#cos that's how gaster rolls

[an-unraveling-unknown]

Heyy, friend!!

Do you have any character of yours you could/wanna talk about? :))

YOO FRIEND!! :D

Okay - not necessarily a character, but moreso a concept that I am tacking on to a few characters between two different projects for the time being. The term "Time is a flat circle" generally refers to the idea that, since time is infinite, everything will eventually repeat itself- a bit like the infinite monkey theorem, stating that if you stick a bunch of monkeys in a room and have them bang on a bunch of type writers for an infinite amount of time, its pretty much a given that they'll eventually write out the complete works of William Shakespeare.

To put it into perspective, "Time is a flat circle" can best be applied to literary or video-format media; something that is the same in all appearances, even when you read or watch it over and over, remaining the same even if your own perspective changes. Your life will repeat an infinite number of times, and everything that has happened will happen again, and has happened before. Think Ouroboros. (Not to be confused with linear infinity!! or, a timeline without a beginning or an end, no closed loop)

How it applies to characters is below the cut, cos' this may get lengthy again (sorry)

(For a better look at the concept by someone who did a much better job at executing it than I ever will, check out No Through Road! Its a fascinating few videos really, and Maverick Files also covered it in a way that clears some things up if you find yourself confused.)

First off, the thus far Untitled Project, otherwise known as "Local Ancient Android Confused That People Give a Shit [About Them.]" There are three embodiments of fear known to date:

Locke: Only technically an embodiment, artificially created by means of the fear they cary and how they present themselves. Locke, to put it simply, causes the fear - they are the catalyst.

Deimos: A "true embodiment," per se. I've said it a bunch of times, but Deimos is the fear - his title is quite literally "Embodiment of Human Fear," he has it down to a science at this point.

Phobos: Another "true embodiment," Phobos is best summed up as the reaction to the fear - much like his (current) namesake, the greek god Phobos. Fight, Flight, Freeze, Flop, Friend and etc. So lightly connecting all of this together, you have this trifecta of Messed Up Little Guys™, which, as I talked about above the cut, can fall into two categories that I know of in terms of the fear cycle:

now, I haven't *really* figured out which way I'm going with this, and the Ouroboros-shaped one admittedly doesn't make all that much sense, but Deimos and Locke talk about things like this all the time when they meet up, (It's a little hard not to when you're both millions of years old and concepts such as those are essentially timeless) and it will likely come up often enough once I get an actual narrative rolling. Not to mention Locke's whole schtick of being mainly based on the metamorphism of stories and folklore at they move through different times and societies with different ideals, but that's besides the point. Undertale AU - guess who has a undertale au <<< this dipshit /aff This one also goes into "Time is a flat circle", but moreso into the idea of this concept breaking down - in short, time travel happened. What if Ouroboros choked? Well, then the giant cosmic serpent would bite itself, and thats just bad news all around. Also, it's entirely W.D Gaster's fault.

Now, theres already a loop going on in Undertale for obvious reasons (both in the fact that the game mechanics are made a very real part of the world in reseting and in the fact that Toby Fox just couldn't get the game to delete itself after completion and henceforth there is really no truly happy ending to what we see- killed by Flowey? super incredibummer, reset. Genocide? that sucks, there are in fact consequences for your actions, reset. reach the surface? well, the only way to continue on past this is to reset, so you and the monsters stuck in the underground perpetually. death of the author in some funky way I guess) so what's the harm in adding one more? Also, nice parallels. Also, because throwing philosophical concepts at my work is fun.

[gurestart]

Schrödinger's Elemental

In which Gaster contemplates the anatomy and physiology of a fire elemental, while Grillby is just lazy. A short Grillster fic.

AO3 link

-

It was after hours at Grillby's. Gaster was sitting at the bar, observing Grillby as the bartender cleaned glassware. His gaze was drawn to the elemental's glasses. He knew hidden behind all the light reflected on the glasses were Grillby's eyes.

What would it be like to catch him unawares and take off those glasses? Gaster stifled a laugh behind his hand. Would Grillby's eyes dart around unfocused, trying to see where his glasses went? Or would it reveal a dashing face with smouldering eyes, unfazed by the antics of a mischievous skeleton? Heat spread across his face and his other hand shot up to better hide his blush. He had a hypothesis to test.

"Grillby!" he called out, grabbing the elemental's attention. He signed as he spoke, “Come here for a second.”

Grillby placed the glass on the counter and walked over. The moment he was in range, Gaster reached out and deftly plucked the glasses from the elemental's face, leaving Grillby no time to react at all. And the skeleton saw...

Fire. Bright orange fire curling down into a vague jawline and neck. Flames flickering over where a face should be, but no eyes or mouth or any facial features in sight. Until two horizontal slits of light, slightly brighter than the surrounding flames, shimmered into existence at the middle. It gradually thickened and blinked, forming a pair of shining white eyes that burnt curiously at the silent skeleton.

"Were your eyes closed the entire time?" Gaster exclaimed.

Grillby's eyes crinkled in confusion. "...No? They just were not there when you took my glasses off."

Gaster paused. Then he gaped, hands signing incredulously, "You didn’t have eyes?"

The elemental sighed, though there was a hint of fondness in his exasperation. "No, Gaster. I just sometimes get lazy about showing my eyes when I have glasses on. Others can hardly see my eyes past the glass anyway when there is so much light reflecting around it." He winked. "I’m a being of fire and magic. Just because you cannot see my eyes doesn't mean I am not looking at you."

"Oh," Gaster hummed contemplatively. Interesting. He had assumed Grillby's eyes would always be visible because whenever the glasses were off, he would see those two white slits blinking back at him. The only times Gaster thought he had observed their absence were when the elemental was asleep, the white slits disappearing as if covered by eyelids.

Wait. Grillby's words played through his mind again. I am looking at you when you do not notice. "O-oh," he stammered, no hands covering his blush this time.

Grillby crackled a laugh and plucked the glasses out of Gaster's boneless (hah) fingers, putting them back on. As always there were no discernible nose or ears for the glasses to perch on. They just sat nicely where they were supposed to be. Magic.

His eyes were covered again, but Gaster knew the elemental was smiling because he had parted his lips slightly to let the bright white light of his mouth stand out against the orange flames. Or perhaps... he had formed a mouth just to smile? He thought back to his observations of Grillby's face.

There were times when he could not see the white light of Grillby's mouth or a moving jawline when he spoke, so it was safe to assume the elemental’s mouth was not always visible when speaking. Which lead to the question of whether he actually needed a mouth to speak, or was his voice magically projected just as his sight was?

Yet Gaster had definitely seen Grillby's mouth move in sync with vocalisations before, usually when he was smiling or grimacing or laughing or just generally expressing emotions with his mouth while he talked. So did Grillby only manifest his mouth for certain expressions, or was it simply tucked behind a pair of invisible lips, waiting to be revealed at the right moment?

And what about his lips? Were they always there or were they created on demand? Gaster knew those lips existed somehow. They were a perfect pair of lips: soft, warm, inviting... and very distracting every time he had the opportunity to affirm their existence.

Yet right now he was hard-pressed to actually spot those lips among the flickering oranges and reds of a head-shaped flame. Thus, there was no indication if his mouth was actually in there, right now, as long as his lips were closed. Schrödinger's mouth... Perhaps he should open the box to confirm its contents existed—

"...Gaster."

The sound of his name shook him out of his thoughts. He realised he had been staring at Grillby's invisible-perhaps-hypothetical mouth for the entire time his mind went off on a tangent and was instantly mortified.

"Sorry about that," he laughed nervously, eye lights darting to and away from the glasses that may or may not had white slits behind them. "Got carried away thinking about—" your lips, and how I would like open them "—quantum mechanics."

Oh dear, that was the very opposite of smooth. He snapped his jaw shut and slapped his hands flat on the counter to stop digging himself into a hole.

If Grillby had visible eyebrows, they would surely be frowning now. All he revealed instead was a confused blue flicker of his flames. "My face made you think of... quantum mechanics?"

The skeleton shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know how my mind spun so far away."

Grillby was silent for a moment. Then, slowly and purposefully like the cat that swallowed the canary, he leaned forward and rested his arms on the bar counter, close enough that Gaster could feel the soft warmth of the elemental's flaming head against his cheekbones. The white line of his open mouth curved into a smirk. "I'd like to hear what was on your mind."

Being so close, Gaster could see past the reflections in Grillby's glasses to spot his eyes crinkling in amusement, and something else... deeper. Captivated by some unknown force, Gaster leaned forward as well.

"I was just thinking about how I’m not sure if there is always a mouth behind those lips of yours, especially when," he lowered his voice in what he hoped was a sultry tone—as sultry as he could in an accent as strange as his font, "I can barely see your lips."

"Well, having a mouth would mean there is a cavity in my head." Grillby winked again. "Let's just say I am quite adept at controlling the placement and temperature of my flames. As for my lips..." He was so close now that he only needed to whisper, "If you have trouble seeing them, perhaps you would like to check through other means if they are here or not?"

Grinning, Gaster whispered back, "I would very much like to."

And the box was opened.

-

A/N: This fic is probably a bit silly. I was thinking about how in anime and manga, there is a trope of taking off glasses in a seductive or comical manner. Like how a character would tip their glasses down to woo someone with their eyes, or their glasses get knocked off to reveal eyes squinting so hard they become two pairs of?? lips?? Anyway I thought it would be funnier if there were no eyes behind the glasses, just a blank face of fire. Then it got me thinking if Grillby as a being of fire actually needed facial features to sense the world, or did he just manifest them to let others understand his expressions, because not everyone can read the colour of his flames. Thus this silly fic and its probably inappropriate use of the Schrödinger's cat metaphor was spawned.

[kittysukagasterfics]

Devils In Disguise

Note: I know you just said Yandere!Sam but, I just couldn’t resist adding their yandere skeleton boyfriend. Also, this isn’t canon to the regular storyline. Anyway, onto the fic!

Handplates belongs to: @zarla-s

Requested by: @randomstuff7739

Summary: What’s equally as good as a yandere skeleton? A yandere cinnamon roll! What’s a typical day for these two yandere lovers like?

    Sam knew their relationship was based on nothing more than obsession and an empty void that needed to be filled. They could honestly care less though. The Human was more than happy to be submissive to their boyfriend’s demands, no matter how ridiculous the request may be.

     For example, Sam had been playing on their phone, minding their own business, when Gaster suddenly came up to them. He seemed calm but his voice was practically laced with anger as he demanded that Sam hand over their phone so he could, ‘make sure they weren’t talking to anyone else’. That demand alone had been ridiculous since they had no reason to have a contact other than his. However, Sam just handed over their device, no questions asked.

     But Sam wasn’t exactly innocent themselves. Everyday when the scientist came home from work, they would be impatiently waiting there, pouting about how he was late for their daily cuddle session. After Gaster explained that Alphys wanted to hang out after work, the Human had suggested that next time he should just ignore his co-worker when this happened. The skeleton actually chuckled when they told him this and  started to tease them about being so jealous about something like that. He did eventually assure them that he already knew about Alphys’ feelings for him but he would never feel the same way about her. Hearing the skeleton say that managed to calm the Human down.

     To Sam, that was all they needed in life now. Nothing else mattered. Nobody except their new family mattered. Of course, just because the two lovers thought it was normal, didn’t mean that others thought it was too. The brothers were always concerned about their dad and parental unit’s behavior and even Toby could that the relationship was a bit unhinged. But whenever they tried to question any of the two, the little skeletons would either get dismissed or given some generic excuse.

    “um, parental unit? are you and dad ok? you two are acting weird...”

    “*You tell him that you and Gaster are perfectly fine.~ You also say that it not always nice to be nosy about other peoples’ business.~”

     That response from Sam was bad enough, but his brother had been basically scolded when he asked Gaster about it.

    “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS BOSS PARENTAL UNIT AROUND? ARE THEY IN TROUBLE?”

“No, Sam would never cause me any trouble.~ Also, never ask me nonsense like that again.~ It’s rude.~”

     After multiple conversations like that, the brothers just gave up trying to make sense of it. They still found it weird and unusual but were careful not to say that in front of the two adults. Toby on the other hand, was not giving up so easily. The little pup soon made it his personal mission to get Sam away from the skeleton for as long as possible, thinking that maybe it would snap the albino out of whatever was wrong with them.

     That turned out to be an extremely bad idea as Sam was determined to never be more than one second away from their lover. They would scold Toby once they figured out what he was trying to do and shoo him away. Any attempts to gain their attention again would result in Gaster literally throwing him out of the room they were currently in and slamming the door. The poor dog had no choice but to walk away, whimpering with his tail between his legs. Neither of the two lovers ever seemed to care though.

     To them, a day was only perfect when they could be alone, cuddling tightly against one another on Gaster’s office couch. Usually they would talk about how much they loved each other and how far they would go to prove it. To add to the creepiness in the two’s conversations, Gaster had once joked to Sam by suggesting that he take them into the Underground and let the Human charm their way to every monsters’ heart, gaining their trust and friendship only to be tricked into being alone with the Human and having the scientist kill said monster without hesitation. Sam thought he was being serious though and tried to convince him to go through with the plan. The skeleton was quick to shoot down the idea though.

    “Sam, you know that would raise too much suspicion.~ Besides, with your low HP, you could easily be killed.~ Very weak.~”

    “*You huff and tell Gaster that you’re not weak.~” ‘*He shushes you by placing a bony finger against your mouth...~’

    “Now let’s not argue and get so angry, Sam.~ I managed to get the day off today so we can both just rela-”

     Before Gaster could finish his sentence, his phone that was sitting on his desk began ringing. Sam and Gaster exchanged annoyed looks as the scientist untangled himself from the small human and walked over to answer it. Sam could hear him talking, probably to Alphys. They could tell that he was trying to keep as calm as possible and not get angry with his co-worker. From what they could gather from the conversation, the lizard monster wanted the skeleton to come in and help her with an invention. The Human could feel their blood practically boil at this. After a few more minutes of talking, Gaster hung up and with an agitated sigh, picked up his bag and walked over to the door.

    “Alphys needs me to help immediately and she wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.~”

    “*You tell him that Alphys is starting to get on your nerves.~” ‘*Gaster chuckles and plants a kiss on your forehead.’

    “I know, Sam, but don’t worry.~ I’ll be sure to bring you back a present for being good, alright?~”

     The Human perked up when they heard this. Gaster spoiling them with little gifts and sweets was nothing new, but the way he talked about the present made it sound really special. Sam started asking about what the present was but the scientist was very vague in his answer and left a frustrated Sam behind in the Lab. He knew that he would soon get many phone calls and text messages from his lover throughout his workday, but Gaster didn’t mind. That just meant that Sam was concerned about him. Like they were suppose to be.

(Later that day)

     Sam sniffed as they wiped away the tears from their eyes. Gaster had been gone for at least three hours now and they were starting to worry. It was already bad enough that they had to get up from their sobbing session on the office’s couch to make lunch for everyone, but now there was the possibility that Alphys had taken their boyfriend away from them. Their Senpai, cruelly ripped away from them, and any attempts to desperately text the skeleton for answers just lead to him not responding. There was no point in living if that was the case. If Gaster couldn’t love them, no one could.

    ‘*You start to get up from the couch when the door suddenly swings open.~’

     When the Human looked up, they let out a gasp. Gaster was standing there, deranged look on his face and holding a medium-sized gift box. Sam immediately jumped up and ran over to him, wrapping their arms tightly around his waist. The skeleton nearly fell over from the force of the hug but soon started chuckling as he ruffled the Human’s snow-white hair. Picking them up with his magic, Gaster walked over to the couch and sat down before placing his lover in his lap and handed them the gift.

    “I hope you enjoy your present, my love.~ It took a while to get it, lots of struggling and a lot of hassle.~”

     Sam excitedly took the present, carefully unwrapping it. It was a gift from their beloved, so extra caution was always needed. As soon as they got the box opened, the Human looked inside, only to see nothing but a large pile of a white and powdery substance. Sam gave Gaster a very confused look, but the scientist just kept the smile on his face, as if waiting for realization to hit.

     It only took a couple of minutes for Sam to realize what the pile was. Tears of joy began to fall down their cheeks as they hugged and kissed him. They thanked Gaster what felt like millions of time. When Sam told him that he didn’t have to do this for them, Gaster laughed and pulled his small lover into a deep kiss. After breaking away, he continue to keep a tight hold on Sam, smiling.

    “Anything for you, Sam.~ You know I would do anything for you.~”

    “*You tell him that you know, and you love it.~”

Note: Wonder what that white stuff is. I certainly don’t know. Anyway, thank you to @randomstuff7739 for the prompt and sorry if this wasn’t exactly what you were asking for. But I hope you all enjoyed reading! I love all of you! Requests are always welcomed! Stay tuned for more.

[spacegate]

Gaster Blastober 2019 - Week Three

Participating in Gaster Blastertober 2019 put on by @gbpack-discord. I will be doing my best to write short ficlets every week. I’ll be adding them to the side stories fic on AO3 eventually. Hope you guys enjoy! Most will be kinda fluffy cause I feel icky and need some smiles <3

Prompt: A moment of Fear

Fandom: Undertale

Warnings: None

Fluff-rating: 40%

Papyrus was running.

His breaths came in quick, shallow pants as his booted paws propelled him forward, each paw barely touching the ground in his haste. Water flew up in droplets in the wake of each step, causing the sound of it to continuously echo in the cavern.

“Keep going!” Undyne roared over the sound of his breathing. She sat astride him, one hand gripping one of the spines at the base of his neck, the other gripping a magical spear. She was heavy, fully armored, but it was something Papyrus was well used to. Papyrus was also geared up: googles protecting his eye sockets, strategic leather padding, and a saddlebag of supplies made sure he would be ready for anything.

But no matter how long and hard he trained, he would never be ready to hear that his father was in danger.

Undyne shouted directions over the noise of echos, Papyrus turning on a dime to keep up his rate of speed. Together, they twisted in and out of various nooks and cavern walls, until Papyrus skidded to a stop. It was only years of working together that kept Undyne from flying off her friend at the sudden stop.

Before them, was a cave in. A whole passage in Waterfall was blocked with chunks of stone too large to move for a normal monster. But Papyrus was not a ‘normal’ monster. With practiced speed he immediately got to work, peeling away pieces of stone and crushing them into tiny harmless bits. Undyne threw her magical spears into the tunnel, keeping it from collapsing any further. They were the first to arrive, which was usually the case, with the rest of the rescue team on their way. Papyrus could not be stopped and he was gone as soon as the call came in.

“I’m heading to New Home to visit Sans,” Grillby had called merely a few hours ago. “and Asgore has invited us to tea, should you like to come.”

Papyrus had replied that he was on duty at the moment, and as much as he wanted to travel along with his father to visit his brother, he was a professional. Grillby was subjected to a speech about how the Great and Vigilant Papyrus must keep an eye out until relieved. Chuckling, his beloved father wished him a good day and hung up.

It was only a while later that the entire cavern shook and sent dust and stone flying everywhere. The long dead volcano that has been their source of power shuddered in an earthquake.  Then came the phone call.

Grillby was trapped, along with a few other monsters in Waterfall. They had managed to get into a safe spot before the tunnels collapsed around them. While nobody was hurt, it would not be long until the oxygen ran out. Being a fire monster, he relied on on it to keep his flames going, if they snuffed out….

Papyrus refused to think of what would happen. He won’t allow that to happen. So there he was, using his bare strength to claw away chunks of stone, his soul thumping in his rib cage. An icy fear gripped his bones as his body felt numb. It was almost like a bad dream, but the pain of his claws digging into stone and the burning thump of his soul told him it was very much real.

He snarled in frustration. It wasn’t as easy as just digging down. Every stone had the potential to cause yet another cave in If removed. It was like a horrible puzzle. Papyrus was great at puzzles, but at the moment he could not appreciate them. Tears stung his eyes behind his goggles as a crooning noise bubbled out from his muzzle in distress.

The monster who had raised him and his brother was below his paws, but separated by piles of stone. Stone that was currently smothering him along with other innocent monsters. His entire life was bonded to the kindness that was shown to him and his brother so many years ago, he wouldn’t know what to do if-

“KEEP GOING PAP!” Undyne shouted from her work of reinforcing the cave. As boulders rolled away from his paw, she was picking them up and slamming them into sturdy piles to hold up the roof of the cage. “YOU GOT THIS!”

A warmth flooded his ribs. Yes. He DOES have this. He was an expert now! He backed up, locking his limbs and straightening his neck and tail. A humming, blue glow built in his chest, rising higher and higher in pitch until the magic launched right into the rocks. His claws gripped into the floor, pouring magic as strong as he could into the rocks. The rocks began to glow orange, then red as the intense heat softened them. As soon as they were red, Papyrus cut the blast and shoved his fore-paws into the stone. His claws dug out melted rock, clawing until his paw broke through into a pocket of air.

He could smell the stale air get pulled out of the hollow as fresh air replaced it. He stuck his muzzle into the hole and barked.

He could hear monsters talking, yelling, crying. He smelled fear, but at least no pain. He dug his claws in after his muzzle and began to rip into the hole, making it wider.

“Papyrus?” He could smell smoke, french fries, and pine cones. A warm hand touched his muzzle and he burbled out a response of happiness and worry.

“Keep going son, you’re doing well.” The hand was removed as the fire monster moved back, giving Papyrus more room to dig.

“See? I told you all. We’ll be okay, that’s my son. Just stay back for a while.” The other monsters quieted down, and Papyrus felt a swell of pride and love in his soul. He had always known that his father was immensely proud of him, but it was always wonderful to hear it.

He could hear the other Rescue Monsters show up. Some were taping off the area to prevent civilians from coming in, some were discussing the cavern’s integrity, and others began to help Papyrus dig. He had to be careful not to accidentally knock someone out with his tail, as it began to wag in relief. By now most of this co-workers had enough sense to stay away from his back end whenever possible.

It wasn't long until he had clawed a hole large enough for even the biggest monster to escape, the others helping to reinforce the hole so there wasn’t any more danger of collapse. Undyne jumped into the hole, and began to help the trapped monsters out of it, moving quickly and carefully. Papryus used his snoot to act like a railing, keeping the monsters from tripping and falling down the slope of stone. They were quickly ushered off to the side, where blankets and medical personal were waiting. Together, everyone got out safely, the last being a very familiar monster.

Grillby was barely even out of the hole before he was snatched up by the back of his shirt and carried to even ground. With soft clicking noises, Papyrus shape-shifted back into his bipedal form, and immediately hugged so tightly that Grillby felt his flames compress.

“OH FATHER, I WAS SO WORRIED!” The usual brash and confident voice was now colored by fear and relief. “I WAS AFRAID I WOULD NOT GET TO YOU IN TIME!”

“I didn’t worry.” Grillby smiled as Papyrus squeezed tighter. “After all, it was you coming to rescue me.”

“I WAS STILL WORRIED! DO NOT GET TRAPPED IN ANYMORE CAVE INS, FATHER! I FORBID IT!” Papyrus shook a bit, sniffling back tears as he outright lifted Grillby off the ground and into an even tighter hug. “YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE IN DANGER!”

Grillby coughed up a plume of smoke from the tightness. “Okay, I won’t!”, he wheezed as he received a skeleton nuzzle. Then, he was put back down on the ground and Papyrus removed his scarf to try and brush off the dust on Grillby’s clothes. Grillby looked over at Undyne for help, but she just smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

Papyrus was so relieved, his soul calming down from the terror he was subjected to. The entire rescue barely took more than an hour since getting the call, but it felt like so much longer. 

As he began to pick the dust off his beloved father’s shoulders, he vowed that he would always be there to protect his family, no matter what.

[crimsonfantrash-blog]

Don’t Forget - Sans x Gaster (Human AU)

Chapter Two - First Day on the Job

Monday had rolled around much sooner than anyone had anticipated. Much to Gaster's dismay, the weekend just wasn't long enough. He got to the lab much before his shift was supposed to start, out of lack of anything better to do. A cup of hot coffee on the corner of his desk, a mountain of paperwork and too much free time could drive a person to go to work at six in the morning when they didn't start until eight.

The door opened at seven forty-five, and Gaster turned his head to see his new assistant early for his first day. He frowned slightly. Early on the first day... Hm...

"Uh, hi." Sans said. His voice echoed through the room. "I'm a bit early. I hope there's no problem with that."

"No, not at all. I hadn't expected you to be early, but there isn't any issue with it." The Royal Scientist replied. "Come over here, we're going to talk about the expectations and rules."

Sans closed the door and walked over, standing beside his new boss' desk. "So, what do I do?"

"Your first task is to refill my coffee mug." The other replied. He tapped the mug with his index finger. "There's a coffee pot in the break room."

Sans frowned, but shook the expression. Wouldn't wanna get fired the first day, and fifteen minutes before he was even supposed to start, no less. "Got ya, boss. How do you like your coffee?"

"Three sugar, two cream." Gaster replied, wrapped up in his paperwork still. Sans took the mug by the handle, and like a good little go-for, went into the room labeled 'Break Room'. A few minutes later, Gaster had a cup of coffee on his desk again.

"There ya go." Sans said. Gaster looked up at him, and Sans just stared back.

"Three sugar, two cream?"

"Three sugar, two cream." Sans confirmed. "What do I do now, Doc?"

Gaster cringed internally at the broken English. "We're going to talk about a uniform."

"What the heck is a uniform?" Sans asked. Gaster wanted to hang himself.

"Specific clothes you have to wear for a job. Today, your street clothes are fine. It's the first day, and you are... Apparently misinformed about uniforms." Gaster explained. His assistant made a face of understanding. "The uniform is a straight colour button down shirt, a tie, black or khaki slacks, and dress shoes. Think you can manage to get things like that in your closet by next Monday?"

"What's the female uniform like?"

If ever there was a question that absolutely boggled Gaster's mind, that would be it. "... Several questions. Firstly; do you see anyone here who is female?"

"No. We're the only ones here." Sans replied.

"The janitor is a woman, but that's about it. She doesn't do the same job as us. Second question, why do you care about the female uniform?"

"Was just curious..." Sans muttered. Gaster internally facepalmed. Right... This guy was a piece of work.

"To answer your absolutely confusing question, if a woman were to work here, the uniform would probably be the same. Maybe minus the tie."

"What about a skirt-"

"Save all questions like that for after nine A.M, please, and thank you." He pointed to the desk in the corner of the room. "Please move that desk over here, Mr. Fontz."

"You can just call me Sans. Mr. Fontz is too formal." Sans replied.

"Move the desk, Mr. Fontz." Gaster repeated. Sans moved the desk closer, almost directly next to Gaster's.

"What now?" He asked.

"Sit."

Sans sat. "What now?"

"Keep doing that."

Sans frowned. "Is that all I'm gonna do all day?"

"Probably. That's mostly the job."

He frowned deeply. "Why am I getting paid to sit?"

"Asgore insisted I have someone around here to socialize with. I told him that I wasn't a very social person, but he didn't exactly listen." The scientist leaned back in his chair.

"Well, can we do science stuff?" Sans asked. Gaster was becoming very impatient.

"Later, Mr. Fontz." He answered.

An hour of silence passed before something made contact with the side of Gaster's head and landed on his desk. A paper airplane... He unfolded it. Written in red pen was the words 'i'm bored let's do something'. He glared at his assistant, who shrugged. Gaster crumpled the paper up, throwing it towards the trashcan, it bouncing off the rim and rolling on the floor before Gaster fixed his glasses and went back to his work. "Psssst." He glared at Sans, his hair covering his annoyed expression. He glanced back at his work. "Psssssssst. Gaaaaster."

"Please be quiet so that I can concentrate, Mr. Fontz." Gaster said. Another paper airplane was thrown at him. He glared at his assistant again, making sure that Sans had seen his annoyance. "Please stop that so that I can concentrate."

Sans folded his arms, blowing his hair out of his face. Gaster unfolded the plane. Written in red pen was 'i wanna actually do stuff, dude'. "This isn't a very challenging job."

"You want challenging? Fine, I'll give you challenging. Make sure you don't have dull moment at all today." The scientist stood, and returned a few moments later with... A cube. It had different colours on it. He mixed it up a bit before slamming it onto Sans' desk. "Solve that."

Sans picked the cube up. "The hell is this thing?"

"An intelligence test. Get all of the colours on the same side as the cubes with that colour. Match it."

"So, like, one side all red, one side all green-"

"Yes."

"Okay."

Gaster sat as his desk. Five minutes later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He looked over, eyes widening. "How-"

"Solved it." Sans interrupted. "That was easy. Gimme something challenging."

Gaster muttered under his breath. "I've had just about enough, Mr. Fontz." He said. "I don't think you're cut out for this."

"What? I solved the cube. Isn't that what you wanted?" Sans asked.

"You aren't very mature." Gaster replied. "If I really need to hire someone because of Asgore's insistence that I can't do this alone, despite having done it alone since I was sixteen years old, an assistant that could show a little decorum, and engage in intelligent conversation would be appreciated. You asked me about the female uniform, despite there being no females here, and then proceeded to throw paper airplanes at my head...!"

The Royal Scientist was turning red in the face, and Sans looked a bit hurt. "Alright, I'm sorry..." The smaller male replied. "I'm not used to... Doing nothing, and then getting paid. I've always had to work for it. I'm just kinda... Nervous, and a bit confused."

Gaster relaxed in his seat. Right, first day jitters... "Please, get me more coffee."

Sans stood from his seat and was back with a fresh cup of coffee within minutes. Gaster sipped. His assistant had remembered how he liked his coffee... Which wasn't much, but it showed that he retained memory pretty well. "Um... Could we do science stuff?"

Gaster put the mug down. "Yeah. Sure. Why the hell not? That's what we're getting paid to do."

~~~~~~~~~~

Punch out time, five P.M. The taller male had locked the doors after they'd exited the building, looking to his assistant. "You did... Okay work today. Less airplane crashes from now on, please."

Sans laughed a little. "Sure thing, Doc."

"Please, it's Gaster."

"Well, then, call me Sans."

Gaster paused. "Fine. Sans it is."

Sans grinned. "Could also call me The Legendary Fart Master."

"I am not calling you that." The Royal Scientist protested. "You're lucky I'm even calling you Sans. I don't do first names."

"Yeah, you do. You called the King 'Asgore' earlier. That's his first name." Sans said. Gaster flushed pink in embarrassment.

"I've personally known Asgore for about seven years, before his child was even born. We're on a first name basis. I have known you a few hours. It's different."

Sans pulled his phone out. "We should exchange phone numbers."

"Why on Earth should we do that?" Gaster asked.

"So you can know me for more hours without having a paper airplane thrown at ya."

Gaster stood there for a moment. It seemed his co-worker wanted to be friendly... "Okay. Sure." He pulled his phone out, they exchanged numbers, and then they both shoved their phones in their pockets.

"See ya tomorrow." Sans said.

"See you tomorrow."

~~~~~~~~~~

"Marco!" Sans yelled as he got in.

"Poooolooooo!!" Papyrus yelled back.

"Nerd's home!!" Sans heard Undyne yell. He mentally prepared himself for the hyper pre-teen and teen as they ran down the steps.

"Can we have money?" Papyrus asked. Wow, what a great question to walk in to. Not 'how was work, Sans,' or 'how are you Sans,'. 'Can we have money?'. Undyne knocked him on the head.

"That's not how it's done, Papyrus! He's more likely to give us money if he's in a good mood! Make him smile, then rob him!!"

Sans raised an eyebrow. This sure was interesting to watch. "Oh! Okay, Undyne!" Papyrus said. She facepalmed as he looked back up to Sans. "Brother, I love you lots! Can we have money?"

"What for, and how much?"

"Glow sticks, and twenty G." Papyrus replied. Sans pulled out his wallet.

"You are killing me, smalls. I bought you guys glow sticks last week." He handed Undyne the money as Papyrus hopped up and down.

"I love glow sticks almost as much as I love you, brother."

"We're gonna get 'em tomorrow, after Paps gets out of school." Undyne said. Sans had hung his hoodie up and kicked his slippers off.

"Fine by me." He plopped on the couch, leaning back. It wasn't a very comfortable couch... But it beat standing, or sitting on the floor.

His phone started ringing, and he picked up. "Hello?"

Silence on the other end for a moment. "I have called to confirm that this is the right number."

"Well, who were ya trying to call?" Sans asked.

"The Legendary Fart Master."

Sans blinked, and then smiled. "Yeah, this is him."

"Okay." Gaster said. "See you tomorrow at work, Sans."

"See ya, Gaster."

Click. The Royal Scientist stared at the screen for a few moments. Maybe Sans was the kind of person he could actually be friends with. Lord knows he didn't have many of those to begin with...

[themusicenthusiast]

Single Review: “How to Shake Hands” by Clutch

“How to Shake Hands” probably won’t sound familiar, though the latest single from Clutch’s forthcoming album Book of Bad Decisions (out on September 7th via Weathermaker Music) was inspired by another song. On a different note, it also sheds more light on a potential thread that will connect the material that will comprise the record, the title Book of Bad Decisions apparently being rather self-explanatory, centering on either reassessing certain events in hindsight or in this case offering up a scenario in which the outcome could possibly be devastating. Either way, the most basic subject matter may well be just bad decisions. The original idea for what became “How to Shake Hands” was to cover “John Lee Hooker for President”, a number that Ry Cooder made to honor the iconic bluesman John Lee Hooker, albeit in a humorous way by injecting it with what Hooker may have done if he were to sit in the Oval Office. Abandoning that idea -- Neil Fallon fearful he would be unable to do the song justice – the members of Clutch decided to instead draw on its elements and themes for a song of their own. “How to Shake Hands” was what was spawned from that. As far removed from that blues song as this one may be, it can still be traced back to it. It’s subtle, though there is a hint of blues to be heard on this track, Fallon channeling a bit of that as influence, buried well beneath that blistering rock ‘n’ roll that dominates this second single.

An unadulterated rock song, “How to Shake Hands” yet again reaffirms that Fallon, Tim Sult, Dan Maines and Jean-Paul Gaster are absolute masters of rock music. More than a quarter of a century in to this project known as Clutch and they still sound as spirited as ever; the commanding nature of their music having only grown more powerful over the years. All of that is on vivid display during this invigorating number, managing to make it sound fresh so that it stands apart from their previous material while still boasting all of the hallmarks that Clutch has developed over the years. Maines and Gaster control every aspect of this one. As a rhythm section they are on fire, arguably sounding more potent than ever before. From sonorous beats to a rapid-fire assault, Gaster swaps between the varying styles almost instantaneously, making it all sound so fluid while simultaneously crafting a wild and chaotic feel. One that’s meant to put a person on edge, uncertain of what could possibly happen next. Fleshing it out is Maines’ work on the bass. While slightly less noticeable, he makes the percussion sound all the more incredible and robust, allowing it to truly make an impact and be as heavy as possible. Sult’s contributions are every bit as outstanding, the guitarist laying down some catchy, often sweet licks throughout the piece; the sizzling solo that follows the first chorus acting as a climatic turning point for the story that is unfolding. His determination seeps out of his playing, the guitar coalescing around the bass and drums to capture the ever-mounting sense of urgency. Fallon’s performance is just as remarkable, belting out the lyrics with defiance and conviction as he takes on the persona of the character whose perspective the story is told from: a populist presidential candidate who is unorthodox and breaks all the norms. A dark horse that may stand more of a chance than people believe. Political though it may be, “How to Shake Hands” is an exceptionally rare song in that it isn’t outright trying to make a point. It doesn’t take any particular side, nor is it attempting to offer any sort of social commentary. It isn’t meant to necessarily reflect anything currently happening in the political world, but rather just be a fun and extremely dynamic song. Teeming with gusto, Fallon fits the part of this political outsider, the lyrics beginning by depicting a grassroots campaign to make the nation aware of his candidacy. He even sounds charming as he unabashedly delivers the first bridge, “I'm gonna kiss all the babies. Maybe kiss their Mamas too. I don't need the secret service. I KNOW how to work a room.” The entire track is like that, even touching on a real sentiment with the final line of the chorus, “Oh, I'm ready to give the people what they want, and what they want is straight talk and no jive!” What’s being said may or may not actually be straight talk, but so long as it’s perceived to be… The frontman even demonstrates his versatility as a vocalist, switching from that loud and proud demeanor to near perfectly imitating a news broadcaster at the second bridge, where he dramatically speaks of the election results coming in. In the end, there are faint reminders of what Clutch drew on to write “How to Shake Hands”, though it is unquestionably an original song and one done in their vein of music. Just an in-your-face, gritty and raw rock song, one that prides itself in being loud and authoritative. One that demands the listener give it their full attention as they play it, and if you do, you’ll be rewarded with a finely nuanced experienced. There are all sorts of little things to pick up on in the music bed or even the vocals that makes “How to Shake Hands” worth multiple listens. Even the production quality is exceptional. Clutch’s previous album was arguably their best up to that point, and so far, it seems as if they’ll outdo themselves again with Book of Bad Decisions. Pre-order Book of Bad Decisions on: iTunes | Google Play | Amazon MP3 Visit Clutch’s websites: Official Website | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter | Youtube Current Shows: 2018 July 15--Inkcareceration Festival--Mansfield, OH August 4--Earth Rocker Festival 18 at Shiley AcresInwood, WV September 18—Myth--Saint Paul, MN 19--Uptown Theater--Kansas City, MO 21--House of Blues--Houston, TX 22--River City Rockfest--San Antonio, TX 23--Gas Monkey Live--Dallas, TX 25--House of Blues--Lake Buena Vista, FL 27--The Norva--Norfolk, VA 28--The Ritz--Raleigh, NC 29—Masquerade--Atlanta, GA 30--Louder Than Life Festival--Louisville, KY October 2--Ogden Theater--Denver, CO 3--The Depot--Salt Lake City, UT 5--Knitting Factory--Boise, ID 6--Knitting Factory--Spokane, WA 7--Showbox SODO--Seattle, WA 8--Commodore Ballroom--Vancouver, Canada 9—Roseland--Portland, OR 11--The Regency Ballroom--San Francisco, CA 12--El Rey Theater--Los Angeles, CA 13--Glen Helen Ampitheater--San Bernardino, CA 14--The Observatory North Park--San Diego, CA 15--Marquee Theater--Tempe, AZ 17--Cains Ballroom--Tulsa, OK 18--POP's--Sauget, IL 19--20 Monroe Live--Grand Rapids, MI 20—Fillmore--Detroit, MI 21--Stage AE--Pittsburgh, PA 23—Rebel--Toronto, Canada 25—Palladium--Worcester, MA 26--Irving Plaza--New York, NY 27--Irving Plaza--New York, NY 28--Electric Factory--Philadelphia, PA November 27—Melkweg--Amsterdam, Netherlands 29—Pustervik--Göteborg, Sweden 30—Annexet--Stockholm, Sweden December 2--Astra Kulturhaus--Berlin, Germany 4--Live Music Hall--Cologne, Germany 5—Batschkapp--Frankfurt Am Main, Germany 6—Docks--Hamburg, Germany 7—Proxima--Warszawa, Poland 8--arena wien - verein forum--Wien, Austria 9--Culture Factory--Zagreb, Croatia 11—Fabrique--Milan, Italy 12--Konzertfabrik Z7 & Mini Z7--Pratteln, Switzerland 13--Backstage Werk--Munchen, Germany 14—Longhorn--Stuttgart, Germany 15--Elysee Montmarte--Paris, France 16—AB--Brussels, Belgium 18--O2 Academy Bristol--Bristol, United Kingdom 19--O2 Academy--Glasgow, United Kingdom 20--Manchester Academy--Manchester, United Kingdom 21--O2 Brixton Academy--Brixton, United Kingdom 22--O2 Academy Birmingham--Birmingham, United Kingdom