#coz what's the point in trying for yourself if you'll never be enough for others

[russeliarat]

I'm sorry for not posting good stuff, I just feel so useless at the moment. To keep it not so brief, one teacher is being an utter bitch and as a result, my entire life is crumbling around me. I was sick during an exam last week and only had 20 minutes to even attempt it. The English teacher rung home and told my parents that I'm not trying and I'm doing it on purpose because im arrogant and that I'm going to fail, which basically means that I won't be able to further my desired career and my entire life will be in shambles because later on in life, I won't be able to fund my own courses because im relying on my parents for financial aid at the moment. They're threatening to cut off that aid and not let me do the courses if i fail a single exam because they don't want me to end up like my sister (aka, they don't want me taking Foundation Studies to retake an exam). Keep I mind that these are practice exams and I still have about 2 months to improve.

I've had every thought under the Sun about it and I just don't know what to do. I'm thinking about reporting her to my academic mentor and asking her to tell my teacher to stop calling my parents because this feels like pure humiliation, but beyond that, I have no power. I feel like I'm gonna end up as a disowned failure and have all the opportunities I've built up just crumble away. School is one of the most traumatic experiences of my life but no one takes it seriously and it's genuinely one of the most harmful things thats happened to me. I can't drop out because of laws surrounding schooling and not a single adult around me has offered any support.

[destinyc1020]

If we go by your interpretation, we could have the same assumption about Z not being into Tom as well. How many shots have we gotten of Z looking pretty disconnected staring at her phone with Tom. The only difference is since they have been together longer, we have more pictures. You are making assumption about an almost 1 yr. relationship based on 2-5% sightings. How many times are we going to dismiss any of her other relationship simply to make Tom look better. He may be the better boyfriend for her since obviously they are still together, but we don't need to create a shitty image of everyone she has been with. Y'all don't do that with the ones Tom dated so what is this about. Also, what is the big deal about Z paying a bill. If they WERE together, and not simply dating at the time why can't Z pay in the great advanced and women empowerment yr. of 2019/2020. She is wealthier than JE and everything is crazy expensive in Hollywood, JE said he was sleeping in his car before he was hired for Euphoria, maybe he just didn't have money like that. That does not necessarily mean he did not care. I am sure Z didn't date him for his fortune.

I am not even a JE fan, and I am very aware he must have done something shitty for Z not to pay him any attention, but we don't have make things up to show that Tom is the greatest, the best, the most incredible boyfriend who has ever walked this earth.

You REALLY don't know much about men do you? 😅

Look, I'm not even gonna argue with you, coz you'll learn soon enough lol....

But I'll just say these few points....

Zendaya is usually sharing and showing Tom what's on her cellphone screen if you notice. That's totally DIFFERENT from someone always just being on their phone and not really paying any attention to you. So no, you don't make any sense with your statement.

This isn't about trying to make Tom look like the best bf on earth (even though, he probably IS lol 😂), this is about how a man who's actually REALLY INTO you treats you.

This isn't about MONEY or women advancement or whatever ppl like to make it about. It's about how a man behaves when he's REALLY in love with you.... plain and simple. JE wasn't some pauper, let's get real. 🙄 Even if he has never made as much money as Zendaya, if your man is on a date with you, and he's okay with you paying for the WHOLE TOTAL BILL??? Girl.... he is NOT into you like that. But go ahead and believe whatever you feel like believing lol, coz I'm not gonna argue with you. I just know that even some of my guy friends (not even a bf) wouldn't think about me paying even for myself while out with them, and we're JUST FRIENDS. 😏 It's NOT that the man doesn't think you have money, or doesn't think you can pay, it's that when a man loves and cares for you, he wants to make life EASIER for you and show you that HE cares and wants to provide. Same with opening the door for you... it's not that he thinks you can't open the door yourself... you obviously have two hands... of course you could open a door yourself! 🤣 It's about making your life easier, showing you consideration, and just basically being a decent person lol. 😅 Men aim to serve... it's in their nature. So when I see a man NOT doing even the bare minimum, and this a woman they're dating?? That already tells me all about that man and how "into" that woman he is. Just saying....🤷🏾‍♀️ But you don't have to agree.

And lastly.... nobody is "making things up". You can easily tell with your own eyes the difference btwn Tom and JE when they dated Zendaya. Zendaya has also always looked happier with Tom (imo). That, as well as the fact that she pays JE dust rn (even though he's her COSTAR) should tell you everything you need to know.

[astrophucksspace]

Note to myself

In my life so far whoever I met has always said one thing, "Just don't change you are a good person". I used to smile and say thank you. But now at this point I question myself, am I?

Maybe for them but not for myself. Why do I control my emotions, why have I let my ego go, why can't I scream at someone, why can't I hurt others, why can't I say no to anyone, why do I have to care for others this much. And what have I gotten out of it, just multiple heartbreaks, not heartbreaks actually but I feel there has been no one stopped when I asked them to. Why was I never enough for someone? May be karma, but still. I think I deserve better bonds, better life, better company. But what am I doing for it? Just sitting here and regretting things, am I regretting for being myself!

Never thought of it and I'll regret being myself, but I know I am a good person for others, I make them happy, I make them laugh, I make them feel special, I spread positivity to them, and I heal them. I wish I could have done all to them even for 1%. Maybe the reason is there wasn't anyone for me how I am for others. And it's completely understandable coz there can be only 1 like me, haha. Do I need myself, but how can I be selfish.

Never thought I'd miss old me, I guess he was better for myself. In any situation, I am losing people so it is better to be my old self, but at least in this way I will not affect myself, I'll be happy and I will be satisfied. But anyway I don't know.

Today I realised how much rage is stacked up inside me, and Idk why still I was smiling and didn't let it go. Kinda proud of myself though, but still feel sorry for myself. I can't even express myself. Will others accept me? Will they ever talk to me? Won't they leave me? But how does that matter anyway they are going to leave me. So it is better I'll be myself. Idk how to get back, but now I am a people pleaser, I wanna be cold like others, and I wanna have my ego back! I want to wear my armor back, but it's too heavy, will I able to bare its weight? Weight of thoughts of not letting go, the weight of waiting for other people to let down their ego, and so on. Why would someone let their ego down for me? Who am I to them?

But now I think it's all my expectations from other people, I should take things slow, I should take my time, and I should let their true colors out. Ik it's my fault and will always be.

I am trying, and one day I believe I will attain a better place for myself. Just trust the universe. It's just a phase it shall pass too, I know I am strong enough. Just believe in yourself, buddy. Everyone is gonna leave, you'll stay with yourself till your last breath. I love you, buddy, maybe it's for the first time I am saying this to myself. Funny right! Finally, it feels good to talk to me, coz I tried talking to others but they won't get to know me, I am sorry that I treated you like this. but now I realize, and trust me I'll do everything to make up for my mistakes. Just hang on buddy. I am so sorry to realize this late.

[apple-bread]

You're not enough for what? For whom? If you're not enough for yourself then you're not enough for anyone coz you can never satisfy others so there's no point of being enough to others who just grow their expectations. You have to be enough for yourself. Asking for help means you want to be good for you. If you as me then that's a good start and you'll be enough for yourself one day. Till then I'm here to remind you that you're enough for me and I dont need you to do anything else. I'm here to cheer you to try harder for yourself only no one else. You are amazing and deserve all the happiness in the world. You're useful to me because If you weren't here I wouldn't be writing this coz I'm bored so you helped me when i was bored. Thank you and drink water

actually crying

i literally deleted the posttwo minutes after i posted it and

u came here to write this

and i

i really appreciate this

like

no man i cant stop crying /p HCNAJICKS

thank u, for real

this means a hell of a lot to me

[ditttiii]

Finding Me Through You (Part 2)

A Jungkook x Reader Two-shot

Genre: Angst // comfort (soft) // romance // strangers to friends to lovers // a hybrid AU // college AU // 

Warnings: maybe a curse word?

Rating: PG-13

Word count: 4929 for the series. 3400 for this part.

PART ONE (1)

Summary:   You lose yourself to the feeling of having the man you love, kiss you and it feels like a homecoming. It feels like having the stars align perfectly, it feels like having your world tilt back on its axis. It feels like magic, joy—love.

OR

Jeon Jungkook. The campus heartthrob. Captain of the football team. High School Prom King. Teacher’s favourite. Student body favourite. Anyone, and everyone’s favourite. This is the story of how you went from strangers to best friends to finally lovers and if in the way you somehow found yourself? well that was just a bonus.

Nearly six months have passed since you first met Jungkook. You were still a little shy and quiet, but with Jungkooks' help and his constant support and soft reassurances, you had slowly started to come out of your shell. You were in no way shape or form anything like Jungkook was, but you also weren't the doormat that you used to be, and for that you were thankful. 

You hear the sound of approaching footsteps and before you can turn to take a look, an arm is suddenly over your shoulders pulling you closer into someone's side.

You let out a quiet 'umph' and push your hair back from your eyes, craning your neck up and shooting a glare as your eyes catch that of your best friends. 

Jungkook in response only grins wider, ruffling your hair as his hand finds its way to your scalp. With a squeal, you duck and try to push him away, the sound of your laughter ringing in the air like wind chimes in a breeze. 

"Stop! Kook, I swear—Eeepppp!" Your warning is cut off as Jungkook moves his hand from your shoulders to your waist and pulls you closer. Your body slams into his and the breath gets knocked out of you from the impact. You blush as you feel his solid, corded muscles from even under the layers of both your hoodies. 

It was no secret that your best friend was hot—ridiculously hot, you have always known that. Even in the past when you two had been barely acquaintances at best and strangers at worst, you knew he was hot. But the only difference between now and then was that you didn't care before. However, now as you feel his warmth seep into you from between the layers of your clothes, you can't not care. You avert your eyes from his and scratch your ear, casually pulling your strands free from behind where they were tucked and create a curtain of hair over your flaming red cheeks. 

You hear Jungkook laugh at your attempt at ignoring him and feel as he leans down to leave a soft peck on your head. The feel of his full, soft, lips tangible, and real even through the many strands of hair in between.

Sometimes you think Jungkook is the best thing that has ever happened to you, while other times you think your friendship is like a rose, lined with thorns unseen from a distance. Thorns that were your feelings for him, the same feelings which while you couldn't see in the past, now you were fully aware of. The constant prick of them is a presence in your heart both comforting and not.

"What's your next class?" You ask in an attempt to distract him and his attention away from you. It works as you see Jungkook tilt his head to the side and squint into the distance. Deep in his thoughts, as he tries to remember his schedule. 

You think it's unfair how good looking your best friend is, how ridiculously, unfairly good looking he is. His eyes, a soft shade of brown that are always warm when looking back into yours, are big and doe-like, forever curious and inviting. Sometimes, you think if you look into them long enough you'll drown in their depths. You'll drown and never find your way back and then you wouldn't want to because you like being lost more, and—that, That scares you. 

It scares you so much because you have never felt so strongly before. So powerfully that, it's like every single cell in your body calls out for Jungkook, longs for his presence more than it wishes for water or air. Your feelings have never been so consumingly deep—true and as your eyes track the way your best friend's lips move as he talks, you think maybe you never will again. Not after him.

And somewhere deep in your heart, something twinges painfully at the realization that this is it for you. You will forever be that girl in love with her best friend, the one whose love was, in the end, left unreciprocated. 

You snap your gaze away from Jungkook and to the hallway in front of you, as your eyes burn with repressed unshed tears. Tears that you will never let fall, because you would rather choose death over letting Jungkook feel guilt for your feelings.

However, as his hand makes its way back to your waist, the burn grows stronger, the sting in your throat, sharper as you try to ignore the way your heart races, the way the skin under his hand tingles and instead fake a laugh, forcing a normal facade over your longing heart as you continue to pretend like every second of having him close but not yours wasn't slowly killing you. 

You groan as you shift your bag higher up your shoulders, the strain, an annoyance that you hadn't expected to feel in college. 

'What's the point of passing out from high school if the textbooks are just going to get thicker and more unbearable?' You think to yourself as you make your way across the campus, to your next class. 

As you walk by the cafeteria on your way, from the corner of your eyes you see a group huddled around the edge of the cafeteria. You raise your eyebrows when you see just who is in the centre of that group.  

'Ha Rin' your brain supplies in helpfully and you slow your steps, curious to see what Jungkook's ex-girlfriend has been up to, since their breakup last week. They hadn't dated for too long, maybe two weeks. When you look back at it, you don't think that in the time that you have known Jungkook, you have ever seen him date anyone for more than a month. 

It was something that confused you at the start, the boy who had stepped up to defend you— a virtual stranger, was actually a player? It had been months since that realization on your part and while you have slowly come to accept that dating was just Jungkooks’ way of living, it always caught you a little by surprise hearing about another one of his breakups. 

In some ways, it was a reminder that he would pick every other single girl in college before he'd ever consider dating you, and 'Even then he'll probably choose not to date instead', you think annoyed and a little jealous. 

You don't have to look too hard to see what Jungkook must have seen in her. She was undeniably gorgeous, her hair was long and lustrous, her smile wide and beaming. It wasn't hard to see why most guys in your college wanted her, while most girls wanted to be her. You look at the way she throws her head back when she laughs and feel a stab of jealousy run through you at the realisation that, no you'll never be that graceful. 

Tamping down the green, ugly feeling in your stomach, you move to walk away from the group. Hurrying past the group in the cafeteria, you walk as quickly as you can to your next class, but before you can leave the cafeteria, you catch a part of their conversation that makes you pause. 

"—ugh, seriously I don't know who Jungkook thinks he is but I would never let a guy cheat on me and then continue to date me. I mean can you believe the audacity of that guy, sleeping around with other girls while he's in a relationship with me?! No wonder he's as popular as he is, whoring around through half the college will obviously do that for you. He's honestly disgusting, and I am so glad I broke up with him coz like ugh, walking STD much?" 

Your eyes widen as you hear that and register the voice of the speaker as Ha Rin in your brain. Your hands' clench and your claws feel sharp, as your usual iron-clad hold over your anger slowly starts to slip, the more you hear her talk. 

She was talking—lying, about the man you were in love with, the man who had painstakingly taken care of you for the past six months, the man who had pulled you out from your own shadow, the man who had held you close and rocked you to sleep as your tears soaked through his shirt on nights when you couldn't even bring yourself to breathe through your tears and snot—too disgusted by your skin. 

Jungkook had made you fall in love with yourself, just as much as he had made you fall in love with him. Your best friend was many things, but a cheater he was not. 

Blinded by anger and fueled by your newly discovered protective instincts, you march over to their table. Your feet slap hard against the pavement and the sound of you walking, resounds through the cafeteria like an ominous warning before an approaching storm. 

-SLAM-

Your palm comes crashing down, over the surface of the table Ha Rin was sitting on as your gaze locks with hers. Her eyes widen and you lean in closer, the blood in your veins thrumming with anger and your breaths coming out in tiny angry huffs. Your hybrid instincts take over as they shift to protect what you consider family, and you let your eyes turn into slits, menacing, dark, and beyond furious. 

"I am sorry, I don't think, I heard you right, did you say Jungkook was a cheater?" You ask in a deceptively calm voice and the table under your hand creeks, as you lean in closer to her. Your lips pull back in a snarl as you ask that and you can practically sniff the fear oozing off her as your eyes track the movement in her throat, hear the sound of her gulping. 

While Ha Rin was gorgeous, stunning, and elegant in ways you would never be, you were strong, sharp, and lethal, in ways she—a gazelle hybrid would never be. 

You pause, watch her pupils shake, track the drops of perspiration across her forehead, and wait for her to answer. After a few minutes of stunned silence pass, you lean back a little as your eyes glance over everyone gathered. 

Once you are sure that everyone's attention is on you, you growl out, voice still low but not any less menacing, "Jeon Jungkook is not a cheater. Never was and never will be, and anyone pathetic and desperate enough, to be making up lies like that about him, will be answering to me, and I assure you that I won't be so nice next time."

For the first time ever as you leave a stunned, scared crowd behind in your wake, you feel proud. While you might never be Jungkooks' girlfriend, you were his best friend, and to you, that matters more in all the ways that count. 

Your face feels flushed and your legs feel like Jelly as you walk out of your last period class. Your sudden bout of bravery hadn't quite fully sunk in until you were sitting in your class surrounded by your classmates, most of whom were giving you varying looks ranging from scared, to awed, to impressed? 

This feeling of being seen is foreign to you. While your popularity has definitely soared ever since you had started hanging out with Jungkook, it was never because of you or anything you did. You were just Jeon Jungkooks’ best friend. 

But this time, it's different. 

People are looking at you, seeing you for who you are, and not just as someone's best friend. It is a novel, foreign feeling—one that you haven't felt before, but also one that when you think about it, you would like to feel more often.  

You let out a giggle as you think that, your cheeks still flushed, feel warm as you look up at the clear, blue sky. The late afternoon breeze feels cool on your skin as you stroll through the campus grounds, a mile-long grin stretched across your face.

"Y/N!!!"

Before you can turn to greet him back, he is slamming into you, and the breath leaves your body—again. 

"Dammit, Kook! You seriously need to stop doing that before you dislocate my spine, you freaking giant of a human" You playfully grumble as you push Jungkook away with a soft huff and push your hair back, wincing a little when your feet still feel a little unsteady. 

"Are you kidding me right now, woman?" You hear Jungkook speak and then you are in his arms, your feet off the ground as he holds you up high and all you can do is squeal in surprise. 

"The hell Kook! Put me down! What's gotten into you?" You question, your voice shrill and surprised as you wrap your arms around his neck. The thickly corded muscles of his shoulder feel bunched under your grip, and it takes every ounce of self-control that you have, to not blush.

You look down when he doesn't answer and freeze, too lost in your thoughts and worries about blushing, you hadn't noticed how close you two were before. 

But now as you look into Jungkooks’ twinkling, deep, brown chocolate eyes, see the small mole under his rosy lower lip, feel the small, warm puffs of his breath on your face, you realize just how close your faces are. 

Your breathing goes shallow as your eyes flicker all over his face, trying to capture every single detail—from the scar on his cheek to his fuller lower lip, you trace every single feature of his, your actions seemingly beyond your control. 

When your eyes finally snap back to his, you see him already looking back at you, his eyes soft and brimming with fondness, and you don't know—don't understand why.

"Wh-what is this about?" You ask softly, not wanting to break whatever spell has been cast, whatever bubble, the two of you have built. 

Jungkook hums, the sound coming from somewhere deep in his chest, echoing and flowing into you, from where you are pressed tight close to him.

His eyes search yours and yours shy away, flicker down to his throat where you see his Adam's apple bob, as he swallows and suddenly you feel parched. 

"You fought for me." He states, and your eyes snap back over to his. 

"Huh?" You reply back incoherently as your thoughts feel fuzzy and unclear, so close to him. 

"At the cafeteria, you fought with Ha Rin for me, defended my honour. Why? You don't like confrontations, why did you do it then?" Jungkook asks as he slowly lowers you back to the ground, your chests brush against each other, not a sliver of space between the two of you and your hands unconsciously grip his shoulders tighter, too afraid to let go and somehow lose this closeness. 

You try to think through the fog in your mind to find out what Jungkook is talking about. 

However, your remembrance of the scene from the cafeteria earlier serves as a bucket of ice-cold water being poured over you, and you are snapping back to reality, stumbling away from him as your cheeks flush and your heart races. You suddenly wish to run far, far away. Avoid this conversation, as all your bravado from earlier slips and flows down the metaphorical drain, leaving you feeling vulnerable, naked. 

'Stupid. Stupid! How are you going to explain that, you idiot?' your panicked brain supplies before continuing, 'As if having feelings for your best friend wasn't bad enough already, now him and probably the entire university knows about it too.' 

You try to create some distance between the two of you, but before you can move too far Jungkooks’ hand wraps around your wrist and pulls you closer to him. Your sweaty, cold hand leeches away at his warmth as you try not to make eye contact with him, your hope is to be subtle, but you don't think you are.

"Hey, listen to me," He says and grabs your chin softly, turning your face closer to him as his thumb absently rubs over the cleft in your chin. The feel of his calloused thumb over the soft skin of your chin has your face bursting in colour as your pulse rises embarrassingly fast.

You try to mumble out a 'yes', but it sounds incoherent even to your ears, and so you clear your throat and try again, voicing out a soft 'yeah' instead. It isn't much of an improvement, but you also can't bring yourself to articulate better and so you just force your eyes to meet Jungkooks’ and hope that he understands.

Thankfully, he does and then proceeds to take the lead. 

"Hey, it's alright okay? I am not mad or angry or whatever it is that you think I am feeling in that head of yours" He says, tapping your temple softly to emphasise his point and then continues, "I think what you did today was brave, admirable and badass!" At this he grins and gives you a little shake until you finally let out a smile off your own slip and snort out a soft "dork" under your breath.

"I am proud of you." 

Your eyes soften as you hear that and you feel your eyes burn again with unshed tears. 

You let your eyes lock with Jungkooks and feel as his grip over your chin loosens and both his hands, travel to your cheeks, finally curling around your jaw and cradling your face, his fingers slipping behind your ears and softly caressing the sensitive skin there.

The feel of his hands splayed over your skin like that, so soft, so gentle—as though you are an invaluable porcelain doll, has tears springing to your eyes. 

Tiny, warm, tear droplets pool out of your eyes and slip down your cheeks. 

The sight of your tears has Jungkook tightening his grip on you, his face inching closer to yours as your hands find their way to his hoodie, grasping the material and fisting it. 

"I love you," You tell him, tired of keeping your feelings to yourself, you finally let them out. Let your lips form the words, your heart feels every time he is close to you, every time he looks at you as though you are his entire world. 

Maybe you are deluding yourself, imagining things you want, wishing for things that aren't there. But as you look back into Jungkooks’ eye, see them still softened, warm, gentle and brimming with love, you think maybe you're not. Maybe, just maybe, your best friend is in love with you too. 

You inch closer, hesitant but assured by the knowledge that Jungkook hadn't yet pushed you away either. 

You move an inch and Jungkook moves two, the two of you closing the space between together. Symbolic of how your relationship works, how the two of you always stand for each other, protecting, caring—loving, the other. 

Your lips touch his and the first caress, leaves a shiver down your spine. The feel of his full, soft lip is like paradise between your lips. The feeling, everything that you had hoped, dreamed of and more. 

His arms wrap around your waist and bring you closer until there isn't a hairsbreadth of space between you two.Your lips move against each other, full of pecks, soft bites, tongue, lust and love.

Pulling back away from you, he looks into your eyes and you no longer see a boy or a man. No, you see your entire world, your rock, the being your very soul is in love with. 

And then he says, "I love you too" and it's perfect. This moment the two of you have created—magical, surreal, beautiful and oh so perfect. 

You laugh and it comes out sounding wobbly. You think you might be crying but then you look at Jungkook and he is crying, and you think it's okay, and then you kiss him again. Your cheeks touch and his tears mix with yours and it feels like nirvana. 

You lose yourself to the feeling of having the man you love, kiss you and it feels like a homecoming. It feels like having the stars align perfectly, it feels like having your world tilt back on its axis. It feels like magic, joy—love.

A/N: 💖

[witchysleepingbeauty]

Hi, Reversed✖️ here. I really would like to hear your opinion on how to sort out this difficult and sad situation

I can't deal with it alone anymore, especially to analyze it objectively

So um my parent, in front of a guest, took out their anger on me ie screaming, totally losing it, cursing me out coz I took a half min to fetch smth (I was already doing smth else for them) aka huge, nasty reaction. This was def not coz of the delay in the errand btw

Started ranting real ugly, getting louder and angrier (in front of the guest yay me right?😄) Ik my parent (P) has underlying issues (pain in their body which they always refuse to get treated for at a hospital whenever I suggest so (and if I offer to massage or bring an Ice pack I get passive aggressive snide remarks for 'pretending to care and be helpful'))

Any way screw that. My point is Law-related. so in this ugly rant (in which ofc parent brings up shite about me, personal effing shite), they shouted how I have 'no goal' in life bla bla among other things

Per EIYPO, is this a reflection of their own limiting beliefs/issues (eg lately all they do is complain with venom abt how things never turn out okay and how 'everything's messed up' etc. So it definitely could be how they feel)... OR is the, somewhat humiliating rant, an indicator of my inner reality and deep buried assumptions?

Tbh l want to cry, especially coz ik they're being like this coz of bodily pain, and ik they're not feeling great being like this either

Sadly, I'm getting triggered. Up until last year, I used to be in a very dark place. I'm working on my self now, and for the most, I'm better equipped to deal with my personal issues (the Law helped me realise how assumptions, thoughts could help me see a point in living; aka it gave me hope). Now even limiting time with P isn't enough. I tell myself idc what they keep saying about me, but I can't stop them (I mean if I talk back, it gets worse yk? If I try to explain, I hear this classic one "Oh so YOU'RE perfect right? You're the only perfect person in the world"... Yeah, it gets old real fast)

It's lame, upsetting. I don't wanna fall in the deep end again. Btw I've always been the one who's listened to P when they want to vent or wanna discuss their interests (even if I'm not that interested, coz ik what it's like to not have anyone interested in ur likes lol). Point is, is their behavior (the screaming outbursts and insane cussing + sometimes I do shudder at their scaring-the-yk-what outta-me expressive hatred of my existence - which they themselves have acknowledged btw aka I've heard them tell others how I've made them negative and unhappy... 😐), So is their behavior reflective of their own assumptions about me OR is it MY deep-buried assumptions reflecting in them?

I don't get it. On many damn occasions they've told me I'm the one who's at fault for 'everything' and, you'll like this one, "how I deserve being treated like this"... I've even asked them what I've done to them, but my P has communication issues (which I've taken as smth to learn for myself so I'm happy I could be mature enough to realise what's healthy and unhealthy communication, work on this and be better), which means, unfortunately, it's tough to get a straight answer back other than defensiveness, accusing me of criticising them bla bla nvm that's the old story (and by old I mean literally old), so idk

Like... Eff it all huh? I try to focus on myself and different aspects of my life, minimize confiding stuff about me, learned to not rely on them too much but idk. It's starting to affect me a lot, you understand right?

As I type this, I realise I'm REALLY hurt by P's shouts and their tone of NOT love. I forgive them for their rants, but how can I feel it in my heart that they don't hate me?

Working on your self concept and learning to love yourself after years then being treated like this insanely messed up my mind. What's the point? I'm getting all those old feelings back. It was so hard to yk, stop living in the dark. Eff me ig. Anyway, EIYPO, mb I gotta persist more on setting boundaries? Allow myself my feelings then move on?

Thanks so much, love

Reversed✖️

Please, nothing abt moving out. I already have distanced myself, unconsciously I now realise, from them. I'd really appreciate it if I could understand how to feel better regarding this situation by changing my concepts, or assumptions or at least understand why I'm so affected

First of all I am so sorry you have to go through this every day, I know you’re a beautiful person and it’s not your fault and you do not deserve it.

Now let’s talk about the law. Everything you see in your reality is a reflection of your own inner world. You create everyone and everybody, nobody can have a belief that you haven’t created them to have.

Also I see a lot of limiting beliefs in you “my parent is in pain and they take it out on me”, “my parent has communication issues.”

I know it’s not the easiest thing to deal with but if you want to change the situation you need to stop attaching these labels to your parent and instead changing them to something positive.

I am not going to tell you it will be easy because we are talking about years of trauma and abuse, however I do want to encourage you to not allow them to treat you like that, physically speak up and also to really consider moving away from that person.

I hope this clarifies some things and I wish you the best. If there’s anything else I can help you with feel free to message!

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

anon whom u asked to elaborate

(I'm a girl 17)I've had guy crushes bit i never wanted to be physically close to them or wanted to be in a relationship with them, not that that situation would've ever arised

but I've been questioning my sexuality for over a year and half now and i THINK i like this girl but i feel like it's not real and i want to be in a relationship with her and want to be close to her but idk if I'm REALLY attracted to her like 'butterflies in stomach' thing didn't happen but i was excited(maybe coz i know she's straight but idk)

and even in future I'd like to be with a girl(physically and emotionally also im pretty sure that im sexually attracted to them) but idk if I'd ever be attracted to them in a way they deserve and with boys i don't think it's physical atleast, idk about emotional cause I've had crushes and all

and i read your last reply and u said if in theory i think i am attracted to them thing but then every bi curious person is bi and so on?

and i think i have the potential to be attracted to women in future but it seems fake( this can also be because of the fact that i know zero lgbt+ people in real life and probably never will because of the situation in my society)

and ik you'll probably say it's internalized biphobia nd like yes maybe but it's been such a fucking long time it's frustating and i still haven't reached a conclusion and i just can't overcome it and I'm exhausted

Thanks for elaborating. And sorry if that’s not the magic epiphany you want to hear but yeah, a lot of that sounds like internalised biphobia/lesbophobia to me.

I would urge you to reread your own message again and maybe imagine it was someone else, maybe a good friend of yours, saying those things to you. What would you think or say to them if they said something like:

“i want to be in a relationship with her and want to be close to her”

“in future I'd like to be with a girl (physically and emotionally also im pretty sure that im sexually attracted to them)”

“i think i have the potential to be attracted to women in future”

Do any of these statements sound to you like something a heterosexual woman would say? To me they don’t. You are literally saying in various different ways that you are attracted to woman and desire them romantically and sexually. Straight women do not desire romantic and/or sexual relationships with other women. Straight women do not have the potential to be attracted to women - by definition they don’t bc they are heterosexual = exclusively attracted to men. Everything you say confirms that you are attracted to women = that you are NOT straight.

And all the doubts that you are having are internalised crap that’s holding you back. And yes, sure, living in a queerphobic environment where other LGBTQIA+ people are erased (I’m sure they exist around you but have to be closeted), puts you in a very tough position to explore and accept your sexuality. If you cannot connect to the queer community offline then at least try it online, try to talk to people here.

I also want to get into something you said regarding girls which was “idk if I'd ever be attracted to them in a way they deserve”. What do you mean “a way they deserve”? You don’t owe anyone attraction one way or another. Either you are attracted to someone or not. And there are probably as many different ways to be attracted to someone as there are different people. To some you may not be attracted at all, to others a little bit. To some the attraction might be purely sexual or purely romantic or something else entirely or a mix between all of it. And maybe after some time you realise there’s a pattern, for example that whenever you find yourself attracted to men it’s only or mostly sexual without any desire to pursue a romance there; but when you find yourself attracted to women there is more romance involved. Or maybe there’s a different pattern or none at all. But attraction just ~happens~ and it’s nothing that you are obliged to feel a certain way.

If you want to identify as bi then you can, even if those “attraction patterns” aren’t the same for every gender. It’s fine to be bi while having different desires for different genders. And for some bi people, romantic and sexual orientation don’t align perfectly, so you could also see if the split attraction model suits you (for example: bisexual/homoromantic). But to go back to that statement of yours: nobody “deserves” to be attracted to at all. You got that wrong here, my friend. You don’t owe it to anybody that you are attracted to them one way or another. If you have feelings for someone and you are afraid that they aren’t “strong enough” or aren’t of “the right kind” that’s for you to decide and I would always recommend to play with open cards and be honest to the person about feelings and fears and all that. And then they can decide for themselves what they want to make of this information. But nobody ever “deserves” to be the object of your desire in a certain way. Scratch that! It’s a very unrealistic and unhealthy way to look at attraction.

I understand that you are exhausted, that this seems like it’s not going anywhere. But then also consider how far you’ve already come. Think of yourself a year or two ago or even further back and see how much you’ve already learned about yourself. The fact you’re able to reflect on your sexuality that much is an achievement and you can be proud of it. Asking for help and advice is also something to be proud of. I do have my usual “getting rid of internalised biphobia” post here but in your case I would like to primarily advise you to be kind and patient to yourself. And start believing yourself! When you find yourself thinking “I have a crush on this girl/I am attracted to her/I want to be in a relationship with a woman” then remind yourself that those are not the words of a straight women. Try to kill those doubts with pure logic. I can guarantee you that no heterosexual woman desires sex or romance with another woman - if she does then she’s gonna realise sooner or later that she’s not really been straight after all. And furthermore: don’t waste too much energy comparing your feelings for women to your feelings for men. It can be interesting and for some people it’s helpful but for others it isn’t. If it doesn’t get your forward to compare that then just don’t and remind yourself that bisexuality doesn not mean you have to be equally attracted to all genders. It can be different and you don’t need to pick it all apart in detail if you don’t feel like that helps you at this point.

Maddie