#crimen bene factum

[villainous-osha-official]

As the holidays approach, we here at C.R.I.M.E would like to remind you that while not technically required in either C.R.I.M.E guidelines or the Goonion Charter, holiday parties are highly encouraged to boost morale. Some recommendations for holiday parties include: Make sure that a diverse selection of treats are available and account for any known dietary requirements—Mad Chemists Anonymous has recently published a helpful holiday cookbook. Provide optional entertainment as well as, if necessary, childcare. Take this as an opportunity to learn about other cultures. Use the opportunity of the annual company bake sale to finally exact your revenge upon that hussy, Becky—her lemon bars last year weren't even that good.

For heists, hold-ups, and various acts of villany in colder climates, some additional precautions should be taken to ensure the safety of you and your henchpeople. For guidelines on this, please consult Section V-35, paragraphs 19 through 38.

Condolences are extended to the families of the victims of this year's Defrosting Incident. Generally, there are few to no casualties when [REDACTED] is released from [REDACTED] [REDACTED][REDACTED] to wreak havoc on the Heroes, burn The [REDACTED] into the minds of millions, and distract Heroes from our collective schemes. However, due to some unforeseen events involving some Heroes this year's release was particularly violent. Please refer to section V-21 if this occurred to one or more of your henchpeople. Condolences are once again offered to the families of the affected, and all proceeds of the C.R.I.M.E Annual Holiday Bake Sale not already allotted to various Goonion-run charities and shelters, will go to the Fridged Henchpeople's Memorial Fund.

IMPORTANT:

Per C.R.I.M.E guidelines, as well as the Goonion Charter, henchpeople are to be granted holiday leave upon request.

We may be criminals, but that does not mean we cannot do crime safely.

Crimen Bene Factum—Do Crime Well.

[villainous-osha-official]

Yes, hi, I’m a supervillain whose entire schtick is that I’m a duck who is THOROUGHLY inconveniencing. Where do I apply to get an incredibly imposing henchperson who people mistake for the actual crime lord?

Inquiries regarding the obtainment of henchpeople can be directed to either the Goonion, Minions-For-Hire, Villainous Foils Ltd, or any number of other private-sector henchperson agencies. You should receive an answer in 7 to 13 business weeks—or whenever they finish rebuilding an office after a hero got punted out for trying to interfere with normal operations.

Do make certain that you thoroughly have read and understand the Goonion Charter, as violations of said charter can have both hefty fines and severe shortening of lifespans.

C.R.I.M.E cannot be held responsible for consequences of misuse of this information.

Just because we are criminals, it doesn't mean we can't do crime safely.

Crimen Bene Factum—Do Crime Well.