#cult summoning but it's just your homies

[ew-selfish-art]

Dp x Dc AU: It’s not the usual suspects trying to summon the undead this time, and it’s proving to be a massive headache for John Constantine. They seem...Competent. 

When John sniffed out a new plot to summon a ghost, he kind of laughed it off. Ghosts were not more than shades of the people/creatures they used to be, without all the right resources and enough buy in from the greater spirits of the Infinite Realms, most entities that came thought might scare some kids at a slumber party but that was at most. Plus, kids were scary resilient these days thanks to the internet, so really, John’s not worried. 

Then he hears about the gathering of artifacts and he has to care a little more. He learns that one Jasmine Fenton is involved and he’s... Surprised. She’s got a public record of dismissing her parent’s inventions and causing stirs at supernatural conventions (not to mention a great reputation as a research focused psychologist). Jasmine’s credit cards report a great deal of cash (refunded to her account by an unknown off-shore account) being taken out and her location is right next to the last place anyone could find a shard of the Crown. 

Yeah, that Crown. The Infinite, ancient blessed and deity cursed one. John had meant to get around to investigating if the shard of obsidian (fire forged) was legit, so he begins to set his sights on Jasmine for a ‘chat’. 

Then Sam Manson, a scary ass Heiress, pulls up in a limousine and all but kidnaps him and dumps him outside city limits. She tells him that he’s been cursed for the next 48 hours to stay out of their city- If he comes close, any plant will identify him in a heartbeat and come to life to kill him. (Fun fact: there are a goddamn lot of plants surrounding this stupid town, even the dandelions are forging knives to kill him.)

THEN worse, Red Robin gets on his ass about cybersecurity of all things. Turns out another player, identified by the moniker TooFineTooFurious has been tracking John’s phone and has been rummaging around official JLD documents- How was John supposed to know that keeping his passwords on the notes app could be hackable? Red Robin declares him incompetent and John can only sigh, crush his phone and move on. 

That all leads him to the summoning portal in front of him in this weird ghost themed high school gymnasium. It’s far too competent. It gives him goosebumps even before he can read out that they’re summoning the King of the Infinite Realms himself. John clicks the panic alarm on his JL communicator before engaging with the Trio before him. 

They’re not wearing any capes, no candles are lit, but this is the scariest cult he’s ever seen. Jasmine Fenton, ghost denier, Sam Manson, Heiress and Plant Witch (?), Some other dude with a beret and fucking DRONES (he considers this might be the man who hacked him). John pleads with them, they don’t know what they’re trying to do. Pariah Dark will kill them all, eat their entire planet for breakfast!! Everyone rolls their eyerolls at him, and he’s taken aback by their nonchalance. 

Plant guards grab him and a drone has a laser sight on his forehead. He fights but is subdued- They’re almost done chanting when Superman, Green Lantern, Red Robin and Cyborg all appear. Despite their disruption- the chanting ends with the green illumination of the circle. Despair fills the air. 

And then- Poof- a groaning young man appears. 

“Dudes you have no idea how unhelpful the Infi-map is sometimes. I was lost for like weeks and CW was being such a bitch ab- What. Wait, who are all- Holy shit did you guys summon the Justice League?” The Ghost King in full Regalia stared back at them in questioning concern. The three summoners start bitching  at the monarch and John... isn’t sure if this is going to be an interdimensional incident yet. 

[drawingdeamon]

d&d questions 1, 2, and 31

answered 1 & 2 here, but i'll do em again! because there's too many dang customization options!

1. What do you think your d&d race would be? mmmmmm maybe a shifter? mostly human but also not

2. What class? rogue, sneak sneak sneak

31. Tell me about your current party!

CRACKS KNUCKLES

i got two main parties so I'm talking about both!

PARTY 1: ORDER OF THE CHEESEWHEEL

Irezumi: Drow Rogue, my character. Chaotic good, not always great at perceiving things but she found a cat once. Kept the cat, his name is Cheese Wheel. Loves being on the surface, loves greenery. Still reminisces about the Underdark.

Velria: Human Barbarian. The youngest of our party at 17, she ran away from her noble family for adventuring. Likes girls, and likes carrying around a whole armory of weapons on her back.

Reina: Halfling Sorcerer. Came from a cult, had an adventuring party before ours but whatever happened to them isn't clear. Often mistaken for a child due to her size.

Solar: Dragonborn Monk. Raised by his father, but they were attacked by worshippers of Tiamat. In the second session of the campaign he bought as many cheese wheels as he can carry, hence why our party likes cheese so much.

Haddock: Kobold Rogue/Fighter(? Teck if you're reading this correct me if I'm wrong). Was part of a criminal organization once, now adventuring. They're missing an eye, and once had a kenku alchemist fashion sunglasses for themself. Unfortunately the kenku put explosive runes on everyone's sunglasses.

Sylyras: Winged Elf Ranger. Haven't seen much of her as of late bc scheduling conflicts but she and Irezumi are homies.

Volurk: Half-Orc(?) Druid. Like Sylyras, haven't seen much of him, but he turned into a wolf once. That's cool!

Zoltai: Aasimar Warlock. They're a researcher into everything and I respect that so much. Loves books. Once flirted with a vampire to keep her distracted despite being thoroughly uninterested (by aspect of being aroace).

AAAND some out of context OotCW art:

Left: Irezumi reference. Right: Irezumi art, she has a hood up, snake tail and flowers tattoos on the top of each arm, is holding a damascene dagger of frost, and has Cheese Wheel, a black cat, on her shoulder.

Haddock destroying the last two members of a group of enemy mercenaries we fought. Haddock iconically stated, "I'm not done with you yet."

Solar catching and returning lightning from a magic javelin in the same encounter as above. He's also krumping.

Solar emoji. He is looking(tm).

PARTY 2: THE OVERGROWTH CAMPAIGN

Sybil of Hvallatr: Merfolk Bard, my character. Has a cool crown that he can talk to that definitely isn't evil. Started off pretty chill, if up for anything. Now he murdered a man in cold blood and has become a lich (the lich part isn't that big a deal, everyone in the party is trying to transcend humanity so we can go back in time).

Theran: Elf Rogue. His stealth rolls regularly roll above 30. Often sneaks past time itself. Sybil got to turn him into a Therannosaurus once. Got turned into an angel, but the god who angelified him isn't exactly a friend...

S'vatu: I don't know her actual race, but catgirl Bloodsight Cleric. Answers to the luck god Kane. Not really sure if it's worshipping though because Kane just hangs out with us. Anyway she died once but came back to life, and this was before she was in our party. Recently became a lich, got tired of being undead, and has become a fully robot catgirl.

Kal: Human Hexblade Warlock. Was sent on a suicide mission during his time in the army, where everyone but him died. Still keeps his morals, also took out a dragon summon that was at 3/4ths health in one hit. Has magical armor on his very being that protects him from divine magic, *except* for his eye. This armor should also let him time travel as long as he covers the eye with lead.

Henry Moon: Idk dude they were here once because the player switched their Owlfolk Cleric to play this guy but I haven't seen him in session since. I do know he is the Horseman of Death though, and he's helping us because the current world ending threat isn't supposed to be the apocalypse.

All my other sketches of these guys are buried in various Krita files, but I do have Sybil art:

I'M SO EXCITED FOR THE MAGICAL GIRL CAMPAIGN THAT IM IN WITH GIL AND JAY THOUGH i get to play a harengon which will be so fun!!

There's also another campaign that was ehhh. but I did play a tiefling wizard (who im repurposing for a cyberpunk oneshot) and the only other party member i remember was the ace half elf bard who liked coffee!

[mansionofmuses]

Alright fuck it I figured it's time to put my nuts in the ring when it comes to writing up rwde reviews about shiddy writing.

I already made a post about how closure doesn't exist in rwby, so that SHOULD trim this a bit. Hopefully.

These last two of seasons of rwby have been ASS and idk even know where to start. So lemme do some character progressions instead of jumping all over the place. Let's start with my fav: Neo. And I'll be as unbiased as possible.

Starting from v6, she came back and teamed up with Cinder. Cool? Cool. Fair enough. V7 onwards she's been treated like a BITCH by Cinder and has visibly shown her disdain for that on screen. And yet she still chooses to hang with her? Why? Like... Genuinely why? Is Neo not like the stealth queen? And the driver of a thousand vehicles? Why does she even need Cinder? Could she not have just jacked an airship herself, flown to Atlas after getting the info from Cinder, and began her hunt there? Instead she's just some minion to her now? Okay fine so let's say their team up makes sense in some odd world. Why the fuck would Neo agree to go to Cinder in the Satan Whale? Why? Why the fuck is she there? After being denied multiple times to get to Ruby and even being treated like shit with visible disdain, she should have absolutely left with a middle finger to Cinder. But nope. We get to see her be visibly uncomfortable in this cult and clearly wants out. Which she does, so good shit. She snatches the lamp and heads out. Fair enough, I guess? I don't know why the fuck she trusts Cinder to go back to her after being treated like shit. After Cinder's doodoo attitude towards her, Neo should be like "wow maybe she's lying to me about roman lemme check with this genie bitch" but no. And don't say "oh well she can't talk so jinn wouldn't be able to answer her." Fuck that. 1. I should hope that the password wouldn't be so ableist against mute people. 2. Neo's resourceful as hell. Text to speech and boom. There ya go. Instead she goes back to Cinder like a lost puppy after being shown multiple times how much she hates her. Why the fuck does she need Cinder to get to Ruby? I have no fucking idea! And then everyone's favorite scene. I know I know she killed Blake's hip atta-- I mean character devel-- I mean Yang. That scene. Was doodoo. And I'll get into more intricacies about it much later. But for now, why the hell was Neo so sloppy in that assassination? Like gurl you revealed yourself so early from, apparently so far away? Pretend to be a passerby with everything disguised (I saw that lamp) impale her and boom. Done. Not sure why she went for a slash either when a thrusting weapons like that would be best for a quicker impale. It would have made any on screen death so much more confirmed instead of up in the air bullshit.

Next we have Ironwood. Oh James. How far you've fallen. I don't really understand what the hell they're doing with this character any more. Like... At all. I fully expect him to turn into the joker and join salem at this point lmfao. At first he was complex, but cool, right? Ok a stern leader who still wants to help people and see team rwby in beacon grow and be successful. Fair enough. Then came v4 and he was like "hey yang. Heard about the arm. Here ya go homie." That was pretty cool to give to a young veteran. Fair enough. But good god once v7 hit, everything just went haywire. He started making the dumbest decisions. Kind of. I understand how he's like "aite let's sack mantle to ensure atlas lives cause otherwise both parties will be dead." except idk why he didn't just make a plan to evacuate everyone to mantle first but whatever. I mean team rwby did it like... In a day? Shouldn't have been hard. Then he started losing his fucking mind. There was an entire thing about trust issues and plans (ngl I didn't care enough to pay much attention) and he ends up wanting to arrest the kids more than actually stopping Salem. Like homie. Why. You have a gang of strong ass hunters on your side, don't just throw that away. They could say "acab fuck the police anarchy reigns" and you should still keep them just to fight literal satan on your doorstep. But he fucking drops everything and resources and materials on arresting them. Like why???? And then he just shoots a child just because? And he goes around full fascist mode and his character is just gone at that point. He literally actively wants to kill the people of Mantle now instead of stopping Salem and I don't fucking get it. He could literally plot with salem about how to nuke mantle and I'd be like "shoulda seen it coming". And then when he gets outta jail he kills Jacques... Just cause? Like why? I understand Jacques let Salem's forces in and eventually led to this shit show, but like... Atlas was falling. Just leave. I don't understand. But I guess it's to show how hateful he is towards those who oppose him, so whatever. Idk I'm so done with him. This man is just so boring I just can't wait for him to get killed off so we can be done with him. I'm sure I missed a fuckload of intricacies about Ironwood but I really don't care at all about this schmuck.

Next on the shitlist is the entirety of team rwby. Just to compact it all into one. Ruby has been getting on my nerves SO much. She is so holier than thou and always right. If she had just openly talked with Ironwood about all these secrets and shit, none of this would be happening. Yeah there would be panic, but homie what's the alternative? Fight in secrecy against the police and Salem?

"hey Ruby I noticed that lamp you keep hanging around. What is that?"

"oh uhhhh definitely not a grimm magnet HAHAHAHAH"

Like no shit everyone's gonna be pissed when you lie to them and keep these secrets. Also these plans are dogshit. "We gotta get a message out." To who??? The rest of the world is gonna see some lil kid be like "hey Ironwood's gone crazy and some evil witch bitch is here tryna kill us all." Like who are they gonna believe? A random girl or the fact that ironwood is the head of the largest military state in the world? For all they know it's just some prank and it's totally unbelievable.

Team RWBY sippin team for v8 and doing nothing all volume? Nice. "But they needed to protect Nora." You mean to tell me Ruby, May, Blake, and Weiss all had to be there to protect someone. The Grimm attacked once and that was it. You guys have no medical history. At all. All you did was wrap her up and drink tea during the volume where there's a literal war happening outside. You don't just "wait for help" you ARE THE HELP you're hunters you fucks! Go out and get shit done. Have like one person stay behind just in case shit goes wrong. Preferably Weiss so she can have those meaningful conversations with her family members she never fucking had. But whatever. Ruby and Yang get into... A fight? That lasts for five seconds when they leave and then when they see each other again it just doesn't matter so I'm not sure why the fuck it was brought up at all. It had no impact whatsoever. And there's a ton more I'm sure I'm just burning out at this point. But let's just talk about the big shit. Yang's death. Everyone's saying she'll come back because plot armor but I'm in the "I genuinely think she's dead" group. She turned to Dust as she fell. I mean who knows maybe Deus Ex machina rears it's convenient head. I hate hate hate how that scene was done. That was such an unbelievable death. Weiss, Ruby, and even Blake all have ways of catching her. Easily. Weiss has like fifty ways of catching someone between summons and semblance. Ruby can teleport around the world. And Blake can just shadow clone jutsu her way there but WHATEVER. I guess everyone was too busy being nerfed and sucking ass. Again. And the reactions? Dog shit. Even when she sacrifices herself for Ruby, it's still all about the bees. It's so genuinely annoying. Ruby just whispers her sisters name and that's pretty much it aside from a >:( face here and there. Weiss doesn't even grieve she just comforts Blake who's losing her shit. And I don't know why Weiss doesn't grieve cause SHE WAS HER HOMIE TOO LIKE C'MON RT LET'S SEE SOME UGLY SOBBING DAMN so now everyone's gone feral (except Weiss who just doesn't give a shit about Yang apparently.) And despite Blake saying "yo let's not kill people aite Yang?" She's gonna say fuck that and have it out for Neo and Cinder out of revenge. Alright I guess. That's fair honestly. Challenging ones own morals based on emotions. Good enough. But god I just wished we could see more from Ruby and Weiss during that. Also I'm so sick of the "oh this character fell are they dead are they not?" Thing that rt keeps doing. Just have Neo impale her and go. Easy as that. On screen confirmation. I'm sure team RWBY has a fuckload more to crit but I'm done with this topic.

Winter. Bootlicking to the extreme that she casts aside her own sister and doesn't care if her friends die. Nice. No closure at all after she turns back to being a good guy I guess. I'm done with her. Not a whole lot to say.

The aceops are just so dumb. I'm done with them. Everytime they talk about genocide for the good of atlas I'm just rolling my eyes. Just say you're fascists and move on. And idk why the fuck harriet is gonna bomb an empty mantle. Atlas is already falling on it, you literally have no reason to do this. And this plot point is stupid as hell. Next.

Cinder. I'm not sure why they decided to randomly drop her background story into the mix. Like I don't think anyone gives a shit after all the crap she's done. I'm so sick of rt trying to make her some "uwu woe is me" woobie after doing so much shit and killing so many people. Her uwu crying moments are just stupid. Honestly watts is one of my fav characters just for telling her how crappy she is. Next

Hazel. Homie is dumb as hell. He hates Ozpin because his sister died in a mission. Fair enough. Why the fuck would you ever join Grimm Hitler when Grimm are what killed her in the first place??? Like??? Just hate him on your own time dude, jesus. And he is consistently hypocritical and it's so stupidly funny how bad this character is.

"HOW MANY MORE CHILDREN WILL YOU HURT OZPIN" as he beats the piss outta Nora, Ren, RWBY, Oscar, and probably some random five year old on the street while shouting OZPIIIIN to the skies. It also didn't take a whole lot to convince him how stupid he was thank god. His character was so cool in design and in theory but good god he got executed soooo fucking poorly. Kinda glad he's dead just so we don't have to deal with his stupidity. Next.

Emerald. This bitch. I can't. I LOVE how easily rwby just forgave her. It was so stupidly funny. "oh but yang was ready to fight her at first and snatched her weapons" yeah for five fucking minutes. Then came the part where she helped stabilize Penny and gave a half assed speech about switching sides. Meanwhile everyone's just magically forgiving of her like OH THAT EMERALD AHAHAH like she didn't help orchestrate the fall of Beacon, the death of many, including Penny, and all the terrible shit that's gone down. No resentment from RWBY except for my favorite line delivered this volume. It was Weiss's ever so beautiful "SHUT UP" LOL (I play Smite and I love how her VVGQ Quiet voice line sounds the same. So when I heard this line, I thought of Smite and immediately laughed. Kudos to you Weiss.)

Salem. The hound attacked Penny in the mansion... Why? You already established connection with Watts in jail. Did he not tell her "ay she cool with us." And in turn did she not tell him "ay she cool with us don't hit her"? I guess not? Cause the hound and penny shoulda bounced together the second they met up lmao. Other than that, salem's done nothing this volume except try to be scary and get her ass beat by hazel. She could easily just go out in the field with her grimm and blasts some people or SOMETHING GOD so far our main villain is just so boring and unimposing that literally every other villain, including her subordinates, feel more like threats than her.

Now I'll just talk about scenes.

The scene with ambrosius was COATED IN CONVENIENCE. Apparently Ozpin didn't tell the gang about the WinMore button they could just fucking walk to until now because??? Idk. I LOVE how team rwby just assumed that penny would be okay when they took her robot parts out. Realistically she should just be a floating husk of aura and nothingness. Like she never had organs. I don't understand how she's a real person now? Which, by the way, I'm pretty fucking insulted about how they handled that. Why make Penny human? She was already a real girl and accepted by her loved ones. Like shit, she was a character that a LOT of transgirls, myself included, could relate to on a personal level and we LOVED how Ruby handled it in v2. It was cute! It was sweet! She said she was a real girl back then and it made all of our collective kokoros go doki doki. Fun stuff!

But now? It feels like none of that was validated until she got an actual human body. Like damn I wish I could just get my ideal body within seconds. Shit. I've seen and heard a lot of upset from my fellow tgirls about how doodoo that scene was, because it's implying penny wasn't a real girl until after she got her human body and that's probably how most of the rwby fandom is gonna see it too. "oh wow penny's a real girl now!" And just forget Ruby's cute speech in v2. So annoying. Minor nitpick, if she's got the aura of a black man inside of her (her father), and her robot body is gone, why the fuck isn't she black? Like? Idk minor nitpick I guess. But anyways back to ambrosius scene. I love how rwby had the answers for everything within the hours worth of planning they were given by Ironwood's motive. Totes believable. And yet the "one way ticket to vacuo" thing was the simplest shit they could have avoided lmfao. Like THAT is what you trip up on? Not the portals you're trying to make or the assumption that penny lives without her robot parts? Insane. (side note: how did oscar have a flashback to that scene if he wasn't even there?)

And now everyone's favorite scene. Yangs death. Already covered it early I just wanted to add more on. This scene is insane. Like... If they actually go through with killing her (i don't see how she could have survived turning into dust) then roosterteeth is dumber than I gave them credit for. Like... They have to realize the shitstorm they're gonna receive right? First they kill off clover, an lgbt+ coded character. Next is Yang? A main character who is WIDELY loved by all. Apart of their most pandered ship in existence: bees. (Both the ship and the character make them so much money in merch btw so this was stupid from an objective standpoint.) You can't just kill a main character that is heavily lgbt+ coded in THE most popular ship in the show. Like... How dumb can they be? They're gonna lose so many fans at the very least. Sales? Down. Death threats? Way up. It would be astonishing if they weren't up to their necks in shit in backlash by that decision. Bury Your Gays trope strikes again folks. But this time with everyone's favorite! Like I just... Idk that decision was stupid and that scene hardly was given any real pomp or circumstance it deserved. She's a major title character and that scene lasted like a minute lmao. It's gonna be RWBY without the Y. RWB. As in rt is a bunch of rubes for making that decision. A cynical part of me thinks they did that just because they want an excuse to off Neo, another really loved character. (Well if everyone hates her now we can kill her off cause god knows we don't know what to do with her), but I'm not gonna make this about her. I honestly don't know how to feel about this death tbh. On one hand it's shitty and *points to essay above*. On another it lets Blake be her own character for once. We get to see who she is on our own. And we can finally shift gears from The Bees Show featuring Some Plot to RWBY without the Y. But again that scene was done horribly with doodoo writing already explained up above. They're gonna use this as some edgy excuse to have the heroes start killing again or grieve or whatever bullshit shock value.

(now that I think of it tho, Neo shoulda killed yang in v2. How the fuck did Raven know she was finna die again. Lmao)

Anyways, that's my two cents. I'm sure there's so much more I forgot. Love or hate my ramble idc these are just my thoughts. I'm sure I made doodoo arguments at some points so feel free to call me an idiot and point them out. Imma bounce. My fingers fucking hurt lmfao

[lonelyghosts-stuff]

Avengers Infinity War-First Time Watching Reaction Play-by-Play (Pt. 2)

Part 1

I wonder how many people Gamora has killed? What made her finally snap to not serve Thanos anymore?

How DID Gamora find it? Like, who told her?

How did Thanos capture nebula?

Poor nebula. She’s literally been through hell and back.

Ohhhh she snuck on board...

Thanos you suck so much. You favor one daughter over another.

Oh. Where was said map to the soul stone?

Gosh I feel so damn bad for nebula. She was raised as his daughter too but he tortured her and tore her apart. Nebula never had the chance to be her equal. She deserves so much.

Taught groot as an elective? What about all speak?

Buckle up rocket. It’s gonna get emotional.

Thor is literally all alone. He needs a time to sit alone and cry and break a whole building.

Rocket and Thor friends? Please

1500 years old? Jane, honey, you escaped.

Gotta give it up to Hemsworth’s acting chops here. Especially talking to nobody in reality. Just a bunch of cgi

Ew ew ew eye socket

Should have washed that yikes

Snuck it out by hiding it up your? Huh? You watch too many movies rocket.

Huge title card. Thank you. I wouldn’t have known where we were despite them saying their location many times.

How is that video game battery not dead?

Perceptive rabbit

I LOVE that they used a dwarf to play a giant character!!! This is brilliant! (And that dwarves are giant for some reason lol.)

Soooo again Thanos killed everyone EXCEPT Eitri despite his “morality” supposedly being balance

Poor hands

Poor nebula

Smart nebula

Maybe should have waited to be fixed fully first

Ah crap. SOMEONE PICK UP THE SPACE PHONE

MANTIS

Love how Stark asks for peters help in steering and not Stephen lmao

Nice parking job

Peter, stop popping pop culture refs

Lmao ITS ABOUT TO BE THE ICONIC SCENE

YES PLEASE

Blanket of Death. Capey has a new nickname.

Where’s Gamora

Who’s Gamora

Why is Gamora

What master do you serve?

Jesus?

I mean, yea I do. So does Pratt lmaoo.

LMAO PARKER’S FACE WHEN QUILL SAID THOR WASNT HANDSOME

Storm breaker time baby

“In theory it could summon the bifrost” who theorized this? How do you only theorize and not know?

Oh my gosh mantis is just bouncing around

Mr. Clean lmao

Kick names, take ass

Hey now, these guys saved the galaxy and universe from Ego so lmao

Oh no I know the scene coming up

Poor quill lmao

“I’m half human. So the 50% of me that’s stupid, that’s 100% of you.” “Your math is, blowing my mind.” What’s funny is that Quill’s math was actually completely accurate lol

Stephen having a stroke or a seizure? You good homie?

Soooo if Strange looked to the future and so possible outcomes, what does that mean for the TVA? According to them, there’s ONE sacred timeline, so all other branches are erased (which again messes up what smart hulk eventually says in end game. See kids, this is why you don’t mess with time travel in stories. There’s no way to go back in time without creating a time loop). Ehhhhh I’ll let it slide. Just ignore it... sigh... I can’t help it if I’ve studied paradoxes

Hmmmm not good odds I’ve gotta say...

Watch like, outside of the millions of realities that strange saw, there were like a million or billion more he missed where they won with no casualties lol

Hey Red Skull. Long time no see. How did he get here anyways and why?

Yea you’re prepared all right...

Gotta say, Lord Elrond has seen better days

I’m not ready to say good bye to this Gamora. Gamora and Loki and Nat go down as my favorite characters, gotta say. I know that Tony does and it’s sad, but his feels more satisfying because his sacrifice directly results in them winning. Loki is murdered. Gamora is murdered. Nat died just for a stepping stone for the avengers. She has no idea whether or not they will actually win in the end.

I’m hopeful they may bring Nat back like in the comics, red room clone style.

We got back vision, Loki (kinda), variant Gamora, a new captain America, why not Nat? Yea we have a prequel, but gosh I love her so much.

“You must lose that which you love.” Couldn’t that apply to like an object or something? Could I not throw my Nintendo switch over the cliff? Or my dog? (I would hate that just as much as a person, don’t get me wrong, I’m just curious about the rules)

Yea boohoo sad for Thanos... loses his favorite daughter. I don’t care about him. He deserves suffering.

Poor Gamora doesn’t think he’s willing to do it.. GIRL RUN!!!

Thanos deserves all the suffering.

He does love you Gamora... but that love... it’s selfish. It’s blind... Thanos seems to be a chaotic vigilante who is narrowminded, tunnel vision on his goal with no regards of the cost. But he is evil. If there is ever an alternate route to an end that doesn’t result in the loss of innocent lives, and you know that but you willingly choose the once that costs innocent lives, that is an evil decision. Maybe Thanos isn’t evil, but he’s not good. Far from it. He’s obsessed with this idyllic Utopia but he rushes to one method of getting there. Yes, people suffer. It sucks... it’s unfair... it’s horrible. But it is never the right of someone else to dictate whether or not said person would be better off dead. Who lives, who dies. If Thanos truly was neutral and not selfish, he would have thrown his own life into the mix of the potential 50/50 snap. Thanos is not good. He’s not misunderstood. He’s a murderer. A genocidal cult leader. I have no tears for him. Only for those who suffered more at his hands.

Rant over, time to try not to cry about Gamora...

Her face of realization

Gamora run please

Thanos, I hate you. (Great character her, but not a good person)

Poor Gamora

Oh my gosh the emotion here is great but I’ve heard this sound used as a meme on TikTok too many times aghhhh

Gamora!

What a way to die

I’m crying again. I miss her already...

Who the hell designed this place and put the stone here???? Who did this?

Cry Thanos. Suffer. My only comfort here is that you are sad. You deserve suffering. You really do...

The TVA is laughing here and I’m not okay..

Poor Peter Quill... he’s also lost a lot like Thor, but has had the “luck” of not knowing his family too close.

Wakanda babyyyy

No, you don’t want Starbucks, you want Dutch bros

Lmao I love rhodey. Poor Bruce.

BUCKY BUCKY BUCKY

HUG

NO CMON HAVE A LONG HUG

MALE FRIENDSHIPS ARE SO IMPORTANT.

Yea Shuri show em up.

Okay quick pause, I love love LOVE how Shuri is smarter. It’s a powerful moment for females BUT it’s not done in a way that’s condescending to males! It’s not saying women power because men bad, she’s just good! (And she has had access to technology they never could have but I digress). More of this please Hollywood. Don’t let being a female be the power. I don’t want strong female characters, I want strong characters who happen to be female. Ones who hold their own, have faults like anyone else, struggle, have weaknesses and strengths, but are strong without putting down others. Just a comment, just because a woman character may not be as strong as a man character, that is not saying she’s weak. If you’re the second strongest human in the world, you are NOT weak. You’re just not as strong as the strongest human ever, but that’s nothing against you. LET WOMEN STAND ON THEIR OWN MERITS WITHOUT SEX AFFECTING THEM!

Anyways

I love Shuri

I wish they had more time. She definitely could have done it. But stupid Thanos

Ughhhghhg

I know what many scenes are upcoming... with quill and peter and vision and everyone else

Let👏🏻Bucky👏🏻Have👏🏻Peace👏🏻

Thank you Nat!!! I love that Nat is so protective and selfless.

GET THIS MAN A SHIELD

Bucky needs love please. He’s my stand in, manipulated, greasy, long haired, dark and mysterious, stabby boy. (Also I need Bucky and Loki to meet. But let Loki finish his show (and come out of it alive because if he doesn’t I will sue) and be the antihero hero we need. Please. If he doesn’t get reintroduced into the mcu as a hero I will sue.

Thor, sweetie, are you a masochist?

Back to wakanda

Oh no, bad CGI, floating head Bruce banner. I’ll let it slide... sigh....

Can’t like, you just rain bombs on them forever?

JIBARI TRIBE YEA BOYYYYY

Sorry Proxima Midnight, you look like a frog and your name sounds like a middle schooler’s OC.

How nice. Diplomatic meeting.

“Thanos will have nothing but dust and blood.” Reeeeeeally wish you didn’t say that, T’Challa...

Yay big CGI battle commence! It’s like a really expensive animated cartoon at this point

WAKANDA FOREVER!

Poor Bucky. Forgot this dude doesn’t know much about the modern world.

Ahhhh Kamikazi aliens

I just wanna say that I love that Wakanda still has the artistic culture in their clothing and tradition all the while having badass, super advanced technology.

Why can’t they just rain bombs down the whole fight lol. Rhodey has those super nice bombs, like, do that they he whole time? Please? Why do you not have a barrier around the entire king.

No M’Baku, it’s not the end of wakanda. But half of all life, yea

WAKANDA FOREVER YEAAAAAAA

They should honesty all have nano tech suits like black panther lol. Or iron man suits. Fine maybe the most powerful one with the best quality material for the king, but besides that, yknow.

Wow Steve is hot with a beard.

So much happening at once. Thor, Wakanda, Vormir, Knowhere, am I missing anything?

Okay, but what IS the full force of a star? Like in Newton’s or something? Juls? Is it heat?

What’s this metal? How does it fare with vibranium?

Get off your wooden butt, groot.

“He needs the axe” are you Thor, the god of axes?

Soooo, I thought Thor didn’t NEED the hammer, it just helped him concentrate his powers or act as a conduit. Is that retconned already?

Cmon groot, put down your game. Soooo, is Groot worthy? He technically lifted it. Or is it a technicality because it wasn’t fully finished yet?

Cmon bucky, use that fancy arm of yours.

Wow they’re getting destroyed.

They need wanda to help.

BADASS ENTRANCE BABYYYY

How did Thor know to come to wakanda?

Floaty head Bruce

“BRING ME THANOS!”

Ahhhhhahahaha yeaaaaaa

Cry Thanos. Do it. I hate you.

Much more of a purple grape nutsack.

Oh gosh... I know what Peter Quill is going to do. I still don’t hate him.

“With all six stone I would simply snap my fingers. They would all cease to exist.” Orrrr, now hear me out, I know I sound like a broken record now but... MAYBE DOUBLE THE RESOURCES INSTEAD?? That’s not mercy. That’s not up to you to decide whether or not someone’s better off dead.

Smoosh

Yea quill has experience with the power stone

AIM FOR THE HEAD

Cmon it’s basic zombie tactics

I love peter quill lmao

Go capey!!!

Magic with a kick!

Poor Peter

CAPEY NOOOOOO

Wow he’s OP

Ouch quill just got majorly clotheslined

NEBULA

“Where’s Gamora?” 😭😭😭 SHE CARES AGHHHH

Restrain him! Work it mantis!!!

Why even remove the gauntlet, just slit his throat... kill him....

Quill no... stop being cocky...

Oh no

Quill please don’t

JUST SLIT THANOS’ THROAT

Quill please....

Poor quill. Just lost the person who really really loved him

Okay, I still love star lord. Idc what others think. He reacted realistically. If you hate peter quill for how he reacted, you better also hate Tony Stark for how he reacted to bucky when he learned bucky killed his parents despite knowing for a fact that bucky was brainwashed. Yes it was annoying... yes they were so close, but quill is so human here. I don’t hate him. He gets too much hate for acting like any normal person would have. Distraught, grief filled, he lost his love. Someone who helped him open up and finally move on from his mother’s death and fathers villainy.

Spider man saving mantis gives me life

How did that power stone blast not kill them?

Clearly Thanos has played Majora’s Mask. At least he has good taste.

So close vision.... but I know... I know what happens.

YES BUCKY AND ROCKET GUN CIRCLE.

Lmao give rocket Bucky’s old arm.

“I am Groot.” “I am Steve Rogers.” Comedy gold

Cmon Thor, go after the big one first.

Cmon wanda, save them. We need some scarlet witch magic up here to stop these

Okay that was so cool. AND THEN SHE USED THE BLADES

Oh no but now Shuri is alone

So close yet so far.... Dangit... vision was almost good

Ouch. Bonk to the head

YEA BLACK WIDOW

BADASS TIME

AND OKOYE!!

LETS GOOOOOOO

BADASS WOMEN

Ouch poor vision

Cmon Thor back up vision

Please

Hulk is in his feels

Cmon hulk grow up

Ooooh smart move banner

Aaaaand he’s gone

Giant blade look oit

Corvus, screw off.

YEA STEVE

WHERE IS THOR WHEN YOU NEED HIM

CMON NAT

Oh dang. Nice one wanda. But also, sheesh. Helluva way to go. But no big.

Yea vision. Stabby time.

Now vision and Steve, kiss.

Spider man saving everyone’s lives.

YEA STRANGE

Where was this in New York???

MULTIPLYING

WHY DIDNT YOU DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE????

Oh no

Well then... ouch. Soooo where’s the real stone???

Hey look Tony, you have a fan.

Okay I’m just pissed odd they didn’t just kill Thanos when they had him subdued. Like, worry about the glove AFTER he’s not longer a threat

Oof

Tony is taking a beating

HE WAS STABBED

WHAT

I don’t want your respect Thanos. That’s an insult.

They will remember him. They will remember him Thanos. When he kills you.

DOCTOR STRANGE WHAT?

You really doing this??? I guess he knows what needs to unfold for them to win... dang. I wouldn’t trust him tho.

Peter Quill in berserker mode

Where’d he go?

Name dropping the second movie

Strange knows everything about to go down. Who dies, who lives, what Thanos is about to do... he’s accepting his soon dusted demise because Stark needs to live...

AIM FOR THE HEAD UGHHHHH

Stop teleporting. That’s Loki’s gimmick.

KILL THIS RAISIN LOOKING NUTSACK UGH

Homie way too OP

Poor wanda and Vis...

HER LIP TREMBLE

PHENOMENAL ACTING

SAY I LOVE YOU

I JUST FEEL YOU

AGGHHHH IM CRYING AGAIN

Poor wanda. To have to kill her love... this.. this is a sacrifice Thanos... not your murder....

Wow Steve is holding back Thanos with pure brute

WANDA IS SO STRONG

HOLDING BACK THANOS WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY BREAKING THE MIND STONE

I LOVE YOU

AGHHHHHHHHH

And I know what happens next...

Poor wanda

Piss off thanos you understand nothing

You lost more than she could know? Bull crap. You are causing everyone to lose...

Cruel reality. Wanda has to see him die twice. RIP Vision

RIP half of all life...

AIM FOR THE DAMN HEAD

IF THOR KILLED HIM THEY COULD HAVE USED THE GAUNTLET TO BRING EVERYONE BACK TO LIFE. USED THE TIME STONE TO REVIVE THEM ALL.

How did that not kill Thanos tho. It may not have been a head shot but still.

Lil Gamora

What is this place?

Is this the soul realm?

Thanos, I hope you suffer forever. You deserve all the pain...

Rest In Peace: Vision, Loki, Bucky, T’Challa, Groot, Wanda Maximoff, Sam Wilson, Mantis, Drax, Peter Quill, Dr. Strange, Peter Parker (I don’t feel so good), and everyone else...

Thank you Nebula.

Thanos, you do NOT deserve to retire peacefully—wipe that smile off of your face

Oop, Rest In Peace Maria Hill and Nick Fury too... Motherfu— (so close Sammy boy...)

Yea Thanos you didn’t really think that through. Much more than half will died since other people rely on other peoples lives

Good thing he hit that button last minute huh? I wonder how captain marvel would fare in the TVA? are her powers considered magic? I mean, she clearly doesn’t know everything since she only just learned about Thanos (which is funny because she was supposedly traversing the universe to protect people)

Welp... onto movie two!

[pokemaniacal]

Pokémon Moon, Episode 10: In Which I Am Recruited To A Cultural Revolution

Apparently, just like many Pokémon… Professor Oak has an Alolan form.  He has dark skin, a mullet, and a Hawaiian shirt, his name is Samson rather than Samuel, and he claims to be a cousin of the Professor Oak I know from Kanto, but other than that he seems like exactly the same sanctimonious, incompetent, guilt-tripping whack-a-doodle that I’ve known for pretty much my entire life as a trainer.  Even better, it turns out that this version of him helped to build the Rotomdex, so the aggravating little thing basically worships the ground he walks on.  If he runs research projects anything like his “cousin” does, most of his data is probably gathered by unpaid teenage Pokémon trainers, so I thank my lucky stars he doesn’t seem to have any “requests” for me to take care of, then take my leave as abruptly as I can.  As it turns out, I needn’t have hurried; Lillie has been held up, talking to that woman with the Mudsdale, Hapu, whom I met back on Akala Island.  Still not sure what her deal is.  She’s clearly powerful and makes a point of giving out help and guidance as she travels, but she doesn’t wear a Captain’s wooden clover-shaped insignia, and I don’t think she’s a Kahuna either.  If anything, she acts a lot like Champions I’ve met in the past, but I’m not sure Alola even has a Champion.  I briefly consider tailing her instead, but decide against it: Lillie could accomplish all sorts of treachery with the forbidden knowledge of the Malie Library. I sneak inside behind her, discreetly ducking behind a shelf of magazines as she heads up the stairs.

Once I’m upstairs, peering at Lillie from a distance with my face hidden behind an open book, it becomes clear that she is meeting a contact here.  This slight, purple-haired girl, wearing a ragged, patchy dress, is named Acerola, and she’s wearing a Captain’s insignia.  The conspiracy must go far deeper than I imagined! From snippets of their conversation, I learn that Lillie seems to be seeking a legendary Pokémon called Lunala – “the beast that calls the moon,” who appeared after “the empty sky broke asunder.”  According to legend, Lunala “stole all heaven’s light,” forced the king of Alola to bow before it, and defeated all four of the Tapu guardians.  Then there’s something about “bringing the dark,” “casting a pall on the line of kings,” and “marking the path for all finished things,” fairly standard doom-cult stuff, but then a reference to some sort of mystic union between the moon and sun, which brought new life to Alola.  The line about the sky breaking asunder must refer to an Ultra Wormhole, and Lunala must be an Ultra Beast – one who conquered Alola in ancient times, cut off the entire region from the light of the sun, moon and stars, and ended a great dynasty of Alolan monarchs, forcing the new line of kings to worship it so it would spare their people.  It’s worse than I feared!  Lillie wants to summon a terrible legendary Pokémon to cover the entire archipelago in darkness and crown herself Empress of the Unfathomable Night!  I must uncover more details of her plan, so someone who actually cares can stop her!

Or. I mean.  I guess I could do it.  If no one else will.

Lillie remains ensconced in the library, hunting forbidden lore, and once she stops talking to Acerola I can’t easily observe her activities without alerting her, so I quietly exit the library and head out of Malie City to explore.  I’ve beaten two out of four Kahunas now, and according to Professor Kukui there’s another Captain up on Mount Hokulani, so I may as well go for it.  I acquire a couple of new evolutions – the Alolan Ghost Marowak, the Alolan Persian (who has an odd, deformed-looking spherical head), and Steenee, the evolved form of Bounsweet, a ballerina-like fruit Pokémon who is fast shaping up to be this generation’s exemplar of “Grass Pokémon don’t get nice things.”  South of Malie City, I also discover an entirely new Pokémon – Komala, a blue-grey Normal-type koala Pokémon.  It doesn’t seem to evolve, and its stats are by no means exceptional, and it’s mostly interesting because of a peculiar ability: Comatose.  Komala is perpetually subject to the “drowsy” status inflicted by Yawn, but never actually falls asleep; this effectively confers immunity not only to sleep but to all major status conditions.  I eventually decide to head along the west road to the base of Mount Hokulani, where there should be a stop on the bus route to the summit.  I notice as I approach the bus stop that there are two people waiting already… and then that those two people are Team Skull grunts; B, whom I originally met in Hau’oli City, and the same guy who was with him at the Ruins of Life.  Well, this isn’t so bad; maybe if I can get to know them in a less antagonistic situation, we can build a rapport and… 

…wait, are they… trying to steal the bus stop?

“What? You never see somebody take a bus stop to go before?” the second grunt asks bluntly when he notices me staring. “…honestly? No.  No I have not.”  The bus stop has no shelter or seats; it’s literally just a road sign, with a heavy concrete base buried in the ground to prevent… well, exactly this, as far as I can tell.  Both Team Skull grunts are scrabbling in the dirt around the base, trying to dig it out so they can carry it off.  “Um… do you… need some help with that?”  B looks up at me, confused. “Hey, yo! You trying to steal our bus stop?” he accuses me.  “Best go find your own, ya hear?!” “Yeah, fo’ shizzle!” the other grunt declares.  “It’s on, yo!”  He gets to his feet and calls out his Raticate. “Look, guys, I don’t… can we seriously not do this?  I don’t care, I just- WHOA!” I dodge as the Raticate lunges at me, and send out my Dartrix, who makes short work of it with a couple of Razor Leaf barrages. “Dang, I lost?”  He looks dismayed at first, but then perks up.  “Then my homie’s gotta fight you!  That’s just life in Team Skull.”  B reaches for his Pokéball, and I turn towards him. “Dude, please don’t make me do this; I’d feel like I’m kicking a Togepi…” B stamps his foot angrily. “We stand up even to the strong, yo!” he shouts.  “We stand up, even if it ain’t for long, yo!”  I blink.  That… actually sounds kind of brave.  I mean… it’s a bit weird to take a stand like this over a bus stop, but hey, baby steps. I smile at him. “That’s the spirit.  Game on!” I send out my Slowpoke.  B throws his Pokéball, and a Golbat emerges.  My smile broadens.  “Huh; your Zubat evolved!  Maybe we can make a half-decent trainer out of you yet!”  B glares back. “Yo, we prattlin’ or we battlin’?” he demands.  Well, someone’s got something to prove.  I shrug, and our Pokémon charge into battle.  Or, I mean, his Golbat charges in, and my Slowpoke kinda just sits there, because she’s a Slowpoke and that’s what they do.  The Golbat flies circles around her for a while and gets in a couple of nasty Bites, but inevitably gets knocked out of the sky by a Psychic blast.  With a defeated sigh, B recalls his Golbat, and slouches.  “I don’t know if you care, but that bus stop weighs about as much as a Golem,” he says regretfully. “I’m sure it’s not that heavy,” I say kindly, then take hold of the bus stop with both hands and pull.  It doesn’t budge.  “…okay…” I say, panting, “okay, it’s pretty heavy.” “You really don’t care ‘bout us tryin’ to gank that shiz, homie?” the other grunt asks me curiously. “I… guess a little?  But it’s just a bus stop; it’s not like you’re trying to steal Pokémon again.”  I pause, and take another look at the bus stop. “…are you?  This isn’t, like… some weird Alolan bus stop Pokémon.  Uh… right?” I ask, glancing at the Rotomdex. “Zzzzzt! I’ll give you twooooo guessezzz, boss!” the Rotomdex answers. “Smart-arse.” “Yo, think about the bus drivers!” B exclaims. “If we take this bus stop, they can all chill!” “That’s…” I stop and think for a moment.  “That’s actually kind of sweet.”  B’s face reddens for some reason.  “I mean, I don’t think public transport… really works that way, exactly? I’m pretty sure this would just confuse everyone.” “So you ain’t gonna help us either?” B asks.  I shrug. “Eh. What the hell.”  I grab the bus stop sign again.  “Okay, guys, on three.”  They both take hold of the sign too.  “One… two… THREE!”  All three of us heave with all our might, and slowly but surely, the heavy concrete base begins to inch out of the soil around it… until something gives way, and it all breaks free in an instant, sending us sprawling in a tangled pile on the ground.  A shadow passes over the heap of knotted limbs. “…do I even want to know?” Professor Kukui asks. “Someone’s foot is in my face,” I answer calmly.  I peer curiously at the shoe.  “I think it’s mine.”

Once the Team Skull grunts have left, Professor Kukui and I wave down the next bus and head up to the summit of Mount Hokulani, the site of an advanced astronomical observatory that takes full advantage of the mountain’s isolation from light pollution.  Despite its magnificence, Hokulani is only the second-tallest mountain in Alola – second to Mount Lanakila, visible off in the distance to the southwest.  Lanakila is the focus of Kukui’s greatest ambition; the big contribution he wants his life to make to Alola.  There, at its summit, close to the celestial realm of Alola’s legendary Pokémon, is where he wants to form an Alolan Pokémon League.  Alola’s four Kahunas will appoint a Champion who will be recognised by fellow Leagues all over the world.  Kukui’s plan calls for nothing less than a cultural revolution in Alolan Pokémon training, bringing the region into the 21st century – and Hau and I, the most recent trainers to begin the island challenge, are vital parts of his plan.  Well, I guess as a foreigner, and a former title-holder myself, I am in something of a unique position to help him.  It’s a more persuasive argument for completing the island challenge than Tapu Koko ever offered me, anyway.  For that matter, modernising Alola’s traditions seems like something that would really annoy the Tapu without actually giving them any excuse to smite me.

Before taking on the observatory’s trial, I explore the mountain a little bit, fight some trainers, and discover another new Pokémon: Minior, a floating meteorite Pokémon with a gleaming gem-like core surrounded by a rocky outer shell that breaks apart when it takes damage.  Despite not being a bird, not flying with wings, and not having any wind powers, Minior’s type is Rock/Flying, because clearly the Flying type made way too much sense in generation VI.  When I return to the summit, Kukui introduces me to an old friend and travelling companion of his: a trainer named Molayne, who works at the observatory and was once its Captain (I’ve learned elsewhere that Captains traditionally give up their positions when they turn 20).  By way of introduction, Molayne challenges me to a battle, and my Toucannon obligingly explodes his team of Steel-types – a Skarmory, a Metang, and… an Alolan Dugtrio, whose heads each sport a luxurious surfer’s mane of golden hair.  I… still don’t quite understand why these are Steel-types, unless their hair is literally made of gold wire or something. In any case, Molayne decides that this victory proves I’m ready for the Mount Hokulani trial, and ushers me inside to meet the current Captain, Sophocles.

Wait, Sophocles?  The grumpy-as-$#!t Cartman knock-off who runs the Festival Plaza? 

…yeah. Turns out he’s totally a Captain. A very young Captain, who recently inherited the role from Molayne, his cousin, as a result of “unusual circumstances” that prevented Ula’ula’s Kahuna from appointing a new Captain when Molayne became too old.  Sophocles is… well, doing his best, but clearly not ideal for the role; he’s nervous, awkward, doesn’t know how to talk to challengers, seems more concerned with his inventions and the Festival Plaza than with running the Hokulani trial, and isn’t particularly interested in doing things by the book.  He doesn’t lead me to a special trial site; instead, he has a plan to have his Totem Pokémon come to us, summoning it with an experimental device that broadcasts ultrasonic signals from space (…or something). I am certain that nothing here could possibly go wrong.

Something instantly goes wrong.

Sophocles’ device broadcasts its signal, then immediately blows a fuse, taking out all the lights and triggering a lockdown in the observatory’s security system. Sophocles claims he can sense the Totem Pokémon’s approach, but we’re going to need to deal with the lockdown first – by passing an audio quiz.  The obstinate system opens the lab’s doors just long enough to let in a wild Pokémon every time I successfully identify the sounds it’s making – the Pokémon Centre heal tone, the Rotomdex’s startup tone, Charjabug’s cry.  My Pikachu successfully defeats the Grubbin and Charjabug that turn up first, and my Raticate handles a second Charjabug.  At last, Sophocles’ Totem Pokémon arrives: Vikavolt, an ugly-as-sin but undeniably badass flying electrical beetle, whose aura, in contrast to the other Totems I’ve fought so far, buffs all of its stats.  My Pikachu manages to hurl out a Catastropika and a Volt Tackle before being knocked out, and my Salandit follows up with Toxic.  This whole time there’s a Charjabug assisting the Vikavolt with Mud Slaps and Thunder Waves, just to annoy me.  Finally though, with Vikavolt weakened, my Dartrix finishes it off with Pluck. Meanwhile, Molayne restores the observatory’s power and deactivates the security system, releasing us.  He and Sophocles reward me with not one but two Z-Crystals: Sophocles’ Electrium-Z and Molayne’s Steelium-Z.  Molayne also hands me Professor Kukui’s Masked Royal lucha mask, which he apparently left up here, and asks me to give it to him at Malie Garden.

Returning to Malie Garden, I find Professor Kukui almost immediately, but he’s somewhat preoccupied, deep in a debate with none other than the two Team Skull grunts who were trying to steal the bus stop earlier. “You say you wanna make a Pokémon League?” B asks him incredulously.  “You got rocks in your skull?”  Kukui grins and holds up four fingers. “Four turns!”  The grunts look at each other, confused. “Huh?” “I’ve been researching Pokémon moves, so I’m always ready!  I’ll take you both on in a Battle Royal!”  The watching crowd cheers.  I allow myself a smirk as the grunts shuffle nervously.  Suddenly, B notices me and catches my eye over Kukui’s shoulder.  His expression goes stern and he balls his fists. “F-fine!” he blurts at Kukui.  “You asked for it!”  I widen my eyes and shake my head at B vigorously, dragging a finger across my neck.  This is… not going to be pretty.  Much as I hate to admit it, Professor Kukui knows his $#!t.  As he prepares to battle, though, a murmur sweeps through the crowd.  People chatter nervously, there are a couple of scattered ‘boo’s, and I hear a name repeated over and over: “Guzma!”  The crowd behind the two Team Skull grunts parts as a young man swaggers up.  He’s in maybe his late 20s, dressed in Team Skull black and white, with a shock of white hair, and shows off his team’s stylised S-skull logo in both a gaudy gold necklace and a pair of purple forearm tattoos. “Battle Royal, huh?” the newcomer drawls.  “Nice idea there, Kukui.  You can beat down three Pokémon at once?”  Both grunts instantly adopt postures of total deference. “The boss has graced us with his presence!” “The hated boss who beats you down, and beats you down, and never lets up… Yeah. Big bad Guzma is here!” Guzma says, his voice rising with each phrase.  He raises his arms into the air.  “GREETINGS, COWERING PUBLIC!  We have an exciting bout for you tonight!  In the opposing corner, the Pokémon professor Kukui!  And in this corner, the boss of Team Skull and the hardest guy around, Guzma!” Kukui thinks for a moment, smirks, and this time holds out both hands. “Seven turns.”  Guzma growls at him angrily. “This move fanatic is getting me all riled up!” “Let’s see it then, Guzma,” Kukui taunts him.  “Show me your moves and prove you aren’t all talk!  If you can… right, Chris?”  I blink a couple of times and hastily glance around, searching for some other Chris he might have meant, or perhaps a convenient bush to dive into. “Uh… what?” I ask lamely.  Guzma frowns. “So you’re one of the kids on his island challenge?  You don’t look like Hala’s grandson.”  Where the hell is Hau? Why doesn’t anyone ever make him handle cr@p like this!? “This here’s Chris,” Kukui explains proudly.  “He just moved to Alola recently.  Discovery!  Adventure! He’s loving every minute!” “Love is a very strong word,” I hastily clarify. “It’s… really more of a passive marinating process.”  Guzma chuckles. “You’ve got a Z-Ring, huh, kid?” he observes.  “Why even bother with the island challenge?”  I shrug. “I’m gonna be honest, inertia is a pretty big part of it at this point.”  He roars with laughter. “HAHA! You don’t even know why you’re doing it!”  He turns his attention back to the Professor.  “You see, Kukui?  Here we are, fellow rejects who could never become Captains.  We’ve got all these mouldy old traditions in Alola – the Kahunas, the Captains… it’s about time we cut out all that silly garbage and make something new for ourselves.  Trust me, I get that.  Don’t get me wrong though, Kukui.  I’ve got no need for a Pokémon League.  After all, everyone already knows who the strongest trainer is on these islands!” “Speak for yourself, Guzma,” Kukui begins. “Well, hang on, though,” I interrupt, raising my hand for quiet.  “He’s sort of got a point.”  Both men look at me quizzically.  “I mean, I want to get rid of Alola’s whacko bird cults and volcano rituals and freaky voodoo $#!t as much as anyone.  You could at least cut out the human sacrifices.”  Kukui goes stony-faced at that. “How did you know about-?” “Didn’t. I was totally going off random guesswork and thinly-veiled racism.  Until now. Seriously, dude!?”  He looks sheepish.  “But the point is, there’s no reason modernising Alola means you have to do everything like Kanto and Johto, with a Pokémon League and a Champion.  I mean, have you met Kanto’s Elite Four?  I have!  They live in a castle in the middle of nowhere and they all hate each other!”  Guzma guffaws. “I like this kid!”  I turn on him. “And you! What do you think you’re doing, running a gang with all these… debatably innocent kids?  I mean, these two?  They wouldn’t hurt a fly.  I’m not sure they could if they tried.  How tough do you have to be to bully them around, anyway?”  Guzma is fuming now.  Meanwhile, B is now looking at me with his eyes wide, shaking his head, and dragging a finger across his neck.  I just wink at him.  Guzma looks back and forth between us a couple of times in utter confusion, then remembers his wounded pride. “Watch closely, Kukui,” he growls.  “Someday I’m gonna destroy you.  But first, I’ll destroy everything you care about!  WANNA SEE WHAT DESTRUCTION LOOKS LIKE?  HERE IT IS IN HUMAN FORM – IT’S YOUR BOY, GUZMA!”  Guzma roars and hurls a Pokéball as I send out my Raticate.  Guzma’s Pokémon is a hulking mass of insectoid chitin and muscle that he calls a Golisopod. Okay, I think to myself, it doesn’t look that fast, so- “First Impression!” “Wait what.”  There is a sickening crunch, and my Raticate sails through the air past my shoulder making a mournful wailing noise.  “…ah.” Well, that didn’t work.  I send in my Salandit and command her to use Inferno Overdrive, which puts a dent in the Golisopod, but it strikes back with a Razor Shell that knocks her out immediately.  Huh.  I squint at the Golisopod, and realise what it is: the evolved form of that pathetic bottom-feeding silverfish, Wimpod!  I WANT ONE. Secure in knowing what I’m dealing with, I throw my Toucannon into the ring and fire off a Beak Blast that flattens Golisopod.  That seems to be Guzma’s strongest Pokémon; his only other is an Ariados, no match for a Toucannon.  Guzma becomes visibly enraged as his Pokémon drop. “GUZMA!!!” he explodes.  “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?  NOW’S THE TIME FOR YOUR VAUNTED TEAM TO LET LOOSE AND DESTROY EVERYTHING!” “Dude, chill,” I tell him.  “Has anyone ever told you to get a hobby?”  Guzma just growls unintelligibly, turns around and storms off.

As Guzma leaves, the two grunts linger for a little while, over by one of the garden pools.  The second one jabs B in the side with an elbow and jerks his head over at me.  B shakes his head vigorously and makes a couple of gang signs I still can’t recognise or interpret.  His friend just glares at him sternly, points at me, then turns his back to me, folds his arms, and starts tapping his foot.  B says something to him, but he just stands there, stony-faced.  With a sigh, B slouches over in my direction and fixes his gaze on my feet. “Mmmsrrrrytrrrdt’stlllyrpkmmnn,” he mumbles. “…what?” I ask, genuinely confused. “M’mm sorry we tried t’steal y’rr Pokémon,” he mumbles again, this time just loud enough for me to make out what he’s trying to say.  “Back on ‘mele Island.” “Oh.” I fumble for the words to respond, taken aback by the apology.  “Well, I… um. Thanks.  That can’t have been easy to say.  I’m, uh… glad you felt you could do that.” “Listen,” he mutters, still looking at my feet.  “Don’t mess with the boss, yo.  You don’t want him to get serious.  You’d…” He wrenches his eyes away from the ground and looks right at me. “You’d get straight messed up, homie.” I try to smile at him. “It’ll be okay.  I’ve dealt with bigger, crazier whackos than Guzma.”  B glances back at the other grunt. “Yo, I gotta split.  See you round?” “Definitely.”  As I watch them leave, Professor Kukui presses something into my hand, saying something about a signature move for Dartrix’s evolved form, but I’m not really listening.  I think it’s time Guzma’s gang started standing up to him…

Ridiculous quote log:

“Our safe driving record will absolutely slay you!” …I think you may have missed the essential purpose of safe driving, Exeggutor Express. 

The team:

Tane the Dartrix Male, Timid nature, Overgrow ability Level 33 Steel Wing, Razor Leaf, Synthesis, Pluck 

Rhea the Toucannon Female, Lax nature, Keen Eye ability Level 33 Screech, Roost, Beak Blast, Brick Break 

Ashley the Pikachu Female, Timid nature, Static ability Level 33 Volt Tackle, Hidden Power (Ice), Nasty Plot, Nuzzle 

Hypatia the Slowpoke Female, Hardy nature, Own Tempo ability Level 33 Psychic, Yawn, Façade, Scald 

Soot the Raticate Female, Hardy nature, Hustle ability Level 33 Crunch, U-Turn, Hyper Fang, Focus Energy 

Joanna the Salazzle Female, Timid nature, Corrosion ability Level 33 Flame Burst, Nasty Plot, Dragon Rage, Toxic