#correction: this reaction is oh god this individual is so attractive to me it hurts to look

[st-hedge]

[hiddendreamer67]

I Would Love You Forever, Even If It Hurts

Summary: Logan is an immortal, cursed to fall in love with every reincarnation of his beloved who retains no prior memories of their lives together. Roman’s just trying to ask a cute nerd out for a coffee date.

Pairing: Logince

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet idea but this section ends happily.

Check out more writing at @hiddendreamerwriting!

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Roman Prince hummed to himself, not paying attention to the lecture at all as he continued to stare at the back of the new kid’s head. Logan McKenzie, who was irresistibly attractive to the point of being cruel. He was also unbelievably smart, and seemed to know the answer to every query their History Professor would throw out.

The only problem? Logan wouldn’t give him the time of day. Roman had tried everything, short of actually confronting the guy. He tried passing notes, sending flowers, sharing food, all the usual tricks to catch a college student’s eye. Roman had sat in almost every chair of this lecture hall trying to find the perfect spot to be noticed, but it seemed every time they got close to meeting eyes Logan would dodge away.

So, Logan was fully aware of Roman’s presence, but he refused to look at him. That hurt. But maybe it was just because they were in class? Roman knew he could be quite a worthy distraction, being far from unattractive himself. Perhaps it would be better to try to initiate something outside of class. Nodding to himself, Roman formulated his plan, and the moment lecture ended Roman made a beeline for Logan’s desk.

“I don’t believe we’ve been officially introduced, my dashing colleague.” Roman stuck out his hand, giving Logan a smile that he hoped didn’t come off as nervous as he felt. “Roman Prince, at your service.”

Logan drew a hitched breath, looking down at the offered hand like it pained him. “I know who you are.”

“And I know who you are.” Roman tried not to let that blow hurt, dropping his hand to his side. “Wonderful! So, we can skip the introductions and go straight out for coffee, my treat.”

“I- I can’t.” Logan’s voice cracked slightly, holding his books closer to his chest.

“…what?” Roman’s features drew in a concerned fashion, trying to make sense of his crush’s odd behavior. “Are you alright? I’m sorry, I know I can be a bit forward-“

“No.” Logan cut him off with a laugh that sounded more sad than joyous, as if Logan was on the brink of tears. “No, it’s not you, you’re perfect as ever, I just… Roman, I cannot do this anymore.”

“Do what?” Roman was beyond bewildered, trying to figure out what he could have said that triggered this reaction. “Coffee? Dating?”

Logan shook his head, looking resigned. “Is there somewhere more private we can discuss this?”

“Yes, of course.” Still confused, Roman led Logan out of the lecture hall, ignoring the stares they received as he was focused on making sure Logan didn’t faint like a startled deer. He guided them into a spare room, with armchairs tucked into the back corner where they both sat down.

Logan took a deep breath. “This is going to sound a bit preposterous.”

Roman just nodded, desperate for answers.

“You think this would get easier with repetition…” Logan murmured to himself, running a hand through his hair before wiping at his eyes. “Alright, are you aware of the concept of reincarnation?”

“Like being born again?” Roman asked. “Where instead of going to an afterlife your soul gets put back into another creature, like a frog or a tree?”

“Usually the same species, but yes.” Logan nodded. “That theory is correct, at least for some individuals, yourself included. You have lived on this Earth 53 human lifetimes, with no memory of the past existences.”

“What?” Roman certainly had not expected this to be what came out of asking a cute guy out for coffee. “But how would you even know that?”

“I’m immortal.” Logan said, as though this were no big deal. “At least, I believe I am. I have never found evidence to the contrary, although that is not due to lack of attempts.”

“Ouch.” Roman winced. He wasn’t sure if he believed Logan, but that was certainly a sad notion. Roman had never wanted to live forever, although it sounded like he was doing that anyways and not aware of it. “So, if you’re immortal, then…”

“How old am I?” Logan guessed, giving a weak chuckle as Roman’s expression confirmed this. “You’re very predictable. I’m 4,158 years old.”

Roman’s eyes widened, trying to comprehend how long Logan could have possibly been alive if that was true. “That’s a lot of years.”

“I was cursed by one of the old gods.” Logan explained, looking down at his lap. “I was already immortal, as I am a minor god myself. But for my treachery against the throne I was cast to the Earth, doomed to walk among mortals for eternity.”

“Why would they do that?” Roman’s eyebrows pinched in sympathy, getting invested in this tale. “What did you do that was so bad?”

Logan looked up, meeting Roman’s eye. “I tried to save you.”

Roman’s blood ran cold. “What- me?”

“I had fallen in love.” Logan admitted, giving a half-hearted shrug of his shoulders. “I was selfish, and didn’t want to relinquish what we had, so I attempted to steal the gift of immortality for you. But a mortal vessel is not meant to last forever, and you grew to be in pain. I begged at the throne, admitting my faults and praying that you would be spared from your agony. The deed was done, you couldn’t be truly killed, but they granted you reincarnation instead. In exchange, I was cast out, and am now doomed to find and fall in love with you every cycle only to watch as I lose you again.”

“Oh, Logan.” Roman didn’t know what to say. What do you say, when a beautiful man is in tears as he explains that he’s your forgotten immortal lover? This certainly wasn’t how he expected this evening to go, but it was clear that Logan needed comfort, and that was all that mattered right now. Roman placed his hand over Logan’s, showing that he was here.

“Sometimes I try to avoid you, like in this lifetime.” Logan admitted. “I am never successful, but sometimes I manage to make you despise me so that you hate me ‘til the end of your days.”

“Why would you do that?” Roman asked, thinking it sounded incredibly foolish.

“I thought it might lessen the pain.” Logan explained. “If not mine, then at least your own. Especially because it has not always been historically easy to lay with a man.”

Roman blinked. “Wait a second, that’s why you’re so good at History! You’re cheating!”

Logan startled, giving him a confused glance. “I- it’s not cheating, it’s just… unexpected personal experience.”

“It’s still unfair.” Roman teased. “So wait, if you know all my reincarnations, does that mean you know all my pick-up lines too?”

“I am not familiar with modern vernacular, so while your courting tactics are often similar the language used will likely be unique to this timeline.” Logan answered. He tilted his head. “Roman, are you alright? I know this is a lot to process, and I understand it may take time to adjust. Often you’ve shunned me when I attempted to explain myself, and it took time to win you back.”

Roman’s heart just about broke at that. How could his past lives be so cruel? “Look, Logan, this is… a lot. And I’m going to be quite a Pissed Peacock if you turn out to be pulling me along on some sick prank. But if you are lying, I still thought you were cute enough to get coffee. And if you’re telling the truth, it sounds like we shouldn’t waste a single moment we have together.”

Logan sniffed. “That is resoundingly astute of you to say.”

That wasn’t necessarily an agreement, and Roman frowned, remembering back to their initial meeting. “Hang on a moment. When you said you “can’t do this”, what exactly did you mean? Were you going to try to avoid me or hate me again?”

“I would never hate you.” Logan looked alarmed at the notion. “Whenever our relation is less than ideal it is always the other way around, you hate me, though I do admit it is my fault. Those instances allowed me to realize that my love is unrequited; if I can drive you away so easily, it is selfish of me to keep attempting to have you for myself when you are blessed with the opportunity of so many wonderful lives.”

“Now hold on there just a moment!” Roman protested, positively outraged. “I think I am the only one who can declare my emotions, thank you very much, and I’ve decided that I could never hate you.”

“Falsehood.” Logan retorted.

“No, you’re a falsehood.” Roman huffed like a child. “Logan, I’ve seen you in class. You can get very passionate, and I can see how we could butt heads. I also know myself- I’m stubborn, headstrong, and have a difficult time admitting when I’m wrong. I could spend my whole life being angry at you and hold that grudge to the grave because frankly I can be petty as hell.”

“Are you aware that agreeing me does not strengthen your own argument?” Logan informed him.

“Logan, you sexy nerd, I need you to shut up right now.” Roman said firmly, taking Logan’s hands in his own. “Yes, I have a tendency to be hot-headed and stick to my anger. But, even when I get angry, I still love my loved ones. I love them so passionately that it makes me angry at myself for even considering being bitter at them because I love them and would never, ever want to hurt them. But I am a mere foolish mortal who makes mistakes and occasionally hurts the ones I love. That doesn’t mean I love them any less.”

Logan had begun to blush in a most adorable manner, and it spurred Roman on.

“I may not have my memories of my past life,” Roman continued, “but I think I am the only authority left to speak on their behalf, and if they truly were anything like me they spent every moment they were angry at you as miserably as I have these past few weeks when you were avoiding me. I like you, Logan, in this life and the next, and frankly if what you say is true I don’t want to beat around the bush with my affection.”

“What a ludicrous sentiment.” Logan shook his head, but a pleased smile was on his face. “However, I must admit that your advancements are as welcome as ever, and your stubbornness is only evidence that I cannot escape your affections in this life if I genuinely tried.”

“I love it when you use big words.” Roman decided, looking at Logan’s lips. “But right now, I’m kind of hoping you’ll just shut up and kiss me.”

Logan grinned, leaning forwards and meeting Roman for a kiss. It was just as magical to both of them as if it were truly their first.

[twinflameshardcore]

Masculine and Feminine hearts are fired up - pushing new love into the old methodical world

My higher self wants me to write about a few things which I’ve experienced lately so I’m sharing. The first part is about incoming astrological events since I’m feeling them already (love!), the other on how we - angelics can steal 3D humans into the 5D zone using the heart’s love only :)

Firstly, do use the incoming days’ energies to share love from the heart to heart between the goddess in you and the divine masculine. Between you and the Twin. Between you within yourself, your yin and yang as well. The choice is yours how you want to use it but obviously two hearts will be glued in absolute, open love during this transit because one has something which the other needs to rise their vibration and shift into 5D and up. We need to leave 3D (energetically); let’s face it, 3D is decaying and evil beings rooted there who cannot rise their vibration are screaming for food! Thus we need to pull as many people as we are guided towards out of 3D and into the new, the reality of Love. Or just that one special stranger who then could pull others, led by the heart fired up by our heart’s energy. This time now is about souls again and they do not apply to human rules.

The new Earth (the joyful, light place) has been replacing the old Earth (the wounded, dense place). Visualize it as if one transparent planet Earth presses onto another Earth and pushes away everything which do not match the new ‘blueprint’ (I hate this word) it brings. This filtering applies to everything which is a vibration = the light, colors, sounds, energy, temperature, living beings etc.

The fire is up because the full Moon will be in the fire element and the zodiac conditioned for releasing accumulated energies fast  - anger, passion, hate, revenge, love, sexuality - a powerful yet ego driven Aries on 10/5, opposing the Sun in balancing, fair but undecided Libra. At the same time there have been amazing aspects in a disciplined, well organized and traditional Virgo -  Venus trine Pluto (today 10/3), Mars trine Pluto (10/1) then Venus and Mars (I believe they’ll conjunct on 10/5; the next such an event will be in 2019, previous was in 11/2015, check out your diaries ;) ) This time is especially important for the Seraphim and all other fire angelics (incl. ex-angels of war), fire beings, fire elementals like dragons, also healed Draconians, and Reptilians and other races who constantly operate and balance the fire element yet feel frustrated, restrained and limited in the human bodies.

I always through that it will be me to be rescued from the old world but my plasma (also called light) body activated itself permanently and unexpectedly from the back of the heart chakra (between shoulder blades) on 09/27/2017 and it was a blasting follow up of the first Draconian/Seraph wake up experience I had in 02/2016. This had made me a helper rather than someone to be helped ;) More below.

Thus if you’re one of these fire beings, whether in TF relationships or not, you got awakened by somebody else a few years ago, and are now on the ‘mission’ to share love and rise vibration of other humans, your heart may find certain individuals, often strangers who you occasionally meet exactly in the first part of October 2017. They may be people who share the same skills as you have, thus this makes opportunities to get introduced. You will feel attracted to each other mostly on a spiritual level. This is how we of the 5D communicate with others - via the direct heart connection. There are individuals who still sit in 3D and need to have their vibration risen up to feel that having love in the hearts is the most comfortable feeling ever and so they would like to hold it there, to spread further, even if they do not understand what in fact they’re doing and how much it helps everybody to escape the old Earth. If you spot such a person, they will recognize your heart too. It’s because their heart informed them to expect somebody with such a heart like yours to come their way, connect and make a hole in their well structured reality so they could receive love and joy they’ve been craving for, but couldn’t reach out for it on their own. At some point, people who show up may be members of your galactic family to be rescued, but somehow they are not yet aware who they are or what they need to rise their vibration and leave the 3D Earth. They will recognize you based on your vibration, eyes and the heart. It’s the best time to help them because they might have saved your ass in a galaxy millions of years ago, so now you can do them a favor and offer your purified love, without engaging physically and mentally. This is crucial, otherwise the balance will be disturbed and the task will be failed.

So when this connection is made with a stranger, there are a few procedures to follow, especially if you are in a TF relationship. We twins were given the right to share love amongst the people but we must not engage physically with others, to avoid creating an unwanted reality though a mental visualization (thought=energy=creation) and sexual desires too (wanting=pulling). We can only belong to another angelic, the twin and them to us. When you ‘come down’ into the human realm and find such an individual who works hard in the area related to the old world, has his/her heart guarded yet dreams of having a partner to share safety, love and a good conversation, ditch your human programming and give them love in spirit, from the heart to the heart. How to do this? At first it may be tricky because our old human behaviors will be triggered - if we feel a spiritual connection with somebody, the mind and the body will naturally want to tune in, to take action in the physical, to ask for that person’s phone number or email then contact them, to see them again, to go for temptations and rising obsessions of the body and heart all together. The human role will be triggered to be a mother/father, lover and best friend to such a person. Resist that, otherwise you’ll stretch and imbalance the task.

Another feeling which will come from the human is guilt that if I am with the TF I should not share my love with others. Partly correct, because you must not leave your Twin or remove him/her from your personal ‘bubble’/reality/universe. You don’t want to hurt your own heart but you don’t want to think too much about love either. When a connection is established between the hearts, another human reaction will show up to release all boundaries and let the other’s energy interact with you on all levels, also sexually. This is very unwanted, otherwise it leads to addictions as the bottom chakras are prone to 'rooting’ into vibrations they feel pleased or safe with. If you live in a TF relationship where the twin is out of touch solving his own issues and purging, or he/she doesn’t complement you often, then any complement coming from another sex - considering it comes from somebody of your kind - feels like a fresh air in the heart, and it pulls. And this is where it starts and where the balance and boundaries can be shaken and where you can be taken off your Path. Our Path is to return to the Oneness state of being (with the twin), to the Source, to realize and accept that the only comfortable energy in the Universe is love to share it further. But again, we cannot attach to other human beings.

These days, you have a chance to let your higher self teach you how much easier it is to just give love from the heart without engaging physically or even staying in touch with someone new. The fire element like engaging totally, so this is a new, need lesson. As a fiery being, I’m new to this but I’ve learnt fast so I’m sharing the story because the final results amazed me :)

I’ve had this situation exactly on 10/1 (Mars trine Pluto which is an instant connection between ‘old masculine energies’, in both sexes who prefer power, control, discipline, order and strength which unite them under such an aspect). I’ve been to a ‘gun picnic’. A right wing party in my country wants to push a new law to let citizens have an easier access to guns. I’m against anything right wing tries to force on people because they’re fearful and narrow-minded, they represent the decaying 3D reality which brought wounding, sexism, racism, and separation so they need to go. I’m against giving weapons to citizens too, because it’s a Christian country and all wars were started in the name of their god and have had continued for centuries. I do not wish some Christian zealot killed me because I refuse to sell my soul to one god or another. But I understood that since I’m well awakened and angelic, I had to go there to bring my energy so others could pick it up and change their lives forever. Vibration needs no words or action, it’s enough to spread it around the people. An invitation came totally unexpectedly a day earlier so I was convinced it’s the Universe tapping me to move my ass and check it out as there must be something for me to participate in. An application form had 2 questions - whether one wished to participate in a shooting lesson, or just be a listener of the politicians’ speeches. I tapped the shooting. Basically, I’ve no interest in both killing but also shooting to a static point, it’s just a waste of time (and bullets). As a Draconian war master however so I have ‘flying, aiming, locking on a target and shooting’ activity written in my spirit in a way. That’s why I knew that this was a ‘mission for an awakened Draconian, to bring my opened, healed heart amongst the right wing gun nuts. Thus I walked there to see how it’s organized since the shooting place isn’t far from my home, and noisy as you can imagine. I told myself to expect nothing and I only wanted to be guided by my heart without making any judgment. I was hanging out, alone amongst strangers, have seen many ego maniacs, fashion followers, but also people who looked very 'normal’ and who came to eat and drink free food rather then discuss an easier or tighter access to guns :)

When we were asked to form the first team of 15 folks and walk to the shooting site, I joined them at once. I then instantly paid attention to the gun instructor, a man physically not in my type. I loved how he followed safety procedures and was giving commands to keep discipline in the group and acted like a military, oh boy, he was all discipline and order, very Mars and Pluto all together. I always love it, this is very Draconian :) We were taught to follow orders but also to give orders because there’s equality in the race. Dracos have been taught to respect one another because we’re well trained and we cannot spare or lose specialists, and masters. And since we were trained to use vibration to command, either the voice, or heart, or mind, then we resonate with it strongly whenever we sense it. I haven’t seen the instructor’s eyes (eyes = an access to one’s heart) until the moment I asked him to take his dark protective eyeglasses off when we ended the training. But we’ll get to this later. I sensed that he also felt, saw and loved how I was applying to commands at once (like attracts like!), while other people were kind of laid-back, relaxed, ignorant just because it was a picnic for the public. One needs to realize however, that the picnic is over when you cross the line of a shooting range where they use real guns and bullets - there are strict rules to apply to and you must listen to the instructors without hesitation or argumentation because they’re trained to keep you safe. When they told us the rules, and asked if anyone had questions, again, I was the only who had :) The angelic awareness gives me now this sort of ‘primacy’ over unawakened humans that when people are too shy or blocked to ask questions, I then come out and trigger the energy of questions by formulating one, simple, intelligent Q so that instructors have some entertainment too. This is just boring when nobody digs further just to let teachers teach more :) And I again earnt a point from the the gun instructor my heart had chosen ;)

I shot a few times, then left, then I came back for another round even if I was not asked because it was a contest and a participant could only shoot one series then record the results. I liked it even the machine gun was to heavy though I earnt a few points. The instructor recognized me instantly and informed that I was already shooting. I didn’t lie so I said openly that I came again to learn further but not to participate in the contest anymore as I was aware it would be unfair. Military world likes honesty, fast answers and right decisions so the guy invited me to join again :) I came twice to the gun stand operated by the same instructor eventhough there were 4 more instructors at the site and 3 of us 15 were assigned to a trainer. My heart (not my brain) wanted me to go to him, even if my brain/logic told me to go to the female instructor the 2nd time, just for a difference, the guns were the same at each stand. Then after the 2nd shooting and before the 3rd group formed in a booth behind us, I knew I couldn’t try again because it was the contest to win a Colt. So I then stood next to the instructor because people left to feed, nobody had questions, and I felt he was very open to talk further. I asked him to teach me the right position to stand with the Kalashnikov again so we trained it amongst a few watchers. Then I asked him what other guns they had there and that I would enjoy a lighter pistol. This was the moment when my heart said - ‘ask him to take his eyeglasses off, force the eye contact’. The eye contact gives an access to one’s heart and vice versa. This was known by poets, criminals but is true to the spiritual community specifically. Once our hearts are purged and filled with divine love, we open other hearts to share love through looking into people’s eyes. Then the pure love energy of the heart anchors in their hearts, our spirit makes a direct contact with their spirit, and remains memorable as it is, triggers a research, questions, self-analysis, and a return to the Source in the end. So I was looking at him as if I wanted to spit out that question yet he noticed I was searching for something in his face and encouraged me by asking ‘What..?’ Then I asked him for taking those eyeglasses off ‘because I like the eye contact when I talk to people’. Again, my direct approach was what he loved. So he took them off and then looked at me with this guarded face and  daring eyes. I know the power of the eyes and how they can be read by those who know how. I always look into strangers’ eyes with a message that I accept who they are and whoever they are, but I bring the fire, independent opinions, honesty, I hide nothing and I want to be equally respected. This was the exchange - a warrior looking at another warrior. And he knew this. His eyes were narrow, light green but we looked at each other like provocateurs :) This is always an indicator that there is either air or fire element in action. To keep the conversation going and still ‘official’, I asked about gun models and prices. Turned out he had some Glocks but also Beretta 92F which was delightful news because I used to have a BB gun replica made by a respected well manufacturer so I admitted I was familiar with this model very well. (I actually gained an interest of my Twin in the beginning when I sent him a picture where I was posing with that gun because weapons match my look very well ;)) The instructor was pleased and said he had another BB Gun model from the same producer. So this was the moment we could hook into the conversation but... we had no time to talk further considering the 3rd group waiting behind. Yet I didn’t want to give him a chance to think that I was interested in him because in fact I wasn’t - it was only my heart which wanted me to approach to rise his vibration and so he could shift into the new reality with time.

The goal had been achieved, the spirits were put in touch, and so the love exchange on a distance could begin. My heart told me he was one of my soul group, guarded, tough face of a warrior but wanting love as everybody, He  really knew much about people, by observing them, learning, seeing details, behaviors, cause and effect. Shooters must have a good eye for a detail. I haven’t yet known that he was also spiritually skilled which came later that day. Now it gets more interesting. When I learnt about prices of a personal coaching I could not accept such a deal as I couldn’t afford it but it’s a cheap training ovrall if you make a good salary. That’s why most of the clients of the shooting range are rich folks. He instantly understood a negative, yet unspoken answer of my eyes and then he said something crucial - ‘It looks like the only way to teach you cheaper or even for free is to find a boyfriend at the shooting range’ :))) I knew he meant himself even if he was joking. I so smiled and said honestly - ‘I have one already. I don’t need two boyfriends’. He and the other instructor who was listening, pretended to be disappointed and smiled too. The honesty and direct conversation are always a big turn on for the fire carriers. Yet there was no sexuality between the lines, otherwise I would recognize it and my heart would tell me to detach. So in this moment an open connection and acceptance was established between hearts, spirits, energies, and I also got a confirmation that he found me attractive on may levels. He also asked if I lived here in the city as many people came from other towns. I then said I lived in the neighborhood and he looked delighted. We exchanged no details, no address, no names either. Then I said I was heading home, eventhough I could have waited until they finish the training after a few hours and join the public near bonfires and music, in the evening. Then we could sit together and talk. I didn’t want that because he could have had wrong ideas and my human could have been triggered too which obviously could push the boundaries I set to be faithful to the Twin. So I decided to leave and my heart was pleased that I opened his - the task I little knew about could continue.

Spirits stayed hooked together. I was walking home smiling to myself. I felt pleased, and he felt pleased because I knew he was looking for acceptance of who he was and how guarded he was too. In turn, I as a human woman needed a direct masculine interest. He must have felt I read into people’s vibration the same as he was. This heart to heart energy was rising in the evening. It was light, that kind of love to be loved for how it is, a smiling, soft yet passionate love which needs no heaviness, promises or loyalty. Love which comes and goes just to put you in  a good mood. This is what it wanted me to remember and embrace, to hold in my heart and send the same. Light and smiling. I knew he was thinking of me when I felt him so strongly, maybe he was even looking for me in the picnic site later while I was already home. He was very skilled spiritually which is something I wouldn’t expect from the gun instructor who apparently operates on the 3D zone! Again, expect nothing. Because he’s skilled, his energy came to me as much as my twin’s and it was easier because I was less a kilometer away from the site me and him met. It was buzzing with interest, pulling me to come back, to gaze more into my Draconian eyes and receive that what was in my heart.

So I was asking the Universe - ‘What’s next? What’s the purpose?’ My heart was filled with love and joy even the guy wasn’t my type at all and I didn’t fall in love. ‘Is he some new ‘love’ I am to join? Was my twin given to open me, heal and lead into a new relationship which would be better than that with him, mostly absent, LDR while the ‘new guy’ works a few meters away? Was my twin fake?’ Hundreds of questions while basking in love. My heart answered ‘no’ to all my questions. If I feel no physical pull to another man, the only energy is of the heart, or at least the mind. With the Twin there are all 3 vibrational matches available at once as we need to heal & integrate these 3 zones - the body, the mind, and the heart. So when you meet your twin, you’re both fascinated with all aspects of you two. My heart said - ‘Stay put. You felt lonely, wanted to be loved lately, to feel good, then enjoy this feeling but don’t attach, don’t change anything. Feel the love, utilize what you had learnt with the twin in spirit - the heart communication’. The answer is that in 5D zone, strangers can become close through the hearts and understand each other without words. That I - the angelic was to meet a man to rise his vibration while he heightened mine so then I could push pure unconditional love into his heart which would be what he was looking for. Yet I must not engage physically at all because I already have the twin. Kind of complicated but my higher self led me through this process next.

I was guarding myself against it at first because my human conditioning didn’t know how to deal with it. To let it pass or not. It was so tempting to open to this that I even thought some evil beings used the love aspect in the sky and sent that gun instructor on me to pull me away from the twin, and from our path :D But I like experimenting in spirit which is the only way to learn what is what and who is who during Ascension - nobody else can teach you that, you need to be curious and daring on your own. So I gave this feeling a chance to learn something completely new - to give love to another man in spirit while being dedicated to another man who is my other half and who sits in me and feels what’s going on. I said nothing to the Twin about this event, to avoid triggering a domino effect in the human brain, and yet there’s no danger I could ever betray or leave him because he is me, the twin is the ultimate ‘boyfriend’ :) It’s not even like being married, bored, to find a new possible lover. The idea was to tear the human (my and another’s) conditioning apart, to let love come out and in and give it to a masculine who earnt it by being a disciplined, careful human. The heart picks up individuals to be opened and prepared for healing, based on the guidance of the Universe. We can only follow or not, it’s always up to us to decide even if we resonate with the heart’s pull. Fear of sharing love is a big one, especially with strangers.

It was also important to have it happen before the Venus/Pluto trine (today, Tuesday, Martian day) and the full Moon (completion) on Thursday 10/5 since the general feminine energy could heal the old masculine (who in fact hurt her ages ago), one awakened warrior sent to heal the other unawakened warrior.

When I shifted in my mind into a position of a Draconian war queen surrounded by warriors, this feeling got even stronger and resonated with the heart. The queen is a goddess in a way, and motivates her soldiers by sending them love in spirit. Draconians have many queens and it’s a status, but some were born in the royal line, most important figures. Draconians have their hearts closed to participate in battles to process completely different energies, like the joy of the fight, but there are times when the shields go down and a reward - the love of the Queen is given during a gathering. It’s not to be fed, conditioned and become a loyal kamikaze but the true, sacred love Draconians share amongts the brotherhood. At least that how it was on motherships. Royal Draconians in humans, hybrids, are usually loners.

My participation in the gun picnic was to literately steal a 3D human (a militaristic man) into 5D though the heart connection, though giving unattached, non-physical love. A reward. 5D is the world of fun and abundance. We angelics can now ‘steal’ individuals into 5D by rising their vibration so the 3D zone has only a few evil individuals left to feed with. This is what rebels would do. We pull the good ones out of the old. Think of it as an ‘alien/angelic intervention’ without any hype. We expected aliens to come and help us, so they have come ;) But they live in us, in many of those who were destined to merge with themselves and the twin, and they act through our human bodies. They replaced the old structures which were infested with bad instincts, with self-sabotaging. In fact we were ‘aliens’ before we landed on Earth but we forgot. Now we - the original essence/consciousness/energy of us - came back into our human bodies to act, to lead others out of the old Earth. We must not stay with those we heal, move, rescue, make aware etc. however, specifically if we had found our true Twins. Once on a new ground, the ‘stolen humans’ are on their own, unless they really need some additional help. We can use love sent from the heart to heart only, to wake up their souls/spirits and these will guide them further. Don’t attach or get addicted to others while you are with the Twin. When you Ascended higher, you have become very attractive to people who didn’t have a chance to awaken yet because your pure heart, your unconditional intentions are seen in your eyes, and you glow with love, independence and freedom. These attributes pull those who are still attached to the old energy grid as much as you were pulled to the twin in the beginning when you didn’t know who you were together and individually. Recall, the next thing which we wanted to do to the Twin was to follow human procedures and force them into relationships, demanding behaviors, to control them etc. These never worked. People of the 3D can be still used by old, evil energies and triggered to hurt you, so offer love if you want to but don’t even talk about it because they won’t understand.

So I have stolen the gun instructor, not even physically coming back there. I set energetic boundaries to only allow his energy to flow between the hearts. For three days I was sending  and responding with very pure love as my heart wanted to give without anything human involved and it was making me feel good as well. When I was setting myself in a ‘receiving mode’ then the instructor was coming back in spirit to give love as well, it was so fiery, happy and instant. He trained my shooting skills (or reminded me how-to) and I was training his heart which was ready to embrace pure love, and yet from a real Seraph, fire angel and a former angel of war. For a gun instructor, it was a needed reward. I am also aware that this energy which allows for such a contact now won’t last long. I want him to rise vibration before it ends so he could then pull a matching woman to be happy with and share that pure love further :) It wasn’t logical, I was asked by the Universe to do it. It was a training for me too. I’ve realized that before I had recognized my TF I met men who I should have interacted in the same way with, heart to heart, instead of engaging physically and pressuring to form a relationship! The Twin was the only one to engage entirely with but how could I or him have known this before? ;) This showed me again the ego vs heart actions. Ego/brain wants a confirmation via receiving facts, proofs, and material stuff, while vibration confirms the heart.

We, angels interacted with human women (and men) in the beginning and we were punished for this, I do resonate with it. They called them Elohim but these included all kinds of angelics, not just one group. All who decided to come down and were called ‘gods’. Then we fucked up due to a temptation ;) If you want to interact with an angel, you need to be an awaken angelic on your own because only then you can match your high vibration with the other to avoid the power play. A beautiful simplicity of that event I’ve participated in is it was only about the heart, to teach the guy pure love and that he is loved for his daring heart and skills too. That he was a warrior, he disciplined himself, and was then unexpectedly rewarded by an angelic love, to soften his human shield and prepare him for the Ascension, to be sent more love by Gaia and the Universe together next.

I’m totally proud of that event, my reactions, understanding what should be done, and setting boundaries my heart suggested me to do. If I however felt that his energy was trying to disrespect those boundaries or use my energies like a vampire, I would instantly detach and ditch the ‘task’. I gave love to one of my kin without letting the bad energy take me away from the Path.

Many Draconians like myself are awakened now, purged enough to receive the Source’s beautiful, joyful love and so if they’ve leveled up, should reach out to their kin in spirit to make them join 5D Earth as well. Draconians come from a zone of a high vibration and have been trapped here on Earth in lower than acceptable conditions like many other galactic races and hybrids. The thing is that my galactic race can fully accept such a heart training only from our kin, this is how it always was, a rule - do not trust others. If you, a fellow Draco or Reptilian reader ask the Universe to guide you, it will send you opportunities, so don’t reject them based on what logic, the ego or the human inner child tells you, unless you are to be tricked into further BS, but you will foresee this ;) This is the only way we can counter-weight the struggling vibrations of the old world we participated in and often fought for but the new 5D is the only way to go if one wants to feel light and loved, to live far from fears, dualities and the survival instincts triggered in the brain. I already wrote a post about the brain and the heart spiritual interactions a long time ago, on how one overrides decisions and desires of the other.

These days the lowest layer of that 3D vibration which we humans are attached to through the root chakra is being dissolved. This is the best opportunity to finally let it all leave our bodies so we could become available to the new energy, that Love we know very well to fill also our root chakra and let the ‘snake in the loins’, the wisdom/memory of everything, freedom and passion overwhelm us with joy ;)

[This post is copyrighted by the author of this blog who prefers to remain anonymous. My posts must not be used for commercial purposes of any kind. Respect my work - ask first before you copy, always include a link back to my site when you quote a part of my writing!]

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Chapter Fifteen : INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA

In his 1998 paper called “Internalized Homophobia and Health Issues affecting lesbians and Gay Men”, Iain R. Williamson defines the term as “Individuals within lesbian and gay communities (who) may internalize significant aspects of the prejudice experienced within a heterosexist society”

He also, right from the start, distances himself from the term “homophobia” as a word that in many ways is unhelpful and inaccurate as it put the emphasis on fear and contextualizes the prejudice within the individual rather than in society and its structures. Still, Internalized Homophobia is the watchword.

In short terms, Internalized homophobia refers to all the negative stereotypes, beliefs, stigma and prejudice about homosexuality and LGBT+ people that someone who has same-sex attraction can feel inside of him/her/them. Depending on how the person truly identifies with (gay, straight, closeted, etc), it can include extreme repression and denial that forces outward displays of heteronormative behavior for the purpose of appearing or attempting to feel “normal” (ugh, here’s that word. again.)

It is a series of conscious and mostly unconscious behaviors in which the person feels the need to promote or conform to cultural expectation of heterosexism. Heterosexism : discrimination or prejudice against homosexuals on the assumption that heterosexuality is the normal normal orientation (just so you know).

A LOOK IN THE MIRROR

“Self-hatred that occurs as a result of being a socially stigmatized person” (Locke, 1998)

That term has been denied by many LGBT+ people as it doesn’t seem to make any sense to many of them. First, “internalized” suggest “weakness rather than the resilience demonstrates by lesbians and gay men”. Then, the word “homophobia” seems like a difficult and seemingly illogical possibility. How can someone who identifies as gay also have feelings of dislike, fear, and true disgust towards themselves ?

Sure, you can switch the term for “homonegativity” or “self-prejudice” all you want, we’ll end up in the exact same place.

You can “easily” identify the scale of your internalized homophobia by going through four key areas of a queer person’s identity : 1. Public identification as being queer 2. Perception of stigma associated with being queer 3. Degree of social comfort with other queer people 4. Beliefs regarding the moral and/or religious acceptability of homosexuality and queerness.

Let’s put myself through the lie detector test that is this totally truth serum article.

I’m completely out to the rest of the world and I have no problem as to identity myself as queer to family members, friends, strangers and the society in general. That problem is solved. Next.

Stigma ? There’s none. We are loved. — Oh no, I do see, feel and suffer from the stigmas that society put on queer people. My way of fighting it is through long and difficult analysis of every aspect of it. With those articles. In my everyday life. I’m aware. I deal with it. So, next.

That’s a doozie. It’s been an evolving process with time. I’ve always had social awkwardness around people, especially big crowds. That’s why I never go to Pride. Well, one of the reasons. As I was developing who I was and how I perceived myself inside the gay community, I would, from time to time, put judgement on some attitudes or ways of being. The eccentric and hyper feminine people I would meet. Oh, youth. I do not do that anymore but I see that , just when a person of color who looks shady comes into my place of work, I tend go straight for the clichés and judgement. I correct myself immediately though. God, society. What did you do to me ?

Fuck society. Fuck religion. Fuck your middle-age opinion of me. Done.

For the third area of expertise, I truly needed to take a huge step back and question my every thought to realize what I was doing. It’s hard to recognize your crimes, especially when those are be committed by others around you on a daily basis. The excessive judgement of other LGBT+ people. The feeling of disgust other LGBT+ people who don’t express themselves in a more heteronormative way. The anger and embarrassment that other LGBT+ people who don’t act like you can “represent” you.

If, like me, you ever ran into those thoughts, be very aware that thinking that is basically colluding with heterosexism and the philosophy of heteronormativity and therefore you are harming other LGBT+ people. Respect the diversity of the community. Respect other people’s individualism.

By oppressing others who are not like you, you are oppressing yourself. Know that you always go for the kill when you do not want to realize there’s something “wrong” with you.

Sometimes, it manifests in what looks like innocent and funny remarks about others. I’m wearing bright pink nail polish at the moment, and if someone I know comes to me and says “well, that’s not I thought a man could wear on his nails but cool for you”, it would sound like nothing. Well, as a great friend told me yesterday about micro-attack on women and how it’s not always obvious but when you’re aware of it, you can feel it in your guts, that was homophobic. And the person who said it doesn’t think so, well that’s internalized homophobia. Your choice to let it slide as unimportant or to try and educate others. I know, it’s tiring and no one is forcing you too. I do believe that’s the only way to gain progress, though.

It can be as common as “I wish I weren’t gay” or feeling alienated from yourself because of your sexual orientation, even if you are out. If you sometimes think “If someone offers the chance to be completely heterosexual, I would take it” then baby, that’s internalized homophobia and you need to seriously work on yourself.

Sometimes, it manifests in bigger, way more harmful situations. I can’t help but think about some of my former schoolmates and the place I come from. Homosexuality was not a open subject. The only gay kid out was the target of so many jokes — though I did not participate in them, I am guilty by omission, as I said nothing to save my own “not-sure-how-to-come-out skin”. But those cunts who made those jokes, I’m pretty sure they were secretly masturbating to men, never for a one second in any conditions to admit this to themselves or others. So imagine a guy like that. If he’s never in a mental or social position (religion, family, values) to come out, what is he gonna do when confronted by what seems to disgust him the most ? Someone’s gonna get hurt. He will self-harm of worse, beat the shit out of some poor queer boy, maybe kill him (the Orlando Gunman was rumored to have been a closeted homosexual. You do the math.) Yes, maybe it’s just “regular” homophobia. Maybe not. Why not start a global conversation about it to avoid some of those unfortunate events ?

WHAT IT DOES TO YOU AND US

Internalized homophobia can prevent you from leading a fulfilling life. It keeps you in a place of perpetual shame, stress and anxiety. You can ruin your relationships (romantic, sexual, friendly) and follow a path of bitterness. Whether you cannot come out or are unable to embrace everybody’s differences, that’s mostly LOVE that you are missing out on. You also harm the individuals around you. Judgmental and hurtful outbursts can break people apart. That shame, stress and anxiety can poison someone else’s mind. Finally, on a more massive scale, your internalized homophobia, when left unchecked, can only feed the pain and struggle of the community. Live together, die alone.

Heterosexism is the real enemy. The queer’s whisperer. It enforces heteronormativity, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, all kinds of fucking phobias, keeping us shortsighted and fighting amongst ourselves. Live together, die alone.

WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO

Think Critically. Do not deny the notion outright.

Read more about it. Why do you think I’m writing those articles ? I ain’t making any money off of it !

Lean about the history of LGBTQ+ rights and movements. I swear, that’s how I gained perspective on this shit.

Get the fuck away from Toxic influences. Family members. Idiotic friendships. Some bullshit media. Anything that doesn’t not prone acceptance as a authentic value for everyone should not influence your judgement.

Practice self-awareness. Be aware of your negative reactions. Examine the sources of your thoughts and be critical of them.

More importantly, Remember that internalized homophobia is not coming from inside of you. You are not sick, and you don’t need a cure. It was forced upon you by a suffocating and violent homophobic society. Guilt and shame towards your realization of internalized homophobia become quickly pointless. Take a break. Take the steps, one by one, and free yourself of that weight that we are ALL kept down by.

The more you know (and shooting star).