#cracked leather

[zegalba]

Miu Miu: crackled leather satchel autumn/winter 2001

[utilitycaster]

In honor of that poll, which has apparently been answered by a bunch of loser rogue-fuckers, and was also written by someone who doesn't even have the update that gives you twelve poll options, please have a good ranking of sexiest D&D 5e classes, from me.

This only has the 13 officially published 5e classes so do not ask me about classes that are not that. Also, the existence of a handful of sexy or unsexy characters of that class does not a sexy or unsexy class overall make. I'm sure these two statements will not shut down all annoying people but by god I hope they shut down some.

Paladin. Self-explanatory: if you don't agree, you better explain yourself, unless you think they are outranked by...

Wizard. As Liam O'Brien said, what's sexier than wizards? And I said "paladins, but no one else." I'm also going to fuck up an Octavia Butler quote and say that her journal did not explicitly state that single-minded devotion is sexy but it is, and that's why wizards and paladins are, undisputably, the top two.

Warlock. Would be higher than wizards on the basis of sheer raw charisma but some warlock classes (archfey, hexblade) are extremely sexy and some are...pots in need of very unique lids, shall we say.

Bard. This is for competency and knowledge of mythology and musical instruments. If you're into some kind of memeriffic 20 CHA 7 INT Roll To Seduce bro shit, get the fuck out of here.

Ranger. Their combat abilities are not as great as they could be but this is also without a doubt the class that will invite you over and make a delicious foraged mushroom risotto and have lit candles they made themself. They are good with animals and can identify constellations. Entire package.

Barbarian and Fighter are tied. Do you prefer a flow state and passion or do you prefer dedication and persistence? Axe or sword? Raw power or precision? Equally valid; it's a matter of personal taste.

Cleric. One of the gods thinks they're special; it's hard not to be drawn in by that. Also, healing is the sexiest magical ability. Points off for the possibility of sanctimonious behavior.

Druid. This is just personal taste but I would find it weird if my partner was sometimes a giant scorpion, and I feel rangers are just the far sexier nature-loving option. People for whom druids are #1, I see you, I respect you, I disagree with you, but I do think you're valid.

Monk. Here's the problem. Yes flexible; everything else is kind of a solid "eh" for me. Honestly I think it's because D&D separates out dexterity and strength even though monks technically need both, and so the low-strength monk archetype really doesn't do it for me. It's not unsexy but it never wows me, and honestly in real life martial arts is usually more an aesthetic joy than a sexy one for me.

Sorcerer. Often physically attractive but I do not love a nepo baby, and absolutely the class least able to make you breakfast. Class most likely to attempt to make you breakfast and manage to fuck up scrambled eggs.

Artificer. Love the class but unfortunately I can only think of Belle's father in Beauty and the Beast (1991) when I think of what an artificer looks like. Wizards claimed the hot nerd spot; artificers never had a chance.

Rogue. Anyone can wear black leather. Anyone can twirl a butterfly knife and the ranger is going to be better at using it. You know what rogues are best at? Leaving through the window without waking you up. That's it. Bards have the same skills and then some and they're hotter by design. There are other classes with superior physical skills. Burst damage is already not actually that useful in 5e combat and even less so in the bedroom.

[isolarya]

i think cameron likes things neat and tidy and especially clean

that does make him a bit of a hypocrite when he goes back to his room exhausted from his day (this man was given six clubs in the og script + study group + overachieving + homework you cannot tell me he has any energy left at the end of the day) and can't be bothered to put anything away but he tries to be clean for the most part. sometimes the mess builds up and he doesn't like it so he forces himself to clean it all up when he has time

also more personal headcanon but I feel like he would have some degree of emetophobia (with good days and bad days, probably). he's not necessarily a germophobe though

[holland-vosijk-antari]

honestly delighted at the knowledge that adsom happens around a similar sort of time as bridgerton

you just KNOW lila has pickpocketed one of the featheringtons

[faaun]

my research partner and i are huddled in a blanket in paddington waiting for a too-late train i already miss you and you and you

[timeclipsed]

❝FUCK YOU, FUCK YOUR CARTOON CHILI DOG WIFE, FUCK HER STUPID SUNGLASSES, AND FUCK JIMMY!❞

Muffled, getting further away. ❝AND FUCK HIS SUNGLASSES!❞

[spadesofgrass]

absolutely wild crimes mc actually lives in new york city (arguably one of the most expensive cities to live in) - like i don't know if the ginovesi agency gets in a regular influx of high profile clientele pre-trystan, they mostly get the cases the police don't take up and mc can even like, get an apartment above their uncle's bar so anyway here's how nora leads a life of crime

[gophergal]

I'm so fascinated by how a well-worn pair of shoes tells you something about the person who's worn them

[nierielfaegir]

Runs in the family, I guess...

[sillystimmings]

☆ doctor loboto stimboard

x x x / x x / x x x

[mascwoman]

I want these so bad 😭

[magpiesbones]

EITHER MAKE ALL OF YOUR SHOES OUT OF FABRIC AND LEATHER OR STOP FUCKING CHARGING A HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THEM. I SHANT PAY A HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR SHOES THAT ARE MADE OF FUCKING PLASTIC BECAUSE I WANT TO WEAR MY SHOES FOR MORE THAN SIX MONTHS. THANK YOU.

[boilingheart]

i was trying to finish this all in one go but i can't i'm too eeby sleeby so here's a teaser instead

[whumblr]

May we have Zayne stuffing Jay’s mouth with cloth and/or tying him to the bed for snoring too loud? I love the scenes where they have to share a bed

I snorted when I opened this ask. Here ya go, anon :D

-

Sleeping beauty

Two days.

It had been at least two days since he’d last slept.

Emery’s unreasonable demands had sent him all over the city on various tasks ranging from sneaky theft to violent inquiries, and Zayne practically swayed on the spot as he fumbled with the lock to Jay’s flat. He quietly let himself in.

He was glad to finally shed himself of his helmet, heavy boots, and zip down his leather jacket, having worn his full gear both for protection and for intimidation factors pretty much all the time. It worked wonders; usually he didn’t even have to lift a leather gloved fist before people would back away and promise to tell him what he needed to know, and that made things a lot easier. Both mentally and physically. But while he had liked using it to scare the shit out of Jay when he’d first came back here, he didn’t like using it for Emery’s errands. It was just another thing Emery’d taken from him, turning the gear he was so proud into a tool for Emery’s schemes, like it’d become a uniform symbolling his captivity.

He peeled out of his cocoon, and even though he was a little cranky, quietly set his boots and helmet down in the hallway and made for the bedroom.

It was about four a.m., the red numbers on Jay’s alarm told him. That meant he’d ploughed through two and a half nights in a row. He really didn’t have any energy left to wait for Jay to leave the house. Getting woken in the middle of his REM sleep by Jay’s stupid alarm clock was something he’d just have to accept for now. And after Jay’d left, he’d sleep for the full afternoon to catch up on some well-deserved Z’s.

Surprisingly, Jay was fast asleep. More surprisingly, Zayne found himself actually making an effort not to wake him. He quietly snuck around the bed, undressed to his tee and boxers, and carefully slipped under the duvet. Perhaps being absolutely knackered made him gain a glimpse of sympathy for the guy, who pretty much always looked like he was on the verge of crashing down and in dire need of more sleep, or more likely, he just didn’t have the patience to endure the huffing of Jay waking up and making it very clear he was not welcome. He just wanted to crash and fall into a deep, deep sleep as soon as possible.

His body relaxed, immense relief washing over him for finally being allowed to rest as he snuggled up in the warm and soft bed. He let out a content sigh and closed his eyes, feeling himself drift off almost immediately.

But just as he teetered on the edge of the domain between sleep and being awake, something forcefully pulled him back.

A weird snorting sound blurted out next to him, and Jay turned over, mouth slightly open and – to Zayne’s horror and immense irritation – continued his deep breaths with a soft rasping snore.

Any bit of sympathy Zayne might have had completely evaporated.

“You have got to be kidding me,” he actually said out loud, hoping it would wake Jay.

It didn’t.

He didn’t even snore that loud, he had to admit… If Zayne’d been asleep – if he had been able to fall asleep – he’d probably sleep right through it. And he usually probably did, with Jay only falling asleep after he was out. But still, heightened by the lack of sleep, his annoyance rose to an irrational level.

His hand moved in a reflex to his hip, wanting to feel in his pocket for his knife, but his fingers only touched over his boxers and bare skin. Maybe just as well… cutting out Jay’s vocal cords in anger wouldn’t give him the peaceful night he was looking for.

He swung his legs from the bed, didn’t go for his knife and instead walked around the bed and in passing grabbed Jay’s socks and tie from the chair that were laid out for tomorrow morning. He unfolded the socks, flicked one away, and rolled it up. Hovering over Jay for a beat, like a serial killer wielding a deadlier weapon than just socks, he looked down on the snoring man, all snuggled up, content, and blissfully unaware of what was about to happen.

“You’ve gotten way too comfortable with all this, my man…” And with that, he shoved the sock into Jay’s mouth. He caught him mid-snore and Jay woke abruptly with a choked off sound.

“Whu—HM? MMM!!” His eyes widened as he noticed Zayne looming over him in the dark and he tried to expel the unknown gag.

Zayne pressed a hand over his mouth, leaning some weight onto his face and pressing him into the pillow. “No, no,” he tutted. “Don’t piss me off even more, now.”

Jay clawed up trying to get Zayne off. He did, but he snatched up Jay’s wrists, looped the tie around them and tied them together. Then, none too gently, he pulled him over to the side of the bed and tied the other end to the leg of the bedside table.

Fear shot into those wide eyes and Jay mumbled something that sounded like “What are you doing?!” through his sock.

“You said you weren’t a snorer, Jayboy,” Zayne said in a voice way too dark for the situation. “And you’re a fucking liar. So here we are.”

Jay made a high squealed sound of disbelief high in the back of his throat.

“Now I’m too tired to go find that duct tape in the dark, so here’s the deal. If I wake up with my hand on some drool soaked spit out sock next to my pillow – yes my pillow,” he added when Jay found something to protest – “I will make you stay awake for the whole goddamn week.”

He pushed the sock a little deeper into Jay’s mouth and Jay gagged a little but nodded.

“If I hear as much of a scrape of that nightstand moving a damn inch or god forbid it crashing to the ground because you can’t leave that tie well alone trying to get free…” he leant down, hand next to Jay’s pillow as he inched closer until he was sure Jay actually tried to press himself deeper into the mattress to get away, “I will make you regret waking me again.”

The knot in the smooth fabric would probably easily be undone with some pulling, but Zayne was pretty sure Jay wouldn’t dare move a muscle like this.

And true, while Zayne was slowly drifting off, he never heard the breathing next to him settle to a deep, sleep rhythm and he was sure Jay would stay wide awake for the rest of the night.

~Bonus~

Zayne was still somewhere deep under, half dreaming, half getting dragged from his slumber. Was someone whistling…? Or playing music? But then he fully woke and realised it was Jay’s alarm. And it kept playing. Getting louder. With Jay doing nothing to stop it.

“Oi.” Zayne kicked at Jay’s knees under the blanket but still nothing happened. “Turn that off, you gotta get to—” Annoyed, he turned over and glared at Jay who just lay there looking up at the ceiling not making any move to— “Ah…” Zayne pushed over him and despite his morning temper allowed himself a soft grin. “Right.”

With a yawn he got up, turned the alarm off – resisted the urge to leave Jay tied up – and carefully pulled the tie out of its knot. “Bit like those alarms where you have to solve a math puzzle or something before you can turn it off, but worse…” he said in a hoarse voice heavy with sleep. He left Jay’s wrists bound and pulled him out of bed by the tie, getting close up in his face.

“Now then. Go take a shower, quietly. You go get your breakfast, quietly. And then you fuck off as soon as you’re able to and you won’t return before fucking six p.m. tonight.”

As soon as his hands were free Jay pulled the sock from his mouth. “What even happe—?!”

“Ah, ah.” Zayne put two fingers to Jay’s lips and Jay clammed up. “Quiet,” he drawled, removing his hand and pointed a stern finger to the door. “Out.”

-

Continued here

Tag list: @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @burtlederp @castielamigos-whump-side-blog @hurtmebeautifully @rougenoirofthepurpleterror @susiequaz12 @whump-me-all-night-long @rippedjeansandfadeddreams @im-just-here-for-the-whump @restrainthenmaime @freefallingup13 @whatwasmyprevioususername @myfriendcallsmeasickwoman19 @firewheeesky @redstainedsocks @hold-back-on-the-comfort @whumpawink @break-so-beautifully @approach-me-and-ill-cry @painsandconfusion @afabulousmrtake @wormwriting @soopytime @whumpedydump

[cerbreus]

i can't focus on cutscenes when my rook is wearing this armor cause that damn front strap is probably two arm movements away from snapping cause it's so worn.

[flordivina]

// Maybe that leather spaguetti bikini is canon, & it is what Emilia wears beneath her Faceless' robes———?