#crying never did anybody no good nohow

[hellowallflowerfriend]

Crying Crying never did nobody no good, no how

That's why I don't cry That's why I don't cry ("Crying, Laughing, Loving, Lying," Siffre, The Holdovers)

We just recovered from an incredible amount of snowfall! I walked in the sparkling, whispering solitude the day it came down heavy and felt the joy of a child again. I had made a snow angel earlier in the day with friends, and I ended the evening walking through the snow with my partner to the only open restaurant near us, its lights glowing softly in the sifting, luxurious, unquiet silence.

As the snow days progressed, I found myself thinking and reflecting a lot. I thought of who I am, what I am, and why I am. I was happy to reconnect with a dear friend. He recommended a movie to me called, The Holdovers, stating that it was perfect for the snowy weather, a wholesome movie, and similar to, Dead Poets Society.

I knew it would help me to watch this movie that is inspiring about teaching; I had been previously able to be "re-inspired," in my path in life by watching Dead Poets Society and Freedom Writers.

Well, I just finished watching the movie, The Holdovers, and I am feeling a lot of emotions. The movie takes place at in the '70's at Barton, a fictional private boarding school for all boys. After watching, I am feeling sorrow, joy, inspiration, trepidation, and a sense of being seen.

I am realizing that I have felt stagnant, uninspired, "squished," controlled, and like a bird with clipped wings in my current path for a while now.

One protagonist of the movie, history teacher, Mr. Hunman, exhibits in the movie the sense of truth, morality, and perseverance that I think all of us who are, "called," or driven, to teach hope to exhibit. The movie has a motif of truth vs. untruth woven throughout, and it also does an incredible job of demonstrating the dichotomy of the privileged educator and the, "blue collar," educator, as well as the privileged vs. the unprivileged student. Mr. Hunman even says to his well-to-do student, '"You know, Mr. Kountze, for most people, life is like a henhouse ladder. Sh*tty and short. Maybe someday, you . . . will appreciate that. If you don't, I feel sorry for you. And we will have failed to do our jobs."

Mr. Hunman's friend, Mary Lamb, the (black) kitchen manager is quick to point out that having more doesn't always mean *having more.* This is especially admirable for her to point out, as she just lost her son in war as he attempted to serve his country in pursuit of his college degree. She also still points this out to Mr. Hunman as she is well aware that her son would never see her son attending the, (all-white) "prestigious," school of Barton.

From Angus Tully's perspective, (Mr. Hunman's student,) we are able to understand that having means does not always mean having, "it all." There is a brief scene where Angus' mother sends him a generic greeting card full of cash on Christmas rather than spending time with her son.

Paul Hunman: The world doesn't make sense anymore. I mean, it's on fire. The rich don't give a s**. Poor kids are cannon fodder. Integrity is a punch line. Trust is a name on a bank.

Miss Lydia Crane: Well, look, if that's all true, then now is when they most need someone like you.

I think watching this movie has helped me to reunite with the integrity of what I think a teacher is, and would ideally be. I have had my voice squashed, my creativity stifled, and I have been in an environment where I have felt controlled and small for a while now.

I know that my heart is called to teach with integrity, transparency, openness, and truth. I will not give up on this pursuit, as drained as a feel. I will continue to follow my heart on my path, to find where I am inspired, and to remember that integrity is not a punch line. I will keep showing up, and even if I made more as a waitress, I will give a few years more as a teacher. I will keep being inspired by the integrity in my heart.

I will not cry about this. I refuse to be cannon fodder.