#cordelia 040

[cagenewman]

"No," he murmured, pulling himself back to the present and pulling back to look at her, pulling his face into a firm, sincere expression. "Nothing is wrong with you. And I won't let you blame yourself for this any more than you would let me blame myself, okay?" he cupped her face with his free hand, brushing his thumb under her eye to clear away the tears, listening as she talked about their kids, how much she loved them, more than she could breathe, taking solace in that for a moment, nodding his head in agreement. "And they love you. And I love you. I love you, Cordelia," he felt like he hadn't said it enough in recent weeks, whether it be because of sleeping in separate bedrooms, or wrapping his head around the big step they thought that their life had taken. But he could -- and would -- say it a million times a day, if he could. "She would have loved that," he whispered sadly, the hand at her face gently stroking his cheek. A daughter with a nod to his mother, the same way Lou's boy had a nod to their father. At her apology, when she said that it had happened to him, too, he nodded blearily, squeezing her hand again and straightening himself up, taking in a deep breath that filled his chest and blowing it out slowly, bringing both hands up to rub at his eyes, wiping away the tears, brushing his cheeks on bare shoulders. "I'm okay," he promised, nodding his head once, and then a little more curtly. "I'll be okay. We are going to be okay," he'd repeat it as a mantra until they both believed it, pressing a kiss to her temple and carefully sliding out from under her as he found his feet on the floor. "I can do that. Can you do me a favor and drink that tea, though? Please? It should still be a little warm," but he would feel better if he stomach wasn't entirely empty, that protective, nurturing side slipping out as he made his way into the bathroom, returning with the heating pad from the cabinet, returning to her side of the bed, plugging it in and waiting for her to get situated again, gently placing it over her stomach, low, laying his hand there for a moment and looking back up at her face. "That should help a little bit." After making sure that she was situated, he flicked the new bedside lamp on, pulling back the blankets on his side to slide under, fixing his pillows he had been leaning against, and sliding one arm under her head, pulling her gently against his body. "Try to rest, okay? I'll be right here with you."

"I know." Her voice was nothing but a hoarse whisper at this point. If Cage could have given her the world and then some, he would have. Taken every bit of pain, in fact, if he could have he would have prevented this from ever happening -- not the pregnancy but her from losing the pregnancy. It was the kind of man that he was, that he would go above and beyond for his wife, the love of his life, and she could see it in his eyes. There was no doubt that despite their disagreements in the beginning, that he would have fallen more in love with what should have been their unborn child. Deep down she knew that, he knew that, and that was what was so crushing, he didn't get a chance to feel that. "I know you would have loved her, ever ounce of her would have become your world." she murmured, it was kind of amazing how they had just come to the decision that this baby would have been their little girl. "We might not have planned it but it was meant to be, she was meant to be, even if we only got to have her this way for a short time." It was utterly heart crushing, Cordelia actually felt like she could feel the pain in her chest physically cracking. "But somehow it has to be my fault, it's my body at the end of the day, I -- there has to be a reason even if they don't understand what the reason is. Something was wrong with me or something I did because this wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't supposed to be what happened." Tears spilling down her cheeks, the agony setting in as she continued to feel the pain that she knew would happen. "I know we're so incredibly lucky to have a daughter and son, and two more beautiful children that are ours. Even if it's not conventional and I love all of them more than I can breathe." Which was kind of hard right now as she choked words out in between tears. "I ... I would have wanted to name her after your mom." she said eyes flooding with tears, "Since I kept dreaming about her that was always the plan, to tell you when we found out I wanted to name her after your mom and let her carry that piece of her." But now that piece was gone, and somehow she knew if they ever tried again, this time actually wanting to try, she'd never be able to use that name. That name attached to this baby they didn't even know, but in her heart, she knew that it was her. Her hand grasped his on her belly, a reminder of empty and hallow now as she shifted, a feeling of a dull ache in her stomach knowing that she had been feeling it on and off all day. "I'm sorry this happened to you too." Because the truth was, he had to experience the loss too, maybe not physically, but he still had to grieve in some form of knowing what could have been. "I think I could really use a heating pad and then could we just... lay together please?" she asked softly. "Think I'm going to stay home this week after all."

[cagenewman]

"I wanted to be," he admitted softly. Although he had still been filled to the brim with fear and apprehension, worried about his wife, about what their kids would say, how they would feel, wondering where they would put the nursery, how it would impact their careers to have to put everything on pause to be parents all over again… time went on, and it had only been a few weeks. And he knew that by the time she was showing, when he could start to feel those kicks, he would have felt it. "I had accepted it, you know? Despite everything I felt, I had accepted that we were going to have a baby, ready or not, and I was going to take care of you, and take care of her, and I know you were worried that I was going to hate it, but I think… we both know that wasn't true," the last word was whispered as he shook his head. Although the head shake grew, a little adamantly, as she said that she felt like it was her fault, talked about waiting for the right time. "I don't think either of us planned on getting pregnant that night," and that was the truth. Whatever had happened, it had happened, but it wasn't as though she had pushed him to do something out of turn, something he hadn't wanted to. "It just happened, and losing her, that just happened, too," as sad as it was -- blaming themselves was not going to change anything, definitely wasn't going to make anything better. Watching her as she spoke about the little girl with sandy blonde hair and his blue eyes, he lifted his hand to touch her chin, turning her face up towards him. "But we have a little girl that looks like you. And a boy that's got my lopsided smile, and two kids that are so happy to have a home with us. And we're their parents, and we're so lucky for that," he kept his voice soft, low, even as he heard her question and felt his own eyes fill with tears, dropping his hand to fall with hers, placing a rough, callused palm on top of her hand on her stomach. "yeah." He curled his fingers around her hand, squeezing gently and feeling his breath hitch for a second, letting the immensity of the situation wash over him after a moment, the crushing realization of what this really meant for her, what it could have meant for him, a low noise leaving his throat as those same tears spilled down over his cheek, taking in a small, broken breath that rattled behind his ribs. "I'm really sorry, baby. I didn't," the breath left him on a gasping shudder, "I never wanted this for you."

"I know, Cage." she said, looking at him, no matter how he was feeling he'd never wish any kind of pain and agony on her. Sure, he had hurt her in the past, and even telling her he wasn't excited for a baby had hurt her, but it was never his intention to actually cause her pain. "Part of me thought you were coming around to it, when you mentioned a new carseat, that maybe for a second you were even excited." Her voice was soft, she didn't want him to think she was angry, she was just hurting right now, reeling in the loss that they were both going through. But the last thing she wanted was for him not to feel his own emotions attached to however he felt. Shaking her head, "Part of me wishes it was that simple, not that I want you to feel guilt, but at least we'd have an answer." she murmured, "But this is just... life? I don't know why things happen the way that they do but sometimes we have to just accept it. Even though it really, really fucking sucks." Swallowing she moved to rest her head onto his shoulder. "I feel like it's my fault, if I hadn't pushed, if I had waited for the right time, maybe..." she took a breath, knowing that wasn't how any of this worked. There was a mixture of being able to talk before falling into a fit of tears, needing to continue to get out all the heavy emotions that were eating her up inside. "I feel so empty, and I get that feels weird because I was barely a handful of weeks along but I feel empty now." It was the worst feeling that she wouldn't wish on her worst enemy. "I think the baby was a girl, I just have a gut feeling." Cage saying he had gotten that feeling when he had seen the test, to her, only confirmed it. "And that makes me so sad because a little girl that looks like you, sandy blonde hair, your eyes." Tears dripping off her lashes onto her cheek. A soft bubbled laugh came from her throat, "Not on a little girl, you have more of a boys nose." she said, as she looked at him. "Does it still count?" she asked, "Does it still count that we were parents to another child even if it was for a split second?" she asked, the sadness seeping back into her voice as she laid her hand back against her stomach.

[cagenewman]

"Never," he shook his head. It didn't atter to Cage that he hadn't been ready, that he hadn't wanted a child that exact moment when she had told him, that he was scared or worried or anxious -- when she had told him that she was pregnant, that they would be having a baby, he had made a space in his heart and he had filled it with love, and there was no power on that earth that could have made him wish for anything other than a happy, healthy little baby in her arms in nine months. But it didn't alleviate the guilt that danced in his chest and pounded on his ribs. "I know. But I keep telling myself, maybe if I had been more supportive, if I hadn't put so much more stress on you, on us," but she wasn't wrong -- he couldn't have helped the way that he felt, just as he couldn't now, when she curled into his lap, her smaller frame trembling, her sobs wrenching something deep in his heart as he brought his hand out to rub gentle circles into her back, murmuring soft words to her, giving her the space to cry, to let it out, to not worry about anything or anyone but the grief that she needed to feel in that moment. "You did?" he asked with a small, lopsided smile, moving his eyes over her face, not even seeing the puffy eyes, the red cheeks, just seeing his wife as she spoke. "When you showed me the test and you told me you were pregnant, my brain said girl, too. I don't know why, I know there's no reason, I know it was way too early to even consider that," which in hindsight… if there was any bright side, he knew was that. As much as it hurts. And because he didn't want to see her cry, didn't want to hear that timid tone to her voice, he kept his eyes on hers, lifting his hand to smooth back hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear and leaned in to press a gentle kiss to her nose, ducking to rest his forehead against hers, brushing his nose gently to her own. "But what I'm hearing is that you don't want a baby with my nose."

"You can't help how you feel, Cage. I might have been angry but I also get that you feel how you feel. Doesn't mean I think you wished this on me -- on us." By us she meant, him and her, not the unborn child that no longer existed. She knew that he would be supportive, "It's not your fault." she sniffled wiping at her eyes, deep down she did know this was hard on Cage. That he'd never cause her to be in pain, that if he could take it away he would. "I don't think anyone can accept the fact right after they find out." It'd be weird to just accept it and be fine, unless you really didn't want it. Which told her a part of him, even if he didn't understand it, had come around to the idea of eventually welcoming a little one into their home. Maybe it'd be different now, he'd never agree after all of this, his biggest fears being anything happening to her. As she curled up in his lap she cried heavily, letting out body trembling sobs, her face a mess before she eventually just couldn't cry anymore, gasping for air to fill her lungs. After awhile she sat up, blonde hair a mess, face still a mess with tear streaks down her cheeks, eyes swollen and puffy. Her hand going to her belly again, "You know I dreamt about her." she said, "I mean I don't know if it was a girl, but I kept dreaming about a little girl, bright blonde hair like Rosalyn, but she had your gorgeous, bright, perfect blue eyes." she said, looking at him. Those blue eyes that everyone knew Cage for, the way you could see deep into his soul through those ocean blue eyes that felt every emotion. "She was gorgeous." she sniffled, "Your eyes, my nose, your chin dimple." she let out a little sob. "Absolutely perfect."

[cagenewman]

"And I feel horrible for that," he admitted quietly, setting his tea aside after another long sip, knowing that he didn't want to make it about him, not when Cordelia was the one who had to deal with this change, this thing that happened, this betrayal was occurring in her body. But he knew that she would be just as upset with him if he wasn't honest. "I know -- what the doctor said, how common it is, I get that, I do. I'm not good at science, but I get the basics of biology, and I still can't get my brain to accept the fact that it's not--" he took a breath as he cut himself off and shrugged feebly. "I feel like it's my fault." And that was what he had been wrestling with since they left the hospital, headed home, as he made tea in the kitchen and watched her cry on their bed -- there was no logic behind it, at all, he knew, but he couldn't help it. Nodding softly when she said she had a note, he opened his mouth to tell her that she could decide later, she didn't need to know now before she started to cry and he felt his bottom lip tremble. Sitting up a little more, he stretched the leg closest to her out and reached for one of her hands, tugging her up, inviting her to curl against his lap. "C'mere."

"Yeah those are some ways to put it." she said, her eyes still trained on the blanket that was draped over her legs, her hand rubbing against her stomach. She knew nothing was there, not anymore, but somehow she still didn't feel the realness of it. "Like I said, maybe this is just how it's supposed to be, you weren't ready, which means we weren't ready." Cordelia had been, but obviously maybe this was some kind of weird punishment for being so angry with him, for not giving him his time to process all of this, wanting it when he wanted it. Maybe this was a sign it wasn't meant to be theirs ever. "I don't think it has anything to do with God." Then again, Cordelia herself wasn't very religious. "I was barely a few weeks along, this happens more than people even realize." The doctor had been wonderful going over every little thing, explaining that she'd need to come back in a weeks time if her period hadn't started. "The doctor gave me a note to keep me out of school for the week for -- yeah." she swallowed, "I don't know if I should use it, or just go to class like nothing happened." Cordelia was good at compartmentalizing things. But she also knew this one wasn't healthy to do that with. When he said he was said was when she broke, her tears falling down her cheeks into sobs.

[cagenewman]

"Doing backflips? Overjoyed? Running out to buy tiny baby booties? No, but..." he shook his head, lowering his eyes to the tea in his hands. And Cage knew that he hadn't reacted as well as he could have, as well as he would have, if they hadn't just had the conversation a couple of weeks before about not being ready, about a kid not happening for them. "I might have a complicated relationship with God, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't supposed to go like this," he replied with a shallow laugh, shaking his head and sinking back a bit against the headboard, watching her face, ducking his gaze down after her hand, closing his eyes when he saw her touch her stomach. "You don't have to be fine. I know you will, in time, but right now you don't have to be." He paused, swirling the tea in the cup before taking another long swallow. "I'm not. I'm sad."

Cordelia knew that Cage was attempting to be sensitive, keeping his voice soft, his movements gentle, not wanting to say anything to set her off. But the thing she knew most was she didn't want him walking on eggshells with her because she was going to break. There'd be anger, there'd be tears, it was all the natural part of all of this. Sniffling she shook her head, "Maybe this is how it was supposed to be." she said, "You weren't..." she didn't want to say happy and hurt him, "You weren't ready and this was just proof we're not ready for any of this." Tears formed in her eyes as she dropped her head, because she had been excited, hearing him talk about needing a new carseat, telling the kids, and now it was all done and over with. Pressing her hand on her low belly, she felt absolutely empty inside. Now was the impeding waiting, the blood tests had confirmed everything followed by the ultrasound. "I'll be fine, it'll be fine."

[cagenewman]

Turning his bare torso to reach for the night stand, he picked up his cup of tea again, holding it between both of his hands to warm them as he turned his gaze back down to his wife, the way that her hand was tucked neatly under her head, small wisps of blonde hair dancing across her forehead as she spoke. "I think it's okay that you were excited, baby," he murmured, loosing one hand from the mug to reach out to brush the hair behind her ear, "regardless of what was going on with us at the time, it was still what you wanted. I'm just..." he trailed off as he tapped his fingers against the side of his mug, chewing the corner of his mouth before saying, "I'm sorry."

"Thanks." she murmured when he said how it looked better on her. Normally she would have been more confident, said of course it did, or everything looked better on her. "Maybe later." She definitely wasn't feeling up to anything, her stomach churned enough, she didn't need a reason to make it worse. Tucking her hand under her head she laid there for a bit as Cage changed before crawling into their large bed. "Talk? About what? There's not much to talk about is there?" she murmured, taking a shaky breath. "It was early, they said chemical pregnancies happen often, I shouldn't have gotten excited." she breathed out, attempting to not lose it into a fit of tears.

[cagenewman]

"Looks better on you, anyway," he said with a soft laugh, reaching for one of the cups of tea, blowing on the liquid before taking a sip, only wincing a little as the hot liquid touched his tongue. "I brought your cookies up. I know you said you weren't hungry, but just in case you change your mind." Setting the cup down on his own night stand, he pulled his shirt up, over his head, footing out of his jeans, tossing both into the hamper and reaching for a loose pair of flannel pants, hiking them over his hips before crawling onto the bed, leaving it made on his side, and pulling his legs into a crossed position. After only a moment of hesitation, "do you want to talk?"

Cordelia wasn't sure really what to do, what to say, or anything of the sort. The doctors words ringing in her ears, the whole scene replaying over and over again in her head. Everything she had hoped for, she now feared. Cordelia shouldn't have gotten her hopes up so much, and she didn't know how to talk to Cage about this. It had taken him time to even come around to the idea, and now as fast as it had started it was over. Hearing footsteps she shifted in the bed, not really turning to look at him or anything, still more laying there numbly. "I just want to be comfy." she admitted, the heater wasn't blaring so it was a bit cold in their room so for right now this worked.

[cagenewman]

He hadn't realized that he was staring into space, lost in thought until the kettle whistled and he jumped, the spoon in his hand clattering to the counter top, eliciting a "fuck" from his lips, reaching to take the kettle off of the stove, filling up both mugs and flipping the dial off, setting it on a burner that wasn't hot. Milk, sugar, and… he contemplated for a moment before reaching up into the cabinet, pulling down the container of Valentine's Day cookies, tucking it under his arm as he picked up both mugs and made his way upstairs, making his way into their room and offering her a small, timid smile, putting everything down on her night stand. "Nice hoodie," he said softly, leaning to press a kiss to her forehead.

Part of her didn't want to process this, didn't know how to process this. Things had finally started to get better between them, Cage even seemed happy. Now all she felt was emptiness, and she didn't know how to handle that. As she heard Cage move towards the kitchen she continued upstairs. Slipping out of her clothes she tossed them into the hamper and pulled on a pair of dark sweatpants and one of Cage's t-shirts and then a hoodie. Crawling into bed she pulled the blankets up around her and flipped on the tv, staring off into distance.

[cagenewman]

Brushing his fingers against the small of her back as she stopped to kick off her shoes and take off her jacket, he nudged her shoes under the bench, next to his own, and then followed her through the house, stopping in the kitchen as she agreed to tea. "I'll be up in a bit," he called after her, watching to make sure she made it before turning to find the kettle, filling it with water and flipping on the stove before turning to find her favorite mug, dropping in a tea bag.

For the most part Cordelia had cried, been numb, or just silent. It ranged depending on the moment, the waves of emotions. "Whatever you think is best." Her voice hallow as she made her way inside, kicking off her shoes and pulling off her jacket. Hanging it up she didn't really look anywhere but ahead moving towards the main area to get upstairs. At the mention of tea she would have suggested alcohol but she knew he wouldn't find it amusing, not that she did. "Tea is fine." she murmured as she headed up the stairs.

[cagenewman]

"It's okay," he assured her with a nod of his head, letting his hands fall away from the steering wheel and land in his lap, eyes unfocused as he looked past the windshield tot he house just beyond. Quiet, most of the lights off, save for one he could see in the kitchen, something the kids had probably left on for them. "I'll talk to Colton, tell him... something. Let him know that we're both alright, I don't want him to worry. Him or Shawn, the girls will just be excited for a sleepover."

F2F for Cordelia and Cage Newman ( @cagenewman )

Pulling into the driveway, the cut of the engine, and Cordelia found herself staring out the window, not able to look at Cage. It wasn't how she planned to end Valentine's Day, not feeling well. Waking up feeling worse -- feeling wrong. Now they were leaving the hospital and every part of her world was thrown upside down. "I called your cousin they came by and got the kids, said they would keep them for tonight. Told them -- didn't tell them anything other than some private stuff happened and the kids can't be here."

[cagenewman]

"We'll figure something out," he didn't want to lie to the kids, but he also didn't want to worry them, didn't want to put a burden on them that they didn't deserve to carry. Opening the door on his own side of the truck, he started after her, unlocking the door to the mud room and holding it open for her. "I know that you said you don't want anything to eat, but how about tea?" he suggested, trying to keep his voice light, as he had since sitting in that small room, holding her hand; a rock, no matter what he felt. "I can make us both some."

Nodding, "The doctor said I'm not going to feel great the next few days most likely." It had been the trigger point her saying something felt 'off' but not knowing what. "I just want to go inside and go to bed. I don't think I'm going to eat anything right now." What time was it even? She wasn't sure. "Maybe you can tell the boys..." Sniffles followed, "Maybe just tell them I was feeling sick and we didn't want anyone to catch it or... I don't know." Her brain not functioning right as she slid from the truck and started walking to the house, wiping at her eyes and nose.