#crappy self para but idk i wanted to write one

[jessicamcrgan]

i’m nobody’s hero—         ft. jessica & justin

Where: Grady Memorial Hospital

When: Saturday, May 20th, 2017 at 2:17pm

Triggers: Abuse, mentions of shooting, gun, blood, surgery 

      “no, you don’t understand, i need that warrant.” the brunette spat out as she held the phone tightly to her ear and paced back and forth. she was frustrated beyond belief, but right now, it was the only thing keeping her afloat. the night had fallen apart at her feet and though she was nowhere near everyone when all hell broke loose at the country club, she was still dealing with her own situation. this was her one chance to take the operation down. it was simple. she got the whereabouts, she’d show up, put an end to it and that would be it. but of course, it was never that easy. there had to be something that made an easy plan fall to pieces, and now she was sorely regretting ever showing up in atlanta in the first place. “i understand i shouldn’t have been there, wilson, but i was. don’t... no, don’t give me that crap. i’ve done more for the atlanta police department in my eight months here alone, then you ever have, so don’t sit there and try to blame me for this.” though, she did blame herself. they got shot because of her. had she just been honest, then things wouldn’t have unfolded the way they have. they wouldn’t be lying a hospital bed right now with a gunshot wound to the chest. it wouldn’t have happened. and though, in a literal sense, she wasn’t at fault, jessica couldn’t help but put the weight of their pain on her own shoulders. “look, i’m not going to ask again, you get me that warrant or this entire fucking case will be shot to hell. so help me god, wilson. if you don’t get it, then he’ll talk and i’m not about to have my cover blown.” again, she spat the words through the phone, getting angrier by the second. “not your problem!? think again. if i go down, i’m dragging the entire APD with me and that includes you, captain. i may not work for you, but i sure as hell work beside you and if this case blows up, i swear to god i’ll make sure your face is the one seen on the news screen. now get me that damn warrant!” without hesitation, jess hung up the phone, not giving him any other choice than to listen to her. she had no real authority over him, so speaking to him like she had, probably wasn’t the brightest idea, but right now, jessica didn’t have a choice. her entire cover could very well be exposed for the entire world to see. thankfully, she had ties with the hospital and getting a warrant for them to keep his admission a secret was easy. they had dealt with cases like this before and so jessica didn’t really worry. what she did worry about was whether or not the person was going to tell the world what they saw happen. after all, they had every reason to and even if she had asked for them to keep it a secret, she couldn’t really wrap her head around the idea of them lying for her.

still, she was hoping it would work out in her favor, despite everything else going on within the last fifteen hours. to make matters worse, just as jess hung up the phone, someone else approached her. “a little birdy told me that you fucked up again.” the words themselves left a bad taste in jessica’s mouth, but when she turned around and caught sight of who they came from, things when from bad to worse. standing there with a smug look on his face was someone she never thought would act this way toward her. then again, what would she expect from the man who faked his death despite loving her? he wasn’t the man she knew any more and though she hadn’t really gotten a chance to move on from it, she definitely didn’t feel the same way as she had before. “risky choice coming here, don’t you think? even with the hood, someone could notice you.” she didn’t bother to give him the satisfaction of knowing she felt bad about this. “no, see, unlike you i actually know how to do my job correctly.” okay, that one stung. it was an insecurity she felt. jess had no idea if she was even good at what she did. she worked her ass off, but sometimes that wasn’t enough. even after all the time spent in the military and all the training she had under her belt, there was still a chance that jessica wasn’t cut out for something like this. not that she’d back down. if there was one thing jess was it was determined. she may have made mistakes along the way but she wasn’t going to let that stop her from doing what she was set out to do. “what are you doing here, justin? come to act like a child when something very serious is going on? that was always your forte, wasn’t it? couldn’t ever leave well enough alone, you just had to shove your nose into everything.” just after she spoke, jess walked right passed him. her arm shoving into his own as she set off toward the other direction. but before she could get anywhere, he was latching onto her, digging his nails into her arm as she tugged tightly onto her. “listen bitch, you don’t walk away from me, do you hear me?” his words were rough and bone-chilling. and as she fought back to pull her arm from him, jess caught sight of dark hues. the man behind those eyes had turned cold and ruthless. it was like he was an entirely different person. he had become so merciless, that in that moment, even she was slightly scared of him, but she refused to say anything. “i came to tell you that you’re done. this case, this town? everything you’re doing, it’s over. i’m sick of watching you fuck everything up, jessica. so why don’t you pack up your shit and let the real officers handle this, or i promise you, i will make the rest of your life working on my case, a living hell.” the scary part about that was that jess didn’t doubt him for a second. he could go through great lengths, and justin’s anger was beyond anyone she had ever known, so there was no telling what he was really capable of.

“do yourself the favor, jess. you’re incapable of doing work like this. all you ever do is get those around you hurt. you’re pathetic. you think you’re some badass because you have a badge and a gun? well here’s some news for you, you’re nothing but the cheap whore who got put on this case because our captain felt sorry for you.” once those words hit, jessica could feel every bone in her body turn to fire. she was becoming furious. since justin had surfaced, the two had done nothing but fight with one another. he hadn’t told anyone about who he was yet, and become jess had blown a mission for him, he tried to stay as far away from her as possible. and now the two of them were like fire and ice. he was the oil and she was the water. they were polar opposites and it was honestly shocking to think that not long ago she was able to say she loved him. now all she felt when she looked at him was disgust. “look at you. you’re weak, jessica. always were always will be. so remove yourself from this case before you fuck up again and get another person shot because trust me, you will. and with you working on this case, all those people you’re trying to save will have no chance. you’re not a hero, jess, so stop acting like one.” it was more of a demand that a clarification. and as the words filled the air, they hit like knives. his voice had risen to new lengths and he towered over her like he was some type of god putting her in his place. but despite how guilty she felt for getting people hurt. and despite how much weight some of his words held, jess couldn’t just let him stand by and say this to her. thus, after a moment, jess forcefully pulled her hand back, feeling her skin ignite was it rubbed against his own like sandpaper. she grimaced at the slight pain, but still stood her ground before him. “let’s get one thing straight. this case doesn’t belong to you anymore. the FLPD thought you were dead, justin. on record, you’re nothing but a missing body rotting at the bottom of an ocean. you ran away from this, so don’t you dare think you can walk in and act like you have any say in this case. you were the coward who decided to kill yourself, rather than taking the mistake like the man you claim to be. so if anyone here is pathetic, it’s you. now before you try making another threat at me, hear this. i will never stand down from this case until it’s closed. it belongs to me now. you lost that chance when you decided you wanted to work alone. so i may not be a hero, but i’m definitely not weak either. so you can take everything you just said and shove it up your fucking ass.” it wasn’t like her to stand up to justin. she had years of training before the police academy, but there was something about him that made her feel smaller than she actually was. and though she could’ve said worse, could’ve been meaner, she wasn’t going to stoop to his level. granted, after she spoke, she couldn’t help the reflect reaction that came and caused her to spit in face like he was scum. ( but to be fair, he was scum. )

however, it was that action that caused him to immediately react by slapping her hard across the face. his hand had sprung forward, vibrating against her skin so forcefully and roughly that she let out a loud gasp and clung to her cheek the minute it processed in her mind. jess had only ever been hit one another time and it was by her father. apart from that, she had never been surrounded by someone who would even think about doing such a thing. which was why she was completely shock and even a little broken to know justin had that power inside him. that he was merciless enough to lay a hand on anyone else. and honestly, she wanted to fight back. however, she held it in. she was strong enough to not let herself lose control. not in a hospital, not with someone she cared about lying in a bed only a few feet away. there was so much more to worry about. so instead, she held her tongue, held onto her pride, and did her best to act like he didn’t just hit her. “we’re done here.” was the final comment before she turned her back to him and headed back into the room. people had always told her to never turn her back toward the person you were fighting, but what other choice did she have. she wasn’t about to stand there and be ridiculed for this. jessica had felt bad enough as it was. she had felt like she failed those around her. like everything she was working so hard for was a complete and total waste. it was a hard pill to swallow and though she didn’t want to take in anything justin was saying, she honestly couldn’t help it. after last night she did feel week. she felt pathetic. she felt like she was failing at being a cop. but she was so passionate about this. she wanted to make her life worth something. growing up, jess was told that she was a lady and ladies sat back and let the world stereotype them as these weak little things who stayed at home bore child. and if that was what a woman wanted, then that was fine. but it wasn’t what she wanted and she wanted to prove to herself and to everyone else that she could become something great. she wanted to take her past of fucking up and getting arrested and turn it around. she wanted her life to mean something... and as much as it hurt to admit it, in this moment, she didn’t feel like a hero. 

it was the first time in awhile where she actually felt worthless, honestly. with justin fading off into the distance, and jess walking back into the hospital room, she felt like she was stuck on this path that was going nowhere. like she didn’t belong here. it almost felt like everything she had done up until now didn’t even matter, because what good was it if she was hurting everyone around her? not just in a physical sense, either. jessica had gotten three people shot in her line of work because she wasn’t good at what she did... and she was lying to good, innocent people. people like jake, liana, connie, seth and so many others. she was keeping this entire secret from them and forming deep and meaningful connection with people who didn’t know who she was. and when it all came rushing in after reality hit the same time justin hit her, jessica felt all the guilt and all the awful emotions she tried to push back, surface. it was like waves of the ocean trying to push her under. she felt powerless and weak. she felt like everything justin had said was true. maybe she wasn’t cut out for this. maybe the girl who wanted to be something bigger than herself, who wanted to change lives and cared so much about making this world a better place, wasn’t meant to be the hero of her own story. maybe jessica was just meant to be the fuck up. the pathetic little girl that even her own mother couldn’t look at. and as jess let the idea of that sink into her mind, she fell into the seat beside the man’s bed and completely fell apart. she lifted her blood stained hands to her face, and broke down. her body felt heavy, her heart and mind was racing and for the first time in what felt like forever, jessica acknowledged the fact that she was nobody’s hero. instead, she felt like she was nothing.