#currentstateoflyfe

[jennyanjennyan]

heart gripped with fear

when i was young, i took swimming lessons. i learned all the strokes and how to dive. we learned how to dive from the ledge and then graduated to the lowest diving platform. after we had gotten used to it, our teacher asked if any of us wanted to jump off the higher diving platforms. we went to the second highest and it wasn't bad so i didn’t hesitate to raise my hand when he asked who wanted to jump off the highest one. he warned that once you went up, you had to jump. you couldn’t use the ladder to come back down because it wasn’t safe. i was really excited on my way up  but once i got to the top, i looked down and realized how high up i was. i was scared and didn’t want to jump off. the other kids jumped off one by one but i couldn’t jump. i was crying because i was scared and couldn’t bring myself to jump. the teacher eventually grabbed me and jumped off with me in his arms. i remember being horrified when he made the jump but feeling the freedom of being in the air while we were falling. i was perfectly happy when we hit the water and came back to the surface. 

God has been bringing up this memory recently. i think i reached this place in my life where i’m looking off the edge of another spiritual cliff and i know i want to jump but i can’t bring myself to do it. all i can think of now is: “God, you have to come and take me down because there’s no way i can do it myself.”

[jennyanjennyan]

I Broke My Iphone

I dropped my iphone 6 a couple days ago. I drop my phone all the time and it only fell 2 feet this time so I was really shocked that the screen had shattered the way it did. I was upset because I planned on using it for a much longer period of time. Sure it had started to lag a little and the charger was starting to fray and the touch screen was also becoming a little unresponsive. But it worked. It worked perfectly fine for the most part and I had no intentions of upgrading it. And now, I had no choice but to get a new phone. 

I had been asking God: why does everything seem like a mess, not just for me, but for so many people? He answered by showing me my broken phone. Would you have wanted a new phone if this one still worked? Sometimes you have to break things- even what might seem like perfectly good things, in order to get a better thing. So, here I am with a shiny, new phone- one I did not want at all, learning again that good things can come from brokenness.