#cuz then u can also feel like a failure if you're not able to make it work

[hippo-pot]

i'm thinking about my foray into polyamory (am now very monogamous) but i had this experience where i was like, okay. this guy is poly and has been for a while. he's gonna be so good at communication :) he can help me figure out the stuff i'm struggling with re: polyamory :) and boy have i never been wronger

[tornad001]

see the problem is that the best alternative u can construct still represents a significant enough decrease in the quality of everything that it really begs the question if it's worth it just for decentralization of this specific industry. so ur solution to the inability for a wholly decentralized system to provide the vast numbers and quantities of different drugs and chemicals needed for modern medical care seems to be to pawn off the production of "some critical compounds for personal use" to individuals? why? where are all these individuals getting the tech or at least access to the tech (and additional training needed to run and interpret the results of the tech) for ensuring they did it right and got all the right compounds and none of the wrong ones? cuz little mistakes can literally kill people, and even the best case scenario of a fuck-up where u kill only urself isn't a good one, death is bad actually.

also all of this is predicated on the assumption that a vastly decentralized system would be able to provide the base chemicals and solvents and all needed to make the drugs in a sufficiently pure form and with sufficient reliability. there's just too many steps along the path from resource extraction to industrial chemical synthesis and purification to drug production to treatment and every step along the way is a potential source of catastrophic failure. if proper production isn't done or the purification process isn't complete enough or theres a failure in your instrumentation that isn't caught or a million other things can go wrong. and the only reasonable way to prevent that to whatever extent is even possible is through robust interconnected regulatory bodies that can hold people and groups to account and can themselves be held to account. and these systems have to have the same degree of certainty and safety everywhere despite having to be largely decentralized in how they're carrying out their regulatory work and the only way to do that is with some degree of centralization and then it kinda seems like you're just rebuilding the FDA and our current system with a lot of extra steps and a lot less utility

nobody's saying our current system is functioning (well its functioning exactly as intended for the benefit of the bourgeoisie) but there's solutions that are still radical and resolve much of the issues, it seems like a step too far and at the very least a step too soon to suggest that the way to fix the medical/pharmaceutical system is through radical anarchistic decentralization rather than.... idk, socialized medicine. better medical education. implementation of automation where useful. an emphasis on patients and workers rights. etc.

i just don't see many problems that the anarchistic solution solves that a radical socialist/communist solution doesn't. what internal contradiction is left un-resolved? idk i just think a lot of the anarchistic extremism really only works under a system sans natural inequality. cuz we always have to make accommodation to reality, both in a policy sense with an eye for what's expedient and in an ideological sense in terms of sacrificing secondary goals in pursuit of primary goals. if the secondary goal of decentralization can't be taken to its logical conclusion without impinging on the primary goal of liberty, then it must be constrained. cuz we don't live in a logical world, we live in a messy chaotic naturally unequal world. and if we have the imagination to picture radical anarchistic solutions as functional alternatives, surely we have the imagination to conceive of a centralized system which is sufficiently non-coercive - to image slightly less radical solutions

btw feel free to call me a liberal shill or a capitalism-loving communist-wannabe or ideologically inconsistent or whatever u need to tell urself. im firm enough in my beliefs, i can take unwarranted or petty criticism. and its not like i wouldn't have choice words about why you hold your beliefs on the matter.

I'm so mad at tumblr right now.... I was constructing a response to someone's "anarchists can't produce a surplus of synthetic insulin and therefore will just kill all disabled people when they take over" and Tumblr crashed and took my sources with it 😭

[grapehyunshair]

Strawberries and cigarretes || Lee Donghyuck

A/N: photos are not mine, non idol!au inspired by a troye sivan song, probably kinda bad cuz i was in a rush but i couldnt get this idea out of my mind all day so here it is enjoy xx

Remember when we first met?

You said, "Light my cigarette"

So I lied to my mum and dad I jumped the fence and I ran

But we couldn't go very far

Cause you locked your keys in your car

So you sat and stared at my lips

And I could already feel your kiss

You met Donghyuck, or Haechan as he preferred to be called, on a Tuesday morning in school. You knew of him and of the things he did and sometimes you talked to him in class, but you didn't really know who he really was. You didn't really have to know much about him to understand the kid was trouble, from his black leather jacket to the million broken hearts he was responsible for breaking, you were pretty sure you didn't want to associate yourself with him. In fact, you didn't really want to associate yourself with anyone. You were a pretty closed up person and you found making friends pretty difficult so for the most part you found yourself hanging out by yourself at the back of the school. So that's where you were on that Tuesday morning, waiting for the lunch hour to pass while looking at the peaceful, blue sky when you heard footsteps from behind you and and someone plopping down next to you. No one really hung around the back of the school so you got startled at the sudden arrival and you turned to see who the person was, when you saw Haechan sheepishly grinning at you while mumbling "Sorry, I just needed a breather I hope that's okay with you."

You nodded quickly, too intimidated to actually say anything and faced the front again. None of you actually tried to break the silence that existed between you, both of you too consumed in your own thoughts and busy enjoying the peaceful environment. That was until Haechan spoke up, nudging you softly with his elbow making you turn and look at him once again.

"Hey Y/N, can you maybe light my cigarette?" He asked softly, taking you by surprise both at the request and at the sudden realization that Haechan was breathtaking. You of course, knew that Haechan was one of the most handsome guys in school, the number of girls swooning over him being the receipt, but you never had the chance to admire his face from up close. And with the way the light fell on his face, you could finally understand why he had all those girls following him all those school years. "Take a picture, it'll last longer." He said chuckling.

"What? Oh right, sorry. U-um I don't actually smoke so..." You trailed off, looking at him apologetically, "You know, you should stop smoking though, it's bad for your health and totally gross." You said, furrowing your brows and snatching the cigarette Haechan had just placed between his lips, away from him.

"Oh? And who are you to tell me what to do?" He said, smirking, one of his eyebrows raised like he was questioning you. You scoffed and turned away from him again, blushing before mumbling, "I'm just stating facts." You could hear him chuckling from beside you before he suddenly said, "This place sucks want to get out of here?"

"You mean as in skip school?" You asked shocked. "No way, first of all my parents will kill me and second of all I barely know you, why would I want to skip school with you?" You raised your eyebrow while crossing your hands over your chest. "For all I know, you could be a killer."

"Oh c'mon Y/N. We've known each other since elementary, I'm pretty sure you'd known if I was a serial killer. Plus you're a teenager dude, live your life a little."

"Correction, I really don't know who you are besides all the rumors who may or may not be true and I won't be able to live my life if my parents find out and murder me." You saw Haechan falter a bit at your words, like what you said hurt him a little, before regaining his posture and playfully pouting at you, "C'mon pleaaase. I promise they won't find out a thing." He said and you don't know what came over you but you muttered a soft "fine" and that's how you found yourself jumping over the school fence with Haechan on a Tuesday morning and run the streets until you both got out of breath, so you stopped and opted for sitting at a nearby park.

"Sorry, I locked my keys in my car so I walked today." He muttered apologetically, while walking next to you.

"Don't worry, it's okay, I walk to school everyday so it's not a big deal." You shrugged and turned around to take a look at his face, only to realize that he was already staring at you with a look in his eyes you couldn't really understand. You blushed at the sudden proximity, before you started running and shouted "Hey whoever reaches the benches last, buys the other one ice cream." Haechan laughed and quickly followed you, purposely losing and buying you ice cream, before you both sat down and started talking like you were friends forever. So that's how, you spend your Tuesday in the park, having the best time you've had in a while, getting to know aspects of Haechan you didn't know existed. And when your parents asked you later in the evening how school was, you looked them in the eyes and smiled, lying to them by saying it went great.

Long nights, daydreams

Sugar and smoke rings, I've been a fool

But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you

Headlights on me

Racing to 60, I've been a fool

But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like

Blue eyes, black jeans

Lighters and candy, I've been a fool

But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you

After that day, you two found yourselves reaching for the other's company more often each day. Haechan felt like he could be his real self with you and he really enjoyed hanging out with someone who he knew wouldn't judge him based on what the others said. You also found yourself enjoying his company, the once assumptions you had of him, thrown out of the window from the first day you started hanging out with him and you were really thankful that someone actually took time out of their day to hang out with you. At first, your friendship was restricted at the back yard of the school, were you both sat next to each other, many times not really talking yet enjoying the endearing silence, while other times none of you could stop talking. After a few months though, Haechan found himself calling you at any time of the day, just to hang out with you, whether that was stopping by your house, or taking you out for night drives. The later normally happened when he had a lot in his mind and he just wanted to see you. And soon, that became a part of your day. He became a part of your day. He would pick you up to go to school and drive you back because he didn't want you to walk on your own and after a few hours he would probably call you up to go on a night adventure. On a cold winter night, while you were sleeping you suddenly heard your phone go off. Alarmed at the sudden noise, you shot up and reached for you phone picking it up, not bothering to look at the caller's ID, already knowing who it was.

"Hyuck?" You said, calling him by a nickname only you were allowed to call him, "Are you okay? It's like 3 am." You said, a yawn escaping your lips.

It was silent for a while before he answered. You could hear his ragged breath through the phone, making your eyebrows furrow and your heartbeat increase. "Can we please go for a drive?" You heard a whisper, making your heart break a little. He wasn't okay.

"I'll be down in 5." You said, "Arrive safely yeah?" You heard a small yes and then he hung up.

You sighed and plopped down into your mattress again. To say Donghyuck had now a firm place in your heart now, would be an understatement. You loved him and not only in a friendly way. Somewhere along the laughs, the hugs, his jokes and his stories you had developed a stupid crush on him and your heart broke at the realization he would never love you the same you loved him. However, you promised yourself you wouldn't tell him anything, too afraid of losing what you had, even if it wasn't what your heart wanted the most. That's why, you wore a pair of sneakers and sneaked out of the door quietly, running to his car and slipping in before he drove away. At first it was quite, but that was until you reached for his hand with your own and he stopped the car near a cliff turning around and looking you with glossy eyes.

"Why am I never enough?" He said, voice breaking and you resisted the urge to reach out and hug him, chosing to listen to him instead. "It's like, whatever I do, my parents don't really care you know? Even after all this time, after all those things I've done to gain their attention they still won't acknowledge me. I-I have no idea what to do goddamit. They only care for their money, like it's the only thing in the world. They're so caught up in their jobs that they can't even see their marriage is failing. They can't even see what a failure of a son they have." He said, raising his voice and he hit his hand on the wheel, startling you.

You knew of his family problems, from brief mentions in the past, but you didn't know it affected him so much. Suddenly it all clicked. Now you understood, why Lee Donghyuck was the person he was, why he never let anyone else know the real him, why he caused problems. He was just a kid, wanting to get love and attention. You cupped his face with your hand, your fingers wiping the stray tears that escaped his eyes and he tilted his face to the touch of your palm sighing in content at the feeling.

"You're not a failure. You're one of the most interesting people I know. The smartest. And if your parents can't realise that then it's not your fault. You're an amazing person Hyuck. It's not fair to you to hide behind a mask. I know who you can be and who you are. And I'm proud of you for pulling through all this time. It's time to prove to yourself, who you are too." You said, voice barely a whisper while Donghyuck's hand found it's way towards your own free hand and held it like his life depended on it. And before you could even mutter another word, he reached out and gave you a bone crushing hug, mumbling a soft thank you before kissing your temple. You sighed at the familiar scent of cigarettes and strawberry gum, his favourite flavor, before sneaking your hands around his waist to hold him closer. And you stayed like that for what it seemed hours, comforting one another.

That night you went home and cried until you fell asleep, because what you felt for him was so strong yet so stupid because you knew he would never feel the same way.

Remember when you taught me fate?

Said it'd all be worth the wait

Like that night in the back of the cab

When your fingers walked in my hand

Next day, nothin' on my phone

But I can still smell you on my clothes

Always hoping that things would change

But we went right back to your games

"Do you believe in fate?" Donghyuck had asked you one night where you both laid in the park, your head on his chest while he played with your hair, while you were gazing at the stars. Over the span of your friendship, Donghyuck had in fact fallen in love with you as well, but he was too scared to act on it, both from the trauma of his parents broken marriage and from the fact that he could lose you. That didn't stop him from doing anything he could to feel as close to you as he could in that way, confusing both you and him at the progress.

"Hm?" You said, looking up at him, only to see him looking at the stars above you. You took the time to admire his face and the way his features were painted silver by the light of the moonlight and there was nothing you wanted more in that moment than to softly kiss his lips. But you knew you couldn't so you just looked at him, grateful for the fact that you could at least share those moments with him.

"I don't know, fate, soulmates, do you believe in all of that?" He said, taking his eyes off the night sky to admire your face and the way your big eyes looked at him.

"I mean, it'd be pretty cute if that was true. Imagine having a person made to be with you. Your person. Like the universe came together, just to find two people that were made for eachother. That shit's romantic." You chuckled and raised your eyebrows and him. He grinned and caressed your face with his hand, making your heart almost leave your chest and you prayed he couldn't feel how hard it was beating.

"I should get you home." He whispered, still looking at you, his fingers brushing against your lips, "It's getting late."

That night, he had forgotten his keys again. So you took a cab back to your house together, him not wanting to leave you alone until you were safe inside your house. His hand never left yours the whole ride, his fingers walking in your hand, while you rested your head on his shoulder, listening to him humming a sweet melody. That night, before he left you to go to his house, Donghyuck couldn't resist you anymore. That night, he kissed you for the first time, in your doorstep, hands softly holding your waist as if he was afraid he'd break you. That night you slept in bliss, hoping that finally things would change, that he actually felt the same about you, while he went home mortified at the thought that he would ruin something as pure as you. That's why the rest of the days, he did anything in his power to avoid you. He stopped picking you up, stopped picking up your calls, stopped hanging out with you. He'd see you at the halls and would change direction, breaking your already broken heart even more in the process and making you wonder if all this was just a game to him.

And even if I run away

Give my heart a holiday

Still, strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you

You always leave me wanting more

I can't shake my hunger for

Strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you

Yeah, they always taste like you

Long nights, daydreams

With that sugar and smoke rings

Always taste like you

Running away from you and his feelings had to be the most stupid thing Haechan had done so far and he had done a lot of stupid things. He was aware of that yet he didn't know how to fix what he broke. Ever since he stopped talking to you, he wasn't able to eat, he wasn't in the mood to do anything and he had pretty much returned to the person he was before he met you, which he absolutely hated. Most importantly he missed you like crazy, he missed your laugh, he missed the way your face scrunched when you were confused, he missed listening to you talk, he missed the way you cared for him. The quick holiday his heart had taken away from you made him realise the one thing he already knew but was too afraid to admit. He was hopelessly and utterly in love with you. He wanted to be your person, the person you share your happiness and your struggles with, the person that you feel closer to you than anyone.

You weren't much better actually. That week without Hyuck was probably the worst of your life. He had made himself such a constant in your life, that you still waited for him to call you up in the middle of the night to drive you places, resulting you in not sleeping for the past week. You couldn't do anything other than sleep to ease the pain, seeing as literally anything else reminded you of him and your heart couldn't take it. The worst thing was that you literally felt played and humiliated. How could he get so close to you only to toy you like that? How could he show you this side of him and then play you like he played all those other girls? All those thoughts were occupying your brain, yet you still felt the same way about him. You still loved him and that upset you more than anything.

On a Saturday night, you were moping around the house, watching a sad movie and eating ice cream when you heard the doorbell. You looked at the time confused, seeing as you weren't expecting anyone but nonetheless you still went ahead and opened the door. And the minute you opened it, you wished you had just pretended to be asleep because there in front of you stood Donghyuck, his hair disseveled like he'd run his hands through it too many times, dark circles decorating his beautiful eyes and a regretful look on his face. You tried to close the door but he stuck his foot in the house, blocking you from closing it before he entered the house and threw his hands around you, engulfing you in a desperate hug. You stood there frozen, not knowing what to do, wanting to hug him back but knowing you shouldn't. He took you out of your dilemma by pulling away and taking your face between his hands making you look at him.

"Can we please talk?" He said softly, his eyes searching your whole face. You unfroze from your position and took a step back, your hands crossing in front of your chest defensively.

"I don't think we have anything to talk about. You've already made it clear Haechan. It was your game. You've won, you got everything you wanted." You said, your voice breaking, making him know how upset you were. You saw the hurt in his face, when you called him by the name everyone else called him, like you didn't know him.

"Please Y/N. I swear what you believe is not the truth." He said desperately, taking a step towards you while you took one back.

"Oh and what do I believe then? Tell me Haechan, what do I believe? You kissed me, you asshole, you made me fall for you and then what? You ignored me? Like we never meant anything to eachother?" You said, your voice accidentally raising, while tears you didn't know had found home in your eyes fell down your cheeks.

"I got scared okay?" He said, throwing his hands in the air, "I've never felt this way about someone Y/N and I got scared. God, I'm stupid, I know that but I'm also utterly in love with you and that mortifies me."

"Y-wait what?" You whispered, looking at his face and saw that his eyes were as well glossy with tears. "You do what?"

"I. Love. You" He said and took a step towards you, reaching out and taking your hand in his, putting it on his heart. "Feel this? You're doing this to me. And I- I didn't know how to handle it. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I felt that if I was with you, I'd ruin you somehow. But at the same time, I just can't get enough of you. And I don't know when you took my heart and made it yours, but as much as I know that I'm bad for you, I can't stay away from you. I-" You cut him off by placing your lips on his, softly while your hand found a place in his hair softly tugging it. He froze at first, but soon deepened the kiss, resting his hands on your sides, lips softly moulding together with yours.

You pulled away and looked at him before slapping his head playfully. "You idiot, stop making choices for me. I love you and I can't imagine a better person for me than you. I love you so much." You grinned, happy tears falling from your eyes before he wiped them and kissed you again.

"I love you so much. I'm sorry I'm such an idiot and I'm sorry it took so long." He said and smiled sheepishly with the same smile he had when you first met him when he joined you at the backyard. "Can we go cuddle and make up for the lost time now?" He pouted and you laughed while hugging him.

"Sure, come on."

And that's how you spent the whole night, wrapped up in each others embrace, talking and laughing, happy to finally belong to one another.