#could you imagine if you could pull a Ferris Bueller and pretend to be The Hotdog King of Unova or something

[nothingmoment]

The food better be better than sex if you have to wait 10 fucking years for it.

[zodiyack]

A Kiddy Crush Beats It Any Day

Requested: @gay-boi-dallas​ Hi! I love your account so much! I was wondering if you could make an imagine with Ferris and the reader is having like self-esteem issues and they hide their issues but Ferris finds out and helps them by being all cute and it's really fluffy by the end of it, if that makes any sense lol. If you could write it that would be awesome.

Pairing: Ferris Bueller x gender neutral reader

Warnings: itty bit o swearing, fluff, insecurities that make this kinda angsty(?)

masterlist

Y/n didn’t mean to be insecure. They really didn’t. Sadly, life had other plans. Sure, Ferris would tell Y/n that they were perfect, but it never really stuck. It was something Y/n thought Ferris pretended to see. Something Y/n thought Ferris lied about since he was their boyfriend. He had to be nice and say things that would make his partner smile, right?

Besides Ferris being nice, Cam and Sloane were lying too. They had to be. As Y/n’s boyfriend’s best friends, it was their duty to make Y/n happy as well. Why else would they hang out with the little nobody. Why else would they even talk to someone as annoying as Y/n?

It wasn’t like Y/n could do much. All they could do was sit around and be a disappointment. That’s all they thought they could do. It made Y/n frustrated, thinking of reasons why Ferris would even date them. ‘I have literally nothing to offer.’ They thought about their life and the choices they’ve made. ‘I can’t even do anything except for the things I was taught to do when I was younger. I’m just a lazy nobody...’

And before Y/n could stop themselves, the tears came spilling. It wasn’t their mom’s fault, it wasn’t their dad’s fault, it was Y/n’s. All Y/n wanted now, was to be alone and away from other people so they couldn’t hurt them or make them feel weird with the lazy teen they are. Was Y/n making people feel that way?

“Y/n? What’re you doing over here?”

The crying session was now declared, over. Y/n quickly brushed their face free of tears, putting on what was the most obvious of fake smiles Ferris had ever seen. He sat down next to his partner, rubbing their shoulder with worry and confusion.

“Are you alright? What happened?”

“Oh...nothing, I just missed..you.”

“You cried cause you missed me?” Ferris felt honored and even let out a warming chuckle. However, he wanted to know the full story. “Are you sure? I was gonna be here and you knew it, so there has to be more.”

Y/n knew that their boyfriend was smart. And they knew he could see when they were lying..most of the time. Believe it or not, Y/n had been insecure throughout their entire relationship, and they’d managed to keep it a secret for so long. That might explain why all these horrible feelings were crashing down now. The mask Y/n had worn for years, almost all of their life, was now crumbling to pieces. 

They wanted to tell someone. They needed to tell someone. “Yeah, I’m just.. very emotional right now. That stupid movie I watched last night still is going through my head. Such a tearjerker.” But they couldn’t.

“Y/n. What movie did you watch last night?”

Shit. Nightmare on Elm Street. “The NeverEnding Story.” They were just spewing lies. Anything to keep Ferris from finding out.

“You hate that movie though.”

“B- I- N- Wh-” Y/n inhaled, closing their eyes and restarting their sentence. “I don’t think I ever said that.”

“Good. ‘Cause you never did.” The weight on Y/n shoulders seemed like it was disappearing. Well, almost. “What’s your favorite scene?”

This was it. Goodbye relationship. Goodbye whatever happiness was left. Y/n didn’t know a single thing about the movie, only that Ferris enjoyed it and wanted Y/n to watch it with him.

Minutes went by. More minutes. It felt like hours now. Ferris’ head tilted and his eyes squinted. Y/n’s eyes darted, trying to avoid looking at Ferris for however long they could.

“You’re lying.”

“What?”

“I said, ‘you’re lying’. Y/n, you’ve never seen that movie. Also, before you try to make up another excuse, just know that you breathe with your mouth slightly open after you lie.”

Damn. He was good.

“Fine. I watched that Freddy Krueger movie last night. And yes, I wasn’t crying because I missed you, but I do miss you. I’m just...”

“You’re just what Y/n? I-” He sighed. It brought him great pain to see Y/n like this. “Please. I can’t help you without knowing what the problem is.”

“Me.”

“Excuse me?”

“The problem is me.”

“...How?”

“Ferris!” He didn’t know Y/n would snap. He didn’t know Y/n’s face would be redder than it was before. “I’m the problem! I’m too annoying and clingy, I don’t deserve half the awesome stuff that’s happened to me! I’m lazy and a good for nothing fatass. Do you see me? I’m the definition of mistake.”

He didn’t reply after that. Y/n didn’t either. Both sat still, not moving nor talking. The silenced minutes started once again. This time, the silence only built the tension in the air. Could this be the end?

“You’re not a fatass, ya know?” The silence was finally broken. And thank god for that. “You’re amazing. Perfect. The definition of perfection. No one’s really perfect, but you. You are what I think perfect means. I swear- you’re gonna be the death of me with how awesome you are.”

“You’re just saying that ‘cause you’re my boyfriend. You don’t actually-”

Y/n was shushed with Ferris’ lips pressed against theirs. They could feel heat rising to their cheeks and neck. Honestly, they probably would’ve passed out if it weren’t for Ferris pulling away to hug them.

“Never say that. I mean it, with all my heart. Y/n L/n,” He made a face, the one that he knew could make Y/n laugh with the tiniest glimpse at it. “I hope you know that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Before Y/n could respond, Ferris tackled them and smothered them in kisses. The couple laughed as they sat back up.

The day went just like that. Ferris demanding that Y/n sat by him and lied their head on his lap as he brushed his hands through their hair and told them reasons why he loved them. At some point, Y/n called Ferris an idiot because he stumbled over his words after they pecked his nose. And with that, shy-pouty-Ferris replaced cool-flirty-Ferris. It was adorable to say the least.

Finally, it was bedtime. Y/n wasn’t allowed to spend the night with Ferris, due to them both still technically being teens, so Ferris got permission to walk them home. The walk was just as cute and heart-warming as their hanging out had gone. When they finally approached the door of Y/n’s house, Ferris grabbed Y/n’s hands.

“Alright, so I know we are no longer talking about this, but I just wanted to say it. If anyone should be insecure in this relationship, it’s me. I mean, I skip school constantly and lie to my parents, you are only being dragged into it because you’re dating me. Seriosl-”

This time, it was Ferris who was shushed with a kiss.

“Shut up and go home so you can sleep, weirdo.”

“Only if you make me.”

“Ferris Bueller, I will drag you home by the ear and throw you into your bed myself if I have to.” 

“Is that a promise or a threat?”

“... Ferris.”

“I’m kidding darling. I love you, sweet dreams!”

“I love you too, dork.” Y/n laughed before closing the front door. Little did Ferris know that behind the door, Y/n blushed and stumbled through the house to their room as if they were drunk. He managed to replace their insecurities with the feeling of a kiddy crush.

Kiddy crush being Y/n feeling as if they were a six year old again, meeting their crush and giggling like they had just been asked if they did something they were guilty of. The feeling of being a kid again and smiling like an idiot around their crush. Being a kid again and blushing whenever they made human contact with their crush.

Kiddy crush beats being insecure any day though.

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦ 

I hope you liked this my friend! I got a bit confused in the middle and stopped writing for a day, so if it seems...well offtrack, and nowhere near what you wanted, I apologize. Also I had a hard time with the title, but then that last sentence was written and I had it. Thank you for the request, it was fun to write!

✘ Emerson

[jamesmydeer]

Could you do a sick Sirius HC? Like the reader has to take care of him?

i sure can try :))) (i have tried writing and posting this three time. please send help. i hate tumblr.)

– sirius orion black is the biggest drama queen of all time

– so imagine him sick

– mega drama queen

– as james is getting ready to go to breakfast, he politely tries to wake sirius up

– “get your lazy arse up, pads”

– sirius just groans into his pillow

– james books it out of there

– at the sound of someone running down the stairs, your head shoots up

– “your boyfriend is contagious”

– you trudge up the stairs, expecting sirius to be just fine and lying to get out of class, as per usual

– but when you open the door, sirius isn’t in his bed

– you call out his name and hear a groan from the bathroom

– you walk into the bathroom and sirius’ head is in the toilet

– you walk over to him and rub his back while keeping his hair out of his face

– once he’s done vomiting, he turns to you and gives you a shy smile

– “you don’t have to stay here. you should go back to class while i battle this illness, bored and alone”

– “hush or i’ll do just that”

– you ever seen ferris bueller? you know the scene where he’s trying to convince his parents to let him stay home?

– that’s sirius

– sirius pretends he needs you to help him to his bed

– he actually needs to put his arm around you

– once you have sirius tucked in, you walk over and sit on james’ bed

– sirius is not amused, and gives you a genuinely sad face

– grabby hands

– you scoff, getting up and trudging over to his bed, plopping down

– you lay on top of the covers

– “you radiate more heat than the sun when you’re sick”

– he eventually gets over it and lays his head on your stomach

– once he’s out, he is o u t

– there’s no getting him up

– but once he’s up, he’s not going back to sleep

– and once he’s up, he’s bored

– “do you still have that coloring book i got you?”

– “sadly. would you like me to go get it?”

– “pretty please”

– before you let him do anything, you make sure he eats

– he refuses to eat a meal, so after much compromising, he eats some crackers

– when you come back from getting his crayons, sirius is getting clothes

– “i’m getting in the shower, my hair looks gross”

– “your hair looks like it always does”

– sirius doesn’t find it funny

– so he huffs and stomps off to the shower

– when he gets out, he’s still pouty

– he stands at the side of his bed, staring down at you sadly

– so you pull him down into a hug

– he chuckles, maneuvering his head onto your lap

– you play with his hair until he falls asleep

– once his face softens and you can tell he is comfortable, you allow yourself to fall asleep as well

– you’re both sleeping very peacefully

– until james gets done with practice

– he walks into the room, ready to make fun of sirius

– but then he sees you two being cutesy

– cautious as ever, james voices his thoughts

– “AAAAWWWWW”

– you are yanked into consciousness

– sirius, used to james’ antics, snuggles closer into you

– “prongs!”

– nyoom

– james is outta there

– sirius rolls over so he can look up at you, smiling super big

– “thank you”

– “you don’t have to thank me, siri”

– “yeah i do, i’m a handful”

– you both trudge down the stairs, half asleep

– james is hiding behind remus

– “moony! did you miss me?”

– “actually, i didn’t even notice you were missing”

– sirius narrows his eyes at him, but runs up to him and wraps him up in a big hug

– “you’re a pain, you know”

– he was a pain, but he was your pain

– it’s a good thing he’s cute

[popularmolds]

Best rap, 2017

In 2007, I thought I was very fast. That fall, I was one of the top sophomores at the Minnesota high school cross country state championships, which, believe it or not, are very competitive as far as high school cross country state championships go. Then it was winter. There’s no indoor track season in Minnesota; I played hockey, like I had for my entire life to that point, but I also ran 60 miles a week in toques and gloves and terrible things called “wind briefs.” I got ambitious and decided that in the spring, I wanted to be the fastest 15-year-old in the state, the Midwest, maybe the country. 

But in the first week of outdoor track, in the middle of a mile repeat workout we were running on the sidewalk (there was snow on the track), I felt bones splinter. There were stress fractures up and down my left tibia. 

Every afternoon for the next twelve weeks, I had to find a ride from my high school down to a suburban YMCA, chosen because it had a reliably deserted pool. I needed to get in some sort of cardio with zero impact on my bones. If you’ve never seen someone water run, it looks like a recurring nightmare playing out under fluorescent lights: a skeletally thin person in the water, upright, making all the movements he or she would make on the track, but moving impossibly slow, back and forth, end to end. It’s like quicksand. I would sweat and strain and grit my teeth, but I was barely moving. 

A couple weeks into my muggy purgatory, my friend Collin burned me a CD of an obscure album he’d found on a Wordpress blog. It was called Brokelore and was by someone named Grip Grand––clearly from the Bay, but we couldn’t find anything else about him. 

It blew me away. I listened to it every day, to and from the Y, in headphones or out of those primitive aux hookups that plugged into the cassette decks in my friends’ cars. He sounded gruff and grizzled, but we had no idea what he looked like. (Eventually, Collin found a short interview Grip had done with a blog, but we assumed the press photo was of the blogger, not the rapper. Sorry, Grip.) 

The record’s mostly self-produced; the beats have a little grit and a lot of warmth. Grip’s voice is tough, but elastic enough to bounce and bend and let the humor through. Grip is quick and witty, but threads the record with these incredibly earnest love letters to rap: "96 Tears” is an extended lyrical exercise, “Hip-Hop Classic” is the sound of someone pounding his fist on a computer desk, searching. There’s a song with Percee P (”Paper Cup”) and a song where Grip thanks Percee P for dropping that verse (”Showtime (That’s Entertainment)”). There’s “Handle That,” which was probably conceived as a parody of popular rap styles at the time but got mutated along the way and sounds like a good-faith alien transmission; there’s distortion and vocal modulation and lines like “While you pretend to be sick like Ferris Bueller / Grip Grand drop gems like a careless jeweler.” 

But it’s called Brokelore. This was a few months before the financial collapse; this was Oakland and San Francisco and the shadow of the early tech boom. Sometimes Grip and his Rec League comrades broach this with a light touch, cashing bad checks and skirting tax forms. (One of the album’s highlights is the remix of “Poppin’ Pockets,” where Grip and A.G. (!) rap joyously about having absolutely zero money.) Then there are the graver moments: “Out of Service” is a half-dreamed conversation with a factory worker who’s in limbo at a bus stop; it’s tearjerking but never treacly. “Tomorrow” is sorrowful. 

And then there’s “Love/Drama” which––this is not an exaggeration––is one of the most deeply felt rap songs I’ve ever heard. It’s structured as a letter back to a writer who ripped his last record, Welcome to Broakland. An artist responding to criticism looks defensive––and that’s the point. In the space of a few bars, the song unspools into a catalog of Grip’s deepest fears as an artist.

“My whole albums’s a jack: “Impeach the President?”  Yo, how done is that?  Tribute to early rap? DIY ethic?  No, a piss-poor producer—take my name off the credits.”

The song wraps up with a venomous couplet:“You’re so astute brah, every minute flaw, you heard it / Can’t wait to hear your album, it must be perfect.” But he’s not brushing off the critic. “Love/Drama” isn’t about brushing off a detractor, it’s about scratching and clawing and stretching $10 in groceries for a whole week, pouring yourself into a record only for it to be...fine. The kicker, then, is that Grip Grand internalized all of that and made a masterpiece. 

I say all that to say this: I don’t know if I would have found Brokelore today. Ten years after the fact, it’s ostensibly my job to find and write criticism of rap music, including obscure releases like this. But the economics of the media industry are strange: while it seems clear that people still want to discover new music, it’s difficult to get anybody to click on articles that present it. Music discovery has moved mostly to the curated playlists at streaming sites (so, radio) and there are fewer and fewer places willing to publish full-scale album reviews for artists who are untested or unsigned. I don’t spend enough time in pools. 

Of course, there are still massive communities of rap fans who dig for new material. But as it becomes more difficult to make a living covering it––and with the collapse of the blog world, which was invaluable for fans and artists in the mid- and late-2000s––there’s less time and attention given to smaller artists. Especially the kinds of time and attention that can be turned into money. (On that count, I physically recoil imagining how much bleaker the Bay Grip rendered on Brokelore has gotten.) 

The good news is that rap is in an exceptional place right now. There are vibrant underground scenes in cities across the country. In 2018, I’m resolving to take time, stay still, and appreciate rappers who would otherwise go uncovered. 

Notes/methodology: This list, obviously, includes both songs and albums. In most of the cases where either an album or a song from it could have made my top sixty, I chose whichever entry would rank higher, i.e.- I think “The Story of O.J.” is one of the ten best rap things from this year, while 4:44 as an album would rank a couple dozen spots lower. There are exceptions. “We Ball” would probably be among my top ten entries, but I wanted to give a nod to Meek Mill’s album because it hasn’t left rotation since it came out. Similar case with Boosie: “Webbie I Remember” could easily be in my top five, but BooPac should be on everyone’s radar, even if it’s ninety minutes. Slow down.

60. YG, “Pop It, Shake It” 59. Smooky MarGielaa, “Stay 100” 58. YBN Nahmir, “Rubbin Off The Paint” 57. Freddie Gibbs –– You Only Live 2wice 56. Muja Messiah & Roc Marciano –– Saran Wrap 55. Frosty Da Snowmann, “Oh My Gawd” 54. Wiki –– No Mountains in Manhattan 53. Greg Grease –– Down So Long 52. Chris $pencer, “Shark Wrestling” 51. Chief Keef, “Can You Be My Friend” 50. P.O.S –– chill, dummy 49. 2 Chainz –– Pretty Girls Like Trap Music 48. Young Dolph, “100 Shots” 47. Roc Marciano –– Rosebudd’s Revenge 46. Bbymutha, “Roses” 45. Sahbabii, “Pull Up wit ah Stick” 44. Nef the Pharaoh, “Bling Blaow” 43. J Hus –– Common Sense 42. 21 Savage –– Issa Album 41. Cardi B, “Bodak Yellow” 40. Deniro Farrar, “Can’t Touch Me” 39. Lor Jugg & Bandhunta Izzy, “Back At It” 38. G Herbo –– Humble Beast 37. billy woods, “Police Came To My Show” 36. French Montana, “Unforgettable” f/ Swae Lee 35. Rich Homie Quan –– Back to the Basics 34. Lil B –– Black Ken 33. Nipsey Hussle, “Rap Niggas” 32. A$AP Ferg, “Plain Jane” 31. Young Thug –– Beautiful Thugger Girls 30. Migos –– CULTURE 29. Playboi Carti, “Magnolia” 28. Why Khaliq –– The Mustard Seed 27. Snoop Dogg –– Neva Left 26. C Struggs, “Go to Jesus” 25. Lor Choc, “Fast Life” 24. RJ, “Blammer” 23. Tee Grizzley, “First Day Out” 22. OMB Peezy, “Lay Down” 21. Boosie –– BooPac 20. Meek Mill –– Wins & Losses 19. Kodak Black, “Patty Cake” 18. Drakeo –– Cold Devil 17. Don Trip & Starlito –– Step Brothers THREE 16. milo –– who told you to think??!!?!?!?! 15. 03 Greedo –– Money Changes Everything; Purple Summer 03; First Night Out 14. DJ Quik & Problem –– Rosecrans 13. Nocando, “1998″ 12. Goldlink, “Crew” f/ Shy Glizzy & Brent Faiyaz 11. Mach-Hommy –– Haitian Body Odor 10. Lil Uzi Vert, “XO Tour Llif3″ 9. Jay-Z, “The Story of O.J.” 8. G Perico –– All Blue & 2 Tha Left 7. Kendrick Lamar –– DAMN. 6. Tay-K, “The Race” 5. NBA Youngboy, “No Smoke” 4. Future –– HNDRXX 3. Armand Hammer –– ROME 2. Creek Boyz, “With My Team” 1. Open Mike Eagle –– Brick Body Kids Still Daydream