll jump in after him if he jumps, he says this;

Implying that at the heart of it all, he just really wants someone to care enough about him to jump in with him. To go through the motions of grief with him and to pull him back up.

In Lighter's side story, the Sons of Calydon said that he's an elusive figure to even them in spite of being with them for years. For a long time he considered it a job that he was working to pay back Big Daddy for taking him out of his nightmare and giving him a second chance.

And now knowing what we know about him, we know that he keeps them far away from him and calls his place there a "job" a "debt", because if he gets closer to them and they died...he wouldn't be able to take it anymore.

He already can't take the losses he's had, and he's really only been hanging on all of this time for purposes that he's given himself, like a weary horse following a carrot. Giving his life to the ring as an apology and then giving his life to Big Daddy as repayment.

Debt and guilt have kept him alive for years. He considered himself dead when he sold himself to the ring, and he didn't ever expect to be given the opportunity to live again. To share meals with others or dare to get closer.

Knowing this, it also re-contextsualizes the devastation on his face when he'd thought that he'd lost Caesar in Tour de Inferno and also his relationship with Lucy considering she wears her hair similar to Dane's little sister.

So...he can't quite exactly envision a world with him in it yet. Belle and Wise are meeting him at a time in his life where he's wondering to himself if he actually has the right to live again and if he deserves that privilege. He's wondering if he's strong enough to let people in and to love again, even if it means that he may lose them.

He's unable to trust himself and afraid of being a leader--content with being a background character in their lives. Someone who's easy to let go...in case he were to dissappear. In case he dies. He plays the role of a silent protector even though he needs someone to lean on the most.

So this part of him is interesting, and the implications of him showing his real self little by little is deeply compelling to me. So many of his trust events are dedicated to him saying that he wants to die. But in so many of them, he's also saying, "Please don't let me die" and "If I die, will you care? If me dying makes you so sad then...I guess I can't die." finding more and more reasons to keep on living.

He's finding himself wanting again. Wanting someone who will ride with him, someone that listens to him. Someone that cares that he's still here and will miss him when he's gone.