#cuz i literally feel like i havenr done shit

[chocolate-failure]

I really do be being hard af on myself. Like I literally lost my entire goddamn shit after gaining back all the weight I lost AND THEN SOME (don't ask me if I'm still salty about it cuz I fuckin am (idk it just fucking sucks to make so much progress and actually kinda maybe feel good about myself, then start the process of reaching out and getting the help I need to heal and the shit literally just ruined my life and I ended up in a worse spot than I started (not to mention, NOT TO FUCKING MENTION??? my therapist saying, "if the meds made you gain weight then just lose it?" Like bitch??? Are you dumb?? NO REALLY?? Do you tell an alcoholic to just a have a lil sippy sip to take the edge off? No? SO WHY IN THE CASUAL FRIDAY FUCK WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE WITH A *RESTRICTIVE* EATING DISORDER TO 'JUST LOSE THE WEIGHT?' (And like I get it... I'm fat... obviously I'm lying when I say I starve myself but that's not you're fucking determination to make? Like ion see your fucking stethoscope or your glucose meter. The fact that you don't understand how restriction can fuck up a person's metabolism beyond recognition is dizzying ("but fin, if you know it can fuck up your ability to lose weight why do you do it?" Lissen, I don't come to YOUR job and slap the dicks outa YOUR mouth so get tf off of mine)) Clearly, food is a major source of stress for me and even if you think I'm lying when I say I've weighed less than 100 lbs (spoiler alert: I'm not) maybe not risk stoking the flames of the ever burning dumpster fire that is my life choices?? Idk... that's just me tho. Far be it for me to tell you how to do your FUCKING job) Now I'm fuckin stuck playing catch for over a year literally because I got the stupid fucking thought in my stupid fucking head that maybe I could be better. Like maybe globe trotting and hearing voices and feeling like I'm full of screams can be weekly or even monthly occurances instead of daily. Maybe I can actually enjoy being touched without feeling like I'm in danger or covered in slime. Maybe I can become a person I can stand to look at or even recognize as myself (cuz y'know that's a problem too, like I somehow hate myself without even conceptualizing myself wth..)) and idk if I'll ever not be mad about it or become less reticent to seek help because it seems like everytime I try I end up in progressively worsening disasters and though my capacity to cope with them grows the fallout miraculously always outweighs my ability to damage control. At some point I'm inviting this shit to happen to me. And while I'm absolutely an idiot idk if I could continue trying to rely on others to leave my life in a shambles when I can do that perfectly fine on my own.) It’s crazy that I've been able to overcome a lot of my more inauspicious eccentricities to lose nearly 60 lbs in a year. Like of course if I worked with a professional I prob would've had an easier time and lost more in less time but... this is a ritual for me. It is a private, mostly disgusting, undertaking. But despite the horrible things I have nominated to do to my body to excise the demons of fat fin's past, there is some pride to be had in progress. In the journey so to speak. While I'm exceedingly hard on myself, I did and have continued to Do. That. Shit. and I can afford to take a little time to reflect and understand how meaningful that is to me.