#couldn't figure out what images to put in this that wouldn't be bland or repetitive

[tev-the-random]

The Sorting of Empires SMP - Season 1 edition

Have you ever wondered what Hogwarts houses the rulers of Empires would be in? No? Well, I definitely have. I'm quite fond of doing some short character analysis.

So from the heart of someone who knows way too much about Harry Potter and Empires SMP, here's my take on it:

Gem - Ravenclaw

I feel like this one is a given.

Gem’s character has a very heavy focus on being studious, on earning her magic through practice and experimentation — and, consequently, creation. She’s a quick learner, able to adapt an ancient elven spell to contain Xornoth, use the Staff of Mythland to send Sausage to the Spirit Realm and concentrate her fire magic into something stronger than the depths of the Nether. She was also quick to start studying the corruption, the demon and Violet herself.

Gem earned her wizard hat and powerful reputation through her skill and dedication, and then made sure to spread that knowledge by creating a Wizard Academy all on her own, potentially redefining the way magic was taught throughout all the empires. Her curiosity, her desire to teach and to learn, her thirst for knowledge in all fields she can possibly reach for are the trade mark of a Ravenclaw.

This, however, also gives Wizard Gem the bad trait of often thinking she’s the smartest person in the room. She rarely accepts the suggestions or help of others, even if to her own detriment. Even when she doesn’t know what she’s doing at all, Gem holds herself on the higher moral ground, to the point where she can be hypocritical towards others. It isn’t to say that she’s arrogant, but, more often than not, she bites off more than she can chew and then refuses to back down.

Of course, Gem becomes humbler as the season goes on and she realises the errors of her actions. At the end of the day, she’s not after power. She only seeks to learn from her mistakes.

Fwhip - Slytherin

Now, I was heavily debating between putting Fwhip in Slytherin or Ravenclaw. As an inventor and redstone genius, he has the potential to join his sister.

However, what ultimately puts him in the snake house is precisely the fact that his type of intelligence greatly differs from Gem’s: Fwhip isn’t necessarily studious or academically inclined. Instead, he chooses to tinker with the world around him, to learn by cracking things open and analysing their insides to see how they work, to implement different things together and watch the result. He is the kind of person who sees something that can be improved and improves it, sometimes out of necessity, sometimes out of sheer curiosity. Even when things explode on his face — which isn’t rare, — he keeps trying. This shows the ambition, ingenuity and determination worth of a Slytherin.

Fwhip can also be quite resourceful: when Gem suggested they should send their enemies flowers as to not aggravate the conflict, his mind, determined to keep said conflict going, quickly went to the wither rose — an item not many think of when they say “Minecraft flowers”. He is able to incorporate salmon and redstone ore to many of his contraptions.  And although his decision to put the Codfather head in the End proved to be a mistake, it was still a clever solution.

Another factor that plays into this house is how Fwhip acts socially: he is cunning, mischievous and generally quite the resourceful prankster. Although he may claim that there is malice behind his actions, the Count of Grimlands actually has a soft heart, proving once more that Slytherin is not an evil house.

Sausage - Slytherin

I know this one might seem controversial — Sausage emanates huge Hufflepuff vibes. And I’m not overlooking his kindness and loyalty, no. But one thing that strikes me greatly about the King of Mythland is his ambition.

From the start, Sausage wanted to be everything and more: a powerful wizard, a skilled assassin, a wealthy king, a prankster, a fighter, a ruler with a wall taller than Jimmy’s. This man saw ravagers in his crop fields and decided to keep them for their eventual war potential. He started learning magic, striving to one day reach Gem’s abilities, and for that he went after dark magic, curious and determined. When a demon shows up to take over the server, he immediately seeks to contact it in search of knowledge and power — which proved to be his downfall, as it took him too far. I’d almost say he’s greedy, always eager for more, always enthusiastic about his goals, desperate to be on par with his peers.

His ambitions diminish after the whole Xornoth incident: Sausage becomes afraid of magic, afraid of himself. But then, what does he do? He starts cultivating the remains of the spirit realm. He does absolutely everything in his power to apologise and make up for the evil he’s done. He strives to prove himself over and over again with endless perseverance.

Despite being steadily corrupted by the demon, Sausage was still clever to keep the collar — bandanna? I was never sure what that was — Sir Carlos gave him, knowing his time could come at any moment. He was also clever to discover how to leave the Spirit Realm, and cunning to take the Staff of Mythland back from Gem when he truly needed it.

Pearl - Gryffindor

Hhhhhh this was definitely one of the hardest ones. You see: Pearl’s friendship with Sausage and her loyalty to him, the fact that she was willing to give Xornoth a chance and just her general love for life scream Hufflepuff.

But

But

Pearl is also one of the biggest Gryffindors I’ve ever seen. Her fierce courage, the way she throws herself into any challenge presented to her like it’s nothing, the way she will take on any fight and most likely come out victorious — not necessarily because she won, but because she got to throw a good punch. And probably because she won. Despite her small empire, she is the mightiest warrior of the continent, and she wants to make sure everybody knows it, be it by battling in the arena or by finding out directly what it means to go to war with Gilded Helianthia.

Despite all that, Pearl does not lack honour. She does not start wars for no reason and she accepts defeat when it comes. She does not cheat. She believes in the best in people even when the apocalypse is imminent — Sausage, Joey, even Xornoth themself. Her argument to convince the Cod Alliance not to kill the Ender Dragon was that it deserves life, and that’s quite noble of her.

You could say her brave and daring nature makes her reckless, almost naive with how she accepted to work with Sausage. But I think it also shows the loyalty of a Gryffindor: she will fight for her friend, she will risk her life for him, and she will not stop believing in his strength because she knows he will pull through. She’s not scared of him, nor will she give up on him.

Besides, all of her exchanges with Xornoth? There is no one who can beat this level of Gryffindor energy. Godric Gryffindor is scared of her.

Lizzie - Slytherin

I hear people out there talking about how much of a conman Mr. GoodTimesWithScar is, but I personally think Lizzie deserves just as much merit. Exhibit one: Deal with Destiny. Exhibit two: the golden goose.

This woman is the biggest trickster of any server she’s in. “Cunning” is her middle name, deceit is in her blood, and there is not a situation she puts herself into that she can’t get out of by either deluding people or by creating another situation that cancels the first one out. This is a being of pure chaos and she knows it.

This, of course, doesn’t take away the worth of her achievements. The Ocean Queen is quite the determined and ambitious ruler, a perfectionist who aims to make her empire the greatest by any means. She strives for economic, military, cultural and political success, sometimes disdaining dry land by comparison. She went through the rigorous studies of the Crystal Cliffs Academy and succeeded in getting every advancement in the game. The mere fact that she built a whole empire from nothing but lilypad islands and the endless deep blue speaks volumes of the lengths she’s willing to go to.

This woman wrote a whole musical fOR CRYING OUT LOUD-

Sometimes Lizzie can be a little bit petty, a little bit mean. Her willingness to have Joey assassinated early in the season in spite of their deal, the way she betrayed Fwhip’s trust by setting her axolotls free in his salmon sanctuary and the fact that she chose to spy on her husband to make sure he was following the cake rule are just a few examples that she’s not one to be messed with.

Besides, CC!Lizzie is also a certified Slytherin and I simply can't take that away from her.

Joel - Hufflepuff

He may be arrogant. Very self-centred. Near narcissistic. A horse killer. But one thing that cannot be denied about Joel Smallishbeans is his loyalty.

The King of Mezalea isn’t close to many people, but will do anything for those he holds dear — in particular, Lizzie and Jimmy. He drops everything whenever they need him, even if it’s for ridiculous stuff, and humbles himself when he’s near them. This man adores his wife with every fibre of his being, going as far as giving her netherite armour. He was one of the only people who didn’t complain about building a cod sanctuary for Jimmy, and even made it part of his mega base. Heck, out of the very few things he chose to put in the interior of the palace, these were the two people who got to be honoured in it.

Speaking of mega base, the Mezalean Matral Palace is a major symbol of patience and diligence. Such an impressive build can only be a labour of love, of passion, and along with all of the life he brought to the mesa, it shows just how much he cares about getting all the details just right.

Joel may be a little petty, but at the end of the day, he is willing to forgive and forget. This is specifically about Fwhip. I just thought I should make a point about the diss track-

Jimmy - Gryffindor

This was quite possibly the hardest one, mostly because I haven’t really watched Jimmy’s perspective in its entirety. So take this one with a grain of salt.

The Codfather may not be the most intimidating of leaders — on the contrary, he is constantly being pushed around by the other emperors. Which doesn’t mean he doesn’t try: loud and boisterous, Jimmy is willing to start a conflict over any minor inconvenience. He says his piece even if it makes him look like a fool and faces every challenge head on, even when he knows they’re bound to be a trap. A reckless man, but a brave one indeed.

I considered putting him in Hufflepuff purely for the vibes, and I guess Jimmy has to have some endless patience to bear the amount of ridicule he deals with. But still, he is a bit too combative, and his loyalty is... questionable at times. He can be a bit self-centred and care a bit too much about his status as the Codfather, which could put him in Slytherin. But I suppose that, at the end of the day, he is willing to build bridges between himself and his former enemies.

Scott - Hufflepuff

I did consider putting him in Slytherin. The fact that we have so many Slytherins already may have factored into me choosing otherwise, yes. He also has some Ravenclaw vibes, but maybe that’s just the elf aesthetic speaking...

In spite of all of his sass, one of Scott’s most remarkable traits is that he cares very deeply about his friends. When threatened with an eternal winter, he sought to stop it purely for the benefit of others, as it didn’t bother him in particular. When his ice powers started getting out of control, he isolated himself in order to not harm his loved ones. When faced by his brother, the threat that got to Scott was the ones against his friends, for Xornoth knew it would impact him just as much as if they had threatened him directly. And in the end, he sacrificed his own life to guarantee that Xornoth wouldn’t hurt anyone ever again. His selflessness shows in very specific moments, but it shows nonetheless.

Yes, he may have been a little harsh when threatening Fwhip and Sausage after he froze Gem, but the situation was stressful enough when he realised Xornoth’s crystal was gone. Besides, helping Gem defrost her lake was one of the first things he did after he came back from exile.

As an essentially imortal being, the elven king has some fairly well-balanced patience. It certainly takes a lot of it to court Jimmy the way he did, hear “are we an alliance now,” and not just. Give up right then and there. He was bringing Flower Husbands back no matter how much patience it took-

Katherine - Hufflepuff

Katherine has always been the most neutral party in the entire server. Unlike Gem, she did manage to gather and maintain the friendship of her fellow rulers and even unite them through the construction of Baby Town. She built a secret room for meetings with all of her friends, made giant flowers for other rulers — the most wholesome idea of a prank — and helped host a Halloween event for all to enjoy. She managed to both be part of the Cod Alliance and help save the dragon, which is quite the feat.

Her method of acquiring loyalty may be a little... unorthodox. But upon hearing the complaints of her allies about the logistics of the Tower of Trust and being mercilessly beheaded, she did change the rules of the exchange and started to accept mob heads instead, proving that she does have compassion. Besides, keeping a head collection and taking the care to expose all of it does take a lot of tenacity.

Furthermore, Katherine’s kindness cannot be denied, from the way she receives her allies regardless of their errors to her deep care for sheep — it’s worth remembering that one of the first things she incorporated to her kingdom was a sheep sanctuary.

But that doesn’t mean she lets herself be kicked around: the Guardian takes her duty to the Overgrown seriously and confronts whoever abuses it. Overall, she is a fair ruler and ally who will do anything to protect her friends and her land.

Shrub - Gryffindor

This poor anime protagonist of a gnome. She runs away from her world to try and get help, to save her people, but suddenly finds herself unable to come back. Haunted by the same demon that drove her away, captured and alone, what does she say?

“I’m not scared of you!”

She couldn’t stop them when they destroyed her previous home. But she sure as hell isn’t going to let them destroy this one.

When faced with things she considers unjust or wrong, Shrub takes action. She becomes the Wolf Spirit in order to protect her wolves and the nature around her, starts a neighbourhood watch with Fwhip and steals Xornoth’s crystal when she thinks it might be in the wrong hands. She tries so hard to help people and to do the right thing that she ends up putting herself in dangerous situations over and over again. Bold, but certainly noble and loyal.

Another proof of her bravery is the fact that she’s the one responsible for the Nether materials trade. When no other ruler had the guts to go to the Nether to gather its wood, blaze rods or nether wart, Shrub had them covered.

Besides, Shubble is usually one of the first people to go after the full kitted out netherite gear. It’s not that she seeks to fight people, but she’s definitely ready for a fight if it does comes her way. Do not underestimate the gnome.

Joey - Slytherin

Another given, honestly.

The Lost Emperor is not above cheating and scheming to get what he wants. He’ll accept powers from a demon and not even think twice. Cunning and mischievous, he responds to no one other than himself —and Xornoth.

From the very start of his empire, Joey wanted to be known as the most influential, the richest and most successful ruler. He goes as far as to pay an assassin to murder other emperors so that they’ll buy totems of undying from him, and then displays their heads behind his throne as a sign of power; quite a clever yet immoral plan. And much like Lizzie, he’s not one to let mistakes slide: be it by hiring an assassin for a petty kill or by killing traitors himself, he needs to make sure his schemes will benefit him and damage his enemies.

His determination and greed will stop at nothing, not even heartbreak. For even his love life is subject to his ambitions, as his attraction for Xornoth begins when Joey realises how powerful they are and what he could get from them. He does get manipulated and corrupted, but there’s no denying that his greed deeply influenced his actions.

That’s another thing though: Joey, whether by ambition or by sheer passion, puts his all into the things he does. He loved Xornoth and he loved his empire, would do anything for them. So much so that it drove him to madness.

Pixlriffs - Ravenclaw

And we finish with another rather obvious one, I think.

From the beginning, what Pixl sought was to have an intellectually advanced empire. Powerful and wealthy, but also studious and well developed. He rarely displayed his power through war, but rather filled the streets of Pixandria with technology — for goodness’ sake, the man used full on conduits as a light source. Not to mention all of his redstone contraptions, from the flying machine in the End to David 2.0.

Somewhat early in the series he also went after every single advancement in the game in order to prove that his empire was the most advanced one. The curiosity and ingenuity such a feat demands is awe-inspiring.

Curiosity and wisdom are not lost in the Copper King either: his first instinct upon meeting Xornoth was to study the corruption. As the one responsible for Vigil, he was also constantly aware of the deaths of his fellow rulers, as well as one of the only ones to view death as something serious, worth acknowledging. Once the Ender Dragon was defeated, he isolated himself to think about the consequences and the morality of it all, and how much of a fool he had been, even rejecting the power of the Crown for that same reason. And if isolating yourself to ponder for a very long time isn’t a very Ravenclaw thing to do, then I don’t know what is-

-

Of course, these are purely hypothetical and not at all absolute. I myself am not entirely sure about some of these lol

This is simply my personal take on the characters, and I'd love to hear other opinions about it!