#could feel myself falling into a depressive episode last night and thought I had averted it but nope back in full force

[belong-to-ur-creation]

How tf am I supposed to go to therapy if I can’t get a job so I can pay for it. But not being able to get a job is also making me needy therapy even more 😭

[gallifreyanlibertea]

Stubborn

@igikoxamerica asked: How about America x Nyo!England domestic fic? Even better if Nyo!England is expecting their first child.

a/n: I hate myself this is such an old request, but I suddenly have a lot of time in my hands and I’m so sorry for making you wait this long.

Pairing: USUK Rating: E for Everyone AU: Humanverse

Rosa was alarmingly pregnant. Alfred noted this as he nestled her third packet of pickle-flavored chips into her lap upon her stern request.

She hated pickles.

She'd despised them for all the years they’d been together, but apparently, it was different now, seeing as she’d sent Alfred out in the middle of the night to fetch them for her. “It's an emergency,” she’d said, waking him up with ten smacks to the arms that were wrapped so snugly around her. She simply had to have them, right then and there.

And so Alfred went, falling into a well-worn routine for the sake of his beloved, English wife. One, to slink into his car half asleep, two, spend a few minutes waking himself up, and three, drive out to the nearest convenience store, hoping to god they had the brand Rosa wanted.

There were no other options, no other steps, none. Not after what had happened the last time he even considered straying from the path, when not long ago, on the drive home from work, she’d called him, voice honey sweet as she buttered her husband up, “I miss you, I need you…”

“Oh, and I’m also really craving that one ice cream you can only get half an hour away from here, love you, bye!”

Alfred had been tired. He had been hungry, and his fingers ached from typing at his work desk for hours on end. So, it was only natural that he was going to cut some corners!

After all, Rosa wouldn’t know the difference between gourmet and store bought. Not if Alfred managed to sprint home and scoop the ice cream into a cup before she saw the packaging.

That had been his initial plan, yes, but alas, as soon as he had opened the door, grocery bag in hand, there Rosa was, waiting intently for him on the other side with a plate of warm brownies, fresh out of the oven.

“I’m sorry I made you go so far.” Had been her reason as she jutted them out for him to inspect. Alfred had seen signs of charring at the edges, but the warm, sinking middle had his stomach turning, a feeling originating from both hunger and guilt. “These would go marvelously with the ice cream!”

Needless to say, she hadn’t been very happy to see the kitschy carton of ice cream that certainly was not the one she’d asked for.

Alfred had still stood by the fact that if it weren’t for the packaging, she wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference, but a good man learns from his mistakes. Alfred had, since then, gotten Rosa exactly what she wanted, no loop-holes, no short-cuts. 

Which brought him to situations like these. 

He put on a brave face. “Rosie, don’t you think you’ve had enough of those?”

A murderous flash of those green eyes sealed Alfred’s lips shut and kept his eyes averted. He wasn’t to say anything about it- not a word about the wrappers of the previous two packets littering the floor, because she was going to work out tomorrow so it didn’t matter, nor about the eyes swimming with tears as the couple on the TV screen fought over something petty, because those were just allergies.

And though Alfred had learned not to look at her for too long, lest she think he was mocking her pregnancy-chub, he couldn’t help stealing a glance as Rosa licked the crumbs off her lips, sniffling into her palms as the couple proceeded to engage in a furious lip-lock.

She could be so cute.

Until she turned to find her husband staring- Alfred was caught. With a quick swipe of her eyes, she crossed her arms over her chest, “Are you done gawking?”

“Uh- sorry, babe.” Was the mumbled response.

“I’m not crying.” Rosa declared almost quickly after, rubbing the curve of her belly with thick brows furrowed, “It’s the baby.”

Yes, the baby. It was always the baby.

“Well,” Alfred said dismissively- perhaps too dismissively, so he paused, starting again, gentler, “Do you want to, maybe, come to bed? It’s really late-”

“Aren’t you going to comfort me, damn it! I’m crying!”

Rosa was bawling now, and had it been months earlier when Alfred was but a novice when it came to her mood swings, he would’ve blanked out on the spot. Instead, like the wise man he was, he sunk in beside her on the couch, pulling her wet face into his chest and letting a calming hand massage her scalp.

“It’s okay, baby, it's just a fictional show, I cry ‘cause of them too!”

He really didn’t, but for the sake of keeping her sanity somewhat intact, it had to be said. She believed anything in moments like these, despite having lived with Alfred for years now and knowing that the only tears that would ever come from a movie was if it scared him shitless.

“I’m not crying.” She mumbled, and Alfred rolled his eyes. “You would be, though, that rotten child doesn’t give an ounce of respect to his mother! It’s depressing!”

Ah, one look to the screen gave Alfred all the answers he needed. It was a dramatized, over-exaggerated reality T.V show, one Rosa swore up and down she would never watch. Perhaps it was the lack of anything else on the television, as Rosa always said it was, but Alfred now knew why she had those big tears swimming in her eyes. He almost wanted to laugh.

Fearing a slap, or worse, a packet of half-finished pickle chips being thrown right at him, Alfred kissed her forehead instead, “Kids aren’t all bad, Rosa, I know ours is going to be amazing.”

“You don’t know that.” Rosa mumbled, “They could inherit my stubbornness and wreak havoc on us both.”

Alfred blinked, partly stunned that she admitted to being difficult. It had to be a trap.

Which is why he inched around the subject, lips parting for honeyed words, one hundred percent true to the last bone in his tired, tired body, “Your stubbornness is part of why I love you, you know?”

And just when he thought he’d won, when those green eyes looked up at him all hazy like they did when he’d said the right things, they narrowed just as fast, hand smacking at Alfred’s arm.

“You were supposed to disagree, you idiot! Do you really think I’m stubborn?”

“You need to get to bed,” Alfred interjected, a last-minute scrape at changing the topic. 

He decided against attempting to carry her. Instead, he took her by the wrist, pulling her to her feet, something that would’ve been hard to do if she hadn’t decided to get up as well. “You need some rest, Mrs. Jones.”

“It’s Mrs. Kirkland-Jones, dolt,” Rosa grunted, patting her belly as the warm hand on her back led her to their bedroom. “Remember? I was too stubborn to change my last name.”  

She climbed into bed and Alfred drew the blanket over her shoulders, pressing a chaste kiss onto her lips and ignoring the salty, pickle-y tang.

“I’m going to go clean up your mess, and when I get back you better be asleep.”

A whine. Alfred folded his arms.

“I never got to see how the episode ended!” Rosa complained, to which Alfred stepped through the bedroom door, hand resting on the knob.

“The couple realizes they’re madly in love and their kid apologizes with a badly-drawn crayon card, the end.”

“And... does the husband bring his wife her unfinished packet of crisps to eat in bed?”

“Good night, Rosa,” Alfred replied with a chuckle as he brought the door to a close, barely hearing his wife’s muffled response as he turned to face the living room, a couch drowned in snack-wrappers bathed in the light of the idle television.

He already lived with a pregnant Rosa, how hard could a baby be?

[i-write-shakespeare-not-disney]

Warm Me Up pt 22

Songs I listened to: Mercy- Shawn Mendes, The Reason- Hoobastank, Already Gone- Kelly Clarkson, Love You Goodbye- One Direction, What Hurts The Most- Rascal Flatts, Breakeven- The Script

Click Here for Ch. 1

Click Here for Ch. 21

There was one ceiling tile that wasn’t completely aligned with the others. It had been driving Nico crazy since he woke up. But he found himself staring at it anytime he was alone. Which was often. Aside from the nurses and doctors that checked on him, no one else came in.

Ever since Will’s outburst, Nico had asked to keep visitors away. He couldn’t bring himself to tell his friends what had happened. Surely they’d heard it too. Surely they’d heard all the things Will said, all the things he’d called him.

The moment kept replaying in his head as he stared at the tile. Over and over. Even when he slept, he didn’t get a break from it. In the back of his mind, the shouts were still echoing.

“Ready to go home today?” Dr. Ass- something asked him. Nico shrugged. “I suggest you stay away from alcohol. You’re too young to give yourself liver damage.”

Nico rolled his eyes and pulled at the ends of his hair. “Yeah, well. Easy for you to say. You have your life made. Nothing to run away from. I’m trying to run away from everything.”

“Everything?” the doctor asked.

“I’m not suicidal,” he snapped, knowing that if he said the wrong thing, he’d have to stay longer and get checked into a psych ward. “I’m just saying… drinking stops the thinking. It always has. So I drink enough to forget.”

“Well what were you trying to forget this time? Because obviously it didn’t work until you reached unconsciousness.” Nico averted his gaze and stared at the IV in his arm. “Alright then. I hope I don’t have to see you back here with the same problem, Nico.” He nodded and watched as the doctor removed the IV and gave him some regular clothes that Percy and Annabeth had brought in for him.

One of the most infuriating things was that he couldn’t remember anything from the night he was taken to the hospital. He remembered seeing Will and kissing someone. But he couldn’t remember how much he drank, what he had done, whether or not that boy had been in his room, or at what point he’d stopped breathing. The guy had to have been with him. Who else could have called the ambulance?

The connotation in that made Nico even more anxious. If a guy was in his room with him at two in the morning, which was the time the doctor said he’d been brought in, then didn’t that suggest something? He couldn’t bear the idea of it. Not with Will occupying so much of his thoughts and how desperately he wanted him back.

He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Maybe he should just pretend the night, the last five days, hadn’t happened.

When he was changed into his clothes, he grabbed his phone, signed some final paperwork, and left the hospital. He called a cab to take him to the campus, but he didn’t tell anyone he was free. He wanted to be alone. He was scared to find Will, and he didn’t have the stamina to answer questions from Leo and the others.

Instead, he got his motorcycle, stopped at a McDonald’s for food to regain his strength, and then rode over to his dirt road clearing. He sat under a tree to eat, frustrated with the way the wind kept blowing his hair in his face. He made a mental note to get a haircut. Possibly that very day if it would stall going back to campus.

He ate slowly, his stomach still sore and uneasy after what had happened.

Vaguely he wondered what Will would do when he saw him again. Would he ignore him? Yell at him again? Nico didn’t want either. He wanted him back. He wanted to fall to his knees and apologize until Will believed him and took him back and kissed him again and again.

He just wanted Will Solace back.

At the moment he was in The In-Between as he liked to call it. He didn’t feel hopeless and empty the way he did when he hit a depressive episode, but he wasn’t happy and ecstatic and filled with energy like when he had his highs. He felt numb, stoic, and confused. He knew there were things he had to think on, to act on. But his brain wouldn’t let him think enough. So he was stuck. He was at that middle place, No-Man’s Land, where he was simply focusing on little tasks like eating and putting one foot in front of the other.

He supposed it was the best place to be, mentally. At least for him. He never enjoyed his highs as much as he should, not with that little voice warning him that the next depression low would hit soon. And he hated the episodes where he could barely get out of bed.

So he supposed his mental state at the moment was the best he could hope for after what had happened.

Suddenly his phone started ringing. He looked at it and saw Percy’s number. He ignored it. Then two minutes later, Leo. He ignored that too. Within the next thirty minutes, he had seven calls from Percy, fifteen from Leo, eight from Annabeth, seven from Piper, and ten from Jason. None from Will. He received texts, Facebook messages, WhatsApp messages, even GroupMe messages which he never even used.

He groaned and turned his phone off. He didn’t want to go back yet. Not until he was okay enough.

He clambered back onto his bike and revved the engine. It had been a long time since he’d bothered riding it here. He didn’t want to be reckless this time. He wanted to ride it right. He wanted to see how many times he could go around without falling, how long he could sustain the feeling of flying in such perfect weather.

He kicked off and all that filled his ears were the sounds of air pushing against him and the angry engine as it pushed him forward. Dirt filled the air as the motorcycle turned and sped along the path.

It was the best he’d felt in a long time.

Then he saw a figure at the end of the road. He nearly lost control of the motorcycle in the shock and confusion, but he steadied himself and squinted to get a better look. Golden hair glinted in the sun, and Nico’s heart stopped.

The closer he got, the more certain he was it was Will. Until he had stopped his bike in front of him and was staring at angry blue eyes that left Nico speechless and weak in the knees.

After about a minute of silence and staring, one in wonder and shock, the other in what seemed like hatred and anger, the latter spoke. “Percy and Leo said you disappeared. They went to see you at the hospital and they were told you’d left, and you weren’t answering your phone.” Nico continued to stare mutely. “Are you going to say anything?”

“Will,” he breathed.

Will rolled his eyes, but the apples of his cheeks tinged red. He crossed his arms and glared at Nico. “I’ll give you five minutes. Five minutes to explain the shit you pulled at the hospital before I tell your friends where to find you.”

Nico shut the engine off and hurried to stand, letting the motorcycle clatter to the floor, but never once letting his eyes leave Will. If he did, he might just disappear. “Okay, okay,” he said hurriedly. “Look, I know I said really horrible things when I broke up with you, and I know you think you’d never forgive me, but I didn’t mean any of it, okay?” Will rolled his eyes and turned away from him. “Will, please. I never once wanted to be without you. The truth is you make me want to be a better person, okay? I was a decent human being when I was with you. But that didn’t stop the depression from pulling me under okay, and that wasn’t fair to you. I was being selfish by staying with you. You deserve someone better, someone who doesn’t constantly need you watching over them, and I had to let you go, I had to be selfless for once in my-”

“Oh shut up!” He shouted, turning back to him. He stepped forward, digging his finger into Nico’s chest. “Don’t you dare pretend you thought of anyone but yourself when you did that! Don’t you pull that bull shit!” He turned away, and Nico followed after him, but he was still shouting at him. “The things you said were horrible! I trusted you!” He bent over and Nico didn’t have time to process what he was doing until he turned around, throwing something at him. “I trusted you, you asshole! I told you everything! And you left me!” Rocks bounced off his jacket and to the floor, as Nico tried to block them from sensitive areas.

“Will, I-”

“You left me! Not the other way around! Don’t- tell- me- you were heartbroken when this was your fault!”

“Ow!” he exclaimed as a stinging pain burst above his right eye. “Okay, I deserved that,” he groaned.

“You are a selfish prick, and- oh my God, you’re bleeding.” The anger dissipated and Will rushed over to his side, checking the wound. “Oh my God, you’re bleeding.”

“Well, you hit me with a rock,” he answered. Will ignored him and tore the bottom of Nico’s shirt. “Will, if you wanted to undress me, you could’ve just asked.”

“Not the time, di Angelo,” he growled. Nico clamped his mouth shut and Will pressed the cloth against his forehead, causing Nico to wince. “You have to put pressure,” he mumbled under his breath.

Nico glanced up, catching the expression of determination on his face. The furrow of his eyebrows, the concentration in his eyes, the lip bite. And the flush in his cheeks, splattered with beautiful freckles. “I don’t think I ever told you how much I like your freckles, did I? They’re mesmerizing.”

Will’s eyes flickered down to him, but his expression remained hard. He grabbed Nico’s hand and pressed it to the wound. “Pressure,” he said, ignoring him still.

Nico sighed and looked at him longingly. He began to pull away, so Nico decided he had nothing left to lose.

“One more thing,” he said desperately. “I know I hurt you, and I will never forgive myself for it. I know you probably hate me, and I don’t blame you. I understand if you don’t feel the same, but I have to tell you before you disappear forever, okay?”

Will’s eyes flickered back to him, curious and wary. “Tell me what?”

Nico swallowed and took a few breaths. “That I’m completely fucking in love with you. And it honestly scares the shit out of me.”

The change in his expression was immediate. Wide eyes, almost frightened, lips parted, his cheeks bright red. His hands fell to his sides, and Nico was afraid he’d scared him away completely. “What?” he asked, barely audible.

Nico took another breath and tried to ignore the dizziness that had overwhelmed him. “I love you. I’ve been in love with you. I never said it, and maybe I should have, but  I was scared. The idea of letting myself be so vulnerable to someone…” His voice broke, and he felt the tears that stung his eyes. But he didn’t want to cry. “I didn’t want to let someone have that much control over my emotions. So the best thing I could do was show you how much I cared about you and show my affection the best way I knew how to.

“I tried so hard to show it without feeling vulnerable. Without making it about me. I wanted to focus on you, I wanted to show you I loved you, but I’m not the best at emotions. But you have to know, Will…. I loved you as best as I could. I tried... to show you how important you are to me.” At that point, his voice was wavering uncontrollably, desperate and afraid. But he had to tell him everything. Will had to understand. “To show you how happy you made me even if I couldn’t always be happy. How much I appreciated you, without having to put all of my emotions out there. Maybe that's what you wanted. I know you wanted me to lay myself bare for you, but I couldn’t- I can't... do that.

“So I left you that way you could find someone who could. Someone who wasn’t so fucking afraid, so messed up in the head. You think I couldn’t see it in your eyes? The way you looked whenever you couldn’t fix me, when you couldn’t pull me out of the depression? I was selfish in keeping you with me, and I’m being selfish now by wanting you back. Because I know you deserve better, but I’m still hoping you’ll be okay with me.”

“Stop,” he croaked. Nico looked down and shut his eyes. “You’re right,” he whispered. Nico glanced at him, not understanding. His nose was red. Runaway tears had fallen down his freckled cheeks. “I hated you. I hated you so much for what you did to me.” Nico choked back a sob and looked away. “But how could you be so dense, Nico?” He didn’t look at him. “Don’t tell me I could’ve done better than you. I knew about your pains and your messes and how fucked up things could get in your head. I knew about you using alcohol to run away from problems. I know what each scar on your body means and where it came from. And how you can never let yourself be fully happy because that pessimistic voice is always there telling you it won’t last.

“And I also know about your determination, and defiance. I know what makes you smile. I know how gentle you can be, because you’ve always shown it to me. I know how strong you’ve been all your life and how strong you still are. Defensive, protective, and stubborn.” He stepped closer, keeping Nico’s eyes on him. He wanted to brush away the tears that kept falling down his face. Nico didn’t want to make him cry anymore.

“And I fell in love with all of it.” Nico took a sharp breath, and he couldn’t keep himself controlled anymore. The tears he’d been fighting fell down his face, and now he was crying in front of him.

Nico didn’t think he’d ever really cried in front of him. He’d gotten angry, he’d ranted, he’d been hurt, he’d been sick, he’d thrown up, maybe shed a few tears. But he’d never cried the way he was now. Not in front of anyone. Especially Will.

“I fell in love with the smell of cigarettes that stays in your fingers and your leather jacket.... The callouses on your fingers.... With that stubbornness and pessimism. With your voice. Your dark eyes that never fail to make me forget what I’m thinking. With your laughter which is still the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard and your smile because it’s rare, but it was always real when you looked at me. It always made me feel worthwhile.

“So don't tell me I could have found someone better. Because I found you, and I loved you, and I wanted you. I fell in love with the good and the bad that comes with you. I was willing to handle it. You’re the one that decided to call it quits. You’re the one that pushed me away and gave up on me, I never once thought about leaving you.”

“I didn’t give up-”

“Yes you did,” he interrupted. “I know I can’t make your depression go away, and I couldn’t help if I felt bad about it, okay? That’s something people feel, it’s empathy. But I wanted to make it easier for you. I wanted to be there to keep you from falling apart, or to at least help you pull yourself back together. I wanted to at least do that.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he sobbed, gripping his arms, afraid that he’d go away if he let him go. But he didn’t move. Nico was close enough to hear his breaths, uneven through the crying. He looked up, biting his lip. “Do you still love me?” he whispered.

“Of course I do,” he whispered. Nico cupped his face and pressed his forehead against Will’s. “Nico,” he breathed.

“Could you give me another chance? Please, baby,” he begged, soaking in the feeling of being so close to him again. His scent, his voice, his warm skin beneath his fingers. He missed Will so much. “I’ll do anything.”

Will’s eyes were solemn, his gaze focused on Nico. Conflicted. It made Nico nervous. Then his warm hand pressed against Nico’s cheek and he leaned into him slowly, pressing his lips against Nico’s gently. Nico forgot how to breathe.

The feeling of his lips was so familiar, so right. It made him weak. He wrapped his arms around him, kissing him harder. He loved him. He loved him and Will loved him back. They would be okay. They had to be.

His fingers were pressing into his side, pulling him closer. Nico’s hands were in his hair. He wanted to forget every other kiss that wasn’t with Will. He wanted to fall apart in his arms because he knew he could trust Will. He wanted to love him in every way possible and never let him go again.

Then Will pulled away and rested his hands on Nico’s shoulder, pushing him back gently. “I need time to think,” he murmured. “I can’t… I can’t think straight when you’re this close to me. When you’re kissing me and looking at me like that.”

“Think about what?” Nico asked incredulously, feeling his heart begin to shatter again. “Will?”

“I don’t know,” he breathed. “I don’t know. I just… I need to think.”

Nico swallowed and furrowed his eyebrows. “Is there… someone else?” He’d seen Will with Paolo and some other boy he didn’t know. He’d seen them together often. Had Will moved on despite loving him?

But he shook his head, and Nico was able to breathe again. “No, there’s no one else, Nico. I just need to think. About this, about what it means. Okay?” Nico hesitated, but he nodded. He’d hurt him enough. The least he could do was let him have time to understand what he felt, right? “I have to go…. You should call your friends and tell them you’re okay.” He cleared his throat and pulled away. “Will you need a ride?”

“N-No, I have my… motorcycle.” Will nodded and bit his lip. Then he turned away, and Nico tried not to think it was for the last time. When he heard the car drive away, he turned back to his motorcycle and sat beside it, trying to wrap his head around what had happened.

He didn’t understand. How could they both be so in love with each other and still be apart at that moment? They should have been kissing in the sunset, laughing and hugging and promising beautiful things. They should have been getting back to campus together, hand in hand, while onlookers stared with shocked expressions.

Instead, Will had left and Nico was confused and exhausted.

He turned his phone back on and waited for it to stop buzzing with notifications of people trying to reach him. When it finally did, he called Leo and winced when his voice burst through the speaker. “Where have you been! We’ve been worried sick, no one has seen you and-”

“Leo, shut up for a second?” he snapped. “I’m fine… I came to clear my head. I’ll be back to campus soon. I’ll let you know when I’m there.”

He leaned against his bike and touched his head again, wincing at the throbbing pain that came from it. He looked at his shirt and shrugged. He had tons of black shirts anyway. When he finally mustered the courage to go back, he righted his bike and rode it back to campus. He went to the café and messaged his friends. It was a little fuller than the last time he’d been there, though it made sense because some people were already coming back from break.

A spring break spent in the ICU. That was without a doubt the most idiotic way he’d ever spent a vacation. Though it beat being home.

He messaged Leo and Percy and within five minutes his friends were crowding him, inspecting him, asking him questions. Nico remained silent until they backed off. Then Percy moved his hair and frowned. “Why is your head cut? Honestly, Nico you just got out of the hospital.”

“Will threw a rock at me,” he answered tiredly.

They blinked at him and raised their eyebrows. “Well… let’s be honest, you kind of deserved it,” Leo mumbled. Nico rolled his eyes. “Why didn’t you let us come in to see you at the hospital?”

“Because I knew you’d all be asking me all of these questions. About what happened with Will, and what we said and what I’d do next and on and on. I just… I couldn’t deal with them. And I still can’t.” He took a shaking breath and leaned his head against his hand. He needed a cigarette, but his pack was in his room. And none of his friends smoked.

“Nico, we actually have something we want to tell you,” Jason said.

“No questions, if you don’t want. Just hear us out,” Piper added.

Then they all looked to Annabeth and she scooted closer to Nico. “Listen,” she started. “We haven’t been very good friends. We don’t know how to help you when you get depressed. And we shouldn’t be so oblivious to what’s happening with you that you end up in the hospital. We’ve been shitty friends, and we’re sorry. We should be helping you m-”

“Oh my God, please stop,” Nico grimaced. “Where is this even coming from?”

Leo bit his lip and rubbed his neck. “At the hospital, when Will left, he sort of snapped at us. He pointed out that we don’t really pay attention to you.”

“And that’s how I like it,” he protested. “If I wanted help, I’d ask. I didn’t even ask Will for help, he just… forced his way in.” He sighed and shook his head. “Look, you guys got me away from a party when I drank too much. My need to drink has nothing to do with you guys. And I didn’t even tell you guys what I was doing when I got checked into the hospital. There was no way you could have known. You’re not shitty friends, okay? I just stay distanced and I prefer it that way really. So please stop.” They frowned and looked at him uncertainly. Frustrated, he rolled his eyes and continued, “I asked the nurses to stop letting you guys in. And every day they told me you guys were back. Even though I tried to push you guys away, you kept coming back. My phone blew up with a million calls and messages because you didn’t know where I was. And you were all there the second you heard I was in the hospital. Shitty friends would’ve gone on a Spring break road trip anyway.”

He stood and squeezed Leo’s shoulder, glancing fleetingly at the others. “It’s okay, really. Thank you. I’m going to go sleep or something.” He turned away and started for his dorm, trying to shake off the exhaustion from everything about that day.

***

His head was spinning with the flurry of emotions he’d experienced in the last hour. He had chewed his nails so badly at that point that the skin was raw.

Will knocked on Paolo’s door a little too hard and tried to keep each thought in line. When the door opened, Paolo looked worried and Will wondered what his face looked like. “I need help,” he said.

“What happened?” he asked, letting him in.

Will took a breath and told him everything, from getting a call from Percy about Nico missing and finding him, to yelling at him and throwing rocks at him, to the sudden declaration of love, to running away. He was completely talked out, confused, and feeling both pathetic and hopeful.

Paolo had listened the entire time, his facial expressions speaking for him. Doubt and shock and suspicion and concern all crossed his face, and it didn’t settle Will’s nervousness.

“I don’t know what to think, Paolo. I know he said he didn’t mean any of the things he said, but he still said them. And then he decides to tell me he loves me and….” His voice quavered and he took a breath. “I still love him. But he hurt me.”

Paolo stood and put his hands on his shoulders. “It’s no surprise that you still love him, Will. Why do you think you hated him so much?” He bit his lip and sighed. “I want to be supportive. I want to say what you want to hear and tell you to go after him, to give him a second chance.” Will grit his teeth waiting for the second part of that thought. “But I’m afraid he’ll hurt you again. And that you’ll have to go through all of this again with the same person.”

“I’m scared too!” he exclaimed. “That’s why I don’t know what to do. I mean, now he wants me back, but what if he just goes back to saying I deserve better and breaks up with me again? I don’t want to keep going in circles and getting hurt. But I don’t want to give up on him either. Because I know he meant it. I know he did, Paolo.”

His friend furrowed his eyebrows and chewed the inside of his cheek thoughtfully. “Do you have it in you to forgive what he did and try again?”

It was a long time before Will was able to answer. “I don’t know.”

“That’s a no that you wish was a yes.” Will let out a soft breath and shut his eyes. “Don’t force yourself to do something you don’t want to do. If he loves you, he’d respect that, Will.” He ran a hand through his hair and groaned as he sat on Paolo’s desk chair. “Part of me really wants to punch him in the face for springing this on you.”

“Trust me, I do too,” he mumbled. “This is too complicated. It’s not supposed to be like this. Love doesn’t hurt this much.”

***

The next day, Nico walked out to the café to get a breakfast taco and a coffee. He sat outside, smoking a much needed cigarette as he flipped through his song journal. He was on his third cigarette when the chair in front of him was pulled out.

“Can I sit?” Immediately, Nico put the cigarette out and nodded. “I thought you were quitting,” Will noted for what must have been the hundredth time since they’d met. Nico bit his lip, unsure of what to say. “So. I thought about this. You and me.” He took a breath and his blue eyes seemed faded as they looked at Nico. “I can’t….”

“You… can’t?” he repeated.

“Date you again.” Nico’s heart fell to his stomach. He couldn’t bring himself to form any words. “You hurt me too badly, Nico. I don’t trust you the same way I used to. I don’t want to date you again and spend half the time paranoid, wondering if you’ll break up with me again because you’re too upset. It’s too painful. I know that you have problems. I know you suffer with depression and it makes you do things or think things that you wish you didn’t. I get that. But it doesn’t give you the right to hurt other people, Nico.”

“I know what- I wasn’t- Will, please,” he begged, shutting his eyes, refusing to believe Will would walk away from this after everything. He bit his lip and motioned for Will to wait with his hands. He had to form the right words. “Look, I’ve… always believed I wasn’t worth loving okay? I always believed that I wasn’t worth the time, worth the effort for anyone to try. So I figured you never would, and I should’ve cut it off before you did fall in love with me. But that was stupid and I see that now. I know I messed up, but I can fix it. I’ll do anything to fix it. Just please don��t leave me.”

Will’s eyebrows scrunched together as he winced. “I didn’t. You left me. I don’t have it in me to try again when it still hurts this much.”

“I thought you loved me,” he whispered.

“I do. And that’s why…. Listen, I don’t want you to just disappear from my life again. We have this idea of either dating again or ignoring each other, and we don’t have to do that.”

Nico shut his eyes and put a hand against his forehead. “What, you mean the whole, ‘we can still be friends’ thing? Seriously?” Will sighed in exasperation and Nico opened his eyes.

He saw the raw pain on his face. It didn’t look right on him. He deserved to smile and be happy. Nico wanted to be the one to make him smile. To make him laugh again. He wanted that smile from the karaoke night. The smile from their first date. The smile from the first gifts Nico got him. He hated himself for causing this heartbreaking expression on his face.

Slowly, Nico reached over the table and took his hands. “Okay,” he whispered. “I don’t want you to disappear either. And as much as I want you back, I don’t want you to be hurting the entire time. I know what I did. And I know it was horrible. I’m so sorry, Will.” His eyes were focused on him, his cheeks pink from the contact. “Tell me what to do to get you to trust me again. Please. I’ll do anything.”

A small breath escaped his lips and a small, tired smile tugged at his lips. “I don’t know, Nico.” He pulled his hands away and rubbed his neck. “I have to go to my internship. I’ll see you around.”

He stood and walked away, leaving Nico to stare at the seat he’d been occupying in absolute defeat.

For a long time, Nico wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He didn’t trust himself to go back to his dorm. There was a part of him that was angry. With Will for saying that he loved him but not giving him another chance. With himself for having fucked up so badly that the kindest person on the planet couldn’t trust him anymore.

There was a part of him that blamed his depression. It was the part of him that told him he was right. He was unlovable. He fucked up too much. He wasn’t worth it. He ruined beautiful things.

Before long he was in his room, pacing angrily, trying to stop the thoughts racing his head. He wanted to shut them up. He wanted to stop them and stop thinking them because they’re what got him into the situation in the first place.

It was about three in the afternoon when Nico couldn’t stand it anymore. He opened his fridge and pulled out what he had left of his liquor. The first thing he saw was a bottle of tequila and he unscrewed it, pressing the bottle to his lips before the smell hit his nose and made him dizzy.

His hands started shaking and he stared at the bottle.

I knew about you using alcohol to run away from problems.

Nico was tired of running. Tired of giving in to these bottles. He wasn’t helping himself by repeating the same mistakes.

So instead of drinking it, he stood and began pouring the liquor down the sink. He stared as the clear liquid flowed into the drain, mixing with hot water. Then he turned and grabbed the other bottles, even the small collectibles, and dumped them too. He grabbed his wallet and cut his fake ID in half. Maybe that didn’t make it certain he’d stop buying alcohol in the future, but it did make it more difficult.

Then he turned on his laptop and ran his hand through his hair in anxiety and frustration. After a few searches, he finally found a number to call.

He dialed it on his phone and waited for the click. “Hello, this is LifeWorks, how can we help you?” a soft, feminine voice greeted.

Nico swallowed the knot in his throat and tried to ignore the thumping of his heart. “Um, hello. My name is Nico di Angelo and… I’m interested in starting therapy.”

Click Here for Ch. 23