#crimes of grindleald spoilers

[jim-im-a-doctor-not-a-physicist]

The Crimes of Grindlewald review literally NONE of you asked for.

Just a forewarning now I’m spoiling stuff. A lot of stuff. Begone now unless you wish the big movie stuff to be ruined.

Before I begin let me say, I am not a movie producer, or a producer of anything really. This movie alone will make more than I will in my lifetime. I am not an opinion anyone on this will care about. I’m just a person with a blog spouting an opinion no one asked for. I also do not believe nor care if this review changes people’s minds. 

Alright friends, I’m gonna split this review into three sections, the good, the stupid and the bad. I want to make it clear, I enjoyed the movie. I love Newt Scamander and Co. Did it feel like a Harry Potter movie? HELL NO. But did it make me smile and cry? Absolutely.

The Good

Newt Scamander

This is my boy. Anyone who has a single bad word to ever say about Newt Scamander can leave right now. I love him more than certain living relatives. I loved how nervous he was about meeting Tina again. I love how he says what he thinks and how he compared Tina’s eyes to those of a salamander. I love how Tina understood that he was not being mean. I love how passionate he is about his creatures and how uncomfortable his assistant made him. It made so much sense that he refuses to pick sides. Newt fights for what is right, and that is not always simply one side or another. He is the best part of this movie and do not try to convince me otherwise. 

Jude Law

He nailed it. That is so Dumbledore it hurt. The pained expression on his face when they said him and Grindlewald were like brothers was beautiful. He has the same twinkle in his eye and it felt like seeing an old friend again. 

Leta Lestrange 

Look minus her death, Leta Lestrange was exactly what I imagined. Leta dying makes me unimaginably upset. She is troubled, she could have been a wonderful middle ground character, always unsure of which side she is truly on. On one hand, she loves Theseus but Grindlewald could offer her a home that she has never had. The entire movie she had me on edge, waiting for her to flip her already shaking lid. Instead, a character we barely know sacrifices herself for a relationship we never truly saw. 

The Stupid

This section was put in for those who have failed to apply 10-15 minutes of thought on any of these big fanboy problems. 

The Professor McGonagall nightmare

The simple and plausible answer, this is a cameo of one of her relatives, perhaps an aunt or a cousin. Maybe it was a common name at that point? It did not sound nor look like the professor we know so why should we presume that it is her? Someone tweet JK Rowling and ask for answers. This is all I’ve got. 

Creedence’s Heritage 

So remember at some point in the movie when Grindlewald and Dumbledore made that blood pact? Well, blood is weird in the magic world, the properties obtained from someone's blood stays for a lifetime. Like how Voldemort got that protection for Harry from Harry’s blood which originated from Lily. Therefore it would make sense that Grindelwald could call a Phoniex because he has Dumbledore blood within him. Grindlewald is lying to him, he needs Creedence so he can kill Dumbledore and will say anything to get him to help. It gives Creedence even more motive to destroy Dumbledore when he learns of the traumatization of his sister by muggles. It will push him even further into Grindlewald’s waiting arms. 

Dumbledore teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts

He likely taught DADA before getting demoted for being a little sassy pants to ministry officials and at one point falling in love with a psychopath. But he is a fantastic teacher so they just moved him to transfiguration. BAM plot hole solved stop crying already. 

The Bad

Lack of Dialogue

I have one overarching complaint that causes a bunch of tinier complaints, that being that there was ZERO DIALOGUE. That scene where Queenie and Creedence join Grindlewald should have had arguments. I expected to be seduced by Grindlewald to the dark side and I got nada. Queenie and Tina should have had a massive argument about her joining. The only thing that felt it had semi-proper conversating was when Tina and Newt talked about him being engaged. Newt and Theseus should have had a conversation about the fact that he is engaged to someone Newt loved. Newt and Leta should have had a conversation about Hogwarts. Everyone on press tours kept saying how seductive Grindlewald was, but I didn’t see it because he didn’t say enough to seduce me. JK Rowling is incredible at writing character development and interaction and it is obvious she was not a part of the dialogue near as much as she was in Fantastic Beasts and where to find them. 

Leta Lestrange

I loved Leta’s characterization. She was exactly as I pictured her. I ONLY WISH I HAD MORE. She plays a crucial role in both Scamander’s lives and we barely got anything from her. It’s hard to mourn her because I didn’t really know her. Her sacrifice felt out of character and it didn’t feel like Theseus really reacted to it all that much. Now if I had a movie to get to know her and her relationship with the elder Scamander I might think differently. 

It felt rushed

How did Warner Bros make a 2hr & 13 min feel rushed you ask? Well, it’s easy when you’re jumping scenes so many times your head spins. Stay on a scene for more than five minutes, please! This ties back to the first complaint, there is no dialogue.  There was so much that needed to be said and it wasn’t. It felt like a fast and furious movie had an affair with the deathly hallows pt 1 and 2. 

How I, an opinionated fan dork with no movie experience, would fix this

This movie should have been split into two parts, the first half showing Newt’s fame and the letters he writes Tina and him expanding his case. While over in NYC Tina and Queenie and living together while Queenie hides her relationship with Jacob. Meanwhile, Creedence is desperately searching for family and meets Nagini somehow (it isn’t important), and Grindlewald is building followers. All of this climaxing when Newt learns of his brother’s engagement and Tina finding out about Jacob and that magazine printing the wrong name for Leta’s engagement. 

The second movie, it’s been a few weeks, Tina has her new boyfriend and Queenie is seen enchanting in order to keep Jacob with her. Something feels off about Queenie and we’re all a little on edge. Meanwhile, Newt has noticed Tina’s letters have stopped coming and refuses to eat dinner with his brother and his old love. We get some flashbacks to the two at Hogwarts doing STUFF. We see Theseus and Leta arguing over the fact that Newt refuses to show and we see them being a couple. I’m tired of giving the play by play so we’re speeding things up. After this we keep the movie concept the same Queenie and Jacob showing up and stuff up (but with meaningful dialogue) until we get to the Grindlewald concert scene. Everything stays the same until it’s just the heroes vs Grindlewald and that sidekick of his. Instead of all of them immediately changing sides like morons we need some dialogue. He needs to look Queenie in the eye and tell her that he will let her marry Jacob in his new world. Tina needs to be screaming at her sister not to go with a confused Jacob in the middle. Something unforgivable needs to be said by one of them as Queenie joins him. Keep Creedence’s the same I approved of that. Keep everything from that point on the same. I approved of the ending. See how much better this feels? Now I can hear my fellow non-straight people saying that I did not bring in Dumbledore’s gayness into this. Nope I didn’t we are leaving the gay stuff from the original (”we were more than brothers” WOW I AM NOT STRAIGHT) and doing a glorious, long burn love story over six movies. 

Conclusion

I wrote this essay thing one day after seeing the movie. I may edit it. I may take it down because I think it’s stupid. You disagree with me? That’s fine. Would like to debate me about it? Go for it. I know Tumblr and all I ask is that you be civil and constructive. Know that if you aren’t I simply won’t reply nor care about your opinion and my mind will not be changed. Grow up and be nice or die mad about it. 

Update:

Ignore everything said about Minerva. IMBD released a cast list and it’s Minerva. Rowling, you best fix this. Break out those forbidden ass time turners JK cause I refuse to believe you would destroy canon on the big screen.  

Update:

I screwed up the spelling of Grindelwald every single time and I’m so sorry guys I’ve been spelling it like that for ages and NO ONE CORRECTED ME.

Update: 

Who decided to name drop McLaggen in this movie? All his offspring did was be used by Hermione to make Ron jealous? There is quite a bit of fan service in this movie and that by far was the oddest.