#could Higuruma pioneer institutions/systems for rehabilitation (himself being a beneficiary of them?) like a lab rat

[sandsorghum]

complexities,perplexities or some thoughts I had at 2am about kento & hiromi

idk im just ramblin' here - u been warned

When i first fell for nanami kento, i thought it was because of his commitment to his principles, the steadfastness in that regard.

i definitely find a parallel of that in Higuruma, even though it was less tempered idealism than "lost (his) temper" idealism - Yet if anything, that tragic outburst of murderous passion is testament of his obsession and zeal. It's his temporary denial and anguish that underscores years of enduring such bitterness and frustration, the decades long slog proving the strength of his willpower, that accumulates into one terrible moment of weakness; a process that simultaneously corroborates and yet is corrosive to his convictions. And now his conscience will have to suffer that slip-up forever.

Something has died in him; if it wasn't already dying for a long time. What survives, subsequently? Or what is rebirthed? I don't regard his psychotic break as fragility. After all, can we recognise someone's strength only after they've been pushed to a breaking point? And it takes a different sort of strength of will to rebuild, to live past who you thought you were, to accept becoming someone you thought you'd never be. Maybe it even takes an admission of weakness, and gentleness...

Higuruma ultimately finds his North Star again, remembers why he became an attorney, it's a return to his original beliefs; There's a definite through line despite the ramification of his actions, the kind of consistency and commitment which I find so compelling, that's a quality he shares with Nanami.

But Nanami's lapse is far less ruinous, his escapist delusion leads him to play a salaryman for a few years, compared to Higuruma becoming a damning executioner in a day. When Nanami rediscovered his purpose, he just shrugged off the corporate schtick and becomes a jujutsu sorceror again, in a sense accepting what he knew he was destined for from an early age. He accepts the truth and returns to a reality already familiar, albeit unpleasantly familiar, to him.

For Higuruma there's so such going back. That "reality" has vanished. No old job or routine he can simply pick up again.

Higuruma's "getting lost" has much bigger consequences - he can no longer be a lawyer, what was once his calling are now mere echoes of the past, reminders of the things that made him him.

The years of effort molding his identity have been entirely stripped away, by his own hands. Imagine all that pain and confusion on top of how hard it is for him to navigate through his guilt - fighting Sukuna was meant to be an act of, if not absolution then penance, hell, probably even capital punishment. But he didn't die so now what? it's just...purgatory for him?

Adding to that, he's supposed to be the 'next' Gojo Satoru? Perceived that way for his power alone? Admired or even looked up to, in some respects? How laughable. How cruel.

Pressured to live up to that mantle, when he already has such a hollowed out sense of self, I suspect being valorised that way is a further type of torturous erosion. But I also know Higuruma isn't the type to permit himself to wallow in such self-pity for long; ironically in a way that makes him resemble Satoru, he won't let reputation define who he is. So, I don't think that bothers him as much.

The real challenge is finding out how to operate in a new system, above or outside the laws he once upheld, in a way that's aligned to his fundamental values, to preserve some version of his old self. Now he's in a job where he can make the call to kill curse users, at his own discretion? Who's going to question his judgement, besides himself? What's the line between vigilante justice and divine retribution?

So, I honestly don't know if Higuruma can even adhere to those same strict ethical codes he had before, how much his basic sense of right and wrong has shifted or will shift due to the nature of his new work.

Which is all to say, I wonder now if maybe the appeal I see in Higuruma isn't exactly steadfastness at all, but flux instead; that is, the seemingly contradictory responsibility and impetus of self-determination, through the construct and malleability of moral choices. If there is anything consistent, any proof which makes him an unquestionably principled character, perhaps it would be the very questioning and interrogation of which of his actions are right and fair, a thorough self-examination. If I love Nanami for his stalwart certainty, strangely I'm equally drawn to Higuruma for his rigourous scrutiny, his so-called "uncertainties", how he holds space for...not doubt, but other perspectives and possibilities. And how he finds his way through that maze of multiplicities, whether he's stumbling or striding, I want to accompany him on that journey. Goodness, restraint, mercy...none of these are foregone conclusions with him; that's what makes him so enticing to me.

also yall seen that nose of his? sheesh

anw obvsly can't stop yapping about them my inbox is open if anyone wants to yak about how they will fold you in half are so unique